Marauder Rare Pairs ♦ Fic: A Rebellious Moses
Title: A Rebellious Moses
Author: Liliths_Requiem
Pairing: Sirius/Lily
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5070
Prompt: 17. Three ways to break all the rules (Sirius/Lily)
Warnings: The writing is a little disjointed.
Summary: Sirius remembers the people he once loved, and tries to cope with breaking all the rules he thought he lived by.
Author's Notes: I started this thinking I could nail the prompt, and then realized I really couldn’t. I tried with this, however, and I’m hoping that I’ll eventually turn the other rambling I started into an actual fic one day.
The Marauders’ Ten Commandments which are Not to be Broken in any Circumstance.
1. Thou shall not betray thy mates.
2. Thou shall not tell anyone of Remus’ furry little problem.
3. Thou shall not go out of thy way to make life easier for one Severus Tobias Snape.
4. Thou shall not ask out any bird to whom a fellow Marauder has claim.
5. Thou shall never deny Remus a piece of chocolate
6. Thou shall not attack Regulus Black unless thou is provoked
7. Thou shall never mention Peter’s crazy Aunt Rodene unless he mentions her first.
8. Thou shall never harm the innocent or protect the guilty
9. Thou shall never pass up a Marauder event for studying.
10. Thou shall rejoice on the day that Lily Evans finally says yes to James
The Commandments were made in their third year, just a few months after they’d found out about Remus’ transformations, but long before they figured out just how to help him with them. The first three were a given, but the other seven took time and consideration. They were scratched into the back of an ancient stone Sirius found in his parents’ garden, just after the November full moon. He wrote them with a smile on his face and a sure, steady hand. Because James, Remus, and Peter were his absolute best friends, and he couldn’t imagine ever hurting any of them. But there were three times in his life-three isolated events-in which he didn’t break just one commandment, but all of them. When he’s sitting in his cell in Azkaban, trying to grapple with the torments of the dementors, these are the days that haunt him.
Saturday, March 5, 1977
In all honesty, they should have been expecting it to be Snape. While Sirius and Lily took precautions against Remus, Peter, and James finding out about their relationship, they never bothered protecting their secret trysts from Snievllus. He and Lily hadn’t spoken in almost a year. Any time he came close to her she shirked back against the closest human being and tried not to breathe the same air as he did. She’d come a long way from that day she defended him at the Lake, only to have the word “Mudblood” thrown back in her face.
They were sitting in a quiet part of Ravenclaw’s roof-top gardens, which Lily had found last year on her first midnight round as a Prefect. Her legs were thrown over his lap while they kissed, long and languidly. She had a habit of making him forget his family’s insistence on always keeping his guard up. They didn’t hear Snape approaching until he was almost n top of them.
Sirius had his wand in his hand before Lily could even process the new arrival. Most students didn’t know about the gardens, and the ones that did wouldn’t be out at midnight unless they were Prefects. She wasn’t expecting to be interrupted, and when Lily was faced with a dilemma she hadn’t planned for, she was pretty much useless.
Snape didn’t even bother reaching for his wand. He didn’t have to. The tone of his voice and the look on his face were enough to hurt Lily without any magical aid. “Is it difficult, Lily?” he asked, the disgust rolling off of him in waves, “Being Potter’s dream girl and Black’s whore at the same time?”
The look on Lily’s face was almost enough to drive Sirius to murder. He had his wand up against Snape’s throat before either of the other two people in the garden could move. Lily looked on silently, a scream caught on her lips, but for some reason inaudible. Snape didn’t even have the decency to look scared.
“How do you live with yourself, Black?” he asked, “Feasting on my leftovers and shagging the girl that your best mate is supposedly in love with.” The wand at his throat began to burn, but Snape kept talking. “What a twisted group of gormless cowards you all are. You’re shagging Lily, Potter can’t seem to take a hint, Pettigrew lets you all walk all over him, and Lupin puts up with all of it.”
“Don’t, you slithering slime ball.” Sirius warned, his words forcing their way out through his teeth, as his jaw was locked with the will it took to keep from hexing Snape until he could no longer speak.
“Don’t what, Black? Mention your pet werewolf while in the presence of your concubine?” Either he had grown braver in the past few years, or Severus Snape really did have no idea when to quit.
“I’m not his concubine, Severus,” Lily stated, finally gathering her wits. “Sirius, take your wand away from his throat. I don’t feel like reporting a murder tonight. Severus, don’t talk about things you couldn’t possibly understand.”
Sirius lowered the wand, but kept it pointed at Snape’s chest. Snape asked, “What are these things I can’t understand Lily? Loyalty? Forgiveness? Respect?” The words seemed almost tangibly poisonous, considering the way they affected Lily, and Sirius began counting backwards in his head, hoping to keep from doing something rash.
“How about friendship? Courage? Justice?” Lily replied, grabbing Sirius’ hand. “Come on, Sirius. We’re leaving.”
The moment Sirius turned his back, Snape went for his wand. But Sirius was faster, “Expelliarmus,” he whispered, barely moving his hand. Turning around, Sirius said, “You want to learn something about those things, Snivellus? You want to be someone Lily might actually look at with something like love again? Meet me by the Whomping Willow tomorrow night.” He struggled to keep his voice even, but it faltered slightly when he said, “Who knows, it could be your last chance.”
:::
It was a duel, which meant, technically, Sirius was supposed to have a second. But telling James and Peter about it would have made Remus angry, because nothing was supposed to happen prior to a full moon. It wasn’t Moony being selfish, it was Moony being intelligent, something none of the other Marauders were when it came to Severus Snape. So Sirius went alone and threw the others off his scent by claiming he had an Arithmancy test to study for. When they bought it, he thanked Lily for talking him in to taking that ridiculous class. Although it was Saturday night, the night after the full moon was always a lazy day for the four of them, and the excuse worked well enough, considering the fact that Sirius never studied. As long as he made it into the shed by six, everything would be forgiven.
Snape arrived at a quarter to six, with Avery at his side. “You don’t have a second, Black,” Avery observed. Sirius shook his head. “I’ll be dueling alone tonight, Snievllus,” he said, raising his wand. He drew it into the salute, and Snape mirrored the stance. They turned, took three steps, and drew. “Flipendo,” Sirius said. He’d yet to meet a student who could out-draw him.
Snape parried, shot out his own jinx, and the duel began.
It took twenty-three minutes for Sirius to disarm him. Snape may have been brilliant at Potions, but when it came to wand-work, Sirius could easily best him. It was nearing seven by the time he and Avery were finished. Avery limped back to the castle with Snape, most likely because the scrawny boy couldn’t handle his friend’s weight. Sirius didn’t bother to move the unconscious Slytherin. He just tapped the willow, waited for the passage way to open, and followed it down into the Shrieking Shack.
He didn’t turn around in time to see Snape follow him. He didn’t realize the other boy was in the passageway until they were directly underneath the shack. He was late, and he was rushing, and he really should have been paying attention, because he was leading a weak dueler into a shack currently filled with a werewolf, a stag, and a rat. How, exactly, was he going to explain any of that if they survived this?
That was the problem: they had to survive this.
There weren’t many options. By that point, Remus was definitely a full-blown wolf, James was probably trying to control him, and Peter was most likely being useless. He needed someone who could stop Snape, because there wasn’t enough room in the hole to turn around and duel him. That was when Sirius made a decision. Better to have them all found out than to turn his best friends into murderers.
“Prongs!” Sirius screamed, the moment he realized Snape was behind him. “Prongs, hurry.” The words made it out of his mouth right before Snape’s affligo hex. Suddenly, everything went terrifyingly black.
:::
When he opened his eyes again, the first person Sirius saw was Dumbledore. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done, young man?” he asked, the severity of his tone cutting into Sirius like a dull spoon into bone. “You almost killed both Mr. Snape and Mr. Pettigrew. If it were not for the fast wand-work of Mr. Potter, there’s a good chance you would all be expelled, severely injured, or irrevocably dead.”
His head hurt too much for Sirius to ask how one could be dead without being irrevocably so, but then, he figure the question would not go over very well either way. So he said nothing. He simply assumed his best guilty look and prayed for Dumbledore to go away. He really didn’t feel well enough to be thinking about this. Dumbledore seemed to understand, because he shook his head and said, “You’ve been banned from Quidditch for the rest of the semester, you’ll be serving detention every night for the next ten weeks, and if I hear of any instance in which you were doing anything even remotely wrong, I will write to your mother.” He didn’t need to say any more, that last sentence was more than enough of a threat. Estranged or not, he still had the Black last name. If his mother knew about any of this, he was pretty sure she would kill him.
That was, if Remus, Peter, and James didn’t get to him first.
“What the bloody hell were you thinking you insensitive prat?” James asked, the moment Dumbledore left. He was sitting in between Sirius’ and Remus’ sick beds, and directly across from the one Snape had been in, but apparently had vacated that morning. “He could have died. Remus could have died. You could have gotten us all thrown in Azkaban!” The words weren’t yelled, they were growled. James sounded like a caged lion finally let loose and on the prowl. “Do you have any idea how bad Remus was when he changed back? I’ve never seen him so angry. You didn’t bloody think. You never bloody think. Fuck this. Tell Remus I’m in the tower. I can’t bloody deal with this.”
And James left. Peter just sat there, however, staring at Sirius’ bruised forehead, then James’ retreating form, then back again. “He was going to kill him, Sirius,” Peter said, defending James’ angry outburst. “You didn’t see Moony’s eyes, during the attack. James had to…it was so ugly. And the blood. Pomfrey said Remus probably won’t wake up until well after tomorrow’s breakfast. You…you really fucked things up this time Sirius.”
Sirius looked at him. Peter was never one to be grave, never one to be serious. He liked to tease and mock, he loved to laugh, and he all but worshiped Sirius. But in that moment, Sirius was almost certain that Peter was forcing himself to not stand up and hex Sirius into next week. For that, he wanted to clap. Maybe Peter really was growing up, catching up to the rest of them. “I’m sorry,” Sirius rasped, unable to find his voice, “It wasn’t supposed to happen like that.”
“How was it supposed to happen then?” Remus asked, pushing himself up. Werewolves had an uncanny ability to defy mediwitches’ expectations, something Pomfrey really should have taken into account when she told Peter when Remus would be waking up. “Was I some sort of secret weapon, Black?” Sirius couldn’t remember the last time Remus had called him by his last name. “Were you using me as a panacea for you quibbles with Snape? Did you think it would be funny? Something we could laugh about in the morning? Was I ever anything more than an offensive mechanism to you, Sirius?” his voice cracked on Sirius’ name, but somehow Remus didn’t sound complete lost until he said, “Is there anyone in this world you can talk to without trying to use or manipulate?”
The door slammed in the background, but Sirius didn’t take his eyes away from Remus, so he didn’t know Lily had come in until she said, “No,” and then, “There obviously isn’t.”
And for a moment, Sirius knew he was all alone, and there was a high possibility he would never have friends again.
Friday, June 23, 1978
“So he’s asked you, then?” Sirius asked, seeing Lily’s ring. They were alone, for the first time in over a year. James had a last minute meeting with Dumbledore about the Order, Remus was off with his parents, showing them around the school’s grounds, and Peter was talking to Professor Kettleburn about the possibility of doing research starting in August. Sirius had just walked away from the Potters, after meeting the fifth aunt whose name he couldn’t pronounce due to its antiquity. Merlin, he knew James’ parents were old, but he hadn’t been aware that his entire family was ancient.
The light hit the emerald just right, and he was proud of himself for choosing a ring the exact same shade as Lily’s eyes. He and James had spent months looking for it. If they had spent any more time in the jewelry shop, Madame Patil probably would have started charging them rent. When Sirius saw the emerald ring with two diamonds on either side, he knew it was perfect. James, for his part, couldn’t have agreed more.
Lily almost smiled at him. While James and Peter had been quick to forgive him, holding out only a week before saying that the lack of heckling from Snape may have almost been worth it, and Remus was satisfied that Sirius had served his penance after the werewolf broke the dog’s nose for the fifth time, Lily still hadn’t forgiven him. They hadn’t so much as held hands since the night before the incident. Whatever relationship they had been fighting to keep going despite the secrecy died the moment he led Severus under that tree. Both of them had moved on, but Sirius still wasn’t entirely over it.
“Yes,” she said, after a moment. Her mother hadn’t come to the graduation, claiming that she would have felt just too horribly out of place. Her father had always been the supportive one, and when he died in their fourth year, Lily had fully understood how one’s heart could break. “We want to get married as soon as possible, for the legal benefits. He’s hoping you’ll be the best man, but don’t tell him I told you that.”
He wanted to offer her up a conspiring grin, but his broken heart and injured pride wouldn’t allow such a thing. “Do you love him?” he asked, not meeting her eyes. “Is it forever, with him, like you always said it would be?” It was the worst part of their relationship, which had lasted a little over two years. She was in love with Sirius, but she didn’t want to walk down the aisle with him. Sirius was fleeting, he burned too bright and she couldn’t live her life trying to not get burned. James was easy, safe, and when things got bad their seventh year, she turned to him to protect her, because Sirius never had.
She didn’t falter. If she had, he would have thought that maybe he stood a chance. But her tone was firm and her words resolute when she said, “Yes, Sirius. He’s absolutely everything.” She sounded so sure, so happy, even speaking to him, that he couldn’t bring himself to belittle her for it.
“I hope you’re happy,” he said, instead, his tone belying his words.
Lily looked at him with that steady intensity that made him fall for her all over again. “I hope, one day, you are too.” Then she moved away from him, looking for Remus and the Lupins. Sirius stayed where he was, watching her walk away.
:::
The only member of his family to attend the graduation was Regulus. Andromeda wrote to say she wanted to, but Ted had to go into hiding. His brother is standing off to the side, having just congratulated Snape and Avery. The sad thing was, Regulus hadn’t even attended the graduation for him. Sirius felt terrible enough without thinking about that. Lily was getting married to James, and maybe that was the Happily Ever After to the fairy tale they had been living since first year, but for Sirius, it was a tragedy.
He mustered up some sense of dignity and approached his brother. Turning away and pretending he hadn’t seen Regulus was an option, of course, but that would have been cowardly, and Sirius was nothing if not a Gryffindor.
“Hey Reg,” he greeted, as he walked up to him. They were hidden from most of the crowd, so he figured Regulus would hazard a regular conversation with him. What he really wanted was to fight with someone, to release some of the pain and anguish, but Regulus had never been very good at arguments.
Regulus made eye contact, which was a major step for him. “Sirius,” he said. “I guess I should congratulate you on this,” he allowed the words to linger for a moment and then said, “But it’s not as though you deserve it. Between Lupin and your disinheritance, they should have expelled you before you even began this year.”
Regulus wasn’t Snape. Insults like that weren’t enough to warrant a punch to the face. But Lily was getting married to James. Nine months, nine bloody months, and she was ready to take his best mate’s last name, whereas two years with him were thrown away without even the decency of a goodbye kiss. He needed something to take his anger out on, and Regulus was there.
So Sirius punched him.
Regulus, for his part, responded with a well-aimed hex, which only made Sirius angrier. Regulus was capable of so much, and yet the younger Black chose to throw away everything on the promise of making his family happy. It infuriated Sirius, how easily his brother would bend to their mother’s will. He was such a smart kid, with a natural dueling ability that almost rivaled Remus’, and Sirius knew his brother’s OWL scores would be top-notch. So why Regulus wasted his time with people like Snape, Yaxley, and the rest of the Slytherins was completely beyond him. Sirius grabbed his wand from his sleeve, threw a hex at Regulus, and allowed the duel to begin.
The brothers volleyed hexes and jinxes back and forth until Dumbledore stepped between them. It was probably for the best, as neither Black brother looked particularly worse-for-wear, even after ten minutes. Sirius knew he could have easily bested his brother, but while Regulus was willing to delve into darker magic in order to beat Sirius, the older Black wasn’t quite angry enough to harm his brother like that. Dumbledore, most likely having noticed this, chose not to comment on it. Instead, he said, “Don’t think I won’t rescind your certificate of graduation, Sirius Black,” as he took both boys’ wands away. “You aren’t free of Hogwarts just yet.”
James was the one to follow after them. James, with his loyalty and his firm belief in the good in everybody-except for Voldemort and Snape, but Sirius didn’t count them, anyway. James, with his look of worry because he knew that Sirius wouldn’t punch his brother for anything, especially not if Regulus didn’t throw the first hex. James, who was supposed to be his best bloody mate, who he was supposed to be happy for, because Lily Evans had finally said yes. James, who, with a diamond ring and probably a speech in which he tripped over every other word, had single-handedly broken Sirius’ heart.
“I’ll be fine,” Sirius said, following at Dumbledore’s heels. “Go spend time with Red.” James squeezed Sirius’ shoulder and then nodded. He walked away, but Sirius had a feeling he would have to explain all of this.
:::
Remus was the one waiting outside of Dumbledore’s office when Sirius was finally let out. It was well after dinner, and Sirius had a feeling he wouldn’t have much time to pack before the night was out. The look on Moony’s face expected an explanation, and Sirius, feeling vindictive, hid the piece of chocolate Dumbledore had given to him, even though he had been planning on giving it to his friend. “Wotcher, Remus,” he greeted, trying not to sound as hurt, tired, and angry as he felt. “How are Red and Prongs?”
Remus allowed for Sirius to throw an arm over his shoulder and pretend that nothing had happened. It wasn’t a big deal really, Sirius got into fights with Slytherins on a regular basis. Except, this time it had been a fight with Regulus, something he once swore would never happen. So he could understand the concerned looks from his friends, but this was one thing he couldn’t exactly explain to them.
“Disgustingly giddy,” Remus answered, steering them down the hall. “Not even you almost killing your brother could stop them from their happiness. It would be sweet, if it weren’t so disgusting.” It wasn’t that he didn’t love Lily, Sirius knew Remus thought of her as a kid sister-someone to look after and make fun of and laugh with. It was just that Lily and James acted so disturbingly perfect together that it made any single bloke this side of the pond feel inadequate and damned to loneliness. Throw in an unfortunate furry little problem, and anyone could understand Remus’ bitterness.
Sirius fingered the chocolate in his pocket, and thought about sharing it. They were both a bit hurt by the whole thing, even if they were supposed to be exuding happiness. But then Remus turned to him and said, “Why, exactly, did you attack Regulus?” and Sirius decided he could hide the chocolate from the werewolf that night.
“He said something about you,” Sirius replied, not quite meeting Remus’ eyes. It wasn’t a lie, not at all, but it wasn’t exactly the truth. He knew if Remus caught his eye, the werewolf wouldn’t need to ask any more questions to know there was much more to the situation than just that. Sirius fought to look straight ahead as he slipped an easy smile onto his face. But even his usual flirtation with the Fat Lady seemed different, and Remus’ eyes followed Sirius as he made his way up the stairs, not even waving to James, Peter, and Lily as he walked past.
The problem with being someone’s best friend for seven years, is that nine times out of then, they can see right through you.
October 31, 1981
Everyone else had to wait until morning to find out about the death of the Potters and the triumph of their infant son. But there were a few who knew, even before the Prophet, that the most beloved of the Order members were gone. Hagrid, to begin with, as he was the one to intercept James’ patronus as it made its way onto Hogwarts’ grounds. He wasted no time in telling Dumbledore, who seemed to already know. Hagrid arrived ten minutes after the fight ended. Sirius thought, as he stood amongst the rubble, that James’ whole life could have been summed up with the idea that other people really were just never fast enough.
Sirius knew as well. He was supposed to wait until tomorrow to bring Peter his weekly rations and whatever news he could, but Remus would be back from a mission tomorrow, and as much as he distrusted the werewolf by that point, he wanted to be there for when his friend got back. So he had packed Peter’s food, the last week’s worth of The Daily Prophet, and set off towards the shack Peter was hiding in. It wasn’t until he’d closed the doors and turned on the light and shouted Peter for the tenth time that he realized that rat had left.
It took exactly three minutes to apparate from Peter’s hiding spot to Godric’s Hallow. Maybe, if he’d been faster, he could have made it. As it stood, he arrived just in time to see the Death Eaters outside scatter. He threw angry hexes at their retreating frames as he rushed towards the house, and they were too afraid to respond. It was in that moment that he knew Voldemort was gone, but he wasn’t quite sure he was ready to find out what the victory had cost the world.
The first person he met when he walked into the house was living. It was a relief, in so much as it was not, as the person who was standing there was Hagrid. “Sirius,” the half-giant greeted, the name coming out as something lodged between a hiccough and a sob. “Sirius, I don’ know if you should be seein’ this.” But Sirius had already pushed past him, towards the couch. There, sprawled across the floor with his wand in his hand, was James Potter, his very best friend. If Hagrid was sobbing, Sirius didn’t think there was yet a word for the desperate cry that escaped his mouth.
“Where is she?” he asked, wide eyed and terrified. “Lily. Hagrid. Where’s Lily?” his tone picked up then, his hands started trembling, and he was almost certain his heart was going to beat out of his chest. “Hagrid, bloody look at me!” he cried.
The half-giant turned and met Sirius’ eyes. The infant in his arms look upset, but not half as distraught as Hagrid looked when he sad:
“Lily’s dead.”
And that’s when Sirius started to laugh.
:::
By the time he had calmed down, Hagrid was already gone. He had ignored Sirius’ request to take Harry, which was probably a good thing, as Sirius wasn’t sure he could have handled it. He left Hagrid his motorbike, with the cryptic excuse, “I won’t be needing it for very long.” And then he watched Hagrid and Harry disappear into the night, as he still choked on laughter mixed with sorrow. It took another few minutes for the laughter to subside, and even then, he couldn’t seem to breathe without shots of pain rushing through his veins. But when he could finally think clearly again, he began to think of what had happened, and what was left to be done.
He thought of Remus, who wouldn’t know of last night’s events for at least another house, and Peter, who was probably already on the run. Peter, who had betrayed them all. Peter, who he had bloody trusted. He pushed himself off the ground and morphed into his dog form. Padfoot began searching for a hint of rat, and when he caught the scent, he took off in a mad dash. There was no time to waste, Padfoot knew. The rat needed to face justice, and he alone knew the truth. The dog began to run. He knew what he had to do.
It took a full day to catch up with him, but when he finally found the rat, Peter looked almost proud of what had happened. Sirius snuck behind a shrub to transform back into his human form, and then grabbed his wand before he could so much as second guess his plan. “Pettigrew!” he yelled, forcing the muggles on the street to stop and look at him. All of them look confused, but only one man had fear in his eyes. “Peter, tell me you’ve been at your Aunt Rodene’s all night, and none of this actually happened.”
For a moment, Sirius thought Peter was going to come willingly. He seemed to be thinking something over in his head. Sirius almost made the mistake of lowering his wand. But then Peter met his eyes, pulled out his own wand and shouted: “Lily and James, Sirius, how could you?” The question cut straight through him, and Sirius had to ask himself the same question. The moment of hesitation on his part was all Peter needed. He blasted the entire street to pieces a full three seconds before Sirius even had his wand in a casting position. The smoke was too thick to see what direction the rat took off in, but that didn’t matter.
Within a minute, there were people on him, holding him down in the most barbaric manner. And then the aurors arrived. But Sirius didn’t register any of that, because he was standing there, looking at the explosion, the physical manifestation of the destruction of everything he ever knew and love. He was standing there and staring at everything that once had been and would never, ever be again. He was standing there and realizing that he had lost both the woman he loved and his best friend. All because he wasn’t strong enough for them. In his weakness, he had betrayed them.
So he was standing there, remembering that he was the reason everything he loved had come to an end. The muggles were holding him down, ignoring the wand that had fallen when the street exploded. He didn’t fight them, even though he could have easily thrown them off of him, because he couldn’t quite figure out what fighting against them would have gotten him. He lay still until the magical enforcements arrived, his body slack and tears running freely from his eyes. He was so broken, by the time that Ministry arrived, that when Cornelius Fudge asked him, “Did you kill them?” all Sirius could do was laugh and laugh and laugh.
Because every rule he ever lived by-rules regarding honor and loyalty-all those rules were broken now, just like James’ faith and Lily’s promises. Sirius could taste the bitterness of surviving, and he was sure it was killing him.
Author: Liliths_Requiem
Pairing: Sirius/Lily
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5070
Prompt: 17. Three ways to break all the rules (Sirius/Lily)
Warnings: The writing is a little disjointed.
Summary: Sirius remembers the people he once loved, and tries to cope with breaking all the rules he thought he lived by.
Author's Notes: I started this thinking I could nail the prompt, and then realized I really couldn’t. I tried with this, however, and I’m hoping that I’ll eventually turn the other rambling I started into an actual fic one day.
The Marauders’ Ten Commandments which are Not to be Broken in any Circumstance.
1. Thou shall not betray thy mates.
2. Thou shall not tell anyone of Remus’ furry little problem.
3. Thou shall not go out of thy way to make life easier for one Severus Tobias Snape.
4. Thou shall not ask out any bird to whom a fellow Marauder has claim.
5. Thou shall never deny Remus a piece of chocolate
6. Thou shall not attack Regulus Black unless thou is provoked
7. Thou shall never mention Peter’s crazy Aunt Rodene unless he mentions her first.
8. Thou shall never harm the innocent or protect the guilty
9. Thou shall never pass up a Marauder event for studying.
10. Thou shall rejoice on the day that Lily Evans finally says yes to James
The Commandments were made in their third year, just a few months after they’d found out about Remus’ transformations, but long before they figured out just how to help him with them. The first three were a given, but the other seven took time and consideration. They were scratched into the back of an ancient stone Sirius found in his parents’ garden, just after the November full moon. He wrote them with a smile on his face and a sure, steady hand. Because James, Remus, and Peter were his absolute best friends, and he couldn’t imagine ever hurting any of them. But there were three times in his life-three isolated events-in which he didn’t break just one commandment, but all of them. When he’s sitting in his cell in Azkaban, trying to grapple with the torments of the dementors, these are the days that haunt him.
Saturday, March 5, 1977
In all honesty, they should have been expecting it to be Snape. While Sirius and Lily took precautions against Remus, Peter, and James finding out about their relationship, they never bothered protecting their secret trysts from Snievllus. He and Lily hadn’t spoken in almost a year. Any time he came close to her she shirked back against the closest human being and tried not to breathe the same air as he did. She’d come a long way from that day she defended him at the Lake, only to have the word “Mudblood” thrown back in her face.
They were sitting in a quiet part of Ravenclaw’s roof-top gardens, which Lily had found last year on her first midnight round as a Prefect. Her legs were thrown over his lap while they kissed, long and languidly. She had a habit of making him forget his family’s insistence on always keeping his guard up. They didn’t hear Snape approaching until he was almost n top of them.
Sirius had his wand in his hand before Lily could even process the new arrival. Most students didn’t know about the gardens, and the ones that did wouldn’t be out at midnight unless they were Prefects. She wasn’t expecting to be interrupted, and when Lily was faced with a dilemma she hadn’t planned for, she was pretty much useless.
Snape didn’t even bother reaching for his wand. He didn’t have to. The tone of his voice and the look on his face were enough to hurt Lily without any magical aid. “Is it difficult, Lily?” he asked, the disgust rolling off of him in waves, “Being Potter’s dream girl and Black’s whore at the same time?”
The look on Lily’s face was almost enough to drive Sirius to murder. He had his wand up against Snape’s throat before either of the other two people in the garden could move. Lily looked on silently, a scream caught on her lips, but for some reason inaudible. Snape didn’t even have the decency to look scared.
“How do you live with yourself, Black?” he asked, “Feasting on my leftovers and shagging the girl that your best mate is supposedly in love with.” The wand at his throat began to burn, but Snape kept talking. “What a twisted group of gormless cowards you all are. You’re shagging Lily, Potter can’t seem to take a hint, Pettigrew lets you all walk all over him, and Lupin puts up with all of it.”
“Don’t, you slithering slime ball.” Sirius warned, his words forcing their way out through his teeth, as his jaw was locked with the will it took to keep from hexing Snape until he could no longer speak.
“Don’t what, Black? Mention your pet werewolf while in the presence of your concubine?” Either he had grown braver in the past few years, or Severus Snape really did have no idea when to quit.
“I’m not his concubine, Severus,” Lily stated, finally gathering her wits. “Sirius, take your wand away from his throat. I don’t feel like reporting a murder tonight. Severus, don’t talk about things you couldn’t possibly understand.”
Sirius lowered the wand, but kept it pointed at Snape’s chest. Snape asked, “What are these things I can’t understand Lily? Loyalty? Forgiveness? Respect?” The words seemed almost tangibly poisonous, considering the way they affected Lily, and Sirius began counting backwards in his head, hoping to keep from doing something rash.
“How about friendship? Courage? Justice?” Lily replied, grabbing Sirius’ hand. “Come on, Sirius. We’re leaving.”
The moment Sirius turned his back, Snape went for his wand. But Sirius was faster, “Expelliarmus,” he whispered, barely moving his hand. Turning around, Sirius said, “You want to learn something about those things, Snivellus? You want to be someone Lily might actually look at with something like love again? Meet me by the Whomping Willow tomorrow night.” He struggled to keep his voice even, but it faltered slightly when he said, “Who knows, it could be your last chance.”
:::
It was a duel, which meant, technically, Sirius was supposed to have a second. But telling James and Peter about it would have made Remus angry, because nothing was supposed to happen prior to a full moon. It wasn’t Moony being selfish, it was Moony being intelligent, something none of the other Marauders were when it came to Severus Snape. So Sirius went alone and threw the others off his scent by claiming he had an Arithmancy test to study for. When they bought it, he thanked Lily for talking him in to taking that ridiculous class. Although it was Saturday night, the night after the full moon was always a lazy day for the four of them, and the excuse worked well enough, considering the fact that Sirius never studied. As long as he made it into the shed by six, everything would be forgiven.
Snape arrived at a quarter to six, with Avery at his side. “You don’t have a second, Black,” Avery observed. Sirius shook his head. “I’ll be dueling alone tonight, Snievllus,” he said, raising his wand. He drew it into the salute, and Snape mirrored the stance. They turned, took three steps, and drew. “Flipendo,” Sirius said. He’d yet to meet a student who could out-draw him.
Snape parried, shot out his own jinx, and the duel began.
It took twenty-three minutes for Sirius to disarm him. Snape may have been brilliant at Potions, but when it came to wand-work, Sirius could easily best him. It was nearing seven by the time he and Avery were finished. Avery limped back to the castle with Snape, most likely because the scrawny boy couldn’t handle his friend’s weight. Sirius didn’t bother to move the unconscious Slytherin. He just tapped the willow, waited for the passage way to open, and followed it down into the Shrieking Shack.
He didn’t turn around in time to see Snape follow him. He didn’t realize the other boy was in the passageway until they were directly underneath the shack. He was late, and he was rushing, and he really should have been paying attention, because he was leading a weak dueler into a shack currently filled with a werewolf, a stag, and a rat. How, exactly, was he going to explain any of that if they survived this?
That was the problem: they had to survive this.
There weren’t many options. By that point, Remus was definitely a full-blown wolf, James was probably trying to control him, and Peter was most likely being useless. He needed someone who could stop Snape, because there wasn’t enough room in the hole to turn around and duel him. That was when Sirius made a decision. Better to have them all found out than to turn his best friends into murderers.
“Prongs!” Sirius screamed, the moment he realized Snape was behind him. “Prongs, hurry.” The words made it out of his mouth right before Snape’s affligo hex. Suddenly, everything went terrifyingly black.
:::
When he opened his eyes again, the first person Sirius saw was Dumbledore. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done, young man?” he asked, the severity of his tone cutting into Sirius like a dull spoon into bone. “You almost killed both Mr. Snape and Mr. Pettigrew. If it were not for the fast wand-work of Mr. Potter, there’s a good chance you would all be expelled, severely injured, or irrevocably dead.”
His head hurt too much for Sirius to ask how one could be dead without being irrevocably so, but then, he figure the question would not go over very well either way. So he said nothing. He simply assumed his best guilty look and prayed for Dumbledore to go away. He really didn’t feel well enough to be thinking about this. Dumbledore seemed to understand, because he shook his head and said, “You’ve been banned from Quidditch for the rest of the semester, you’ll be serving detention every night for the next ten weeks, and if I hear of any instance in which you were doing anything even remotely wrong, I will write to your mother.” He didn’t need to say any more, that last sentence was more than enough of a threat. Estranged or not, he still had the Black last name. If his mother knew about any of this, he was pretty sure she would kill him.
That was, if Remus, Peter, and James didn’t get to him first.
“What the bloody hell were you thinking you insensitive prat?” James asked, the moment Dumbledore left. He was sitting in between Sirius’ and Remus’ sick beds, and directly across from the one Snape had been in, but apparently had vacated that morning. “He could have died. Remus could have died. You could have gotten us all thrown in Azkaban!” The words weren’t yelled, they were growled. James sounded like a caged lion finally let loose and on the prowl. “Do you have any idea how bad Remus was when he changed back? I’ve never seen him so angry. You didn’t bloody think. You never bloody think. Fuck this. Tell Remus I’m in the tower. I can’t bloody deal with this.”
And James left. Peter just sat there, however, staring at Sirius’ bruised forehead, then James’ retreating form, then back again. “He was going to kill him, Sirius,” Peter said, defending James’ angry outburst. “You didn’t see Moony’s eyes, during the attack. James had to…it was so ugly. And the blood. Pomfrey said Remus probably won’t wake up until well after tomorrow’s breakfast. You…you really fucked things up this time Sirius.”
Sirius looked at him. Peter was never one to be grave, never one to be serious. He liked to tease and mock, he loved to laugh, and he all but worshiped Sirius. But in that moment, Sirius was almost certain that Peter was forcing himself to not stand up and hex Sirius into next week. For that, he wanted to clap. Maybe Peter really was growing up, catching up to the rest of them. “I’m sorry,” Sirius rasped, unable to find his voice, “It wasn’t supposed to happen like that.”
“How was it supposed to happen then?” Remus asked, pushing himself up. Werewolves had an uncanny ability to defy mediwitches’ expectations, something Pomfrey really should have taken into account when she told Peter when Remus would be waking up. “Was I some sort of secret weapon, Black?” Sirius couldn’t remember the last time Remus had called him by his last name. “Were you using me as a panacea for you quibbles with Snape? Did you think it would be funny? Something we could laugh about in the morning? Was I ever anything more than an offensive mechanism to you, Sirius?” his voice cracked on Sirius’ name, but somehow Remus didn’t sound complete lost until he said, “Is there anyone in this world you can talk to without trying to use or manipulate?”
The door slammed in the background, but Sirius didn’t take his eyes away from Remus, so he didn’t know Lily had come in until she said, “No,” and then, “There obviously isn’t.”
And for a moment, Sirius knew he was all alone, and there was a high possibility he would never have friends again.
Friday, June 23, 1978
“So he’s asked you, then?” Sirius asked, seeing Lily’s ring. They were alone, for the first time in over a year. James had a last minute meeting with Dumbledore about the Order, Remus was off with his parents, showing them around the school’s grounds, and Peter was talking to Professor Kettleburn about the possibility of doing research starting in August. Sirius had just walked away from the Potters, after meeting the fifth aunt whose name he couldn’t pronounce due to its antiquity. Merlin, he knew James’ parents were old, but he hadn’t been aware that his entire family was ancient.
The light hit the emerald just right, and he was proud of himself for choosing a ring the exact same shade as Lily’s eyes. He and James had spent months looking for it. If they had spent any more time in the jewelry shop, Madame Patil probably would have started charging them rent. When Sirius saw the emerald ring with two diamonds on either side, he knew it was perfect. James, for his part, couldn’t have agreed more.
Lily almost smiled at him. While James and Peter had been quick to forgive him, holding out only a week before saying that the lack of heckling from Snape may have almost been worth it, and Remus was satisfied that Sirius had served his penance after the werewolf broke the dog’s nose for the fifth time, Lily still hadn’t forgiven him. They hadn’t so much as held hands since the night before the incident. Whatever relationship they had been fighting to keep going despite the secrecy died the moment he led Severus under that tree. Both of them had moved on, but Sirius still wasn’t entirely over it.
“Yes,” she said, after a moment. Her mother hadn’t come to the graduation, claiming that she would have felt just too horribly out of place. Her father had always been the supportive one, and when he died in their fourth year, Lily had fully understood how one’s heart could break. “We want to get married as soon as possible, for the legal benefits. He’s hoping you’ll be the best man, but don’t tell him I told you that.”
He wanted to offer her up a conspiring grin, but his broken heart and injured pride wouldn’t allow such a thing. “Do you love him?” he asked, not meeting her eyes. “Is it forever, with him, like you always said it would be?” It was the worst part of their relationship, which had lasted a little over two years. She was in love with Sirius, but she didn’t want to walk down the aisle with him. Sirius was fleeting, he burned too bright and she couldn’t live her life trying to not get burned. James was easy, safe, and when things got bad their seventh year, she turned to him to protect her, because Sirius never had.
She didn’t falter. If she had, he would have thought that maybe he stood a chance. But her tone was firm and her words resolute when she said, “Yes, Sirius. He’s absolutely everything.” She sounded so sure, so happy, even speaking to him, that he couldn’t bring himself to belittle her for it.
“I hope you’re happy,” he said, instead, his tone belying his words.
Lily looked at him with that steady intensity that made him fall for her all over again. “I hope, one day, you are too.” Then she moved away from him, looking for Remus and the Lupins. Sirius stayed where he was, watching her walk away.
:::
The only member of his family to attend the graduation was Regulus. Andromeda wrote to say she wanted to, but Ted had to go into hiding. His brother is standing off to the side, having just congratulated Snape and Avery. The sad thing was, Regulus hadn’t even attended the graduation for him. Sirius felt terrible enough without thinking about that. Lily was getting married to James, and maybe that was the Happily Ever After to the fairy tale they had been living since first year, but for Sirius, it was a tragedy.
He mustered up some sense of dignity and approached his brother. Turning away and pretending he hadn’t seen Regulus was an option, of course, but that would have been cowardly, and Sirius was nothing if not a Gryffindor.
“Hey Reg,” he greeted, as he walked up to him. They were hidden from most of the crowd, so he figured Regulus would hazard a regular conversation with him. What he really wanted was to fight with someone, to release some of the pain and anguish, but Regulus had never been very good at arguments.
Regulus made eye contact, which was a major step for him. “Sirius,” he said. “I guess I should congratulate you on this,” he allowed the words to linger for a moment and then said, “But it’s not as though you deserve it. Between Lupin and your disinheritance, they should have expelled you before you even began this year.”
Regulus wasn’t Snape. Insults like that weren’t enough to warrant a punch to the face. But Lily was getting married to James. Nine months, nine bloody months, and she was ready to take his best mate’s last name, whereas two years with him were thrown away without even the decency of a goodbye kiss. He needed something to take his anger out on, and Regulus was there.
So Sirius punched him.
Regulus, for his part, responded with a well-aimed hex, which only made Sirius angrier. Regulus was capable of so much, and yet the younger Black chose to throw away everything on the promise of making his family happy. It infuriated Sirius, how easily his brother would bend to their mother’s will. He was such a smart kid, with a natural dueling ability that almost rivaled Remus’, and Sirius knew his brother’s OWL scores would be top-notch. So why Regulus wasted his time with people like Snape, Yaxley, and the rest of the Slytherins was completely beyond him. Sirius grabbed his wand from his sleeve, threw a hex at Regulus, and allowed the duel to begin.
The brothers volleyed hexes and jinxes back and forth until Dumbledore stepped between them. It was probably for the best, as neither Black brother looked particularly worse-for-wear, even after ten minutes. Sirius knew he could have easily bested his brother, but while Regulus was willing to delve into darker magic in order to beat Sirius, the older Black wasn’t quite angry enough to harm his brother like that. Dumbledore, most likely having noticed this, chose not to comment on it. Instead, he said, “Don’t think I won’t rescind your certificate of graduation, Sirius Black,” as he took both boys’ wands away. “You aren’t free of Hogwarts just yet.”
James was the one to follow after them. James, with his loyalty and his firm belief in the good in everybody-except for Voldemort and Snape, but Sirius didn’t count them, anyway. James, with his look of worry because he knew that Sirius wouldn’t punch his brother for anything, especially not if Regulus didn’t throw the first hex. James, who was supposed to be his best bloody mate, who he was supposed to be happy for, because Lily Evans had finally said yes. James, who, with a diamond ring and probably a speech in which he tripped over every other word, had single-handedly broken Sirius’ heart.
“I’ll be fine,” Sirius said, following at Dumbledore’s heels. “Go spend time with Red.” James squeezed Sirius’ shoulder and then nodded. He walked away, but Sirius had a feeling he would have to explain all of this.
:::
Remus was the one waiting outside of Dumbledore’s office when Sirius was finally let out. It was well after dinner, and Sirius had a feeling he wouldn’t have much time to pack before the night was out. The look on Moony’s face expected an explanation, and Sirius, feeling vindictive, hid the piece of chocolate Dumbledore had given to him, even though he had been planning on giving it to his friend. “Wotcher, Remus,” he greeted, trying not to sound as hurt, tired, and angry as he felt. “How are Red and Prongs?”
Remus allowed for Sirius to throw an arm over his shoulder and pretend that nothing had happened. It wasn’t a big deal really, Sirius got into fights with Slytherins on a regular basis. Except, this time it had been a fight with Regulus, something he once swore would never happen. So he could understand the concerned looks from his friends, but this was one thing he couldn’t exactly explain to them.
“Disgustingly giddy,” Remus answered, steering them down the hall. “Not even you almost killing your brother could stop them from their happiness. It would be sweet, if it weren’t so disgusting.” It wasn’t that he didn’t love Lily, Sirius knew Remus thought of her as a kid sister-someone to look after and make fun of and laugh with. It was just that Lily and James acted so disturbingly perfect together that it made any single bloke this side of the pond feel inadequate and damned to loneliness. Throw in an unfortunate furry little problem, and anyone could understand Remus’ bitterness.
Sirius fingered the chocolate in his pocket, and thought about sharing it. They were both a bit hurt by the whole thing, even if they were supposed to be exuding happiness. But then Remus turned to him and said, “Why, exactly, did you attack Regulus?” and Sirius decided he could hide the chocolate from the werewolf that night.
“He said something about you,” Sirius replied, not quite meeting Remus’ eyes. It wasn’t a lie, not at all, but it wasn’t exactly the truth. He knew if Remus caught his eye, the werewolf wouldn’t need to ask any more questions to know there was much more to the situation than just that. Sirius fought to look straight ahead as he slipped an easy smile onto his face. But even his usual flirtation with the Fat Lady seemed different, and Remus’ eyes followed Sirius as he made his way up the stairs, not even waving to James, Peter, and Lily as he walked past.
The problem with being someone’s best friend for seven years, is that nine times out of then, they can see right through you.
October 31, 1981
Everyone else had to wait until morning to find out about the death of the Potters and the triumph of their infant son. But there were a few who knew, even before the Prophet, that the most beloved of the Order members were gone. Hagrid, to begin with, as he was the one to intercept James’ patronus as it made its way onto Hogwarts’ grounds. He wasted no time in telling Dumbledore, who seemed to already know. Hagrid arrived ten minutes after the fight ended. Sirius thought, as he stood amongst the rubble, that James’ whole life could have been summed up with the idea that other people really were just never fast enough.
Sirius knew as well. He was supposed to wait until tomorrow to bring Peter his weekly rations and whatever news he could, but Remus would be back from a mission tomorrow, and as much as he distrusted the werewolf by that point, he wanted to be there for when his friend got back. So he had packed Peter’s food, the last week’s worth of The Daily Prophet, and set off towards the shack Peter was hiding in. It wasn’t until he’d closed the doors and turned on the light and shouted Peter for the tenth time that he realized that rat had left.
It took exactly three minutes to apparate from Peter’s hiding spot to Godric’s Hallow. Maybe, if he’d been faster, he could have made it. As it stood, he arrived just in time to see the Death Eaters outside scatter. He threw angry hexes at their retreating frames as he rushed towards the house, and they were too afraid to respond. It was in that moment that he knew Voldemort was gone, but he wasn’t quite sure he was ready to find out what the victory had cost the world.
The first person he met when he walked into the house was living. It was a relief, in so much as it was not, as the person who was standing there was Hagrid. “Sirius,” the half-giant greeted, the name coming out as something lodged between a hiccough and a sob. “Sirius, I don’ know if you should be seein’ this.” But Sirius had already pushed past him, towards the couch. There, sprawled across the floor with his wand in his hand, was James Potter, his very best friend. If Hagrid was sobbing, Sirius didn’t think there was yet a word for the desperate cry that escaped his mouth.
“Where is she?” he asked, wide eyed and terrified. “Lily. Hagrid. Where’s Lily?” his tone picked up then, his hands started trembling, and he was almost certain his heart was going to beat out of his chest. “Hagrid, bloody look at me!” he cried.
The half-giant turned and met Sirius’ eyes. The infant in his arms look upset, but not half as distraught as Hagrid looked when he sad:
“Lily’s dead.”
And that’s when Sirius started to laugh.
:::
By the time he had calmed down, Hagrid was already gone. He had ignored Sirius’ request to take Harry, which was probably a good thing, as Sirius wasn’t sure he could have handled it. He left Hagrid his motorbike, with the cryptic excuse, “I won’t be needing it for very long.” And then he watched Hagrid and Harry disappear into the night, as he still choked on laughter mixed with sorrow. It took another few minutes for the laughter to subside, and even then, he couldn’t seem to breathe without shots of pain rushing through his veins. But when he could finally think clearly again, he began to think of what had happened, and what was left to be done.
He thought of Remus, who wouldn’t know of last night’s events for at least another house, and Peter, who was probably already on the run. Peter, who had betrayed them all. Peter, who he had bloody trusted. He pushed himself off the ground and morphed into his dog form. Padfoot began searching for a hint of rat, and when he caught the scent, he took off in a mad dash. There was no time to waste, Padfoot knew. The rat needed to face justice, and he alone knew the truth. The dog began to run. He knew what he had to do.
It took a full day to catch up with him, but when he finally found the rat, Peter looked almost proud of what had happened. Sirius snuck behind a shrub to transform back into his human form, and then grabbed his wand before he could so much as second guess his plan. “Pettigrew!” he yelled, forcing the muggles on the street to stop and look at him. All of them look confused, but only one man had fear in his eyes. “Peter, tell me you’ve been at your Aunt Rodene’s all night, and none of this actually happened.”
For a moment, Sirius thought Peter was going to come willingly. He seemed to be thinking something over in his head. Sirius almost made the mistake of lowering his wand. But then Peter met his eyes, pulled out his own wand and shouted: “Lily and James, Sirius, how could you?” The question cut straight through him, and Sirius had to ask himself the same question. The moment of hesitation on his part was all Peter needed. He blasted the entire street to pieces a full three seconds before Sirius even had his wand in a casting position. The smoke was too thick to see what direction the rat took off in, but that didn’t matter.
Within a minute, there were people on him, holding him down in the most barbaric manner. And then the aurors arrived. But Sirius didn’t register any of that, because he was standing there, looking at the explosion, the physical manifestation of the destruction of everything he ever knew and love. He was standing there and staring at everything that once had been and would never, ever be again. He was standing there and realizing that he had lost both the woman he loved and his best friend. All because he wasn’t strong enough for them. In his weakness, he had betrayed them.
So he was standing there, remembering that he was the reason everything he loved had come to an end. The muggles were holding him down, ignoring the wand that had fallen when the street exploded. He didn’t fight them, even though he could have easily thrown them off of him, because he couldn’t quite figure out what fighting against them would have gotten him. He lay still until the magical enforcements arrived, his body slack and tears running freely from his eyes. He was so broken, by the time that Ministry arrived, that when Cornelius Fudge asked him, “Did you kill them?” all Sirius could do was laugh and laugh and laugh.
Because every rule he ever lived by-rules regarding honor and loyalty-all those rules were broken now, just like James’ faith and Lily’s promises. Sirius could taste the bitterness of surviving, and he was sure it was killing him.