A combatitive narrator, which is cool-- sounds like the narrator might be as important as the protagonist (which I always like to see ^_^)
I'll be interested to see where this goes. Is Alice only twelve? That's the impression I got; she'll be an interestingly young heroine if so. Very young, in the context of the swearing and the mentions of seduction and lust; I think you'll have to handle that carefully (and I'm sure you will!)
'I don’t want to hear the words ‘once upon a time’ and if anyone mentions ‘happily ever after’ I shall scream. This is a dark telling.' is a great couple of sentences. Made me grin ^_~
The last line really works as well- right tone of exasperation mixed with (perhaps) a tiny hint of desperation that the story should get read.
There a couple of places that need tweaking-- if you email me a copy, I'll highlight them if that would help.
All in all, awesome. Looking forward to seeing where it goes.
Hello, sorry I'm a bit late. I will try and use the eyepatch excuse to fumble up some sympathy...
To give a basic overview, I like love the first section better than the second section. I love the aggression - especially the "Slink away, that's right". It's really difficult to write narrators that address readers and get it working, but it seems like you're getting a good hold on that voice here.
I think the second section (about Alice) isn't quite as strong, primarily because I reckon it could be cut down quite a lot. I'm not sure you need all the detail on her family - we'll be able to glean that from the narrative to come.
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Ooh, interesting.
A combatitive narrator, which is cool-- sounds like the narrator might be as important as the protagonist (which I always like to see ^_^)
I'll be interested to see where this goes. Is Alice only twelve? That's the impression I got; she'll be an interestingly young heroine if so. Very young, in the context of the swearing and the mentions of seduction and lust; I think you'll have to handle that carefully (and I'm sure you will!)
'I don’t want to hear the words ‘once upon a time’ and if anyone mentions ‘happily ever after’ I shall scream. This is a dark telling.' is a great couple of sentences. Made me grin ^_~
The last line really works as well- right tone of exasperation mixed with (perhaps) a tiny hint of desperation that the story should get read.
There a couple of places that need tweaking-- if you email me a copy, I'll highlight them if that would help.
All in all, awesome. Looking forward to seeing where it goes.
(gayfacemcgay!)
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To give a basic overview, I like love the first section better than the second section. I love the aggression - especially the "Slink away, that's right". It's really difficult to write narrators that address readers and get it working, but it seems like you're getting a good hold on that voice here.
I think the second section (about Alice) isn't quite as strong, primarily because I reckon it could be cut down quite a lot. I'm not sure you need all the detail on her family - we'll be able to glean that from the narrative to come.
"Open the damn book". Ooh, I do love that voice!
Great start, sexypants!
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