A Sogfic seems like a great idea to me! I enjoyed that the same small gesture hinted to an old routine at first and then it turned into the sign of a brand new start. *She paused, twisting the thin gold ring she wore, wondering if she should tidy up before she left, but she was already late. Billy would have to take care of things when he got home.* It seems like Billy usually gets home earlier than her so this is why he has to take care of things. And then… bang: *She thought of the note on the counter, with her cheap gold band resting on it. There was no turning round.* And poor Billy has a totally different reason to take care of things. :D Thank you for sharing, Tina
Thanks, Cedar. Cherie let because she had married Billy when she was quite young, and the shine had worn off for her. This is a really rough piece, and I didn't make that clear enough. Mikd ain't a prize, though; she won't be happy with him, either;D
Hey -- I'm one of your editors for this week, and I'm checking in. Before I start reading this closely, is there anything you'd like me to focus on? Plot, characterization, world building, so on and so forth?
I'd really would've liked to chat with you about your intentions for this piece, but it looks like for deadline's sake, I'll just go with what I observed.
I love how you open the piece -- it's the sort of perfect mundane thing that wouldn't catch anyone off guard, and it comes full circle when you realize that something much bigger was on her mind at the end.
If I were you, I would be careful with my descriptions -- in a couple of places (She paused in the kitchen, looking at the dishes Billy had left in the sink, the empty milk carton he had left on the counter), your descriptions turn into lists. That can be a very effective method of description, but I think it may be over used here.
I think your conclusion was very effective, too. The lack of foreshadowing in this piece worked well to shock the reader. Had it been foreshadowed, I think the impact of her decision would have been lessened.
If you have anything specific you'd like me to look at still, let me know.
Hello, I am one of your editors for this week. You know I liked this because I told you so directly after I read it the first time. Please note - I go paragraph by paragraph because that makes sense to me. Also - all my “changes” are merely suggestions. Take from them whatever makes sense to you and disregard whatever does not suit you
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Comments 7
I enjoyed that the same small gesture hinted to an old routine at first and then it turned into the sign of a brand new start. *She paused, twisting the thin gold ring she wore, wondering if she should tidy up before she left, but she was already late. Billy would have to take care of things when he got home.* It seems like Billy usually gets home earlier than her so this is why he has to take care of things. And then… bang: *She thought of the note on the counter, with her cheap gold band resting on it. There was no turning round.* And poor Billy has a totally different reason to take care of things. :D
Thank you for sharing,
Tina
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I love how you open the piece -- it's the sort of perfect mundane thing that wouldn't catch anyone off guard, and it comes full circle when you realize that something much bigger was on her mind at the end.
If I were you, I would be careful with my descriptions -- in a couple of places (She paused in the kitchen, looking at the dishes Billy had left in the sink, the empty milk carton he had left on the counter), your descriptions turn into lists. That can be a very effective method of description, but I think it may be over used here.
I think your conclusion was very effective, too. The lack of foreshadowing in this piece worked well to shock the reader. Had it been foreshadowed, I think the impact of her decision would have been lessened.
If you have anything specific you'd like me to look at still, let me know.
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