All of the Boys and All of the Girls (Can't You See What I See?) 3/12
Title: All of the Boys and All of the Girls (Can’t You See What I See?)
Summary: When the war ended, Dean discovered love. She may have made some questionable choices after that. Mainly, the whole “she” thing. Dean/Cas.
Rating: R for language
Chapters: 11 (plus epilogue)
A/N: I honestly don’t know where this came from. But it was persistent. It wouldn’t stop nagging until I finally finished it. It’s cracked-out, though. Long-ass title from “If U Seek Amy” by Britney Spears (yeah, I know. Just don’t ask, ok?).
Warnings: Genderswap, language, and flashbacks in italics (some people don’t like those).
Disclaimer: I don’t own the song that the title is derived from, nor do I own the characters created by one Mr. Eric Kripke.
Chapter 1 Chapter 2
Sam couldn’t believe what he was seeing. His brother, about a foot shorter and a tad bit more feminine, wrapped in the arms of a motherfucking angel. It was like some twisted Sarah McLachlan song.
Dean blinked at him, worrying his lower lip. “You all right there, Sammy?”
“I don’t believe it,” he muttered, his eyes flicking between the two of them. “I don’t… how?”
Dean looked up at the angel - up! - before turning back to Sam. “Kind of a long story.”
Sam closed the door and leaned up against it, trying to look casual even as his knees threatened to give out. Because it just wasn’t possible. Not Dean. Not wrapped in the arms of the thing that had pulled him out of Hell. Not like this.
“I, uh, I don’t have anywhere to be,” he said, hoping that the shock of finding his brother, especially like this, wasn’t showing on his face.
Dean nodded. “All right.” He turned back to Castiel and flashed a weak smile. “Babe?”
Sam felt his eyes go wide. He wasn’t sure what he’d thought was going on after walking in on the scene that he’d found, but it hadn’t had anything to do with the word babe. Because that implied… and that meant… and he so totally wasn’t going to go there.
“You wanna go get us something to eat?” Dean finished. “I saw a diner down the road when we pulled into town. Should have some good stuff in it.”
“Burger and fries?” the angel asked, as if Dean asking him to run out and fetch dinner was completely normal.
“Works for me. Just get Sammy a salad or something.”
Cas nodded and slowly pulled his arms from Sam’s brother. “You’re sure?”
Dean rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I’m sure.” He leaned up unto his tiptoes and planted a soft kiss on the angel’s lips. “Hurry back, all right?”
Castiel pulled away and smiled - something Sam could never remember seeing him do before. “I always do.” He stalked to the door, throwing Sam a murderous glare as the hunter stepped to the side to let him pass. “What do you want to drink?” he asked, turning to look back at Dean with his hand on the doorknob.
“Sierra Mist.” Dean muttered, crossing his hands over his chest. “And pie. Gimme some pie.”
With another smile, Cas left the room.
Sam turned to gape at his brother. “Sierra Mist? Thought you’d be breakin’ out the whiskey for this one, way you ran outta the bar.”
He shrugged. “I’m uh, I’m not really drinking at the moment.”
“Not sure if you can handle it anymore?”
Another shrug. “Just don’t want to.” He moved to the bed and sat down beside two duffle bags. “You caught us in the middle of packing, Sammy.”
That was the fourth time he’d been called ‘Sammy’ since walking through the door. Something was up. He sat on the bed next to his brother. “One bed?”
Dean raised an eyebrow. “Got a problem with that?”
Sam sighed and shook his head. “You and the angel? Really?”
“Crazy, huh?”
“Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover it. What happened to you?”
Dean averted his eyes, choosing to stare at the peeling wallpaper instead of his own brother. “You left. You scribbled out a two word note and just disappeared. What was I supposed to do?”
“Move on, Dean.”
“I didn’t even know why you did it.”
“I did it because it was all my fault.” Beside him, Dean scoffed. “I’m serious, man.” A choke of laughter. “If it wasn’t for me, they wouldn’t have gotten so close. If I hadn’t played right into Ruby’s hand… if she had killed me, that would have been the end. Apocalypse now. Everything Azazel left to me would have been hers, and it almost happened because I trusted her.”
“But you killed her,” Dean pointed out. “You killed her and I did my thing and it’s over. It wasn’t your fault. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine. Wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t broken down there.”
“They used me.”
“Me, too. Join the club.”
Sam scrubbed a hand over his face and sighed again. “I’m sorry.”
“No biggie.”
“Dean, you’re a chick.”
His brother shrugged. “Coulda been worse.”
“How could it possibly be worse than this?”
“Coulda been alone.”
“Is that why he’s here?” Sam asked. “Because you didn’t want to be alone? What did you do to make him stay?”
“Nothing, Sam. I told you, it’s complicated.”
“Well, uncomplicate it.”
“You left,” Dean repeated. “The war was over, and everyone was gone, and I finally got to think, I guess. About everything. And when I really thought about it, without the war and the demons and all that other crap to distract me, I… I dunno. I guess I just figured out that things were different.”
“Different how?”
Dean finally turned back to look at him. “I kinda figured out I was in love.”
“With who?”
The older man shot him a look that clearly meant he was as stupid as he looked. “The angel.”
Sam blinked. “The angel? Castiel? The guy angel?”
“No, the curvy one. Yes, Sam. Had you not figured that out?”
This time, Sam was the one to avert his eyes. “I just… that doesn’t seem like you.”
“Lot changed.” He glanced down at himself and chuckled, the sound coming out as more of giggle in his higher register. “I changed.”
“Obviously. So what was it? Curse? Spell? You touch something you really shouldn’t have?”
“It was Cas, actually.”
“The angel?”
“Yes, Sam. We’ve established that. See, I told him. I told him what was going on, and he told me… said he loved me, too, or some shit like that. Then he said he couldn’t stay unless he Fell, and I wasn’t gonna let him do that. Not for me.”
“So he did this? What is he, nuts? Dean-”
“It was my choice. He couldn’t go against the Bible or something, so I had to. I wanted to.”
“So, what?” Sam asked. “You just jumped right into this without thinking? What if you hadn’t really loved him, Dean? What if…” He trailed off. What if it really was all his fault? What if Dean had made a mistake and it was all because little brother wasn’t there to talk him out of it? What if the whole mess was his own doing?
“I thought about it,” Dean said. “I thought about it a lot…”
-.-
It was late, and Dean couldn’t get to sleep. Even with the crappy AC going full-blast, it was too quiet. Too empty. He was so used to Sammy snoring, or the soft rustling of wings announcing the presence of someone who would sit and just breathe. A sense of presence. That was what he was missing.
He couldn’t sleep, so he thought. About the day, about the world. About genitalia. You know, the important things in life.
He thought about warmth, something he hadn’t really felt since long before Hell. And he thought about Hell, about claws and daggers and torture and blood. About the demons with the tattered remnants of what had once been beautiful wings. The way their eyes had glowed in the firelight as Alistair let them play with him. The way they had shrunk back from the blinding light that had filled his little corner of Hell, the last thing he remembered from his time down below.
He didn’t want Cas to be like them. The angel didn’t deserve it. He’d fought in the war, had helped to win it, had given Dean faith when everything had fallen apart.
No, Dean wouldn’t do that.
But he couldn’t do the other thing, either. The thing that was possible through the Lord. The thing that would involve giving up everything he’d worked so hard to build, an image of muscle and strength and solidarity. The thing that would make him small and weak and vulnerable.
But he’d still have an angel, perched on his shoulder and ready to save him. Ready to love him. To let him hope and dream and never be afraid of the dark night or the lonely abyss again. To stay because he wanted to, and not just because Dean was willing to give up a part of himself.
Love. Dark eyes and deep voice and repetitions of not your fault, I have faith in you, don’t give up. Things no one had ever said to him before. Things that Sam and Dad thought were understood, but weren’t. Couldn’t be, the way they kept running.
He sighed. Was it really worth it? The weakness and the change and everything. Did he really need to have someone with him 24/7? Was he really that pathetic?
The answer, obviously, was yes. Always had been. He was only happy if he had someone to please, someone who would smile and tell him he’d done a good job. He’d figured that out as soon as they’d stopped, and that had just made him quest for it more. To give up everything that made him, him for Sam. To train harder to be better for dad. To fight a freakin’ holy war for a guy that claimed to be an angel.
Just because he thought they might like him if he did. Just because, in those few moments of success, he was perfect in their eyes.
The moments always passed, though, and the happiness faded and he was left cold and alone.
Until today. Until an angel appeared before him and declared love, even though he’d long-ago congratulated Dean for their win. There hadn’t been a reason to love him, not that Dean could find, anyway. Yet, there he’d been. Dressed like he’d just come from a meeting of the Angel Mafia and promising happiness if Dean would just give up one more thing.
That one more thing was his dick, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that.
He was sure about Cas, though. Sure that wary trust had evolved into friendship had evolved into love. Love was going to have to revert back to trust for the moment, though, because there was no guarantee the guy was telling the truth, no guarantee it wasn’t a trick, that he wouldn‘t work his mojo and then leave Dean high and dry and not a guy.
Still, the idea of a sort of happily ever after appealed, and Dean couldn’t argue with the warmth that curled through his body as he finally made up his mind. Someone who would be there forever, who couldn’t die. Someone who had never lied to him, at least not directly. Someone he loved, who claimed to love him in return.
Yeah, he could live with that. Maybe it was even that reward he’d been thinking about, just wrapped up in a different package. Still a home, just one that was alive, was breathing, could love him. A warm, safe place, strong and steady.
He sighed, breath disappearing into the darkness. Boobs weren’t so bad. He enjoyed them. With luck, Cas would, too.
-.-
Dean woke up without realizing he’d even been asleep. He smiled when he saw the angel sitting at the table.
“Cas.”
The angel smiled at him - really smiled - for what he thought had to be the first time. And it made him happy. Made his heart beat a little faster. Because he’d made the angel happy. He’d done something - whatever it my have been - that made someone else happy.
“You came back.” Because he honestly hadn’t expected to see Castiel again. Ever. Like mom, like dad, like Sam. Cassie and Anna and Lisa and Ellen and Jo and everyone else he’d every cared for. Gone with the wind.
“If you need more time-”
Dean grinned. He didn’t need more time. He was tired of waiting for things to just come to him. They never did. He was going to reach out and actively take this time. “I’m ready.”
Cas nodded, a slow, jerky movement, as if he suddenly wasn’t so sure of himself. “What did you decide?”
Dean felt himself smiling again. “I’ll do it.”
Castiel blinked. “What?”
The hunter nodded. “I’ll do it. I wanna do it. If… if you’ll stay, I’ll do it. But you can’t leave.” He cast his eyes down toward his lap, the fingers that pulled at each other, warring. He had to make sure, had to know that it was real and not just another dirty trick in a long life of dirty tricks. He had to know that someone loved him enough to stay after he sacrificed something big. “You can’t leave me like that.”
Blue eyes flooded with emotion he’d once been told they couldn’t possibly possess. Like Cas knew. Like he knew and he cared and he understood. Like he really meant what he said when he said it. Like he was shocked Dean would even think that there were strings attached.
“You think you don’t deserve it?”
The words were so familiar, and Dean hadn’t been able to answer the first time, but now he would. Now he could. Because the angel knew. Knew everything.
“I don’t,” he said. “Deserve it, I mean. I know that, and I’m just waiting for you to figure it out, too.”
Cas sighed and moved to sit beside Dean on the bed. He reached out and took the hunter’s hand in his own. It seemed odd, coming from him. A soft touch, hesitant, as if he wasn’t sure exactly what he was doing.
Dean tightened his fingers around the angel’s hand, thumb rubbing circles over warm skin, showing him how it was done.
Castiel smiled. “After more than a year of watching you, you think I wouldn’t have figured out if I liked you?”
“But do you want to do this?” Because he had to ask. Those damn voices in his head, the ones that hated him, spoke in his father’s voice, his brother tone, just wouldn’t shut up until he was sure. “Or is someone making you? Because, I swear, if this is some kinda messed-up reward…”
The angel’s smile widened. “You were expecting a reward?”
“No. I mean… maybe. But-”
“What did you want?”
Dean stared at him. That was unexpected. “House.”
Cas tilted his head, narrowing his eyes. “Hugh Laurie?”
He couldn’t help but laugh at that. It just seemed so out of character. Maybe he was actually rubbing off on the guy. “Dude,” he chuckled. “Did you just make a joke?”
The angel shrugged. “You said-”
“A house, Cas.”
He squeezed Dean’s hand a little tighter. “A house.” He sighed. “That sounds nice.”
“You mean it? You’re not just saying it to get in my pants?”
“I mean it.” He stared at the hunter and licked his lips. Something flashed across his eyes, want and restraint fighting an epic battle inside a small, borrowed body. “Are you sure?”
And that was the million-dollar question, wasn’t it? “Sure as I’ll ever be. But-”
“I won’t leave.”
He nodded, that same old warmth rising up in his chest again. “Let’s do this thing.”
Slowly, Castiel stood, untangling their fingers. “Lay back on the bed.”
“Is this gonna hurt?”
“It shouldn’t.
“And… I’ll still be me?”
He smiled. “Yes, Dean. You’ll still be you.”
“Oh.” He couldn’t help the disappointment that crept into his voice, the slight hint of fear. He’d known it had been a long-shot, but he’d almost hoped that he could start over, just do everything again. Live his life as a chick and change the things that needed changing, meet up with Cas in time, and just go from there. He’d wanted to be different. Like in the office. Someone people liked. Someone who got what he wanted, got praised and rewarded. Someone who had friends.
“Close your eyes.” Dean did as he was told, snapping himself out of his thoughts. Cas would still be there. Cas wouldn’t leave him. Cas loved him because… well, just because, he supposed. “Relax.” He forced the tension from his body, breathing deeply. Castiel brushed a hand over his forehead. “Sleep.”
Dean’s world went dark.
Chapter 4
Summary: When the war ended, Dean discovered love. She may have made some questionable choices after that. Mainly, the whole “she” thing. Dean/Cas.
Rating: R for language
Chapters: 11 (plus epilogue)
A/N: I honestly don’t know where this came from. But it was persistent. It wouldn’t stop nagging until I finally finished it. It’s cracked-out, though. Long-ass title from “If U Seek Amy” by Britney Spears (yeah, I know. Just don’t ask, ok?).
Warnings: Genderswap, language, and flashbacks in italics (some people don’t like those).
Disclaimer: I don’t own the song that the title is derived from, nor do I own the characters created by one Mr. Eric Kripke.
Chapter 1 Chapter 2
Sam couldn’t believe what he was seeing. His brother, about a foot shorter and a tad bit more feminine, wrapped in the arms of a motherfucking angel. It was like some twisted Sarah McLachlan song.
Dean blinked at him, worrying his lower lip. “You all right there, Sammy?”
“I don’t believe it,” he muttered, his eyes flicking between the two of them. “I don’t… how?”
Dean looked up at the angel - up! - before turning back to Sam. “Kind of a long story.”
Sam closed the door and leaned up against it, trying to look casual even as his knees threatened to give out. Because it just wasn’t possible. Not Dean. Not wrapped in the arms of the thing that had pulled him out of Hell. Not like this.
“I, uh, I don’t have anywhere to be,” he said, hoping that the shock of finding his brother, especially like this, wasn’t showing on his face.
Dean nodded. “All right.” He turned back to Castiel and flashed a weak smile. “Babe?”
Sam felt his eyes go wide. He wasn’t sure what he’d thought was going on after walking in on the scene that he’d found, but it hadn’t had anything to do with the word babe. Because that implied… and that meant… and he so totally wasn’t going to go there.
“You wanna go get us something to eat?” Dean finished. “I saw a diner down the road when we pulled into town. Should have some good stuff in it.”
“Burger and fries?” the angel asked, as if Dean asking him to run out and fetch dinner was completely normal.
“Works for me. Just get Sammy a salad or something.”
Cas nodded and slowly pulled his arms from Sam’s brother. “You’re sure?”
Dean rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I’m sure.” He leaned up unto his tiptoes and planted a soft kiss on the angel’s lips. “Hurry back, all right?”
Castiel pulled away and smiled - something Sam could never remember seeing him do before. “I always do.” He stalked to the door, throwing Sam a murderous glare as the hunter stepped to the side to let him pass. “What do you want to drink?” he asked, turning to look back at Dean with his hand on the doorknob.
“Sierra Mist.” Dean muttered, crossing his hands over his chest. “And pie. Gimme some pie.”
With another smile, Cas left the room.
Sam turned to gape at his brother. “Sierra Mist? Thought you’d be breakin’ out the whiskey for this one, way you ran outta the bar.”
He shrugged. “I’m uh, I’m not really drinking at the moment.”
“Not sure if you can handle it anymore?”
Another shrug. “Just don’t want to.” He moved to the bed and sat down beside two duffle bags. “You caught us in the middle of packing, Sammy.”
That was the fourth time he’d been called ‘Sammy’ since walking through the door. Something was up. He sat on the bed next to his brother. “One bed?”
Dean raised an eyebrow. “Got a problem with that?”
Sam sighed and shook his head. “You and the angel? Really?”
“Crazy, huh?”
“Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover it. What happened to you?”
Dean averted his eyes, choosing to stare at the peeling wallpaper instead of his own brother. “You left. You scribbled out a two word note and just disappeared. What was I supposed to do?”
“Move on, Dean.”
“I didn’t even know why you did it.”
“I did it because it was all my fault.” Beside him, Dean scoffed. “I’m serious, man.” A choke of laughter. “If it wasn’t for me, they wouldn’t have gotten so close. If I hadn’t played right into Ruby’s hand… if she had killed me, that would have been the end. Apocalypse now. Everything Azazel left to me would have been hers, and it almost happened because I trusted her.”
“But you killed her,” Dean pointed out. “You killed her and I did my thing and it’s over. It wasn’t your fault. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine. Wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t broken down there.”
“They used me.”
“Me, too. Join the club.”
Sam scrubbed a hand over his face and sighed again. “I’m sorry.”
“No biggie.”
“Dean, you’re a chick.”
His brother shrugged. “Coulda been worse.”
“How could it possibly be worse than this?”
“Coulda been alone.”
“Is that why he’s here?” Sam asked. “Because you didn’t want to be alone? What did you do to make him stay?”
“Nothing, Sam. I told you, it’s complicated.”
“Well, uncomplicate it.”
“You left,” Dean repeated. “The war was over, and everyone was gone, and I finally got to think, I guess. About everything. And when I really thought about it, without the war and the demons and all that other crap to distract me, I… I dunno. I guess I just figured out that things were different.”
“Different how?”
Dean finally turned back to look at him. “I kinda figured out I was in love.”
“With who?”
The older man shot him a look that clearly meant he was as stupid as he looked. “The angel.”
Sam blinked. “The angel? Castiel? The guy angel?”
“No, the curvy one. Yes, Sam. Had you not figured that out?”
This time, Sam was the one to avert his eyes. “I just… that doesn’t seem like you.”
“Lot changed.” He glanced down at himself and chuckled, the sound coming out as more of giggle in his higher register. “I changed.”
“Obviously. So what was it? Curse? Spell? You touch something you really shouldn’t have?”
“It was Cas, actually.”
“The angel?”
“Yes, Sam. We’ve established that. See, I told him. I told him what was going on, and he told me… said he loved me, too, or some shit like that. Then he said he couldn’t stay unless he Fell, and I wasn’t gonna let him do that. Not for me.”
“So he did this? What is he, nuts? Dean-”
“It was my choice. He couldn’t go against the Bible or something, so I had to. I wanted to.”
“So, what?” Sam asked. “You just jumped right into this without thinking? What if you hadn’t really loved him, Dean? What if…” He trailed off. What if it really was all his fault? What if Dean had made a mistake and it was all because little brother wasn’t there to talk him out of it? What if the whole mess was his own doing?
“I thought about it,” Dean said. “I thought about it a lot…”
-.-
It was late, and Dean couldn’t get to sleep. Even with the crappy AC going full-blast, it was too quiet. Too empty. He was so used to Sammy snoring, or the soft rustling of wings announcing the presence of someone who would sit and just breathe. A sense of presence. That was what he was missing.
He couldn’t sleep, so he thought. About the day, about the world. About genitalia. You know, the important things in life.
He thought about warmth, something he hadn’t really felt since long before Hell. And he thought about Hell, about claws and daggers and torture and blood. About the demons with the tattered remnants of what had once been beautiful wings. The way their eyes had glowed in the firelight as Alistair let them play with him. The way they had shrunk back from the blinding light that had filled his little corner of Hell, the last thing he remembered from his time down below.
He didn’t want Cas to be like them. The angel didn’t deserve it. He’d fought in the war, had helped to win it, had given Dean faith when everything had fallen apart.
No, Dean wouldn’t do that.
But he couldn’t do the other thing, either. The thing that was possible through the Lord. The thing that would involve giving up everything he’d worked so hard to build, an image of muscle and strength and solidarity. The thing that would make him small and weak and vulnerable.
But he’d still have an angel, perched on his shoulder and ready to save him. Ready to love him. To let him hope and dream and never be afraid of the dark night or the lonely abyss again. To stay because he wanted to, and not just because Dean was willing to give up a part of himself.
Love. Dark eyes and deep voice and repetitions of not your fault, I have faith in you, don’t give up. Things no one had ever said to him before. Things that Sam and Dad thought were understood, but weren’t. Couldn’t be, the way they kept running.
He sighed. Was it really worth it? The weakness and the change and everything. Did he really need to have someone with him 24/7? Was he really that pathetic?
The answer, obviously, was yes. Always had been. He was only happy if he had someone to please, someone who would smile and tell him he’d done a good job. He’d figured that out as soon as they’d stopped, and that had just made him quest for it more. To give up everything that made him, him for Sam. To train harder to be better for dad. To fight a freakin’ holy war for a guy that claimed to be an angel.
Just because he thought they might like him if he did. Just because, in those few moments of success, he was perfect in their eyes.
The moments always passed, though, and the happiness faded and he was left cold and alone.
Until today. Until an angel appeared before him and declared love, even though he’d long-ago congratulated Dean for their win. There hadn’t been a reason to love him, not that Dean could find, anyway. Yet, there he’d been. Dressed like he’d just come from a meeting of the Angel Mafia and promising happiness if Dean would just give up one more thing.
That one more thing was his dick, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that.
He was sure about Cas, though. Sure that wary trust had evolved into friendship had evolved into love. Love was going to have to revert back to trust for the moment, though, because there was no guarantee the guy was telling the truth, no guarantee it wasn’t a trick, that he wouldn‘t work his mojo and then leave Dean high and dry and not a guy.
Still, the idea of a sort of happily ever after appealed, and Dean couldn’t argue with the warmth that curled through his body as he finally made up his mind. Someone who would be there forever, who couldn’t die. Someone who had never lied to him, at least not directly. Someone he loved, who claimed to love him in return.
Yeah, he could live with that. Maybe it was even that reward he’d been thinking about, just wrapped up in a different package. Still a home, just one that was alive, was breathing, could love him. A warm, safe place, strong and steady.
He sighed, breath disappearing into the darkness. Boobs weren’t so bad. He enjoyed them. With luck, Cas would, too.
-.-
Dean woke up without realizing he’d even been asleep. He smiled when he saw the angel sitting at the table.
“Cas.”
The angel smiled at him - really smiled - for what he thought had to be the first time. And it made him happy. Made his heart beat a little faster. Because he’d made the angel happy. He’d done something - whatever it my have been - that made someone else happy.
“You came back.” Because he honestly hadn’t expected to see Castiel again. Ever. Like mom, like dad, like Sam. Cassie and Anna and Lisa and Ellen and Jo and everyone else he’d every cared for. Gone with the wind.
“If you need more time-”
Dean grinned. He didn’t need more time. He was tired of waiting for things to just come to him. They never did. He was going to reach out and actively take this time. “I’m ready.”
Cas nodded, a slow, jerky movement, as if he suddenly wasn’t so sure of himself. “What did you decide?”
Dean felt himself smiling again. “I’ll do it.”
Castiel blinked. “What?”
The hunter nodded. “I’ll do it. I wanna do it. If… if you’ll stay, I’ll do it. But you can’t leave.” He cast his eyes down toward his lap, the fingers that pulled at each other, warring. He had to make sure, had to know that it was real and not just another dirty trick in a long life of dirty tricks. He had to know that someone loved him enough to stay after he sacrificed something big. “You can’t leave me like that.”
Blue eyes flooded with emotion he’d once been told they couldn’t possibly possess. Like Cas knew. Like he knew and he cared and he understood. Like he really meant what he said when he said it. Like he was shocked Dean would even think that there were strings attached.
“You think you don’t deserve it?”
The words were so familiar, and Dean hadn’t been able to answer the first time, but now he would. Now he could. Because the angel knew. Knew everything.
“I don’t,” he said. “Deserve it, I mean. I know that, and I’m just waiting for you to figure it out, too.”
Cas sighed and moved to sit beside Dean on the bed. He reached out and took the hunter’s hand in his own. It seemed odd, coming from him. A soft touch, hesitant, as if he wasn’t sure exactly what he was doing.
Dean tightened his fingers around the angel’s hand, thumb rubbing circles over warm skin, showing him how it was done.
Castiel smiled. “After more than a year of watching you, you think I wouldn’t have figured out if I liked you?”
“But do you want to do this?” Because he had to ask. Those damn voices in his head, the ones that hated him, spoke in his father’s voice, his brother tone, just wouldn’t shut up until he was sure. “Or is someone making you? Because, I swear, if this is some kinda messed-up reward…”
The angel’s smile widened. “You were expecting a reward?”
“No. I mean… maybe. But-”
“What did you want?”
Dean stared at him. That was unexpected. “House.”
Cas tilted his head, narrowing his eyes. “Hugh Laurie?”
He couldn’t help but laugh at that. It just seemed so out of character. Maybe he was actually rubbing off on the guy. “Dude,” he chuckled. “Did you just make a joke?”
The angel shrugged. “You said-”
“A house, Cas.”
He squeezed Dean’s hand a little tighter. “A house.” He sighed. “That sounds nice.”
“You mean it? You’re not just saying it to get in my pants?”
“I mean it.” He stared at the hunter and licked his lips. Something flashed across his eyes, want and restraint fighting an epic battle inside a small, borrowed body. “Are you sure?”
And that was the million-dollar question, wasn’t it? “Sure as I’ll ever be. But-”
“I won’t leave.”
He nodded, that same old warmth rising up in his chest again. “Let’s do this thing.”
Slowly, Castiel stood, untangling their fingers. “Lay back on the bed.”
“Is this gonna hurt?”
“It shouldn’t.
“And… I’ll still be me?”
He smiled. “Yes, Dean. You’ll still be you.”
“Oh.” He couldn’t help the disappointment that crept into his voice, the slight hint of fear. He’d known it had been a long-shot, but he’d almost hoped that he could start over, just do everything again. Live his life as a chick and change the things that needed changing, meet up with Cas in time, and just go from there. He’d wanted to be different. Like in the office. Someone people liked. Someone who got what he wanted, got praised and rewarded. Someone who had friends.
“Close your eyes.” Dean did as he was told, snapping himself out of his thoughts. Cas would still be there. Cas wouldn’t leave him. Cas loved him because… well, just because, he supposed. “Relax.” He forced the tension from his body, breathing deeply. Castiel brushed a hand over his forehead. “Sleep.”
Dean’s world went dark.
Chapter 4