Fic: more than who we are [remus/sirius]
Title: more than who we are
Author: museme87
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: R
Wordcount: 979
Warnings: strong language, mention of sexual situations, war time happenings
Summary: It's starting to feel as if all they do is fight now, but that's still not enough for Sirius to give up on what he and Remus have.
Author's Note: Written for the welcome home ficathon for the prompt of, i am coming home to you with my own blood in my mouth & i am coming home to you if it's the last thing that i do. I haven't visited the pups in a while, and I thought this little comment ficathon would be a great chance to do so. Title lifted from "Name" by the Goo Goo Dolls, which sort of fits in well with the tone of the fic.
"I don't give a shit what you want," Sirius growls, shoving a shirt into an overnight bag. "I really don't."
"This is not up for discussion."
Sirius pauses, staring down at the bunched up blankets at the foot of their bed. No more than a few hours ago they were tangled together-sweat and groans and nails against flesh. Now they're here, rehashing old arguments, reopening old and tired wounds.
Fucking-they remember how that works. Sirius doesn't know if they still do it to feel something in this god forsaken world or to punish one another. It feels a little like both; it hurts and it's distant and after it's all said and done Sirius wants to spend days under a scalding hot shower to wash it all away.
Life's not pretty anymore.
Somehow, Sirius never factored that in.
"Nothing ever is with you, Moony," he huffs miserably.
Daring to gaze up into brown eyes, Sirius isn't surprised to find them cold for him. Remus is always cold now. And moody. Christ. His stance is set, his arms crossed over his chest as he looks away from Sirius. Nothing there is inviting, nothing in him. This thing between them? It's dying slowly and painfully with each week this war rages. Their love is a wasteland, and, despite what Remus may think, Sirius can see it.
The difference between them lies in the fact that Sirius is willing to fight for them. He's happily given up so much to be with Remus. What they had once was everything that Sirius thought he would ever need. Of course, it hadn't been simple, but the way Remus' doe eyes would light up for him in an instant made all the shit he suffered to get here so fucking worth it.
He misses that look.
"Why are you doing this to me?"
Sirius shrugs. "Why are you ready to let it go?"
"Shouldn't I be? Maybe the real question is why aren't you, Sirius?"
"Sing me a different tune, love." Sirius smiles sadly. "We both know this one by heart."
"Stop!"
No one knows how to push Remus like him. No one knows how to make it hurt. He didn't always know, but he's a quick learn, as his dear old mum used to say. The past year has taught him how to make Remus squirm in ways that a very sincere Cruciatus never could. While he never wants to ever cause Remus pain, physical or otherwise, sometimes it's the only way Sirius can get a reaction out of him. It's always bad, but that bare spark of something gives Sirius enough strength to keep pursuing this.
"I won't let go, Moony, because I love you. Plain and simple."
"You're mad."
"Most likely," Sirius concedes. "It runs in the blood, after all."
"We're in the middle of a war for Christ's sake! We're losing. People are dying. Our friends, Sirius. One of us is betraying the lot, and yet here you stand talking to me about love and relationships. I'm fighting for my life, and I don't think I can fight for us too. Not with so many sodding uncertainties."
"You think I'm the traitor?"
"I think war changes people."
Sirius nods solemnly. It's not as if he didn't know that Remus felt this way. A person can learn a lot about someone by letting him inside, and Remus' uncertainty has never been more certain to Sirius than when Remus is filling and pounding into him with a sort of truth and brutality that was never there before. With every thrust, Sirius can tell that Remus is drowning in this war.
"I haven't, Moony. And I'm no traitor."
"Even so."
"You're not either."
Remus rolls his eyes. "You can't know that."
"If you were, if it stopped now, I'd forgive you."
As he says it, part of Sirius is sure it's true. If it all ended now, he could put it behind him. If there's one thing that Remus taught him, it's that there are shades of grey. War puts people in corners, and Merlin knows Remus has so much to lose.
"How could you forgive me, Sirius?" Remus asks, incredulous. "Listen to yourself. Marlene is dead because of a rat in the Order. You could forgive someone for that? She was your mentor."
"I could forgive you because I love you."
"Ever the romantic."
"I'm not ashamed of it, you fucking jaded realist," Sirius barks.
"Not everyone can afford rose-colored spectacles, Padfoot. Your privilege allows for it, but in case you've yet to realize, in the eyes of the Ministry, I'm a creature and, therefore, not permitted much luxury."
Sirius stops himself from correcting Remus, having always loathed that word-creature. Instead, he sniffs hard, blinks, and shoves a pair of socks into his bag before he zips it up. Tossing it over his shoulder, he walks towards Remus.
Remus avoids eye contact at all cost, but Sirius grabs his chin anyway and forces him into a kiss. It's cruel, each of them trying to take their anger out on crushed lips and powerful tongues. Sirius bites down on Remus' so hard he tastes blood, which has Remus drawing back and bringing his hand to his mouth.
"Don't send me off angry, Moony."
"Fuck you."
"No time, love. I need to meet Dearborn in five."
Remus smacks him hard across the cheek for that, Sirius relishing the sting with a small smile. It feels good to get a reaction out of Remus after all this time. And it's even better to see genuine worry in brown eyes.
"I'm coming back to you, if it's the last thing I do," Sirius says softly, giving Remus a slight shake. "Even if I'm dying, even at the risk of Splinching myself in two, I'll come home. So just promise me you'll be here waiting."
Endnote: I don't honestly believe that Sirius could have forgiven Remus for being the traitor, for the record; he's much too loyal for that. However, I tend to portray my Sirius as a dreamer and a romantic, and I think that he wanted to believe he could still love Remus despite it. This little ficlet occurs in the early to middle period of the Marauders' time in the First War, before some of the boys have had a chance to be too hardened by it.
Author: museme87
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: R
Wordcount: 979
Warnings: strong language, mention of sexual situations, war time happenings
Summary: It's starting to feel as if all they do is fight now, but that's still not enough for Sirius to give up on what he and Remus have.
Author's Note: Written for the welcome home ficathon for the prompt of, i am coming home to you with my own blood in my mouth & i am coming home to you if it's the last thing that i do. I haven't visited the pups in a while, and I thought this little comment ficathon would be a great chance to do so. Title lifted from "Name" by the Goo Goo Dolls, which sort of fits in well with the tone of the fic.
"I don't give a shit what you want," Sirius growls, shoving a shirt into an overnight bag. "I really don't."
"This is not up for discussion."
Sirius pauses, staring down at the bunched up blankets at the foot of their bed. No more than a few hours ago they were tangled together-sweat and groans and nails against flesh. Now they're here, rehashing old arguments, reopening old and tired wounds.
Fucking-they remember how that works. Sirius doesn't know if they still do it to feel something in this god forsaken world or to punish one another. It feels a little like both; it hurts and it's distant and after it's all said and done Sirius wants to spend days under a scalding hot shower to wash it all away.
Life's not pretty anymore.
Somehow, Sirius never factored that in.
"Nothing ever is with you, Moony," he huffs miserably.
Daring to gaze up into brown eyes, Sirius isn't surprised to find them cold for him. Remus is always cold now. And moody. Christ. His stance is set, his arms crossed over his chest as he looks away from Sirius. Nothing there is inviting, nothing in him. This thing between them? It's dying slowly and painfully with each week this war rages. Their love is a wasteland, and, despite what Remus may think, Sirius can see it.
The difference between them lies in the fact that Sirius is willing to fight for them. He's happily given up so much to be with Remus. What they had once was everything that Sirius thought he would ever need. Of course, it hadn't been simple, but the way Remus' doe eyes would light up for him in an instant made all the shit he suffered to get here so fucking worth it.
He misses that look.
"Why are you doing this to me?"
Sirius shrugs. "Why are you ready to let it go?"
"Shouldn't I be? Maybe the real question is why aren't you, Sirius?"
"Sing me a different tune, love." Sirius smiles sadly. "We both know this one by heart."
"Stop!"
No one knows how to push Remus like him. No one knows how to make it hurt. He didn't always know, but he's a quick learn, as his dear old mum used to say. The past year has taught him how to make Remus squirm in ways that a very sincere Cruciatus never could. While he never wants to ever cause Remus pain, physical or otherwise, sometimes it's the only way Sirius can get a reaction out of him. It's always bad, but that bare spark of something gives Sirius enough strength to keep pursuing this.
"I won't let go, Moony, because I love you. Plain and simple."
"You're mad."
"Most likely," Sirius concedes. "It runs in the blood, after all."
"We're in the middle of a war for Christ's sake! We're losing. People are dying. Our friends, Sirius. One of us is betraying the lot, and yet here you stand talking to me about love and relationships. I'm fighting for my life, and I don't think I can fight for us too. Not with so many sodding uncertainties."
"You think I'm the traitor?"
"I think war changes people."
Sirius nods solemnly. It's not as if he didn't know that Remus felt this way. A person can learn a lot about someone by letting him inside, and Remus' uncertainty has never been more certain to Sirius than when Remus is filling and pounding into him with a sort of truth and brutality that was never there before. With every thrust, Sirius can tell that Remus is drowning in this war.
"I haven't, Moony. And I'm no traitor."
"Even so."
"You're not either."
Remus rolls his eyes. "You can't know that."
"If you were, if it stopped now, I'd forgive you."
As he says it, part of Sirius is sure it's true. If it all ended now, he could put it behind him. If there's one thing that Remus taught him, it's that there are shades of grey. War puts people in corners, and Merlin knows Remus has so much to lose.
"How could you forgive me, Sirius?" Remus asks, incredulous. "Listen to yourself. Marlene is dead because of a rat in the Order. You could forgive someone for that? She was your mentor."
"I could forgive you because I love you."
"Ever the romantic."
"I'm not ashamed of it, you fucking jaded realist," Sirius barks.
"Not everyone can afford rose-colored spectacles, Padfoot. Your privilege allows for it, but in case you've yet to realize, in the eyes of the Ministry, I'm a creature and, therefore, not permitted much luxury."
Sirius stops himself from correcting Remus, having always loathed that word-creature. Instead, he sniffs hard, blinks, and shoves a pair of socks into his bag before he zips it up. Tossing it over his shoulder, he walks towards Remus.
Remus avoids eye contact at all cost, but Sirius grabs his chin anyway and forces him into a kiss. It's cruel, each of them trying to take their anger out on crushed lips and powerful tongues. Sirius bites down on Remus' so hard he tastes blood, which has Remus drawing back and bringing his hand to his mouth.
"Don't send me off angry, Moony."
"Fuck you."
"No time, love. I need to meet Dearborn in five."
Remus smacks him hard across the cheek for that, Sirius relishing the sting with a small smile. It feels good to get a reaction out of Remus after all this time. And it's even better to see genuine worry in brown eyes.
"I'm coming back to you, if it's the last thing I do," Sirius says softly, giving Remus a slight shake. "Even if I'm dying, even at the risk of Splinching myself in two, I'll come home. So just promise me you'll be here waiting."
Endnote: I don't honestly believe that Sirius could have forgiven Remus for being the traitor, for the record; he's much too loyal for that. However, I tend to portray my Sirius as a dreamer and a romantic, and I think that he wanted to believe he could still love Remus despite it. This little ficlet occurs in the early to middle period of the Marauders' time in the First War, before some of the boys have had a chance to be too hardened by it.