If it helps any, I know how you feel. Knowing that Mom is dead sucks. Going through her stuff, even if it is somewhat to my benefit, is more painful than I can say. And having that followed by ridiculous amounts of noise afterwards would be intolerable. I'd definitely want to do a crime.
And yeah, nightmares and weird dreams and broken sleep... I think it's part and parcel of the whole painful grief process.
Here are some long distance hugs, if you want them. *hug* *hug* *hug*
This is just . . . yuck. This is three people's stuff, actually, and they're all gone, and it's horribly, horribly sad if I let myself think about it for even a minute.
It is truly teh suck. And the worst thing is, it hits you kind of unexpectedly. I was okay walking into Mom's house, and then I looked at all her kitchy knicknacks that nobody else would want, and I don't have space for... and waaaaaah. But my point isn't to inflict that on you. It's just to let you know that no matter how weak you might feel at the moment, you aren't. You're going through normal grief, and it sucks donkey dongs. Please don't be mad at yourself if you're in shock for a while, or down, or whatever. Just... don't. In a lot of ways going through the stuff is like reopening wounds. It's damned painful, and you need to allow yourself time to recover from the hurt and to heal.
The worst moment for me was finding her purse with all her stuff still in it, still hanging on the door like she was going to go out. Like she still hoped she would be okay and get up and drive her car again.
That, and the Christmas cards she never finished addressing. She thought she'd feel better enough to finish the next day, apparently, but she never did.
Jesus Christ. I still get choked up over that one.
The Mythic Tarot Book describes the Five of Swords thusly:
"... the Five of Swords augurs the necessity of facing one's own limits, and recognising that life needs to be lived within the confines of one's capabilities. Often there is a situation where the individual has taken on too much, and must swallow pride and back off, facing honestly what is possbile before moving forward."
This sounds to me like where you are at now. You have reached your limits, and in that state, the smallest things seem insurmountable. And fortunately, I think you've recognised this in yourself - you might feel weak and stupid, but you know, deep down, that you aren't.
Hugs and blessings, and cyber chocolate. Have some cyber mead, too - it's pleasantly sweet and bitey, and no hangover in the morning.
Yeah, that's it, more or less. I'm trying to back off and finish stuff up before I take on more, but there's only so much backing off I can do when things absolutely must get done.
There's a sweet spot between what is possible and what is healthy, and I figure if I hit it more often than not, I'm doing okay.
Re: Tarot Cardnaamah_darlingOctober 4 2006, 13:57:21 UTC
It's utterly boring and not even very pretty -- I think it's just a card from a regular playing card deck where the spades had been replaced with swords., but I could be wrong. I'll try to find time to scan it later, both sides.
Re: Tarot Cardnaamah_darlingOctober 4 2006, 14:10:17 UTC
Yeah, I don't use mine much at all. I have one non-tarot card deck that's the only one I use for tellings, and I haven't even done that for . . . years, now.
Ugh. I remember living not too far from TU and hearing all of their hullaballoo every time there was a game. Between that and living just up the street from Bell's, the noise level and sudden eruptions of totally pointless blasting tended to make me slightly stabby. It sounds perfectly reasonable to me to be spacey and out of it after going through what you're going through. Heck, I do that on some days even when nothing else is going on. Having all that extra audio stimulation after the fact must've felt like salt in a wound when all you want to do is sleep and stare. At least the spanking of Tom Welling sounds slightly interesting.
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I'm good with the major stuff, it's the barking dogs and backfiring cars that completely rankle my nerves.
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And yeah, nightmares and weird dreams and broken sleep... I think it's part and parcel of the whole painful grief process.
Here are some long distance hugs, if you want them.
*hug* *hug* *hug*
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I'm sorry for the suckiness you're enduring, too.
This is just . . . yuck. This is three people's stuff, actually, and they're all gone, and it's horribly, horribly sad if I let myself think about it for even a minute.
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*hugs*
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That, and the Christmas cards she never finished addressing. She thought she'd feel better enough to finish the next day, apparently, but she never did.
Jesus Christ. I still get choked up over that one.
*hugs*
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"... the Five of Swords augurs the necessity of facing one's own limits, and recognising that life needs to be lived within the confines of one's capabilities. Often there is a situation where the individual has taken on too much, and must swallow pride and back off, facing honestly what is possbile before moving forward."
This sounds to me like where you are at now. You have reached your limits, and in that state, the smallest things seem insurmountable. And fortunately, I think you've recognised this in yourself - you might feel weak and stupid, but you know, deep down, that you aren't.
Hugs and blessings, and cyber chocolate. Have some cyber mead, too - it's pleasantly sweet and bitey, and no hangover in the morning.
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There's a sweet spot between what is possible and what is healthy, and I figure if I hit it more often than not, I'm doing okay.
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No clues at all. :/
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I rarely use it, but I love my deck. :)
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It sounds perfectly reasonable to me to be spacey and out of it after going through what you're going through. Heck, I do that on some days even when nothing else is going on. Having all that extra audio stimulation after the fact must've felt like salt in a wound when all you want to do is sleep and stare.
At least the spanking of Tom Welling sounds slightly interesting.
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