{fic} Not My Name
Not My Name
Author : mizuno_hikaru
Pairing : Akame, Jinda
Rating : NC17 for the angst theme
Disclaimer : All of them are JE's.
Summary : I’m not him, Jin… and I may be the one responsible for his death. But I’m just a human being and humans are selfish when it comes to love...
A/N : New Moon’s biased. Yep, I wrote this after read the novel. Poor Jacob XDXD. I already read Breaking Dawn tough, so I knew he was not that broken-hearted, but it’s hard when it comes to one-sided love ne?
betaed by my luvly beta carey_chan . I wished u okay, hun. *hugs*
==============================================================================
There are two words that people often use when drowning in their despair. The first word is why-an adverb used to ask or talk about the reason, purpose or cause of something. The second one is what-if. Both words have a great connection with each other…since people will ask “ …why ? “ before they start to imagine any possibility using “ …what if… what if…? “
I saw these described scenes with my own eyes.
And it was painful, even just to watch the way someone’s life and hopes crumbled in such a grief.
A human’s life is unpredictable.
It may sound weird but the idiom which said 'Life is a stage awaiting it`s player' seemes to be true. We are the players-the fate-stringed marionette. And we were performing the acts on a huge stage called daily life.
One last thing to be said : fate can be devilishly cruel.
***
He sat there on the wooden panel of the huge windowsill; the lights illuminated his figure in a dimly glow. He barely recognized things around him-mostly spacing out. Even if you tried hard to catch his attention, the only response you’ll get is his lethargical expression, staring at you meaninglessly.
It was getting much, much harder as the days passed. He was so passive,denying his own life. Most of the people surrendered already, “ …it’s better to just leave him alone “
…but I couldn’t do that.
I didn’t care if he was happier in his dreamy life. I didn’t care that he shut himself in his own little world. I didn’t care if he was acting like some kind of zombie; like some weird viruses eating his brain or what… I didn’t care that he became an empty cocoon without any soul-I just wanted him. Beside me. Badly…
“ Jin ? “
He was familiar enough with my voice, so he rolled his eyes and stared at me using his blank dark irises. I bit my lips hard; a stabbed pain tortured my heart. It was suffocating to see him like this. As I kneeled in front of him, I repeated my call, “ Jin ? It’s me “
He just rolled his eyes absent-mindedly, continuing to space out. His body gestures signaled nothing; as if I was talking to a mechanic doll. I removed some strands from his sight, “ Jin ? Look at me, will you ? “
“ …Kazuya… “
I knew that it was the only word he could speak but my heart winced badly as I heard it. I shut my eyes tightly for a second. “ I’m not him… Jin. That’s not my name… “
“ …Kazuya… “
His eyes wandered wildly as he was trying so hard to find the said person. I cupped his face with my palms, forcing him to stare straight at me. “ Jin, listen to me “
“ …Kazu ? “
Why ?
Why does he always say that name ?
Why are you acting like this, Jin ?
Can`t you forget about your past-about him… and go on with your life ?
“ …Jin ! “
A tear formed in his eyes. He gave in to his tantrum, sobbing, throwing things. I grabbed his arm and forced him to sit down. Before he was able to say anything , I hushed him-shutting him by pressing my own lips onto his.
He struggled for a second but I had no intention of letting him wear my dominence off. Finally, he was calming down but didn’t react to anything yet again. He sat on the windowsill and acted still like a statue, not responding to my kiss.
Tears started to form in my eyes.
This is not fair.
I was the one who has been there beside you all those time.
I was the one who has been with you first…
I was the one who introduced you to him…
and I regret it. So much…
-----
“ Jin, this is Kamenashi Kazuya. Kazu, this is Akanishi Jin “
I introduced them to each other with a big smile on my face. Both of them smiled as they shook each others hand, mumbling a ‘Nice to meet you’.
One is my secret-crush aka childhood-friend, the other is my lovely cousin who`s like a brother for me.
I wanted them to get along, the two most precious person in my life. I would have never guessed that after that moment everything would change.
They fell for each other.
It was Kazuya who told me about his feelings first. Blushing like a high school girl, the 21 years-old Kazuya giggled : “ Ne, Tatchan…? I think I fell for him “
My face turned pale. I `ve never told anyone about my crush on Jin and Kazuya didn’t notice. “ Do you think that he will love me back ? “
-----
My mouth went dry at that moment. I couldn’t answer... but Kazuya’s question got answered later; fulfilling his wishes.
-----
Jin laughed, “ Ne, U-chan… Will you kick my ass if I said that I fell for your cousin ? I love him, U-chan… Can you help me ? “
My eyes widened in shock but Jin didn’t notice any of it as he was too busy imagining Kazuya.
No…no… Don’t fall for each other… Don’t…
-----
But my hopes turned into ashes as they were madly in love. Blushing they announced happily that they were finally together. They thanked me… and I was dumbfounded-totally speechless. The urge to cry burned in my throat, almost choked me.
-----
“ Aren`t you happy for us, ne Tatchan ? “
“ Thanks for your help, U-chan. I owe you BIG time “
No…
I swallowed my own sorrow and hid my tears well. But inside, I started to rot and crumbled.
-----
Remember those two words I mentioned before ?
I used those words too, day and night.
I spent a lot of time asking myself “ …why ? “
I practically denied the fact they were together, started to avoid them. I blamed fate, I blamed myself. Then I started creating many other possibility using “ What if…? “ in my head.
What if they never met ?
What if I never introduced them ?
What if they never fell for each other ?
What if I had confessed to Jin first ?
What if… what if one of them died ?
What if Kazuya would die ?
…the last ‘what-if’ happened… and casted us an eternal curse.
Like a bruise that never could be healed. Like a cut that will keep bleeding out…
-----
Kazuya was happily talking about Jin as I suddenly barked, “ Could you shut your fucking mouth up ??! “
He stopped his actions, shocked his face turned pale. Tears escaped from his eyes, “ Am I annoying you, Tatchan ? So.. sorry… I didn’t mean to… “
My usual self would have apologized to him and tell him everything was okay; I was just a little tired and easily pissed off. But at that time, I stared coldly at him and laughed cynically.
“ Annoying me…? “ My sarcastic tone sounded so harsh and cruel, “ Geez… Of course you are annoying me ! And why the hell is that…? “
“ Tat…chan ? “
“ You took Jin from me, dammit. You stole him from me. I was the one who fell for him first. I love him more. But suddenly you said that you love him and stole him from me “
My cousin stared at me with horror in his eyes.
“ Tatchan… I’m sorry… Tatchan, I didn’t know… Tatchan…Please forgive me… I… “
“ Cut it out, Kazu ! It’s no use for you to keep apologizing to me. It won’t change anything “
“ Tatchan… “
“ GET. OUT. “ I pushed him out, “ I don`t want to see you face again. EVER “
He stared at me with pleading eyes; tears staining his beautiful face. He looked so pitiful, yet I slammed the door hard right in front of his face. He keep pleading outside but I didn’t listen.
You are the one who made me rot.
So taste my venom now…
-----
I didn’t know that it was the last moments I shared with him. It was later that night when Jin called me, crying hysterically. It took me several minutes to finally get the news : Kazuya got hit by a drunken driver as he was walking home.
-----
“ I don`t understand, U-chan… This must be a nightmare… “ Jin sobbed, his eyes were bloodshot and swollen. “ The witnesses said that Kazuya seemed to be dazed off. He didn’t notice the car at all. They said that he could have avoided the crash if he had moved immediately but he didn’t… “
Jin screamed in horror as the doctor shook his head and told us that it was over. Jin barged in to see the motionless body, crying hard ,hugging him tight-the coldness from the skin shocked him.
“ You can`t be dead…! You can´t leave me…!! Kazuu…!! “
Something burned in my throat. The same pain hit me deep in my heart.
Jin looked so desperate, so fragile… He was crumbled in grief as the younger boy never wake up from his coma.
This wasn´t what I wished for…
-----
“ You love him so much ne, Jin ? “ I whispered.
You used those two words like a mad man.
You kept chanting those two words, sorrow and agony killing you slowly from the inside.
You asked me, “ Why… Why did it happen, U-chan ? Why did he leave me ? Why…? “
You are broken into pieces, crumbled right in front of me. And I couldn’t do anything to ease your pain.
You kept asking me thousand possibilities of those ‘what-if’ questions. Honestly, Jin… I never had any answer for your questions. It was beyond my reach…
Then, you started to act like this.
Shutting yourself into your own world.
I choked on my own tears, hugging Jin tight,
“ Jin… this is me… Say my name…“
“ ..Kazu… “
That’s not my name.
I’m not him, Jin… and I may be the one responsible for his death.
But I’m just a human being and humans are selfish when it comes to love.
I love you, Jin…
Why can´t you love me back ?
Is this my curse for being selfishly in love with you ?
You never say my name, not even once.
Not... even once...
There is only a name you keep repeating over and over.
And that’s not mine.
Not my name.
-owari-
Author : mizuno_hikaru
Pairing : Akame, Jinda
Rating : NC17 for the angst theme
Disclaimer : All of them are JE's.
Summary : I’m not him, Jin… and I may be the one responsible for his death. But I’m just a human being and humans are selfish when it comes to love...
A/N : New Moon’s biased. Yep, I wrote this after read the novel. Poor Jacob XDXD. I already read Breaking Dawn tough, so I knew he was not that broken-hearted, but it’s hard when it comes to one-sided love ne?
betaed by my luvly beta carey_chan . I wished u okay, hun. *hugs*
==============================================================================
There are two words that people often use when drowning in their despair. The first word is why-an adverb used to ask or talk about the reason, purpose or cause of something. The second one is what-if. Both words have a great connection with each other…since people will ask “ …why ? “ before they start to imagine any possibility using “ …what if… what if…? “
I saw these described scenes with my own eyes.
And it was painful, even just to watch the way someone’s life and hopes crumbled in such a grief.
A human’s life is unpredictable.
It may sound weird but the idiom which said 'Life is a stage awaiting it`s player' seemes to be true. We are the players-the fate-stringed marionette. And we were performing the acts on a huge stage called daily life.
One last thing to be said : fate can be devilishly cruel.
***
He sat there on the wooden panel of the huge windowsill; the lights illuminated his figure in a dimly glow. He barely recognized things around him-mostly spacing out. Even if you tried hard to catch his attention, the only response you’ll get is his lethargical expression, staring at you meaninglessly.
It was getting much, much harder as the days passed. He was so passive,denying his own life. Most of the people surrendered already, “ …it’s better to just leave him alone “
…but I couldn’t do that.
I didn’t care if he was happier in his dreamy life. I didn’t care that he shut himself in his own little world. I didn’t care if he was acting like some kind of zombie; like some weird viruses eating his brain or what… I didn’t care that he became an empty cocoon without any soul-I just wanted him. Beside me. Badly…
“ Jin ? “
He was familiar enough with my voice, so he rolled his eyes and stared at me using his blank dark irises. I bit my lips hard; a stabbed pain tortured my heart. It was suffocating to see him like this. As I kneeled in front of him, I repeated my call, “ Jin ? It’s me “
He just rolled his eyes absent-mindedly, continuing to space out. His body gestures signaled nothing; as if I was talking to a mechanic doll. I removed some strands from his sight, “ Jin ? Look at me, will you ? “
“ …Kazuya… “
I knew that it was the only word he could speak but my heart winced badly as I heard it. I shut my eyes tightly for a second. “ I’m not him… Jin. That’s not my name… “
“ …Kazuya… “
His eyes wandered wildly as he was trying so hard to find the said person. I cupped his face with my palms, forcing him to stare straight at me. “ Jin, listen to me “
“ …Kazu ? “
Why ?
Why does he always say that name ?
Why are you acting like this, Jin ?
Can`t you forget about your past-about him… and go on with your life ?
“ …Jin ! “
A tear formed in his eyes. He gave in to his tantrum, sobbing, throwing things. I grabbed his arm and forced him to sit down. Before he was able to say anything , I hushed him-shutting him by pressing my own lips onto his.
He struggled for a second but I had no intention of letting him wear my dominence off. Finally, he was calming down but didn’t react to anything yet again. He sat on the windowsill and acted still like a statue, not responding to my kiss.
Tears started to form in my eyes.
This is not fair.
I was the one who has been there beside you all those time.
I was the one who has been with you first…
I was the one who introduced you to him…
and I regret it. So much…
-----
“ Jin, this is Kamenashi Kazuya. Kazu, this is Akanishi Jin “
I introduced them to each other with a big smile on my face. Both of them smiled as they shook each others hand, mumbling a ‘Nice to meet you’.
One is my secret-crush aka childhood-friend, the other is my lovely cousin who`s like a brother for me.
I wanted them to get along, the two most precious person in my life. I would have never guessed that after that moment everything would change.
They fell for each other.
It was Kazuya who told me about his feelings first. Blushing like a high school girl, the 21 years-old Kazuya giggled : “ Ne, Tatchan…? I think I fell for him “
My face turned pale. I `ve never told anyone about my crush on Jin and Kazuya didn’t notice. “ Do you think that he will love me back ? “
-----
My mouth went dry at that moment. I couldn’t answer... but Kazuya’s question got answered later; fulfilling his wishes.
-----
Jin laughed, “ Ne, U-chan… Will you kick my ass if I said that I fell for your cousin ? I love him, U-chan… Can you help me ? “
My eyes widened in shock but Jin didn’t notice any of it as he was too busy imagining Kazuya.
No…no… Don’t fall for each other… Don’t…
-----
But my hopes turned into ashes as they were madly in love. Blushing they announced happily that they were finally together. They thanked me… and I was dumbfounded-totally speechless. The urge to cry burned in my throat, almost choked me.
-----
“ Aren`t you happy for us, ne Tatchan ? “
“ Thanks for your help, U-chan. I owe you BIG time “
No…
I swallowed my own sorrow and hid my tears well. But inside, I started to rot and crumbled.
-----
Remember those two words I mentioned before ?
I used those words too, day and night.
I spent a lot of time asking myself “ …why ? “
I practically denied the fact they were together, started to avoid them. I blamed fate, I blamed myself. Then I started creating many other possibility using “ What if…? “ in my head.
What if they never met ?
What if I never introduced them ?
What if they never fell for each other ?
What if I had confessed to Jin first ?
What if… what if one of them died ?
What if Kazuya would die ?
…the last ‘what-if’ happened… and casted us an eternal curse.
Like a bruise that never could be healed. Like a cut that will keep bleeding out…
-----
Kazuya was happily talking about Jin as I suddenly barked, “ Could you shut your fucking mouth up ??! “
He stopped his actions, shocked his face turned pale. Tears escaped from his eyes, “ Am I annoying you, Tatchan ? So.. sorry… I didn’t mean to… “
My usual self would have apologized to him and tell him everything was okay; I was just a little tired and easily pissed off. But at that time, I stared coldly at him and laughed cynically.
“ Annoying me…? “ My sarcastic tone sounded so harsh and cruel, “ Geez… Of course you are annoying me ! And why the hell is that…? “
“ Tat…chan ? “
“ You took Jin from me, dammit. You stole him from me. I was the one who fell for him first. I love him more. But suddenly you said that you love him and stole him from me “
My cousin stared at me with horror in his eyes.
“ Tatchan… I’m sorry… Tatchan, I didn’t know… Tatchan…Please forgive me… I… “
“ Cut it out, Kazu ! It’s no use for you to keep apologizing to me. It won’t change anything “
“ Tatchan… “
“ GET. OUT. “ I pushed him out, “ I don`t want to see you face again. EVER “
He stared at me with pleading eyes; tears staining his beautiful face. He looked so pitiful, yet I slammed the door hard right in front of his face. He keep pleading outside but I didn’t listen.
You are the one who made me rot.
So taste my venom now…
-----
I didn’t know that it was the last moments I shared with him. It was later that night when Jin called me, crying hysterically. It took me several minutes to finally get the news : Kazuya got hit by a drunken driver as he was walking home.
-----
“ I don`t understand, U-chan… This must be a nightmare… “ Jin sobbed, his eyes were bloodshot and swollen. “ The witnesses said that Kazuya seemed to be dazed off. He didn’t notice the car at all. They said that he could have avoided the crash if he had moved immediately but he didn’t… “
Jin screamed in horror as the doctor shook his head and told us that it was over. Jin barged in to see the motionless body, crying hard ,hugging him tight-the coldness from the skin shocked him.
“ You can`t be dead…! You can´t leave me…!! Kazuu…!! “
Something burned in my throat. The same pain hit me deep in my heart.
Jin looked so desperate, so fragile… He was crumbled in grief as the younger boy never wake up from his coma.
This wasn´t what I wished for…
-----
“ You love him so much ne, Jin ? “ I whispered.
You used those two words like a mad man.
You kept chanting those two words, sorrow and agony killing you slowly from the inside.
You asked me, “ Why… Why did it happen, U-chan ? Why did he leave me ? Why…? “
You are broken into pieces, crumbled right in front of me. And I couldn’t do anything to ease your pain.
You kept asking me thousand possibilities of those ‘what-if’ questions. Honestly, Jin… I never had any answer for your questions. It was beyond my reach…
Then, you started to act like this.
Shutting yourself into your own world.
I choked on my own tears, hugging Jin tight,
“ Jin… this is me… Say my name…“
“ ..Kazu… “
That’s not my name.
I’m not him, Jin… and I may be the one responsible for his death.
But I’m just a human being and humans are selfish when it comes to love.
I love you, Jin…
Why can´t you love me back ?
Is this my curse for being selfishly in love with you ?
You never say my name, not even once.
Not... even once...
There is only a name you keep repeating over and over.
And that’s not mine.
Not my name.
-owari-