My reasons for not having children are very very similar to this man's. I was a product of a insanely abusive home. And i'm so desperately afraid that I will fall into that trap that I've promised myself I will never have children. Ever. It helps that I don't particularly like children, but that's not the whole reason.
I can't stand the thought that I won't be strong enough to break the circle. That I won't be able to keep myself from that pattern. It's terrifying and heartbreaking to imagine myself as an abusive parent, but it's so easy to become one when that's all you ever knew.
But hey! I'm saving money on that whole college fund thing!
I have days when it's hard not to be cruel to my cats, FFS. And I can distract my cats with food and toys or put them in another room and ignore them for awhile or just call them names or yell when they break something, all without causing permanent psychological harm. Also, my cats = way less aggravating than children.
I don't want to think about how awful I would be if I had a kid. I don't like to think about what the stress and sleep deprivation would do to me. No kid deserves that. I have no interest in saying that my decision is right for anyone else, but it sure as hell is right for me. The people who say "You'd be a wonderful mother!" generally mean "You're cool, and would be a cool mom." They have never seen me at my worst. They don't know what it's like.
People tell me all the time that i'd be a good mother and that i'd keep myself from becoming abusive. And who know, they very well may be right! But the very chance that I might become what my parents were is more than enough to keep me from finding out.
People just don't understand, and that's okay. They're brought up to believe that your life isn't whole unless you have children and I think a lot of them genuinely feel sorry for those of us who don't want to experience it.
It's not really their fault, they're just regurgitating what society has taught them.
Yes. I can barely tolerate a cat and dog on bad days, and at least I can shut them up in another room or shut myself away and it's not a problem. And oh god I am a raging lunatic without sleep.
hmm.. as someone who would love kids and cannot have any.. is this an "avoid at all costs" read or "read anyway".? i mean in your opinion... cause some of the writing aimed at "i dont want kids" kind of hurts when you do....
ps. a question.. about this topic. i mean i am not the best genetic selection on the block.. but i have considered adoption as an alternative in any case...how would that figure into the "dont pass this on" issue?
If there's mental health issues in play, I think it hinges more on how self-aware one is, and how good at controlling your issues, whatever they are, you tend to be. A kid may or may not inherit teh crazy, but a parent with undiagnosed, uncontrolled mental illness is not a happy thing to inflict on a child. If it's reasonably under control, I'd think it wouldn't be that much of an issue. If it's just other health issues, I suppose that would depend on whether you thought you'd be able to provide for the child long enough for it to become independent. Either way, it can only be a personal thing. Other people's opinions on whether or how you can/should have kids are generally bullshit
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I think that people chose to have kids for far more foolish and ill-judged reasons than those who chose NOT to. People have children to try to glue together a failing relationship, or because they're bored, or want a real-life person to dress up like a dolly, or they "want someone to love". All of the people I know who have chosen to remain child-free seem to have valid, well-thought-out reasons, probably because they've had to justify themselves to so many of the "you're not complete without a baby" brigade.
I love my son more than anything, and having him probably kept me around when things got really crap... BUT... there are times when he drives me insane, when I just REALLY want to be by myself, when I resent the fact that he provides a permanent link to my scumbag ex-husband. And I do worry, too, that my neuroticism, anti-social issues and depression may be ticking away in there. Hopefully not.
Exactly. Whenever people tell me why they had children it doesn't seem to have anything to do with the person they brought into the world. It's about what they thought they needed. I know many people who felt alone in the world and had a kid so that at least someone would love them. Imagine their surprise when the kid didn't.
Then my sister-in-law asked the dreaded question. "Are you guys gonna have kids?" I'm amazed at how many mothers and fathers ask this of childless couples. Of course you're going to have a baby, they're really saying. It's not a question of having one, but will you stop at one? What do you hope for? I hate this part. Because it's true, people are assfaces about imposing their values and their judgments and their expectations on other people's personal decisions about kids and family. And it makes it that much harder to have conversations about those personal decisions. I want so often to ask people about where they're at with the kids thing and I shy away from it because it's this huge, loaded, dreaded question that can't be asked without dredging up the specter of all this judgment and expectation and bullshit
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I am obviously not childfree. I have children. It is not all happiness and roses all the time, people are morbid and delusional if they tell you that. They are the ones that can play with your children for an hour and hand them back when they are fussy/need changed/get annoying.
I had kids because I love kids. I had a great childhood. I wanted to share how great life can be with more than just myself/my husband.
My husband (wisely) said after our first was born, "It is both the best and the worst thing to ever happen to me." And he is STILL not comfortable with other children that are not his.
Children are a choice. I respect your choice. Children are not a mandate. Screw those that think so.
That said, that article made me sad. Very very sad.
Pretty much everything you said. I don't have kids, but I want them for the same reasons: I want to share how great life can be with someone, I want someone else to have as awesome a childhood as I had. And that article also made me very sad.
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My reasons for not having children are very very similar to this man's. I was a product of a insanely abusive home. And i'm so desperately afraid that I will fall into that trap that I've promised myself I will never have children. Ever. It helps that I don't particularly like children, but that's not the whole reason.
I can't stand the thought that I won't be strong enough to break the circle. That I won't be able to keep myself from that pattern. It's terrifying and heartbreaking to imagine myself as an abusive parent, but it's so easy to become one when that's all you ever knew.
But hey! I'm saving money on that whole college fund thing!
:)
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I don't want to think about how awful I would be if I had a kid. I don't like to think about what the stress and sleep deprivation would do to me. No kid deserves that. I have no interest in saying that my decision is right for anyone else, but it sure as hell is right for me. The people who say "You'd be a wonderful mother!" generally mean "You're cool, and would be a cool mom." They have never seen me at my worst. They don't know what it's like.
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People just don't understand, and that's okay. They're brought up to believe that your life isn't whole unless you have children and I think a lot of them genuinely feel sorry for those of us who don't want to experience it.
It's not really their fault, they're just regurgitating what society has taught them.
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as someone who would love kids and cannot have any.. is this an "avoid at all costs" read or "read anyway".? i mean in your opinion...
cause some of the writing aimed at "i dont want kids" kind of hurts when you do....
ps. a question.. about this topic. i mean i am not the best genetic selection on the block.. but i have considered adoption as an alternative in any case...how would that figure into the "dont pass this on" issue?
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I love my son more than anything, and having him probably kept me around when things got really crap... BUT... there are times when he drives me insane, when I just REALLY want to be by myself, when I resent the fact that he provides a permanent link to my scumbag ex-husband. And I do worry, too, that my neuroticism, anti-social issues and depression may be ticking away in there. Hopefully not.
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I'm amazed at how many mothers and fathers ask this of childless couples. Of course you're going to have a baby, they're really saying. It's not a question of having one, but will you stop at one? What do you hope for? I hate this part. Because it's true, people are assfaces about imposing their values and their judgments and their expectations on other people's personal decisions about kids and family. And it makes it that much harder to have conversations about those personal decisions. I want so often to ask people about where they're at with the kids thing and I shy away from it because it's this huge, loaded, dreaded question that can't be asked without dredging up the specter of all this judgment and expectation and bullshit ( ... )
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I had kids because I love kids. I had a great childhood. I wanted to share how great life can be with more than just myself/my husband.
My husband (wisely) said after our first was born, "It is both the best and the worst thing to ever happen to me." And he is STILL not comfortable with other children that are not his.
Children are a choice. I respect your choice. Children are not a mandate. Screw those that think so.
That said, that article made me sad. Very very sad.
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