What do you tell a friend?

[morin]

What do you tell a friend who is gay, claims to be disguasted by homosexual physical acts*, and never told anyone but you about this?

* Raised in a Jewish religious house.

Comments

definitions

[zarqoun]

I think the answer lies within your friend's definitions:
What does gay mean?
How is he disgusted?
and most importantly, What is considered a homosexual physical act?

I have a family member who is gay, and when I talked to him once about the subject he told me that he was disgusted by the way that when an average straight person thinks about homosexuals' physical acts he immediately thinks about anal penetration - that is SUCH a misconception. Sex can come in so many ways (no puns intended). And who said anything about sex anyway?! what about homosexual love? I believe that's WAY more important.

About the Jewish religious upbringing (and still dwelling in these areas I assume?) - I believe there are just as many gay people in that sector as there are anywhere in the world - he will have company (covert, but still company)

Redefine

[stinkeysoul]

"When an average straight person thinks about homosexuals' physical acts he immediately thinks about anal penetration - that is SUCH a misconception."

Why is that a SUCH a misconception? that suggests you do see one man penetrating another as something disgusting. There's nothing wrong with taking it up the ass, even if it's not the essence of homosexulity, and even if love is more important and relevant. Most homos experience anal sex more often than they do love (that is, if they're lucky to ever experience love, and to have any kind of sex on any kind of regular basis).

My guess is that it's just as true for the straight folk.

[avgboojie]

First, to go seek professional help. This conflict is bad not only because it is, well, a conflict, but also because it touches on self hate that needs resolving.

And second - habit reduces disgust. Many people raised in religious homes (or even masorti - I've known many among my childhood friends) are disgusted at first by regular intercourse as well, and by everything involved, such as the genitalia. This is a habit of thought more than anything else, and requires getting used to. The more a person is exposed to said stimuli, and in good ways, the more that person learns to accept them and the levels of disgust diminish, more or less what's called "systematic desensitization" in the professional lingo. I'd say a good place to start would be mildly erotic gay fiction, of the "nice" type, not the "life is a disgusting pile of crap and being gay is all about being a lonely person leading a life of meaningless sexual encounters" type.

But again: seek help. Such a person is probably plagued by masses of self loathing, which really need

[morin]

I don't know if he'll agree to see help. Do you have names of gay-friendly psychologists? Or where I can find such a list?

[avgboojie]

Sorry, I'm no longer in those circles. I would assume the Aguda should have such info.

[eumelia]

Ouch.

I'd probably, in the most gentle way possible, ask him what he would like me to do with the information? And go from there. Has he already told you what he'd like you to do with the information?

[morin]

His precise wording was "Please don't tell anyone" (non of my readers know him, so I take this advice asking to be okay). Also, he claimed incest and homosexuality are the same, and was much relieved when I stated what differences I see. I told him I don't think it's disguasting at all, I think he needed to hear it from someone who meant it.

[lukkke]

דבר ראשון - כמו שהציעו כאן, עזרה מקצועית (דרך האגודה או וואטאבר).
דבר שני - העובדה שאדם מגדיר עצמו כהומוסקסואל, אינה מחייבת אותו (סליחה על הישירות) למין אנאלי. יש גוונים וצדדים רבים של אהבה בין גברים, והסטיגמות אינן מחייבות בשום צורה. הידעת למשל שאוסקר ווילד (האמ-אמא של ההומואים) סלד ממשכבי זכר?

[yael_cwen]

Would a conversation with people with the same problem can help?

I have a friend who is also gay and volunteers on Hillel organization. I am sure he knows people who are also both gay and religious. Maybe a conversation with them might help.

[morin]

I think it might. If you know a blog of someone who faced the same problem, I'd appreciate it. Directly talking about it with a stranger may be too difficult for him right now.
Thanks.

I can send him a link to this entry

[yael_cwen]

Ask for his opinion. I don't know any blog, but maybe he does. He surely has some experience with these problems.

Is it ok with you?

[morin]

Sure. No revealing details about the person, so no problem.