Comments | muse: T.J.: My First Mister

muse

T.J.: My First Mister

Feb 12, 2007 16:28

• Introduction to the Love Letters
• Alan: Kindergarten Boyfriend
• Bron: First Taste of Forever
• Nicholas: When Opposites Collide
• Matt: a Matt I Know and Dream
• Peter Michael: the First Feral One
• Scott: Man-Type of Boy
T.J., if Scott was my attempt at salvation, you were my reckoning with self-image and a long, hard look at myself in the ( Read more... )

my first mister, letters to old loves, t.j.

Comments 12

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yay! muse February 13 2007, 01:23:39 UTC

Brooke,

Thanks for the love. I feel like I've lived twenty lifetimes in this one body.

I am sorry I didn't add you before. You were always one of my favourite reads. I'm looking forward to peeking in on you and seeing what you've been up to. I see you're in San Diego/Hollywood now? How'd that happen? What're you doing?

Don't worry. I'll answer my own questions soon enough!

lanthanum February 13 2007, 00:45:41 UTC

i am loving reading all these, and seeing so many faces of you.

:* muse February 13 2007, 16:11:54 UTC

You mean all the bad hair. I never realised just how bad my hair has always been until pulling out all these pictures. I almost never had good hair. It shows that I probably never will.

Love you for the love. Love you just because.

summercamp February 13 2007, 02:14:39 UTC

I love how you change through all of these phases...! would you say that you change to fit the guy you're dating, or that you date a guy who happens to match the phase you're going through at the time. I would say the former... NOT that it's a bad thing, just an observation...

Do you still paint as much as it seems you used to?

not saying this in a defensive way, but . . . muse February 13 2007, 02:58:08 UTC

I hate to say it, but you're wrong. The post about Nicholas talks about how he tried to change me; I left. The post about Scott says how I learned not to change just to be liked. With Matt, Bron, Peter Michael, and Alan, I never changed or even attempted it. Even with T.J., I didn't change, so much as discover another facet of myself. Then, I learned that I didn't need to discard parts of myself in order to become other ones. I learned that I could be smart, responsible, and yet wild.

I paint sometimes, but I go through phases with my different disciplines. For the last few years, it's been more writing-based and also, worn art, like jewelry and textiles.

Re: not saying this in a defensive way, but . . . summercamp February 13 2007, 03:34:39 UTC

"discover another facet of myself"
I'll buy that - that makes sense!

i'd like to see some of your art sometime!

Re: not saying this in a defensive way, but . . . muse February 13 2007, 16:08:08 UTC

The other thing that I'd point out is none of these are phases. They are simply part of my life-process. Everyone changes as they grow. It's inevitable. Changing naturally because you're discovering things about yourself doesn't mean you're playing by someone else's rules. I've very seldom played by anyone's rules, beyond when I've had rules forced on me. Usually, I resist those. Even in the case of T.J., I started acting out because he tried to keep me in certain guidelines.

My art is big. It's everywhere. It's everything. People who come to my house or know me in person see it all the time, as I'm usually wearing it and it's hung everywhere else. My art also makes good gifts.

apologies for the shallow comment... lilylivered February 13 2007, 07:08:54 UTC

I've always loved that picture of you at the desk -- and not because of the boobs, lipstick, or skirt. You just look cute. :)

Re: apologies for the shallow comment... muse February 13 2007, 16:10:14 UTC

Hey, no apologies necessary with us. The comment isn't shallow.

As for the picture, I get a kick out of it because I look so obviously distressed to be caught doing a Cosmo quiz. That's my mouth mid-HEY.

Love your yummy baby pictures. He looks so happy and right with the world.

pattersonphoto February 13 2007, 17:57:02 UTC

This is the first one of these that I have read that I want to hear his version because there is a lesson there about not changing those we love. There is a reason we love them and to change them will make them not love themselves anymore which of course means we won't love them. But avoiding this mistake is easier said than done no?

thoughts. muse February 13 2007, 18:24:45 UTC

Out of all these, I feel like he tried to change me the most; however, in his eyes, it was just improving me. I cannot argue that with him, as I did improve greatly through knowing him. Still, I do that because of having him in my life. At the time, I was really young, headstrong, and full of a lot of absurd ideas about what being grown-up meant. He was almost twenty years older than me, so his ideas of those things were fairly concrete.

And yes, avoiding the mistake is easier said than done. I've tried to change people, too. Recently, I did this with a guy who was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Beer. I focused on the little shining moments with him, rather than the entirety of who/what he could be. Do you think people trying to change people is inevitable or just because people settle?

Re: thoughts. pattersonphoto February 13 2007, 20:08:34 UTC

We (I) try to change people because we love them and we want to improve them, as you said, but sometimes we try to change them and we don't even know we are. Maybe we have to change each other somewhat in order to spend a lifetime together. People do change on thier anyway, maybe its just part of the process.

Or maybe we try to change people just to be selfish, or to feel powerful.