[ before i fall 1/1 ]
Title: Before I Fall
Fandom: Sea Patrol
Pairing: Mike/Kate - also Buffer/Kate, Dutchy/Kate
Words: 3603
Warnings: Character death.
Summary: 'He knew they were wrong the second he heard. She was alive, she had to be alive.'
A/N: Blame my crappy week for the emo fic.
Mike
He knew they were wrong the second he heard. She was alive, she had to be alive. Because he’d had an engagement ring meant for her in his possession for six months now. Because he hadn’t even told her he loved her.
Therefore she had to be alive.
‘Mike…’ Maxine stands up as he heads for the door.
‘No, Maxine - you’re wrong.’
The way she's looking at him annoys him. Like she feels sorry for him, like there's some reason for her to feel sorry for him. She doesn’t understand. Kate isn’t dead.
‘Mike, there’s a body.’
This time he pays attention. ‘What?’
‘Petty Officer Mulholland retrieved the body from the island….’
He suddenly can’t find his balance and grabs onto the doorframe for support.
This time it’s real.
Buffer
The Hammersley seems to be moving slowly as it comes into port. He’s watching from a distance but he’d recognise that ship anywhere. It was his home for years, and he’d missed it everyday since his departure.
But he wasn’t glad to see it now. It suddenly made the rumour seem real. He knew it was real, but he didn’t want to believe it. Not until that moment. He sees the car pull up and Commander White and Commander Flynn stepping out of it. Mike Flynn’s shoulders are slumped and he seems to be reacting as slowly as the Hammersley.
Buffer feels his shoulders slump and a single tear pricking at the back of his eyes.
He doesn’t cry, Peter Tomaszewski does not cry. But he knows for Kate McGregor he will, he has. She was one of those people - the ones that touched you in that memorable way. A friend for life, and so much more.
But that was all gone now.
All he can feel was empty as he silently salutes the ship before turning around and walking the other way.
He can’t watch them bring her ashore.
Dutchy
Finding her on the island had been the worst moment of his life. He knew it would echo through his mind for the rest of his life. He’d heard the gunshot from a distance, but the absence of a scream or return fire he hadn’t thought all that much of it.
Enough to follow the sound though.
And that’s when he’d seen her, on the beach, alone, bleeding into the sand.
‘X!’
Even his own voice echoed through his head as he watched them carry her body off the ship.
‘Dutchy…’
He could hear her voice now, raspy, quiet. He tried to block it out but he couldn’t, the words wouldn’t go away.
‘Tell Mike…’
And then there’d been silence. He wasn’t even sure what that meant - ‘tell Mike’ but he assumed she meant the CO…well the ex-CO…and he assumed Mike Flynn would understand.
He took a deep breath as her body was placed in the black van and he watched as Mike Flynn faltered slightly, Maxine placing a hand on his arm as though to steady him.
He didn’t want to talk to them. Not now. But he knew he’d have to explain eventually. Explain how this was his fault.
Maxine
She watches the two men. Dutchy's distraught, she can see that, but he's trying to show a brave face.
‘If you don’t want to do this now it can wait,’ she wants him to agree, she isn’t sure she can take Mike sitting in her office looking like the world's ended any longer.
‘I’m fine,’ Dutchy replies, bluntly, his jaw clenched and his eyes red.
Mike looks up finally and she can see the tears forming in his eyes. She didn’t want this to happen now.
‘I’m ordering you to go home and get some rest,’ she says, looking pointedly at Mike. ‘Both of you.’
‘Yes ma’am,’ and with that Dutchy stands up and walks out of her office, no salute, and she knew he was about to lose it.
And there was nothing she could do to help. She turns her attention to Mike who;s now staring at the ceiling, tears in his eyes.
‘Go home, Mike,’ she says quietly.
He looks up at her. ‘I can’t.’
For a moment Maxine thinks she understands. He doesn’t want to be alone, doesn’t want to vulnerable.
Mike sinks into a chair and tries to catch his breath. ‘I have an engagement ring in my drawer, waiting for her.’
That’s when Maxine’s heart breaks and she realises there’s nothing she can do to help him. She’d known all along that he loved Kate, that Kate had loved him, but she hadn’t realised how far it had gone.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she whispers.
He shakes his head and glances up at the sky again.
2Dads
He didn’t know how to react in these situations. It was rare he was attached to anyone, but in his years on the Hammersley he’d learnt how to form attachments. Even to her.
So he’d gotten drunk, which had led him to walking in front of Navcom, alone, in the middle of the night.
It wasn’t like he had anywhere better to be.
That’s when he notices Dutchy storming out of Navcom, and he can almost feel the anger stemming from the other man. He watches as Dutchy stops, turns to walk back inside and then decides against it and continues in his original direction.
And the next thing he knows he’s watching the other man grabbing a tree branch, snapping it off and using it to smash in a car window.
For a moment he’s shocked, and then he realises it’s Dutchy’s car. That almost makes it OK.
What surprises him more is watching the huge man sink to the ground in front of the car, lost, confused, angry.
He doesn’t approach him. He’s too scared.
But he watches from a distance to make sure he’s OK. When Dutchy finally drives off 2Dads walks back to the Hammersley.
He doesn’t want to be home, not by himself. So he goes to the only other place he feels comfortable.
Swain
He watches as 2Dads walks onboard and just sits on the deck. He knows he should go down to help him, but he’s sure 2Dads would rather be left alone. Not that any of them are particularly good company at that moment.
He glances at Bird who’s sitting on the other side of the bridge. Neither of them have spoken since Maxine left them in charge of the ship. They’d promised they were fine, but everyone knew it was a lie.
She had held the ship together like glue. They’d all looked up to her and in their own ways loved her. Some more than others.
He couldn’t help but wonder how Mike Flynn was feeling. He knew they’d been trying to keep their relationship a secret, but it wasn’t hard to figure it out when Mike was always standing there, waiting for her, when they came to port.
Not to mention that the ship’s ex-CO checked in with them every few hours.
He knew part of that was worry for his ship, but there had always been more to it.
RO
He’s almost surprised when he runs into Buffer. Or he would’ve been surprised if he’d been more sober.
Buffer’s not sober either.
‘Robert,’ Buffer pats him on the back and takes another swig from his glass.
‘Hi,’ RO replies.
That’s as far as the conversation goes. The two of them sit at the bar in silence, unable to comprehend the day’s events. He can’t shake the vision of Dutchy carrying her body back to the RHIB, of how he had held onto her until they’d reached the Hammersley, and how he’d insisted on carrying her to the infirmary.
He wasn’t sure he understood exactly how Buffer felt, but if rumours were to be believed there’d been something between them. Even if they’d never acted on those emotions.
‘Are you OK?’ RO asked.
Buffer looks at him. ‘No. You?’
‘No.’
They have another drink and return to silence.
Nav
She reads it online, and she knows that’s the one thing she’ll always regret about leaving the Navy. The fact that she had to find out on the internet, logging onto MSN. She didn’t think much of it. ‘Navy Officer killed in action’ wasn’t an article that usually pertained to activity in the waters around Cairns. She’d assumed it was something to do with Afghanistan.
Her heart freezes the instant she sees the name.
She’d only spoken to her the day before, they were supposed to meet the night after next for a girls catch up.
But she was gone.
She didn’t even know how to react to that, to losing her fiancé and her best friend only a couple of years apart?
It was too much.
She picks up the phone and calls Buffer, she doesn’t know who else to call. He doesn’t say anything when he answers, but she can hear he’s in a bar.
‘Buffer?’ she says quietly.
There’s a pause before he responds. ‘Yes?’
‘Is it true?’
He doesn’t say anything and she understands. This isn’t some media mistake. It’s real. She hangs up without another word and there’s nothing she can do to stop the tears freely flowing.
Charge
He sat alone on the balcony overlooking the Hammersley. It seemed like years since they’d docked four hours earlier and he wasn’t sure how any of them were going to manage.
Kate had been as much a part of the Hammersley as Mike Flynn, and he knew going back to work there without either of them on board would feel as though he’d transferred to the other side of the world.
He wasn’t even sure how it had happened. All he remembered was Dutchy’s face as he’d pushed past him on the deck, the silence as everyone else had walked on board.
He remembered the look on Swain’s face as he’d walked up to him. They way he’d shaken his head.
That was all he’d needed.
Charge knew in that moment that the Hammersley had lost it’s heart.
Bird
It almost felt like an eternity, the night stretching away before them. This was only the first day and she wondered if it got any easier - losing someone like that.
She’d only meant to stay in the Navy for a year, Kate McGregor had been the person to convince her to stay longer. Not that she’d talked her into it - but she’d looked up to the Lieutenant, she’d admired her and wanted to be exactly that kind of woman.
And the world losing a woman like that could be nothing but devastating.
She watches as Swain stares blankly out at the slowly rising sun.
Nine hours earlier seemed like a lifetime, and the five hours before that while they’d been returning from the island had seemed even longer.
She almost feels as though she’s grown ten years older overnight and she wonders how people deal with this sort of thing on a daily basis.
‘Swain,’ she says quietly.
He looks up at her - surprised at the first word they’ve spoken in over 9 hours.
‘Yes?’
Bird takes a deep breath and looks at the CO’s chair.
‘Does it ever get easier?’
Swain shakes his head and smiles sadly. ‘Never.’
He pauses and watches her for a moment.
‘Especially not when it’s Kate McGregor.’
Bomber
It’s Buffer wondering into the hotel she’s working at that gives it away. She’s finishing up for the night when she sees him stumble in at 5 am, RO in tow.
‘Hey guys,’ she smiles at them.
Neither of them smile back and instantly she knows something’s wrong. Her smile fades and she walks over to them quickly, shoving her chefs uniform into her bag. She considers asking ‘what happened’ but she knows better, she’s lived with these men day in and day out.
‘Who?’ is all she manages.
‘The X,’ Buffer replies.
Bomber feels her insides freeze. ‘Lieutenant McGregor?’
RO nods and she can see the sadness in his eyes properly for the first time.
‘How?’
A dark look crosses Buffer’s eyes. ‘Ask the new Buffer. He didn’t do his job.’
Buffer heads for the lift, a hotel keycard in his hand and Bomber glances at RO.
‘Are you OK?’ she asks.
He almost smiles but it’s dampened by the sadness in his eyes. He shakes his head.
‘Can we just hang out? I’m not much in the mood for talking, but I think I need company,’ RO replies.
Bomber nods. ‘Sure.’
Spider
He receives the phone call from Buffer at 5AM. Hungover and exhausted he almost considers not picking it up.
‘Buff, I’m still drunk, don’t tell me we’ve been crash sailed.’
‘The X is dead,’ Buffer’s almost whispering and it makes Spider sit up.
‘Nick Sheppard?’ he asks, but he knows better.
Buffer wouldn’t be so upset over their new XO’s death.
‘Kate McGregor.’
Spider can barely hear the words spoken but it’s enough. He closes his eyes and lies back down in bed.
‘That sucks.’
‘That sucks? That sucks?’ he can hear the anger in Buffer’s words and he regrets his words instantly. ‘It’s her, Spider. It’s the X, our X, my X…’
He pauses after the last one and Spider knows he’s trying to hide the fact that he’s crying.
‘Want me to come over?’ Spider asks.
‘No,’ he replies. ‘Just thought you should know.’
Spider’s not sure how he feels when the call ends. He hasn’t seen Kate McGregor in years, but he is entirely sure she’s the best XO he could ever have wished for. And she was one of the best people he’d ever known.
There weren’t many people who wouldn’t miss her.
Mike.
He’s not sure how he got through the night. A bottle of Scotch, or maybe it was two - he can’t remember - and a whole lot of late night TV. He’d turned up at Dutchy’s door just after midnight, unable to face the idea of going home.
Dutchy hadn’t said anything since he’d turned up, just showed him the kitchen and given him a glass for the alcohol he’d brought. Then the other man had gone to bed.
Mike hadn’t missed the smashed up car in the other sailor’s driveway and he knew he must’ve done it himself.
It’s dawn before Dutchy appears again.
‘Did you sleep?’ he asks.
Mike looks at him and realises he’s finding it hard to focus. ‘I have no idea. Did you?’
Dutchy shakes his head and moves towards the coffee machine.
‘I don’t think I can,’ Mike continues. ‘I don’t…’
He stops before he starts tearing up again because he doesn’t want Dutchy to see that and he’s not even sure why he’s here at this man’s place. They're not friends, they've never even had a proper conversation that isn't work related.
‘We all loved her, sir,’ Dutchy says quietly, avoiding his look. ‘But I know you felt more strongly than most.’
Mike looks at him and he realises it doesn’t even feel real. He expects her to walk in the door any minute and sit down and have a morning coffee with them. Dutchy pauses at the kitchen and stares blankly at the bench for a moment.
‘She wanted me to tell you something,’ Dutchy’s speaking slowly and Mike knows it’s hard for him to think about it.
He wants to tell the other man not to worry about it, not to think about what happened. But he can’t, he needs to know what Kate had wanted to tell him.
Dutchy takes a deep breath before talking again, trying to steady his breathing. And this time he looks directly at Mike.
‘But she…’ Dutchy pauses and Mike feels it like a stab, he knows what’s coming next.
‘It’s OK,’ Mike cuts him off before he can continue. ‘You don’t have to.’
‘She just said ‘tell Mike’,’ Dutchy finishes anyway.
They both fall silent. Mike nods and looks out the window, staring blankly. He doesn’t know what to do now, he knows nothing that meant anything to him is ever going to feel the same again - not without her there.
Buffer
He stops as he notices Mike and Dutchy walking into the café. They look as terrible as he feels, but he’s suddenly overcome with irrational rage directed at the man he’s never met before.
It was his job to protect the X, and as far as Buffer was concerned it was Dutchy’s fault that Kate was gone. For a moment he sits there, gripping his coffee and glaring at the other man, and before he even knows what he’s doing he's standing up and his fist is connecting with an unfamiliar face.
‘Buffer!’ Mike shouts.
Buffer ignores him, he doesn’t say anything, he can’t. Because he’s trying to be strong and he knows the second he talks he’s going to lose it.
He’s expecting the other man to respond but he doesn’t, he just looks at him blankly and Buffer suddenly recognises his expression. It’s his own.
This other man, this person he doesn’t know, felt the exact same way about Kate as he had. And for some reason that makes it hurt even more, because he knows that it could’ve been him and he can’t imagine how much it would hurt to know he hadn’t done his job.
‘Sorry,’ Buffer says.
He realises everyone in the café is staring at them, although no one’s made a move to stop them fighting.
‘It’s OK,’ Dutchy replies.
They fall silent and for the first time Buffer looks properly at Mike. His gaze is blank and he’s looking his way but there’s nothing there.
‘Sir,’ Buffer says. ‘I’m sorry.’
Mike’s gaze seems to focus slightly more on him. ‘Yeah.’
He nods and watches as Mike sinks into the nearest seat, seemingly unaware that the table is already occupied. Buffer doesn’t bother to tell him, he knows Mike’s not going to notice anyway.
Dutchy
He watches the other man across the table. He’s heard of him, Buffer. He wants to be mad at him for the punch but he can’t be, he understands.
The man sitting opposite him was as in love with Kate McGregor as Mike Flynn was and for the first time it dawns on Dutchy that he wasn’t the only one drawn to her for inexplicable reasons. There’d just been something about her.
He feels the choking feeling in his throat again as he thinks about her. He wants to think about something else, anything else - but he can’t.
The three of them sit there for close to an hour, silent, and closely watched by the bartender who Dutchy is still surprised didn’t kick them out.
‘This coffee isn’t alcoholic enough,’ Buffer finally mutters.
At the same time Mike stands up. ‘I should go.’
They look at each other in silence for a moment and then Mike leaves five dollars on the table and walks out, leaving the two men alone at the table. For a moment they sit in silence and then again it’s Buffer that breaks the silence.
‘How?’ he almost whispers.
‘I don’t know,’ Dutchy replies, honestly.
‘I should have been there.’
Dutchy isn’t sure how to respond, the hint of anger in Buffer’s voice not so well hidden. But the other man doesn’t look up from his coffee. He chooses not to.
Nav
She sees Mike walking up the steps slowly and she stops at the top. She knows she’s not supposed to be anywhere near Navcom, she’s not Navy anymore, but she wasn’t sure where else to go. She’d wanted to talk to him.
But seeing him she’s not sure she can.
He looks up slowly as he notices her and she breaks down, seeing the expression on his face her suspicions are confirmed. It reminds her of ET’s death and she’s not sure she can handle that.
He walks over to her and she’s completely lost her will to tall.
Instead she puts her arms around him and hugs him. He hugs her back and they just stand there for a long time - stuck in a moment most people can’t comprehend.
She cries into his shoulder and she knows he’s silently crying over hers.
Mike
He doesn’t want to let go of Nav. They’ve never been close, but he knows her and Kate were good friends and right at that moment there’s no one else he’d rather hug.
Except Kate.
He feels his heart breaking again as he thinks about her. He wants it to stop already, he wishes he could just rewind the clock, just one day earlier. He wishes he'd been there to save her.
It feels like ten minutes before he lets go, but he’s pretty sure it was less than one. His ability to conceive time has disappeared completely.
‘How?’ he asks.
Nav wipes away her tears and looks up at him. ‘You don’t. You just learn to live with it.’
He shakes his head slightly.
He doesn’t want to learn to live with it, he doesn’t want to forget her. All he wants to do is cling to her, cling to everything they’d had - and how they should’ve had it for so much longer. He regretted every minute he’d waited to leave the Hammersley.
‘It gets better,’ Nav whispers. ‘Trust me, it does. It aches every day, but the sharp pain goes away.’
He looks at her and all he feels is hollow. He doesn’t understand how it can hurt any less, but he knows that the woman in front of him understands better than anyone else.
She hugs him again and for the first time in 24 hours he feels like he’s almost alive.
‘Thank you,’ he whispers.
Nav hugs him closer and he closes his eyes.
It’s doesn't make it any easier, but somehow knowing he's not alone helps.
Fandom: Sea Patrol
Pairing: Mike/Kate - also Buffer/Kate, Dutchy/Kate
Words: 3603
Warnings: Character death.
Summary: 'He knew they were wrong the second he heard. She was alive, she had to be alive.'
A/N: Blame my crappy week for the emo fic.
Mike
He knew they were wrong the second he heard. She was alive, she had to be alive. Because he’d had an engagement ring meant for her in his possession for six months now. Because he hadn’t even told her he loved her.
Therefore she had to be alive.
‘Mike…’ Maxine stands up as he heads for the door.
‘No, Maxine - you’re wrong.’
The way she's looking at him annoys him. Like she feels sorry for him, like there's some reason for her to feel sorry for him. She doesn’t understand. Kate isn’t dead.
‘Mike, there’s a body.’
This time he pays attention. ‘What?’
‘Petty Officer Mulholland retrieved the body from the island….’
He suddenly can’t find his balance and grabs onto the doorframe for support.
This time it’s real.
Buffer
The Hammersley seems to be moving slowly as it comes into port. He’s watching from a distance but he’d recognise that ship anywhere. It was his home for years, and he’d missed it everyday since his departure.
But he wasn’t glad to see it now. It suddenly made the rumour seem real. He knew it was real, but he didn’t want to believe it. Not until that moment. He sees the car pull up and Commander White and Commander Flynn stepping out of it. Mike Flynn’s shoulders are slumped and he seems to be reacting as slowly as the Hammersley.
Buffer feels his shoulders slump and a single tear pricking at the back of his eyes.
He doesn’t cry, Peter Tomaszewski does not cry. But he knows for Kate McGregor he will, he has. She was one of those people - the ones that touched you in that memorable way. A friend for life, and so much more.
But that was all gone now.
All he can feel was empty as he silently salutes the ship before turning around and walking the other way.
He can’t watch them bring her ashore.
Dutchy
Finding her on the island had been the worst moment of his life. He knew it would echo through his mind for the rest of his life. He’d heard the gunshot from a distance, but the absence of a scream or return fire he hadn’t thought all that much of it.
Enough to follow the sound though.
And that’s when he’d seen her, on the beach, alone, bleeding into the sand.
‘X!’
Even his own voice echoed through his head as he watched them carry her body off the ship.
‘Dutchy…’
He could hear her voice now, raspy, quiet. He tried to block it out but he couldn’t, the words wouldn’t go away.
‘Tell Mike…’
And then there’d been silence. He wasn’t even sure what that meant - ‘tell Mike’ but he assumed she meant the CO…well the ex-CO…and he assumed Mike Flynn would understand.
He took a deep breath as her body was placed in the black van and he watched as Mike Flynn faltered slightly, Maxine placing a hand on his arm as though to steady him.
He didn’t want to talk to them. Not now. But he knew he’d have to explain eventually. Explain how this was his fault.
Maxine
She watches the two men. Dutchy's distraught, she can see that, but he's trying to show a brave face.
‘If you don’t want to do this now it can wait,’ she wants him to agree, she isn’t sure she can take Mike sitting in her office looking like the world's ended any longer.
‘I’m fine,’ Dutchy replies, bluntly, his jaw clenched and his eyes red.
Mike looks up finally and she can see the tears forming in his eyes. She didn’t want this to happen now.
‘I’m ordering you to go home and get some rest,’ she says, looking pointedly at Mike. ‘Both of you.’
‘Yes ma’am,’ and with that Dutchy stands up and walks out of her office, no salute, and she knew he was about to lose it.
And there was nothing she could do to help. She turns her attention to Mike who;s now staring at the ceiling, tears in his eyes.
‘Go home, Mike,’ she says quietly.
He looks up at her. ‘I can’t.’
For a moment Maxine thinks she understands. He doesn’t want to be alone, doesn’t want to vulnerable.
Mike sinks into a chair and tries to catch his breath. ‘I have an engagement ring in my drawer, waiting for her.’
That’s when Maxine’s heart breaks and she realises there’s nothing she can do to help him. She’d known all along that he loved Kate, that Kate had loved him, but she hadn’t realised how far it had gone.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she whispers.
He shakes his head and glances up at the sky again.
2Dads
He didn’t know how to react in these situations. It was rare he was attached to anyone, but in his years on the Hammersley he’d learnt how to form attachments. Even to her.
So he’d gotten drunk, which had led him to walking in front of Navcom, alone, in the middle of the night.
It wasn’t like he had anywhere better to be.
That’s when he notices Dutchy storming out of Navcom, and he can almost feel the anger stemming from the other man. He watches as Dutchy stops, turns to walk back inside and then decides against it and continues in his original direction.
And the next thing he knows he’s watching the other man grabbing a tree branch, snapping it off and using it to smash in a car window.
For a moment he’s shocked, and then he realises it’s Dutchy’s car. That almost makes it OK.
What surprises him more is watching the huge man sink to the ground in front of the car, lost, confused, angry.
He doesn’t approach him. He’s too scared.
But he watches from a distance to make sure he’s OK. When Dutchy finally drives off 2Dads walks back to the Hammersley.
He doesn’t want to be home, not by himself. So he goes to the only other place he feels comfortable.
Swain
He watches as 2Dads walks onboard and just sits on the deck. He knows he should go down to help him, but he’s sure 2Dads would rather be left alone. Not that any of them are particularly good company at that moment.
He glances at Bird who’s sitting on the other side of the bridge. Neither of them have spoken since Maxine left them in charge of the ship. They’d promised they were fine, but everyone knew it was a lie.
She had held the ship together like glue. They’d all looked up to her and in their own ways loved her. Some more than others.
He couldn’t help but wonder how Mike Flynn was feeling. He knew they’d been trying to keep their relationship a secret, but it wasn’t hard to figure it out when Mike was always standing there, waiting for her, when they came to port.
Not to mention that the ship’s ex-CO checked in with them every few hours.
He knew part of that was worry for his ship, but there had always been more to it.
RO
He’s almost surprised when he runs into Buffer. Or he would’ve been surprised if he’d been more sober.
Buffer’s not sober either.
‘Robert,’ Buffer pats him on the back and takes another swig from his glass.
‘Hi,’ RO replies.
That’s as far as the conversation goes. The two of them sit at the bar in silence, unable to comprehend the day’s events. He can’t shake the vision of Dutchy carrying her body back to the RHIB, of how he had held onto her until they’d reached the Hammersley, and how he’d insisted on carrying her to the infirmary.
He wasn’t sure he understood exactly how Buffer felt, but if rumours were to be believed there’d been something between them. Even if they’d never acted on those emotions.
‘Are you OK?’ RO asked.
Buffer looks at him. ‘No. You?’
‘No.’
They have another drink and return to silence.
Nav
She reads it online, and she knows that’s the one thing she’ll always regret about leaving the Navy. The fact that she had to find out on the internet, logging onto MSN. She didn’t think much of it. ‘Navy Officer killed in action’ wasn’t an article that usually pertained to activity in the waters around Cairns. She’d assumed it was something to do with Afghanistan.
Her heart freezes the instant she sees the name.
She’d only spoken to her the day before, they were supposed to meet the night after next for a girls catch up.
But she was gone.
She didn’t even know how to react to that, to losing her fiancé and her best friend only a couple of years apart?
It was too much.
She picks up the phone and calls Buffer, she doesn’t know who else to call. He doesn’t say anything when he answers, but she can hear he’s in a bar.
‘Buffer?’ she says quietly.
There’s a pause before he responds. ‘Yes?’
‘Is it true?’
He doesn’t say anything and she understands. This isn’t some media mistake. It’s real. She hangs up without another word and there’s nothing she can do to stop the tears freely flowing.
Charge
He sat alone on the balcony overlooking the Hammersley. It seemed like years since they’d docked four hours earlier and he wasn’t sure how any of them were going to manage.
Kate had been as much a part of the Hammersley as Mike Flynn, and he knew going back to work there without either of them on board would feel as though he’d transferred to the other side of the world.
He wasn’t even sure how it had happened. All he remembered was Dutchy’s face as he’d pushed past him on the deck, the silence as everyone else had walked on board.
He remembered the look on Swain’s face as he’d walked up to him. They way he’d shaken his head.
That was all he’d needed.
Charge knew in that moment that the Hammersley had lost it’s heart.
Bird
It almost felt like an eternity, the night stretching away before them. This was only the first day and she wondered if it got any easier - losing someone like that.
She’d only meant to stay in the Navy for a year, Kate McGregor had been the person to convince her to stay longer. Not that she’d talked her into it - but she’d looked up to the Lieutenant, she’d admired her and wanted to be exactly that kind of woman.
And the world losing a woman like that could be nothing but devastating.
She watches as Swain stares blankly out at the slowly rising sun.
Nine hours earlier seemed like a lifetime, and the five hours before that while they’d been returning from the island had seemed even longer.
She almost feels as though she’s grown ten years older overnight and she wonders how people deal with this sort of thing on a daily basis.
‘Swain,’ she says quietly.
He looks up at her - surprised at the first word they’ve spoken in over 9 hours.
‘Yes?’
Bird takes a deep breath and looks at the CO’s chair.
‘Does it ever get easier?’
Swain shakes his head and smiles sadly. ‘Never.’
He pauses and watches her for a moment.
‘Especially not when it’s Kate McGregor.’
Bomber
It’s Buffer wondering into the hotel she’s working at that gives it away. She’s finishing up for the night when she sees him stumble in at 5 am, RO in tow.
‘Hey guys,’ she smiles at them.
Neither of them smile back and instantly she knows something’s wrong. Her smile fades and she walks over to them quickly, shoving her chefs uniform into her bag. She considers asking ‘what happened’ but she knows better, she’s lived with these men day in and day out.
‘Who?’ is all she manages.
‘The X,’ Buffer replies.
Bomber feels her insides freeze. ‘Lieutenant McGregor?’
RO nods and she can see the sadness in his eyes properly for the first time.
‘How?’
A dark look crosses Buffer’s eyes. ‘Ask the new Buffer. He didn’t do his job.’
Buffer heads for the lift, a hotel keycard in his hand and Bomber glances at RO.
‘Are you OK?’ she asks.
He almost smiles but it’s dampened by the sadness in his eyes. He shakes his head.
‘Can we just hang out? I’m not much in the mood for talking, but I think I need company,’ RO replies.
Bomber nods. ‘Sure.’
Spider
He receives the phone call from Buffer at 5AM. Hungover and exhausted he almost considers not picking it up.
‘Buff, I’m still drunk, don’t tell me we’ve been crash sailed.’
‘The X is dead,’ Buffer’s almost whispering and it makes Spider sit up.
‘Nick Sheppard?’ he asks, but he knows better.
Buffer wouldn’t be so upset over their new XO’s death.
‘Kate McGregor.’
Spider can barely hear the words spoken but it’s enough. He closes his eyes and lies back down in bed.
‘That sucks.’
‘That sucks? That sucks?’ he can hear the anger in Buffer’s words and he regrets his words instantly. ‘It’s her, Spider. It’s the X, our X, my X…’
He pauses after the last one and Spider knows he’s trying to hide the fact that he’s crying.
‘Want me to come over?’ Spider asks.
‘No,’ he replies. ‘Just thought you should know.’
Spider’s not sure how he feels when the call ends. He hasn’t seen Kate McGregor in years, but he is entirely sure she’s the best XO he could ever have wished for. And she was one of the best people he’d ever known.
There weren’t many people who wouldn’t miss her.
Mike.
He’s not sure how he got through the night. A bottle of Scotch, or maybe it was two - he can’t remember - and a whole lot of late night TV. He’d turned up at Dutchy’s door just after midnight, unable to face the idea of going home.
Dutchy hadn’t said anything since he’d turned up, just showed him the kitchen and given him a glass for the alcohol he’d brought. Then the other man had gone to bed.
Mike hadn’t missed the smashed up car in the other sailor’s driveway and he knew he must’ve done it himself.
It’s dawn before Dutchy appears again.
‘Did you sleep?’ he asks.
Mike looks at him and realises he’s finding it hard to focus. ‘I have no idea. Did you?’
Dutchy shakes his head and moves towards the coffee machine.
‘I don’t think I can,’ Mike continues. ‘I don’t…’
He stops before he starts tearing up again because he doesn’t want Dutchy to see that and he’s not even sure why he’s here at this man’s place. They're not friends, they've never even had a proper conversation that isn't work related.
‘We all loved her, sir,’ Dutchy says quietly, avoiding his look. ‘But I know you felt more strongly than most.’
Mike looks at him and he realises it doesn’t even feel real. He expects her to walk in the door any minute and sit down and have a morning coffee with them. Dutchy pauses at the kitchen and stares blankly at the bench for a moment.
‘She wanted me to tell you something,’ Dutchy’s speaking slowly and Mike knows it’s hard for him to think about it.
He wants to tell the other man not to worry about it, not to think about what happened. But he can’t, he needs to know what Kate had wanted to tell him.
Dutchy takes a deep breath before talking again, trying to steady his breathing. And this time he looks directly at Mike.
‘But she…’ Dutchy pauses and Mike feels it like a stab, he knows what’s coming next.
‘It’s OK,’ Mike cuts him off before he can continue. ‘You don’t have to.’
‘She just said ‘tell Mike’,’ Dutchy finishes anyway.
They both fall silent. Mike nods and looks out the window, staring blankly. He doesn’t know what to do now, he knows nothing that meant anything to him is ever going to feel the same again - not without her there.
Buffer
He stops as he notices Mike and Dutchy walking into the café. They look as terrible as he feels, but he’s suddenly overcome with irrational rage directed at the man he’s never met before.
It was his job to protect the X, and as far as Buffer was concerned it was Dutchy’s fault that Kate was gone. For a moment he sits there, gripping his coffee and glaring at the other man, and before he even knows what he’s doing he's standing up and his fist is connecting with an unfamiliar face.
‘Buffer!’ Mike shouts.
Buffer ignores him, he doesn’t say anything, he can’t. Because he’s trying to be strong and he knows the second he talks he’s going to lose it.
He’s expecting the other man to respond but he doesn’t, he just looks at him blankly and Buffer suddenly recognises his expression. It’s his own.
This other man, this person he doesn’t know, felt the exact same way about Kate as he had. And for some reason that makes it hurt even more, because he knows that it could’ve been him and he can’t imagine how much it would hurt to know he hadn’t done his job.
‘Sorry,’ Buffer says.
He realises everyone in the café is staring at them, although no one’s made a move to stop them fighting.
‘It’s OK,’ Dutchy replies.
They fall silent and for the first time Buffer looks properly at Mike. His gaze is blank and he’s looking his way but there’s nothing there.
‘Sir,’ Buffer says. ‘I’m sorry.’
Mike’s gaze seems to focus slightly more on him. ‘Yeah.’
He nods and watches as Mike sinks into the nearest seat, seemingly unaware that the table is already occupied. Buffer doesn’t bother to tell him, he knows Mike’s not going to notice anyway.
Dutchy
He watches the other man across the table. He’s heard of him, Buffer. He wants to be mad at him for the punch but he can’t be, he understands.
The man sitting opposite him was as in love with Kate McGregor as Mike Flynn was and for the first time it dawns on Dutchy that he wasn’t the only one drawn to her for inexplicable reasons. There’d just been something about her.
He feels the choking feeling in his throat again as he thinks about her. He wants to think about something else, anything else - but he can’t.
The three of them sit there for close to an hour, silent, and closely watched by the bartender who Dutchy is still surprised didn’t kick them out.
‘This coffee isn’t alcoholic enough,’ Buffer finally mutters.
At the same time Mike stands up. ‘I should go.’
They look at each other in silence for a moment and then Mike leaves five dollars on the table and walks out, leaving the two men alone at the table. For a moment they sit in silence and then again it’s Buffer that breaks the silence.
‘How?’ he almost whispers.
‘I don’t know,’ Dutchy replies, honestly.
‘I should have been there.’
Dutchy isn’t sure how to respond, the hint of anger in Buffer’s voice not so well hidden. But the other man doesn’t look up from his coffee. He chooses not to.
Nav
She sees Mike walking up the steps slowly and she stops at the top. She knows she’s not supposed to be anywhere near Navcom, she’s not Navy anymore, but she wasn’t sure where else to go. She’d wanted to talk to him.
But seeing him she’s not sure she can.
He looks up slowly as he notices her and she breaks down, seeing the expression on his face her suspicions are confirmed. It reminds her of ET’s death and she’s not sure she can handle that.
He walks over to her and she’s completely lost her will to tall.
Instead she puts her arms around him and hugs him. He hugs her back and they just stand there for a long time - stuck in a moment most people can’t comprehend.
She cries into his shoulder and she knows he’s silently crying over hers.
Mike
He doesn’t want to let go of Nav. They’ve never been close, but he knows her and Kate were good friends and right at that moment there’s no one else he’d rather hug.
Except Kate.
He feels his heart breaking again as he thinks about her. He wants it to stop already, he wishes he could just rewind the clock, just one day earlier. He wishes he'd been there to save her.
It feels like ten minutes before he lets go, but he’s pretty sure it was less than one. His ability to conceive time has disappeared completely.
‘How?’ he asks.
Nav wipes away her tears and looks up at him. ‘You don’t. You just learn to live with it.’
He shakes his head slightly.
He doesn’t want to learn to live with it, he doesn’t want to forget her. All he wants to do is cling to her, cling to everything they’d had - and how they should’ve had it for so much longer. He regretted every minute he’d waited to leave the Hammersley.
‘It gets better,’ Nav whispers. ‘Trust me, it does. It aches every day, but the sharp pain goes away.’
He looks at her and all he feels is hollow. He doesn’t understand how it can hurt any less, but he knows that the woman in front of him understands better than anyone else.
She hugs him again and for the first time in 24 hours he feels like he’s almost alive.
‘Thank you,’ he whispers.
Nav hugs him closer and he closes his eyes.
It’s doesn't make it any easier, but somehow knowing he's not alone helps.