frank/gerard college au not!fic, part 1

[mxtape]

that au where frank & mikey are freshman roomies and mikey's older brother who's a senior comes around to "show them the ropes" sometimes, which mostly consists of inviting them to his friday night d&d campaigns at the sci-fi house, although sometimes he hauls them along to art class gallery openings, too! FREE WINE, he bribes them, FREE! NO ID NECESSARY!

frank has just gotten over his high school stoner phase and so he's kind of lost for a social group for awhile! the potheads seem dumb to him suddenly and gerard is... nice but strange. so mostly he hangs out with mikey, though he does meet this guy ray in guitar lessons who's awesome. so frank spends a lot of time practicing guitar, which he was never serious about before in his shitty high school bands, but he gets really into it and he and ray start playing at the campus coffee shop on thursday nights, messing around with arrangements of old metal and punk songs but without vocals because neither of them really sing.

mikey promptly falls in love with this girl alicia during orientation and spends weeks following her around and trying to infiltrate her social group. she's friendly to him but he just knows they're mfeo! so he yammers at frank about her while frank sprawls upside down on his bed strumming his guitar and wondering why he hasn't found some girl to fixate on yet because that seems like a normal freshman rite of passage. really he just spends his time with three dudes, two of whom are definitely even weirder than he is, and he's not sure what that says about his social success at college.

and then one day while ray and frank are playing at the coffee shop, gerard walks in with a big scarf wrapped around his neck and his cheeks are all pink and he's smiling at the big blond guy he came in with and kind of leaning on the counter, and then he glances over at frank and waves a little and frank fumbles his strings for a second because--well--he's never really addressed that whole issue since he put it away in a box marked "for later" when he was fourteen and shrimpy and tired of getting beat up on. he never even paid attention to whether or not gerard is into boys, honestly, he's been so unaware of the whole topic!

so then he spends a weekend lying under his covers and moping and sort of thinking about putting his hand down his sweatpants and just going for it but freaking out a little at the last minute every time. each time mikey comes in he's like, "you sure you're okay, dude?" increasingly worriedly, but it's not like frank can TELL him about this because a) GAY OMG and b) MIKEY'S BROTHER OMG.

so he just stews all weekend and then on monday on his way to class he sees a sign for some glbt support group at the gender & sexuality center, whatever kind of gay shit that is... and then he trails off in his brain and is like... crap. so he goes on tuesday evening and sits there and is like, "hey, i'm frank. i dunno, i sort of like this guy. he's a senior and i don't know if he's, y'know, gay. or if i am, really. uhh. yeah. i play guitar."

ummm ok so then! what happens is the facilitator of the group, brian, talks to him afterward and gives him, like, half the lending library to read and frank is like... "yeah, not so much with the reading, sorry."

so brian is like "okay fine. how about you come to the queers & allies house party this friday and see how that goes?"

so frank is like, "allies, huh? there'll be straight people too?"

and brian is like, "oh yes, lots of straight girls at least, i guarantee it."

and frank is like, "um, okay?" he's a little wary that if he goes everyone there will assume he's totally 1000% gay and start hitting on him and being gay at him when he's walking around campus and the thought makes him vomit a little in his mouth. he has no idea about all of this, he just kind of wants to cuddle with gerard and maybe touch him a little bit. or just touch himself and think about gerard, maybe. it's all so confusing!

so friday rolls around and in the mean time mikey has definitely noticed that frank is more on edge than usual and gerard seems to have noticed, even, or maybe mikey just told him, because in the caf on friday during lunch he gives frank this intense full-body hug that leaves frank kind of vibrating and stunned. and then says, "if you need to talk about anything, just come find me, okay?" and ruffles frank's hair before smiling all nicely and walking away. frank clutches his backpack straps and stares after him at the way he walks in his loose art class jeans and--crap. crap.

the thing is, he's decided that gerard is off-limits--as mikey's brother, as a potentially straight dude, as a good friend, as a senior, on and on. so if he's gonna be gay, frank figures, he's gotta find someone else to be gay with and get over this gerard fixation. this is kind of the real secret reason why frank goes to the gay party (as he calls it in his head). so he shows up on the q&a house front porch in his black jeans and pink belt (he debated about this and facepalmed about how he could've bought a pink belt without realizing) and a non-smelly t-shirt. he thinks he looks okay, he even put some shit in his hair! he really has no idea what gay guys do, but that seems right to him.

so everything's pretty good for the first half-hour, or at least better than he'd worried about. brian drags him around for introductions and averts his eyes when frank hits the kegger to take the edge off a little, and there are some cool people here--frank's never been a homophobe or anything it's just...different when it's him. trying to deal with finding someone cute to try making out with. because secretly, that was the goal for tonight, to just try it out. he's talking with this pseudo-skater punk guy with a weird popped collar and an id bracelet when disaster strikes. frank glances over the dude's shoulder to scan the room for anyone less...vaguely depressing...and spots gerard coming downstairs with the big blond guy from the coffee shop trailing behind him.

frank's eyes bulge a little and he maneuvers himself into the corner, grabbing the dude's shoulders in order to hide himself. all he can think is that gerard! was upstairs! with that dude! at the gay party! that means sex, right??? frank wishes he had more experience with these things, not for the first time.

the pseudo-skater punk dude seems to take frank's maneuvering a different way, though, because suddenly he's moving in, crowding frank against the wall and, like, sticking his tongue in frank's mouth. frank gasps a little, eyes still riveted on gerard as he makes his way across the living room. then frank scrunches his eyes shut because, hey, convenient decoy plus the whole point of the party, really! so he pulls the dude closer and sort of tries to make the kiss a little less intense and tongue-y. it's almost nice, after a moment, actually. frank thinks about it, sucking on the guy's lower lip. he likes the way it feels to have a guy up against him like this, warm and close, although this guy feels a little too hard or sharp around the edges. frank thinks, with surprise, i don't like muscley guys! and promptly grins and falls out of the kiss because, omg, he knows something about what kind of guys he likes! the guy pulls him back after half a second and frank goes willingly, feeling happy and excited, though not necessarily because of this guy in particular.

so he misses gerard passing right by them on the way to the kitchen and casting a surprised glance over at frank and the guy he's with and how happy frank looks.

frank totally thinks he dodged the bullet, there. it was maybe a little awkward being like, "sorry dude, not interested," after making out for half an hour against the wall, buuuuut. there's only so far frank is ready to go just yet. he lopes back to the dorm around 1am, a little buzzed from cheap beer and kissing! his first! dude! and mikey is on the computer checking his wow stats when he comes in.

mikey is like, "dude, did you GO TO A PARTY??"

and frank is like "UM UM YEAH. A FRAT PARTY. WITH...CHICKS. STRAIGHT ONES. ://///"

and mikey kinda eyeballs him is like, "straight ones, huh? i thought frat parties had the bi chicks."

and frank is like, crap, "THERE WERE THOSE, TOO. GIRLS MAKING OUT WITH EACH OTHER ALL OVER MY FACE. IT WAS VERY HOT."

and mikey sighs and closes down his wow session and swivels around in his chair and looks at frank and frank fidgets with his t-shirt and sort of wipes at his chin nervously, like there might still be BOY SPIT all over him. and mikey is like, "dude, what the hell. :|"

and frank is like "I KISSED A BOY MIKEY OMG" and then faceplants into his bed.

mikey crosses his arms, all unimpressed, like, "okay, so?"

and frank rolls over and gawps at him, "MIKEY. I KISSED. A BOY. AT A GAY PARTY. A PARTY FOR GAYS."

and mikey is like, "so this is new then."

and frank groans in frustration because mikey doesn't understand his aaaaangst! he's kind of been buffeting back and forth between excitement and terror for an entire week and it's exhausting, ugh.

so eventually mikey takes pity on frank and is like, "okay, so tell me about it, dude."

and frank is like "seriously? you won't be grossed out?"

and mikey is like, "i accidentally witnessed gerard's first dude-kiss when i was thirteen. it was scarring. nothing can possibly compare to that horror anymore."

and frank is like O.O SO THEY WERE HAVING GAY SEX UPSTAIRS. because he had sort of held out hope that maybe gerard accidentally stumbled into the party and upstairs with some hot dude and, like, yeah. yeah. apparently not. gerard is not straight and that makes things a bit more difficult for frank's off-limits plan.

and then there's a lot of nonsense where gerard starts hanging out with mikey and frank more because mikey mentions something about how frank's been kinda stressed lately and gerard, like, HASN'T FORGOTTEN that scene at the party and sort of puts two and two together and is like I WILL MENTOR POOR FRANK WITH HIS BABY GAY ANGST~!

so he's allllways around and inviting frank out to coffee or whatever and frank is like x___x because how is he supposed to MOVE ON when gerard keeps giving him these ~hugs and touching his shoulder and hair and ~smiling at him all the time and looking all earnest with his big eyes and asking if frank wants to ~talk! FRANK CURSES MIKEY AND HIS OBVIOUS TREACHERY.

essentially, frank's crush gets worse. it gets really worse, like to the point where he's not even into the idea of finding random guys to make out with anymore. he goes to gay parties and chats with brian and glances around with vague hope that he'll be into some guy but he never really is. and then gerard comes around and slings his arm over frank's shoulders and grins and introduces "bob, who's totally awesome, you'll love him. he plays drums!" and frank's poor little heart just SHRIVELS because apparently gerard is into muscles and big manly men, even if frank isn't. so that's a "never in a million years," clearly!

so eventually frank decides that HE WILL GET SOME EVEN IF HE HATES EVERY MINUTE OF IT, GOD DAMN IT. and starts a month-long round of getting off with any old dude at parties while fairly smashed out of his head. it's satisfying in that, fuck you i'm finally getting my dick sucked! sort of way, at least. gerard still frownyfaces at him sometimes when he sees this behavior going on, but he doesn't comment because, well, he believes in nonjudgmental sex and frank's a freshman so he'll settle down soon enough.

and so then it gets around to halloween and mikey is like, "what are the haps, dude? what do you want to do for your birthday?"

and frank is like "HUH." and realizes that he's kind of, like, gotten BORED of getting drunk and laid. it's only his nineteenth birthday, that shouldn't even be possible, right??? but he's kind of worked his way through a good chunk of all the easy gay dudes on campus and, well, gotten himself a bit of a reputation in the process, he's noticed lately.

not that gerard ever said anything beyond blinking his stupid, pretty, kind eyes and asking, "so, do those guys make you happy frank?" to which frank wanted to to pound his head into the coffee shop table and yell, "NO OMG ONLY YOUR SHINING PRESENCE MAKES ME HAPPY OKAY JESUS CHRIST IN A KEGERATOR!" but instead he just muttered something noncommittal and hunched his shoulders and slurped his coffee and watched gerard's smudged inky fingers fidget on the tabletop.

and then later they watched hitchcock movies and gerard put his arm around frank and rubbed his back comfortingly and frank fell asleep on his shoulder, drooling and wondering what kind of detergent smells like clove cigarettes because gerard doesn't smoke those at all even if all his pretentious art class friends do.

so on halloween they all go the diner and eat curly fries and pumpkin-frosted cookies and gerard tries to teach frank how to blow smoke rings and then mikey sees alicia outside and gets that shifty look like he wants an excuse to talk to her so frank takes pity because, really, his own romantic failure is not mikey's fault, so then they go outside to smoke instead. and mikey talks to alicia while her friends glance at him and then at each other and giggle a little and gerard watches the whole scene with eyes just a bit narrowed like he thinks this won't end any better than it would've in high school. and ray and frank talk about how they want to totally do this buzzcocks tribute show for one of their thursday night gigs except for how they'll need to rearrange a bunch of stuff so it works without vocals.

and gerard steals frank's lighter from his front pocket and gestures with his chin at some dude across the parking lot, asking, "isn't that one of your guys, frank? he's been staring at you for like an hour." which is ridiculous because they've only even been outside for twenty minutes or something, but frank glances over and shrugs, like, "i dunno. i guess? why?"

and gerard is like, "just, i noticed. maybe you should go say hi. be nice."

and frank frowns because, "why? i'm talking with ray. i don't even really know that guy."

and gerard purses his lips a little and shrugs again and says, "okay, i dunno, i just thought maybe he seemed like a decent guy or whatever. he was in the section i t.a.'d last spring, i think."

frank gives him a weird look because, what? is gerard like, trying to subtly SET HIM UP or what??

and gerard is like, "HE MIGHT BE NICE OKAY??"

and frank chews on a hangnail and watches the guy not-look at him for a minute but the thing is, he doesn't particularly want to get laid tonight. he wants to hang out with gerard. and mikey and ray. "it's cool," he says, "i'm not really looking, but y'know. thanks for having my back, man."

gerard just gives him a funny look like he's not convinced that frank doesn't want...what, sex? a boyfriend? frank isn't really sure.

for the next week or so frank keeps feeling like gerard is ~watching him all the time with, like, ~concern. it's really fucking annoying. and then one night they're sitting around gerard's sweet double single playing original nintendo because gerard is weirdly obsessive and loyal about his gaming and mikey has the newer stuff anyway and frank totally gets killed dead and he's like, "UGH. THESE BUTTONS ARE NOT RESPONSIVE, DUDE." and gerard is like, "that's what bad gamers say dude."

and frank just snaps suddenly and is like, "why are you always hanging out with me and watching me and making weird faces at me???"

and gerard just stares at him and kind of looks blank for a second and then looks embarrassed and his little luigi wipes out (because he totally lets frank be mario) and he says, "shit, uh. when you put it like that it sounds totally creepy, huh?"

and frank is like, "um?" because that wasn't his first thought, no. more along the lines of, HOMG GERARD IS NOTICING ME WHYYYYY.

but gerard looks all sheepish and admits that, "um, i sort of thought you might need, uh, guidance?" and he winces because it sounds kinda bad when he puts it like that.

frank just stares at him. "so you're being, like, my gay big brother, is what you're saying."

and gerard smiles and nods because that sounds way less weird.

frank just sits there, kinda slouching and picking at the gross industrial carpet and feeling sullen. his heart kind of... feels like a lump in his gut right now and he really has no one to blame but himself. gerard is watching him concernedly again, though, which really sucks. frank just wants to crawl into his lap and never leeeeeaaaave, both in the comforting platonic way and in the sexytiems way. but he'll totally settle for the only one he's going to, like, get. so.

gerard touches his shoulder lightly and make a questioning noise, all worried, and frank kinda rolls over and into his lap like a little kid because that's clearly how gerard sees him anyway. he wraps his arms around gerard's neck tightly and buries his face in his hoodie neck and curls up in a little ball, and gerard makes a surprised noise but he just latches onto frank, one arm around his waist and one across his back, fingers massaging the back of frank's neck. he tugs frank in even closer and murmurs vaguely, tucking his knees up around frank's body and leaning against the wall, mattress squeaking a bit. "it's okay," he tells frank, "it's okay, honey. i know."

but he DOESN'T KNOWWWW, frank wants to wail, HE DOESN'T KNOW AT ALLLLLLL and his stomach hurts like it used to when he was a kid, all sharp and achey at once. he's totally not gonna cry, though, he's just gonna sit here and feel all warm and ~held and kinda heartbroken even though he totally thought he knew better than to let that happen.

gerard just pets him quietly and says, "you're having a rough time, huh, sweetheart?" and frank breathes in hard against his warm neck and rubs his cheek there because it just feels so good and mumbles, "kinda."

gerard shivers a little but doesn't move away from frank, just holds him steady. "yeah, i thought this might happen," he says. "you just kinda dove right in, didn't you? you never really processed any of this at all and now it's all catching up and it's scary."

frank nods, even though the way gerard means that is pretty different than the way frank means it. he's fine with being gay, whatever, it's not like he ever really tried that hard to be straight, it was just...he didn't ~know, and now he ~does. it's pretty simple. it's more about how he really thought he was getting over gerard by getting with a bunch of guys and pretending like it didn't matter because he could do the non-emotional thing as well as the next gay guy. he can't. he really, really, really likes gerard. gerard has stupid habits like getting his fingers all dirty and smoking cloves when he's with his art friends and hugging frank all the time and being so fucking nice and funny and genuine and sweet all the time. and having bob. whenever he's not with frank or mikey, he's with bob.

"it'll get easier," says gerard, and frank does not believe him.

"i don't want it to," he mutters, fisting a hand in gerard's tangled hair.

"you don't?" gerard asks, drawing back a bit in surprise.

"no," frank tells him, leaning his forehead against gerard's temple and just looking, watching his eyelashes flutter as he tries to figure out what frank means.

"are we talking about the same thing?" he finally asks, lips twisting.

"no," frank sighs. his heart is beating really fast and he kind of can't believe he's daring to tell gerard even that much. he feels dizzily scared and weirdly calm at the same time. gerard turns his head, looking intently into frank's eyes, brow furrowed and nose wrinkled.

"are you--" he starts, but frank just goes ahead and presses forward, tongue sliding against gerard's lower lip, which drops open slightly and then frank can get in there, feel gerard's slick teeth and--gerard pulls away sharply, jostling frank off him, onto the bed.

"um," gerard stutters, hands flailing. frank just lies there, eyes closed, trying to remember the feeling for a few more seconds, getting ready to be kicked out because he's such a fucking idiot kid. "um," gerard continues, "what? what? i don't--"

"i'm sorry," says frank, opening his eyes and watching somberly as gerard jitters, eyes wide.

"um, okay?" gerard says, clearly still freaked out. "did you--was there--did i do something?"

frank shuts his eyes again, sighing, "no. it's--don't--i'm just stupid, okay. that's all. can we, like, pretend i didn't do that, maybe?" he's pretty sure gerard isn't gonna go for that, though.

"no!" says gerard. "no, like, frank! i'm--wow, i don't know even what to say, here--" frank rubs a hand over his knotted-up stomach and gerard breaks off abruptly, looking away. "uhhh," gerard tries to pick up again, "uhh, like, wow, um. that--shouldn't've happened."

frank watches him worry his fingers through lowered lashes. "okay," he says dully. "yeah, i'm just--i'm sorry. i won't do it again."

gerard nods a couple times, fast, still not looking at frank. it's all pretty depressing. frank decides it's time to get the hell out of there so he makes his excuses and gets out the door and once he makes it to the stairwell he kind of stops and just stands there for like three minutes. then he goes back to his room.

frank avoids mikey for a couple days by wearing his headphones around everywhere and his hoodie up and either going to bed super-early or staying out at the music building practicing with ray until super-late. it's just, he doesn't wanna deal with telling mikey what a dumbass he is for his older brother. mikey might already know by now, but still.

frank sees gerard one time across the caf and the weird thing is that gerard totally sees him, too, like, out of everyone in the huge place he looks up straight at frank and kinda blanches and hides his face behind bob, who glances over his shoulder with a funny expression and then bends to say something to gerard. frank is totally fucking screwed, jesus. at least he's gotten about a million percent better at guitar? it's midterm week anyway so shit's crazy and he can legitimately avoid everyone for awhile at least.

except for how he runs into bob in the music building which by all rights should've happened before now and not right after frank macked on bob's boyfriend, but like, shit. frank's life, so HARD. bob gives him the nod and the eye, suspiciously frank thinks, and frank ducks his head like, DON'T KILL THE KID, OK, OMG and miraculously bob says, "hey man, what's up?"

frank is like "uhhhhh, nothin? you?" D:

and bob is like "yeah, y'know." and then looks around and is like, "here's the thing. gerard's got this martyr complex like crazy, he wants to, like, save shit all the time. bunnies and frogs and shit. and you're kinda mikey's best friend, y'know? like, little brother by proxy or whatever, and that's just how he is, so."

frank stares. "i'm a bunny? or a frog?"

bob shrugs, looks uncomfortable. "or whatever," he agrees. "so there's like a line there, is what i'm saying."

frank nods dolefully. "yeah, i noticed." and then wants to kill himself because WAY TO ADMIT THAT HE HIT ON GERARD OHGOD.

"but he's a fucking idiot," bob continues, "so don't pay attention to his stupid lines or whatever, cuz he's just making himself miserable over this shit. so just, like, yeah. fix it." he makes an illustrative gesture with his sticks and frank narrowly avoids ducking in terror.

"fix it?" he asks.

"yeah, like, get on that shit," bob says. and then ambles off down the hallway like he didn't just tell frank to go jump gerard. frank's starting to think he's been misinterpreting some shit, for real.

the weird thing is, gerard finds FRANK in the music library way before frank is even ready to, like, THINK about maybe approaching him. the humiliation, he thinks, would be crippling because what is he gonna say, "sorry i molested your face, it was just that i'm in like with you? no big, though! btw, what's up with you and bob? i think he might be under the mistaken impression you don't hate me!" UGH.

but gerard sneaks up on him like a ninja one evening while frank is huddled up on a study couch in the far back corner with his guitar and music theory notes, trying to make sense out of this absolutely brutal take-home midterm.

frank's plugging away for awhile and he just starts to get that weird prickle like someone's watching him and he kinda stiffens a little and glances subtly right & left but NO ONE'S THERE. CREEPY. and like, frank's heard stories about how the third floor is haunted by that student from the '20s who killed himself in the organ practice room but OMG WHAT WHAT and then he looks up straight ahead and in the window sees this reflection of a FUCKING GHOST STANDING BEHIND HIM AND HE SHRIEKS AND NEARLY DROPS HIS GUITAR and then gerard's voice goes, "shit! shit! sorry, sorry, frank! dammit fuck, i didn't mean to--" and frank's heart is still going triple time because HOLY HELL it's not a ghost okay but this is maybe worse. and gerard comes around the couch, waving his arms like, it's okay it's okay! it's totally not.

"UM." says frank, breathing hard and trying to avert his eyes from gerard's I'M SO SORRY face because like he hasn't looked at gerard this close up since--ugh ugh ugh. frank is so fucking humiliated. "um, what are--what're you doing here?" he finally gets out, and gerard's sorryface looks kind of sorrier.

"i just--bob said he ran into you and might've--said some stuff. and i just wanted, um. bob has--weird ideas. about me. or you or us or whatever. he's crazy. so. i just wanted to, uh..." he glances at frank and then away again, massaging his hands over his knees, "just set some stuff straight. i guess?"

frank picks at his guitar strings, staring down at his fingers in order to avoid gerard's face. he's glad his hair is kind of hiding his own. "uh-huh," he says, because yeah, he'd have to be stupid not to know what's coming.

"yeah, so," gerard says, voice a little distant and high, "so, i think you should know that--you're--you're an amazing person, frank," his voice lowers a little, back into his normal, sincere register, and that kind of hurts more than anything else because frank knows that gerard's MEANS this let-down.

"thanks," he mumbles.

"you are," gerard continues, like he doesn't think frank believes him. "you're smart and talented and funny and sweet and just--great. you're great."

frank nods again, just a shallow duck because his throat feels all tight and his study notes are blurring in front of him.

"so," says gerard, shifting a little, "so just--you should know that. that i think that. about you. but i also think--you're really new to this, frank, and i know that it's confusing and difficult to deal with sometimes. and this term is--it's your first time away from home and dealing with sex and guys and all this stuff and i think you're confusing me with someone--" he stops and sighs shakily, "i think you think i'm someone safe to experiment with, but i'm not. i'm not like the guys at the parties, okay, frank? i'm just--i'm your friend. okay? and i'm not going to do that to--be that to you."

frank sits there, chin practically digging into his guitar, head feeling heavy and spinny all together, stomach sick. he can't even think of a single thing to say. it's--gerard's got it so wrong, he thinks, but then--it's not like frank can explain that to him. and it's not--this is so different from those stupid guys he fooled around with, but what if gerard is kind of right, anyway? frank feels safer with gerard than with almost anyone and what if that's why he feels this way? he doesn't know--this has never happened to him before.

"okay, so," gerard says again after a little bit, awkward like he expected frank to say something. "um, are you okay? with that?"

frank forces himself to uncurl, un-tense, breathe out in a whoosh and sit up even though he feels shaky, and look gerard in the face. gerard looks tense, too, picking at the cuff of his jean jacket. frank looks at him for a long time, his earnest wide eyes and pale lips and tangled hair, because it feels like the last time he'll get to do that somehow, even if it isn't literally. "yeah, okay," he says, voice kind of cracked and quiet. "i get it. i--i meant it when i said i was sorry before. i know that's not--not what we are. and i won't try to--i'll be smarter."

gerard gives him a little bit of a funny look, like he's not quite sure what that response means, but he nods like he's satisfied. "okay then. i'm glad we're cool." he smiles, some of the strain falling from his expression as he reaches out to push frank's fringe behind his ear gently. "hey, we should go see the batman marathon downtown on friday, once we're all done with midterms, huh?"

frank smiles at him, tries not to flinch, and nods. "yeah, sounds good."

"okay," gerard nods again, getting up, "i'll let you get back to studying, then. ask mikey about friday."

frank nods and once gerard's gone, disappeared through the stacks, he puts his guitar down on the floor and slowly lies down on the couch. he stares at the waterstained acoustic ceiling tiles for fifteen minutes or so, not thinking about very much at all. after awhile he decides that gerard is probably wrong, because even though he promised he'd stop thinking about it, all he wants to do is curl up in gerard's bed again and kiss him and touch his warm neck and whisper things he's thinking.

so they end up going to the batman marathon with mikey, and gerard invites bob along, and frank ends up stuck between bob and gerard for like six hours and he's like SIGH THIS WAS INEVITABLE. bob keeps stretching up over past frank to do something with gerard's shoulder--it looks like he's poking him, but frank doesn't really get it. bob gave him the impression that he and gerard WEREN'T together, and gerard keeps glaring over at bob and shifting uncomfortably and during one of the intermissions they go out to smoke and bob manhandles gerard around the corner and frank and mikey stand there awkwardly trying to pretend they're not arguing over there. it's kinda weird altogether and not the best way to unwind after midterms, honestly.

so things go on like this and pretty soon it's thanksgiving break and frank's mom comes to pick him up in her little honda and he has to stare at her while they drive because HE HASN'T SEEN HER IN MONTHS and it's SO WEIRD. because like. HIS MOM.

being at home in his own bedroom is this whole paradigm change and even though it's only for a week it's interminable and strange and he avoids his straight high school stoner friends when they call because all he really wants to do is watch daytime tv and eat cheetos and text mikey and practice guitar. and maybe, sometimes, just like once he swears, rub one out against his sheets while making a really stupid face and thinking...not-about smudged, gentle fingers or pretty eyes or a low voice. really. he hasn't gotten laid in over a month and this is as good as it's gonna get for now, he knows.

he complains at his mom about turkey-killing until she decides that they'll just, fine, do the whole tofurkey thing no matter how creepy it looks, and in apology for whining frank even makes a pie crust for the pumpkin pie because that is one thing he totally rocks at.

and then on sunday she drives him back and he feels kind of funny about it, like being home was this weirdly grounding moment and now he feels aware of who he used to be again, because he'd sort of forgotten in the past couple months. and he shoots the shit with mikey and ray and goes back to classes and eats caf food but it's all with this perspective that he didn't have before. college has already changed him, he realizes. like, A LOT. and not just the whole gay thing, either. he barely recognizes the life he left back at home and he's so glad things are different now and that he has these awesome people in his life, even gerard who makes his chest hurt still sometimes when he touches him softly or hugs him tight.

gerard definitely notices that frank seems different when he comes back from break, because for the next week, frank's almost subdued--he's reflecting, is the weird thing; frank doesn't think he's ever reflected this much in his entire fucking life--and gerard casts him curious looks sometimes, but doesn't ask what's up. frank doesn't mind. he's spending more and more time with ray working on arrangements and with mikey, listening to him talk about his chemistry final project that sounds kind of kickass actually (explosions!) and his success at myspace stalking alicia over break. mikey got a message back from her that was signed "xx alicia" and he's still jizzing himself about how he's gonna make his move any day now, any day.

frank nods and says "yeah man, go for it" and feels like a hypocrite because he fucking crashed and burned in the most humiliating way when he went for it with his own out-of-his-league freshman crush, christ. he still thinks about that total fail most nights when he's sprawled on his stomach in bed, cheek smushed against his pillow pile. it's probably pathetic to still be getting hard over the memory of his tongue against hard teeth and a soft palm on the nape of his neck. especially with gerard's little brother four feet away, snoring. whatever.

frank's good about not letting on that he still remembers it at all, is the thing. gerard definitely thinks frank's over it, he's pretty sure, because he doesn't act awkward or jumpy around frank at all anymore--just like goofy, brilliant, friendly gerard, which frank can totally deal with. totally. like, it's gotta get better, so. he expects any day now.

"brian says he hasn't seen you around q&a house lately," gerard mentions one day in mid-december while they're supposedly studying for finals at the coffee shop but really have just spent an hour debating whether pogs or pokemon cards were the more useless '90s trend.

"uh, no, not really i guess," frank answers vaguely, running a hand over his buzzed neck. it still feels prickly--he shoulda taken a shower after doing it but he was late to meet gerard.

"so how is--how's all that coming along, then?" gerard sounds hesitant to ask, for the first time. frank frowns.

"yeah, it's fine. i just--i'm cool with it, like. i just have better stuff to do right now, or like, since break i guess."

"huh," gerard nods seriously, "okay then."

"yeah," frank repeats, "like, so i'm gay, so what? it's--the weird thing is, like, it didn't even occur to me to tell my mom, when i was home. it just seemed so different there, i kinda forgot that i should probably do that, catch her up with me. i guess i'll talk to her over christmas though."

"huh," gerard says again, "are you nervous?"

frank squints at the coffee cup between his hands. "naw," he says after a minute, "i know her. she--her best friend was gay, growing up, she always got excited when he sent christmas cards from, like, florida or wherever."

gerard nods. "so you're, like, adjusted to it, then?" he asks.

frank's gaze flashes up for a second, suspicious, trying to read gerard's eyes but they're kind of bland-looking, set in the middle distance over frank's shoulder. "yeah," frank shrugs. "i guess i'm done with the whole gay party hookup thing, anyway," he giggles a little, remembering what a total overstimulated kid he must've looked like, then winces because, ugh, yeah.

gerard nods again, says, "so do--are you, like, just not looking right now or--like, do you want the whole boyfriend thing instead?"

"uh, i dunno," frank says, taken aback because he hasn't thought about it. he mostly just wants gerard, whatever kind of "thing" that might be, but. "i guess i kinda want to try the boyfriend thing? i mean, but not--not with just any old guy, is the thing."

"hmm," gerard says inscrutably, "yeah, i figured you'd be looking for--not just whoever was around, but someone more--special."

frank doesn't really know what to make of this. "i guess," he says doubtfully, and gerard ducks his head down to his anthro book again, seemingly done with the subject.

Part 2