Not normal.

[naamah_darling]

Thank you all for your kind words the other night. I haven't been back to reply to comments, but I will try. I will say that it meant a lot to me, what you all said. It genuinely for-real helped, and I feel a lot better today. I don't deserve readers as wonderful as you

Comments

[rikibeth]

Thank you for writing this. My story is different from yours in degree, but similar in kind -- I was nodding along at some points, and thinking to myself "yep, that's where I had X situation instead, and I'm counting my blessings" at others.

This is the day of my initial appointment with a full psychiatrist, BTW. 3:30 Eastern time.

I know it isn't much to offer, and I don't know how much you like Green Day -- but have you heard "Last Of The American Girls/She's A Rebel" the way they arranged it for American Idiot on Broadway? I've been hugging that song to me like it was both explanation and life preserver -- but I think it applies even more to you. Here, have a listen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDYMrDYyiiE

[the_vulture]

I agree - one does not need heaps of crap in one's life to be a 'better person'. Thinking back on the massive piles of suckage during my school years, I can't say it made a single positive difference in my life, save maybe that I might've stayed Christian for a bit longer, instead of feeling abandoned by the Christian God.

In fact, I dare say all the craptitude of my childhood set me back several years, methinks. Ah, well. Until Mr. Peabody shows up with the WABAC machine, this'll all be just musing.

[peacockdress]

I must congratulate you on how stunningly articulate you are. This, of course, we knew, but if anyone else I know had written a long piece like this about their crappy time at school, I would have skimmed it fairly quickly (partly for fear of dredging up comparisons with my own). With yours, I sat and soaked it in, trying to understand your experience. I scan so much on LJ these days, but you have always been a person I'm intrigued to hear more about, whether in good or poor health. In a sea of "normal" people, and even in this online sea of rather interesting people, you stand out.

[cbpotts]

This took my breath away, because the forgetting and seeing strangers in a room where you've known everyone for years? That is my life -- it was more so then than it is now, but that is only because I've made extremely drastic changes to avoid situations where I don't 'fuck up' by not remembering. For years, when it was bad-bad, I would react to not recognizing someone/something by ending my engagement there -- ended friendships, relationships, jobs, because I didn't (and don't) know how to get that 'knowing' back, once it is lost. I say Story flows through me; it does not stay with me unless I work very, very hard at it indeed. And I'm not sure if I thought that was normal or if for me it is normal, but it is strangely terribly exhilirating to hear someone else articulating this experience.

[lady_fox]

Hon, this actually ties into something that I've been pondering. I'm going to email you.