Not sure how to proceed, what's the etiquette ?

[polycur10us]

I've been poly all my life, but suppressed it during most of my marriage.  That marriage is now in the past, and I'm moving on with my life. I have made some really dear friends that are poly (some of them are on lj, and might frequent this community, which is why I created a fake account for this question

Comments

[meepettemu]

If you approached my partner about wanting a relationship with me, I'd be cross.

Approach me. I'm an adult, you're an adult, and I am not the property of anyone else, so don't treat me like it.

Ymmv, obviously.

[rubibees]

What zhe said.

[cinema_babe]

Succinctly, she's not property or a pet, he's not her owner. he's not her Dad and he doesn't giver her a curfew. Also, and here's the real kicker, why talk to the partner if she might not even be interested in you. Now wouldn't that be awkward?

Talk to the ladies first.

And in the unlikely event that she wants to proceed *without* having a sit down with you and her partner, she's not someone you want to be in a relationship with. Trust me on this one.

[hazey_sunshine]

I agree with the previous comments 100%.

Even if you're shy, you have to decide that you like that person enough to be in a relationship - that isn't going to work if you can't get the guts to talk to them. It sucks, but that's the only way forward. Definitely do not discuss it with their partners first.

[gows]

Talk to the women. You've already outlined why.

I can understand how the idea of talking to the SOs first is appealing, but think of it as an exercise in continuing to push yourself beyond the fear-based restrictions of your shyness. Yay growth!

[tarlach]

Friendship doesn't denote that a relationship is deliberately limited to the platonic by one of the involved people. I know The Internet decided that the Big Mean Men in these situations really only wanted sex and nothing but, but I'm a little surprised to see this viewpoint in a poly community where people have a better grasp of negotiated, spectrum-based relationships.

[cinema_babe]

I don't think the issue is friendship so much as the term "friend zone",

That phrase is associated not with genuine friendship but on of those bitter "Nice Guys"who are pissed because a woman they are interested in is not interested in him beyond friendship. That phrase has some very icky connotations.

[tarlach]

I have the impression that the connotations are relatively recent - but I don't have a panopticon on the internet, so I could be wrong! :)

I only encountered this negative view of the term recently, and it's almost always in this same sort of context: One person intends to describe a situation where the other party is limiting a relationship to the platonic, often communicating that poorly or nonverbally, and they're frustrated that it won't progress further on either romantic or sexual fronts. Another person sees the term and assumes they're "bitter about not getting the sex that's owed them", or in a best-case scenario lectures them on the use of a term that was redefined without their knowledge. It's frustrating to see, that's all.