Fanfiction : Incurable Love Chapter 7
Title : Incurable Love
Author : miyukaii
Rating : PG-13 (For swearing)
Warnings : Swearing, Supernatural (Kind of.)
Genre : Angst, Drama, Romance
Pairings : RyoDa, Akame
Disclaimer : I am a young woman in her teens not a wrinkled man who owns an entertainment. Thank you. I do not own these boys. ideas are produced by my wild imagination.
Summary: Its been two years since they last saw each other. And when one finds the other, they are confronted with another wave of dilemmas and heartbreaks.
Disclaimer : I do not own anything except for the plot. All knowledge about MPD is found through books. Characters being shown by Ueda are also fictional.
Notes : This chapter is beta'ed by twixsterria . I love her random notes above my fic too. And yes she gave me a new idea on this fic especially for her favorite pairing. :DDD Thanks Aren. This chapter is for
snow_meow because she gave me an idea on how to go about it. This chapter was originally short but because of her, I was able to add in a few more ideas.
This fanfiction is posted in : jent_fanfics , ryoda_love ,
kattun_fanfics
Link to previous chapters : Chapter 1 , Chapter 2 , Chapter 3 , Chapter 4 , Chapter 5 , Chapter 6,Interlude I : Ryo/Ueda
Note : Before reading, I would like to clarify a few things regarding the timeline of this said story. For more information about the timeline, please go here. I suggest you read this because I will be altering some of the happenings, making this fic fanon and only loosely based on canon.
The guys have been idols, and still works for Johnny’s Entertainment. But no, they never did any dramas. They stick to agenda of singing and performing in musicals. No dramas for then. Everything will be explained in the end as to why I have to do this.
Next, Timeline will be changed:
2006 - DEBUT OF KAT-TUN
2007.06 - Kame died because of lung cancer
- Ueda found out about his MPD
2007.07 - Ueda and Nishikido breaks up
2007.10 - NEWS Concert in TAIPEI
2009.05 - Current Time
**Akanishi Jin never left for Los Angeles.
** The mentioned Johnny’s Countdown happens on January. The concert Cartoon Kat-TUN II YOU tour happens on April. The Concert of NEWS followed the original time (10.06 - 10.07)
Ryo and Tatsuya stared at each other, the atmosphere being enveloped in awkwardness and tension. It was suffocating and anxiety causing.
“Ughh, do you want to talk somewhere else?” Tatsuya asked quietly, not even looking at Ryo.
Ryo agreed and stood up, offering to pay for Tatsuya’s meal. Tatsuya declined though, telling him that Jin has in fact paid for it in the counter already.
They walked out of the café together and headed to the shore. The rough feeling of sand on their feet and the warm, blue water of the sea relaxing them.
“So, you want to talk?” Ryo asked softly.
Tatsuya nodded.
“I’m Tatsuya. I’m another personality of Ueda. Many refer to me as the shy person. I asked Jin if I could talk to you. I don’t know how long I’ll be surfacing but I wanted to have a chance to talk to you. I want to tell you a lot of things. I want to do a lot of things with you.” he replied, gazing at the bright, shining sun.
“Truthfully, I don’t know how to start talking to you. Many things are on my mind right now and I’m so confused on where to begin.” he added.
Ryo just looked at the quiet man, feeling his heart beat in his chest, as if yearning to feel the other.
“I guess I…no…we owe you a lot of explanation. Many things were done yet continues o puzzle you?” Tatsuya asked as he sits in the sand. Ryo follows suit.
“I guess it’ll be better if you just ask me questions. Ask the questions that answer all the things you wanted to know. But there are things that I may not be able to explain. Some of the solutions that you are looking for lies within the memory of the real Ueda Tatsuya.” Tatsuya told him.
Ryo nodded, contemplating on the question he wanted to ask.
“Why did you leave?” he asked. Jin had told him the reason before, but he wanted to hear everything from Ueda.
“Multiple Personality Disorder may seem ordinary to other people thinking that the people affected are having alter egos of some kind. But in reality, its one of the most tragic illnesses a person can acquire. The real person blacks out whenever a new personality resurfaces. The personalities being shown by that person only retain fragments of memories--usually accumulated whenever they resurface." Tatsuya explained, his eyes never meeting Ryo's and his hands playing with the grains of sand by his feet.
"But what’s worst is that the illness does not only affect us, it also affects the people that we cherish. They are asked to carry a burden that was not supposed to be theirs in the first place. Ueda felt that if he continued to be with you, he would be burdening you and keeping you away from your dreams of becoming a successful artist in the industry." Tatsuya stopped for a while, trying to regain his composure for what was about to come next.
"At that point," he began, "all of us agreed to let you go. In one way or another, we are able to converse with each other. We all felt that if we would let you go at such an early point, that if we hurt you by leaving you, you’ll be able to move on. That’s how we pictured everything when we made the decision.
Too many times I have asked them the true meaning of why we had to leave when we all knew you cared and would never leave us. But they never revealed any direct answers to me. And as time flew by, I eventually began to understand everything.
We chose to leave not because we wanted you to live a normal life while we were saved form the pain of seeing you as normal as you can be while we suffer such a painful fate. We left because we wanted you to move on and be happy. We left you because we love you.” Tatsuya replied, his voice breaking at the end of his answer.
Ryo felt tears gathering in his eyes once more and tried to hold them back.
“We all have different personalities, Ryo. Some of us are innocent, almost looking blindly and only seeing the beauty of this world. Some live for violence, the blood and power they hold on other people makes them breathe--it is what they hold in the palm of their hands that satisfies them. Some are plainly idiotic, looking at the world as if it were a joke. Some are childish and some can be as mature as we are. We may all have differences in our personality, a variation that distinguishes us for one another, but we have one thing that will never change. A similarity that, no matter how much fate tries to play with will never falter. We all love you Ryo, more than we love our self. Never ever think that we left you because we wanted to Ryo.
I’ve always wanted to say it to you as who I am. As Tatsuya, the meek person inside the real one. But I never had the chance. I wanted to say thank you for giving me the opportunity to feel what true love really is.” Ueda added.
As of now, both of them had tears streaking down their faces. The emotions they felt overwhelmed them as silence enveloped them; the only sounds heard were the gentle collisions of the waves against the shore.
“How, how did it start? Why?” Ryo spoke, his throat hurting, his pain being constricted.
“The only person that can answer that is me.”
“What do you mean only you?” Ryo asked, bothered by the older man’s cryptic words.
“I am the real Ueda Tatsuya. Tatsuya was overwhelmed and finally had his peace after saying all the things that he has been meaning to tell you. He’s really happy and asked me to tell you the things you wanted to know. He said he wanted to give us the opportunity to talk and finally settle everything.
Frankly, I don’t know what to say. When Jin told me that you agreed meeting with me, I was happy. But at the same time, I felt lost. How can I face you? How will I talk to you? After the pain you’ve gone through because of me, you were supposed to forget me. You weren't supposed to see me or still love me.
I thought that leaving you might be the best thing I can do to save you. Seems idiotic but I was desperate. It broke my heart to hear Jin tell me that you haven't been eating and was instead over stressing yourself. I thought that time will be able to heal all the wounds that I left in your heart, but I never noticed that what it did was contradicting to what I had predicted. It deepened every wound, opening the scars of the hurtful past we’ve been through before we got together.
I wanted you to forget me and move on.” Ueda said.
Ryo could not say anything back. The man’s confession had overwhelmed him too. At this point, he feels remorse for blaming Ueda. He feels guilt for thinking that Ueda was a selfish bastard who chose to leave him after all they’ve been through when in fact, he was the one being selfish to pine over him and blame Ueda. Ueda was being selfless, trying to save him from the pain.
“When…when did it start?” Ryo asked his voice hoarse and raw.
“It was back in late 2006 I guess. I started having these insufferable headaches. I thought that perhaps it was an effect of over fatigue or just the usual migraine I have when I overwork myself. I asked my manager if I could take a break for at least two to three days due to health condition but I was denied of my request because of the coming countdown. Rehearsals were hectic, our schedule was always full.
After the countdown, I tried asking the manager again but I was asked to take Akanishi’s part in some of the songs so I had to attend a lot of rehearsal in preparation for our concert.
Still during that time, the headaches continued. I constantly blacked out during the rehearsals. My memories also had gaps filling in between them. It seemed that a big chunk of partial memories were taken away from me.
Members would talk about various activities or deeds that I’ve been doing with them. Koki would usually claim that I had a heavy night out with him, drinking in the bar the hardest liquors, collecting girls here and there, but I could not remember it. When Kame died, more of these things occurred. I started having auditory hallucinations. I felt like there was always someone talking to me, contradicting my opinions and thoughts.
I was so lost. I couldn't tell you this because I knew that you were busy yourself, with Kanjani8 and NEWS. I mean with the rehearsals for your concert in Taipei and everything. I felt so alone then.” Ueda told him, as the man wiped his tears.
Ryo knew that it must be so painful for Ueda to reminisce such memories.
“I was about to go home. It was raining hard and everything was already taking its toll on me: the constant blackout, the pain, hallucination, rehearsals. After that, all I remember was the aching pain my head when I fell down.
I woke up to recognize that I was in Akanishi’s apartment. He found me when I fell. I told him all the things happening to me and he suggested that I meet with a doctor.
After a series of test, the doctor asked me to talk to him privately.
“Doctor, what seems to be the problem?”
“Ueda-san, we’ve taken a lot of test. You have no head damage, if that is what you are thinking. But we found a heavier illness, based from the results of the test and your statements.”
“What is it, doctor?”
”It’s MPD.”
The answer was so direct that it shocked me.
“MPD?”
“Yes, Ueda-san. MPD or Multiple Personality Disorder is also called as Dissociative Identity Disorder. It is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a condition in which a single person displays multiple distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. (1)”
“What does it mean exactly doctor?”
“From the statements, you have told us that you black out constantly and cannot remember a single thing but people around you claims that you have done some kind of an activity with them. It is possible that one of your personality surfaces. You may not seem to remember what is happening around you but they do.”
“But what caused this? Is there a cure?”
I was frantic by then. I was told that I had a psychological illness.”
“What caused it?”
“The doctor asked me to talk to a counselor. The counselor collaborated with my doctor and they found out that my illness was caused by overwhelming stress and insufficient childhood nurturing. I have told you once of my childhood life, right?
As I looked back, what my parents did to me was not exactly a good thing. They locked me in my cage, depriving me of happiness and excitement. I was nagged to study, forced to take extra lessons that a normal child cannot enjoy. I was punished for my misgivings. I grew up scared of making mistakes, always trying to stay on the safe side. It came to a point that I did not know how I would live without them. In a way I became too dependent on them. The stress of being an idol contributed to it too.
I’ve always told people how I see fairies. I’ve always seen them. That is what I believe. But I was opened to the fact that due to my constant dreaming, trying to leave reality, I was deprived of the ability to disassociate reality to imagination.”
Ryo tried to take in everything and could only cry for the man he loves. He feels so useless, sitting there crying while Ueda tries to be strong for the both of them.
“Why did you not tell me?”
“I was afraid, Ryo. I was very afraid. I was afraid that you’ll be sacred me. I was afraid that you’ll leave me. So I thought that perhaps, it will lessen the pain if I will leave you. I did not tell you because I do not want you to carry my burdens.
I am scared that if you care too much about me, you will let go of the job that you have grown to love so much. The spotlight is the place where you truly belong, Ryo. Not with some psychopathic person like me. I will only hinder you if I tell you.”
Ryo looked at the man and pulled him into a hug.
The older man tried pulling away.
“Please, Ryo…just please…let me go already. Move on…for-forget about me.” Ueda pleaded as his tears falls freely.
“No, I’m not going to lose you. I’m never going to let go.” Ryo said. As Ryo listens to Ueda, he realizes how much of a fool he is to think of letting this man in front of him go.
He will love Ueda for as long as he can. He will not let the other slip from his grasp again.
“Please…I’m begging you. I don’t know how long I’ll be like this. I don’t want you to suffer.” Ueda said, still struggling.
“No, Ueda.” Ryo said as he tightens his hold on him.
“Don’t make it too hard for me…we’ve suffered so much already. Its time for em to ease your pain…to let you live in peace.”
“Don’t do this to me now, princess. Maybe when you’re well, we would both be glad that I have not let go…that maybe we can also have our own happy fairytale ending like you always tell me….”
“Maybe when you find out that I’ll never be cured, you’d wish that you should have given up on me. Maybe you’d wish that you should’ve realized sooner that not all fairytales have their happy ending…that maybe our fairytale was not supposed to have one…”
“Please don’t say that…”
”But its true…Your life is a book Ryo. It has long chapters that will forever leave a memory in you…and those short lived ones that will fade as if they never appeared. I’m one of those short chapters Ryo. You’ll move on from me…You have too…”
“Don’t talk as if you’re going to die….You won’t. You’re sick but you still have a chance at life…”
“It’s not a matter if I will live or not. Being sick, being psychologically challenged like this…I don’t deserve you.”
“I’m not letting you go.” Ryo said firmly.
“Ryo...when I’m violent, I hurt people, I hurt myself…when I’m childish…I’m stupid. When I have these headaches, it hurts…It’s as if my head is being hammered until it shatters into little pieces. And what can you do? You’ll hold my hand; feel useless, telling me that you cared but knowing it won’t help me? Would you want that for yourself? Because I don’t want that for you.”
“It would be hard. It would be painful for me and for you. But wouldn’t you at least want that? Someone holding your hand, to know that you are loved? To look at you with desperate hope but at least know that someone is there?”
“If it would mean pain for you, no.”
”Stop being stubborn, Ueda.”
“Let me go…”
“No Ueda, you listen to me now. If you won’t be cured, if we will both suffer from it, it’d be better for me knowing that at least you cared enough about me not to let go of me. That perhaps despite all the pain that we will go through, we know that we will be together. Please…Just please Ueda. Let’s be selfish. Be selfish. Please, love me, stay with me. Don’t let go of me.”
“I’ve never stopped loving you…and I probably never will.”
“Don’t let go of me…not now, not tomorrow, never.”
Ueda clutched the material of Ryo’s shirt as he hugs him back. Ryo speaks again,
“I will love you in happiness and in pain.”
“I don’t want to be hurt again.” Ueda murmured.
“You won’t be. Stay with me. Be with me.”
“I have a lot of personalities.”
“I’ll be with them.”
“I have a lot of problems.”
Ryo gently raised Tatsuya’s face, making Tatsuya look straight into his eyes. He caressed his cheek softly.
“We’ll solve it together. Tatsuya, I love you no matter who you are. I’ll prove to you that our own fairytale can have a happy ending.” He said, kissing Ueda’s forehead softly.
A few blocks away, two figures stares at them with soft smiles on their faces.
“I’m glad to know that they can have a happy ending that we never had the chance to have.” Jin whispered softly.
Kame looks at him. “Jin, everyday with you is my happy ending. In my heart, our fairytales end everyday and starts another one the next day.”
Jin smiled at him, finding peace at his lover’s words.
Author’s Note : Finally they were able to talk. If some of you are thinking, they will still encounter small problems along the way of course, especially with Ryo dealing with the personalities.
This fic is about to end already. At most, 2 chapters and an epilogue. Thank you for continuously reading this fiction.
EDIT (1) Definition of MPD is borrowed from Wikipedia. :D
Author : miyukaii
Rating : PG-13 (For swearing)
Warnings : Swearing, Supernatural (Kind of.)
Genre : Angst, Drama, Romance
Pairings : RyoDa, Akame
Disclaimer : I am a young woman in her teens not a wrinkled man who owns an entertainment. Thank you. I do not own these boys. ideas are produced by my wild imagination.
Summary: Its been two years since they last saw each other. And when one finds the other, they are confronted with another wave of dilemmas and heartbreaks.
Disclaimer : I do not own anything except for the plot. All knowledge about MPD is found through books. Characters being shown by Ueda are also fictional.
Notes : This chapter is beta'ed by twixsterria . I love her random notes above my fic too. And yes she gave me a new idea on this fic especially for her favorite pairing. :DDD Thanks Aren. This chapter is for
snow_meow because she gave me an idea on how to go about it. This chapter was originally short but because of her, I was able to add in a few more ideas.
This fanfiction is posted in : jent_fanfics , ryoda_love ,
kattun_fanfics
Link to previous chapters : Chapter 1 , Chapter 2 , Chapter 3 , Chapter 4 , Chapter 5 , Chapter 6,Interlude I : Ryo/Ueda
Note : Before reading, I would like to clarify a few things regarding the timeline of this said story. For more information about the timeline, please go here. I suggest you read this because I will be altering some of the happenings, making this fic fanon and only loosely based on canon.
The guys have been idols, and still works for Johnny’s Entertainment. But no, they never did any dramas. They stick to agenda of singing and performing in musicals. No dramas for then. Everything will be explained in the end as to why I have to do this.
Next, Timeline will be changed:
2006 - DEBUT OF KAT-TUN
2007.06 - Kame died because of lung cancer
- Ueda found out about his MPD
2007.07 - Ueda and Nishikido breaks up
2007.10 - NEWS Concert in TAIPEI
2009.05 - Current Time
**Akanishi Jin never left for Los Angeles.
** The mentioned Johnny’s Countdown happens on January. The concert Cartoon Kat-TUN II YOU tour happens on April. The Concert of NEWS followed the original time (10.06 - 10.07)
Ryo and Tatsuya stared at each other, the atmosphere being enveloped in awkwardness and tension. It was suffocating and anxiety causing.
“Ughh, do you want to talk somewhere else?” Tatsuya asked quietly, not even looking at Ryo.
Ryo agreed and stood up, offering to pay for Tatsuya’s meal. Tatsuya declined though, telling him that Jin has in fact paid for it in the counter already.
They walked out of the café together and headed to the shore. The rough feeling of sand on their feet and the warm, blue water of the sea relaxing them.
“So, you want to talk?” Ryo asked softly.
Tatsuya nodded.
“I’m Tatsuya. I’m another personality of Ueda. Many refer to me as the shy person. I asked Jin if I could talk to you. I don’t know how long I’ll be surfacing but I wanted to have a chance to talk to you. I want to tell you a lot of things. I want to do a lot of things with you.” he replied, gazing at the bright, shining sun.
“Truthfully, I don’t know how to start talking to you. Many things are on my mind right now and I’m so confused on where to begin.” he added.
Ryo just looked at the quiet man, feeling his heart beat in his chest, as if yearning to feel the other.
“I guess I…no…we owe you a lot of explanation. Many things were done yet continues o puzzle you?” Tatsuya asked as he sits in the sand. Ryo follows suit.
“I guess it’ll be better if you just ask me questions. Ask the questions that answer all the things you wanted to know. But there are things that I may not be able to explain. Some of the solutions that you are looking for lies within the memory of the real Ueda Tatsuya.” Tatsuya told him.
Ryo nodded, contemplating on the question he wanted to ask.
“Why did you leave?” he asked. Jin had told him the reason before, but he wanted to hear everything from Ueda.
“Multiple Personality Disorder may seem ordinary to other people thinking that the people affected are having alter egos of some kind. But in reality, its one of the most tragic illnesses a person can acquire. The real person blacks out whenever a new personality resurfaces. The personalities being shown by that person only retain fragments of memories--usually accumulated whenever they resurface." Tatsuya explained, his eyes never meeting Ryo's and his hands playing with the grains of sand by his feet.
"But what’s worst is that the illness does not only affect us, it also affects the people that we cherish. They are asked to carry a burden that was not supposed to be theirs in the first place. Ueda felt that if he continued to be with you, he would be burdening you and keeping you away from your dreams of becoming a successful artist in the industry." Tatsuya stopped for a while, trying to regain his composure for what was about to come next.
"At that point," he began, "all of us agreed to let you go. In one way or another, we are able to converse with each other. We all felt that if we would let you go at such an early point, that if we hurt you by leaving you, you’ll be able to move on. That’s how we pictured everything when we made the decision.
Too many times I have asked them the true meaning of why we had to leave when we all knew you cared and would never leave us. But they never revealed any direct answers to me. And as time flew by, I eventually began to understand everything.
We chose to leave not because we wanted you to live a normal life while we were saved form the pain of seeing you as normal as you can be while we suffer such a painful fate. We left because we wanted you to move on and be happy. We left you because we love you.” Tatsuya replied, his voice breaking at the end of his answer.
Ryo felt tears gathering in his eyes once more and tried to hold them back.
“We all have different personalities, Ryo. Some of us are innocent, almost looking blindly and only seeing the beauty of this world. Some live for violence, the blood and power they hold on other people makes them breathe--it is what they hold in the palm of their hands that satisfies them. Some are plainly idiotic, looking at the world as if it were a joke. Some are childish and some can be as mature as we are. We may all have differences in our personality, a variation that distinguishes us for one another, but we have one thing that will never change. A similarity that, no matter how much fate tries to play with will never falter. We all love you Ryo, more than we love our self. Never ever think that we left you because we wanted to Ryo.
I’ve always wanted to say it to you as who I am. As Tatsuya, the meek person inside the real one. But I never had the chance. I wanted to say thank you for giving me the opportunity to feel what true love really is.” Ueda added.
As of now, both of them had tears streaking down their faces. The emotions they felt overwhelmed them as silence enveloped them; the only sounds heard were the gentle collisions of the waves against the shore.
“How, how did it start? Why?” Ryo spoke, his throat hurting, his pain being constricted.
“The only person that can answer that is me.”
“What do you mean only you?” Ryo asked, bothered by the older man’s cryptic words.
“I am the real Ueda Tatsuya. Tatsuya was overwhelmed and finally had his peace after saying all the things that he has been meaning to tell you. He’s really happy and asked me to tell you the things you wanted to know. He said he wanted to give us the opportunity to talk and finally settle everything.
Frankly, I don’t know what to say. When Jin told me that you agreed meeting with me, I was happy. But at the same time, I felt lost. How can I face you? How will I talk to you? After the pain you’ve gone through because of me, you were supposed to forget me. You weren't supposed to see me or still love me.
I thought that leaving you might be the best thing I can do to save you. Seems idiotic but I was desperate. It broke my heart to hear Jin tell me that you haven't been eating and was instead over stressing yourself. I thought that time will be able to heal all the wounds that I left in your heart, but I never noticed that what it did was contradicting to what I had predicted. It deepened every wound, opening the scars of the hurtful past we’ve been through before we got together.
I wanted you to forget me and move on.” Ueda said.
Ryo could not say anything back. The man’s confession had overwhelmed him too. At this point, he feels remorse for blaming Ueda. He feels guilt for thinking that Ueda was a selfish bastard who chose to leave him after all they’ve been through when in fact, he was the one being selfish to pine over him and blame Ueda. Ueda was being selfless, trying to save him from the pain.
“When…when did it start?” Ryo asked his voice hoarse and raw.
“It was back in late 2006 I guess. I started having these insufferable headaches. I thought that perhaps it was an effect of over fatigue or just the usual migraine I have when I overwork myself. I asked my manager if I could take a break for at least two to three days due to health condition but I was denied of my request because of the coming countdown. Rehearsals were hectic, our schedule was always full.
After the countdown, I tried asking the manager again but I was asked to take Akanishi’s part in some of the songs so I had to attend a lot of rehearsal in preparation for our concert.
Still during that time, the headaches continued. I constantly blacked out during the rehearsals. My memories also had gaps filling in between them. It seemed that a big chunk of partial memories were taken away from me.
Members would talk about various activities or deeds that I’ve been doing with them. Koki would usually claim that I had a heavy night out with him, drinking in the bar the hardest liquors, collecting girls here and there, but I could not remember it. When Kame died, more of these things occurred. I started having auditory hallucinations. I felt like there was always someone talking to me, contradicting my opinions and thoughts.
I was so lost. I couldn't tell you this because I knew that you were busy yourself, with Kanjani8 and NEWS. I mean with the rehearsals for your concert in Taipei and everything. I felt so alone then.” Ueda told him, as the man wiped his tears.
Ryo knew that it must be so painful for Ueda to reminisce such memories.
“I was about to go home. It was raining hard and everything was already taking its toll on me: the constant blackout, the pain, hallucination, rehearsals. After that, all I remember was the aching pain my head when I fell down.
I woke up to recognize that I was in Akanishi’s apartment. He found me when I fell. I told him all the things happening to me and he suggested that I meet with a doctor.
After a series of test, the doctor asked me to talk to him privately.
“Doctor, what seems to be the problem?”
“Ueda-san, we’ve taken a lot of test. You have no head damage, if that is what you are thinking. But we found a heavier illness, based from the results of the test and your statements.”
“What is it, doctor?”
”It’s MPD.”
The answer was so direct that it shocked me.
“MPD?”
“Yes, Ueda-san. MPD or Multiple Personality Disorder is also called as Dissociative Identity Disorder. It is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a condition in which a single person displays multiple distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. (1)”
“What does it mean exactly doctor?”
“From the statements, you have told us that you black out constantly and cannot remember a single thing but people around you claims that you have done some kind of an activity with them. It is possible that one of your personality surfaces. You may not seem to remember what is happening around you but they do.”
“But what caused this? Is there a cure?”
I was frantic by then. I was told that I had a psychological illness.”
“What caused it?”
“The doctor asked me to talk to a counselor. The counselor collaborated with my doctor and they found out that my illness was caused by overwhelming stress and insufficient childhood nurturing. I have told you once of my childhood life, right?
As I looked back, what my parents did to me was not exactly a good thing. They locked me in my cage, depriving me of happiness and excitement. I was nagged to study, forced to take extra lessons that a normal child cannot enjoy. I was punished for my misgivings. I grew up scared of making mistakes, always trying to stay on the safe side. It came to a point that I did not know how I would live without them. In a way I became too dependent on them. The stress of being an idol contributed to it too.
I’ve always told people how I see fairies. I’ve always seen them. That is what I believe. But I was opened to the fact that due to my constant dreaming, trying to leave reality, I was deprived of the ability to disassociate reality to imagination.”
Ryo tried to take in everything and could only cry for the man he loves. He feels so useless, sitting there crying while Ueda tries to be strong for the both of them.
“Why did you not tell me?”
“I was afraid, Ryo. I was very afraid. I was afraid that you’ll be sacred me. I was afraid that you’ll leave me. So I thought that perhaps, it will lessen the pain if I will leave you. I did not tell you because I do not want you to carry my burdens.
I am scared that if you care too much about me, you will let go of the job that you have grown to love so much. The spotlight is the place where you truly belong, Ryo. Not with some psychopathic person like me. I will only hinder you if I tell you.”
Ryo looked at the man and pulled him into a hug.
The older man tried pulling away.
“Please, Ryo…just please…let me go already. Move on…for-forget about me.” Ueda pleaded as his tears falls freely.
“No, I’m not going to lose you. I’m never going to let go.” Ryo said. As Ryo listens to Ueda, he realizes how much of a fool he is to think of letting this man in front of him go.
He will love Ueda for as long as he can. He will not let the other slip from his grasp again.
“Please…I’m begging you. I don’t know how long I’ll be like this. I don’t want you to suffer.” Ueda said, still struggling.
“No, Ueda.” Ryo said as he tightens his hold on him.
“Don’t make it too hard for me…we’ve suffered so much already. Its time for em to ease your pain…to let you live in peace.”
“Don’t do this to me now, princess. Maybe when you’re well, we would both be glad that I have not let go…that maybe we can also have our own happy fairytale ending like you always tell me….”
“Maybe when you find out that I’ll never be cured, you’d wish that you should have given up on me. Maybe you’d wish that you should’ve realized sooner that not all fairytales have their happy ending…that maybe our fairytale was not supposed to have one…”
“Please don’t say that…”
”But its true…Your life is a book Ryo. It has long chapters that will forever leave a memory in you…and those short lived ones that will fade as if they never appeared. I’m one of those short chapters Ryo. You’ll move on from me…You have too…”
“Don’t talk as if you’re going to die….You won’t. You’re sick but you still have a chance at life…”
“It’s not a matter if I will live or not. Being sick, being psychologically challenged like this…I don’t deserve you.”
“I’m not letting you go.” Ryo said firmly.
“Ryo...when I’m violent, I hurt people, I hurt myself…when I’m childish…I’m stupid. When I have these headaches, it hurts…It’s as if my head is being hammered until it shatters into little pieces. And what can you do? You’ll hold my hand; feel useless, telling me that you cared but knowing it won’t help me? Would you want that for yourself? Because I don’t want that for you.”
“It would be hard. It would be painful for me and for you. But wouldn’t you at least want that? Someone holding your hand, to know that you are loved? To look at you with desperate hope but at least know that someone is there?”
“If it would mean pain for you, no.”
”Stop being stubborn, Ueda.”
“Let me go…”
“No Ueda, you listen to me now. If you won’t be cured, if we will both suffer from it, it’d be better for me knowing that at least you cared enough about me not to let go of me. That perhaps despite all the pain that we will go through, we know that we will be together. Please…Just please Ueda. Let’s be selfish. Be selfish. Please, love me, stay with me. Don’t let go of me.”
“I’ve never stopped loving you…and I probably never will.”
“Don’t let go of me…not now, not tomorrow, never.”
Ueda clutched the material of Ryo’s shirt as he hugs him back. Ryo speaks again,
“I will love you in happiness and in pain.”
“I don’t want to be hurt again.” Ueda murmured.
“You won’t be. Stay with me. Be with me.”
“I have a lot of personalities.”
“I’ll be with them.”
“I have a lot of problems.”
Ryo gently raised Tatsuya’s face, making Tatsuya look straight into his eyes. He caressed his cheek softly.
“We’ll solve it together. Tatsuya, I love you no matter who you are. I’ll prove to you that our own fairytale can have a happy ending.” He said, kissing Ueda’s forehead softly.
A few blocks away, two figures stares at them with soft smiles on their faces.
“I’m glad to know that they can have a happy ending that we never had the chance to have.” Jin whispered softly.
Kame looks at him. “Jin, everyday with you is my happy ending. In my heart, our fairytales end everyday and starts another one the next day.”
Jin smiled at him, finding peace at his lover’s words.
Author’s Note : Finally they were able to talk. If some of you are thinking, they will still encounter small problems along the way of course, especially with Ryo dealing with the personalities.
This fic is about to end already. At most, 2 chapters and an epilogue. Thank you for continuously reading this fiction.
EDIT (1) Definition of MPD is borrowed from Wikipedia. :D