Something we can't become - The songfic part 1
Title: Something we can't become
Author: music_is_breath
Pairing: Callica
Raiting: I don't get these but PG-13 I'd say
Summary: When words just aren't enough to work it out.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not-for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
A/N: Ok so this was sitting on my chest and wouldn't let me work on my paper. I'll so be dead next week.. ;) Anyway I really wanted to try this. It's a fanmix with a fanfiction to it, or maybe it's a fanficiton with a fanmix to it whatever you'd prefer. This is totally new to me, but like Erica would say, 'there's nothing wrong with new', right? So please let me know what you think about this! And hopefully enjoy it! ♥
Something we can't become
This was surely not what Erica wanted to spent her night with. She couldn’t help herself though. Every detail of that last evening was on replay in her head and for the sake of it she couldn’t, or maybe even didn’t want to, find the button to make it stop. She went through every little gesture and every little word again and again. She knew that somewhere had to be the hidden clue that would present her the answer. “Come on”, she said to herself. “This is not any different than any of the mystery medical cases you were already working on in the past!” But Erica knew that she was lying to herself now. This was way more complicated than everything that could ever lie in front of her on any OR table. For all the time of her working career, she was persuaded that people who got into relationships at work just weren’t disciplined enough. And now she was lying awake, trying to figure out why there was this big part of her that, when Callie was telling her about Addison’s suspicion, really liked the idea of it.
Immune- Melanie C
If you see me and I look away, please don't ask me
There's nothing to say about the way that I feel
It's hard to conceal when it's in my eyes
If I tell you that I'm doin' fine, please believe me
It may be a lie but I've got to move on
I've got to be strong, Now what else can I do?
Cause I've been wanting, waiting, hoping, praying
Oh I feel like I'm suffocating
There's nothing left to lose
If all that I have is the sweetest denial
If all I can give is the rest of my life
Then I'm over pretending, that I can survive without you
Thought I was stronger than love, but I guess that nobody's immune
Erica couldn’t know that Callie also wasn’t a visitor of dream-land that night. Or maybe she was, just not with her eyes being closed.
That was the reason they were both pretty grumpy in the morning. Although Callie thought that she was probably the only person that could notice Erica’s grumpiness, since everyone else thought Erica was just constantly grumpy. ‘But she’s not.’ Callie thought. She has had the chance to see through the shell of the goddess-like heart surgeon and discovered that there were so many other parts inside of Erica. And that she liked these parts very much. But was there more to it than liking? Right now, Callie would have sold her car in order to find an answer to that question. On the other hand she could keep her car, because she knew that she was wondering about the wrong question.
What she really needed to find out was if she could tell Erica about her thoughts. Instead of wrenching her head around already-solved riddles.
You give me something-James Morrison
You want to stay with me in the morning, you only hold me when I sleep
I was meant to tread the water, now I've gotten in too deep
For every piece of me that wants you, another piece backs away
'Cause you give me something, that makes me scared, alright
This could be nothing, but I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart
But it might me a second too late
And the words that I could never say, gonna come out anyway
There’s something soothing about the fact that even the longest days will eventually come to an end. Just not when you’re working in a hospital and sometimes the long days turn immediately into long nights. Callie felt exhausted and it wasn’t work that made her realize every single bone in her body. It was Erica. The irony was that Callie was pretty sure that Erica was also the person who could make the bone-achiness vanish. “This is my job” she defiantly said out loud. Some nurse was rushing by and gave her a confused look. ‘I know’ Callie sighed. She was staring at the elevator-door that was finally opening itself. When she stepped through the door into it, Callie instantly wanted to step out of it again. All of a sudden, she realized what she wanted to do, was she was about to do and what her heart had wanted to do for quite some time now. She was sure that if she‘d see Erica on her way out of the hospital, she would tell her about all her feelings and she was scared about her own certainty. Her hands spontaneously turned wet when the elevator door opened again and she stepped out into the hall. But there was no sign of the woman Callie wanted to open up her heart to. A mixture of relief and disappointment inside of her, she walked towards the door. Just as she finished thinking that she wouldn’t have the courage to talk to Erica tomorrow, the door opened and she saw that special caramel colored coat outside of the hospital. Taking a deep breath, Callie joined Erica in the cold and dark night.
Unthinkable (I’m ready) - Alicia Keys
Moment of honesty
Someone's gotta take the lead tonight
Whose it gonna be?
I'm gonna sit right here and tell you all that comes to me
If you have something to say, you should say it right now
You ready?
You give me a feeling that I never felt before and I deserve it, I think I deserve it
It's becoming something that's impossible to ignore and I can't take it
I was wondering maybe could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
If you ask me I'm ready
They both hadn’t been here before. And they also weren’t sure if they would like it there. There was just this one thing they did know. They didn’t need half the hospital to watch them while they were approaching each other on this whole new level. Consequently they voted against Joe’s.
Erica felt instinctively that Callie was in slight panic. She had been all day. Erica didn’t exactly know why. Of course she also never did this before. But the only thing she could feel was how lucky she was having Callie sitting on this table with her. Even if this Callie only clenched her cocktail glass and barely even looked at Erica. She could have asked why Callie obviously didn’t share the feeling. If she was honest though, she was a bit afraid of the answer. It was frustrating and new to Erica to not know what to do. Shouldn’t have someone told her how to handle the romantic part of the heart? The part, that isn’t just a muscle? How could she consider herself a heart-surgeon if there was this whole side to the heart that was full of insecurities for her? Before she could think any further she interrupted herself. ‘Someone needs to do something here or this is going to be a very silent night.’ she pointed out to herself. When she was looking at Callie’s outfit, she knew what she wanted to do. Erica held up her hand in front of Callie and asked: “Do you want to dance?” The smile occurring around Callies eyes let her know that she wanted the right thing.
The golden floor - Snow Patrol
Tell me that you want to dance
I want to feel your pulse on mine
I'm folded in the bread you made
You're cold until my body bathes you in the heat I kept aside
All these days
I'm not afraid of anything even time
It'll eke away at everything but we'll be fine
“I love you.” Erica let those words out without even realizing what she just did. And the fact that she didn’t notice it was due to the warm feeling that only Callie could give her. It was this warm, silent and golden moment after they had shared their bodies as well as their hearts and it was a moment you normally shouldn’t disturb with words. ‘Except for these words.’ Erica pointed out to herself. “Callie?” she whispered, turning her head around to the other side of the bed. But her lover was already asleep. Turning her head back to stare at the ceiling again, Erica could see her own words now drifting around the two of them in the dark and silent room. For a long time she stared at them, as if those words were some rare butterfly that she needed to examine. ‘When did this happen?’ Erica was wondering. ‘How could Callie dig inside of me and find this woman?’ She really liked this woman though. A smile found its way onto Ericas lips, even if no one was there to see it. She turned around again and wrapped herself around Callie, snuggling her nose into the black hair and smelling the warm, earthy smell of the other woman. She decided that she would catch the words another day.
Piñata Novia - Kane
I'm sure that time's gonna take its toll
And I know that my tattooed heart may make you lose control
But grab a hold of something, preferably my heart
And promise you won't let it go
And swear you'll never part away from me
I don't know why
I'm always tryin' to get inside of you
Pinata Novia
I'm sorry I'm breaking you open
It's just what you want me to do
It's exactly what I'm gonna do
“Damn it” Callie collected her trousers from the floor. “Damn it” she sighed again. Marc was looking at her with his stupid knowing face and his grin that said so much that Callie didn’t want to hear. “What?” Callie snapped at him. “I’m not saying anything.” Marc replied, shrugging his shoulders as if he was the personification of innocence. “Good!” Callie said as she rushed out of the room and down the hallways of the hospital. She didn’t know why she was angry at Marc. She didn’t know what she was doing with him. Actually she didn’t even know who she was anymore. For the last few days she had done things she would never had expected from herself. Why wasn’t Erica here now? She needed to be in her arms right now, hearing her voice. But Erica was saving a life this very moment, something Callie should be doing too. Instead of running around with this feeling inside of her that she was just about to destroy something. Something she really needed to be intact. Something she really wanted to be intact, but didn’t know how to handle. It was a good thing Callie hadn’t spent too much time looking in the mirror this morning. Somehow she had the suspicion she wouldn’t recognize herself anymore if she did.
Poison and Wine - The Civil Wars
I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I still choose you
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will
The clock seemed to be louder than usual. The bed was still warm from their bodies. But the pillows and the mattress felt uncommonly hard to Erica who still sat on the bed and stared at the door. Trying to figure out what just had happened. She had revealed her heart to Callie, had told what she was carrying around for so many days inside of her head, what had been stuck in her throat, scratching from the inside, begging her to get the permission to come out. The words had been gushing out and she had given up all control. She never did this before, that’s why she didn’t know what to expect. Surely she didn’t expect Callie to react like she did. First starring at Erica and then, while mumbling some excuse, hurrying out of the door.
It was this door Erica was staring at for some time now. She couldn’t tell if minutes or hours were passing. Secretly she didn’t want to know at all, because it didn’t matter. All that was important was that she was waiting for Callie to come back inside the room and say something. Anything that would make the fear that was slowly building up inside tumble down. Erica could wait. Eventually Callie would come back. She would.
The clock was the measure of Ericas heartbeat that didn’t allow her to move away.
Walnut Tree - Keane
Underneath the walnut tree,
Where you said you'd wait for me,
And I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
It appeared to Erica that the table had grown. She tried to fill the empty spots on it with spoons and plates but every time she was stuffing one hole another one appeared. Consequently she spent the minutes shifting things around the table. Just trying to give her hands something to do. Preventing herself from counting the minutes. Of course Erica knew that the hospital had kept herself from being on time before. If there wasn’t this gnawing feeling in her chest region that it wasn’t work that kept Callie away.
The doorbell rang. Erica sighed in relief and rushed to the door, just to stop herself right in front of it again and slowly open it. There was Callie standing in all her thrilling beauty and Erica felt her heart melting once again. “I’m so sorry!” Callie mumbled but didn’t look into Ericas eyes. Without saying anything Erica pulled her into the house, pressed her against the closing door and then kissed her with an urge like she was trying to find something inside of Callie. “Whoa, nice way to say hello! Do you do it like that with everyone?” Callie grinned. Erica slowly shook her head and while she was watching her lover walking into the kitchen she knew that she wanted one more night. One more night before the confession she had to make to herself. She didn’t care that deep inside she knew that there were many more ‘one-more-nights’ to follow. “Because I need you…” she whispered before following Callie into the other room and painting a smile onto her own face.
All I want -Susie Suh
Too many times, I have wondered what all trying is for
You come around, I feel so down, I'm gonna drown
Because I know that you've fallen short
But do you know, it doesn't change
The way I feel about you at the end of the day
Because I know that all I want is what you got
All I want is what you got
And too many times, I have wanted to turn around and walk away
Knowing deep inside, you can't provide what I need from you anyway
I tell you that I wanna go, but I wanna stay
I wanna stay, I wanna stay, I wanna stay
But I know I'm gonna lose myself this way
Again Erica found herself starring at a door. But this time she was the one who couldn’t say anything. This time she was the one who should have reacted. What was she supposed to say when Callie only was confessing what Erica had known all along? The problem was that Erica hardly could keep herself from making a confession. Seeing Callie standing in front of her, telling her how she slept with Marc made Erica realize that she couldn’t go on now the way she did. Pretending had been easier when they both did it. Now, Erica couldn’t see the point in it anymore.
Starting over - Salina
You were my heart, you were my soul, you were my breath,
till I grow old,
You were my blood, you were my bones,
How could you ever leave me alone
Maybe I won’t feel the pain when you leave me one day,
Maybe it won’t be too late when you need me someday,
Someone take me away from the one who betrays,
Things won’t ever be the same…
Her thump was striking the call-button on her phone several times now. She still couldn’t bring herself to press it though. What was she supposed to say anyway? Callie suppressed the need to throw her cellphone away and pushed it back into her purse. This small gesture felt like giving up. The silence between them was worse than everything else she had expected. Why couldn’t she tell Erica that she needed her to say that everything would get better, that both their wounds could heal and that there was still a chance for them? Erica’s reaction when Callie told her about her affair with Marc had scared Callie more than anything else. Was there the slightest chance that Erica understood what this meant? ‘How can she, if you won’t talk to her?’ Callie had to be hard on herself on this. In one fast movement, so there would be no chance for hesitation, she pulled out her cellphone again, dialed that number and pushed the call-button.
“We need to talk!”
The pieces don’t fit anymore-James Morrison
Oh don't misunderstand how I feel.
Cause I've tried, yes I've tried.
But still I don't know why, no I don't know why.
For a moment when they shared a look, Erica intensely felt what still was between them. She felt the love that still was inside of her. She wanted to hold on to that love so badly, she couldn’t almost bare it. She wanted to vanish inside Callies arms and in her eyes. She wanted Callie to be the person who found her and more importantly she also wanted to be that person for Callie. At the same time she knew that it wasn’t possible. Therefore she needed to be strong. She needed to be the one to set Callie free. Having to do this made her feel a rage she never encountered before. “Do you really think we can solve this with a talk?” she brought out a lot angrier than it was planned. Callies eyes widened. Her mouth opened but Erica interrupted her. “Don’t…just don’t” she said, turned around and left Callie standing in the place where she herself couldn’t stand anymore.
Lost year - Mute Math
Hold on to the way we started, how it all should have gone
Somewhere love was disregarded and it all came undone
Undone
Cuz nothings a breeze
We suffer; we bleed for two hearts to beat as one
We learn as we go
At least now we know, something we can't become
Become
If a talk could really solve this what are we fighting for?
Words hurt more then they arm us
Don't say anymore
Anymore
“Erica…” once out of her mouth the words died in the cold air. Callie knew that they weren’t enough to reach the person she just lost. But she couldn’t find better ones.
Gap - The Kooks
But don't go, take my love,
I won't let you, I'm saying please don't go.
Don't go, take my love,
I won't let you, I'm saying please don't go.
The days had been vanishing in the big grey stream and there was no end in sight. No word. Not a single word from Erica since she had gone. Of course this was what Callie expected. Because this was Erica. It had been a shame if the great Dr. Hahn wouldn’t be able to make a clean cut.
If only Callie could do the same.
Thinking about you - Puddle of Mud
I've been thinking about you
I've been dreaming about you, every night and everyday
I keep waiting on you
Been praying for you that maybe you'll come back again someday
Should've been a piece of cake
But I guess it had to end this way
Why is everything such a waste?
I wanna keep holding on, holding on to what we got
But everything that we had is already gone
I can still heal you, I can still feel you, I can still hear you calling my name
***
If you ever come back -The Script
Everything's the way that you left it I still haven't slept yet
And if you're covering your face now but you just can't hide the pain
Still setting two plates on the counter but eating without 'cha
If the truth is you're a liar when you say that you're okay
I'm sleepin on your side of the bed, goin' out of my head now
And if you're out there try'na move on but somethin' pulls you back again
I'm sitting here try to persuade you like you’re in the same room
I'll leave the door on the latch
If you ever come back, if you ever come back
There'll be a light in the hall and a key under the mat
If you ever come back
There'll be a smile on my face and the kettle on
And it will be just like you were never gone
Now they say I'm wasting my time 'cause you're never comin home
But they used to say the world was flat but how wrong was that now
And by leavin' my door open I'm risking everythin' I own
There's nothin' I can lose in a break-in that you haven't taken
Download the mix here:
www.sendspace.com/file/57r7fr
Author: music_is_breath
Pairing: Callica
Raiting: I don't get these but PG-13 I'd say
Summary: When words just aren't enough to work it out.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not-for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
A/N: Ok so this was sitting on my chest and wouldn't let me work on my paper. I'll so be dead next week.. ;) Anyway I really wanted to try this. It's a fanmix with a fanfiction to it, or maybe it's a fanficiton with a fanmix to it whatever you'd prefer. This is totally new to me, but like Erica would say, 'there's nothing wrong with new', right? So please let me know what you think about this! And hopefully enjoy it! ♥
Something we can't become
This was surely not what Erica wanted to spent her night with. She couldn’t help herself though. Every detail of that last evening was on replay in her head and for the sake of it she couldn’t, or maybe even didn’t want to, find the button to make it stop. She went through every little gesture and every little word again and again. She knew that somewhere had to be the hidden clue that would present her the answer. “Come on”, she said to herself. “This is not any different than any of the mystery medical cases you were already working on in the past!” But Erica knew that she was lying to herself now. This was way more complicated than everything that could ever lie in front of her on any OR table. For all the time of her working career, she was persuaded that people who got into relationships at work just weren’t disciplined enough. And now she was lying awake, trying to figure out why there was this big part of her that, when Callie was telling her about Addison’s suspicion, really liked the idea of it.
Immune- Melanie C
If you see me and I look away, please don't ask me
There's nothing to say about the way that I feel
It's hard to conceal when it's in my eyes
If I tell you that I'm doin' fine, please believe me
It may be a lie but I've got to move on
I've got to be strong, Now what else can I do?
Cause I've been wanting, waiting, hoping, praying
Oh I feel like I'm suffocating
There's nothing left to lose
If all that I have is the sweetest denial
If all I can give is the rest of my life
Then I'm over pretending, that I can survive without you
Thought I was stronger than love, but I guess that nobody's immune
Erica couldn’t know that Callie also wasn’t a visitor of dream-land that night. Or maybe she was, just not with her eyes being closed.
That was the reason they were both pretty grumpy in the morning. Although Callie thought that she was probably the only person that could notice Erica’s grumpiness, since everyone else thought Erica was just constantly grumpy. ‘But she’s not.’ Callie thought. She has had the chance to see through the shell of the goddess-like heart surgeon and discovered that there were so many other parts inside of Erica. And that she liked these parts very much. But was there more to it than liking? Right now, Callie would have sold her car in order to find an answer to that question. On the other hand she could keep her car, because she knew that she was wondering about the wrong question.
What she really needed to find out was if she could tell Erica about her thoughts. Instead of wrenching her head around already-solved riddles.
You give me something-James Morrison
You want to stay with me in the morning, you only hold me when I sleep
I was meant to tread the water, now I've gotten in too deep
For every piece of me that wants you, another piece backs away
'Cause you give me something, that makes me scared, alright
This could be nothing, but I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart
But it might me a second too late
And the words that I could never say, gonna come out anyway
There’s something soothing about the fact that even the longest days will eventually come to an end. Just not when you’re working in a hospital and sometimes the long days turn immediately into long nights. Callie felt exhausted and it wasn’t work that made her realize every single bone in her body. It was Erica. The irony was that Callie was pretty sure that Erica was also the person who could make the bone-achiness vanish. “This is my job” she defiantly said out loud. Some nurse was rushing by and gave her a confused look. ‘I know’ Callie sighed. She was staring at the elevator-door that was finally opening itself. When she stepped through the door into it, Callie instantly wanted to step out of it again. All of a sudden, she realized what she wanted to do, was she was about to do and what her heart had wanted to do for quite some time now. She was sure that if she‘d see Erica on her way out of the hospital, she would tell her about all her feelings and she was scared about her own certainty. Her hands spontaneously turned wet when the elevator door opened again and she stepped out into the hall. But there was no sign of the woman Callie wanted to open up her heart to. A mixture of relief and disappointment inside of her, she walked towards the door. Just as she finished thinking that she wouldn’t have the courage to talk to Erica tomorrow, the door opened and she saw that special caramel colored coat outside of the hospital. Taking a deep breath, Callie joined Erica in the cold and dark night.
Unthinkable (I’m ready) - Alicia Keys
Moment of honesty
Someone's gotta take the lead tonight
Whose it gonna be?
I'm gonna sit right here and tell you all that comes to me
If you have something to say, you should say it right now
You ready?
You give me a feeling that I never felt before and I deserve it, I think I deserve it
It's becoming something that's impossible to ignore and I can't take it
I was wondering maybe could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
If you ask me I'm ready
They both hadn’t been here before. And they also weren’t sure if they would like it there. There was just this one thing they did know. They didn’t need half the hospital to watch them while they were approaching each other on this whole new level. Consequently they voted against Joe’s.
Erica felt instinctively that Callie was in slight panic. She had been all day. Erica didn’t exactly know why. Of course she also never did this before. But the only thing she could feel was how lucky she was having Callie sitting on this table with her. Even if this Callie only clenched her cocktail glass and barely even looked at Erica. She could have asked why Callie obviously didn’t share the feeling. If she was honest though, she was a bit afraid of the answer. It was frustrating and new to Erica to not know what to do. Shouldn’t have someone told her how to handle the romantic part of the heart? The part, that isn’t just a muscle? How could she consider herself a heart-surgeon if there was this whole side to the heart that was full of insecurities for her? Before she could think any further she interrupted herself. ‘Someone needs to do something here or this is going to be a very silent night.’ she pointed out to herself. When she was looking at Callie’s outfit, she knew what she wanted to do. Erica held up her hand in front of Callie and asked: “Do you want to dance?” The smile occurring around Callies eyes let her know that she wanted the right thing.
The golden floor - Snow Patrol
Tell me that you want to dance
I want to feel your pulse on mine
I'm folded in the bread you made
You're cold until my body bathes you in the heat I kept aside
All these days
I'm not afraid of anything even time
It'll eke away at everything but we'll be fine
“I love you.” Erica let those words out without even realizing what she just did. And the fact that she didn’t notice it was due to the warm feeling that only Callie could give her. It was this warm, silent and golden moment after they had shared their bodies as well as their hearts and it was a moment you normally shouldn’t disturb with words. ‘Except for these words.’ Erica pointed out to herself. “Callie?” she whispered, turning her head around to the other side of the bed. But her lover was already asleep. Turning her head back to stare at the ceiling again, Erica could see her own words now drifting around the two of them in the dark and silent room. For a long time she stared at them, as if those words were some rare butterfly that she needed to examine. ‘When did this happen?’ Erica was wondering. ‘How could Callie dig inside of me and find this woman?’ She really liked this woman though. A smile found its way onto Ericas lips, even if no one was there to see it. She turned around again and wrapped herself around Callie, snuggling her nose into the black hair and smelling the warm, earthy smell of the other woman. She decided that she would catch the words another day.
Piñata Novia - Kane
I'm sure that time's gonna take its toll
And I know that my tattooed heart may make you lose control
But grab a hold of something, preferably my heart
And promise you won't let it go
And swear you'll never part away from me
I don't know why
I'm always tryin' to get inside of you
Pinata Novia
I'm sorry I'm breaking you open
It's just what you want me to do
It's exactly what I'm gonna do
“Damn it” Callie collected her trousers from the floor. “Damn it” she sighed again. Marc was looking at her with his stupid knowing face and his grin that said so much that Callie didn’t want to hear. “What?” Callie snapped at him. “I’m not saying anything.” Marc replied, shrugging his shoulders as if he was the personification of innocence. “Good!” Callie said as she rushed out of the room and down the hallways of the hospital. She didn’t know why she was angry at Marc. She didn’t know what she was doing with him. Actually she didn’t even know who she was anymore. For the last few days she had done things she would never had expected from herself. Why wasn’t Erica here now? She needed to be in her arms right now, hearing her voice. But Erica was saving a life this very moment, something Callie should be doing too. Instead of running around with this feeling inside of her that she was just about to destroy something. Something she really needed to be intact. Something she really wanted to be intact, but didn’t know how to handle. It was a good thing Callie hadn’t spent too much time looking in the mirror this morning. Somehow she had the suspicion she wouldn’t recognize herself anymore if she did.
Poison and Wine - The Civil Wars
I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I still choose you
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will
The clock seemed to be louder than usual. The bed was still warm from their bodies. But the pillows and the mattress felt uncommonly hard to Erica who still sat on the bed and stared at the door. Trying to figure out what just had happened. She had revealed her heart to Callie, had told what she was carrying around for so many days inside of her head, what had been stuck in her throat, scratching from the inside, begging her to get the permission to come out. The words had been gushing out and she had given up all control. She never did this before, that’s why she didn’t know what to expect. Surely she didn’t expect Callie to react like she did. First starring at Erica and then, while mumbling some excuse, hurrying out of the door.
It was this door Erica was staring at for some time now. She couldn’t tell if minutes or hours were passing. Secretly she didn’t want to know at all, because it didn’t matter. All that was important was that she was waiting for Callie to come back inside the room and say something. Anything that would make the fear that was slowly building up inside tumble down. Erica could wait. Eventually Callie would come back. She would.
The clock was the measure of Ericas heartbeat that didn’t allow her to move away.
Walnut Tree - Keane
Underneath the walnut tree,
Where you said you'd wait for me,
And I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
It appeared to Erica that the table had grown. She tried to fill the empty spots on it with spoons and plates but every time she was stuffing one hole another one appeared. Consequently she spent the minutes shifting things around the table. Just trying to give her hands something to do. Preventing herself from counting the minutes. Of course Erica knew that the hospital had kept herself from being on time before. If there wasn’t this gnawing feeling in her chest region that it wasn’t work that kept Callie away.
The doorbell rang. Erica sighed in relief and rushed to the door, just to stop herself right in front of it again and slowly open it. There was Callie standing in all her thrilling beauty and Erica felt her heart melting once again. “I’m so sorry!” Callie mumbled but didn’t look into Ericas eyes. Without saying anything Erica pulled her into the house, pressed her against the closing door and then kissed her with an urge like she was trying to find something inside of Callie. “Whoa, nice way to say hello! Do you do it like that with everyone?” Callie grinned. Erica slowly shook her head and while she was watching her lover walking into the kitchen she knew that she wanted one more night. One more night before the confession she had to make to herself. She didn’t care that deep inside she knew that there were many more ‘one-more-nights’ to follow. “Because I need you…” she whispered before following Callie into the other room and painting a smile onto her own face.
All I want -Susie Suh
Too many times, I have wondered what all trying is for
You come around, I feel so down, I'm gonna drown
Because I know that you've fallen short
But do you know, it doesn't change
The way I feel about you at the end of the day
Because I know that all I want is what you got
All I want is what you got
And too many times, I have wanted to turn around and walk away
Knowing deep inside, you can't provide what I need from you anyway
I tell you that I wanna go, but I wanna stay
I wanna stay, I wanna stay, I wanna stay
But I know I'm gonna lose myself this way
Again Erica found herself starring at a door. But this time she was the one who couldn’t say anything. This time she was the one who should have reacted. What was she supposed to say when Callie only was confessing what Erica had known all along? The problem was that Erica hardly could keep herself from making a confession. Seeing Callie standing in front of her, telling her how she slept with Marc made Erica realize that she couldn’t go on now the way she did. Pretending had been easier when they both did it. Now, Erica couldn’t see the point in it anymore.
Starting over - Salina
You were my heart, you were my soul, you were my breath,
till I grow old,
You were my blood, you were my bones,
How could you ever leave me alone
Maybe I won’t feel the pain when you leave me one day,
Maybe it won’t be too late when you need me someday,
Someone take me away from the one who betrays,
Things won’t ever be the same…
Her thump was striking the call-button on her phone several times now. She still couldn’t bring herself to press it though. What was she supposed to say anyway? Callie suppressed the need to throw her cellphone away and pushed it back into her purse. This small gesture felt like giving up. The silence between them was worse than everything else she had expected. Why couldn’t she tell Erica that she needed her to say that everything would get better, that both their wounds could heal and that there was still a chance for them? Erica’s reaction when Callie told her about her affair with Marc had scared Callie more than anything else. Was there the slightest chance that Erica understood what this meant? ‘How can she, if you won’t talk to her?’ Callie had to be hard on herself on this. In one fast movement, so there would be no chance for hesitation, she pulled out her cellphone again, dialed that number and pushed the call-button.
“We need to talk!”
The pieces don’t fit anymore-James Morrison
Oh don't misunderstand how I feel.
Cause I've tried, yes I've tried.
But still I don't know why, no I don't know why.
For a moment when they shared a look, Erica intensely felt what still was between them. She felt the love that still was inside of her. She wanted to hold on to that love so badly, she couldn’t almost bare it. She wanted to vanish inside Callies arms and in her eyes. She wanted Callie to be the person who found her and more importantly she also wanted to be that person for Callie. At the same time she knew that it wasn’t possible. Therefore she needed to be strong. She needed to be the one to set Callie free. Having to do this made her feel a rage she never encountered before. “Do you really think we can solve this with a talk?” she brought out a lot angrier than it was planned. Callies eyes widened. Her mouth opened but Erica interrupted her. “Don’t…just don’t” she said, turned around and left Callie standing in the place where she herself couldn’t stand anymore.
Lost year - Mute Math
Hold on to the way we started, how it all should have gone
Somewhere love was disregarded and it all came undone
Undone
Cuz nothings a breeze
We suffer; we bleed for two hearts to beat as one
We learn as we go
At least now we know, something we can't become
Become
If a talk could really solve this what are we fighting for?
Words hurt more then they arm us
Don't say anymore
Anymore
“Erica…” once out of her mouth the words died in the cold air. Callie knew that they weren’t enough to reach the person she just lost. But she couldn’t find better ones.
Gap - The Kooks
But don't go, take my love,
I won't let you, I'm saying please don't go.
Don't go, take my love,
I won't let you, I'm saying please don't go.
The days had been vanishing in the big grey stream and there was no end in sight. No word. Not a single word from Erica since she had gone. Of course this was what Callie expected. Because this was Erica. It had been a shame if the great Dr. Hahn wouldn’t be able to make a clean cut.
If only Callie could do the same.
Thinking about you - Puddle of Mud
I've been thinking about you
I've been dreaming about you, every night and everyday
I keep waiting on you
Been praying for you that maybe you'll come back again someday
Should've been a piece of cake
But I guess it had to end this way
Why is everything such a waste?
I wanna keep holding on, holding on to what we got
But everything that we had is already gone
I can still heal you, I can still feel you, I can still hear you calling my name
***
If you ever come back -The Script
Everything's the way that you left it I still haven't slept yet
And if you're covering your face now but you just can't hide the pain
Still setting two plates on the counter but eating without 'cha
If the truth is you're a liar when you say that you're okay
I'm sleepin on your side of the bed, goin' out of my head now
And if you're out there try'na move on but somethin' pulls you back again
I'm sitting here try to persuade you like you’re in the same room
I'll leave the door on the latch
If you ever come back, if you ever come back
There'll be a light in the hall and a key under the mat
If you ever come back
There'll be a smile on my face and the kettle on
And it will be just like you were never gone
Now they say I'm wasting my time 'cause you're never comin home
But they used to say the world was flat but how wrong was that now
And by leavin' my door open I'm risking everythin' I own
There's nothin' I can lose in a break-in that you haven't taken
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