Comments | mount_ordeals: They Never Met Again ;; #51

sargent_snarky in mount_ordeals

They Never Met Again ;; #51 - Time ;; Lunarians

May 24, 2009 05:46

Title: They Never Met Again
Fandom: FFIV
Theme + Number: #51 - Time
Claim: Lunarians; challenge
Characters/Pairings: Cecil, Kain, (Rosa mentioned)
Rating: K
Warnings: Old age + death
Summary: Kain was seventy-nine when Rosa died, and he was at peace. Cecil was seventy-eight, but it only showed in his eyes, and he had to leave.

( They Never Met Again )

Comments 7

ovo_lexa May 24 2009, 19:23:30 UTC

Some of your comma placements and word choices are weird. Dunno if they're technically incorrect, but they kinda parse funky. Could also be me. O.o

Anyhow, mostly I'm here to say that I like the focus on Lunarian aging, or rather the reverse thereof. :D

sargent_snarky May 24 2009, 20:08:23 UTC

Haha, thank you! ^__^ Yeah, I always figured that the Lunarians had quite extended lifespans, given the way they talk about Zemus like FuSoYa sealed him up a lifetime ago. So, wouldn't half-bloods have similar issues?

As for the commas, I know I've a habit of putting commas everywhere they /technically speaking/ should go (though stylistically speaking, it's often better to omit some of the commas for the sake of flow), which leads to their placements sometimes being... jarring, I suppose? It's a habit I've been trying without success to break myself of.

As for word choice, are there any in particular that jump out at you? I'm simply asking so I know if there are points of my writing that are confusing or odd so perhaps I can improve in the future.

Once again, thank you!

ovo_lexa May 26 2009, 23:03:32 UTC

I'm all for Lunarians getting any love at all. Lunarians getting love with meta flavor is like... some... glorious ice cream extravaganza, with various flavors of delicious mint.

But yeah, I agree that they're likely to have pretty long lifespans. And I don't see where the kids would be much different. \o/

For commas, the only ones that hit me as strange were like: Of course, technically Rosa had not been queen, anymore. Where I'm not sure why anymore is not part of the preceding clause, and therefore distracted. But other than being distracted by the odd one out, I'm all for commas. Commas for everyone!

The two words that struck me as odd are, 1) where Rosa had been (placed) and 2) the (pallid), white-haired man.

For 1, I think interred might be a better word. Placed just seems very... I don't know, maybe informal for such a situation?

For 2, pallid is kinda weighted to me. I always read a sickly color, rather than say, a particularly pale individual. Although Cecil is mourning his wife there, so perhaps it was ( ... )

sargent_snarky May 31 2009, 20:29:52 UTC

Forgive me for the long delay in replying. Life's been hectic. =)

Haha - I like that analogy. =) But... I'm not sure I know what meta-ing is. I mean, I can hazard a guess, based on what I've seen it applied to, but I'm still a bit shaky on the definition. Could you please enlighten me? ^__^;

And hmm. That comma I imagine I put in because I always try to separate indications of time from the rest of the sentence, though I see what you mean, there.

And... ooh. Interred is definitely a better word there. I never thought of that. Thanks!

And as for pallid, well... I've always thought of Cecil as pallid, especially with the DS artwork. His lips are blue, after all. But I see what you mean.

Thank you so much for pointing these things out!

salarta May 26 2009, 15:50:10 UTC

I happen to like this. With the exception of the LJ fandom for FF4, it seems that the majority of people don't understand Rosa's true value within the game. Your piece manages to bring that out without actually including her in the story. Sad as the events are, I feel you showed a bit of beauty to the dynamic the three have.

sargent_snarky May 31 2009, 20:23:47 UTC

Sorry for taking so long to reply, here. Life has been busy.^^;

Anyway, thank you very much! And yes, I know what you mean; I hate seeing the mindless Rosa-bashing. =/ And the Cecil-Rosa-Kain dynamic is one of my favorite parts of the game, too.

I'm very glad you liked this. =) Thanks, again!

anima_mecanique June 10 2009, 20:49:23 UTC

This is probably my favorite fic of yours so far...I hadn't actually thought about whether or not Cecil's physiology would be different from a normal human, and seeing a story that dealt with it was an interesting surprise. I also liked your characterization of Kain...and quite frankly it's REALLY hard to get me to like Kain :)

Very sad, very effective. Excellent work!