Mage story 2
Here's the second story from the series I wrote to introduce Diana.
The first one is here. Also, check out the stories written for Anna, the first one is here, and I'll link her second one when it's posted.
Youth - Step Two: Resignation
Aunt Judy and Uncle Eric raised Anna and I once we returned from Argentina.
It had all happened in late September 1993. We were given some time to grieve, and put into school after the first half term of the academic year. Of course, the grieving never stopped. I was a quiet child to begin with, the incident made me retreat further.
My parents and my sister both believed in 'god'. They routinely professed love for him. They routinely said prayers and delivered lessons from the Bible. I never quite understood. I sat on the edge of the family and said all the right things to fit in with the church, and busied myself with background tasks that meant little to the church. Belief in the existence of someone I've never met? Belief in someone I've never seen as responsible for anything I did or gained? I could not. I would not.
'He' was the fault we were out there in the first place. 'He' was the reason our parents had to die. It was all ludicrous. My parents preached their beliefs and they contradicted the beliefs of others. Those beliefs killed them, and there was no 'almighty' to save them. Nothing heavenly, nothing holy, nothing that loved the world so much to save it from pain, to protect it from harm. Nothing to protect even the people who had devoted their lives to it.
Yes, that day led me to the conclusion that there was no god or gods. There was no ultimate purpose or divine will. Fathers faith that god would protect us rang false. There were people, and this earth, and what we did to each other here didn't matter to anything that could be called a grand plan. There was nothing righteous about our parents death.
No higher power. Only us. No divine purpose or plan. Only us. So what was I to do with my life? I had spent so little time thinking about what I wanted for myself that I never even thought twice about following the lead of the school that we found ourselves in. I did my schoolwork. I got good grades. I took part in extra curricular groups, acting and dancing. I went to university. That's what one does.
The world was a bleak and lonely place filled with devils and demons, and I took my place in the rank and file.
I worked hard. Anna rebelled. I was shocked at first, but over time it was clear that she was in pain. She fought and fought and got into so much trouble. Our parents would have been disgusted had they seen it. I was tired of it by the time I finally left for university.
And I worked, because I knew that I couldn't change the world, and there was nothing left to do but play it out and get what I could from it. I would build a career in law and retire on more money than most people make in their lives. I would play their pointless game, because nothing had a point, and there was no reason not to. There was never any reason not to. I swapped my parents direction for the educational systems direction. I followed the path they set for me and did as I was told.
Judy and Eric supported me through it all. They took pride in my accomplishments. They paraded me around as their own, declaring how much I'd progressed. It was meaningless. It was all meaningless. What could I have done though? I did not know then what I know now. They were just happy to have the child they could never have had themselves, Judy was completely infertile.
I didn't talk. I performed admirably the great dance of using lots of words to say nothing at all. I socialised and played nicely with others. I was liked, or at least the mask was. I played the game that all the sleepers play. The game where we all try to be the most normal.
I never talked about what happened to our parents. How could I? Who would understand? My behaviour was normal enough that they didn't send me to counsellors to work me through my grief. They didn't ask me if I was okay. They asked the mask, and every time it told them everything was fine. I sat quiet about what I had heard that day. I couldn't tell anyone. I couldn't tell Judy or Eric, who would only berate my parents further for their choices (however right they were, I still loved my parents). I could not tell Anna, for all her fury carried her further and further from me. I could not tell anyone. I kept it all to myself, and it coalesced into a void that consumed me.
Then, at university, it happened, and they all thought that I had finally broken.
The first one is here. Also, check out the stories written for Anna, the first one is here, and I'll link her second one when it's posted.
Youth - Step Two: Resignation
Aunt Judy and Uncle Eric raised Anna and I once we returned from Argentina.
It had all happened in late September 1993. We were given some time to grieve, and put into school after the first half term of the academic year. Of course, the grieving never stopped. I was a quiet child to begin with, the incident made me retreat further.
My parents and my sister both believed in 'god'. They routinely professed love for him. They routinely said prayers and delivered lessons from the Bible. I never quite understood. I sat on the edge of the family and said all the right things to fit in with the church, and busied myself with background tasks that meant little to the church. Belief in the existence of someone I've never met? Belief in someone I've never seen as responsible for anything I did or gained? I could not. I would not.
'He' was the fault we were out there in the first place. 'He' was the reason our parents had to die. It was all ludicrous. My parents preached their beliefs and they contradicted the beliefs of others. Those beliefs killed them, and there was no 'almighty' to save them. Nothing heavenly, nothing holy, nothing that loved the world so much to save it from pain, to protect it from harm. Nothing to protect even the people who had devoted their lives to it.
Yes, that day led me to the conclusion that there was no god or gods. There was no ultimate purpose or divine will. Fathers faith that god would protect us rang false. There were people, and this earth, and what we did to each other here didn't matter to anything that could be called a grand plan. There was nothing righteous about our parents death.
No higher power. Only us. No divine purpose or plan. Only us. So what was I to do with my life? I had spent so little time thinking about what I wanted for myself that I never even thought twice about following the lead of the school that we found ourselves in. I did my schoolwork. I got good grades. I took part in extra curricular groups, acting and dancing. I went to university. That's what one does.
The world was a bleak and lonely place filled with devils and demons, and I took my place in the rank and file.
I worked hard. Anna rebelled. I was shocked at first, but over time it was clear that she was in pain. She fought and fought and got into so much trouble. Our parents would have been disgusted had they seen it. I was tired of it by the time I finally left for university.
And I worked, because I knew that I couldn't change the world, and there was nothing left to do but play it out and get what I could from it. I would build a career in law and retire on more money than most people make in their lives. I would play their pointless game, because nothing had a point, and there was no reason not to. There was never any reason not to. I swapped my parents direction for the educational systems direction. I followed the path they set for me and did as I was told.
Judy and Eric supported me through it all. They took pride in my accomplishments. They paraded me around as their own, declaring how much I'd progressed. It was meaningless. It was all meaningless. What could I have done though? I did not know then what I know now. They were just happy to have the child they could never have had themselves, Judy was completely infertile.
I didn't talk. I performed admirably the great dance of using lots of words to say nothing at all. I socialised and played nicely with others. I was liked, or at least the mask was. I played the game that all the sleepers play. The game where we all try to be the most normal.
I never talked about what happened to our parents. How could I? Who would understand? My behaviour was normal enough that they didn't send me to counsellors to work me through my grief. They didn't ask me if I was okay. They asked the mask, and every time it told them everything was fine. I sat quiet about what I had heard that day. I couldn't tell anyone. I couldn't tell Judy or Eric, who would only berate my parents further for their choices (however right they were, I still loved my parents). I could not tell Anna, for all her fury carried her further and further from me. I could not tell anyone. I kept it all to myself, and it coalesced into a void that consumed me.
Then, at university, it happened, and they all thought that I had finally broken.