My Soul In You
Title: My Soul In You
Length: Chapter 4a/?
Rate: R
Beta:
takelo14 (thank you so much for your help dear. you're awesome ^^)
Pairing: Yunjae
Warning: character death, psychological
Summary:
Who didn’t know that Yunho’s affection for Jaejoong was eternal. Even the death wasn’t able to separate them. Their love was too strong to be true. Yunho wasn’t able to survive without Jaejoong, and so was Jaejoong. Yet, it was about the destiny, deciding the way the Yunjae love story would run, and how they were able to get through the most difficult challenge they had to face.
Chapter 1 || Chapter 2 || Chapter 3
***
Chapter 4
I shut the door behind me, walking in silence, approaching the figure lying on the bed. I stared at Jaejoong for a few seconds, expecting that the body would make at least a single move, but no; Jaejoong still slept and remained silent.
“Junsu will stay here tonight. You must be happy because your brother has come to meet you, right? I’ve told him that you are always with us. I think he’s happy to know you’re still with us,” I said bluntly, sitting beside Jaejoong’s body, scanning the beauty’s pale face. I pondered how I never got bored from always watching Jaejoong, even though Jaejoong never moved, even to smile. Jaejoong was beautiful; the utmost beautiful creature God ever created, the utmost precious present God ever gave to him. The one thing making me wonder was the reason why God made this beautiful creature not move, remaining empty, cold, and silent, while his aura of perfection, kindness, and love always spread around him. Jaejoong even didn’t smile about the new that his brother coming to look after him.
“You know, Junsu really misses you, Jae. You have to wake up and meet him. I know you miss him too,” I whined grabbing the latter’s right palm and holding it tightly, as if transferring the warmth as the other was cold, too cold to be normal.
There was no move. There was no sign Jaejoong would wake up. Jaejoong still laid on his bed, body relaxed, and he looked like lost in his peaceful slumber. Jaejoong looked like he was indulging himself in his sleep, as though he forgot to wake up, not knowing everyone was waiting for him to laugh, to joke, to blabber, to do anything that showed his existence. He sank deeper in his sleep, not requiring himself to wake up so he looked thinner and weaker, as though all his flesh had been lessening.
“Stop pretending you’re asleep, Jae! I know you haven’t left me!” I yelled, standing up abruptly and throwing away Jaejoong’s hand which landed saucily beside his lifeless body. I just stood there, not breathing, not flirting, not moving; and not doing anything. I only stood there like a statue, gazing toward Jaejoong as though glaring at the latter to wake up him.
“Where the heck did you put your ears, huh?! Have you been unable to hear me? Or something has stuck in your ears?” I bellowed. My anger had heaped up in my body, losing my self-control, losing my sanity. And all my effort to scream, to blurt out so much, yet Jaejoong didn’t wake up. The beauty still slept peacefully on his bed, not listening to all anger I released out towards him.
I felt so tired and hopeless, bellowing silently. I sat on the floor, leaning against Jaejoong’s bed. My heart was palpitating with anger, hatred, disappointment, and guilt. I was blaming myself for something I hardly want to admit, for something forbidden to speak up about, for something I regarded as a curse, for something I didn’t want to make up. I was blaming myself for my recklessness, for being not careful, for being so weak toward Jaejoong. I didn’t want to feel this. I didn’t want to be blamed. But the nightmare was coming up toward me. I was being enveloped with the nightmare, breaking off my hope for a bright future with Jaejoong.
I only violated my own thoughts, only made myself suffer even more since there was no possibility I could have lived with Jaejoong, there was no possibility Jaejoong would accompany me ‘till I died -because there would be no Jaejoong in the rest of my life anymore. My life has been emptied. Why did I still withstand this, allaying to stay alive while my other half had gone away? Why didn’t I run after my love?
“I know you haven’t left me, Jae… not yet.” -and I was alive even now. The belief I was keeping in his heart made me stronger, aiding him to get through all this suffering. The belief I kept about Jaejoong, that Jaejoong wouldn’t leave me, made me able to run his life ‘till now, even though there were many violent things I had to face.
***
I tried not to cry, holding up all the sorrow towards people, behaving like a good boy toward them. It’s so funny, because it just made the vitriolic feel inside me rise even more. I almost broke along with this condition. Sometimes, I hated pretending, because it wasn’t really me. After a while, I preferred locking myself to showing up around crowds.
One thing always made me sad was Jaejoong never waking up. Everyday, every time, he just lied on the bed, not eating nor drinking, nor breathing. Did he indulge his slumber that much? He looked so calm, peaceful, and still beautiful even though he didn’t make any single move. But, Joongie was turning thinner recently, more dead.
I isolated myself as I hated to face the people, saying that I had to be strong, courageous, and patient; saying that one day I would find another Jaejoong. I didn’t understand why people had to say that, as though Jaejoong had gone away and was never to come back again. Those people didn’t know anything between me and Jaejoong. I knew Jaejoong was sick, but he promised he wouldn’t leave me. Even if the death picked us up, we would be together -go anywhere as long as we were together. We couldn’t be separated.
I didn’t know why people spread the rumor that Jaejoong had died. Even Junsu and Changmin said it as well. I saw them lying down Jaejoong’s body in the coffin, burying his body beneath the tomb. I was crying, screaming that moment, all hatred and anger that had been sleeping inside me started burning up. I tried assuring them that Jaejoong was still alive. I was shrieking so that they would pull out Jaejoong from the earth. I knew -believed- that Jaejoong was still prominently alive -and I just didn’t understand why people couldn’t see it! Not even did Junsu, his blood brother, know it. Sadly, I couldn’t have saved Jaejoong. I had tried with all my efforts but I just couldn’t. Changmin and some unknown people were holding me, pushed me away from Jaejoong.
I saw Jaejoong buried beneath the tomb, people crying like shit and praying for Jaejoong to barge in Heaven safely. I kept shrieking, trying to get Changmin off of him along with other people, but failed. I could only scream, cursing all of them. I couldn’t think about anything, my mind fogging up. I couldn’t hear anything beside my voice. I was still trying to withstand everything, to save Jaejoong. I didn’t care about myself, about my safety, or my awareness. Those all would be useless if Jaejoong wasn’t with me, wouldn’t function without Jaejoong beside me. I was blinded, feeling like all my world had been taken away. I felt like I was breaking away, turning weaker and weaker, and all my body becoming motionless. I didn’t remember anything after the funeral.
In my unconsciousness, I was still able to hear Changmin shrilling, blaming himself for doing that to me. He said he could understand my feelings, understand my sadness and grief, and how would want to die if he were in my condition -that he would have done the same things as me. Who knew whether it was true or not? If he did, he should know Jaejoong wasn’t dead. Changmin didn’t understand anything about me; he didn’t know what I was feeling. He was merely sympathetic toward me.
“I know it’s hard to believe our utmost beloved has died, hyung,” Changmin, between his sobs and tears while hugging me, said. I wish I were dead at that moment, so I didn’t have to hear those cursed words from Changmin. Why there was no one who believed me? Why didn’t they believe Jaejoong was still alive? -that my angel didn’t die.
I felt so nippy and empty. I needed Jaejoong to muffle me. Those imps took him away from me, burying him along with those disgusting insects. Didn’t they worry that his beauty would be destroyed? I pretended to be unconscious until midnight. I was going to take out my Joongie again and this time, nothing could take us apart.
At that time it was autumn, the weather was rather cold. I was just wearing my coat and gloves warming my palms. The wind blowing stabbed into my body, creeping among the pores of my blood vessels and freezing the blood stream, blowing inside my lungs then squeezing it, clogging my nerves from work properly. The cold wind made my eyes blurred and watery. It was hard to see in front of him properly, but I struggled to save Jaejoong.
Imagining him alone in the coffin: dark and cold; it drove me crazy that time. It was more hurtful than the cold wind freezing my blood. Anger boiled inside me, to judge God, blaming Him because He’d ruined my life, my perfect life. Why He didn’t let me live in peaceful with my only beloved. Was our love that illicit? Was our love that sinful to become true? Or maybe God wanted to see me dying by taking my beloved, was that it?
I loved Jaejoong, and Jaejoong loved me. We loved each other very much. Our love was stronger than everything, even God’s power, and I knew -and I believed- the power of our love could withstand God’s power. I wouldn’t mind breaking His rules as long as it meant Jaejoong and I would be together.
The tomb was muddy. It wasn’t too difficult to dig into Jaejoong’s coffin. It didn’t require too much energy to take it out from the earth. Even, to drag Jaejoong’s coffin to my house didn’t feel that heavy. All of the problems coming up had been faded away by my belief, my happiness, to secure Jaejoong. I said to Jaejoong that no one could have taken him away from me anymore; that I would keep him from those people who had buried him beneath the earth.
Since then, I always locked myself at home. I rarely let people in my house. I rarely went to work. I did my job at home, sending the data via email, asking my assistant to go to the meetings. Shortly after, I never left Jaejoong alone. For me, nothing’s important except Jaejoong. He’s everything to me. There is no me without Jaejoong. Jaejoong must be with me, whatever his condition is, and so will I.
***
a/n: I'm so sorry if this chapter is kinda boring, but I have to post it, to make everything more clearly. I don't know when I'm able to post the next chapter as school will be started two days later, and I have to leave my hometown tomorrow. Hope I'll get a safe flight so I can update the next chapter :p
Length: Chapter 4a/?
Rate: R
Beta:
takelo14 (thank you so much for your help dear. you're awesome ^^)
Pairing: Yunjae
Warning: character death, psychological
Summary:
Who didn’t know that Yunho’s affection for Jaejoong was eternal. Even the death wasn’t able to separate them. Their love was too strong to be true. Yunho wasn’t able to survive without Jaejoong, and so was Jaejoong. Yet, it was about the destiny, deciding the way the Yunjae love story would run, and how they were able to get through the most difficult challenge they had to face.
Chapter 1 || Chapter 2 || Chapter 3
***
Chapter 4
I shut the door behind me, walking in silence, approaching the figure lying on the bed. I stared at Jaejoong for a few seconds, expecting that the body would make at least a single move, but no; Jaejoong still slept and remained silent.
“Junsu will stay here tonight. You must be happy because your brother has come to meet you, right? I’ve told him that you are always with us. I think he’s happy to know you’re still with us,” I said bluntly, sitting beside Jaejoong’s body, scanning the beauty’s pale face. I pondered how I never got bored from always watching Jaejoong, even though Jaejoong never moved, even to smile. Jaejoong was beautiful; the utmost beautiful creature God ever created, the utmost precious present God ever gave to him. The one thing making me wonder was the reason why God made this beautiful creature not move, remaining empty, cold, and silent, while his aura of perfection, kindness, and love always spread around him. Jaejoong even didn’t smile about the new that his brother coming to look after him.
“You know, Junsu really misses you, Jae. You have to wake up and meet him. I know you miss him too,” I whined grabbing the latter’s right palm and holding it tightly, as if transferring the warmth as the other was cold, too cold to be normal.
There was no move. There was no sign Jaejoong would wake up. Jaejoong still laid on his bed, body relaxed, and he looked like lost in his peaceful slumber. Jaejoong looked like he was indulging himself in his sleep, as though he forgot to wake up, not knowing everyone was waiting for him to laugh, to joke, to blabber, to do anything that showed his existence. He sank deeper in his sleep, not requiring himself to wake up so he looked thinner and weaker, as though all his flesh had been lessening.
“Stop pretending you’re asleep, Jae! I know you haven’t left me!” I yelled, standing up abruptly and throwing away Jaejoong’s hand which landed saucily beside his lifeless body. I just stood there, not breathing, not flirting, not moving; and not doing anything. I only stood there like a statue, gazing toward Jaejoong as though glaring at the latter to wake up him.
“Where the heck did you put your ears, huh?! Have you been unable to hear me? Or something has stuck in your ears?” I bellowed. My anger had heaped up in my body, losing my self-control, losing my sanity. And all my effort to scream, to blurt out so much, yet Jaejoong didn’t wake up. The beauty still slept peacefully on his bed, not listening to all anger I released out towards him.
I felt so tired and hopeless, bellowing silently. I sat on the floor, leaning against Jaejoong’s bed. My heart was palpitating with anger, hatred, disappointment, and guilt. I was blaming myself for something I hardly want to admit, for something forbidden to speak up about, for something I regarded as a curse, for something I didn’t want to make up. I was blaming myself for my recklessness, for being not careful, for being so weak toward Jaejoong. I didn’t want to feel this. I didn’t want to be blamed. But the nightmare was coming up toward me. I was being enveloped with the nightmare, breaking off my hope for a bright future with Jaejoong.
I only violated my own thoughts, only made myself suffer even more since there was no possibility I could have lived with Jaejoong, there was no possibility Jaejoong would accompany me ‘till I died -because there would be no Jaejoong in the rest of my life anymore. My life has been emptied. Why did I still withstand this, allaying to stay alive while my other half had gone away? Why didn’t I run after my love?
“I know you haven’t left me, Jae… not yet.” -and I was alive even now. The belief I was keeping in his heart made me stronger, aiding him to get through all this suffering. The belief I kept about Jaejoong, that Jaejoong wouldn’t leave me, made me able to run his life ‘till now, even though there were many violent things I had to face.
***
I tried not to cry, holding up all the sorrow towards people, behaving like a good boy toward them. It’s so funny, because it just made the vitriolic feel inside me rise even more. I almost broke along with this condition. Sometimes, I hated pretending, because it wasn’t really me. After a while, I preferred locking myself to showing up around crowds.
One thing always made me sad was Jaejoong never waking up. Everyday, every time, he just lied on the bed, not eating nor drinking, nor breathing. Did he indulge his slumber that much? He looked so calm, peaceful, and still beautiful even though he didn’t make any single move. But, Joongie was turning thinner recently, more dead.
I isolated myself as I hated to face the people, saying that I had to be strong, courageous, and patient; saying that one day I would find another Jaejoong. I didn’t understand why people had to say that, as though Jaejoong had gone away and was never to come back again. Those people didn’t know anything between me and Jaejoong. I knew Jaejoong was sick, but he promised he wouldn’t leave me. Even if the death picked us up, we would be together -go anywhere as long as we were together. We couldn’t be separated.
I didn’t know why people spread the rumor that Jaejoong had died. Even Junsu and Changmin said it as well. I saw them lying down Jaejoong’s body in the coffin, burying his body beneath the tomb. I was crying, screaming that moment, all hatred and anger that had been sleeping inside me started burning up. I tried assuring them that Jaejoong was still alive. I was shrieking so that they would pull out Jaejoong from the earth. I knew -believed- that Jaejoong was still prominently alive -and I just didn’t understand why people couldn’t see it! Not even did Junsu, his blood brother, know it. Sadly, I couldn’t have saved Jaejoong. I had tried with all my efforts but I just couldn’t. Changmin and some unknown people were holding me, pushed me away from Jaejoong.
I saw Jaejoong buried beneath the tomb, people crying like shit and praying for Jaejoong to barge in Heaven safely. I kept shrieking, trying to get Changmin off of him along with other people, but failed. I could only scream, cursing all of them. I couldn’t think about anything, my mind fogging up. I couldn’t hear anything beside my voice. I was still trying to withstand everything, to save Jaejoong. I didn’t care about myself, about my safety, or my awareness. Those all would be useless if Jaejoong wasn’t with me, wouldn’t function without Jaejoong beside me. I was blinded, feeling like all my world had been taken away. I felt like I was breaking away, turning weaker and weaker, and all my body becoming motionless. I didn’t remember anything after the funeral.
In my unconsciousness, I was still able to hear Changmin shrilling, blaming himself for doing that to me. He said he could understand my feelings, understand my sadness and grief, and how would want to die if he were in my condition -that he would have done the same things as me. Who knew whether it was true or not? If he did, he should know Jaejoong wasn’t dead. Changmin didn’t understand anything about me; he didn’t know what I was feeling. He was merely sympathetic toward me.
“I know it’s hard to believe our utmost beloved has died, hyung,” Changmin, between his sobs and tears while hugging me, said. I wish I were dead at that moment, so I didn’t have to hear those cursed words from Changmin. Why there was no one who believed me? Why didn’t they believe Jaejoong was still alive? -that my angel didn’t die.
I felt so nippy and empty. I needed Jaejoong to muffle me. Those imps took him away from me, burying him along with those disgusting insects. Didn’t they worry that his beauty would be destroyed? I pretended to be unconscious until midnight. I was going to take out my Joongie again and this time, nothing could take us apart.
At that time it was autumn, the weather was rather cold. I was just wearing my coat and gloves warming my palms. The wind blowing stabbed into my body, creeping among the pores of my blood vessels and freezing the blood stream, blowing inside my lungs then squeezing it, clogging my nerves from work properly. The cold wind made my eyes blurred and watery. It was hard to see in front of him properly, but I struggled to save Jaejoong.
Imagining him alone in the coffin: dark and cold; it drove me crazy that time. It was more hurtful than the cold wind freezing my blood. Anger boiled inside me, to judge God, blaming Him because He’d ruined my life, my perfect life. Why He didn’t let me live in peaceful with my only beloved. Was our love that illicit? Was our love that sinful to become true? Or maybe God wanted to see me dying by taking my beloved, was that it?
I loved Jaejoong, and Jaejoong loved me. We loved each other very much. Our love was stronger than everything, even God’s power, and I knew -and I believed- the power of our love could withstand God’s power. I wouldn’t mind breaking His rules as long as it meant Jaejoong and I would be together.
The tomb was muddy. It wasn’t too difficult to dig into Jaejoong’s coffin. It didn’t require too much energy to take it out from the earth. Even, to drag Jaejoong’s coffin to my house didn’t feel that heavy. All of the problems coming up had been faded away by my belief, my happiness, to secure Jaejoong. I said to Jaejoong that no one could have taken him away from me anymore; that I would keep him from those people who had buried him beneath the earth.
Since then, I always locked myself at home. I rarely let people in my house. I rarely went to work. I did my job at home, sending the data via email, asking my assistant to go to the meetings. Shortly after, I never left Jaejoong alone. For me, nothing’s important except Jaejoong. He’s everything to me. There is no me without Jaejoong. Jaejoong must be with me, whatever his condition is, and so will I.
***
a/n: I'm so sorry if this chapter is kinda boring, but I have to post it, to make everything more clearly. I don't know when I'm able to post the next chapter as school will be started two days later, and I have to leave my hometown tomorrow. Hope I'll get a safe flight so I can update the next chapter :p