Great bit of storytelling. But... but... YOU LEFT ME HANGING!! I was getting SO into it, and it just... ends. What happens? What do they do? TELL ME!!!
The only tiny thing I didn't like was the repeating of the phrase "soldier-princess." It seems to clunky and large. I would suggest making up a word that means that and explaining it once, but then just using that phrase.
But seriously, that was awesome. I didn't have any trouble following it at all. I liked the characters, the story flowed nicely, and you certainly kept my attention. The flashes of humor were great (what's she going to do, heal you to death?) and the only complaint I have is the ending - or lack thereof. :)
Thank you so much. ^.^ I think the lack of ending was because I was SO READY to get this thing posted, heh. But it's definitely not finished yet - I'll be posting up the next section as soon as I'm finished with it. (Which will be months from now, heh.) I know what happens directly after this last scene, but I seriously doubt it would give the story any closure. In fact, it would leave the reader with a lot more unanswered questions. I plan to weave what happened next into the beginning of the next section and then move on from there. It should be...interesting. ^.~
And I hear you about the "soldier-princess." I was going to find a different word to use, in the Balandian language, but I thought since there's already so much foreign language floating around... But you don't think it would be distracting? Because I'm definitely open to that - I just don't want to drown the reader in foreign words.
I don't think a foreign word - especially used as more of a title - would be distracting at all. But, I'm used to reading a lot of fantasy/sci-fi, so I guess I'm very used to it (though I think the type of person drawn to this story would also love sci/fi fantasy, so maybe my opinion is a decent one to take?). I think you did a good job keeping the reader from feeling at all overwhelmed by the languages, and the "translating" part was splendid - enough to get the meaning across, but realistically little enough for someone not fluent.
Fantasy is definitely my genre of choice when it comes to writing. ^.^ I'm really glad the translating came across okay - I was a little worried about that.
Wow. You developed a broad and complicated world without too much trouble. I like it. Also, I had no trouble following the language transitions.
The thing that did give me problems was the locations. In the beginnning, it felt like they were in their own dungeon, thrown there after their land fell. However, in the end, they are paraded through the city to their enemy's palace. so where were they in the beginning and how did they get there?
I am also eager to hear how this continues. It is an interesting world and I would like to see more.
Yeah, I can see how the locations can be a little confusing. Balandy and Paj are actually in close proximity to one another, and the final battle in which Avenyn and Satari were captured took place around the border of both territories. From there, they were taken to a dungeon in Paj for "safekeeping" until they could be paraded to the palace. But yeah, I alluded to the capital of Balandy falling in the beginning, so I can see how that would make you think they were somewhere in their own country. Maybe I can throw in some extra details here and there to make the location of the dungeon a little clearer.
Okay, wailing and gnashing of teeth out of the way. Wait ... forgot to gnash ... *gnash* ... okay, now I'm done.
So interesting. I think everyone else has just about covered anything I have to say. I agree that soldier-princess can be translated into some word in their language.
Um, not much else really, other than I cannot wait until you write the next part. I would wait with bated breath, but I think that would be a bad idea :)
Wow - thanks so much for taking the time to read through all of that and give a critique! It certainly means a lot to me. Avenyn is definitely the softer of the two sisters. They're both a little extreme in some ways, and that's why I was afraid of them turning into caricatures, but I hope to explore those extremes and show how their polar-opposite personalities affect their situations in the palace as the story progresses. It's definitely a shame that Healers can't Heal themselves, but I suppose it balances out in the end...otherwise they'd be all but immortal. ^.~
Critiques on the details are always appreciated. I guess with "attire" I was just looking for a word that would sound better than "shirt." ^.~ Maybe I'll change that to blouse or something. That semi-colon is definitely supposed to be a comma - whoopsy.
And yes yes yes, I rephrased that last line about the kitchens two million times and still wasn't satisfied with it in the end. "If only they would put us in the kitchens" is what I was trying to go for, I think
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Comments 8
Great bit of storytelling. But... but... YOU LEFT ME HANGING!! I was getting SO into it, and it just... ends. What happens? What do they do? TELL ME!!!
The only tiny thing I didn't like was the repeating of the phrase "soldier-princess." It seems to clunky and large. I would suggest making up a word that means that and explaining it once, but then just using that phrase.
But seriously, that was awesome. I didn't have any trouble following it at all. I liked the characters, the story flowed nicely, and you certainly kept my attention. The flashes of humor were great (what's she going to do, heal you to death?) and the only complaint I have is the ending - or lack thereof. :)
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And I hear you about the "soldier-princess." I was going to find a different word to use, in the Balandian language, but I thought since there's already so much foreign language floating around... But you don't think it would be distracting? Because I'm definitely open to that - I just don't want to drown the reader in foreign words.
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I don't think a foreign word - especially used as more of a title - would be distracting at all. But, I'm used to reading a lot of fantasy/sci-fi, so I guess I'm very used to it (though I think the type of person drawn to this story would also love sci/fi fantasy, so maybe my opinion is a decent one to take?). I think you did a good job keeping the reader from feeling at all overwhelmed by the languages, and the "translating" part was splendid - enough to get the meaning across, but realistically little enough for someone not fluent.
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The thing that did give me problems was the locations. In the beginnning, it felt like they were in their own dungeon, thrown there after their land fell. However, in the end, they are paraded through the city to their enemy's palace. so where were they in the beginning and how did they get there?
I am also eager to hear how this continues. It is an interesting world and I would like to see more.
Reply
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Okay, wailing and gnashing of teeth out of the way. Wait ... forgot to gnash ... *gnash* ... okay, now I'm done.
So interesting. I think everyone else has just about covered anything I have to say. I agree that soldier-princess can be translated into some word in their language.
Um, not much else really, other than I cannot wait until you write the next part. I would wait with bated breath, but I think that would be a bad idea :)
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(The comment has been removed)
Critiques on the details are always appreciated. I guess with "attire" I was just looking for a word that would sound better than "shirt." ^.~ Maybe I'll change that to blouse or something. That semi-colon is definitely supposed to be a comma - whoopsy.
And yes yes yes, I rephrased that last line about the kitchens two million times and still wasn't satisfied with it in the end. "If only they would put us in the kitchens" is what I was trying to go for, I think ( ... )
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