Angelic Big Bang, SPN, "Taking Ten Steps Home" Part 3/10
Title:
Taking Ten Steps Home
Fandom: SPN
Genre: Romance/Angst/Character-centric
Characters/Pairings: Castiel, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Crowley, Bobby Singer, Leviathans; Dean/Castiel
Word Count: 10,279
Rating: R for frottage in the back of the Impala
Spoilers: 7x01, 7x02
Notes: Breaks from canon after the first few minutes of 7x02.
Beta: skylar_matthews
Summary: Castiel swore he'd find a way to redeem himself to Dean. This is how the story goes.
Three:
It takes three days for the moment to break open, for Castiel and Dean to be alone together and for Castiel to be willing to broach the topic.
He has watched Dean these past three days, and Sam is right. Dean is acting as if nothing has changed, that this is another hunt, another impossible fight against beings bent on killing off all of humanity. He eats, drinks, drives the Impala - he acts like Dean Winchester, but for one thing.
He has not spoken two words to Castiel.
It takes maybe a day and a half for Castiel to tire of this and decide that, if the topic of his betrayal must be broached, it will have to be by him.
That is how they get to this point, in Bobby’s study, researching the little mythology there is on Leviathans. Sam is elsewhere, and Bobby is out to get more groceries. Castiel looks over at Dean, who is on the other side of the room, his eyes steadfastly on the book in front of him.
The book Castiel is reading is proving to be both dull and useless, and the moment, perhaps, is as right as it has ever been for this.
“Dean,” he says, quietly.
Dean looks up at him. “You find somethin’?”
“No.” Castiel puts the book aside. “We need to talk. About what I’ve done.”
Dean’s face goes cold. “There’s nothin’ to talk about, Cas. It’s done with. We’ve got Leviathans tearing up humanity out there, and that’s a little more important right now.”
Castiel doesn’t let it go at that. “There’s little to nothing of use in these books. The Leviathans were locked away from before God made angels - and none of them have ever been killed,” he states, quietly. “What little there is mischaracterizes them as demons.”
Dean turns back to his book in silence.
Again, Castiel doesn’t let it go. “By the way, that was the longest sentence you’ve spoken to me since I’ve woken up.”
“Damnit, Cas, stop it.” Dean turns to him, putting his book down. He looks angry, but at least he’s looking, and can’t pretend he doesn’t hear what Castiel is saying. “It’s over. What’s done is done. We have to deal with this, not…whatever.”
“I made you lose everything, Dean. It’s my fault that all of humanity is in danger again, after all you and Sam have done to save them. That can’t just be water under the bridge, not when it’s you.”
Dean winces, just a little, but doesn’t bend. “Why not?”
“Because I know you. And I know you haven’t forgiven me.” It hurts to say it, but it is true. He doesn’t dare to stand or move toward Dean, because that could ruin everything even further. “And there are the other things I’ve done, Dean. Things I can never expect you to forgive me for.”
Dean looks away in silence. He is silhouetted by the window, and Castiel can’t stop looking at him. His expression is stony, but Castiel can see the pain in the corner of his eye and the edge of his jaw - Castiel is opening recent wounds. Harming Dean is the last thing Castiel wants to do, but he won’t let those metaphorical wounds fester until something terrible comes from it - it’s happened before, after all.
“What do you want me to say?” Dean finally mutters.
That throws Castiel off. He has been expecting something else, some Winchester tongue-lashing about family and betrayal and sheer, unadulterated stupidity. Not this soft, almost plaintive question.
He doesn’t know how to answer. He longs for forgiveness, but knows he doesn’t deserve it, that it would be a lie if Dean said he did forgive him. He does not want Dean to lie to him. There are too many lies in their shared past, in the past year alone, and Castiel won’t have another one.
Finally, he swallows, because he can only say, “The truth.”
That seems to take Dean aback. His head lolls against the window, the shadows playing over him gently, and there is another long moment of utter quiet.
Castiel waits. He knows he will keep waiting, for as long as he must.
The moment stretches onward, just them in Bobby’s study, the only audible sound being that of their breathing. Dean is still staring a hole in the side of the bookshelf he is facing, and Castiel is watching him and waiting for the inevitable.
And then, it breaks open. “Cas,” Dean says, voice rough as if he hasn’t used it in a long time. “I…I’m trying. I really am.”
Castiel swallows. It’s better than he’d dared to hope.
“But,” Dean continues, sounding as miserable as he’s ever been, “I never thought that it’d be you, y’know? What you did…to Sammy, to humanity - how’m I supposed to forgive you for that?”
Castiel honestly doesn’t know. “You don’t have to,” he manages, softly, hesitantly.
“But I want to. Damn it, Cas, I want to.”
Castiel squeezes his eyes shut, because once again, he’s on the verge of tears. He knows that he can’t show that to Dean. He can’t play that card with Dean - it would be too easy.
“I promised you I’d find a way to redeem myself to you, Dean,” he whispers. He opens his eyes to find them tearless, and Dean finally looking at him - though with far more sorrow than he should ever have to bear. “I still intend to do that. I swear I’ll find a way. I don’t know how, but I will.”
Dean bites his lip and nods. “Okay.”
It’s a childish thing, that expression and that word, but Castiel can’t help but understand what it means - that it means more than any forgiveness ever can.
He lets out a soft breath. “If there’s anything I can do, Dean, anything - just tell me.” He’s on the verge of breaking down. “I’m going to need help.”
Dean nods again. “Just, don’t get yourself killed again.”
Castiel looks at him, memorizing every line of his face. “I’ll try.”
And he will.