kbl_reversebang: In My Life I Love You More, Part 1
Title: In My Life I Love You More (1/7)
Author: moongirl24
Artist: emc14
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don’t own Glee or its characters. I’m just borrowing them.
Characters/Pairings: Kurt/Blaine, Burt Hummel, Tina Cohen-Chang, Sam Evans, Mrs. Anderson, other Glee characters
Word Count: ~36,600 words
Warnings: Some homophobia, bullying, mention of violence, mention of character deaths (not Kurt or Blaine!)
Summary: It’s not easy being secretly in love with your best friend. Especially when your name is Blaine Anderson, the year is 1965 and your best friend is a boy.
Story Master Post | Art
Part 1 - I’ve Just Seen a Face
Lima, Ohio, 1965
Blaine Anderson realizes he’s in love with Kurt Hummel on a Wednesday.
It starts off as a pretty ordinary Wednesday. Blaine is sitting in math class, listening to the teacher speaking about geometry. That’s what he’s supposed to be doing, anyway. As it is, his mind is focused on mentally picturing the chords to the Beatles song he’s currently trying to learn on guitar. He loves Eight Days a Week, but it’s been difficult to get it right. He’s not quite able to get it to sound the way the Beatles do and it’s getting frustrating.
Then again, no one will ever sound as good as the Beatles.
After a while his thoughts start to drift away from the chords and his attention is instead drawn towards Kurt, his best friend, who’s sitting at the desk right next to Blaine’s. The sun is filtering through the classroom windows, bathing Kurt in soft, golden light that makes him look like he’s glowing. He looks almost ethereal all of a sudden, and with a start Blaine starts to notice things about him that he hasn’t really thought about before.
He suddenly notices how flawless and soft Kurt’s skin looks, which he supposes has to do with how much time and effort Kurt put into his skin care routines. (Blaine has never really understood Kurt’s obsession with it before, but he can see now that it has its benefits.)
He notices how nicely styled Kurt’s hair is, how his clothes fit him so perfectly in Kurt’s own unique style, and it’s not like he has been completely unaware of those things before, but he now finds himself… appreciating them in a whole new way.
His eyes suddenly want to linger on the lines of Kurt’s shoulders and the elegant curve of his neck, the way he keeps his head held high, holding himself with so much grace and pride because that’s who he is.
He notices Kurt’s eyes, his nose, his defined bone structure that makes his face so much more interesting than everyone else’s.
He finds himself staring at Kurt’s mouth, his lips, wondering what it would feel like to-
Blaine startles in his seat and the world seems to stop for a moment. He blinks, and then blinks again, as realization slowly begins to dawn on him.
And then he finally gets it.
Suddenly he understands why he’s never been interested in girls the way most of his friends are. He understands why he’s never paid much attention to their soft curves and round breasts, why Sam’s endless chatter about girls, and about kissing girls, mostly just bore him.
Blaine doesn’t want to kiss girls. He wants to kiss Kurt.
He finds it harder to breathe all of a sudden, and it’s completely impossible to tear his eyes away from Kurt. How come he’s never noticed how stunningly beautiful Kurt is?
It isn’t until Sam pokes him in the back with his pencil that Blaine manages to pull his gaze away. He answers Sam’s whispered question to borrow a pencil sharpener by wordlessly handing him one, still in a daze, still stunned by his revelation.
The rest of the class is spent stealing glances at Kurt and not hearing a word the teacher says.
----
Alone in his room that afternoon, Blaine speaks the word out loud for the first time in his life.
Gay.
He’s heard the word before, of course. Being gay is not unheard of, but it isn’t something that people talk about either. And when they do it’s always in hushed voices and unfavorable manners, like it’s an ugly secret that shouldn’t be spoken out loud, because doing so might encourage it, and encouraging it is the last thing you want to do.
Blaine has never thought much about it. Why would he? Being gay is something that those activists that he’s seen on TV and heard about in the news are. It’s never had anything to do with him.
Until now.
He says it again, experimentally, tasting it on his tongue.
Gay.
Is Blaine really… like that? Like those people that shouldn’t be talked about? He isn’t quite able to identify himself with them because he’s just Blaine, a normal kid from small town Ohio. At least, he thought he was normal.
Apparently he isn’t. It’s not normal to want to kiss your best friend. Not when your best friend is a guy and you’re a guy, too.
He sighs and grabs his guitar, playing a few random chords before launching into the first Beatles song that comes to mind. He just needs to focus on something else right now and music has rarely failed him in the past.
Tonight, however, nothing really seems to help.
----
Over the next couple of days it only gets worse.
Now that he’s discovered that there is a different way to look at Kurt, he can’t seem to stop doing just that. No matter what Kurt says or does, Blaine finds it utterly adorable and charming. He realizes that there’s genuine attraction going on here. He’s actually attracted to Kurt in a way that is completely new and foreign to him. What happened in math class on Wednesday wasn’t just a crazy moment of weirdness. It was the beginning of something that seems to grow bigger and bigger every time he spends time with Kurt, or talks with him, or just… looks him. And to be honest, it scares him a little. Or a lot.
On Friday at the beginning of lunch hour, Kurt finds him by his locker.
“Whatever plans you have tonight, they are now canceled,” he says by way of greeting.
“Okay,” Blaine agrees easily because he doesn’t actually have any plans tonight. Nothing other than playing Beatles songs on his guitar, most likely sad love songs about Kurt. “What’s up?”
“Well,” Kurt says, clearly excited, if the way he seems unable to stand still is any indication. “My dad said I can borrow his car tonight. Which means that you and I are going to the movies.”
“We are?” Blaine’s heart sinks a little, because that sounds undeniably date-like and that’s the last thing he should be doing with Kurt right now.
“The Sound of Music, Blaine!” Kurt exclaims, sounding exasperated. “We’ve talked about it for weeks.”
Right, they have. Kurt, in particular. A new Julie Andrews movie is a big thing for him, as big as a new Beatles record would be for Blaine. And Blaine already agreed to hang out with Kurt tonight. There’s no way he’s going to get out of this one.
“What time does it start?” He relents with a small sigh.
Kurt’s face brightens as he claps his hands together excitedly. It’s such a typical Kurt thing to do, but how come Blaine’s never noticed how cute he looks when he’s doing it?
“It starts at seven,” Kurt says, grabbing the strap of the bag that hangs from his shoulder. “I can pick you up at your house at six?”
Date, a voice inside his head tells him.
No, not a date, he mentally protests, because it’s not. Two boys don’t go on dates together. Besides, he and Kurt have done stuff like this together a hundred times before; this is no different than any of those times. It shouldn’t be, anyway.
“Sounds good,” he says simply, and Kurt flashes him another smile, and why are his smiles suddenly so distracting?
The rest of day carries on the same way. It’s extremely tiring that every single thing he does with Kurt suddenly holds an entirely different meaning. Having lunch together (though their friends are there too, so it’s not like it’s just the two of them). Walking to class together. And then, tonight, their movie date. Which is not a date.
It’s all very confusing.
After school, Blaine spends an hour in the library, discreetly looking up the words “gay” and “homosexuality” in various books and encyclopedias. But he doesn’t find much information, and what he does find is all very neutral and dry, and doesn’t tell him anything he doesn’t already know. He’s not sure what he expected. Maybe just something to tell him that this is all okay, that he isn’t sick or crazy.
He doesn’t find it.
Blaine finally walks out of the library, defeated. But as he rides his bike home he remembers that he’s going to the movies with Kurt tonight, and that lifts his spirit somewhat. It may all be very complicated right now, but despite everything, Blaine is always, always happy to spend time with Kurt.
----
Blaine spends a long time getting ready that night. He hasn’t cared much about appearances before, but suddenly it seems important to look his best for Kurt. Plus, he knows that Kurt appreciates it when he puts some effort into dressing up and looking good.
He’s ready a quarter to six and spends the time until Kurt arrives in the living room watching TV with his mother. She throws him a considering look.
“You look nice, honey.”
“Thank you,” he replies.
“Are you going someplace special?” The question is innocent enough, but he can hear the underlying hope in her voice.
“Just to the movies. With Kurt.”
She’s quiet for a moment. “You spend a lot of time with Kurt,” she says.
It’s not actually a question but he replies anyway. “Of course I do. He’s my best friend.”
“And he’s a very nice boy,” his mother says quickly. “His father is a good, hard-working man.” She’s quiet again, and Blaine knows what’s coming. “Maybe next Friday you can invite a girl to the movies with you.”
Blaine barely keeps himself from sighing. They’ve had this conversation so many times. “Mom, when I find a girl that I like, I’ll be sure to ask her out.”
“I just worry about you, honey,” she tells him. “You spend so much time in your room and with Kurt. I wouldn’t want you to miss out on anything.”
“I don’t.” And then, because it feels important to point it out, “And Kurt isn’t the only one I spend time with. There’s Sam and Mike, too.”
The doorbell rings then, and Blaine jumps to his feet, eager for the conversation to be over. As he makes his way towards the hallway, his mother calls after him, “Remember your curfew!”
“I will!” he calls back before opening the door and revealing Kurt, who looks absolutely stunning in black slacks, a white shirt and grey vest, and his ever-present tie. His hair is as always styled to perfection and his smile is wide and radiant. The fact that Kurt looks good is nothing new, but right now he almost takes Blaine’s breath away.
“Hi,” Kurt says, his entire body seeming to buzz with excitement. “Are you ready?”
Blaine swallows and nods. “Yeah. Let’s go.”
They climb into Mr. Hummel’s old Ford and Kurt starts driving towards the movie theater in the center of Lima. It’s only a short drive, and after parking the car and buying tickets they find a place to sit while they wait for the movie to begin. Kurt chats nonstop about his expectations for the movie and that’s a huge relief to Blaine because he isn’t sure he would’ve been able to hide his troubled state of mind from Kurt if Kurt wasn’t so focused on something else. As it is, Blaine really just has to nod and smile and agree with whatever Kurt says.
Just as they’re about to enter the movie theater, Blaine catches sight of some familiar faces in the now quite large crowd of people waiting to be let in. “Isn’t that Rachel and Finn?” He asks, nodding his head discreetly in their direction.
Kurt looks over at them. “Yeah. I guess they really are dating then.” He pauses, considering. “I can’t say I understand what she sees in him.”
Blaine watches them for a while. They look happy. They are smiling and holding hands, and Rachel looks really pretty in her flowery dress. A pang of sadness hits him unexpectedly. If he really is… gay, then he won’t ever be able to do that. Go on dates with the person he likes, hold hands and flirt in public. He’s not sure, exactly, what would happen if he did, but he isn’t particularly eager to find out. It wouldn’t be pleasant, that’s the only thing he knows.
“Blaine? Are you okay?” He turns to find Kurt considering him, eyebrows furrowed. “You’ve been very quiet tonight. Aren’t you excited about the movie?”
“Of course I am.” He gives Kurt a smile that he hopes is bright enough to convince him. “I’m sorry, I just have some stuff on my mind.”
Kurt’s expression turns into more of a frown. “What kind of stuff? There’s nothing wrong, is there?”
“No, no.” He waves it away. “Just some stuff with my parents.”
That’s not completely untrue, considering the talk he had with his mother before he left the house earlier. He just hopes it’s enough to get Kurt to back off.
Luckily he never has to find out. Because the doors to the theater open just then, and people begin to make their way inside. “Come on,” he says quickly, before Kurt has time to ask any more questions. “Let’s go in.”
Kurt’s considering gaze lingers on him for a moment longer, but clearly he’s too excited about the movie to focus more on Blaine for the time being. So, instead of saying anything else he just nods and they walk inside and find their seats.
However, as soon as they’re seated and Blaine starts to look around, he can’t help but notice all the couples around them. There are a few groups of girls in the theater as well, but there’s no doubt that the majority of the people there are couples. And as far as Blaine can see, he and Kurt are the only guys who aren’t there with a girl.
He’s never thought much about stuff like this before - he and Kurt have always liked doing things that aren’t typically guy-like - but suddenly he’s hyperaware of it. What do other people think when they see him and Kurt together like this? Do they suspect anything? Not that there’s much to suspect because it’s not like they’re anything other than friends, but still. Is it enough for people to figure out that Blaine is… different?
Once the movie starts, with a beautiful landscape and Julie Andrews twirling and singing out on a green meadow, Blaine is finally able to put his thoughts to rest for a while. The movie is great and it feels really good to sit back and just take in what happens on the screen instead of listening to his chaotic mind.
But then, despite the dim light in the theater, he happens to notice Kurt’s hand lying on the armrest between their seats, and after that he isn’t able to focus so much on the movie anymore. Instead he stares at that hand, overcome with an intense urge to reach out and rest his own hand on top, to link his fingers with Kurt’s and have that connection with him.
It shocks him how much he wants it, and he’s almost surprised that he manages to hold himself back.
He steals a glance at Kurt, just to see if he’s noticed the staring, but Kurt seems completely engrossed by the movie. His eyes are large, like a small child’s, a little smile playing on his lips. He looks adorable.
Blaine relaxes a little and lets himself look at Kurt for a while longer, and then, with a fond smile, he forces his attention back to the movie and is proud when he’s able to keep it there until the credits start rolling.
Afterwards, in the car driving home, Kurt talks animatedly, all the way to Blaine’s house. Blaine hardly gets a word in, but that’s okay. He likes seeing Kurt excited.
----
“Oh man, did you see Brittany today?” Sam leans closer to Blaine over the table at the Lima Bean, the newly opened coffeehouse in town, like he’s going to share some sort of secret with him.
“Um, I guess.” Blaine takes a careful sip of his steaming hot coffee. “Why?”
Sam looks at him incredulously. “Why? Didn’t you see what she was wearing?”
Blaine racks his brain, but he can’t remember anything in particular. When he continues to look blank, Sam shakes his head.
“You didn’t notice the tiny mini skirt? Or that top? That very… generous cut top? She looked fine, man.”
It suddenly hits Blaine that he has to lie. At least if he wants to avoid Sam starting to ask questions or thinking that he’s weird. And that is something that he needs to avoid at all costs. So he gives Sam a wide grin that he hopes looks genuine. “I’m kidding, of course I noticed. How could I not?”
Sam looks almost relieved and his grin widens. “I know! Everyone noticed. At least all the guys did.” He leans in closer. “I asked her out.”
“You did?” Blaine is surprised, but he supposes he shouldn’t be - Sam’s been interested in Brittany for a while now. “What did she say?”
“Well, that’s the thing…” He looks at Blaine. “She said she’ll come if Santana can come, too.”
Blaine furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “That’s… a little weird.”
“Not if you come with us.”
Blaine sits back in his chair. He blinks. “You want… you want me to go out with you, Brittany and Santana Lopez?”
“Please, man? I really want this date with Brittany, and if you come then you can entertain Santana so Brittany and I can have some alone time together.”
Blaine just stares at him. “You’re joking, right?”
“Um… no?”
“In what world would you think that I would want to go out with Santana Lopez? We have nothing in common, Sam. I don’t even like her.” He shakes his head. Because really, Santana Lopez? Even if he did like girls, she would’ve been the last one he would want to go out with. To be honest, she kind of scares him.
“Oh, come on, Blaine. Help a friend out here.”
Blaine shakes his head again. “No. It’s not going to happen. Why don’t you ask Mike instead? Or wait, ask Puck. Everybody knows that he and Santana get along.”
Sam makes a small grimace, clearly knowing what Blaine means by ‘getting along’. But he actually seems to consider Blaine’s suggestion.
Blaine finishes the last of his coffee and gets to his feet. “I have to go.”
Sam looks disappointed. “Are you going to hang out with Kurt again?”
Blaine startles a little. Are people noticing how much time he and Kurt spend together? Do they suspect anything? “No,” he says truthfully. “I promised I’d be home for dinner. My dad is actually eating with us, for once.”
“Okay.” Sam seems to settle for that. “I guess I’ll see you at school tomorrow, then.”
“Yeah.” Blaine nods. “See you.”
Blaine feels a bit uneasy as he walks outside to find his bike. And more than a little shaken. Shaken by the realization of how easy it would be for him to say or do something that would make people start asking questions. He honestly didn’t notice anything special about Brittany today, but it sounded like he should have. Any normal boy would have.
And that leads him to the thing that shook him the most during his conversation with Sam.
Blaine’s not normal. Not according to what most people think anyway. There are things about him that are different and that isn’t going to change. He’s never going to fall in love with a girl. And in a way he’s known that ever since that day in the classroom, but somehow he didn’t fully understand what it means until now.
It means hiding. Pretending to be someone else than who he truly is. It means having to lie, to his family, to his friends. It means not being able to marry, have a family. Not being able to be affectionate with someone in public. It could mean that he’ll never get a chance to find a special someone.
It means that he has feelings that a lot of people, most people probably, find disgusting and wrong.
Blaine sits through dinner with his parents without saying much. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt so lonely.
Part 2
Author: moongirl24
Artist: emc14
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don’t own Glee or its characters. I’m just borrowing them.
Characters/Pairings: Kurt/Blaine, Burt Hummel, Tina Cohen-Chang, Sam Evans, Mrs. Anderson, other Glee characters
Word Count: ~36,600 words
Warnings: Some homophobia, bullying, mention of violence, mention of character deaths (not Kurt or Blaine!)
Summary: It’s not easy being secretly in love with your best friend. Especially when your name is Blaine Anderson, the year is 1965 and your best friend is a boy.
Story Master Post | Art
Part 1 - I’ve Just Seen a Face
Lima, Ohio, 1965
Blaine Anderson realizes he’s in love with Kurt Hummel on a Wednesday.
It starts off as a pretty ordinary Wednesday. Blaine is sitting in math class, listening to the teacher speaking about geometry. That’s what he’s supposed to be doing, anyway. As it is, his mind is focused on mentally picturing the chords to the Beatles song he’s currently trying to learn on guitar. He loves Eight Days a Week, but it’s been difficult to get it right. He’s not quite able to get it to sound the way the Beatles do and it’s getting frustrating.
Then again, no one will ever sound as good as the Beatles.
After a while his thoughts start to drift away from the chords and his attention is instead drawn towards Kurt, his best friend, who’s sitting at the desk right next to Blaine’s. The sun is filtering through the classroom windows, bathing Kurt in soft, golden light that makes him look like he’s glowing. He looks almost ethereal all of a sudden, and with a start Blaine starts to notice things about him that he hasn’t really thought about before.
He suddenly notices how flawless and soft Kurt’s skin looks, which he supposes has to do with how much time and effort Kurt put into his skin care routines. (Blaine has never really understood Kurt’s obsession with it before, but he can see now that it has its benefits.)
He notices how nicely styled Kurt’s hair is, how his clothes fit him so perfectly in Kurt’s own unique style, and it’s not like he has been completely unaware of those things before, but he now finds himself… appreciating them in a whole new way.
His eyes suddenly want to linger on the lines of Kurt’s shoulders and the elegant curve of his neck, the way he keeps his head held high, holding himself with so much grace and pride because that’s who he is.
He notices Kurt’s eyes, his nose, his defined bone structure that makes his face so much more interesting than everyone else’s.
He finds himself staring at Kurt’s mouth, his lips, wondering what it would feel like to-
Blaine startles in his seat and the world seems to stop for a moment. He blinks, and then blinks again, as realization slowly begins to dawn on him.
And then he finally gets it.
Suddenly he understands why he’s never been interested in girls the way most of his friends are. He understands why he’s never paid much attention to their soft curves and round breasts, why Sam’s endless chatter about girls, and about kissing girls, mostly just bore him.
Blaine doesn’t want to kiss girls. He wants to kiss Kurt.
He finds it harder to breathe all of a sudden, and it’s completely impossible to tear his eyes away from Kurt. How come he’s never noticed how stunningly beautiful Kurt is?
It isn’t until Sam pokes him in the back with his pencil that Blaine manages to pull his gaze away. He answers Sam’s whispered question to borrow a pencil sharpener by wordlessly handing him one, still in a daze, still stunned by his revelation.
The rest of the class is spent stealing glances at Kurt and not hearing a word the teacher says.
----
Alone in his room that afternoon, Blaine speaks the word out loud for the first time in his life.
Gay.
He’s heard the word before, of course. Being gay is not unheard of, but it isn’t something that people talk about either. And when they do it’s always in hushed voices and unfavorable manners, like it’s an ugly secret that shouldn’t be spoken out loud, because doing so might encourage it, and encouraging it is the last thing you want to do.
Blaine has never thought much about it. Why would he? Being gay is something that those activists that he’s seen on TV and heard about in the news are. It’s never had anything to do with him.
Until now.
He says it again, experimentally, tasting it on his tongue.
Gay.
Is Blaine really… like that? Like those people that shouldn’t be talked about? He isn’t quite able to identify himself with them because he’s just Blaine, a normal kid from small town Ohio. At least, he thought he was normal.
Apparently he isn’t. It’s not normal to want to kiss your best friend. Not when your best friend is a guy and you’re a guy, too.
He sighs and grabs his guitar, playing a few random chords before launching into the first Beatles song that comes to mind. He just needs to focus on something else right now and music has rarely failed him in the past.
Tonight, however, nothing really seems to help.
----
Over the next couple of days it only gets worse.
Now that he’s discovered that there is a different way to look at Kurt, he can’t seem to stop doing just that. No matter what Kurt says or does, Blaine finds it utterly adorable and charming. He realizes that there’s genuine attraction going on here. He’s actually attracted to Kurt in a way that is completely new and foreign to him. What happened in math class on Wednesday wasn’t just a crazy moment of weirdness. It was the beginning of something that seems to grow bigger and bigger every time he spends time with Kurt, or talks with him, or just… looks him. And to be honest, it scares him a little. Or a lot.
On Friday at the beginning of lunch hour, Kurt finds him by his locker.
“Whatever plans you have tonight, they are now canceled,” he says by way of greeting.
“Okay,” Blaine agrees easily because he doesn’t actually have any plans tonight. Nothing other than playing Beatles songs on his guitar, most likely sad love songs about Kurt. “What’s up?”
“Well,” Kurt says, clearly excited, if the way he seems unable to stand still is any indication. “My dad said I can borrow his car tonight. Which means that you and I are going to the movies.”
“We are?” Blaine’s heart sinks a little, because that sounds undeniably date-like and that’s the last thing he should be doing with Kurt right now.
“The Sound of Music, Blaine!” Kurt exclaims, sounding exasperated. “We’ve talked about it for weeks.”
Right, they have. Kurt, in particular. A new Julie Andrews movie is a big thing for him, as big as a new Beatles record would be for Blaine. And Blaine already agreed to hang out with Kurt tonight. There’s no way he’s going to get out of this one.
“What time does it start?” He relents with a small sigh.
Kurt’s face brightens as he claps his hands together excitedly. It’s such a typical Kurt thing to do, but how come Blaine’s never noticed how cute he looks when he’s doing it?
“It starts at seven,” Kurt says, grabbing the strap of the bag that hangs from his shoulder. “I can pick you up at your house at six?”
Date, a voice inside his head tells him.
No, not a date, he mentally protests, because it’s not. Two boys don’t go on dates together. Besides, he and Kurt have done stuff like this together a hundred times before; this is no different than any of those times. It shouldn’t be, anyway.
“Sounds good,” he says simply, and Kurt flashes him another smile, and why are his smiles suddenly so distracting?
The rest of day carries on the same way. It’s extremely tiring that every single thing he does with Kurt suddenly holds an entirely different meaning. Having lunch together (though their friends are there too, so it’s not like it’s just the two of them). Walking to class together. And then, tonight, their movie date. Which is not a date.
It’s all very confusing.
After school, Blaine spends an hour in the library, discreetly looking up the words “gay” and “homosexuality” in various books and encyclopedias. But he doesn’t find much information, and what he does find is all very neutral and dry, and doesn’t tell him anything he doesn’t already know. He’s not sure what he expected. Maybe just something to tell him that this is all okay, that he isn’t sick or crazy.
He doesn’t find it.
Blaine finally walks out of the library, defeated. But as he rides his bike home he remembers that he’s going to the movies with Kurt tonight, and that lifts his spirit somewhat. It may all be very complicated right now, but despite everything, Blaine is always, always happy to spend time with Kurt.
----
Blaine spends a long time getting ready that night. He hasn’t cared much about appearances before, but suddenly it seems important to look his best for Kurt. Plus, he knows that Kurt appreciates it when he puts some effort into dressing up and looking good.
He’s ready a quarter to six and spends the time until Kurt arrives in the living room watching TV with his mother. She throws him a considering look.
“You look nice, honey.”
“Thank you,” he replies.
“Are you going someplace special?” The question is innocent enough, but he can hear the underlying hope in her voice.
“Just to the movies. With Kurt.”
She’s quiet for a moment. “You spend a lot of time with Kurt,” she says.
It’s not actually a question but he replies anyway. “Of course I do. He’s my best friend.”
“And he’s a very nice boy,” his mother says quickly. “His father is a good, hard-working man.” She’s quiet again, and Blaine knows what’s coming. “Maybe next Friday you can invite a girl to the movies with you.”
Blaine barely keeps himself from sighing. They’ve had this conversation so many times. “Mom, when I find a girl that I like, I’ll be sure to ask her out.”
“I just worry about you, honey,” she tells him. “You spend so much time in your room and with Kurt. I wouldn’t want you to miss out on anything.”
“I don’t.” And then, because it feels important to point it out, “And Kurt isn’t the only one I spend time with. There’s Sam and Mike, too.”
The doorbell rings then, and Blaine jumps to his feet, eager for the conversation to be over. As he makes his way towards the hallway, his mother calls after him, “Remember your curfew!”
“I will!” he calls back before opening the door and revealing Kurt, who looks absolutely stunning in black slacks, a white shirt and grey vest, and his ever-present tie. His hair is as always styled to perfection and his smile is wide and radiant. The fact that Kurt looks good is nothing new, but right now he almost takes Blaine’s breath away.
“Hi,” Kurt says, his entire body seeming to buzz with excitement. “Are you ready?”
Blaine swallows and nods. “Yeah. Let’s go.”
They climb into Mr. Hummel’s old Ford and Kurt starts driving towards the movie theater in the center of Lima. It’s only a short drive, and after parking the car and buying tickets they find a place to sit while they wait for the movie to begin. Kurt chats nonstop about his expectations for the movie and that’s a huge relief to Blaine because he isn’t sure he would’ve been able to hide his troubled state of mind from Kurt if Kurt wasn’t so focused on something else. As it is, Blaine really just has to nod and smile and agree with whatever Kurt says.
Just as they’re about to enter the movie theater, Blaine catches sight of some familiar faces in the now quite large crowd of people waiting to be let in. “Isn’t that Rachel and Finn?” He asks, nodding his head discreetly in their direction.
Kurt looks over at them. “Yeah. I guess they really are dating then.” He pauses, considering. “I can’t say I understand what she sees in him.”
Blaine watches them for a while. They look happy. They are smiling and holding hands, and Rachel looks really pretty in her flowery dress. A pang of sadness hits him unexpectedly. If he really is… gay, then he won’t ever be able to do that. Go on dates with the person he likes, hold hands and flirt in public. He’s not sure, exactly, what would happen if he did, but he isn’t particularly eager to find out. It wouldn’t be pleasant, that’s the only thing he knows.
“Blaine? Are you okay?” He turns to find Kurt considering him, eyebrows furrowed. “You’ve been very quiet tonight. Aren’t you excited about the movie?”
“Of course I am.” He gives Kurt a smile that he hopes is bright enough to convince him. “I’m sorry, I just have some stuff on my mind.”
Kurt’s expression turns into more of a frown. “What kind of stuff? There’s nothing wrong, is there?”
“No, no.” He waves it away. “Just some stuff with my parents.”
That’s not completely untrue, considering the talk he had with his mother before he left the house earlier. He just hopes it’s enough to get Kurt to back off.
Luckily he never has to find out. Because the doors to the theater open just then, and people begin to make their way inside. “Come on,” he says quickly, before Kurt has time to ask any more questions. “Let’s go in.”
Kurt’s considering gaze lingers on him for a moment longer, but clearly he’s too excited about the movie to focus more on Blaine for the time being. So, instead of saying anything else he just nods and they walk inside and find their seats.
However, as soon as they’re seated and Blaine starts to look around, he can’t help but notice all the couples around them. There are a few groups of girls in the theater as well, but there’s no doubt that the majority of the people there are couples. And as far as Blaine can see, he and Kurt are the only guys who aren’t there with a girl.
He’s never thought much about stuff like this before - he and Kurt have always liked doing things that aren’t typically guy-like - but suddenly he’s hyperaware of it. What do other people think when they see him and Kurt together like this? Do they suspect anything? Not that there’s much to suspect because it’s not like they’re anything other than friends, but still. Is it enough for people to figure out that Blaine is… different?
Once the movie starts, with a beautiful landscape and Julie Andrews twirling and singing out on a green meadow, Blaine is finally able to put his thoughts to rest for a while. The movie is great and it feels really good to sit back and just take in what happens on the screen instead of listening to his chaotic mind.
But then, despite the dim light in the theater, he happens to notice Kurt’s hand lying on the armrest between their seats, and after that he isn’t able to focus so much on the movie anymore. Instead he stares at that hand, overcome with an intense urge to reach out and rest his own hand on top, to link his fingers with Kurt’s and have that connection with him.
It shocks him how much he wants it, and he’s almost surprised that he manages to hold himself back.
He steals a glance at Kurt, just to see if he’s noticed the staring, but Kurt seems completely engrossed by the movie. His eyes are large, like a small child’s, a little smile playing on his lips. He looks adorable.
Blaine relaxes a little and lets himself look at Kurt for a while longer, and then, with a fond smile, he forces his attention back to the movie and is proud when he’s able to keep it there until the credits start rolling.
Afterwards, in the car driving home, Kurt talks animatedly, all the way to Blaine’s house. Blaine hardly gets a word in, but that’s okay. He likes seeing Kurt excited.
----
“Oh man, did you see Brittany today?” Sam leans closer to Blaine over the table at the Lima Bean, the newly opened coffeehouse in town, like he’s going to share some sort of secret with him.
“Um, I guess.” Blaine takes a careful sip of his steaming hot coffee. “Why?”
Sam looks at him incredulously. “Why? Didn’t you see what she was wearing?”
Blaine racks his brain, but he can’t remember anything in particular. When he continues to look blank, Sam shakes his head.
“You didn’t notice the tiny mini skirt? Or that top? That very… generous cut top? She looked fine, man.”
It suddenly hits Blaine that he has to lie. At least if he wants to avoid Sam starting to ask questions or thinking that he’s weird. And that is something that he needs to avoid at all costs. So he gives Sam a wide grin that he hopes looks genuine. “I’m kidding, of course I noticed. How could I not?”
Sam looks almost relieved and his grin widens. “I know! Everyone noticed. At least all the guys did.” He leans in closer. “I asked her out.”
“You did?” Blaine is surprised, but he supposes he shouldn’t be - Sam’s been interested in Brittany for a while now. “What did she say?”
“Well, that’s the thing…” He looks at Blaine. “She said she’ll come if Santana can come, too.”
Blaine furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “That’s… a little weird.”
“Not if you come with us.”
Blaine sits back in his chair. He blinks. “You want… you want me to go out with you, Brittany and Santana Lopez?”
“Please, man? I really want this date with Brittany, and if you come then you can entertain Santana so Brittany and I can have some alone time together.”
Blaine just stares at him. “You’re joking, right?”
“Um… no?”
“In what world would you think that I would want to go out with Santana Lopez? We have nothing in common, Sam. I don’t even like her.” He shakes his head. Because really, Santana Lopez? Even if he did like girls, she would’ve been the last one he would want to go out with. To be honest, she kind of scares him.
“Oh, come on, Blaine. Help a friend out here.”
Blaine shakes his head again. “No. It’s not going to happen. Why don’t you ask Mike instead? Or wait, ask Puck. Everybody knows that he and Santana get along.”
Sam makes a small grimace, clearly knowing what Blaine means by ‘getting along’. But he actually seems to consider Blaine’s suggestion.
Blaine finishes the last of his coffee and gets to his feet. “I have to go.”
Sam looks disappointed. “Are you going to hang out with Kurt again?”
Blaine startles a little. Are people noticing how much time he and Kurt spend together? Do they suspect anything? “No,” he says truthfully. “I promised I’d be home for dinner. My dad is actually eating with us, for once.”
“Okay.” Sam seems to settle for that. “I guess I’ll see you at school tomorrow, then.”
“Yeah.” Blaine nods. “See you.”
Blaine feels a bit uneasy as he walks outside to find his bike. And more than a little shaken. Shaken by the realization of how easy it would be for him to say or do something that would make people start asking questions. He honestly didn’t notice anything special about Brittany today, but it sounded like he should have. Any normal boy would have.
And that leads him to the thing that shook him the most during his conversation with Sam.
Blaine’s not normal. Not according to what most people think anyway. There are things about him that are different and that isn’t going to change. He’s never going to fall in love with a girl. And in a way he’s known that ever since that day in the classroom, but somehow he didn’t fully understand what it means until now.
It means hiding. Pretending to be someone else than who he truly is. It means having to lie, to his family, to his friends. It means not being able to marry, have a family. Not being able to be affectionate with someone in public. It could mean that he’ll never get a chance to find a special someone.
It means that he has feelings that a lot of people, most people probably, find disgusting and wrong.
Blaine sits through dinner with his parents without saying much. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt so lonely.
Part 2