fic: Mind Games (2006)
This is from October of 2006, my first semester of college. I got bored between classes (or maybe even during, lol)
Mind Games
I've stopped seeing reality. In fact, it's been a long time since I've seen reality. Of course, there's the possibility that what I was seeing before was not reality, and that what I see now is...even so, I am quite certain that before was the reality. I suppose that there's no saying for sure either way, since I guess reality can change with perspective and perception. Maybe that's my problem, that my perspective has changed and my perception has not.
But the way I saw the world before--it was full of solid, tangible things. The distinct, solid shape of a human figure, the lively twittering of a round little bird. Tangible, solid, that is what reality is to me.
Instead, everything is intangible now. I can see the shape of a human figure, but it is no longer solid or tangible. Like an abstract thought, it is there, but it's a fleeting thing, fuzzy around the edges, always keeping the brain active, trying to keep up. Also like an abstract thought, it is difficult to understand and explain.
In this non-reality that I see, everything is reflected in the floor or ground, and the only things moving are the living things. Trains, planes, bicycles, none of these move...they barely even exist or are acknowledged. The intangible human forms move on their own, it seems, though I know that they cannot. It's strange, too, to see them move. These spectres split themselves into pieces--more pieces, more fragments more more more more more--until they're a million little fragments flying around aimlessly, it seems, but each fragment has a purpose, and once that purpose has been filled, it returns back to it's original piece.
To see that is amazing, unbelievable even. How can these fragments, as many as they are, keep track of themselves?
Sometimes, however, the human form implodes, and other times, it ceases to exist altogether. Now that's a spectacle. Like, all at once, the particles of this person converge, and once they've converged, they keep pulling tighter and tighter together, squeezing, retracting into one body, one piece, until the pressure just...well, it's just a mess of...something. A lot of times the being just ceases to exist after it implodes, but not always.
It's hard for me to see these things as people, though. They interact with each other, but they always seem too preoccupied to bother with me. I wonder if I am a part of their reality, and wonder even more if I would even want to be. How can a being split itself up so much like that?
They're living, I can be sure of that much. But to what degree? Are the beings in my non-reality, are they like normal human beings? Do they have feelings? What drives them to act the way they do? How do they even exist like this?
I know that this, this thing I'm seeing, is not real. Something programmed deep inside me tells me so. These ghosts aren't even tangible! I tried once to snag one, to ask it about this non-reality, but it just didn't...it wasn't there!
Reality is human beings, people that always stay whole. Reality is tangible beings! I exist, I am real, and I can be heard in reality.
But it's a lie. Even in what I consider to be reality I am ignored. That's the truth. Do I really exist there? Or do I just linger on the edges, same as i what I see here? Really, is my reality any better than this non-reality? The result is the same either way.
Perhaps perhaps perhaps...maybe I should just...cease to exist.
Mind Games
I've stopped seeing reality. In fact, it's been a long time since I've seen reality. Of course, there's the possibility that what I was seeing before was not reality, and that what I see now is...even so, I am quite certain that before was the reality. I suppose that there's no saying for sure either way, since I guess reality can change with perspective and perception. Maybe that's my problem, that my perspective has changed and my perception has not.
But the way I saw the world before--it was full of solid, tangible things. The distinct, solid shape of a human figure, the lively twittering of a round little bird. Tangible, solid, that is what reality is to me.
Instead, everything is intangible now. I can see the shape of a human figure, but it is no longer solid or tangible. Like an abstract thought, it is there, but it's a fleeting thing, fuzzy around the edges, always keeping the brain active, trying to keep up. Also like an abstract thought, it is difficult to understand and explain.
In this non-reality that I see, everything is reflected in the floor or ground, and the only things moving are the living things. Trains, planes, bicycles, none of these move...they barely even exist or are acknowledged. The intangible human forms move on their own, it seems, though I know that they cannot. It's strange, too, to see them move. These spectres split themselves into pieces--more pieces, more fragments more more more more more--until they're a million little fragments flying around aimlessly, it seems, but each fragment has a purpose, and once that purpose has been filled, it returns back to it's original piece.
To see that is amazing, unbelievable even. How can these fragments, as many as they are, keep track of themselves?
Sometimes, however, the human form implodes, and other times, it ceases to exist altogether. Now that's a spectacle. Like, all at once, the particles of this person converge, and once they've converged, they keep pulling tighter and tighter together, squeezing, retracting into one body, one piece, until the pressure just...well, it's just a mess of...something. A lot of times the being just ceases to exist after it implodes, but not always.
It's hard for me to see these things as people, though. They interact with each other, but they always seem too preoccupied to bother with me. I wonder if I am a part of their reality, and wonder even more if I would even want to be. How can a being split itself up so much like that?
They're living, I can be sure of that much. But to what degree? Are the beings in my non-reality, are they like normal human beings? Do they have feelings? What drives them to act the way they do? How do they even exist like this?
I know that this, this thing I'm seeing, is not real. Something programmed deep inside me tells me so. These ghosts aren't even tangible! I tried once to snag one, to ask it about this non-reality, but it just didn't...it wasn't there!
Reality is human beings, people that always stay whole. Reality is tangible beings! I exist, I am real, and I can be heard in reality.
But it's a lie. Even in what I consider to be reality I am ignored. That's the truth. Do I really exist there? Or do I just linger on the edges, same as i what I see here? Really, is my reality any better than this non-reality? The result is the same either way.
Perhaps perhaps perhaps...maybe I should just...cease to exist.