Recompense: Part Five

[mmmmmcinnamon]

Title: Recompense 
Pairing: KyuMin
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Plot Summary: Having been abandonded by the one he loved unfathomably and left alone in a desolate house practically in the middle of nowhere, life at the moment was practically unlivable for Sungmin. It would be made even more so upon opening to the door to a mysterious stranger, which in turn opens the door to memories that had long been locked away.
Is it just by coincidence that the man is a total stranger and yet so familiar? Is it just by coincidence that Sungmin sees his face nearly every night in his dreams?

Would Sungmin remember him as the man who walked into his 'happy' life just months previous, ripping it apart by taking the one thing that he loves.

Sequel to  Devil's Waitin'

Part One ~  Part Two ~ Part Three ~ Part Four

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Realisation

“It was about six months ago that he left......” Sungmin paused and concentrated his attention on his joined hands that shook in his lap.

The topic seemed to have come from nowhere and to say Kyuhyun was surprised was an understatement. He'd been waiting for this and now that he'd started talking about it, he felt his anticipation rising. He knew the story, too well. The beginning, the middle and the end, all playing out in his head in full colour. When Sungmin didn't speak further, Kyuhyun encouraged him to continue.

“Go on....”

Sungmin heard this and rose his eyes to look at Kyuhyun, a puzzled expression painting his face as he seemed to have no idea about what he had said just minutes previous. Then he shook his head as the memory came back, his eyes scanning an invisible object in front of him as he set the events into the order that he wanted to convey them to the man.

“I.... I woke up one morning to a note saying that he had gone because..... because he didn't love me any more and that he was sorry for...... he said I could have the house. I stayed because I had no where else to go........ I hate this house. It is filled with nothing but hate and aggression. I hate it.”

There was no need for Sungmin to elaborate. “If you hate it, why are you staying? I know you said that you do not feel lonely here and that you have nowhere else to go, but why stay if you hate it so much?”

“Because here is where I was with Kangin...... He was happy once. He did love me once..... But I guess it all changed.”

“Why did it change?”

“I.... I don't know. I was still happy.... I think.... in fact I don't know. My memories are so hazy. Its like I can remember..... like they're covered with a veil. Like the way I felt and reacted at those times are detached and erased.”

That's a natural reaction to something that causes so much emotional trauma. “Why do you feel that this house is full of aggression and hate?”

Sungmin's reaction to the question was one of unease. “I-I don't know...”

Kyuhyun could tell that Sungmin was eluding the question and wasn't prepared to let him. “You don't know?”

“No.... I don't know.” He began to shuffle in his seat, never once bringing his eyes to meet Kyuhyun's.

“Well then what are you memories of him? Maybe we will be able to link them to your feelings towards the house. Find the root.”

Sungmin was shuffling more now, rocking backwards and forwards too as his unease grew. “I don't know,” he repeated.

Kyuhyun wasn't going to let it go so easily, especially not now that Sungmin had began to open up about it. “Come on, we might as well try.”

“I said I don't know. What's with the fucking psychological analysis again?” Sungmin's unease had grown into anger at the force of Kyuhyun's persistence, his hands now shaking on his lap. He was trying to protect something; protect his memory of someone.
The images in his head of certain events were veiled and that is how Sungmin wanted them to stay. He knew what they were, but if he allowed them to stay covered, he could reject that they even happened. If you have no crystal clear memory, it didn't happen, right?

Kyuhyun laughed a little, more out of nerves than anything but also to try to lighten the mood. “I am not attempting to psychoanalyse you Sungmin. I am just trying to help.”

“Fuck trying to help me.” His whole body was shaking now, anger twisting at his core. “ I told you that I am beyond help. You might as well just go now and leave me be.”

“And I believe I told you that I will not go, and I have not changed my mind despite the-” he paused to look at his watch, “- hour that has passed. You'll have to drag me out.”

Seeming to clam a little, Sungmin looked back to his joined hands, shaking on his shaking legs. Part of him wanted to believe what the man - the stranger - was telling him but part of him didn't. He was scared that he would be forced to open his heart and in turn have it forced closed with jagged sides that just didn't fit any more. He couldn't do that again.

Kyuhyun's hands were twitching also, resting on the table, fighting to reach out and touch Sungmin - touch him anywhere - just touch him. Although it didn't seem like it at the moment, getting Sungmin to talk was absolutely the best thing for him. You can't heal scars that you haven't fully accepted. This in mind, Kyuhyun pressed on further, taking a less sensitive route.

“So, since I'm going to be here for a while, how about you tell me why this house if full of anger?”

Sungmin almost couldn't believe that after his outburst the man asked again. He looked at him through timid eyes as his frame seemed to overwhelm him, his own form suddenly feeling about two feet tall.

“Erm.... well....”

“Sungmin it will help. I am not here to judge, I will just listen.” He implored him on, his big brown eyes swirling and looking deeper than ever.

“Well Kangin he..... he used to..... I don't know!!” His anger was rising as he fought to dredge up memories he had tried so hard to
suppress.

“You do” was Kyuhyun's simple reply.

“I don't! I swear I don't! I can't do this!” His body was twisting from side to side on his seat now, his hands gripping the sides of his face in rejection of the sounds around him.

Kyuhyun took no time in leaning over the table and grabbing Sungmin's shoulders non too gently. “Sungmin stop!” He commanded.

Sungmin tried to fight from his grip before stopping and staring at him wide-eyed. His bottom lip quivered as tears brimmed his eyes and clung to his bottom lashes like little crystals. He had the face of someone who had just realised a long kept secret.

“He..... he hurt me.....”

Bingo. “How did he hurt you Sungmin?”

Sungmin was staring at him but some how not, as it he was looking straight through him like he was just a spectre.

“He.... hit me and.... kicked me.....”

It was as painful for Kyuhyun seeing him like this as it was for Sungmin talking about it but he need to push it as far as it would go.

He loosened his grip and rotated his thumbs against Sungmin's skin. “What else Sungmin?”

Sungmin's eyes scanned from side to side as if he was witnessing the event he was talking about. “He pulled my hair until it came out completely...... He cut me and whipped me.” The more he said the more angry became. Less tears fell and his teeth began to grit.

“One time he tied me and whipped me..... It hurt so bad that I broke my wrist trying to pull my arm out of the rope. He told the doctor that I had fallen down the stairs...... I remember everything now.....”

Kyuhyun's plan was working. Speaking about it was allowing him to process what had actually happened to him when Kangin was there.

“He destroyed me.....”

“If he did all this, then why do you feel so broken about him not being here any more?” Kyuhyun twisted the conversation.

Sungmin looked at him incredulously as if the answer was as clear as day. “Because I love him.”

Love. Present tense.

“Love?” Kyuhyun singled out the word and enquired as to the meaning.

“Love.” Sungmin said definitely.

“But, how?”

“Because he's Kangin.”

Tears filled his eyes again and he collapsed onto the table, his body giving in for the time being. Kyuhyun was too stunned by Sungmin's previous statement to stop him before his head banged into the table. He figured he must of passed out. Heaving a big sigh he walked around the side of the table and picked him up with ease, placing one hand around his back and the other under his knees, carrying him over to the sofa and placing him down gently. He knelt down beside him and brushed the hair from his eyes, tucking the lank locks gently behind his ears and letting his hand rest there longer than necessary. It struck him how child-like and innocent Sungmin's face was with his features totally relaxed. He truly was a beautiful man. Kyuhyun knew wouldn't leave, ever. He couldn't now even if he wanted to.

While Sungmin was asleep, Kyuhyun busied himself washing up their used cups and scanning the cupboards for any scraps of food. Nothing. His plan for the rest of the day was set: he would to try to convince Sungmin to eat something, no matter how small. Phase one of the rebuild had commenced having what Kyuhyun thought was a positive reaction, phase two would have to commence straight away. Why wait? Rifling through the draws, Kyuhyun quickly scanned through the various menus before settling on going out to find a supermarket to purchase some food. After grabbing coat, wallet, house keys and car keys he slipped on his shoes and left the house, locking the door behind him. He walked down the street to his abandoned car, opening the door and climbing in. Surprise surprise it wasn't actually broken, starting up immediately after he placed the key in the ignition and twisted it. He groped for the steering wheel, taking hold and resting his head back against the headrest, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath to collect himself and calm his nerves enough so that he could drive without getting into an accident. He was more than on edge. The location of a supermarket he didn't know but he knew the way into town - vaguely - so locating one shouldn't be too hard, the option to resort to asking a passer-by available. So he started his car and headed off.

The supermarket was surprisingly much easier to find that he'd expected. After parking his car in a spot where he could easily find it he went inside to chose some food to buy. He wanted to cook something special for Sungmin to eat but he had never been that good at cooking, only really mastering the basics. After looking up and down the isles, he settled on making a simple pie with mashed potatoes and vegetables. It always went down a treat with everyone he had ever cooked it for and it smelt delicious, sure to wet Sungmin's appetite. Kyuhyun collected all the ingredients needed - and some extra essentials - and paid at the counter. He wanted to be back before Sungmin woke up so he drove back to the house as quickly as he could. When he walked into the house, he could hear the gentle breathes coming from Sungmin's mouth, the sounds instantly setting his nerves at ease with the peace they connoted. There was a chill in the air so Kyuhyun lowered the bags and removed his coat, placing it over Sungmin's shoulders gently. The close proximity allowed him to hear Sungmin's breathing clearer. Ripping his feet from the floor he walked to the kitchen with the bags. He had to force himself to move into the kitchen away from the sounds else he would have stayed all day listening, the sound probably eventually lulling him into sleep like a soft lullaby. He was not able to stop himself from having a quick glance at Sungmin before leaving the room. When in the kitchen he quickly put the shopping away, leaving out the ingredients needed for the meal he was to cook, quickly beginning it.

It had been a while since he'd cooked this particular dish but he tried his best to make it as good as he could. The filling for the pie was easy to make: simply chicken and vegetables with gravy, but it was the pastry that was tricky. It took a couple of attempts but he eventually made it.... or something like it. He kept reminding himself that the filling was the most important part. When that was in the oven cooking away, he prepared everything else.

Thirty minutes from finishing, Kyuhyun crept back into the living room to Sungmin, opening the door to the kitchen slightly and peering out first before fully entering. He was sleeping just as soundly as before, his body moving as he inhaled and exhaled, the coat still draped over his fragile form. It seemed to drown him, covering from his shoulders down to his knees when on Kyuhyun, the coat came just below his bum. Kyuhyun knelt down on the floor before him, resting back on his feet so he wasn't too close. The stray piece of hair Kyuhyun had tucked behind Sungmin's ear previously had worked its way free again so he tucked it back again before rousing him.

“Sungmin,” Kyuhyun said softly. Receiving no reply he repeated but a little louder. This had a reaction as Sungmin's eyes began to move behind their lids before opening slowly.

“Ka-Kyuhyun?” Sungmin asked sleepily as he tried to focus his eyes of the form before him.

“Yes it is me,” he replied with a smile. “Are you all right?”

Sungmin lifted his hand to rub his eyes but was obstructed by the coat laid over him. He looked down at it confused for a second before pulling his arm out and rubbing his eyes.

“Yeah I think so. Was I asleep long?” He asked looking at the kneeling man sideways.

“About a couple of hours so not too long. I think you needed it.”

“Maybe so.” Sungmin said sitting up, holding the coat around him. “Is this your coat?”

“Yes it is. It was cold and it was the closest thing at hand for me to cover you with. Plus it was already warm since I had been wearing it.”

“You'd been wearing it? Are you cold?”

“No I had been out.”

“Out? Where?”

“I went to get some shopping.” He said with a proud smile.

Sungmin eyed him. “Did you walk?”

Kyuhyun was about to nod then just thought he'd tell the truth. “Well I was going to walk but I figured I should test my car and it worked straight away. Funny huh?”

“Yeah,” Sungmin eyed him, not sure whether or not to believe him.

Kyuhyun stood back up and Sungmin lifted himself from the sofa, stretching but still managing to keep hold of the coat, draping it over the front of himself.

Shivering he commented: “It didn't feel this cold before I went to sleep. This house really surprises me with the cold sometimes.”

“It will be because you have just woken up. You can wear my coat if you want.”

Sungmin eyed the man, diverting for a second to the coat then back to the man, repeating his words but twisted into a question. “I can wear your coat?”

“Of course,” the man enforced, taking the coat from Sungmin's shoulders and swinging it around his back, holding it out for him to place his arms through. “It will keep you warm.”

Sungmin lowered his head a bit in shyness at the sudden close proximity of the man who had an arm either side of him. It was only then that Sungmin really noticed the height difference between them with his eyes being level with the man's chin. Quickly Sungmin reached back and fumbled for the sleeves, placing his arms in and allowed Kyuhyun to pull the coat up and onto his shoulders, his hands keeping grip on the sides and pulling it to a close in the middle of Sungmin's chest.

“It is a little big for you but it will keep you warm,” he said whilst tugging on the sides then smiling and releasing, turning and walking towards the kitchen. When Sungmin didn't follow, Kyuhyun turned his head to the side and enquired. “Are you coming?”

Dumbfounded, Sungmin asked: “Where?”

“The kitchen. I have made a surprise for you,” Kyuhyun answered.

“A sur-prise?”

Kyuhyun didn't answer just continued to the kitchen. Sungmin stood still for a few seconds, beginning to follow only when Kyuhyun had entered the kitchen. When he entered himself he was hit with the smell of the cooking food. It was chicken pie. He knew exactly because it smelt just like the pie that his mother used to make when he was a child. A wave of nostalgia hit him and he couldn't control the smile that turned his lips up. It was right at that moment that Kyuhyun looked at him, noticing the smile and smiling himself.

“You've made pie?” Sungmin asked, sniffing the air around him again.

“I have. Would you try to eat some. I have given it my best try.” Kyuhyun's voice was tender and inviting. He was doing his best to ask gently to avoid scaring Sungmin off. Food was a sensitive topic and the last thing he wanted to do was to make Sungmin anxious.

Sungmin seemed to be daydreaming, his eyes unfocused and hazy, his mouth still smiling a far-off smile. Kyuhyun couldn't help but think how beautiful Sungmin looked at that moment looking so happy and carefree.

“Sungmin? Are you okay?” Kyuhyun moved towards him and waved his hand in front of his face slow at first then faster. This worked and Sungmin shook his head then blinked up at Kyuhyun.

“uh? I must have been daydreaming.” He looked away embarrassed.

“Daydreaming? What about?” Kyuhyun had a genuine interest in what had made Sungmin smile so happily.

“Oh it's nothing. It's just that your pie..... it smells like the pie my mum used to make...... Made me feel like I was ten years old again.” He was smiling again as he relayed the story. “I haven't smelt that in such a long time.”

“Will you have some?” Kyuhyun played on the nostalgia, hoping it would encourage Sungmin to try some in the hope of tasting the pie his mother used to make.

Sungmin tensed but tried to shake himself out of it.

“I'd really like it if......”

“Yes.” Sungmin cut through Kyuhyun's words. “I'll try some.”

“Great!” Kyuhyun smiled and pulled a chair out for Sungmin. “You sit down and I'll bring it to you. I will give you a bit and then you can get more if you want.”

Sungmin eyed Kyuhyun's hand on the chair he had just pulled out for him then nodded and sat down. It was little things like that that Sungmin had missed.

Kyuhyun took the pie from the oven and cut some for both of them, adding to their plates some mashed potato and carrots. When he placed it in front of Sungmin he jerked back in his seat eyeing it.

“You do not have to eat all of it - or any of it for that matter - I would just really like it if you would try..... What we were talking about earlier..... I suspect it would be much easier to deal with if you are healthier. And to be healthier, you have to eat more.”

Sungmin watched him as he made his comment then nodded his head. He could see the sense in it but still had an overwhelming urge to refuse the food. Sungmin would be lying if he said that the way it smelled wasn't helping Kyuhyun's case.....

Kyuhyun picked up his fork and started eating, pretending to ignore Sungmin's actions. In a way it worked because Sungmin picked up his own fork and started poking at his food, moving it around to examine it. Choosing a desirable part, he broke it off then broke it into an even smaller piece before bringing it to his lips. He felt anxious but forced himself. He chewed it quickly and swallowed it down no problem. It was really nice and it tasted just like his mothers too. This spurred him on to have another bite, followed by another until the whole pie was gone. After, he tried some mashed potato but would rather just eat pie so he placed his fork down and waited. Kyuhyun had finished before Sungmin but had kept his gaze directed at his plate, lifting his eyes every now and then to check Sungmin's progress, being pleasantly surprised by how much he had eaten. When Sungmin was finished Kyuhyun looked up fully.

“Was it okay?” He asked.

Sungmin nodded and added: “Very nice, thank you.”

“Would you like more?” Kyuhyun asked hopefully with a smile.

Sungmin thought for a while before nodding his head gently. Kyuhyun couldn't help the smile that took over his face once more.

“Great.” He recovered Sungmin's plate and cut another slice of pie. When he put it down Sungmin picked up his fork almost instantly.

“I am so happy that you like it.”

Sungmin looked up from the plate and smiled.

Finished with the food and stomachs all full, they set about restoring the kitchen to its previous state. Kyuhyun washed and Sungmin dried. They talked a little but only really casual things. When they were done Sungmin lifted the plates up into the cupboard. What he didn't expect was for the sleeves of Kyuhyun's coat and the oversized jumper he was wearing underneath to fall half way down his arms, revealing the scratches that spread across his skin, amongst them fresh ones done no less than a day ago. Sungmin dropped his arms quickly and shook them to let the sleeves fall back to his slender wrists. He was unaware whether or not Kyuhyun had seen, but hopeful for the latter. Kyuhyun did as he was entirely too aware of Sungmin's every move. He quickly put the other dishes and pans away and sat back down at the table. Kyuhyun joined him shortly after.

No sound passed between the two as Sungmin sat with his hands on the table fiddling with the sleeve of Kyuhyun's coat. Kyuhyun let it pass, thinking through the moves that he would next make to get the effect that he wanted. He wanted to talk about what he had just seen. He had wanted to the first time he'd seen the marks on his arm, but it just wasn't right at that moment. Now was a better time.

Kyuhyun kept eyeing Sungmin who was staring at his fiddling hands, clearly uncomfortable. Kyuhyun could sense this and that was when he placed his own hand on the table, palm down, tapping his fingers a couple of times before moving it slowly towards Sungmin's hands, stroking his finger tips over Sungmin's fingers and looping them round and pulling it towards him across the table. Keeping hold of his fingers with one hand, Kyuhyun use his other hand to play with Sungmin's sleeves. Before moving on Kyuhyun eyed Sungmin who was in turn eyeing the hand that was holding his own and tenderly stroking his thumb in little circles. It was a simple gesture but it meant so much. He barely even noticed the other hand that was moving the coat and jumper further and further up his arm until his thin arm was bare to the elbow revealing the cuts - old and new - that marred his pale skin. When he noticed he tried to pull away but Kyuhyun's gentle hold hardened, holding him still. A small part of himself wanted this, wanted Kyuhyun to ask. His hand started shaking and he quickly twisted it a little so that he could hold onto Kyuhyun's hand. Kyuhyun felt this and released it enough to grab it with his other hand allowing their hands to fit together properly: palm to palm. With his free hand he traced his fingertips over the scratches and scars, looking up into Sungmin's eyes that were already trained on him with tears threatening to spill.

“What are these Sungmin?” He asked tentatively, still stroking Sungmin's hand. “Answer me honestly...... Did you do them?”