because pyrategrrl asked: defining wants and needs
(i wrote the original version well over a year ago; i've reposted the link a couple of times, but newcomers to my FList - many of whom for which the issue of defining "wants and needs" has come up separately - won't have seen this. so i'm paring it down and reposting the gist of the original material, plus whatever updates a year and a half deserves).
[Edited June 29 2012]
in the course of our counselling sessions, J and i came up with what i consider to be the five cornerstone principles of a good relationship (be it a friendship, a professional relationship, an intimate, emotionally-invested partnership, etc.). these five principles are: communication, consideration, responsibility, availability, and collaboration. much later, i finally came to understand that those five principles form a *framework*, or the common structure agreed to by all parties, upon which the details of specific needs are based.
using that structure as the basis for the rest of this entry, i am now going to attempt the death-defying feat of mapping five cornerstone principles to a host of specific relationship needs. this is very much a work in progress. i know there are things i will forget or overlook or want to change in the course of actual practice. some of these are still general, and deliberately so - i didn't want to get distracted by the trap of trying to define my needs as they might pertain to *specific* relationships.
please note: my list below makes certain implicit assumptions, such as the assumption that basic needs, such as food, clothing, shelter, employment, income, etc., are already being addressed and met. most of the list below, for you psychology geeks out there, fall under the Maslow category of Love/Belonging needs; a lot of what i've been working on personally in the past year (starting with the list below and progressing from there) falls into the category of Actualization.
and as always, these are needs i have defined for myself and within myself - YMMV.
things in red are new since my last review of this list the creation of the list.
Things in BLUE are new as of the 2012 review, which as of the end of June is a work in progress.
Principle: Help
Needs: security reinforcement and compassion around anxiety/vulnerability; I need to grok my own needs enough to articulate when I'm feeling insecure or fear-triggered, and ask for help in feeling secure
identifying, developing or improving key skills for self-soothing (yours, mine)
an understanding of the "fear signals" and a willingness to engage and subvert or dismantle them effectively with me
a willingness to do a reasonable amount of homework into understanding chronic pain in general, and mine in specific: how it relates to mood and cognitive skills, my sexuality and energy levels, and the sometimes-weird-assed denial I get into about what I can and cannot do (more like should and should not do) because of it
Principle: Intimacy
Yes, this is now recognized as a core need; I'm working on articulating what this looks like as specific needs
this will involve both physical/sexual intimacy and bi-directional emotional vulnerability
Principle: Communication
Needs: create time and space to talk and listen; create a shared lexicon of important terms; be willing to inform each other when needs/wants/expectations/plans/etc change, and stay present to create a solution (see Availability); question for clarity and understanding when one of us doesn't understand something; don't make assumptions or draw conclusion in the absence of information/answers from the other party (if the only reason you don't know something for sure is because *you* failed to ask the questions, the responsibility for those possibly erroneous conclusions is all yours).
Effective defence of boundaries against hurtful/harmful incursions: If you think what I've said is hurtful (deliberately or otherwise), call me on my intentions for clarification, preferably with more respect than I might have shown in my own commentary (if only to avoid blindly-reactive, unintentional escalation); I will offer the same in return.
Principle: Consideration
Needs: treat me as you want me to treat you (compassion); take those wants/needs/expectations of mine that you are aware of into consideration before making or acting on a decision that affects me or us; be respectful of how you represent me to other people (whether i'm present or not); be supportive when i'm stressing; don't deliberately risk the physical or emotional health and stability of the relationship (this is a catch-all for everything from safe-sex practices to choosing/introducing your next sportfuck - this translates to "Think many times before you introduce anything with a potentially negative influence or impact to our relationship); tell me if i'm being inconsiderate of you, your needs/wants/etc. understand (and help me understand) that we are two distinct entities with two distinct purposes, two distinct perspectives, two distinct drives, two distinct methods of interacting with our respective worlds, and help find a means of making those differences work for us, rather than drive us apart.
Principle: Responsibility
Needs: be willing to recognize, understand, and accept ownership for your actions, and the consequences thereof; don't expect me to solve all your problems for you (i'm here to help, i am not you personal Quixotic hero, nor do i expect you to be mine); drive the process for resolving any issues you bring up that require such action (i don't read minds, so if you have a need or expectation that isn't met, it's your responsibility to make that known to me, not mine to guess) - WHO HAS THE NEED, DRIVES THE SOLUTION; help me learn to avoid known patterns blamestorming and skittering away from tense topics. don't assume that because i've asked for your input, that i'm expecting you to solve all my problems for me: DON'T OWN MY SHIT, DON'T EXPECT ME TO OWN YOURS.
[later edit: i think one of the recurring lessons, originally phrased by hel_ana as "Don't be complicit in your own subjugation", also falls into this area of responsibility and owning your own actions, but as it wasn't really something i could tie to a specific relaitonship *need*, per se, i didn't initially include it. maybe what i need to ponder on is a list of lessons learned that have been important steps on the path to that fifth Maslow tier of self-actualization... but not today...]
Principle: Availabilty
Needs: stay "present" when we're talking about serious stuff, or, if you can't stay present, tell me that you can't (and preferably why), and let me know when you *will* be available; make time for me in your life, in your social circles and activities (let me discover and decide for myself which ones i'll join you in and which i won't); make time for a physicial relationship (sex, snuggles, touches, showers, play, whatever); provide timely information about your schedule so we can make joint or solo plans accordingly; be honest about your interest in any plans that come up
Principle: Collaboration
Needs: jointly establish mutual/shared goals and plans for achieving those goals; communicate interest and desire for collaborative projects (generally and specifically), along with identified degree of prioritization; be honest about your interest in collaborations, and communicate any influencing factors you are aware of that will impact joint efforts.
Be an active participant in the relationship; passivity - including allowing me to lapse into long-term passivity - is really not a great way to sustain any kind of passionate interest over the long haul (it's expected that we'll take turns driving the bus over time, but if it becomes completely one-sided, that's an issue.)
(continuing with the post on june 22/05)
this list doesn't even begin to cover my wants, because those are things that change on an almost hourly basis some days. i have learned a few very important lessons about wants, though: first, if there's something i want, i stand a better chance of getting it if i *ask* for it directly, rather than hint about it or approach the topic obliquely - or worse, say nothing and just assume people will figure me out; just because something is a high-priority want in my mind, doesn't mean that want will be clear and prioritized for anyone outside my own head. if it's important, ask explicitly. if you don't, won't or can't ask, my thought is, it can't be that important to you.
second, it's OK to take risks with wants. wants are never going to be deal-breakers in a relationship (because if they are, then chances are *very* high you're dealing with a mislabeled or misunderstood need). therefore, ask for everything - you never know what you *can* have, until you ask for it. but by the same token, don't *expect* everything, because sooner or later, someone's going to say No. in the vein of not counting chickens before hatching, don't get emotionally invested in your wants until you've got the *thing* in your hands (metaphorically or literally), because again, sooner or later you won't get what you want. and if you're emotionally invested in that want, it's going to feel like a crushing defeat. anticipate, sure - but don't expect.
i want a pony. i want a spinning wheel. i want my partner to read my mind and do housework chores without being asked. i want the laundry fairies to do my chores for me (can i have a house fairy named Molly Maid? can i have a pony named Molly Maid?). i want to draw an income without having to work for it. i want to have clear headspace to write fiction again. i want to have time in my life to pursue all the hobbies i dream of trying. i want to live in a world where i'm not afriad of my neighbours. i want to never have to share my husband's time and attention. i want to never have to clean another puked-up cat hairball off light-coloured carpets ever again. i want to own a big house outside of town. i want to be able to travel. i want to have a baby with my husband. i want to attend music festivals. i want stained glass and paintings to fill my home. i want to host fabulous dinner parties every month for my friends without ever having to worry about budget and schedule issues. i want to get out of here and rescue my cotton from the laundromat across the road. i want hardwood floors. i want to go to scotland instead of pennsic, and ireland instead of scotland. i want a cabinet stocked with premium single malt scotches not generally available in north america. i want to spend a month on safari in kenya before all the animals are gone. i want a rock from the moon. i want my mommy.
[Edited June 29 2012]
in the course of our counselling sessions, J and i came up with what i consider to be the five cornerstone principles of a good relationship (be it a friendship, a professional relationship, an intimate, emotionally-invested partnership, etc.). these five principles are: communication, consideration, responsibility, availability, and collaboration. much later, i finally came to understand that those five principles form a *framework*, or the common structure agreed to by all parties, upon which the details of specific needs are based.
using that structure as the basis for the rest of this entry, i am now going to attempt the death-defying feat of mapping five cornerstone principles to a host of specific relationship needs. this is very much a work in progress. i know there are things i will forget or overlook or want to change in the course of actual practice. some of these are still general, and deliberately so - i didn't want to get distracted by the trap of trying to define my needs as they might pertain to *specific* relationships.
please note: my list below makes certain implicit assumptions, such as the assumption that basic needs, such as food, clothing, shelter, employment, income, etc., are already being addressed and met. most of the list below, for you psychology geeks out there, fall under the Maslow category of Love/Belonging needs; a lot of what i've been working on personally in the past year (starting with the list below and progressing from there) falls into the category of Actualization.
and as always, these are needs i have defined for myself and within myself - YMMV.
things in red are new since my last review of this list the creation of the list.
Things in BLUE are new as of the 2012 review, which as of the end of June is a work in progress.
Principle: Help
Needs: security reinforcement and compassion around anxiety/vulnerability; I need to grok my own needs enough to articulate when I'm feeling insecure or fear-triggered, and ask for help in feeling secure
identifying, developing or improving key skills for self-soothing (yours, mine)
an understanding of the "fear signals" and a willingness to engage and subvert or dismantle them effectively with me
a willingness to do a reasonable amount of homework into understanding chronic pain in general, and mine in specific: how it relates to mood and cognitive skills, my sexuality and energy levels, and the sometimes-weird-assed denial I get into about what I can and cannot do (more like should and should not do) because of it
Principle: Intimacy
Yes, this is now recognized as a core need; I'm working on articulating what this looks like as specific needs
this will involve both physical/sexual intimacy and bi-directional emotional vulnerability
Principle: Communication
Needs: create time and space to talk and listen; create a shared lexicon of important terms; be willing to inform each other when needs/wants/expectations/plans/etc change, and stay present to create a solution (see Availability); question for clarity and understanding when one of us doesn't understand something; don't make assumptions or draw conclusion in the absence of information/answers from the other party (if the only reason you don't know something for sure is because *you* failed to ask the questions, the responsibility for those possibly erroneous conclusions is all yours).
Effective defence of boundaries against hurtful/harmful incursions: If you think what I've said is hurtful (deliberately or otherwise), call me on my intentions for clarification, preferably with more respect than I might have shown in my own commentary (if only to avoid blindly-reactive, unintentional escalation); I will offer the same in return.
Principle: Consideration
Needs: treat me as you want me to treat you (compassion); take those wants/needs/expectations of mine that you are aware of into consideration before making or acting on a decision that affects me or us; be respectful of how you represent me to other people (whether i'm present or not); be supportive when i'm stressing; don't deliberately risk the physical or emotional health and stability of the relationship (this is a catch-all for everything from safe-sex practices to choosing/introducing your next sportfuck - this translates to "Think many times before you introduce anything with a potentially negative influence or impact to our relationship); tell me if i'm being inconsiderate of you, your needs/wants/etc. understand (and help me understand) that we are two distinct entities with two distinct purposes, two distinct perspectives, two distinct drives, two distinct methods of interacting with our respective worlds, and help find a means of making those differences work for us, rather than drive us apart.
Principle: Responsibility
Needs: be willing to recognize, understand, and accept ownership for your actions, and the consequences thereof; don't expect me to solve all your problems for you (i'm here to help, i am not you personal Quixotic hero, nor do i expect you to be mine); drive the process for resolving any issues you bring up that require such action (i don't read minds, so if you have a need or expectation that isn't met, it's your responsibility to make that known to me, not mine to guess) - WHO HAS THE NEED, DRIVES THE SOLUTION; help me learn to avoid known patterns blamestorming and skittering away from tense topics. don't assume that because i've asked for your input, that i'm expecting you to solve all my problems for me: DON'T OWN MY SHIT, DON'T EXPECT ME TO OWN YOURS.
[later edit: i think one of the recurring lessons, originally phrased by hel_ana as "Don't be complicit in your own subjugation", also falls into this area of responsibility and owning your own actions, but as it wasn't really something i could tie to a specific relaitonship *need*, per se, i didn't initially include it. maybe what i need to ponder on is a list of lessons learned that have been important steps on the path to that fifth Maslow tier of self-actualization... but not today...]
Principle: Availabilty
Needs: stay "present" when we're talking about serious stuff, or, if you can't stay present, tell me that you can't (and preferably why), and let me know when you *will* be available; make time for me in your life, in your social circles and activities (let me discover and decide for myself which ones i'll join you in and which i won't); make time for a physicial relationship (sex, snuggles, touches, showers, play, whatever); provide timely information about your schedule so we can make joint or solo plans accordingly; be honest about your interest in any plans that come up
Principle: Collaboration
Needs: jointly establish mutual/shared goals and plans for achieving those goals; communicate interest and desire for collaborative projects (generally and specifically), along with identified degree of prioritization; be honest about your interest in collaborations, and communicate any influencing factors you are aware of that will impact joint efforts.
Be an active participant in the relationship; passivity - including allowing me to lapse into long-term passivity - is really not a great way to sustain any kind of passionate interest over the long haul (it's expected that we'll take turns driving the bus over time, but if it becomes completely one-sided, that's an issue.)
(continuing with the post on june 22/05)
this list doesn't even begin to cover my wants, because those are things that change on an almost hourly basis some days. i have learned a few very important lessons about wants, though: first, if there's something i want, i stand a better chance of getting it if i *ask* for it directly, rather than hint about it or approach the topic obliquely - or worse, say nothing and just assume people will figure me out; just because something is a high-priority want in my mind, doesn't mean that want will be clear and prioritized for anyone outside my own head. if it's important, ask explicitly. if you don't, won't or can't ask, my thought is, it can't be that important to you.
second, it's OK to take risks with wants. wants are never going to be deal-breakers in a relationship (because if they are, then chances are *very* high you're dealing with a mislabeled or misunderstood need). therefore, ask for everything - you never know what you *can* have, until you ask for it. but by the same token, don't *expect* everything, because sooner or later, someone's going to say No. in the vein of not counting chickens before hatching, don't get emotionally invested in your wants until you've got the *thing* in your hands (metaphorically or literally), because again, sooner or later you won't get what you want. and if you're emotionally invested in that want, it's going to feel like a crushing defeat. anticipate, sure - but don't expect.
i want a pony. i want a spinning wheel. i want my partner to read my mind and do housework chores without being asked. i want the laundry fairies to do my chores for me (can i have a house fairy named Molly Maid? can i have a pony named Molly Maid?). i want to draw an income without having to work for it. i want to have clear headspace to write fiction again. i want to have time in my life to pursue all the hobbies i dream of trying. i want to live in a world where i'm not afriad of my neighbours. i want to never have to share my husband's time and attention. i want to never have to clean another puked-up cat hairball off light-coloured carpets ever again. i want to own a big house outside of town. i want to be able to travel. i want to have a baby with my husband. i want to attend music festivals. i want stained glass and paintings to fill my home. i want to host fabulous dinner parties every month for my friends without ever having to worry about budget and schedule issues. i want to get out of here and rescue my cotton from the laundromat across the road. i want hardwood floors. i want to go to scotland instead of pennsic, and ireland instead of scotland. i want a cabinet stocked with premium single malt scotches not generally available in north america. i want to spend a month on safari in kenya before all the animals are gone. i want a rock from the moon. i want my mommy.