Not your average Monty Python fanfic
Dear everyone
The below is subject to revisions/adaptions at the moment. Here are
the seven-ten paragraphs that I wrote at last for my book "The Sorrows
of Young Wladek" (http://www.geocities.com/eurocrat_au/sorrows.htm)
and I have decided to release them exclusively to those who really
know best.
To put the scene in context:
Polish by birth, English by adoption, Vladimir Selitsky, is about to
get an education in the English sense of humour he will never forget.
The thing about Monty Python is that it is so subversive and they have
other reasons for objecting. Essentially the scene is about what he
understood and got out of it SO NO RACIST REMARKS PLEASE. (This goes
for psychological racism too).But DO feel free to correct any factual
errors, or query me on the significance of this and that.
Tom is the narrator's [Sue Gilbert's] cousin and Robert is her husband.
Having got that out of the way:
"You betcha. How long are the films and sketches going to last
anyway?", said Tom.
"Let me see-Life of Brian, an hour and a half, sketches, half an hour,
Holy Grail, an hour and a half, sketches half an hour, Meaning of Life
an hour and a half. We'll be staying up till 1:00-1:30.", Robert said.
"Great, I knew about Life of Brian but what about the other two?" Tom
said. "Meaning of Life! Cool!", Meg said, now in her pyjamas and
having made the bed she wouldn't be for five hours, "I'll miss the
sketches though, they're so boring."
"As log as you don't make too much noise while other people are
watching them." Robert said. Meg said, "Five solid hours of Monty
Python? How are we going to cope, Wladek? Do let me know if there's
anything you don't understand and I'll explain to you in a sensible way."
"Well, if Miss Clever Clogs and Mr Golden Boy will stop talking, I
think The Life of Brian can start pretty soon." Tom said.
"Have you cleaned your teeth?", I asked. Wladek certainly had and I
had done bedroom chores with him, including dragging his cot out to
the loungeroom-with him in it. He was so excited about the whole
thing. "Yes, I clean my teeth." Wladek said. "I didn't ask you,
Vladimir. I know you cleaned your teeth, I was in the bathroom with
you. I put on the toothpaste and made sure you didn't eat the
bristles. Tom is perfectly capable of doing it himself but he might
forget because he's so excited."
"What is so exciting about Monty Python that someone might forget to
clean his teeth? Pan Thomas, when was the last time your mother came
into the bathroom?"
"A very long time ago, before you were even born, Vladimir." Tom said,
"When I was four and a half, in fact."
"Goodness, that was a long time ago. I find it hard to imagine you as
a four-year-old. I don't even know any four-year-olds."
"I didn't say I was four. I said I was four-and-a-half. And I'm seven
now."
Robert and I sat in our chairs and the children sat in the beanbag.
Meg and Tom fought over the remote control, and Wladek, in the middle,
was afraid he might get squashed, so he got out of the way, stood in
front of the telly and asked, "Pan Robert? Can you tell me where the
play button is so that we can watch the movie?" He tapped the VCR, as
he said this, and then he said, "Oooh. Aaaaah. Very dusty. My hand."
"All right, the play button is over here. You can press it and then
sit down on the beanbag. And then watch the movie. Wladek pressed the
button when it was shown him-this saved him mucking around with
several different buttons and turned around when he heard the sound.
He fell over backwards and was very worried about who he had hurt and
his own apparent misjudgement. Meg said, "Wladek, you're in the
beanbag. Sit and watch the movie." Wladek nodded his head and watched
the Life of Brian.
He understood little of the point of the first scene, excpet that it
was to do with sheep and shepherds, until the end. "Why are they mean
to the sheep? They're only dumb animals!" he said but he kept quiet
when he saw the rest of the scene where the two shepherds tell the
others about the star from the East. Tom was inspired to find a
witticism, "You're the star from the East." "Did the wise men really
break people's noses? Were they truly drunk?"
On the other hand, brought up presumably a Polish Catholic, he found
much to laugh at, understand and relate to. He laughed especially at
the star-bottle bit, and the star signs, but gasped at the son of God
reference and he laughed a big belly laugh when he saw the Wise Men
take the presents. He also said his prayers and crossed himself when
he saw Jesus Christ, and after the Big Nose-Mrs Big Nose interaction
he really relaxed, and Mr Cheeky made him positively hysterical.
"Interesting to see his responses to verbal humour. I think I'll try
him on Wittgenstein next." What an unfortunate choice of philosopher,
Robert! "You did not watch this film to see Vladimir's responses! You
watched it in your pleasure." I said. "Of course I'm taking pleasure
in him and it enhances my own pleasure." Guess I could live with that/
Bu the stoning scene-even with a bit of confusion about Jehovah-he was
well and truly in his stride, and Robert could stop treating Monty
Python as a psychological test. Thank God, even I started to relax,
and let myself enjoy Brian thinking about sex and talking to his mum
about the size of his nose. Then the story was really in action-the
whole bloody Romans thing, the Judean People's Front (and their
various avatars/paradigm shifts) and Pilate and a Roman official
showing speech defects that titulate the modern Eurosceptic-and Wladek
captiulated beautifully.
I'm not going to say that all the nuances that make up the British
sense of humour didn't leave him cold. He liked all the fighting
scenes, and he laughed hard at Biggus Dickus and indeed all the sexual
humour. But he found it hard to understand the Brian-Jesus connection,
and he was bored by all the haggling scenes. He said about the
fifteenth scene, "This does nothing for the story, I want to know what
happens to Brian and the Judean People's Front."
Wladek's favourite bit overall, apart from the stonings and the stupid
Romans and Brian's even more stupid followers, was the bit where
everyone comes into Mandy's house and follows Brian, including Simon
and the shoe follower and Brian instead of making a Messanic speech or
miracle, was when he said they were individuals. But when it got to
the suggestion of a virgin birth and the way the followers went on at
Mandy, he couldn't take it and ran off the best and furtherest way he
could. He almost missed the "He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty
boy." bit and Robert picked him up and sat him into his lap.
Needless to say, he hated the character of Otto, and swore that he was
like all the Germans that he had ever known, especially those who were
as race-conscious as to say-"A non-Semetic, mutinous, racially impure,
cloth-coated bunch of Roman-lovers!" He could not sit through that
scene at all, and in respect, Tom and Meg saved their laughter for the
next scene or two.
We cheered when Judith said "Release Brian", but again Wladek couldn't
stay for the crucisifiction scene. Three scenes he was gone, shaking
visibly. He also screamed loudly at "Always Look at the Bright Side of
Life"-"Brian's dead, Brian's dead, he can't come back, don't be
silly." So he stayed in his cot until the end of the sketches or how
long it took him to control himself."
Copyright Adelaide La Blanche-Dupont 2001
8.7.2001
LiveJournal edition 27.9.2001
The below is subject to revisions/adaptions at the moment. Here are
the seven-ten paragraphs that I wrote at last for my book "The Sorrows
of Young Wladek" (http://www.geocities.com/eurocrat_au/sorrows.htm)
and I have decided to release them exclusively to those who really
know best.
To put the scene in context:
Polish by birth, English by adoption, Vladimir Selitsky, is about to
get an education in the English sense of humour he will never forget.
The thing about Monty Python is that it is so subversive and they have
other reasons for objecting. Essentially the scene is about what he
understood and got out of it SO NO RACIST REMARKS PLEASE. (This goes
for psychological racism too).But DO feel free to correct any factual
errors, or query me on the significance of this and that.
Tom is the narrator's [Sue Gilbert's] cousin and Robert is her husband.
Having got that out of the way:
"You betcha. How long are the films and sketches going to last
anyway?", said Tom.
"Let me see-Life of Brian, an hour and a half, sketches, half an hour,
Holy Grail, an hour and a half, sketches half an hour, Meaning of Life
an hour and a half. We'll be staying up till 1:00-1:30.", Robert said.
"Great, I knew about Life of Brian but what about the other two?" Tom
said. "Meaning of Life! Cool!", Meg said, now in her pyjamas and
having made the bed she wouldn't be for five hours, "I'll miss the
sketches though, they're so boring."
"As log as you don't make too much noise while other people are
watching them." Robert said. Meg said, "Five solid hours of Monty
Python? How are we going to cope, Wladek? Do let me know if there's
anything you don't understand and I'll explain to you in a sensible way."
"Well, if Miss Clever Clogs and Mr Golden Boy will stop talking, I
think The Life of Brian can start pretty soon." Tom said.
"Have you cleaned your teeth?", I asked. Wladek certainly had and I
had done bedroom chores with him, including dragging his cot out to
the loungeroom-with him in it. He was so excited about the whole
thing. "Yes, I clean my teeth." Wladek said. "I didn't ask you,
Vladimir. I know you cleaned your teeth, I was in the bathroom with
you. I put on the toothpaste and made sure you didn't eat the
bristles. Tom is perfectly capable of doing it himself but he might
forget because he's so excited."
"What is so exciting about Monty Python that someone might forget to
clean his teeth? Pan Thomas, when was the last time your mother came
into the bathroom?"
"A very long time ago, before you were even born, Vladimir." Tom said,
"When I was four and a half, in fact."
"Goodness, that was a long time ago. I find it hard to imagine you as
a four-year-old. I don't even know any four-year-olds."
"I didn't say I was four. I said I was four-and-a-half. And I'm seven
now."
Robert and I sat in our chairs and the children sat in the beanbag.
Meg and Tom fought over the remote control, and Wladek, in the middle,
was afraid he might get squashed, so he got out of the way, stood in
front of the telly and asked, "Pan Robert? Can you tell me where the
play button is so that we can watch the movie?" He tapped the VCR, as
he said this, and then he said, "Oooh. Aaaaah. Very dusty. My hand."
"All right, the play button is over here. You can press it and then
sit down on the beanbag. And then watch the movie. Wladek pressed the
button when it was shown him-this saved him mucking around with
several different buttons and turned around when he heard the sound.
He fell over backwards and was very worried about who he had hurt and
his own apparent misjudgement. Meg said, "Wladek, you're in the
beanbag. Sit and watch the movie." Wladek nodded his head and watched
the Life of Brian.
He understood little of the point of the first scene, excpet that it
was to do with sheep and shepherds, until the end. "Why are they mean
to the sheep? They're only dumb animals!" he said but he kept quiet
when he saw the rest of the scene where the two shepherds tell the
others about the star from the East. Tom was inspired to find a
witticism, "You're the star from the East." "Did the wise men really
break people's noses? Were they truly drunk?"
On the other hand, brought up presumably a Polish Catholic, he found
much to laugh at, understand and relate to. He laughed especially at
the star-bottle bit, and the star signs, but gasped at the son of God
reference and he laughed a big belly laugh when he saw the Wise Men
take the presents. He also said his prayers and crossed himself when
he saw Jesus Christ, and after the Big Nose-Mrs Big Nose interaction
he really relaxed, and Mr Cheeky made him positively hysterical.
"Interesting to see his responses to verbal humour. I think I'll try
him on Wittgenstein next." What an unfortunate choice of philosopher,
Robert! "You did not watch this film to see Vladimir's responses! You
watched it in your pleasure." I said. "Of course I'm taking pleasure
in him and it enhances my own pleasure." Guess I could live with that/
Bu the stoning scene-even with a bit of confusion about Jehovah-he was
well and truly in his stride, and Robert could stop treating Monty
Python as a psychological test. Thank God, even I started to relax,
and let myself enjoy Brian thinking about sex and talking to his mum
about the size of his nose. Then the story was really in action-the
whole bloody Romans thing, the Judean People's Front (and their
various avatars/paradigm shifts) and Pilate and a Roman official
showing speech defects that titulate the modern Eurosceptic-and Wladek
captiulated beautifully.
I'm not going to say that all the nuances that make up the British
sense of humour didn't leave him cold. He liked all the fighting
scenes, and he laughed hard at Biggus Dickus and indeed all the sexual
humour. But he found it hard to understand the Brian-Jesus connection,
and he was bored by all the haggling scenes. He said about the
fifteenth scene, "This does nothing for the story, I want to know what
happens to Brian and the Judean People's Front."
Wladek's favourite bit overall, apart from the stonings and the stupid
Romans and Brian's even more stupid followers, was the bit where
everyone comes into Mandy's house and follows Brian, including Simon
and the shoe follower and Brian instead of making a Messanic speech or
miracle, was when he said they were individuals. But when it got to
the suggestion of a virgin birth and the way the followers went on at
Mandy, he couldn't take it and ran off the best and furtherest way he
could. He almost missed the "He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty
boy." bit and Robert picked him up and sat him into his lap.
Needless to say, he hated the character of Otto, and swore that he was
like all the Germans that he had ever known, especially those who were
as race-conscious as to say-"A non-Semetic, mutinous, racially impure,
cloth-coated bunch of Roman-lovers!" He could not sit through that
scene at all, and in respect, Tom and Meg saved their laughter for the
next scene or two.
We cheered when Judith said "Release Brian", but again Wladek couldn't
stay for the crucisifiction scene. Three scenes he was gone, shaking
visibly. He also screamed loudly at "Always Look at the Bright Side of
Life"-"Brian's dead, Brian's dead, he can't come back, don't be
silly." So he stayed in his cot until the end of the sketches or how
long it took him to control himself."
Copyright Adelaide La Blanche-Dupont 2001
8.7.2001
LiveJournal edition 27.9.2001