Eternity's Sunrise
I was on top of the world.
Well, not exactly, but I was pretty close.
I took a step forward to look down at the ground below me, being sure to stay far back enough on the rocky cliff so I wouldn’t fall. Yet it seemed like I couldn’t possibly fall today. Any other day, I could, but not today.
It was about 6AM and it was still pretty dark outside so it has hard to see much of anything below me, let alone my own hand.
The old adage, Forgive and forget, rang through my mind as I sat down cross-legged at the edge of the hard, rocky cliff. Some rocks jabbed my legs, but I felt no pain. I felt numb as usual, but it was a different kind of numb. I didn’t feel emotionlessly-numb, but rather invincible-numb. This was a new feeling to me and I embraced it.
Twenty-seven years ago, my mother had died giving birth to me. As I got older, I began to hate myself more and more for her death. I had seen her in pictures, so young, so beautiful, so loving. “She was a wonderful person in every way,” my father would explain. “She would have loved you.”
And I used to think, “How could she love a monster like me? I killed her to bring myself to life. What kind of person am I?” Even if it was unintentional, I constantly beat myself up for it. Even when I was in elementary school, I remember I had thought of myself as an alien, bursting through my mother’s stomach. I always felt isolated and lonely, but after my father’s death when I was eighteen, I had never felt so alone.
That same year, I had been walking down the block I grew up on, with my hands in my pockets and my eyes glued to the concrete below me.
That was the moment when I ran into my first true friend, Lucy
The wind ruffled my black hair, blowing it softly out of my eyes, pulling me into the present and allowing me to see that the blues of the sky had been lightened, mixing with soft lilacs and pinks.
She was the one that had kept me alive. I was dead, but breathing. She kept my heart beating and my lungs moving. My heart beat for her.
I had gone into a serious state of depression for years, not talking to anyone, not seeing anyone. It had gotten to the point where I could hardly leave my house except for work.
She had always cared for me. I always made sure I was healthy, for her. I never did anything drastic because I was afraid of how she would react. I didn’t want to make her unhappy as well. I had loved my mother, our short bond during those nine months sticking with me for all of my twenty-seven years. I had slowly learned to love Lucy as well, but that was what scared me so much. I couldn’t hurt the only other woman I had ever loved.
I began distancing myself from her and I had a feeling she knew why. She was very perceptive, always seemed to know what was going through my mind.
I had only been getting worse and worse until last week, when she finally sat down with me on the couch and began to say everything she ever wanted to say.
“Brian, you can’t keep hiding yourself away,” she said firmly, her hard, blue eyes staring directly into my brown ones. “I know why you are. It’s not your fault.”
“Of course it’s my fault,” I snapped back. “And you shouldn’t be talking to me. You’ll probably end up dead, too.”
“Why do you say things like that?” Lucy asked, but I had mostly been paying attention to the tears forming in her eyes. “Why do you always put yourself down like that? You’re not a monster, Brian.”
“I am,” I objected. “And the best thing is for us is for me to stay away from you. I can’t keep doing this. I’m the most depressing person to be around. Why are you even here now?”
“Because I enjoy spending time with you!” She stood up then, her head snapping back at me quicker than I would have thought. “I just wished you knew how great of a person you were.” She sniffed. “I do.”
That was the moment I realized that my assumptions were correct; she was in love with me. Perhaps not as much as I loved her, but she loved me.
That scared me more than anything.
“You don’t understand,” I told her. “I don’t deserve to be with you.” In all eternity, Lucy would be the last person I ever deserved. She deserved the best guy on Earth, not me. “I will hurt you.”
“You have it all wrong,” she replied, shaking her head softly as a tear ran down her cheek. See? I had already made her cry. Who was to say I wouldn’t do anything worse? “You could never hurt me. Can’t you just forgive and forget?”
Her words angered me even more-hadn’t she seen that she was in love with a monster? I did and I had to stop it. “Lucy, you have to leave. Now.”
She turned her head to me, confused and surprised as her mouth formed the shape of an “O.” But she asked no more questions. She solemnly walked out the door with her head hanging low.
The week after that conversation was seemingly the most miserable I had even been in my life. I had never been that depressed. All I had left of my best friend was a memory. I couldn’t comprehend what she saw in me then. I was just a man with fear in my heart and simple things that I couldn’t understand in my mind.
I spent those days lifeless, pacing about in my bedroom for an answer. I desperately wanted to be selfish and be close to her, be with her at all times, but I couldn’t ruin her life, too. She had a great life ahead of her and I couldn’t be the one to ruin her perfect future.
Yesterday, seven days after the incident, I was pacing about in my house when, suddenly, I decided to visit my attic. I don’t remember what summoned me to go up there, but I listened to my gut and ascended the stairs to the dusty, dirty attic.
I had spent the day looking through old photos of my mother and my father together. They were so carefree in their pictures. The look on their smiling faces reminded me of a picture of Lucy and me I had in my bedroom. I remembered the moment perfectly-we had been laughing about absolutely nothing, and the day was definitely one of the best to be remembered. I had felt so free that day, so lighthearted. Just like I felt right now, on the cliff and looking ahead into the sky.
My eyes had locked on one picture in particular of Lucy and me. We were on this exact cliff and the picture was just of us smiling. They weren’t forced smiles. My mouth was almost aching after that day-I had never done as much smiling as I did then-but it was all worth it. I felt a large amount of joy looking at that picture, but a grieving sadness as well. I wanted to be like my parents, happy and carefree. I wanted to forgive and forget. I wanted to forgive myself for what I had done. My father had always said my mother would never regret having me, so why did I regret my own life? Especially when I had Lucy. Emphasis on the had.
I had dropped everything on the floor, not bothering to pick it up, and ran to Lucy’s house. It was midnight-technically today-but I knew she would let me in if I knocked.
“What are you doing here?” she asked in a shaky voice as I examined the red blotches on her nose and eyes.
Without thinking, I quickly pressed my lips to hers, holding her soft face in my hands as I threw every emotion at once into our first kiss.
When we finally broke away, I said simply, “That,” as if the one word described everything.
But her face lit up like a child on Christmas morning. That face would forever be in my memory.
I had stayed at her house for a few hours, just talking to her about everything I had learned in my attic, before deciding that it would be best for me to head home. I had never felt so excited in my entire life.
Now here I was, at six in the morning, on a rocky cliff just thinking to myself. It may seem weird, but not in my mind. If I was on the top of the world, why not take the words literally and go as high as I could?
I grabbed a rock from beneath my palm and clutched it tightly before throwing it as far as possible over the edge. I felt my heart racing slightly faster at the exhilaration.
I grabbed another rock and stood up, pulling my arm back farther to throw the rock farther. It went farther.
Staring out at the world, I noticed the blues had become brighter, blending with the purples and pinks in a more extravagant way. I was watching a sunrise.
My eternity was over. I was able to start completely new, just like the sun. I was able to experience the sunrise in myself.