On Welcoming

[mrissa]

We have been talking a lot, around my house, about welcoming, about conventions and communities and welcoming people into them. I keep saying a thing that sounds tautological and yet strikes me as important, which is: if you don’t welcome people, they will not feel welcome. Welcoming is a thing that someone has to do. It does not spring up of

Comments

[sam_t]

'I have seen advice that to be “charming,” you should introduce people you have just met as “my new friend.”'

Eeek. This would result in me being stiffly polite just long enough to get away without causing a fuss.

[shark_hat]

One thing that's probably a good idea, but included a bit that intersected badly with my brain: a "First time at this con?" panel (early on the first day of the con); I can't remember much of what it covered, but it was partly so newbies could meet each other, and had some tea/coffee at the back of the room so you could chat at the end, and it was probably mostly very sensible practical advice

[mrissa]

I think this is one of the things that requires very careful tone/body language.

I also think that there is a certain "pull up your socks! it's all what you make it!" attitude among some circles of long-time con-goers that is not at all helpful. Particularly the ones who have idealized their first con experience and/or did not go alone.

This extends into other volunteer efforts around cons and in other places: "you get out what you put in" is just not true. It's just completely not true. It's very self-serving, and it's often used to squash people who want change. There are times when a person is willing to volunteer extensively and is not permitted to do so because it goes counter to what more established people want out of their situation. (Sometimes this is externally probably the right thing, too! But sometimes really not, and it doesn't change the fact that "volunteer and make it better" or "you get out what you put in" do not always work.) (It is true that sitting back and wishing for things to happen hardly ever works

[vcmw]

Looking through your post and comments, I see mentioned interpersonal skills, specific actions, print information, and physical spaces (like the con suite, the water table, etc.). I think along with these, time and scheduling (both of space/events and of people) also affect how welcoming a space/event is

[mrissa]

And it's a fine line to walk, because if you leave too large a gap, people get bored and wander off to do their own thing instead of continuing with programming, and the people who don't have an "own thing" to do feel more lost. But with not enough of a gap, all the stuff you've talked about ensues. So: close calculations really.

[vcmw]

Definitely a tricky balance. And hard too I think because that open time is exactly when people feeling lonely/awkward feel the loneliest and awkwardest, if they're not getting welcomed?

[mrissa]

Yes, that's when you find them rereading the programming schedule intently, getting themselves yet another cup of water, etc.

[landofnowhere]

From the perspective of a young academic who has recently been thinking about how to make her department more welcoming to undergrads, and also has experienced a lot of welcoming experiences due to having just moved this fall, I'd just like to say that this is really helpful and awesome, thanks!

[mrissa]

Hurrah!

[cloudscudding]

I realized that something that works really well to make me feel welcomed is an invitation to something non-immediate. A line instead of a single point, as it were. So there's the "contact point" welcome, and the "future invitation" welcome, and in-between the two, there's feeling welcomed. For example, if I talk to somebody and then they invite me to join them for tea later in the day, I feel more welcome than if they invite me to join them for tea right then.

Conclusion: I am weird.

[mrissa]

No, I don't think that's just you.

Here's why: if you're invited along to something immediately, that can be very pleasant, but it doesn't actually signal that the person wants to spend time with you as much. It could just as easily be, "Oh, you might as well come along," as, "I will make extra effort to spend time with you." It's the difference between knowing that someone doesn't find you completely odious and knowing that they actually want to do something with you, even if it's just to get to know you enough better to find out if you can be real friends.

[nenya_kanadka]

You're definitely not alone. I hadn't thought of it that way, but this is definitely true for me as well. As well as the person signalling that they're actually interested in spending time with you, it also immediately gives you two points of contact with them--right now and later on. Like you said, a line, and a short line can be extended to a longer one. Getting over the inertia to get the ball rolling (to pick a different metaphor) can really help.