(no subject)
Title: Words Unspoken
Author: Carmexgirl
Rating: PG - 13 for a minky bit of swearing.
Summary: Sandwiched between the totally hot porn and nailbiting tension, here be mindless fluff!
A/N: A couple of spoilers for 'Powerless' - you have been warned people.
He’d spent a lot of time living inside his head lately. He didn’t mean to do it, but with the whole mindreading projection thing, he really couldn’t see the point in saying things out loud sometimes.
Of course, some things are better kept inside his own head. Like when Baiter at the precinct starts raging about ‘faggots,’ whilst secretly having the hots for the cute new guy on the shift. Or when Nathan’s going on and on about his mother and how he probably has enough family issues to write a whole novel on the subject. Or when Mohinder breezes through the door after a long day, looking all tired and dishevelled but still managing to smile, and he’d just like to walk over and kiss his face off, before telling him that he loves him and he’s glad he’s home. Some things are better kept in your head, even though sometimes they drive you crazy.
Three times. Three times he’s been just a gnat’s wing away from telling Mohinder how he felt. Three times he nearly put his home life in jeopardy because of some stupid emotions. The first was when they’d been living together for a few months, and were just getting settled into the ‘family’ routine. He didn’t know then that he was in love, especially not with a man, but he knew that there was something there, something more significant than just friendship. And it was starting to eat him up a little bit.
They were at the museum with Molly, and had just been looking at some ancient Egyptian artefacts. Molly was getting really excited at seeing mummified cats and snakes, and looking at the beautiful gold jewellery. Mohinder had bent down, and was telling her all about the mummification process, and how ancient kings were buried with all their worldly goods so they could have them in the afterlife. He looked at Mohinder, whose eyes were wide with just as much fascination and wonder as Molly’s was. She ran off to try writing on some papyrus paper, and Mohinder was walking over to him, smiling.
He thought about telling him how good he was at being a father, how much he admired him knowing things, and how great he looked in that t-shirt. The words were formed. Mohinder looked aghast, and backed away like a man equally terrified and disgusted. He rushed to scoop up Molly, and took her into another room. “You’ll have to find another place to stay.” He said, not even looking him in the eye.
It was too soon. He wasn’t even entirely sure of his feelings himself. He couldn’t risk losing Molly and the home he’d gotten used to.
The second time it nearly happened, about a month later, he knew it was love.
He’d had along day dealing with a suicide which didn’t quite add up, and all he wanted was food and bed. He came home to find Mohinder waiting up for him, dinner warming on the stove and smelling delicious. He’d asked him how his day was, and he’d kind of unloaded onto him about suicides, post-mortems and coroners who didn’t have any sense of urgency. Mohinder had listened patiently, and told him that sometimes days just go that way, and maybe tomorrow would be better. He wanted to tell him thanks, and how when he smiled like that he made him feel special. Then Mohinder looked confused, and said that he must have gotten the wrong end of the stick, because there was no way he felt that way, especially not about him, and that it was probably best if he started to look for somewhere else to stay.
The third time it happened, he thought it was gradually driving him crazy.
Mohinder had come home from the lab thoroughly depressed. He still hadn’t been able to find a cure for the mutated Shanti virus, and worse than that, an innocent woman had been infected and was dying. Time was of the essence, and slowly ebbing away with each passing hour. He said that he felt useless, so he did the only thing he could think of doing, and that was make him a cup of his favourite tea and give him a hug. He felt slightly awkward doing it, but also somehow right. He wanted to lift his head up and tell him he thought he was fantastic, and certainly not useless, and he would do everything possible to help him. He cupped his chin, and tilted his head up to just the right angle. They slowly kissed. Mohinder shot back, eyes flashing like a wounded animal. He said that that was the last thing he needed, and how dare he, and why on earth would he be interested in him. “You’ll understand that you can’t stay here any longer” he said before retiring to bed, the loud click of the lock on his door reverberating through the silent apartment.
For the third time, he didn’t tell him. They broke their embrace, and Mohinder went to get a shower. He paced around the living room for a while, biting his lip until it bled.
***
His headaches had gotten worse of late, probably from all the time he spent inside his own mind. He had a suspicion he was gradually losing the power of speech, because most of the time if he wanted to talk to Mohinder or Molly, he’d just project it into their heads. He made a resolution to talk more, with the proviso that he kept his thoughts in check, and only said what had been carefully thought about beforehand.
That day at the precinct, he made a concerted effort to speak to everyone. No emails or faxes, but actual real conversations. He spoke to everyone he could, even piping up in meetings to add some thoughts and ideas about why a killer would leave taps running in every home they had killed in. He somehow seemed to irk one particular co-worker, who ended up shouting in his face, “For god’s sake Parkman, have you been vaccinated with a gramophone needle? Shut the fuck up!” So much for talking.
He got home still feeling a little wound up, to find Mohinder waiting for him. He didn’t have to project for Mohinder to know he’d had a bad day. He could tell straight away that there was something wrong. “Had a bad day at the office?”
“Yeah, something like that” he said, kicking his shoes off like a petulant child. “You try your best for some people, and it bites you on the ass.” He had a pounding headache.
“You look stressed” said Mohinder. “I tell you what - Molly won’t be home until later, and I haven’t put dinner on yet. Why don’t you go and have a few drinks to unwind. It’ll be ready by the time you get back. Then we can talk about it, if you want.” There was that brilliant smile again.
He knew very well how he wanted to unwind, and it didn’t involve much talking. He had to think for a bit before he said anything. Had to keep those thoughts in check.
***
“You’re still looking pretty good for a dead man.”
“And you still look the same - overweight and underpaid. Now shut up Parkman, and get me a drink.” Nathan was his usual effervescent self, even though it had been two months since his recovery.
He plonked two beers on the table, and sat down with a loud huffing sound. The aspirin he’d taken for his head had barely touched it. He scanned the busy bar quickly, looking at people laughing, drinking, some even dancing. “I am so not in the mood for this.”
“Jeez…what’s eating you?”
“It’s nothing…it’s just…I think I’m over thinking things, you know? I look at situations, and I think about them, and then think about them again, and again, and I still end up doing the dumb thing and messing it all up.”
“That’s the Parkman way; you always mess up. You can’t go against nature- ask Mohinder, he’ll tell you the same thing.” He winced at the mention of Mohinder’s name, and suddenly Nathan’s look changed. His eyes grew wide with sudden realisation.
“Oh I see, I get it. That’s what’s eating you. Has Mr Geneticist found a special someone?”
“No, he wouldn’t.” His stomach turned at the very thought. “He’s too busy with the sciencey stuff. Besides, why would that bother me? That totally wouldn’t bother me.”
“Oh yeah, and it’s not bothering you now, even though you have a face like a hornet’s stung you in the ass, and if you grip that beer any tighter you’ll break the glass.”
He looked down, and his fingers were white against the glass. His arm was so tense it was shaking slightly. He huffed again, and turned away. Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder, and Nathan’s low, gravelly voice in his ear.
“Look Matt, I know I’ve done my fair share of stupid things. I can’t even hold a civil conversation with my wife any more because of all the shit I’ve pulled. But one thing I do know, is when two people are meant to be together and y’know what? That’s you, and that’s him. You are meant to be together.”
He didn’t even have the energy to try and go into how Nathan knew; he just knew he was wrong.
“Nathan he doesn’t look at me twice. I’m a roommate and a co-parent and that’s it. If I ever said anything it would just ruin what we already have.” He felt a twinge of sadness as he said it.
“For a mind reader Parkman you sure are dumb!” Nathan pulled him round by the shoulder so he was facing him. “Just look at things for a moment. What is he doing right at this moment?”
“Cooking dinner.”
“And why is he doing that?”
“He’s a good cook. I’m useless, it just works that way.”
“So why did you come out this evening?”
“He told me to.”
“Why?”
“Because I came home and he said I looked stressed, so he suggested I phone a friend - I use the term loosely- and have a couple of drinks to unwind. And he said he’d wait up for me so we could talk, and….”
Nathan looked at him, his face exactly like that of a parent trying to tell their small child that eating dirt is wrong. “He thinks the world of you. It’s obvious. It’s obvious to me, it’s obvious to Peter, my mum” - he winced at this - “Bob, even Hiro worked it out.”
He couldn’t take all this in - his brain wasn’t working any more. He thought back to those times when they had been together. The glances that lasted just a little too long, their hands brushing each other a little too often to be accidental. The feeling he had sometimes of being watched, only to look up and see Mohinder jerk his head away quickly. Hugging him when things had gone to rat shit, and them both not pulling away like normal friends would after a few minutes. Had he really been that blind?
“Shut up Nate” he said.
“Look. He’s home right now isn’t he?”
“Yeah.”
“And he’ll be waiting up for you to come in?”
“Ummm…… yeah.”
Nathan drew in close, eyes fixed on his. “Then what the hell are you doing here?”
Something gripped him, and he stood up forcefully. “I gotta go.”
“You’re damn right you….. Hey! What about my drink!”
It was too late; he was already striding purposefully out of the bar. “I’ll get you one next time” he shouted over his shoulder, waving a hasty goodbye.
“Cheap Parkman. Real cheap.” Nathan muttered into his beer.
***
He practically sprints home, heart in his mouth and beating heavily. He opens the door, to find Mohinder sitting on the couch reading. He looked up, slightly startled at the sudden entrance. “I didn’t expect you back so soon. Dinner’s not quite ready yet.” He saw his flushed face, and a wave of concern tinctured his features. “Is everything alright?”
“I love you!” he exclaims breathlessly. “I can’t help it, I just do.” The concern deepened to horror, and he took two rather large paces backwards. “Oh I see… Look. You can stay here tonight, but you must look for somewhere else in the morning. Good night Matthew.” He circled around him, before disappearing into his room.
No no no! Stupid doubts ruining everything! Nathan’s voice appeared in his head: “Grow a backbone Parkman; you’re a cop for god’s sake!”
“Matt. Matt!?”
“What?” He tried to pull himself together.
“I said, are you all…”
“Iloveyou!”
“What?”
“I love you. And I’m sorry, and I’ll pack my things in the morning and find somewhere else to stay. But I do, I truly love you.” He stared down at the floor. Was he going to cry? He felt like he was going to cry.
He suddenly felt two hands on his face, tilting it upwards. He looked up to find Mohinder just a few inches from his face, his eyes spiked with tears. He leans forward and their lips touch, tentative and hesitant at first, before becoming sure of each other. The kiss was like silk, soft and sweet with a tenderness that only comes with long anticipation. Their arms skated around each other, pulling each other close to deepen the kiss, exploring every inch of each other’s mouth. They stood like that for ages, tasting, touching, loving each other, finally able to let their true feelings out after so long. Finally they came up for air. He could see Mohinder smiling, and looking at him with the most adoring eyes. He felt himself smile too.
Mohinder drew him into a hug. “Thankyou” he whispered into his ear. They kissed again.
The headache was gone. He didn’t need to imagine any more. He had everything right here.