Fic: Let Me Love You (Luke/Noah)
Title: Let Me Love You
Characters/Pairing: Luke/Noah
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Word Count: ~7,100 words
Warnings: None, I think
Summary: Luke loves college, there’s just one problem: He’s in love with his roommate, Noah - who seems completely uninterested in anything other than friendship.
Author’s Note: Written for nukebigbang's Summerfest 2013. I hope this is something along the lines of what the prompter wanted! Apologies for no beta - unfortunately I ran out of time.
Original prompt: Luke and Noah are roommates (at Oakdale U or Columbia, up to you). Luke doesn't know much about Noah but Noah knows everything about Luke. One day, Luke goes snooping and comes across this picture of Noah. What does he do next?
He’s four years old when she dies.
He doesn’t understand it. Suddenly she’s just gone, and no one really explains to him what’s going on. He overhears people saying she’s dead in mumbled conversations, but what does that mean, exactly? How long is she gone for?
He tries asking his father, but is told not to talk about her. His father’s voice is cold and his face looks even harder and scarier than usual, and Noah doesn’t dare repeat his questions. What if he gets pushed into the wall again? He got really scared the last time it happened, and it hurt, too.
He misses her. She was the one who put him to bed at night, who read him stories. She was the one who smiled at him and told him that he was smart and clever. She was the one who protected him when his father was being scary.
He doesn’t understand any of it.
####
When he’s seventeen he gets kicked out of the house.
It all happens so fast that he doesn’t really get the chance to comprehend what’s going on. One minute he’s kissing his friend Nate up in his room, his first kiss ever with a guy, and it’s the most amazing thing Noah’s ever felt. The next his father has grabbed his arm and is pulling him out of the room and down the stairs, his grip so strong on Noah’s arm that it’s surely going to leave bruises. He pushes Noah out the front door, Nate looking pale and terrified as he follows behind them.
“You’re not my son anymore, you hear me?” his dad yells. “You’re not setting foot in this house again.”
The door slams shut before Noah gets the chance to speak. Quite frankly he’s too shocked to even get a word out.
He’s never been close with his father. But he’s all Noah has.
Now there’s nothing left.
####
He’s twenty years old when he gets his heart broken. Or more like trampled on.
He really thinks that Josh might be the one. Josh is older and experienced, confident and outgoing. He’s everything that Noah is not. Noah loves him.
He and Josh are together for more than a year. Josh is his first everything - first boyfriend, first lover, first love. Josh can only meet him at certain times during the week, but Noah doesn’t question it. Love is blind, they say.
When Noah finally, after spending days working up the courage, broaches the topic of possibly moving in together, Josh looks at him as if he’s crazy.
“We can’t live together,” he says. “I have a wife and kids at home. I thought you knew that. I’m sorry if I made you think that this is more serious than it is.”
Noah feels as if the ground disappears beneath his feet.
####
He promises himself never to care again. They all leave him and hurt him, and what’s the point? He’s not putting himself through it again.
He has sex instead. He likes sex - it makes him feel good, makes him feel wanted, if only for a little while.
He never goes to bed with the same guy twice, though. He’s not getting attached.
####
Then Luke Snyder comes along. And it all becomes a lot more difficult.
####
College life turns out to be everything that Luke Snyder had hoped for, and more.
He loves his classes, and his professors are, mostly, really great. He’s making new friends and is no longer the only out gay guy around, which feels amazingly liberating. He hadn’t been completely sure if going to Oakdale U was the right choice for him - it felt like maybe he should have taken the opportunity to see more of the world, detached himself more from his family and his hometown. He wondered if he should have chosen a bolder path, instead of the safety and familiarity of Oakdale.
But it felt right. And he figures there’ll be plenty of opportunities to see the world later.
At least he finally moved out of his parents’ house. Instead he moved to the dorms, and got a really, really amazing roommate.
However, the roommate situation has also become a bit of a problem, because Noah Mayer isn’t just Luke’s roommate. He’s also quickly becoming his best friend.
And then, of course, Luke had to go and fall crazily in love with him.
And that is pretty much the most stupid and pathetic thing ever.
####
Noah had been a huge surprise to Luke, who had not expected his new roommate to be quite so… hot. Noah has a tall, lean body and really soft-looking dark hair, and his smile is possibly the nicest smile that Luke has ever seen.
But the most attractive thing about him is that he doesn’t seem to have the slightest idea about how gorgeous he is. There’s a really cute shyness about him, and a politeness that Luke finds utterly charming.
The best thing of all? Noah is actually gay.
(Luke may have done a little happy dance upon learning that.)
Luke can hardly believe his luck.
####
There might not have been love at first sight but there was definitely a whole lot of mutual attraction. So much attraction that they hooked up within the first week of knowing each other.
It’s completely unplanned. Luke never thought he was the type of person who’d jump into bed with a guy he’s only just met, but that’s what he does. He supposes it’s unavoidable - the chemistry between them is palpable from the start, and then they come home from a party one night, both pleasantly tipsy and with very few inhibitions.
The door to their room is barely closed behind them before they’re all over each other, everything urgent and hot and intense and well, amazing. Afterwards they fall asleep in each other’s arms, and Luke knows that he’s never felt so connected to another guy before. Not that he has a whole lot to base his experience on, but this… this is special.
It feels like… like maybe he’s finally found what he’s been looking for.
####
Then the morning after comes. And Luke’s hope is crushed.
Noah throws one look at Luke and then he bolts out of the bed as if he’s been burned. He quickly gathers his clothes, his eyes shifting uncomfortably and looking anywhere but at Luke. Once he’s found all of his clothes he mumbles something unintelligible and disappears into the bathroom.
Luke sits motionless in bed and just stares at him, speechless and confused.
####
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Noah’s feelings about their night together are quite different than Luke’s. Luke feels a bit stupid for thinking that this could be the start of something more. Clearly that’s not how it’s going to be.
He feels like a kid who got smacked on the fingers just as he was reaching for the cookie jar.
Later that day they talk, and it’s one of the most awkward conversations Luke has ever had. They’ve only known each other for a few days and it’s just difficult to know the right way to go about it, not to mention the fact that it’s just uncomfortable to have this kind of conversation at all. Especially with someone you’re forced to have some kind of relationship with, and you still don’t know what type of relationship that will be.
Luke is the one who starts off the conversation. His ego feels bruised, his confidence a little broken, but he’s determined to get through this.
“So… last night,” he begins tentatively. “I know it wasn’t planned. And I’m guessing you aren’t… thrilled about it.”
Noah looks at him for a moment, the first time he’s met Luke’s eyes since that morning. He quickly looks away again. “Yeah, I… I think last night was a mistake.”
Right. As expected as that was, Luke can’t help that it still feels like a punch in the gut.
“I mean,” Noah hurries to continue, like he’s realizing that his words might have sounded a bit harsh. It’s that politeness again. “Last night was great. Really. But… we’re roommates, Luke. And that means that we can’t do… that.”
Why, Luke wants to ask. But he doesn’t. Instead he forces a smile.
“I know,” he says.
Noah looks relieved. “I’m not looking for a relationship or anything like that,” he says with an excuse in his voice.
“It’s okay,” Luke tells him, even though it doesn’t feel okay. “I understand.”
“Okay.” Noah smiles tentatively. “Good to know we’re on the same page.”
Luke forces his fake smile wider. “Absolutely.”
And that’s it. They don’t talk about it again.
Luke just wishes he could keep his thoughts from wandering and his heart from being so ridiculous.
####
Instead of starting a relationship they become best friends.
Not right away of course - it happens gradually. But they really do get along exceptionally well. And it’s really great, being best friends with your roommate. It means there’s always someone around to talk to, to hang out with, to watch bad TV with or complain to about the insane workload the professors are giving them.
What’s less great is being secretly in love with him.
That’s just… sad and stupid and exhausting and frustrating and kind of pathetic really, because he feels like he should have been able to get over it. And he’s not.
And then he always has to pretend around Noah, let him think that Luke doesn’t see him as anything other than a friend, which is especially difficult when Noah comes home in the middle of the night or even the next morning, and Luke knows that he’s been with a guy. Noah doesn’t say much about it, but Luke knows Noah now, knows that he does that sometimes, and Luke can’t help it - it hurts. It hurts to think about Noah with anyone other than Luke. Luke doesn’t think he’s actually dating anyone, but thinking about him having sex with someone else is bad enough. Luke knows how amazing it is to be with Noah that way.
Of course, Noah is no different than any normal guy in his early twenties. Well, apart from Luke. It’s not that Luke hasn’t ever hooked up with guys, even before he met Noah, but it’s just not what he wants. He wants to be with one guy, to be in love and be loved in return. If that makes him a hopeless, sappy romantic, then so be it.
However, he may occasionally pretend that his sex life is a bit more active than it really is. He doesn’t want Noah to think he’s a complete loser.
####
Luke learns early on that Noah is a reserved person. He’s quiet and shy before you really get to know him, but Luke’s glad he gets the chance to discover that Noah really is the most amazing person to be around once you get to know him.
Eventually, though, it starts to bother Luke that he doesn’t know more about Noah.
Ever since the beginning of their friendship Luke has shared a lot about himself. He’s told Noah about his family, his growing up, his coming out, the ups and downs he’s gone through in his life and just… pretty much everything else there is to tell. Noah is a very easy person to share things with. He’s so easy to talk to and he’s always willing to listen.
Unfortunately Noah doesn’t seem to feel the same way about Luke.
Noah doesn’t really tell Luke anything about himself. Luke knows nothing about his family (apart from the fact that he supposedly has a father out there somewhere), he knows nothing about Noah’s childhood or how he grew up, nothing about his friends from before Luke met him, nothing about his past boyfriends. Nothing. And true, Noah is a private person. But it’s getting to the point now where Luke is starting to think that Noah must be hiding something.
Luke’s tried, on more than one occasion, to get Noah to talk. He’s asked discreet (and not so discreet) questions, trying to get Noah to talk, to just open up to Luke about something - but nothing. Noah’s a master of changing the subject when there’s something he doesn’t want to talk about, and the more Luke asks, the more often it happens.
From the very beginning, Luke’s had the feeling that there’s more to Noah than what meets the eye. There’s something in his eyes, a sadness that never really seems to go away. And Luke can’t help but wonder who Noah really is. Can’t help but wonder if he even knows Noah at all.
Either way, it’s hardly fair that Noah knows so much about Luke, and Luke knows so little about him. It creates an unfortunate imbalance in their friendship. And Luke is starting to feel like Noah doesn’t really trust him at all.
Maybe they really aren’t as good friends as he thought.
####
Luke doesn’t mean for it to happen, he honestly doesn’t. He stumbles upon it solely by accident, and okay, he probably shouldn’t have been going through Noah’s desk drawers, but he really needed to borrow his cell phone charger because his phone is dead and he left his own charger on the farm last weekend. It shouldn’t be a big deal - they have the same type of phone and borrow each other’s chargers all the time.
Unfortunately he doesn’t find the charger. To be honest he forgets all about it as soon as he finds the photo.
Luke stares at it for several minutes, mouth open in surprise before he realizes he’s gaping and quickly closes it again.
He can hardly believe that’s Noah in the photo. It’s definitely not the Noah that Luke has come to know. This Noah has nothing shy or reserved about him - instead he’s looking into the camera with a sultry, inviting look. This Noah is halfway undressed and there are skin and muscles and lines and arms. God, the arms.
This Noah looks like… a model.
It’s hardly the first time Luke has seen Noah’s body. They’ve been roommates for over a year, they slept together at one point. But he hasn’t had much of a chance to really… study Noah. He hasn’t been allowed to, because Noah doesn’t want to be more than friends, and you don’t look at a friend the way Luke wants to look at Noah sometimes (often). During their one night stand it had been more touching than looking, and it was also quite dark in the room. Not a whole lot of opportunities to appreciate Noah’s very, very fine body.
(Well, he’d certainly appreciated Noah’s body, just not quite like that.)
So he allows himself to look for a moment, gives himself the opportunity to commit this gorgeous visual to memory. It might be all he’s ever going to get.
Then he quickly puts the photo back inside the drawer where he found it, feeling a bit guilty for having looked at it at all. He can’t help feeling like he invaded Noah’s privacy somehow.
Later he starts wondering why the hell Noah has a photo like that in the first place.
####
If Luke had been curious and eager to find out more about Noah before seeing the photo, he’s going absolutely crazy with it now.
That photo wasn’t just any photo. That photo was taken by a professional photographer. That photo could have been printed in a magazine together with photos of other half-naked models. And if it had been, then Noah’s picture would’ve been the one that drew everyone’s attention.
Nothing makes sense in Luke’s head anymore. The Noah in the picture is someone that Luke doesn’t know. And as for the Noah he does know (at least, he thought he did), he’s just not the kind of guy who would pose for a picture like that.
Except, apparently he is. And Luke has no idea what to think anymore.
####
At first he isn’t planning on saying anything to Noah about the photo. It just doesn’t seem like that big a deal - it’s just a photo after all, no matter how much it revealed a whole new side of Noah to Luke.
But somehow he can’t seem to stop feeling guilty. Noah must have kept the photo hidden for a reason, and it’s pretty obvious that he didn’t intend for anyone to see it. But Luke did. And not saying anything to Noah about it only makes him feel like he’s lying to Noah.
They spend the next weekend on the farm with Luke’s family, as they often do. It’s warm enough that they can have a barbeque, and a whole bunch of relatives are attending. And then there’s Noah, who seems to be a natural fit in the midst of the crazy Snyder clan.
Luke finds himself watching Noah interact with his parents and siblings. They all love Noah and Noah seems to love them. It makes him think that Noah is definitely a family person, but then there’s the subject of Noah’s own family. Why doesn’t he ever mention them or visit them? Why did he spend last year’s Thanksgiving and Christmas with Luke and his family instead of his own? They were all happy to have him of course, Luke most of all, but he can’t help but wonder. Especially now that the mysterious photo has brought forth even more questions.
When they get back to their dorm room on Sunday night, Noah immediately flops down on his bed.
“Oh man, Ethan’s energy level is killing me,” he sighs, but his voice is light and happy, and Luke knows he’s had a good day. He and Noah had volunteered to keep an extra eye on Ethan, and Noah had taken the task seriously. And since Ethan doesn’t really sit still for even a minute, Noah hadn’t either. No wonder he’s tired.
“Well, you’re kind of asking for it,” Luke points out as he kicks off his shoes. “You can say no to him, you know. You don’t always have to do what he wants.”
Noah just shrugs. “I don’t mind.”
Luke looks at him, just barely able to keep himself from letting out a big miserable sigh of frustration. Why is Noah so perfect? Why does the universe send him a guy that is everything that Luke has ever wanted, who spends a day of his precious time off from school and work running after Luke’s little brother, seemingly enjoying it, and then Luke can’t even have him?
It’s not fair.
But he pushes that thought away. He knows it’s finally time to tell Noah about the photo. He can’t keep it a secret any longer.
“Noah, can we talk?” he asks, sitting down on his bed.
Noah pushes himself up on his elbows. “Is something wrong?”
“Not really,” Luke says. “It’s just… I saw something. And I feel like I should probably tell you about it.”
Noah looks confused. “What do you mean?”
Luke looks down, feeling oddly nervous. “A few weeks ago I needed to borrow your cell phone charger, and you weren’t here so I looked in your desk drawers.” He chances a glance up at Noah, who just stares at him. “And… I found a picture. Of you. And I swear I didn’t mean to pry but it was just there. So I saw it. And I don’t know if that’s okay or not but-” He trails off. Noah still hasn’t said a word. “You may say something now. Like telling me that I’m making a way bigger deal of this than it is.” He chuckles nervously.
There’s another stretch of silence before Noah says anything. He pushes himself up from the bed and to his feet. “You shouldn’t have gone through my stuff,” he says, sounding like he’s fighting to keep his voice calm. “You had no right.”
Luke’s heart sinks. “I know and I’m sorry. But I honestly didn’t mean to. I just needed to borrow-”
“My charger. Yes, you said. But you still shouldn’t have gone through my desk. That’s my personal space, Luke, and you should respect that. What I keep in there is none of your business.”
“I’m sorry,” Luke tries again. “It’s just a photo, Noah. And can you really blame me for looking at it? It’s not like you ever tell me anything about yourself.”
Noah’s eyes darken. “So you weren’t just looking for a charger. You were trying to, what, investigate me?”
“No!” Luke exclaims, throwing his arms out in frustration. “It wasn’t like that. But if it was, you would only have yourself to blame, you know. We’re friends, Noah. You’re probably the best one I’ve ever had. And you know things about me, things that I’ve told you because I trust you. But you don’t give me anything in return, and do you have any idea how that feels, Noah? How much it hurts to know that you don’t trust me back?”
They stare at each other. Luke didn’t really mean to say all that, but well, it’s out there now, and it’s not like he doesn’t mean it. It does hurt. And it does bother him that he gets so little in return. And it was probably time he let Noah know that.
Noah looks surprisingly calm in the wake of Luke’s outburst, but Luke can tell there’s anger simmering under the surface. “Well, maybe there’s a reason I’m not telling you. Have you ever thought of that?”
“Yes, and it’s pretty obvious what that reason is. Like I said, you clearly don’t trust me.”
Noah stares at him for a while longer. “Not everything is about you, Luke,” he says at last, his voice sounding tired all of a sudden. He turns and heads for the door, grabbing his jacket from the hanger, and leaves the room without another word.
Luke wants to call after him, only he doesn’t know what to say.
####
Noah doesn’t come home that night.
Luke doesn’t know whether to be worried or angry with Noah for making him worry.
####
Noah doesn’t come home the night after that either. Neither is he answering Luke’s texts and calls.
Luke really does start to worry then. It’s not unusual for Noah to be gone for a night, but he’s never been away two nights in a row.
I’m sorry. Please come home, he texts.
####
Noah finally comes home.
(For a second Luke finds himself wondering when he started to think of his and Noah’s small dorm room as home. Somehow it just… feels like home.)
Noah looks tired, like he hasn’t slept in days, and Luke wants more than anything to rush over to him and give him a big hug. He doesn’t, though. He’s not sure if Noah’s still angry with him or not, and he doesn’t want to push it.
“Are you okay?” he asks instead.
Noah is quiet for a moment.
“I don’t know,” he says finally. “I… think I need to take a shower. Afterwards we should probably talk.”
“Yeah, we should,” Luke agrees, and Noah gives him a weak smile before disappearing into the bathroom.
####
Almost half an hour later they’re sitting on opposite beds, both quiet. Noah is freshly showered and is looking absolutely gorgeous, and Luke wonders if he should say something or if he should wait for Noah to speak first.
But before he can really make a decision, Noah speaks.
“I’m sorry for disappearing,” he says, looking down on his hands. “I just… needed space.”
Luke nods. “Where have you been?” he asks, and if he was a less curious person he might have been able to keep himself from asking that question because it’s not really any of his business, but well, he’s not.
“Staying at a friend’s place.”
“Right.”
Noah looks up at him then. “Just a friend, Luke. Nothing else.”
Luke looks down for a moment, blushing. It’s unnerving sometimes that Noah seems to know him so well.
He makes an attempt to brush it off. “Friend or not, it’s not really any of my business. It’s your life; you’re free to do what you want.”
Noah considers him for a while. Luke is unable to meet his gaze. It feels like Noah can read him a lot better than Luke can read Noah and it feels a little unsettling.
Noah looks down again. “Anyway, I… I think it might be time that I told you a little about myself.”
Really? Luke almost exclaims in surprise, but he stops himself before the word slips out. He doesn’t want to seem too eager, like he doesn’t have anything better to do with his life than wonder about Noah’s background. So instead he simply says, “I would like that. Very much.”
Noah huffs a laugh. “You might not feel that way once you’ve heard the full story.”
“Yes, I will,” Luke says adamantly, because there’s nothing Noah can tell him that will change the way Luke feels about him. Unless Noah’s about to tell him that he’s a mass murderer or something. In that case, Luke might have to reconsider.
Noah gives him a small smile.
“Well, I guess I’ll tell you about the photo first, since you saw it. I mean, you never said which one it was, but I don’t have a whole lot of pictures of myself floating around so I can guess.” He gives Luke a wry smile. “It was taken a couple of years ago. I needed money to pay for college, and then this guy I met, who happened to be a photographer, persuaded me to give modeling a try. He told me that I had the right look, whatever that means, and that if I was successful, I could earn big money.”
“And did you?”
“No. I didn’t do it for very long. I pretty much hated it from day one, and even though I got a few jobs I never felt like I was very good at it. And I didn’t make a whole lot of money either, so I quit. That picture you saw is from a series of test photos we made at the very beginning, before I discovered that the photographer was a real jerk who expected me to have sex with him because he was doing me this huge favor. I have no idea why I still have it.”
Probably because you look ridiculously hot, Luke thinks to himself.
“Anyway, I’m really sorry for the way I reacted when you told me about having found it,” Noah continues. “It wasn’t even about the picture, it’s just… I haven’t really shared anything about myself with anyone in a very long time, so when you told me you’d seen the picture I felt… exposed. And quite honestly it freaked me out.”
“I get that,” Luke says, even though he still doesn’t understand why Noah is so secretive about everything in the first place. “And I’m sorry, too. You’re right, I shouldn’t have been going through your stuff.”
Noah waves it away. “It’s okay. I completely overreacted.”
Luke sighs. “Okay, we have to stop this.”
“Stop what?” Noah looks confused.
“This overly considerate, overly polite tone we have going on right now. It’s weird.”
Luke gets out of his bed and moves across the room to sit down next to Noah on his bed instead. Sitting on opposite ends of the room like that is kind of ridiculous, especially when they’re supposed to be having a heart-to-heart. “You know what? I’m going to share a secret of my own. I like you, Noah. No, scratch that - I’m in love with you. I have been since the week we met. And maybe I shouldn’t say that, maybe it’ll jeopardize our friendship, but I’m sick of pretending. I want to be honest. And you know what? I hate it when you don’t come home at night. When I know you’re out with some guy. And I hated even more that you didn’t come home for two nights and I had no idea where you were. I was so worried, Noah.” He pauses and takes a few deep breaths. “And I’ll just stop talking now.”
He looks down, suddenly embarrassed. Talk about oversharing. If Noah doesn’t run away screaming right now he deserves a medal.
It’s silent for a long time. Luke doesn’t dare look at Noah. He wishes Noah would just say something. Anything really, as long as it’s words.
Then he does, but what he says is not at all what Luke expects to hear.
“My mother died when I was four,” Noah says quietly. “It was… a shock. Like my whole life was taken away from me, ripped apart like a piece of paper. She was everything to me, the only thing that made me feel safe.” He pauses. “It was just me and my father after that.”
More silence.
“My father’s… not a very nice man. I’m pretty sure he was violent with my mother sometimes. He never was with me, but he… he’s always been very cold. He never made me feel loved and he always yelled a lot. When I was younger I was terrified of him.”
Noah goes silent again, and Luke finally looks up at him. Noah isn’t looking at him, though - instead he’s fiddling with his hands. Luke wants to reach out, wants to take Noah’s hands in his own and still the nervous movements.
“When I was seventeen I came out to him, accidentally. He caught me kissing the guy I liked. And he… he threw me out of the house.” Noah makes a half-hearted shrug. “I haven’t seen my father since.”
“Wow, that’s tough,” Luke says, not knowing how else to respond. It’s not like there’s much he can say to make Noah feel any better.
Noah shrugs again. “I guess. In some ways I was actually relieved. We weren’t close, and not having to deal with him and hiding everything from him felt… liberating. But… he’s my dad, you know. He’s the only one I had.”
“So… what did you do?”
“I got a job and found a cheap place to rent. Somehow I managed to get through high school. And then, a few years later, I met Josh.”
Noah takes a deep breath, like he’s steeling himself. “He was my first love. I wanted to be with him forever. But he… he was only using me. A little over a year after we met he told me that he was married. To a woman. And that he never thought of us as anything serious. And then he made it seem like I was the stupid one for not realizing.” He lets out a hollow laugh.
Luke is overcome with a sudden anger. How can anyone do something like that to Noah, who’s quite possibly the sweetest person in the world?
“He didn’t deserve you,” he says. “You deserve someone who appreciates you and cares about you and takes you seriously.”
Noah gives him a weak smile. “Maybe. It took me a long time to get over Josh. I haven’t really… been with anyone since then. I’ve been afraid of falling for someone again, afraid of getting hurt.” He finally looks at Luke. “And then I came here and met you. And I… I knew from the moment I saw you that you’d be trouble. I knew that I could fall for you. And… and I did.”
Luke stares at him, blinking. “You… did?”
“I did. But I’ve been scared, Luke, and I’m still scared and I tried to keep my distance from you like I’ve done with everyone else, but it didn’t work with you. And now it’s too late. I’ve never known anyone as incredible as you. And then there’s your family, who is… amazing.” He gives a helpless shrug. “It’s not true what you said. I do trust you. You’re the only one I’ve trusted since Josh. I just… I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust that I’ll be able to keep you. That I’ll be… enough for you.”
Luke, for once, is speechless. He’d wanted Noah to talk to him, to be open with him. But he hadn’t expected all of this. He hadn’t expected there to be so much sadness and pain in Noah’s life, and he hadn’t expected to be this affected by it. He’s so angry and sad for Noah, and then he’s also wondering if he’s dreaming right now because he’s pretty sure that Noah just told him that he’s in love with him.
That is what he least of all expected.
“I-” he starts, but he’s unable to continue and tries again, “I should probably say something right now, but I don’t really know where to begin.”
Noah seems almost amused by Luke’s speechlessness. It’s a rare thing, after all. “I’m just relieved that you’re not running away screaming right now.”
Luke huffs a laugh. “That was a lot of sharing for one day. But no, I’m not leaving. That’s… actually the last thing I want to do right now.”
“What do you want to do?” Noah asks, his voice now reduced to a whisper. Luke is pretty sure that Noah knows exactly what Luke wants. He’s also starting to think that Noah - amazingly - wants the exact same thing.
So he’s a lot less scared than he thought he’d be when he says, “I want this.” And then he leans in and finally, finally does what he’s wanted to do for the past year.
He kisses Noah.
####
It doesn’t take long before they’ve gone from kissing to a whole lot more.
It’s not as rushed as their first time. Back then they’d been overcome with this intense need to get off, and the concept of taking their time had seemed completely foreign to both of them.
It’s different now. There are feelings involved this time, deeper feelings than the attraction and chemistry that had been so overwhelming back then.
There’s definitely still attraction and chemistry between them, but now there’s also a whole lot more. And somehow that makes everything so much slower, more intense, like they both want to take their time and really learn everything about each other in a whole new way.
There’s so much skin. Luke has dreamed about all that skin for months and months, and now that it’s all laid out for him to touch he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to ever stop doing just that. Finally he can explore Noah’s body, like he never got the chance to do the first time. Noah’s perfect, glorious body.
Noah’s on his back and Luke’s on top of him, making sure to cover every bit of skin with his mouth. He’s pretty sure that Noah’s okay with this arrangement; at least if the sounds he’s making are any indication. At first he’s sighing softly, occasionally whispering Luke’s name with such wonder and reverence in his voice, but then it turns into full out moaning. It makes Luke feel strangely powerful - he’s actually able to reduce Noah to this - and he’s overcome with the urge to make Noah feels as good as he possibly can. To make Noah feel cherished, appreciated, loved.
No one deserves that more than Noah.
So he moves lower and lower, kissing Noah’s skin all the way, finally sinking his mouth down Noah’s length.
Noah’s moans turn even more desperate then, and Luke concentrates, wanting to make this good for Noah, make it perfect. It’s not too bad for himself either, if he’s being honest. He’s given blowjobs before, with other guys, and he’s always liked it, but now he finds that he freaking loves it, loves having Noah inside him, loves being filled like this, loves giving Noah pleasure this way.
Noah is sweating and arching up from the mattress, and Luke is pretty sure he’s doing something very right here, because it doesn’t take long before Noah comes with a wrecked, helpless sound that goes straight to Luke’s groin.
Luke swallows what Noah gives him (and god, he’s never cared much for swallowing before, but now he greedily takes all of it, loving the idea of having a part of Noah in him like that) and sits up, looking down on Noah’s trembling (gorgeous) body with a smug grin.
He can’t help but feel quite proud of himself.
####
A few minutes later it’s Luke’s turn to be on his back with Noah on top of him.
Noah is already starting to move down Luke’s body, clearly with a goal in mind, but Luke stops him before he can get too far.
“No, up here,” he murmurs, trying to pull Noah back up so he can kiss him.
“But I want to return the favor,” Noah protests, almost pouting, and if it was a different time Luke might have laughed at his expression.
“No,” Luke repeats, pulling on Noah’s arm until Noah finally returns to be face to face with Luke. He looks into Noah’s eyes and whispers, “I want you inside when I come.”
Noah stills on top of him and just stares at him for a moment, but then he nods and crashes his mouth to Luke’s. “Yes,” he breathes into the kiss. “Yes.”
After that they don’t really take it slow any longer. It’s like a switch has been flipped and everything changes.
Luke is finding it more and more difficult to think clearly, especially when Noah starts using his fingers to prepare him. It’s utter and total bliss, and Luke closes his eyes and just lets himself focus on how amazing it feels to have Noah inside him like that, stretching and preparing him so perfectly, so gently. He only vaguely registers that Noah somehow manages to fish the lube and a condom out of the nightstand drawer with his free hand.
When Noah pulls his fingers out Luke lets out a small whine of disappointment, even though he knows it’s only temporary, knows that Noah will be back soon and that it will get even better. He tries to get his breathing under control while he waits, but he’s impatient and he wants Noah inside now. He’s been waiting for this moment for over a year and he’s not willing to wait even a second longer.
“Noah, come on,” he urges, fumbling for Noah. “I want you.”
Noah is struggling to get the condom on, and Luke notices that his hands are shaking. It makes him feel suddenly warm inside, and he realizes that this, the two of them together like this, is as huge and life-changing to Noah as it is to Luke. They’re really doing this and this time, it really matters.
Noah returns then, covering Luke with his body, and it’s perfect. Noah’s weight on him, pushing him down into the mattress - somehow it makes him feel safe, loved, wanted. Luke doesn’t think he’s ever felt happier or more content than right at this moment, despite the anticipation for more.
And then, finally, Noah pushes inside and it gets even better.
Well, at least it does after the initial pain has subsided. It’s been a while, and Luke needs a moment to adjust to the intrusion, adjust to the feeling of having Noah there, big and solid and… big. It feels good, though. It feels… right. And Noah is so attentive, so caring - he kisses Luke softly and murmurs all kinds of sweet things that make Luke just melt while the pain slowly turns to pleasure.
And then Noah starts moving. And Luke just stops thinking all together.
He comes almost embarrassingly fast, but he can’t be bothered to care. Noah needs a few more strokes, but then he comes too, and they fall together in a heap of limbs.
Nothing has ever felt like this.
####
“I love you,” Luke whispers softly a few minutes later as they lie wrapped up in each other’s arms. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt this good or this happy. He’s exactly where he’s supposed to be.
“Really?” Noah whispers back.
“Really,” Luke confirms with a kiss to Noah’s chest.
“I love you, too,” Noah says and pulls Luke tighter into his arms.
“Well, that’s a relief. Because you’re not getting rid of me anytime soon. You’re stuck with me now, Noah Mayer. And I hope you’re okay with that.”
“I’m okay with that,” Noah says, and Luke can hear the smile in his voice. “You have no idea how okay I am. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to come around.”
“It’s okay. You’re worth waiting for.”
Noah goes quiet then, and Luke pulls away from Noah a little and turns his head so he can see his face. Noah isn’t smiling anymore. Instead Luke sees that other Noah, that scared Noah, the little boy who lost his mother and was forced to grow up with a father who didn’t love him, at least the way that Noah needed, and then the young man who was betrayed by the person he loved and trusted the most. It’s all there in Noah’s face now and Luke suddenly realizes why.
Noah doesn’t believe Luke. He doesn’t believe he’s worth it.
Luke makes a promise to himself, then. A promise to spend the rest of his life showing Noah that he’s worth more than anything else in Luke’s world.
He might as well start right away.
“Just let me love you,” he whispers, pressing his lips softly to Noah’s. He loves that he’s allowed to use that big word with Noah now. “Let me show you how amazing I think you are. I want to keep you around for as long as you want me. After all, I’ve lived with you this whole year - that should be proof enough that I’m suited for the task.”
Noah laughs a little then, and it’s light and happy and carefully optimistic. It’s a start. Noah’s worries are seemingly chased away for the time being. He wraps his arms around Luke again and Luke finds himself being held tight, wonderfully tight, perfectly tight.
After a while he leans in and presses another kiss to what will surely become a favorite area of his - Noah’s lovely chest. Luke’s pretty sure he’ll discover lots of favorite spots in the future.
Then he grins up at Noah, feeling happy and wicked and perfect when he murmurs, “You wouldn’t happen to have more pictures lying around, would you?”
- END -
Characters/Pairing: Luke/Noah
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Word Count: ~7,100 words
Warnings: None, I think
Summary: Luke loves college, there’s just one problem: He’s in love with his roommate, Noah - who seems completely uninterested in anything other than friendship.
Author’s Note: Written for nukebigbang's Summerfest 2013. I hope this is something along the lines of what the prompter wanted! Apologies for no beta - unfortunately I ran out of time.
Original prompt: Luke and Noah are roommates (at Oakdale U or Columbia, up to you). Luke doesn't know much about Noah but Noah knows everything about Luke. One day, Luke goes snooping and comes across this picture of Noah. What does he do next?
He’s four years old when she dies.
He doesn’t understand it. Suddenly she’s just gone, and no one really explains to him what’s going on. He overhears people saying she’s dead in mumbled conversations, but what does that mean, exactly? How long is she gone for?
He tries asking his father, but is told not to talk about her. His father’s voice is cold and his face looks even harder and scarier than usual, and Noah doesn’t dare repeat his questions. What if he gets pushed into the wall again? He got really scared the last time it happened, and it hurt, too.
He misses her. She was the one who put him to bed at night, who read him stories. She was the one who smiled at him and told him that he was smart and clever. She was the one who protected him when his father was being scary.
He doesn’t understand any of it.
####
When he’s seventeen he gets kicked out of the house.
It all happens so fast that he doesn’t really get the chance to comprehend what’s going on. One minute he’s kissing his friend Nate up in his room, his first kiss ever with a guy, and it’s the most amazing thing Noah’s ever felt. The next his father has grabbed his arm and is pulling him out of the room and down the stairs, his grip so strong on Noah’s arm that it’s surely going to leave bruises. He pushes Noah out the front door, Nate looking pale and terrified as he follows behind them.
“You’re not my son anymore, you hear me?” his dad yells. “You’re not setting foot in this house again.”
The door slams shut before Noah gets the chance to speak. Quite frankly he’s too shocked to even get a word out.
He’s never been close with his father. But he’s all Noah has.
Now there’s nothing left.
####
He’s twenty years old when he gets his heart broken. Or more like trampled on.
He really thinks that Josh might be the one. Josh is older and experienced, confident and outgoing. He’s everything that Noah is not. Noah loves him.
He and Josh are together for more than a year. Josh is his first everything - first boyfriend, first lover, first love. Josh can only meet him at certain times during the week, but Noah doesn’t question it. Love is blind, they say.
When Noah finally, after spending days working up the courage, broaches the topic of possibly moving in together, Josh looks at him as if he’s crazy.
“We can’t live together,” he says. “I have a wife and kids at home. I thought you knew that. I’m sorry if I made you think that this is more serious than it is.”
Noah feels as if the ground disappears beneath his feet.
####
He promises himself never to care again. They all leave him and hurt him, and what’s the point? He’s not putting himself through it again.
He has sex instead. He likes sex - it makes him feel good, makes him feel wanted, if only for a little while.
He never goes to bed with the same guy twice, though. He’s not getting attached.
####
Then Luke Snyder comes along. And it all becomes a lot more difficult.
####
College life turns out to be everything that Luke Snyder had hoped for, and more.
He loves his classes, and his professors are, mostly, really great. He’s making new friends and is no longer the only out gay guy around, which feels amazingly liberating. He hadn’t been completely sure if going to Oakdale U was the right choice for him - it felt like maybe he should have taken the opportunity to see more of the world, detached himself more from his family and his hometown. He wondered if he should have chosen a bolder path, instead of the safety and familiarity of Oakdale.
But it felt right. And he figures there’ll be plenty of opportunities to see the world later.
At least he finally moved out of his parents’ house. Instead he moved to the dorms, and got a really, really amazing roommate.
However, the roommate situation has also become a bit of a problem, because Noah Mayer isn’t just Luke’s roommate. He’s also quickly becoming his best friend.
And then, of course, Luke had to go and fall crazily in love with him.
And that is pretty much the most stupid and pathetic thing ever.
####
Noah had been a huge surprise to Luke, who had not expected his new roommate to be quite so… hot. Noah has a tall, lean body and really soft-looking dark hair, and his smile is possibly the nicest smile that Luke has ever seen.
But the most attractive thing about him is that he doesn’t seem to have the slightest idea about how gorgeous he is. There’s a really cute shyness about him, and a politeness that Luke finds utterly charming.
The best thing of all? Noah is actually gay.
(Luke may have done a little happy dance upon learning that.)
Luke can hardly believe his luck.
####
There might not have been love at first sight but there was definitely a whole lot of mutual attraction. So much attraction that they hooked up within the first week of knowing each other.
It’s completely unplanned. Luke never thought he was the type of person who’d jump into bed with a guy he’s only just met, but that’s what he does. He supposes it’s unavoidable - the chemistry between them is palpable from the start, and then they come home from a party one night, both pleasantly tipsy and with very few inhibitions.
The door to their room is barely closed behind them before they’re all over each other, everything urgent and hot and intense and well, amazing. Afterwards they fall asleep in each other’s arms, and Luke knows that he’s never felt so connected to another guy before. Not that he has a whole lot to base his experience on, but this… this is special.
It feels like… like maybe he’s finally found what he’s been looking for.
####
Then the morning after comes. And Luke’s hope is crushed.
Noah throws one look at Luke and then he bolts out of the bed as if he’s been burned. He quickly gathers his clothes, his eyes shifting uncomfortably and looking anywhere but at Luke. Once he’s found all of his clothes he mumbles something unintelligible and disappears into the bathroom.
Luke sits motionless in bed and just stares at him, speechless and confused.
####
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Noah’s feelings about their night together are quite different than Luke’s. Luke feels a bit stupid for thinking that this could be the start of something more. Clearly that’s not how it’s going to be.
He feels like a kid who got smacked on the fingers just as he was reaching for the cookie jar.
Later that day they talk, and it’s one of the most awkward conversations Luke has ever had. They’ve only known each other for a few days and it’s just difficult to know the right way to go about it, not to mention the fact that it’s just uncomfortable to have this kind of conversation at all. Especially with someone you’re forced to have some kind of relationship with, and you still don’t know what type of relationship that will be.
Luke is the one who starts off the conversation. His ego feels bruised, his confidence a little broken, but he’s determined to get through this.
“So… last night,” he begins tentatively. “I know it wasn’t planned. And I’m guessing you aren’t… thrilled about it.”
Noah looks at him for a moment, the first time he’s met Luke’s eyes since that morning. He quickly looks away again. “Yeah, I… I think last night was a mistake.”
Right. As expected as that was, Luke can’t help that it still feels like a punch in the gut.
“I mean,” Noah hurries to continue, like he’s realizing that his words might have sounded a bit harsh. It’s that politeness again. “Last night was great. Really. But… we’re roommates, Luke. And that means that we can’t do… that.”
Why, Luke wants to ask. But he doesn’t. Instead he forces a smile.
“I know,” he says.
Noah looks relieved. “I’m not looking for a relationship or anything like that,” he says with an excuse in his voice.
“It’s okay,” Luke tells him, even though it doesn’t feel okay. “I understand.”
“Okay.” Noah smiles tentatively. “Good to know we’re on the same page.”
Luke forces his fake smile wider. “Absolutely.”
And that’s it. They don’t talk about it again.
Luke just wishes he could keep his thoughts from wandering and his heart from being so ridiculous.
####
Instead of starting a relationship they become best friends.
Not right away of course - it happens gradually. But they really do get along exceptionally well. And it’s really great, being best friends with your roommate. It means there’s always someone around to talk to, to hang out with, to watch bad TV with or complain to about the insane workload the professors are giving them.
What’s less great is being secretly in love with him.
That’s just… sad and stupid and exhausting and frustrating and kind of pathetic really, because he feels like he should have been able to get over it. And he’s not.
And then he always has to pretend around Noah, let him think that Luke doesn’t see him as anything other than a friend, which is especially difficult when Noah comes home in the middle of the night or even the next morning, and Luke knows that he’s been with a guy. Noah doesn’t say much about it, but Luke knows Noah now, knows that he does that sometimes, and Luke can’t help it - it hurts. It hurts to think about Noah with anyone other than Luke. Luke doesn’t think he’s actually dating anyone, but thinking about him having sex with someone else is bad enough. Luke knows how amazing it is to be with Noah that way.
Of course, Noah is no different than any normal guy in his early twenties. Well, apart from Luke. It’s not that Luke hasn’t ever hooked up with guys, even before he met Noah, but it’s just not what he wants. He wants to be with one guy, to be in love and be loved in return. If that makes him a hopeless, sappy romantic, then so be it.
However, he may occasionally pretend that his sex life is a bit more active than it really is. He doesn’t want Noah to think he’s a complete loser.
####
Luke learns early on that Noah is a reserved person. He’s quiet and shy before you really get to know him, but Luke’s glad he gets the chance to discover that Noah really is the most amazing person to be around once you get to know him.
Eventually, though, it starts to bother Luke that he doesn’t know more about Noah.
Ever since the beginning of their friendship Luke has shared a lot about himself. He’s told Noah about his family, his growing up, his coming out, the ups and downs he’s gone through in his life and just… pretty much everything else there is to tell. Noah is a very easy person to share things with. He’s so easy to talk to and he’s always willing to listen.
Unfortunately Noah doesn’t seem to feel the same way about Luke.
Noah doesn’t really tell Luke anything about himself. Luke knows nothing about his family (apart from the fact that he supposedly has a father out there somewhere), he knows nothing about Noah’s childhood or how he grew up, nothing about his friends from before Luke met him, nothing about his past boyfriends. Nothing. And true, Noah is a private person. But it’s getting to the point now where Luke is starting to think that Noah must be hiding something.
Luke’s tried, on more than one occasion, to get Noah to talk. He’s asked discreet (and not so discreet) questions, trying to get Noah to talk, to just open up to Luke about something - but nothing. Noah’s a master of changing the subject when there’s something he doesn’t want to talk about, and the more Luke asks, the more often it happens.
From the very beginning, Luke’s had the feeling that there’s more to Noah than what meets the eye. There’s something in his eyes, a sadness that never really seems to go away. And Luke can’t help but wonder who Noah really is. Can’t help but wonder if he even knows Noah at all.
Either way, it’s hardly fair that Noah knows so much about Luke, and Luke knows so little about him. It creates an unfortunate imbalance in their friendship. And Luke is starting to feel like Noah doesn’t really trust him at all.
Maybe they really aren’t as good friends as he thought.
####
Luke doesn’t mean for it to happen, he honestly doesn’t. He stumbles upon it solely by accident, and okay, he probably shouldn’t have been going through Noah’s desk drawers, but he really needed to borrow his cell phone charger because his phone is dead and he left his own charger on the farm last weekend. It shouldn’t be a big deal - they have the same type of phone and borrow each other’s chargers all the time.
Unfortunately he doesn’t find the charger. To be honest he forgets all about it as soon as he finds the photo.
Luke stares at it for several minutes, mouth open in surprise before he realizes he’s gaping and quickly closes it again.
He can hardly believe that’s Noah in the photo. It’s definitely not the Noah that Luke has come to know. This Noah has nothing shy or reserved about him - instead he’s looking into the camera with a sultry, inviting look. This Noah is halfway undressed and there are skin and muscles and lines and arms. God, the arms.
This Noah looks like… a model.
It’s hardly the first time Luke has seen Noah’s body. They’ve been roommates for over a year, they slept together at one point. But he hasn’t had much of a chance to really… study Noah. He hasn’t been allowed to, because Noah doesn’t want to be more than friends, and you don’t look at a friend the way Luke wants to look at Noah sometimes (often). During their one night stand it had been more touching than looking, and it was also quite dark in the room. Not a whole lot of opportunities to appreciate Noah’s very, very fine body.
(Well, he’d certainly appreciated Noah’s body, just not quite like that.)
So he allows himself to look for a moment, gives himself the opportunity to commit this gorgeous visual to memory. It might be all he’s ever going to get.
Then he quickly puts the photo back inside the drawer where he found it, feeling a bit guilty for having looked at it at all. He can’t help feeling like he invaded Noah’s privacy somehow.
Later he starts wondering why the hell Noah has a photo like that in the first place.
####
If Luke had been curious and eager to find out more about Noah before seeing the photo, he’s going absolutely crazy with it now.
That photo wasn’t just any photo. That photo was taken by a professional photographer. That photo could have been printed in a magazine together with photos of other half-naked models. And if it had been, then Noah’s picture would’ve been the one that drew everyone’s attention.
Nothing makes sense in Luke’s head anymore. The Noah in the picture is someone that Luke doesn’t know. And as for the Noah he does know (at least, he thought he did), he’s just not the kind of guy who would pose for a picture like that.
Except, apparently he is. And Luke has no idea what to think anymore.
####
At first he isn’t planning on saying anything to Noah about the photo. It just doesn’t seem like that big a deal - it’s just a photo after all, no matter how much it revealed a whole new side of Noah to Luke.
But somehow he can’t seem to stop feeling guilty. Noah must have kept the photo hidden for a reason, and it’s pretty obvious that he didn’t intend for anyone to see it. But Luke did. And not saying anything to Noah about it only makes him feel like he’s lying to Noah.
They spend the next weekend on the farm with Luke’s family, as they often do. It’s warm enough that they can have a barbeque, and a whole bunch of relatives are attending. And then there’s Noah, who seems to be a natural fit in the midst of the crazy Snyder clan.
Luke finds himself watching Noah interact with his parents and siblings. They all love Noah and Noah seems to love them. It makes him think that Noah is definitely a family person, but then there’s the subject of Noah’s own family. Why doesn’t he ever mention them or visit them? Why did he spend last year’s Thanksgiving and Christmas with Luke and his family instead of his own? They were all happy to have him of course, Luke most of all, but he can’t help but wonder. Especially now that the mysterious photo has brought forth even more questions.
When they get back to their dorm room on Sunday night, Noah immediately flops down on his bed.
“Oh man, Ethan’s energy level is killing me,” he sighs, but his voice is light and happy, and Luke knows he’s had a good day. He and Noah had volunteered to keep an extra eye on Ethan, and Noah had taken the task seriously. And since Ethan doesn’t really sit still for even a minute, Noah hadn’t either. No wonder he’s tired.
“Well, you’re kind of asking for it,” Luke points out as he kicks off his shoes. “You can say no to him, you know. You don’t always have to do what he wants.”
Noah just shrugs. “I don’t mind.”
Luke looks at him, just barely able to keep himself from letting out a big miserable sigh of frustration. Why is Noah so perfect? Why does the universe send him a guy that is everything that Luke has ever wanted, who spends a day of his precious time off from school and work running after Luke’s little brother, seemingly enjoying it, and then Luke can’t even have him?
It’s not fair.
But he pushes that thought away. He knows it’s finally time to tell Noah about the photo. He can’t keep it a secret any longer.
“Noah, can we talk?” he asks, sitting down on his bed.
Noah pushes himself up on his elbows. “Is something wrong?”
“Not really,” Luke says. “It’s just… I saw something. And I feel like I should probably tell you about it.”
Noah looks confused. “What do you mean?”
Luke looks down, feeling oddly nervous. “A few weeks ago I needed to borrow your cell phone charger, and you weren’t here so I looked in your desk drawers.” He chances a glance up at Noah, who just stares at him. “And… I found a picture. Of you. And I swear I didn’t mean to pry but it was just there. So I saw it. And I don’t know if that’s okay or not but-” He trails off. Noah still hasn’t said a word. “You may say something now. Like telling me that I’m making a way bigger deal of this than it is.” He chuckles nervously.
There’s another stretch of silence before Noah says anything. He pushes himself up from the bed and to his feet. “You shouldn’t have gone through my stuff,” he says, sounding like he’s fighting to keep his voice calm. “You had no right.”
Luke’s heart sinks. “I know and I’m sorry. But I honestly didn’t mean to. I just needed to borrow-”
“My charger. Yes, you said. But you still shouldn’t have gone through my desk. That’s my personal space, Luke, and you should respect that. What I keep in there is none of your business.”
“I’m sorry,” Luke tries again. “It’s just a photo, Noah. And can you really blame me for looking at it? It’s not like you ever tell me anything about yourself.”
Noah’s eyes darken. “So you weren’t just looking for a charger. You were trying to, what, investigate me?”
“No!” Luke exclaims, throwing his arms out in frustration. “It wasn’t like that. But if it was, you would only have yourself to blame, you know. We’re friends, Noah. You’re probably the best one I’ve ever had. And you know things about me, things that I’ve told you because I trust you. But you don’t give me anything in return, and do you have any idea how that feels, Noah? How much it hurts to know that you don’t trust me back?”
They stare at each other. Luke didn’t really mean to say all that, but well, it’s out there now, and it’s not like he doesn’t mean it. It does hurt. And it does bother him that he gets so little in return. And it was probably time he let Noah know that.
Noah looks surprisingly calm in the wake of Luke’s outburst, but Luke can tell there’s anger simmering under the surface. “Well, maybe there’s a reason I’m not telling you. Have you ever thought of that?”
“Yes, and it’s pretty obvious what that reason is. Like I said, you clearly don’t trust me.”
Noah stares at him for a while longer. “Not everything is about you, Luke,” he says at last, his voice sounding tired all of a sudden. He turns and heads for the door, grabbing his jacket from the hanger, and leaves the room without another word.
Luke wants to call after him, only he doesn’t know what to say.
####
Noah doesn’t come home that night.
Luke doesn’t know whether to be worried or angry with Noah for making him worry.
####
Noah doesn’t come home the night after that either. Neither is he answering Luke’s texts and calls.
Luke really does start to worry then. It’s not unusual for Noah to be gone for a night, but he’s never been away two nights in a row.
I’m sorry. Please come home, he texts.
####
Noah finally comes home.
(For a second Luke finds himself wondering when he started to think of his and Noah’s small dorm room as home. Somehow it just… feels like home.)
Noah looks tired, like he hasn’t slept in days, and Luke wants more than anything to rush over to him and give him a big hug. He doesn’t, though. He’s not sure if Noah’s still angry with him or not, and he doesn’t want to push it.
“Are you okay?” he asks instead.
Noah is quiet for a moment.
“I don’t know,” he says finally. “I… think I need to take a shower. Afterwards we should probably talk.”
“Yeah, we should,” Luke agrees, and Noah gives him a weak smile before disappearing into the bathroom.
####
Almost half an hour later they’re sitting on opposite beds, both quiet. Noah is freshly showered and is looking absolutely gorgeous, and Luke wonders if he should say something or if he should wait for Noah to speak first.
But before he can really make a decision, Noah speaks.
“I’m sorry for disappearing,” he says, looking down on his hands. “I just… needed space.”
Luke nods. “Where have you been?” he asks, and if he was a less curious person he might have been able to keep himself from asking that question because it’s not really any of his business, but well, he’s not.
“Staying at a friend’s place.”
“Right.”
Noah looks up at him then. “Just a friend, Luke. Nothing else.”
Luke looks down for a moment, blushing. It’s unnerving sometimes that Noah seems to know him so well.
He makes an attempt to brush it off. “Friend or not, it’s not really any of my business. It’s your life; you’re free to do what you want.”
Noah considers him for a while. Luke is unable to meet his gaze. It feels like Noah can read him a lot better than Luke can read Noah and it feels a little unsettling.
Noah looks down again. “Anyway, I… I think it might be time that I told you a little about myself.”
Really? Luke almost exclaims in surprise, but he stops himself before the word slips out. He doesn’t want to seem too eager, like he doesn’t have anything better to do with his life than wonder about Noah’s background. So instead he simply says, “I would like that. Very much.”
Noah huffs a laugh. “You might not feel that way once you’ve heard the full story.”
“Yes, I will,” Luke says adamantly, because there’s nothing Noah can tell him that will change the way Luke feels about him. Unless Noah’s about to tell him that he’s a mass murderer or something. In that case, Luke might have to reconsider.
Noah gives him a small smile.
“Well, I guess I’ll tell you about the photo first, since you saw it. I mean, you never said which one it was, but I don’t have a whole lot of pictures of myself floating around so I can guess.” He gives Luke a wry smile. “It was taken a couple of years ago. I needed money to pay for college, and then this guy I met, who happened to be a photographer, persuaded me to give modeling a try. He told me that I had the right look, whatever that means, and that if I was successful, I could earn big money.”
“And did you?”
“No. I didn’t do it for very long. I pretty much hated it from day one, and even though I got a few jobs I never felt like I was very good at it. And I didn’t make a whole lot of money either, so I quit. That picture you saw is from a series of test photos we made at the very beginning, before I discovered that the photographer was a real jerk who expected me to have sex with him because he was doing me this huge favor. I have no idea why I still have it.”
Probably because you look ridiculously hot, Luke thinks to himself.
“Anyway, I’m really sorry for the way I reacted when you told me about having found it,” Noah continues. “It wasn’t even about the picture, it’s just… I haven’t really shared anything about myself with anyone in a very long time, so when you told me you’d seen the picture I felt… exposed. And quite honestly it freaked me out.”
“I get that,” Luke says, even though he still doesn’t understand why Noah is so secretive about everything in the first place. “And I’m sorry, too. You’re right, I shouldn’t have been going through your stuff.”
Noah waves it away. “It’s okay. I completely overreacted.”
Luke sighs. “Okay, we have to stop this.”
“Stop what?” Noah looks confused.
“This overly considerate, overly polite tone we have going on right now. It’s weird.”
Luke gets out of his bed and moves across the room to sit down next to Noah on his bed instead. Sitting on opposite ends of the room like that is kind of ridiculous, especially when they’re supposed to be having a heart-to-heart. “You know what? I’m going to share a secret of my own. I like you, Noah. No, scratch that - I’m in love with you. I have been since the week we met. And maybe I shouldn’t say that, maybe it’ll jeopardize our friendship, but I’m sick of pretending. I want to be honest. And you know what? I hate it when you don’t come home at night. When I know you’re out with some guy. And I hated even more that you didn’t come home for two nights and I had no idea where you were. I was so worried, Noah.” He pauses and takes a few deep breaths. “And I’ll just stop talking now.”
He looks down, suddenly embarrassed. Talk about oversharing. If Noah doesn’t run away screaming right now he deserves a medal.
It’s silent for a long time. Luke doesn’t dare look at Noah. He wishes Noah would just say something. Anything really, as long as it’s words.
Then he does, but what he says is not at all what Luke expects to hear.
“My mother died when I was four,” Noah says quietly. “It was… a shock. Like my whole life was taken away from me, ripped apart like a piece of paper. She was everything to me, the only thing that made me feel safe.” He pauses. “It was just me and my father after that.”
More silence.
“My father’s… not a very nice man. I’m pretty sure he was violent with my mother sometimes. He never was with me, but he… he’s always been very cold. He never made me feel loved and he always yelled a lot. When I was younger I was terrified of him.”
Noah goes silent again, and Luke finally looks up at him. Noah isn’t looking at him, though - instead he’s fiddling with his hands. Luke wants to reach out, wants to take Noah’s hands in his own and still the nervous movements.
“When I was seventeen I came out to him, accidentally. He caught me kissing the guy I liked. And he… he threw me out of the house.” Noah makes a half-hearted shrug. “I haven’t seen my father since.”
“Wow, that’s tough,” Luke says, not knowing how else to respond. It’s not like there’s much he can say to make Noah feel any better.
Noah shrugs again. “I guess. In some ways I was actually relieved. We weren’t close, and not having to deal with him and hiding everything from him felt… liberating. But… he’s my dad, you know. He’s the only one I had.”
“So… what did you do?”
“I got a job and found a cheap place to rent. Somehow I managed to get through high school. And then, a few years later, I met Josh.”
Noah takes a deep breath, like he’s steeling himself. “He was my first love. I wanted to be with him forever. But he… he was only using me. A little over a year after we met he told me that he was married. To a woman. And that he never thought of us as anything serious. And then he made it seem like I was the stupid one for not realizing.” He lets out a hollow laugh.
Luke is overcome with a sudden anger. How can anyone do something like that to Noah, who’s quite possibly the sweetest person in the world?
“He didn’t deserve you,” he says. “You deserve someone who appreciates you and cares about you and takes you seriously.”
Noah gives him a weak smile. “Maybe. It took me a long time to get over Josh. I haven’t really… been with anyone since then. I’ve been afraid of falling for someone again, afraid of getting hurt.” He finally looks at Luke. “And then I came here and met you. And I… I knew from the moment I saw you that you’d be trouble. I knew that I could fall for you. And… and I did.”
Luke stares at him, blinking. “You… did?”
“I did. But I’ve been scared, Luke, and I’m still scared and I tried to keep my distance from you like I’ve done with everyone else, but it didn’t work with you. And now it’s too late. I’ve never known anyone as incredible as you. And then there’s your family, who is… amazing.” He gives a helpless shrug. “It’s not true what you said. I do trust you. You’re the only one I’ve trusted since Josh. I just… I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust that I’ll be able to keep you. That I’ll be… enough for you.”
Luke, for once, is speechless. He’d wanted Noah to talk to him, to be open with him. But he hadn’t expected all of this. He hadn’t expected there to be so much sadness and pain in Noah’s life, and he hadn’t expected to be this affected by it. He’s so angry and sad for Noah, and then he’s also wondering if he’s dreaming right now because he’s pretty sure that Noah just told him that he’s in love with him.
That is what he least of all expected.
“I-” he starts, but he’s unable to continue and tries again, “I should probably say something right now, but I don’t really know where to begin.”
Noah seems almost amused by Luke’s speechlessness. It’s a rare thing, after all. “I’m just relieved that you’re not running away screaming right now.”
Luke huffs a laugh. “That was a lot of sharing for one day. But no, I’m not leaving. That’s… actually the last thing I want to do right now.”
“What do you want to do?” Noah asks, his voice now reduced to a whisper. Luke is pretty sure that Noah knows exactly what Luke wants. He’s also starting to think that Noah - amazingly - wants the exact same thing.
So he’s a lot less scared than he thought he’d be when he says, “I want this.” And then he leans in and finally, finally does what he’s wanted to do for the past year.
He kisses Noah.
####
It doesn’t take long before they’ve gone from kissing to a whole lot more.
It’s not as rushed as their first time. Back then they’d been overcome with this intense need to get off, and the concept of taking their time had seemed completely foreign to both of them.
It’s different now. There are feelings involved this time, deeper feelings than the attraction and chemistry that had been so overwhelming back then.
There’s definitely still attraction and chemistry between them, but now there’s also a whole lot more. And somehow that makes everything so much slower, more intense, like they both want to take their time and really learn everything about each other in a whole new way.
There’s so much skin. Luke has dreamed about all that skin for months and months, and now that it’s all laid out for him to touch he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to ever stop doing just that. Finally he can explore Noah’s body, like he never got the chance to do the first time. Noah’s perfect, glorious body.
Noah’s on his back and Luke’s on top of him, making sure to cover every bit of skin with his mouth. He’s pretty sure that Noah’s okay with this arrangement; at least if the sounds he’s making are any indication. At first he’s sighing softly, occasionally whispering Luke’s name with such wonder and reverence in his voice, but then it turns into full out moaning. It makes Luke feel strangely powerful - he’s actually able to reduce Noah to this - and he’s overcome with the urge to make Noah feels as good as he possibly can. To make Noah feel cherished, appreciated, loved.
No one deserves that more than Noah.
So he moves lower and lower, kissing Noah’s skin all the way, finally sinking his mouth down Noah’s length.
Noah’s moans turn even more desperate then, and Luke concentrates, wanting to make this good for Noah, make it perfect. It’s not too bad for himself either, if he’s being honest. He’s given blowjobs before, with other guys, and he’s always liked it, but now he finds that he freaking loves it, loves having Noah inside him, loves being filled like this, loves giving Noah pleasure this way.
Noah is sweating and arching up from the mattress, and Luke is pretty sure he’s doing something very right here, because it doesn’t take long before Noah comes with a wrecked, helpless sound that goes straight to Luke’s groin.
Luke swallows what Noah gives him (and god, he’s never cared much for swallowing before, but now he greedily takes all of it, loving the idea of having a part of Noah in him like that) and sits up, looking down on Noah’s trembling (gorgeous) body with a smug grin.
He can’t help but feel quite proud of himself.
####
A few minutes later it’s Luke’s turn to be on his back with Noah on top of him.
Noah is already starting to move down Luke’s body, clearly with a goal in mind, but Luke stops him before he can get too far.
“No, up here,” he murmurs, trying to pull Noah back up so he can kiss him.
“But I want to return the favor,” Noah protests, almost pouting, and if it was a different time Luke might have laughed at his expression.
“No,” Luke repeats, pulling on Noah’s arm until Noah finally returns to be face to face with Luke. He looks into Noah’s eyes and whispers, “I want you inside when I come.”
Noah stills on top of him and just stares at him for a moment, but then he nods and crashes his mouth to Luke’s. “Yes,” he breathes into the kiss. “Yes.”
After that they don’t really take it slow any longer. It’s like a switch has been flipped and everything changes.
Luke is finding it more and more difficult to think clearly, especially when Noah starts using his fingers to prepare him. It’s utter and total bliss, and Luke closes his eyes and just lets himself focus on how amazing it feels to have Noah inside him like that, stretching and preparing him so perfectly, so gently. He only vaguely registers that Noah somehow manages to fish the lube and a condom out of the nightstand drawer with his free hand.
When Noah pulls his fingers out Luke lets out a small whine of disappointment, even though he knows it’s only temporary, knows that Noah will be back soon and that it will get even better. He tries to get his breathing under control while he waits, but he’s impatient and he wants Noah inside now. He’s been waiting for this moment for over a year and he’s not willing to wait even a second longer.
“Noah, come on,” he urges, fumbling for Noah. “I want you.”
Noah is struggling to get the condom on, and Luke notices that his hands are shaking. It makes him feel suddenly warm inside, and he realizes that this, the two of them together like this, is as huge and life-changing to Noah as it is to Luke. They’re really doing this and this time, it really matters.
Noah returns then, covering Luke with his body, and it’s perfect. Noah’s weight on him, pushing him down into the mattress - somehow it makes him feel safe, loved, wanted. Luke doesn’t think he’s ever felt happier or more content than right at this moment, despite the anticipation for more.
And then, finally, Noah pushes inside and it gets even better.
Well, at least it does after the initial pain has subsided. It’s been a while, and Luke needs a moment to adjust to the intrusion, adjust to the feeling of having Noah there, big and solid and… big. It feels good, though. It feels… right. And Noah is so attentive, so caring - he kisses Luke softly and murmurs all kinds of sweet things that make Luke just melt while the pain slowly turns to pleasure.
And then Noah starts moving. And Luke just stops thinking all together.
He comes almost embarrassingly fast, but he can’t be bothered to care. Noah needs a few more strokes, but then he comes too, and they fall together in a heap of limbs.
Nothing has ever felt like this.
####
“I love you,” Luke whispers softly a few minutes later as they lie wrapped up in each other’s arms. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt this good or this happy. He’s exactly where he’s supposed to be.
“Really?” Noah whispers back.
“Really,” Luke confirms with a kiss to Noah’s chest.
“I love you, too,” Noah says and pulls Luke tighter into his arms.
“Well, that’s a relief. Because you’re not getting rid of me anytime soon. You’re stuck with me now, Noah Mayer. And I hope you’re okay with that.”
“I’m okay with that,” Noah says, and Luke can hear the smile in his voice. “You have no idea how okay I am. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to come around.”
“It’s okay. You’re worth waiting for.”
Noah goes quiet then, and Luke pulls away from Noah a little and turns his head so he can see his face. Noah isn’t smiling anymore. Instead Luke sees that other Noah, that scared Noah, the little boy who lost his mother and was forced to grow up with a father who didn’t love him, at least the way that Noah needed, and then the young man who was betrayed by the person he loved and trusted the most. It’s all there in Noah’s face now and Luke suddenly realizes why.
Noah doesn’t believe Luke. He doesn’t believe he’s worth it.
Luke makes a promise to himself, then. A promise to spend the rest of his life showing Noah that he’s worth more than anything else in Luke’s world.
He might as well start right away.
“Just let me love you,” he whispers, pressing his lips softly to Noah’s. He loves that he’s allowed to use that big word with Noah now. “Let me show you how amazing I think you are. I want to keep you around for as long as you want me. After all, I’ve lived with you this whole year - that should be proof enough that I’m suited for the task.”
Noah laughs a little then, and it’s light and happy and carefully optimistic. It’s a start. Noah’s worries are seemingly chased away for the time being. He wraps his arms around Luke again and Luke finds himself being held tight, wonderfully tight, perfectly tight.
After a while he leans in and presses another kiss to what will surely become a favorite area of his - Noah’s lovely chest. Luke’s pretty sure he’ll discover lots of favorite spots in the future.
Then he grins up at Noah, feeling happy and wicked and perfect when he murmurs, “You wouldn’t happen to have more pictures lying around, would you?”
- END -