Comments | muses_stewpot: It's past midnight, but I was determined to get this up tonight

kailita in muses_stewpot

It's past midnight, but I was determined to get this up tonight

Jul 06, 2006 01:30

Title: Life on the Wildside
Genre: Modern
Length: About seven pages
Challenge: 20 - “Eat sassafras, it tastes like Fruit Loops.”
Rating: PG-13; language
Notes: You guys, I wrote this in four days and I finished it in time for the deadline. I am so proud. ^.^ This is more for fun characters than for a magnificent plot or anything. I love this lot ( Read more... )

challenge 20, kailita

Comments 6

smeddley July 11 2006, 14:38:46 UTC

Okay, it was a little hard getting into this story because you throw all of the characters at us within the first three paragraphs. I know you want to establish them as soon as possible, but that kind of overwhelms the reader and it was hard to keep them straight. Better to introduce them slowly, as they say or do things that effect scene. You can still say he looked around at the beginning, but just acknowledge that no one really paid much notice, though there were some muffled snickers to some whispered comments. But don’t give us all the names just yet. Ease us into it ( ... )

kailita July 12 2006, 05:20:27 UTC

I think if I was trying to make this a well-polished part of a larger story, I would have put more effort into the pacing and the introduction of the characters. But as it worked out, I was working on the (extremely overdue ohmygosh I'm so behind) challenge for gelsey's birthday, and I realized, Hey, I can use some of these guys for challenge 20, and then it was just a scramble to finish on time. ^.~ Not that I didn't put time and thought into it, but it's definitely not as refined and edited as it could be. I also kind of wanted to get all of the characters into the first paragraph so that as the story goes on you can just glance back at that paragraph if you get confused about who's who - and the way they each respond to Chester is pretty reflective of each of their personalities ( ... )

kailita July 14 2006, 20:59:44 UTC

Oh, and whoops! I forgot about the ages. I mentioned Eddie being 13, Henry being 16, and Jeremy being 17. Matt, Maris, and Jake are also 16, Chester and Tony are 15, and Kevin is 14.

triskellion July 13 2006, 16:35:42 UTC

I hate to say this, but I have tried to read this story three or four times, and never make it past the first two paragraphs. I'm not sure what the problem is, but I simply can't get there. If you ever decide to rework the beginning, I'd love to try again, but I think for now I'm giving up. Maybe it's all those names that just throw me off. I just can't get a feel for what is going on, and my eyes just end up skimming the words without taking anything in. It's weird. Sorry.

kailita July 14 2006, 04:28:05 UTC

It's all right. It's probably, like Smeddley said, the whole "HERE ARE ALL THE CHARACTERS IN ONE BIG PARAGRAPH YAY!" thing that's throwing you off. ^.~ Like I said, this was just for fun, so don't worry about it.

(The comment has been removed)

kailita July 14 2006, 04:38:14 UTC

You watched Digimon?? I was never into it...but that's because I watched Pokemon, and Pokemon and Digimon were kind of rivals. ^.~

Good suggestions - Matt would probably be thinking ahead (he's that type) and Maris would probably be making jokes (she's that type) moreso than they already are if I had spent some more time on this. The thing is, I doubt I'll go back and change this, at least not any time in the near future, because the important stuff is what comes after they get into the girl gangs' territory, and that's what I'm working on writing right now. In fact, the actual "beginning" of the story comes when they're meeting one of the gangster girls, from her point of view - this whole thing was more of a pseudo-prologue done on a whim. ^.~

Ahhhh, your girly is so cute! Is that the angel girl that I liked? How could she possibly be a killer?