Crackfic: Expecting
Expecting 1/2
Jack/Ianto
R
PROBABLY OOC. CRACKFIC. MPREG.
I'm never going to have sex again, Ianto thinks. Never. Never. Never. It's too dangerous. There are consequences. You get disease. You get a broken heart.
You get your boss pregnant.
*
"Ianto!" Jack shouted. "Come here! God damnit, Gwen, where'd he go?"
Ianto sat slumped by the door in the kitchen. It was only a matter of time.
He could hear Gwen's puzzled, "I don't know, he was just here... do you want me to help you look?"
"No," Jack snapped back. "I'll find him. IANTO!"
The door to the kitchen open, and Ianto jolted upright.
It was just Tosh.
"What are you doing here?" She said. "Jack's looking for you."
"I know. I can hear him." Ianto resumed staring at the floor, knees tucked to his chest. "I'll go to him. I just needed a minute. A few minutes. Of peace and quiet. You understand, don't you?"
Tosh bit her lip and nodded. She walked out, and Ianto heard her say, "He's not in the kitchen, Jack. Why don't you check the basement?"
*
The conversation goes something like this:
Jack: Ianto? I have something to tell you. I'm just going to come right out and say it.
Ianto: .... yes?
Jack: Well. It's like this.
Ianto: Sir.
Jack: I'm pregnant.
Ianto: Right. Would you like some coffee, then?
Not his finest moment, Ianto is willing to admit.
*
Everyone grew to fear Jack in the mornings
"Where's Ianto?" Was the first question they'd always asked.
When Ianto wasn't around, they made themselves very, very busy. On one occasional, a Weevil "accidentally" escaped the cell area and required chasing. The chase took approximately eight hours.
That wasn't the only difference. Things were also being neglected around the hub, as Ianto was called on for other less professional things.
"Ianto?" Owen said, visibly irritated by the lack of coffee anywhere in the building. He held up the empty coffee pot. "Ianto-"
"Owen," Ianto said with an expression few had seen on him before. "If you want your sodding coffee, you'll make it yourself. Unless you'd rather trade places, in which case," he thrust a tube of warming massage lotion into Owen's hand, "Jack is waiting on his foot rub."
After that, Owen made his own coffee without much complaint.
*
Jack acts like it's just a nuisance to begin with. Ianto isn't sure how he's supposed to feel. Jack doesn't even mention it for three days, after he tells Ianto. Everything goes on like normal. Another week goes by. Ianto begins to wonder if he imagined it all.
Then one morning Jack shows up at his house, wearing a white-t-shirt and trousers with no shoes on. "Let me in. You've gotta see."
Ianto is utterly, thoroughly confused. "What?" Jack pushes past him and then strips off his shirt. He turns sideways and splays his hand on his stomach. Where just weeks before it had been flat and vaguely rippled with muscle, there was now a decidedly softer swell.
"That's it." Jack looks not at Ianto, but down at himself. "That's the baby."
Then he does look up, and flashes Ianto that bright, beautiful smile.
It's real after all. Ianto tries to look like he isn't fighting the urge to throw up.
*
"You're what?" Gwen said, her eyes like plates.
"I can't believe it. How?" Tosh said.
Owen didn't say anything, just sat back looking both intrigued and impressed.
"And... it's Ianto's." Jack finished neatly, arms crossed over his chest. Ianto, standing just behind him and to the side, uses all of his prior training to keep an absolutely straight face as Owen's seat tipped so far that he actually fell over.
*
Jack does not get morning sickness. Jack does get morning horniness.
Owen might have reconsidered Ianto's offer had he known that following the foot rub there was a blowjob and then a reciprocating handjob from Jack. Ianto would never let him have gone through with it, of course, because all things said and done an hour of morning sex is infinitely more pleasurable of a job requirement than picking up stale pizza crusts and refilling coffee mugs.
*
"So how is it?" Gwen asked, cornering Ianto one morning as he was about to make his rounds with the coffee. Jack is napping, a habit he's developed since the baby drains him of so much energy. "How's Jack, and all?"
"Jack's fine," Ianto said, wishing desperately that someone would rescue him.
"And you? How are you holding up with it?"
"I'm fine." He gave her a tight smile. "Everyone's fine."
He started to walk away, but she grabbed his arm. "We were thinking, me and Tosh and Owen, you know. We should do something. For Jack."
"What do you mean?"
"You know!" Gwen smiled, too happy for it to be so early in the morning. "A shower, or something."
"A... baby shower?" Ianto said, trying not to be too obvious with his displeasure. "You want to throw Jack a baby shower?"
"It'll be great fun. We'll just need you to distract him while we get it set up. I'll give you all the details soon." Gwen said, bright-eyed over the idea.
*
Sometimes, Ianto can see why it isn't such a bad thing.
He likes it at night, after they've had sex. In the past, after shagging Jack hasn't really seen much reason to hang around. He'd let Ianto sleep in his bed, and take to his office to look over test results or scans or just monitor the city for anything out of the ordinary. Now Jack isn't so fast paced. Now they lay together with their heads on the same pillow, sleepily talking and laughing. Jack likes to be pressed right against Ianto. He says that the body heat keeps the baby from making too much of a fuss.
Ianto points out that maybe the wee one just likes to be near his Dad.
Jack almost takes offense (the age-old male pregnancy issue of who gets to be called the father) but then he seems to change his mind. He tells Ianto nothing, but the look on his face says how pleased he is that Ianto's finally beginning to think of the baby as his.
There may even be a tear in his eye, but Ianto politely says nothing.
*
There was a shower, and Jack did love it.
In retrospect, Ianto wasn't sure why he even questioned whether Jack would enjoy it or not. Food, presents, and people making a fuss over him - all things Jack did thoroughly enjoy.
Tosh gave him booties infused with some sort of alien technology to keep the baby at optimum temperature no matter the weather outside.
Gwen gave him a baby blanket, and glared resentfully at Tosh.
Owen gave him a bottle of sparkling cider to celebrate with (and slipped Ianto a present of his own - single malt scotch whiskey).
They toasted with the cider, and played games that Gwen organized. Guessing how much the baby would weigh and how long it would be, the silliest baby names they could think of. Ianto slipped out with the whiskey when it got to be just a little too much, but Jack was having too much fun to notice.
*
Along with Jack's bad moods and the enhanced sex drive come moments of melancholy that to Ianto are the worst. Moments like now, when Jack falls into silence and stays that way for hours.
They've been laying entwined on Jack's bed for almost two hours now. Ianto's hand moves in slow circles on Jack's back, soothing and reminding Jack that he is not alone.
Jack lifts his head and looks at Ianto. There are things there that Ianto can't even begin to understand, the depths of Jack's past and his experiences. "If it's a girl, I want to name her Rose."
*
Jack's pregnancy went along at the same rate any normal human pregnancy would. Around month seven, the baby was as active as could be. More than once, Jack said that it was a good thing he didn't really need to sleep, because there's no way he would have been able to.
Unfortunately for Ianto, Jack now liked to have company during the night. All pretenses of keeping Torchwood clean were gone; Ianto spent the day being grateful that there were other people around to keep Jack occupied so he could catch a few hours of sleep here and there.
Still, there were some moments he wouldn't have pawned off on anyone even if he could have. Feeling the baby kick, for one. He loved to walk up behind Jack and put his hands on Jack's belly. The baby always reacted. Jack swore that she (Jack was so sure that they'd both just taken to calling it her. Owen said they'd if they were wrong, they'd have a very confused little boy on their hands) knew it when Ianto was around, because that was when she squirmed the most.
*
Ianto used to imagine what his children would be like. He always saw Lisa as the mother; Lisa, who had laughingly seduced him into her bed because she thought he was cute and who always claimed that she'd "accidentally" fallen in love with him. Lisa had been smart and sassy and determined to do her job as best she could. She wanted to be in charge of Torchwood One one day.
Lisa will never be anything and she'll never do anything, because she's dead and now Ianto's going to have a family (as unconventional as it may be).
With Jack's help, he learns to let go of what he thought his life would be and embrace it for what it is. Jack is eight months and thirteen days pregnant when Ianto walks up to him and says, "You know how I feel about you, don't you, Jack? I haven't ever told you, but I am... I do. You know."
Jack goes into his office and shuts the door. Ianto follows him, and finds him sitting at his desk with his face in his hands. "Jack? Are you all right?" Ianto kneels by the desk. He puts a hand on Jack's arm and rubs up and down.
"I'm fine," Jack says. His eyes are puffy and red, but he's smiling. "You know it goes the same for me, right?"
Ianto's chest feels like it's filling with helium. He stands up and kisses Jack hard on the mouth.
*
Jack got up one morning and announced that he couldn't spend one more day inside the hub. It had been almost three months since he'd left for more than a breath of fresh air. With no change of scenery, he told them all, he would most likely end up committing three, possibly four, acts of homicide before the day was over.
Three sets of eyes turned to look at Ianto, who sighed and went to prepare the SUV for a bit of a field trip. Jack left Owen in charge, much to Tosh and Gwen's horror.
Since there weren't very many places a man eight months pregnant could go without getting more than few strange looks, they drove to Ianto's flat. He wasn't even sure why he kept the lease, except that once in a while it was nice to have a place to get away to.
He felt a little guilty when it occurred to him that he'd never even thought of Jack needing to get away, too. Jack had never been to Ianto's flat, and took absolute delight in exploring every inch of it. While Ianto was out getting them lunch, Jack made himself comfortable on the couch.
"We need a television at home," Jack said, flipping through stations idly. "Why do we not have a television?"
Ianto shrugged. "We have... CCTV. The ultimate in reality television."
Jack rolled his eyes and threw a pillow at Ianto, who caught it neatly. He sat beside Jack, lifting Jack's feet to make room. Absent-mindedly, he started to rub Jack's ankles.
"What are we watching?" He asked, his fingers digging into sore and slightly swollen flesh.
Jack let out a noise of happiness. "I don't know. Something.... uh. Football."
Ianto's face lit up in such a way that Jack laughed at him.
*
Part two.
Jack/Ianto
R
PROBABLY OOC. CRACKFIC. MPREG.
I'm never going to have sex again, Ianto thinks. Never. Never. Never. It's too dangerous. There are consequences. You get disease. You get a broken heart.
You get your boss pregnant.
*
"Ianto!" Jack shouted. "Come here! God damnit, Gwen, where'd he go?"
Ianto sat slumped by the door in the kitchen. It was only a matter of time.
He could hear Gwen's puzzled, "I don't know, he was just here... do you want me to help you look?"
"No," Jack snapped back. "I'll find him. IANTO!"
The door to the kitchen open, and Ianto jolted upright.
It was just Tosh.
"What are you doing here?" She said. "Jack's looking for you."
"I know. I can hear him." Ianto resumed staring at the floor, knees tucked to his chest. "I'll go to him. I just needed a minute. A few minutes. Of peace and quiet. You understand, don't you?"
Tosh bit her lip and nodded. She walked out, and Ianto heard her say, "He's not in the kitchen, Jack. Why don't you check the basement?"
*
The conversation goes something like this:
Jack: Ianto? I have something to tell you. I'm just going to come right out and say it.
Ianto: .... yes?
Jack: Well. It's like this.
Ianto: Sir.
Jack: I'm pregnant.
Ianto: Right. Would you like some coffee, then?
Not his finest moment, Ianto is willing to admit.
*
Everyone grew to fear Jack in the mornings
"Where's Ianto?" Was the first question they'd always asked.
When Ianto wasn't around, they made themselves very, very busy. On one occasional, a Weevil "accidentally" escaped the cell area and required chasing. The chase took approximately eight hours.
That wasn't the only difference. Things were also being neglected around the hub, as Ianto was called on for other less professional things.
"Ianto?" Owen said, visibly irritated by the lack of coffee anywhere in the building. He held up the empty coffee pot. "Ianto-"
"Owen," Ianto said with an expression few had seen on him before. "If you want your sodding coffee, you'll make it yourself. Unless you'd rather trade places, in which case," he thrust a tube of warming massage lotion into Owen's hand, "Jack is waiting on his foot rub."
After that, Owen made his own coffee without much complaint.
*
Jack acts like it's just a nuisance to begin with. Ianto isn't sure how he's supposed to feel. Jack doesn't even mention it for three days, after he tells Ianto. Everything goes on like normal. Another week goes by. Ianto begins to wonder if he imagined it all.
Then one morning Jack shows up at his house, wearing a white-t-shirt and trousers with no shoes on. "Let me in. You've gotta see."
Ianto is utterly, thoroughly confused. "What?" Jack pushes past him and then strips off his shirt. He turns sideways and splays his hand on his stomach. Where just weeks before it had been flat and vaguely rippled with muscle, there was now a decidedly softer swell.
"That's it." Jack looks not at Ianto, but down at himself. "That's the baby."
Then he does look up, and flashes Ianto that bright, beautiful smile.
It's real after all. Ianto tries to look like he isn't fighting the urge to throw up.
*
"You're what?" Gwen said, her eyes like plates.
"I can't believe it. How?" Tosh said.
Owen didn't say anything, just sat back looking both intrigued and impressed.
"And... it's Ianto's." Jack finished neatly, arms crossed over his chest. Ianto, standing just behind him and to the side, uses all of his prior training to keep an absolutely straight face as Owen's seat tipped so far that he actually fell over.
*
Jack does not get morning sickness. Jack does get morning horniness.
Owen might have reconsidered Ianto's offer had he known that following the foot rub there was a blowjob and then a reciprocating handjob from Jack. Ianto would never let him have gone through with it, of course, because all things said and done an hour of morning sex is infinitely more pleasurable of a job requirement than picking up stale pizza crusts and refilling coffee mugs.
*
"So how is it?" Gwen asked, cornering Ianto one morning as he was about to make his rounds with the coffee. Jack is napping, a habit he's developed since the baby drains him of so much energy. "How's Jack, and all?"
"Jack's fine," Ianto said, wishing desperately that someone would rescue him.
"And you? How are you holding up with it?"
"I'm fine." He gave her a tight smile. "Everyone's fine."
He started to walk away, but she grabbed his arm. "We were thinking, me and Tosh and Owen, you know. We should do something. For Jack."
"What do you mean?"
"You know!" Gwen smiled, too happy for it to be so early in the morning. "A shower, or something."
"A... baby shower?" Ianto said, trying not to be too obvious with his displeasure. "You want to throw Jack a baby shower?"
"It'll be great fun. We'll just need you to distract him while we get it set up. I'll give you all the details soon." Gwen said, bright-eyed over the idea.
*
Sometimes, Ianto can see why it isn't such a bad thing.
He likes it at night, after they've had sex. In the past, after shagging Jack hasn't really seen much reason to hang around. He'd let Ianto sleep in his bed, and take to his office to look over test results or scans or just monitor the city for anything out of the ordinary. Now Jack isn't so fast paced. Now they lay together with their heads on the same pillow, sleepily talking and laughing. Jack likes to be pressed right against Ianto. He says that the body heat keeps the baby from making too much of a fuss.
Ianto points out that maybe the wee one just likes to be near his Dad.
Jack almost takes offense (the age-old male pregnancy issue of who gets to be called the father) but then he seems to change his mind. He tells Ianto nothing, but the look on his face says how pleased he is that Ianto's finally beginning to think of the baby as his.
There may even be a tear in his eye, but Ianto politely says nothing.
*
There was a shower, and Jack did love it.
In retrospect, Ianto wasn't sure why he even questioned whether Jack would enjoy it or not. Food, presents, and people making a fuss over him - all things Jack did thoroughly enjoy.
Tosh gave him booties infused with some sort of alien technology to keep the baby at optimum temperature no matter the weather outside.
Gwen gave him a baby blanket, and glared resentfully at Tosh.
Owen gave him a bottle of sparkling cider to celebrate with (and slipped Ianto a present of his own - single malt scotch whiskey).
They toasted with the cider, and played games that Gwen organized. Guessing how much the baby would weigh and how long it would be, the silliest baby names they could think of. Ianto slipped out with the whiskey when it got to be just a little too much, but Jack was having too much fun to notice.
*
Along with Jack's bad moods and the enhanced sex drive come moments of melancholy that to Ianto are the worst. Moments like now, when Jack falls into silence and stays that way for hours.
They've been laying entwined on Jack's bed for almost two hours now. Ianto's hand moves in slow circles on Jack's back, soothing and reminding Jack that he is not alone.
Jack lifts his head and looks at Ianto. There are things there that Ianto can't even begin to understand, the depths of Jack's past and his experiences. "If it's a girl, I want to name her Rose."
*
Jack's pregnancy went along at the same rate any normal human pregnancy would. Around month seven, the baby was as active as could be. More than once, Jack said that it was a good thing he didn't really need to sleep, because there's no way he would have been able to.
Unfortunately for Ianto, Jack now liked to have company during the night. All pretenses of keeping Torchwood clean were gone; Ianto spent the day being grateful that there were other people around to keep Jack occupied so he could catch a few hours of sleep here and there.
Still, there were some moments he wouldn't have pawned off on anyone even if he could have. Feeling the baby kick, for one. He loved to walk up behind Jack and put his hands on Jack's belly. The baby always reacted. Jack swore that she (Jack was so sure that they'd both just taken to calling it her. Owen said they'd if they were wrong, they'd have a very confused little boy on their hands) knew it when Ianto was around, because that was when she squirmed the most.
*
Ianto used to imagine what his children would be like. He always saw Lisa as the mother; Lisa, who had laughingly seduced him into her bed because she thought he was cute and who always claimed that she'd "accidentally" fallen in love with him. Lisa had been smart and sassy and determined to do her job as best she could. She wanted to be in charge of Torchwood One one day.
Lisa will never be anything and she'll never do anything, because she's dead and now Ianto's going to have a family (as unconventional as it may be).
With Jack's help, he learns to let go of what he thought his life would be and embrace it for what it is. Jack is eight months and thirteen days pregnant when Ianto walks up to him and says, "You know how I feel about you, don't you, Jack? I haven't ever told you, but I am... I do. You know."
Jack goes into his office and shuts the door. Ianto follows him, and finds him sitting at his desk with his face in his hands. "Jack? Are you all right?" Ianto kneels by the desk. He puts a hand on Jack's arm and rubs up and down.
"I'm fine," Jack says. His eyes are puffy and red, but he's smiling. "You know it goes the same for me, right?"
Ianto's chest feels like it's filling with helium. He stands up and kisses Jack hard on the mouth.
*
Jack got up one morning and announced that he couldn't spend one more day inside the hub. It had been almost three months since he'd left for more than a breath of fresh air. With no change of scenery, he told them all, he would most likely end up committing three, possibly four, acts of homicide before the day was over.
Three sets of eyes turned to look at Ianto, who sighed and went to prepare the SUV for a bit of a field trip. Jack left Owen in charge, much to Tosh and Gwen's horror.
Since there weren't very many places a man eight months pregnant could go without getting more than few strange looks, they drove to Ianto's flat. He wasn't even sure why he kept the lease, except that once in a while it was nice to have a place to get away to.
He felt a little guilty when it occurred to him that he'd never even thought of Jack needing to get away, too. Jack had never been to Ianto's flat, and took absolute delight in exploring every inch of it. While Ianto was out getting them lunch, Jack made himself comfortable on the couch.
"We need a television at home," Jack said, flipping through stations idly. "Why do we not have a television?"
Ianto shrugged. "We have... CCTV. The ultimate in reality television."
Jack rolled his eyes and threw a pillow at Ianto, who caught it neatly. He sat beside Jack, lifting Jack's feet to make room. Absent-mindedly, he started to rub Jack's ankles.
"What are we watching?" He asked, his fingers digging into sore and slightly swollen flesh.
Jack let out a noise of happiness. "I don't know. Something.... uh. Football."
Ianto's face lit up in such a way that Jack laughed at him.
*
Part two.