Shame and voicelessness
"Shame derives its power from being unspeakable... Shame hates having words wrapped around it."
Shame makes us voiceless.
"[...]Shame is the fear of disconnection-it's the fear that something we've done or failed to do, an ideal that we've not lived up to, or a goal that we've not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. 'I'm not worthy or good enough for love, belonging, or connection."
"If you aren't perfect, I will give you up."
"If you don't meet my needs, I will abandon you."
"I am not the perfect daughter/lover/partner/wife, I have failed to meet your needs, therefore I must not be worthy of being loved or lovable. I am a failure."
"Our fight or flight strategies are effective for survival, not for reasoning or connection. And the pain of shame is enough to trigger the survival part of our brain that runs, hides, or comes out swinging. In fact, when I asked the research participants how they normally responded to shame before they started working on shame resilience, I heard many comments like these:
I think we're finally nearing the centre of the earth, a baker's dozen years after the process began. The trick will be making it back to the surface alive with what I know, and how to stay aware of all of this in future, if I do.
Quotes excerpted from Brené Brown's Daring Greatly.
Shame makes us voiceless.
"[...]Shame is the fear of disconnection-it's the fear that something we've done or failed to do, an ideal that we've not lived up to, or a goal that we've not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. 'I'm not worthy or good enough for love, belonging, or connection."
"If you aren't perfect, I will give you up."
"If you don't meet my needs, I will abandon you."
"I am not the perfect daughter/lover/partner/wife, I have failed to meet your needs, therefore I must not be worthy of being loved or lovable. I am a failure."
"Our fight or flight strategies are effective for survival, not for reasoning or connection. And the pain of shame is enough to trigger the survival part of our brain that runs, hides, or comes out swinging. In fact, when I asked the research participants how they normally responded to shame before they started working on shame resilience, I heard many comments like these:
- When I feel shame, I'm like a crazy person. I do stuff and say stuff I would normally never do or say.
- Sometimes I just wish I could make other people feel as bad as I do. I just want to lash out and scream at everyone.
- I get desparate when I feel shame. Like I have nowhere to turn-no one to talk to.
- When I feel ashamed, I check out mentally and emotionally. Even with my family. "
I think we're finally nearing the centre of the earth, a baker's dozen years after the process began. The trick will be making it back to the surface alive with what I know, and how to stay aware of all of this in future, if I do.
Quotes excerpted from Brené Brown's Daring Greatly.