if it looks like dichotomy, and smells like dichotomy...

[much_ado]

Comments

I don't have anything more profound to say

[the_nita]

I love you.

Re: I don't have anything more profound to say

[much_ado]

i know that. some days, *that's* a source of amazement to me, too.

Re: I don't have anything more profound to say

[the_nita]

Likewise. And some days, you let me see that. And it gets reinforced.

There's reasons besides your winning smile I have stuck around this long, babe. You may not be brilliant at this, but you definitely got something (and it can't be the sex...*wry grin*)

[whynotsteve]

in this case, the opposing ideas i'm holding in mind are: (1) i like having my cake and eating it too, and (2) i don't enjoy sharing my cake with others.

That is me for sure (as moonlight_mile helpfully noted from the next room *g*). And that is one of the main reasons poly just doesn't work for me.

[much_ado]

so you've chosen not to pursue other interests when they cross your path, instead of learning to moderate your responses when those interests look like they want something else in addition to you? why did you choose that way?

[whynotsteve]

I am not completely sure what you are asking here. Yes, I have chosen not to pursue other interests, but can you clarify what you mean in the 2nd part of the 1st question?

[much_ado]

as someone who struggles with the same issues, i face a choice; i can choose not to put myself in situations where the struggle becomes really problematic (by choosing monogamy over poly relationship styles) - OR - i can learn to moderate or change my behaviours when it looks like one of my lovers is interested in someone else. i've chosen the latter course (for better or for worse), you've chosen the former, and out of comparative curiosity (because i learn in part from bugging people who made a different choice than i have in similar situations) i'm wondering why :)

Hello cognitive disconnect! Nice to see you again.

[melebeth]

"i translate melebeth's statement into my own context thusly: "You are not important to me as my lover's lover, so much as it is important to me to know and understand what risk factors you represent to MY relationship with [X], and if i understand the risks, i am better able to predict the potential for problems, and mitigate those risks accordingly."
Interesting. Your context and my context are not even remotely overlapping. My context is much closer to "I want to respect my partner's other relationships, and the best way I know how to do that is to know the people they're with." With a strong side dish of "if my partner loves them than they're probably pretty neat people" (certainly not always the case, but it generally has been) But I tend to work from a place of worrying more about not stepping on other peoples relationships than having them step on mine. Which sounds judgmental, and honestly isn't intended to be. It's just that I assume that if something ends up fucked up in my relationship it's almost certainly my fault, but I'

Re: Hello cognitive disconnect! Nice to see you again.

[much_ado]

I'd really hate myself if I did something to fuck up one of my partner's other relationships.

we overlap here, for sure :)

i fear my weasels, so my "best practice" to date has been to keep my weasels far from my partner's other relationships where possible where they are most likely to trigger my fears, and all the defensive reactions that are tied to those fears. my version of wanting to respect my partner's relationships means a reasonably hands-off, non-interfering role for me; i will check in frequently with my partner for new developments, status updates, changes in expectations, etc., but i don't want news of my partner's relationships to come from anyone other than my partner, because i don't trust a third party to NOT spin-doctor things about my partner or the relationship back to me

Ah Ha!

[melebeth]

I begin to understand where you're coming from

[melebeth]

Oh, and also the fact that, most of the time, I honestly think that sharing my cake makes it taste better.

Part of the reason I enjoy reading your posts is that I find them both absolutely fascinating and understandable, even when they're alien to my experience. In other words... I learn stuff.

[ms_mary]

Well spoken, love.
Thanks for trusting me. And I guess that means the window of opportunity for being seduced by the lovely and talented 'Nora has closed, hmm?

[much_ado]

these days, i really don't know what it means, other than, "Don't assume a door is permanently closed until i tell you explicitly that it is so" :)

[make_your_move]

Just saying hi and ..well, I'm thinking of you.