Fear Part I: How Does It Fucking Feel?

[naamah_darling]

Sometimes I have panic attacks. Anxiety attacks. Whatever.

I want to talk about what it feels like. A lot of you have them too. This is for you, so you know you aren't alone.

A lot of you don't have them. If that describes you, don't skip thisRead it

Comments

[weedblossom]

You have described it EXACTLY - and so much more eloquently than I ever could.

The worst part is that sometimes, there IS no trigger. Or no consistent one. I may be fine in the drug store one day, for instance, and the next I'm fighting to control the tears and my breathing while searching for the chapstick.

I worry constantly about my house burning down. I have nightmares about the demise of family members. This is partly my OCD... but not entirely.

The worst part for me is NEVER KNOWING WHEN IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. And all you can do is ride it out - the flowering anxiety, I mean, that evolutionary precursor to the actual attack - and hope that it doesn't burst into a gaping black hole.

Thanks for sharing this insight, and I'm adding it into my memories.

[naamah_darling]

Thank you!

There isn't always a trigger, not one that I can identify, and the not knowing when is its own special kind of hell.

It's also horrible when you have a random one, and then the next time you are in that situation, you have to deal with the fallout from that, almost having another one just from remembering the one before. This has happened to me several times and it really fucking sucks.

It's not a fun or easy thing to deal with, that's for sure.

[archanglrobriel]

Yes, this is exactly what it's like for me too. Thankfully, I have gotten help and I am on a medication that (knock wood) is working...but the way this thing shapes you and your life and your relationship to things, that's not something that you can really explain to people who don't know. Another thing I'm thankful for is the fact that I've finally arrived at a place of peace with this...with being this way. I can't do the ultra-violent movies, I can't handle doctors offices and hospitals and nursing homes either. There are places I just won't go and things I won't do and ways that I act that are just part of the package you get when you're friends with me. I'm not explaining them away anymore. I've embraced the gentler British term "eccentric" over the harsh and judging American "crazy" or "neurotic". If I were not this way, I wouldn't make the art that I make or be the type of person I am today. I'm sensitive, gentle and overly kind in a country where that's neither valued nor respected. I've always been this way and I'm not

[naamah_darling]

Thank you. I'm glad you're on something that is helping.

And you're right, it shapes you and it's often hard to describe that or explain it away without going so far into the issue that it's painful.

Part of the point of this is to get people talking about it, and to let folks who have to deal with this shit that they aren't alone, that yes, strong, intelligent, self-possessed people do indeed have to deal with it, and we can still do okay.

It doesn't make you weak, or a freak, or any of that. It's still, as you point out, a heavy thing to have to deal with, and in terms of talking about it, it's very difficult.

I hope to get more people talking about it. That's a good start.

You definitely are not alone. You're in some pretty damn good company, if my f-list is any indication.

[amazon_syren]

Wow

[naamah_darling]

I get that overstimulated thing, too. It's got to do with being really sensitive, and sometimes that can trigger a full-on panic attack. It sucks mightily.

I've learned tricks to shut off the faucet, thankfully. And if all else fails, there's shutting it off at the water main by dosing myself with kava or a benzodiazepine! Not fun, but effective.

[amazon_syren]

Kava... Kava kava, that plant that turns you into a really mellow zombie for a while? (I think my husband learned about that in herbs class).
At least it's effective. :-)

<*checks comment*>
<*sigh*>
"Metal" was supposed to be "Mental", um... (You probably got that, though. ;-)

I find humming to myself (like a low base-note, or something... a drone?) seems to help me get myself together. Granted, I don't get actual panic attacks, so presumeably it takes less to pull me back from the edge - if only because the edge is somewhat farther away from me. :-)

[naamah_darling]

Yeah; kava is fucking awesome. I love the stuff. I don't get zombie-fied, just really mellow. It's nice.

[naamah_darling]

Oooh, honey.

*hugs*

Three in a day, that's more suck than anyone should be expected to bear gracefully.

I think I kind of "get" the #3 thing. That's really, really interesting. I've never tried it, but I can see how it might really work!

[naamah_darling]

Do you need me to come smack a bitch? Holy shit, WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT. ARRRGH.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with that shit!

*fumes*

[naamah_darling]

Thank you, and thank you for linking.

*hugs*