Birth Story...aka the failed homebirth.

[moondrunk]

First, thank you for all the congratulations and well wishes. I wish I could reply to them all but I decided most of you were probably more interested in what's below.

I've cut this into sections. A lot of it is angsty; I did not get the birth I wanted, or anything close, and that hurts.

Comments

[lilpix33]

Oh Hon...I don't know what to say. I want to bash the faces of the nurses that ignored you after the c-section was done. I want to hug you both tightly and tell you it's ok. You tried so hard, and it's so unfair how it ended. Hang in there...not getting the birth you want is hard, but you can heal. And I would do more research before deciding for sure if you are or aren't a vbac candidate, if you ever decide to have kids again. But for now, put all that out of your head, and just focus on Lily. She's so adorable! I want to snorgle her! She's such a doll ♥

I know none of that helps much :(

[moondrunk]

Thank you. I actually feel so much better after writing it out...

If we decide to have more kids I definitely plan on researching vbac...at this point this was so traumatic, both the pregnancy and the labor/delivery, that it hurts to think of a second at the moment. That will probably change, but for now I'm content to just hold my daughter and learn who she is :)

Thank you for the support. It helps knowing that it isn't just that I have a skewed perspective - there really were some messed up things that happened.

[kokeshikitten]

I am so very sorry you didn't get the birth experience you wanted. And I am sorry the staff kept dropping the ball and were insensitive enough to refer to Lily as the "failed homebirth baby." They don't appreciate what you went through to make it work. Maybe someday someone will clue them in. She is beautiful beyond words, and a very lucky little girl to be born to you guys.

[moondrunk]

Thank you. It's weird in retrospect to realize how much I had wanted that particular birth experience - I didn't realize how attached I was until I lost it. It's very strange.

And there isn't a moment when I'm looking at her that I don't think how beautiful she is :)

[chaos_in_action]

Oh gosh. Oh, my heart is absolutely breaking for you. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your birth and the ensuing events with the nurses ignoring you and such. How callous people can be during someone's time of need. :( Words are so inadequate. When you're ready, I would suggest finding a local ICAN chapter, or visiting the forums. I (personally) don't see much of a reason as to why you wouldn't be a future VBAC candidate.

Lily is beautiful, and I absolutely love her name. Take care of yourself mama! *hugs*

[moondrunk]

Thank you for the suggestion! I do plan on going to visit ICAN, via the internet or a meeting. I didn't realize in the hospital how traumatic I would find it when I woke up a little...I knew it was possible going into it, but I think I was so shocked and everything happened so fast I didn't get to process it until later.

Thank you - I'm absolutely madly in love with her. It's amazing how much love you can have for someone so little!

[chaos_in_action]

Oh man, everything in a hospital just hits you like a ton of bricks - and I could only imagine it would hit *harder* with a completely unplanned hospital trip

[moondrunk]

Thank you. It helps hearing that I'm not the only one who has gone through this, as much as I hate that you did.

I'm so excited for your HBAC! Is it okay if I add you? I'd love to hear all about it :)

[jennypoo98]

You did amazing, no matter the outcome. The most beautiful thing about your body is its own timing. You had no idea that you'd go into labor with no warning and be exhausted. Your body was spent and unfortunately it didn't give you the needed rest you needed between contractions.

Having the c-section wasn't the bad part of your birth in the hospital, it was how you were treated. To be allowed to vomit all over yourself and then not be cleaned it a disgrace. I hope you contact the hospital and make some sort of complaint out over the way you were treated.

Your homebirth didn't fail, it just took a change of venue.

[moondrunk]

I really am thinking about filing a complaint. The nurses in L&D and postpartum were absolutely wonderful, but the op room ones were just...I don't even know the word.

Thank you - I like that perspective. I am going to try to keep that wording in mind.

[amberskyfire]

You did an awesome job, mama. My heart is crushed and I am in tears reading your story. I am so, so sorry for what happened. You are just incredible and strong in a way I never could have been. I cannot believe the way you were treated by the nurses. I'd definitely report them once you are feeling better. I know nothing I say can ever help at all, but do know that my heart is breaking for you. You tried so hard and did everything you could for your daughter and you may be crushed about the end of your experience, but you will, for the rest of your life, be proud of yourself for how hard you tried to do what you knew was best for your little girl. You already rock as a mom! :)

Your little girl is so utterly absolutely beautiful! Such nibbly cheeks!

[moondrunk]

Thank you. I think I made a lot of people cry - I didn't mean to. I just needed to get it out!

I am proud of how long I made it, and the fact that transfer never crossed my mind. I know there is nothing I could have done to change what happened - it just...wasn't what I had imagined for the birth of my daughter.

Thank you! I LOVE her cheeks. I can't believe how chubby they are!