Empty Moments

[naamah_darling]

I gave myself a nasty fright this morning, as I was drifting in and out of sleep. I got it into my head that I'm almost 30, and I could be half done. Not the first time I've had that thought by a long shot, but sometimes when I'm sleeping it sneaks up on me and instead of whispering in my ear like it usually does, it finds a soft spot and it

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[far_gone]

I lost my mom 23 and a half years ago, when I'd just turned 17, and reading this still brings me to tears, because it's just how I feel. Still. I have dreams, to this day, that she's alive, that it never happened. In those dreams we are usually fighting, arguing, just like we did. I wake up and there's that split second when I can't remember which reality is the real one.

And to add freakiness on top of freakiness? My mom was an identical twin. So I have contact with this person who looks like my mom would have looked, sounds like my mom used to sound, feels like my mom might have felt, but she's not my mom. She loves me, but not the way my mom would have loved me.

[naamah_darling]

Oh, wow. I'm so sorry.

That must be profoundly strange. I can't imagine . . . wow.

Dreams like that are hard to deal with. I haven't dreamed about Mom in a while, but when I do, yeah, we're usually doing the same things we used to do. Only I never used to dream about that sort of thing before. It's like, because I don't have it in real life anymore, my brain feels like it has to supply it.

[topknot]

This... hurt to read. Not because it's wrong but because it's so very right. Even though I haven't yet lost a relative I'm truly close to, I know that the day will come. I honestly don't know if I'm strong enough to handle it but I also know I'll have very little choice if and when the time comes.

Your level of self-awareness is staggering, and how you can explain all those nebulous little things I would struggle for weeks to put into words.

Lots of hugs, hon.

[naamah_darling]

Well, to be fair, I've been trying to put words to this for weeks!

I wasn't sure I was strong enough to do it, either. But that's the scary thing about it. Most everyone can do it. Much as we might want to break, to have an excuse to be off the hook, we don't usually snap.

That said, I sure don't want you to have to deal with it. I believe you could, but I just don't want it to happen to my friends.

[topknot]

I never want anyone to suffer the loss of a loved one, be it furry, scaly, or bipedal.

And the strength we all have that we never realised we possessed is a bitter thing to acknowledge. You don't want to have to have such power at your disposal because it only surfaces in life's hardest moments.

[flameelf]

Faith is the same way--you gain faith the more you suffer.

At this point, I now know ALL bad things will pay back in dividends later, but I STILL would prefer to NEVER have to deal with a bad thing again. I don't care about the 'advantages' later. I don't care about how strong I am. I DO NOT WANT THESE THINGS, but they are now mine.

Ah, well.

N.

Ayiee

[fayroberts]

Thank you. I have very little else to say except that. I may show this to my father, if that's ok?

The other little else is: feel better.

F.x

Re: Ayiee

[naamah_darling]

Sure! Show away!

And thanks.

[kellfire]

Ah, I know those moments. I had my cat put down six weeks ago.

She used to greet me at my car when I came home from work. I'd know she was coming by the way her tags jingled. last night I was getting out of the car and heard the familiar sound and almost called her name. It caught in my throat, and yes, walking into a wall is a perfect descriptor. It slightly reopened the slowly healing wound.

{turns out it was just the neighbors cat passing by}

[naamah_darling]

Oh, OW.

Man, I don't want to know how miserable I'm going to be when my firstborn cat goes. She's the moon and stars to me.

My sympathies. Losing a friend like that . . . they may be small and furry, but the loss is sure big and cold.

*hugs*

[flameelf]

Losing one's furbabies is just the worst...they're our children.

However...Dione's long illness and all the messing about with needles and meds, etc. helped me deal with my Dad's death. I think that was the small blessing to be had there; I was no longer intimidated by any of those things and I could actually interpret my Dad's bloodwork.

That's why I'm still "between cats". I can't deal with another death just yet, so I'm not prepared to take on another life.

N.

[naamah_darling]

That's very touching, that she helped you in that way. They really are good for us in every way. And even when you lose them, well, you are glad to have known them.

I'm convinced there's a spirit out there that puts animals in my path. I always have ideas about "not yet" and "too soon" and they always get mushed. Never sticks. Fate needs me for something or other, so I wind up with a Cyrus, or a Fish. And sometimes I wonder if it's what the animals need, or if it's what I need. Or if it's both. Because they always seem to come when I need them, too.

I'm glad you're getting the time you need between cats. Sometimes I wish I'd been able to swing just a little more.

[lilerthkwake]

*crying* I can relate to a lot of what you said about your relationship with your mom. *hugs*