[fic] Secret Point
Title: Secret Point
Pairing/Group: RyoDa
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 9138
Disclaimer: I'm not associated with these boys, and I'm not making money off this. It's just fiction.
Note: Special thanks to
jackoweskla for beta-ing this monster! ♥
For: I wrote this for
partypaprika for the
je_holiday challenge. It's the longest fic I've ever written, and completely killed me. But she actually liked it, so it was totally worth it. :D
Summary: Their relationship is full of different points, some good and some bad, all completely secret.
Ryo stares up at the stars, breathing deeply as the pain in his face slowly, barely begins to subside.
He thinks of many things as the lonely minutes pass, hearing the songs change from inside the house but not listening to the music, the rhythm lost on him as his mind is elsewhere.
The grass prickles at his neck relentlessly, but Ryo doesn’t move, he can barely find the energy to blink. The cold is biting into his skin, the wet grass not helping matters any. But right now, none of this is really bothering Ryo.
He lies there, and thinks about Ueda.
Their relationship had been born on a drunken night, but hadn’t really started until the day after. It had started out as a game, a game that he had suggested, but had grown until it swallowed them both.
It slowly killed Ryo, and as far as he’s concerned, it killed their relationship as well.
The song inside changes to a sad one.
Ryo isn’t listening.
*
The starting point of their relationship was in an elevator on a Tuesday afternoon.
Ryo had been going down the lobby of the JE building for a lunch break between dance rehearsals, and Ueda was headed to the 3rd floor to pick up filming schedules for KAT-TUN’s TV show.
It was originally just Ryo and Kawai in the elevator, but Ueda stepped in on the 26th floor. He was wearing a huge scarf, looking more tired than he should be at 11:40 am. Still, he was smiling and bowing at Kawai, greeting the man, and glancing uncomfortably at Ryo. Ueda stepped forward to press the number 3, before moving to stand next to Ryo. There was more than enough room for him to stand anywhere else he wanted to in the elevator.
They never stood next to each other. After a moment of shocked confusion, Ryo stepped back once, leaning against the elevator wall and crossing his arms. He stared at the back of Ueda’s head, wondering what would happen next.
Either he didn’t notice the step back, or he just pretended not to. Ryo didn’t want to know which it was, and he kind of wished he couldn’t care; somehow, both possibilities were a bit sad.
He looked away and stared straight ahead, trying his hardest to ignore Ueda’s presence and wondering if he actually expected something from him. Ryo had nothing to feel bad about - they both understood that things like this needed to be kept secret, didn’t they? The tiny elevator seemed to get smaller as thoughts bombarded Ryo one after another, each more troubling than the one before. What if Ueda didn’t understand? It wasn’t exactly a point of discussion last night, and when Ryo had woken up, the other was already gone.
It was impossible to know for sure; they hadn’t spoken once since falling asleep together on top of Ryo’s black sheets. Sure, it wasn’t the kind of shit you see in movies, like it mattered. Ryo didn’t care that it wasn’t magical, because it was them, and it was great.
There had been a mutual attraction that had taken weeks for the two to finally address. Finally, Ueda had shown up at Ryo’s door with a half-emptied bottle of vodka and a tiny smile playing about his lips.
They had sex that night, and again the next morning. It was rough, unforgiving and full of pent up sexual frustration and the kind of reckless abandon that only alcohol could produce.
And here they were, hours after their second sex romp, in an elevator with Kawai looking at each of them in turn.
“Man, I heard the rivalry between the two of you was scripted.” Kawai was facing ahead by the time he spoke.
“What was that?” Ueda asked kindly, leaning forward in an attempt to catch the taller man’s eyes.
Kawai shrugged, meeting his gaze. “No, it’s just that I can feel the tension, you know? Like, there’s a lot of energy and stuff. It’s kind of suffocating.” He laughed uneasily. “I’m sensing some unresolved tension of some sort.”
“What can I say?” Ryo crossed his arms, sounding beyond annoyed. “I’ve always had a low tolerance for ugly people, and the princess looks particularly horrid today. Just being this close is enough to make me a bit sick.”
“Ah.” Kawai winced, looking at Ueda expectantly, as if waiting for him to shoot some scathing remark at Ryo.
Nothing was said. Ryo stared at Ueda’s back. He wished he had said something, anything. Now he felt awkward, and Ryo hated feeling awkward.
Kawai looked at the two strangely before facing forward again. He didn’t speak until the elevator stopped at his floor, and it was only to say bye to the two of them. He gave Ueda one last curious look before turning and walking away, the doors closing behind him.
No more than two seconds after the elevator began its decent again, Ueda sprang forward and hit the emergency stop button. Before Ryo could ask him if he’d lost his mind, he was pushed against the wall roughly by Ueda, who said nothing; his actions and the genuinely pissed off look on his face speaking enough. They stood an arms length apart, but it somehow seemed like so much less; especially with Ueda’s threatening glare and the fact that it was an elevator and no quick escape could be made.
Ueda spoke first, his voice firm. “What am I to you?”
Ryo blinked. Twice. “What. What the fuck, are you high-?”
“Answer the question.”
He snorted. “No.”
Ryo didn’t take orders from anyone, especially someone like Ueda. Besides, it wasn’t as if he could answer a loaded question like that. He’d never been good with feelings, or talking about them. “Why don’t you tell me why you stopped the elevator and shoved me against a wall, and then we’ll talk.”
“Saying those things,” Ueda looked down at his shoes as he spoke. “I know we’re not in love or anything, but I thought we could at the very least be civil. Even if it was just sex to you.”
Ryo didn’t want to discuss this; he didn’t even think he could. He wanted to tell Ueda that somehow - to his own shock - it was more than just sex, and that he actually did like him. It wasn’t love, but it was a start. Ryo wanted to tell Ueda that he didn’t really look that bad right now, and that he was just saying those things so as not to arouse suspicion. More than anything, Ryo wanted to touch Ueda, especially when he was looking so small and insecure.
Ryo did none of those things.
Instead, he rolled his eyes and scoffed. “Could you please not be such a woman about this? We had fun last night, didn’t we?” His tone softened. “We can have more fun, if you just keep quiet and pretend like nothing’s changed. It’s not that difficult.”
“You still haven’t answered my question.”
Ryo wished he’d drop it. “Does it matter?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“It just does.” Ueda shook his head. “I just want to know. Are we friends, lovers, something in between? What is this?”
Ryo pushed his hair back and sighed, looking up at the dim elevator ceiling lights and choosing his words as carefully as possible. He looked back at Ueda, who was staring at him expectantly with poorly masked apprehension. Ryo couldn’t help but feel a twinge.
“This…it’s a secret. Obviously.” He added, just to be an ass.
Ueda’s eyebrows creased as he frowned, “A secret,” He repeated. “A secret from who, colleagues like Kawai, or everyone, including our friends?”
Ryo had hoped that the he wouldn’t need convincing, and that they could just go on hating each other in public and keep whatever it was between them behind closed doors. Ueda didn’t seem to understand that if their closest friends knew, everything would change.
Expectations would be put on them to act a certain way, people would look at them differently, and worst of all, someone could slip up and it could get to Johnny. If that happened… no, it just couldn’t.
“Well, it’s more exciting if it’s a secret.” Ryo smirked as he stepped forward, ignoring the confusion on Ueda’s face as he slowly trailed a hand down his chest and to his stomach. “Right?”
Ryo grabbed his elbow and reversed their positions of a few minutes ago, roughly pushing Ueda into the elevator wall, their bodies finally touching again. Hot breath mingled between the two, lips achingly close but not touching. Ryo could see, almost feel Ueda gulp, and as he looked at his face, eyelashes fluttering closed and a pink tongue peeking out to lick dry lips almost close enough to touch his own mouth, something occurred to him.
This was all he wanted.
It was insane. It was stupid. It was dangerous.
Ryo knew it would be easier to let go, to tell Ueda that it was a one-time thing and to forget about it. Things could go back to how they were before, and having gotten the sex out of their system, some of the tension would be gone.
In the end, all of it was easier said than done.
Because when it came to Ueda, he was already hooked, and too far gone to care.
“Exciting, huh?” Ueda finally responded with slow, teasing hands. Within moments his touches became confident and sure. Both of them hissed as the electricity in the small space tripled as they began to touch one another, grabbing at skin as if it would disappear any moment. Ryo’s hand came up to caress Ueda’s back through the thin black and white shirt he wore. It was one of those wide collared shirts, the kind that made Ryo want to bite down on that freckled collarbone, hard. “Like a game?”
“Mmm.” Ryo agreed, eyes closed, mouth open in a soft smile. Ryo kept catching flashes of tongue, and it was driving him insane.
Ryo smirked, biting his lower lip and grabbing Ueda’s ass with both hands, lifting him and pushing him against the wall again. Ueda hit the wall with a thump; a small, excited groan the only noise he made upon impact. He grabbed a fistful of Ryo’s hair, boldly biting his ear as he wrapped both legs around him and bucked forward, desperately.
Ueda moaned appreciatively as Ryo violently pushed him into the elevator wall again and again, the hardness in both of their pants creating a delicious friction. Ueda wrapped his arms around Ryo’s shoulders and lowered his head, their open mouths bumping together, tongues entwining as they met.
It wasn’t kissing, and it wasn’t an embrace. It was raw, needy, and just what they both needed from one another.
The elevator didn’t start up again for another fifteen minutes.
*
The most electrifying point of their relationship took place after their mock fights.
Things progressed from that fateful encounter in the elevator that day, when they decided to play around with everyone and pretend that their hatred was real. It became the ultimate turn-on for them, having this secret under everyone else’s noses. The higher the possibility of being caught, the more intense their sessions became.
One of their most memorable trysts had been when KAT-TUN and Kanjani8 had gotten scheduled for photo shoots on the same day in the same building. Everyone had been getting along well enough, with Ueda and Ryo keeping their distance as they sat on opposite sides of the shared dressing room.
It happened in a matter of seconds. One moment the two were facing opposite directions, the next they were standing no more than a foot away from each other in the middle of the room, looking about ready to tear one another apart.
Ueda said something about ugly midgets with large noses who suffered from delusional vanity.
Ryo said something about botched sex changes and how twirling around doesn’t equal dancing.
The two were quickly separated; Yoko sending Ryo to get some coffee in the downstairs lobby, Kame telling Ueda to go to the bathroom on their floor to cool off. Before leaving, Ueda sent a text message to Ryo, telling him where he was headed and where the other should be.
On his way to the bathroom, Ueda was pulled into a maintenance supply closet. The light was off, but it didn’t matter, since he had been expected this. He knew exactly who it was. Ryo and Ueda both laughed as their lips met again and again, hands lifting clothes and caressing the warm skin underneath as if they hadn’t touched each other as early as that same morning.
They knocked things around in their lust-induced state, kicking empty buckets to the side as they giggled mischievously into each other's mouths, the excitement of the situation making them feel like careless teenagers without any worries. They weren’t two responsible adults who detested one another, not at that moment at least.
At that moment they were simply themselves. Lovers, secret lovers, and that only made it more exciting, right?
Playful groping had only lasted so long before animal instinct had taken over. Ryo had kissed Ueda hard, his tongue pushing into his mouth aggressively, taking everything that was offered and more. Ueda had whimpered, moaned, begged to be touched, his words being spoken through his eager way of sucking Ryo’s tongue into his mouth, the way he held onto and pulled that black hair without letting go, and the way he desperately pushed his own body against Ryo’s.
It hadn’t taken long for Ueda to stick his hand down the other’s pants, relishing in the satisfied moan he was rewarded with. When Ryo began to thrust against his hand in earnest, he had taken away the pressure, ignoring the protesting whine and lowering himself to his knees wordlessly. Ryo had understood once he felt the fingers on his belt buckle, and had already put both hands on back of Ueda’s head before his cock was even out of his pants yet.
Ueda wasted no time, grabbing the semi-hard erection and deep throating it right from the start, the head of Ryo’s cock hitting the back of his throat, making soft humming noises as he bobbed his head back and forth. Ryo’s hands curled into Ueda’s hair, and he had to bite his lip to keep from moaning loudly.
Cursing himself for not thinking of it earlier, Ryo finally turned on the light in the closet, squinting as he adjusted to the sudden light. He almost lost it when he looked down at the space in front of him. Ueda was on his knees, his own cock having been released at some point, furiously pumping himself as he took Ryo in all the way until the tip of his nose was buried in coarse black hair. When he pulled back, his cheeks hollowed out as he looked up at Ryo, his eyes lidded and hazy, rolling back in his head now and then as the two tried to maintain eye contact.
The room became almost unbearably hot and Ryo’s breath came in short pants as the walls closed in on him. Ryo threw his head back and licked his lips as he grabbed Ueda's bobbing head, earnestly fucking the hot mouth with sharp thrusts, not meeting any resistance whatsoever.
When Ryo finally came, it was into Ueda’s mouth, as they’d agreed on to minimize the mess. He swallowed and sucked the sensitive head a few more times for good measure. Ryo put himself back in and zipped his pants. Without a word, he grabbed Ueda’s hand and lifted him to his feet before going down on his own knees, taking him into his mouth and finishing him off, also swallowing. Their lips met one last, desperate time, both of them tasting themselves and each other on their tongues.
It was a rush.
*
The good point of their relationship was the time that Ryo and Ueda spent together, when nobody else was around.
“Your turtle is a bit smaller than mine.”
“The hell it is, they’re the same size.” Ryo argued.
“No, look.” Ueda pointed at the two turtles that were swimming happily in the huge, colorful aquarium the two had bought for Ueda’s living room. Both of the turtles were pretty small, and hadn’t even been named yet, having just been bought at the pet store earlier that day. “Kame-chan’s neck is a bit longer than yours, see?”
Ryo turned away from the turtles to glare at Ueda, who was still looking at the tank, his fingers drawing random patterns on the glass.
“What in the hell did you just call our turtle?”
“His name is Kame-chan.” Ueda explained without taking his eyes off said turtle. “I named him, and you can name yours Leah for all I care, because I’m not changing it now so deal with it.”
Ryo surveyed him testily. “What if I already named them?” he lied.
Ueda finally met his gaze, only to stare incredulously at him. “What - are you saying you actually gave them names?” He almost laughed.
“Okay then, what are they?”
Ryo stayed quiet for a moment. “To hell with that, I’m not telling you.”
Ueda stared blankly at him.
“I can’t believe it.” He smiled and shook his head.
“What?” Ryo asked, impatiently and a bit curious as to what was so amusing.
“You don’t care what they’re named, as long as you choose the names yourself, right? I want to name one after one of my friends and it’s impossible, because you, what, won’t allow it?” Ueda laughed, bending back down to look at the turtles. “You’re such an ass.”
“That’s not it’s. I.” Ryo huffed in frustration and turned, facing away from Ueda. “Kame is someone we know right? Can’t we just. I don’t know.” He was having a hard time finding words that didn’t sound sentimental. “Give them new names? Names that we think of, you know?”
Neither of them spoke for a few moments, and then Ueda’s laughter filled the room. Ryo looked at him strangely, wondering if he was laughing at him.
“You’re - you’re -” He could barely speak between the laughs, half of his body bent over as he looked up at Ryo, eyes sparkling in amusement and something else. “You want to…come up with names ourselves?”
Ryo gave him a dirty look, crossing his arms. “I don’t see what’s so goddamn funny.”
“No,” Ueda tried to recover, wiping tears from his eyes and trying to stifle a few last laughs that spilled out, much to Ryo’s irritation. “I’m sorry, no. That’s not it. I wasn’t laughing at you or anything. I just thought it was cute.”
That only made things worse.
“Cute? Did you. Did you just call me cute?”
Ueda laughed again, loud and real. “It’s true. You actually want to give them names. It’s adorable.”
“Screw you. I’m going home.” Ryo felt like he was being made fun of and it pissed him off. He wished he’d just let Ueda name the damn turtle and be done with it, but no, he had to open his mouth.
It had been happening more often lately, his defenses lowering time and time again whenever they were alone like this. He found himself saying what he felt, or at least, some twisted version of it. Still, the meaning was there. And Ueda was only getting better at reading him as time went on.
He had made it past the other, whose look of shock he ignored, and almost had his hand on the door before arms wrapped around his shoulders from behind. Neither of them said anything for a few moments.
“Don’t go, Ryo.” Ueda’s grip tightened. “I’m sorry I laughed, it was stupid. Just. Don’t go.”
Ryo stood for a while, unmoving, even as he felt Ueda shift uncomfortably, obviously not sure what to do or say next. It wasn’t often that they were so serious with one another, and Ryo couldn’t help but feel as if neither of them really knew how to continue from there.
So he took the initiative and reached up, grabbing Ueda’s arms and gently pulling them down, feeling a bit of resistance, but squeezing his forearms reassuringly.
“I have an idea,” He turned around and looked down at Ueda, who looked up at him seriously. “I’ll name one after you and you’ll name one after me. Alright?”
Ueda thought about it for a moment before smiling brightly. “Okay.”
Only four and a half minutes later, Ryo broke the pensive silence with a triumphant “I named mine.” as the two stood in front of the tank once again.
“So fast?”
“Of course.”
“Well?”
“His name is Fishlips.”
“Original.” Ueda rolled his eyes.
“So what are you naming yours?”
Ueda thought about it, face scrunched up cutely in concentration as he watched the turtle. He looked at Ryo, then at the turtle, then back at Ryo.
“Midge-face McGee.”
“Are you.” Ryo paused. “What?”
“Midget-face McGee.”
A somewhat comfortable silence came over them and Ryo contemplated the name as he watched the turtles slowly move through the water. He wanted to be annoyed or even the slightest bit pissed off, but neither of those emotions came. Instead, he nudged Ueda in the ribs, only a little rough.
Ueda nudged back.
*
The hard point of their relationship was keeping up the façade and not letting it affect them.
Ryo and Ueda hated each other in front of everyone, which led to mind-blowing encounters in random places throughout the day. It worked for them, and at first it was fun. Their romps extended from their houses and their workplace, to back seats, their friends’ closets, and even public bathroom stalls when they all went out together as a group. The rush they got from nobody else knowing about them - still all under the false illusion that the two hated each other, even as they did unmentionable things mere feet away from them - was intense.
It was amazing.
It didn’t last.
Ryo didn’t know when it started; all he knew is that one day he got sick of not being able to touch Ueda whenever he wanted to. Not that he would, it was just not being able to that bothered him. He wasn’t stupid. Still, seeing other guys touch him only made matters worse. On the outside he was uncaring, still as rude as ever whenever he and Ueda saw each other.
Inside was a different story.
Ryo hated it. The game was old, and he found himself wanting all of Ueda, not just in private but at all times. The princess was his. The fact that people didn't know that began to eat away at Ryo until even the most insignificant things became monumental in his eyes as he watched Ueda from afar. A touch on the hand, a smile from a stylist, a compliment from a friend; all of it piled up on top of the weak foundation of their relationship, which was still growing.
It had somehow become Ryo’s burden.
He didn’t mention his worries to Ueda, he couldn’t mention them, and so he instead pretended all was well. Ryo didn’t want to sound like a jealous asshole, even if that’s what he was. So he tried to monopolize more of Ueda’s time, tried to take him away from the others as often as possible without being obvious, and hoped that something - anything, even his own stubbornness - would give.
It didn’t.
Things only got darker.
*
The breaking point of their relationship finally took place around four months after it began.
It was at a New Years party at Jin’s house. Ryo and Ueda had made sure to arrive separately, as always. Ryo had gotten caught in traffic on the way there and didn’t get to the house until nearly an hour after Ueda had arrived.
He walked into the living room, navigating himself through a maze of people - some dancing, others just standing and chatting - covering one ear as he walked past the huge speakers that were blasting American hip hop music, trying not to make the fact that he was looking for Ueda too obvious. It wasn’t hard, since everyone seemed too absorbed in themselves or the person they were with to pay too close
attention to anyone else.
Ryo didn’t have to look for Ueda too long. He found him with a short, pretty girl in a corner, dancing - no, thrusting against one another in tune with the music. He watched as Ueda’s hand gripped her waist, watched as the woman combed a small feminine hand through his hair, seethed as the two continued to move, completely ignorant to his presence.
It was disgusting.
When Ryo stepped forward and grabbed Ueda from the woman, forcefully yanking the two apart, he offered no excuses or apologies, only a scathing look from behind his back as he pulled Ueda by his arm.
Nobody had seen Ryo’s actions, just as nobody had seen him take an angry-looking Ueda outside into the cold through the back door. They were lucky. When the door had shut closed behind them, Ryo wasted no time making space between himself and Ueda, swiftly walking down the three steps and into the small back yard. There were no clouds, but the air was painfully cold, biting into his arms even as he crossed them over his chest in hopes of warming up. He turned around, shivering already, facing Ueda, who was glaring at him questioningly.
“What the hell was that about?” Ueda asked, his voice sharp. Ryo wondered where he got the balls to ask such a question, considering the situation he was just in.
“Shouldn’t I be asking that question?” He shot back, his mind reeling. “I come late to the party, only to find you rubbing against some random girl, and I’m supposed to what, be okay with it? Fuck that.”
“My god, I was dancing, Ryo.” Ueda threw his hands up in the air. “Dancing, that’s it, so can you please relax?”
“You call that dancing?” He scoffed. “It looked more like foreplay from where I was standing.”
Ueda’s eyes narrowed. “Listen, Ryo,” he said, slowly, as if explaining it to someone very slow. “This was your idea, wasn’t it? We need to act like we’re interested in other people, or else-”
“Don’t talk to me like I’m a child, Princess. I understand the situation.”
“Then what’s your problem?”
Ryo stared at him hard. “I’m sick of it.”
“Of what?” He shook his head, as if at a loss. “Sick of what, sick of me? Sick of us? What are you sick of?”
“I’m sick of this!” Ryo threw his hands out into the air, gesturing at nothing but everything at the same time. He still sounded angry while Ueda sounded disturbingly calm. He should have noticed, should have asked him how much he’d had to drink, but didn’t think about it.
“I’m sick of watching you, seeing you with - it’s old. I’m done.”
Ueda didn’t look satisfied with the answer. He looked irritated and more confused than anything else. “That’s it?”
“What else did you want from me?”
“I don’t know,” Ueda laughed humorlessly. “Maybe an actual answer?”
“I don’t know what you mean.” It was an outright lie. Ryo knew what Ueda meant, knew that there was so much he wasn’t saying, not because he didn’t want to, but because the words simply wouldn’t form. They never formed, not the way he wanted them to.
“Yes, you do. You may be emotionally crippled but you’re not an idiot. What’s really bothering you?”
Ryo wanted the game to end; he was tired of pretending to hate Ueda, and wanted their friends to know where they stood no matter what the consequences. Ueda had quickly become one of the most important things in his life, and keeping it a secret was exhausting. Of course, he didn't end up saying any of those things.
“I guess I’m just bored,” The words left his mouth unchecked and Ryo would have taken them back if he weren’t so proud and hard-headed. “It got old. It’s stupid, and I’m done.” He took a deep breath, slowly brought his arms back to his chest and crossed them again, not breaking eye contact.
“You’re done.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement.
“I’m done.”
Ueda scoffed, shaking his head at Ryo. “What is this really about?”
Ryo didn’t answer.
“I mean,” Ueda began to walk down towards him, his steps quickening and voice rising the closer he got. “In order to be together you say we need to keep it a secret, and I got that. Then you say hey, let's pretend we hate each other, and I got that too. So I play along, only for you to get bored and what - throw me aside?” He sounded genuinely angry now. “It’s bullshit, Ryo. I know you, and its bullshit.”
Ueda stopped about a foot in front of him, and they stood face to face in the cold
“You don’t know me at all, Princess. You barely even know how to get me off, so acting like you know me, and on a personal level too, is a bit much.”
Ueda’s eyes narrowed. He looked angrier than hurt, but the hurt was still there.
Ryo continued, unable to stop even if he was already mentally strangling himself. “I liked this because it was exciting and different - what about you?” He paused for effect, leaning in towards Ueda’s face and sneering. “I bet you liked being able to do whatever you wanted with other people and write it off as ‘playing along’. It helped your conscience didn’t it?”
He looked confused.
“How many others were there, hmm? How many people did you-” Ryo touched Ueda’s face and he flinched, jerking his head away from the touch. “-‘play along’ with?”
“The fuck are you talking about?” Ueda’s voice was low, dangerous, and as much as Ryo wanted to stop before any more damage was done, he couldn’t.
“I’m talking about you, and the fact that you’re a disgusting little slut who doesn’t know how to keep his dick in his pants.”
One second Ryo was talking, saying things he didn’t mean, things that made his stomach twist; the next, he was flying backwards onto the cold, wet grass. He lay there with his ears ringing and the left side of his face feeling like it was completely broken. He tried to get up but fell back down, groaning. He panted weakly into the night, only seeing a blurry dark sky above him, and white puffs of air.
Ryo lay there alone, cursing at the pain, at everything. He heard Ueda walk back up the three stairs, and stop there before opening the door. He didn’t know what would happen next, and couldn’t even figure out why he’d been punched in the first place, since all he’d said was the truth.
As he laid there, the moisture from the grass penetrating his thin shirt and making him even colder than before, he wondered if Ueda would curse at him. Maybe he’d declare his hatred once again, this time for real, since there wasn’t an audience. Maybe he was going to punch Ryo a few times, add in some kicks for good measure this time. He would deserve all of it.
In the end, none of those things happened.
“There was never anyone else.” Ueda simply said, almost quiet enough not to be heard, but just loud enough to carry over the music. He walked into the house and closed the door behind himself.
Ryo’s eyes closed.
“Fuck.”
*
The wetness on the back of Ryo’s shirt is starting to bother him. Finally tired of thinking, he sits up, intent on going inside the house and finding Ueda before the night is over. His face still hurts quite a bit, and his head is killing him, but he doesn’t plan on letting it get in his way.
They need to talk.
He just hopes Ueda is still in there somewhere.
When Ryo first steps back into the house, he’s tempted to just stand there for a moment and soak up the warmth. A few people look at him strangely as he leans against the door and sighs deeply. He guesses it has something to do with his face - which must be swollen by now - so he ignores them and makes his way through the kitchen and back into the living room.
Jin stops him just as he enters with a hand on his shoulder.
“Hey.” The hand drops and he winces, stepping closer and hissing as he takes a good look at Ryo’s face.
He stares at him. “Hey. Look, have you seen Ueda?”
“He told me you guys had another fight. I didn’t know he meant it got physical, though. Are you all right? Should I get ice? Hey Pi,” Jin yells over his shoulder, and Yamapi walks over, grimacing when he sees Ryo’s face. “Could you get me that ice pack from before?”
“I’m fine.” Ryo waves a dismissive hand but Yamapi walks over the freezer anyways. “Look, I need to talk to him, so if you could just tell me where he is-?” He looks around.
“Ueda? Uh. He was somewhere around here.” Jin answers, getting the ice pack from Yamapi and handing it to Ryo, who puts it against his face just to shut Jin up. He leaves it there when the pain finally numbs away. “I think I saw him go upstairs with some girl.”
Ryo’s eyes narrow instinctively before he can stop himself, and he hopes the other didn’t notice. “A girl?”
Jin nods. If he noticed anything he doesn’t mention it.
“Yup, a pretty one, too.”
“Really pretty,” Yamapi interrupts, putting an arm around Jin and laughing. “I saw him down three shots of vodka before he went upstairs with her - he looked fucked up. He tripped like twice; Koki and Ohkura were laughing at him. Assholes.”
“It was funny, though.” Jin points out.
“Yeah, I know. Still. Assholes.”
Ryo knows that he should do or say something, anything, but he can't. He's frozen, a million scenarios playing out in his head, each more sickening than the last.
“Hey, how much you guys wanna bet he throws up on her before they do it? I say we go spy on them.” He leans in to Jin, smiling lecherously.
Jin makes a face and throws Yamapi’s arm off him. “Godamnit, you reek, Pi. How much have you had to drink already?”
“Enough?” He shrugs. “I’m horny.”
Jin ignores him.
“Hey Ryo,” Yamapi turns to Ryo, who is still frozen, staring at an empty space next to Jin’s head. “Don’t you think something is seriously screwed with the universe if someone like Ueda gets laid tonight and we don’t?”
With a jerk, Ryo snaps out of it. He doesn’t waste any time running into the living room, not giving any explanation or looking back once.
If there’s one thing Ryo knows about Ueda, it’s that alcohol is like an aphrodisiac, vodka being the most effective. Their first sexual encounter was thanks in huge part to a bottle of vodka, as it were. It was something he had used to his advantage a few times, but like tonight with that woman, it could be a curse.
Ryo runs through the crowd of people, cursing Jin for inviting everyone and their fucking grandfather’s mother’s plumber, hoping against hope that he stops Ueda from doing something stupid. The music seems to have gotten louder as Ryo tries his hardest to find a way upstairs; it’s as though everyone is jumping in front of him, trying to make him as slow as possible and although he knows it’s a stupid, crazy thought, it still pisses him off to no end.
The ice pack pushes against his face as he squeezes his way onto the staircase, which is far less crowded with only three couples scattered on a few of the stairs. They’re too busy making out to see, and the music is too loud to hear, so Ryo is forced to walk around and over them; he ends up stepping on three hands and some hair in the process. He ignores their complaints and even throws a scathing “get a fucking room if you don’t like it,” over his shoulder at one of the more pissy guys.
He can’t waste time. He’s desperate, looking through each room; not caring who he interrupts, not hiding the panic in his voice as he calls Ueda’s voice, and not caring who hears. There are only two bedrooms in Jin’s house and a bathroom, which makes a total of three doors.
Having already checked both of the bedrooms, Ryo knows that there’s only one place left to look. The ice pack is still in his hand, but not touching his face any more, as both hands are at his sides. He leans against the bathroom door and tries to listen, even though he knows it’s futile since the music from downstairs is just loud enough to make eavesdropping pretty much impossible.
Not sparing another second, Ryo tries the doorknob and inwardly sighs in relief as the door begins to open. He counts to three and throws it open, not caring about it banging against the wall, not thinking about it hitting anyone.
Ryo stares into the bathroom. The ice pack hits the floor.
Ueda is sitting on top of the western-style toilet with the seat down, fully clothed. The woman from before is sitting on top of him and they’re moving together, her skirt hiked up as she straddles him. Their lips aren’t touching but their arms are wrapped around each other, her legs wrapped around his waist desperately as she whimpers at the ceiling. Both are two wrapped up in the sensation, in each other, to notice him.
It makes Ryo sick.
Luckily, it doesn’t last long. It only takes Ryo a few seconds to grab her by her shoulders, lift her off of Ueda and haul her out the bathroom. He ignores her belligerent protests as he shuts the door and locks it, glad that the two were too drunk to have the sense to
lock it the first time.
Nobody says anything; both just sit there quietly as the pounding on the door finally subsides. Ueda looks up at Ryo with an expression of anger and open defiance, and although his eyes are lidded and more than a bit hazy, the message gets across.
You had no right.
Ryo thinks differently.
“You look like shit.” Ueda speaks at length, standing up from the toilet and straightening his clothes out.
“You smell like a bitch.” Ryo counters.
Both of them glare at one another before looking away. It’s a small, simple white bathroom and there isn’t really much to look at. That doesn’t stop them from looking, even if at nothing, it’s not each other, and that’s enough.
“What were you doing?” Ryo finally breaks the silence, not able to stand it for a second longer.
“What did it look like I was doing? Playing cards?”
Ryo doesn’t say anything.
“I was only doing what you said I did, so what’s the big deal? And really, who do you think you are, coming in here and throwing her out like it’s any of your business who I have sex with-”
“It is my business.”
“Like hell.” Ueda sits back down on the toilet and crosses his legs. “It was your business, but you’re done right? I’m an unworthy slut and you’re finished with me.” Ryo flinches at the harsh words and the poorly disguised pain in Ueda’s voice as he says them. “So tell me, why are you here?”
Ryo doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t trust himself enough to speak, since his mouth is what got him here in the first place. So he doesn’t say a word. Instead, he decides to let his actions speak for him.
It always worked in the past.
Ryo advances on Ueda in seconds, and there is no time to move away as he’s dragged up to a standing position and thrown against the wall across from the toilet with enough force to bruise. Their faces are inches apart, and while Ueda looks shocked from the sudden aggressiveness from Ryo, he doesn’t push him away.
Their bodies are pushed together now, Ryo with one leg pushed between both of Ueda’s to keep him in place, his torso pinning him to the wall as both of his elbows rest against the wall. Ueda’s hands are at his sides, palms flat against the wall. He looks like he doesn’t want to touch Ryo, doesn’t want anything to do with him, but when the tiniest hint of lust flashes through his eyes beneath the glare, Ryo knows he’s already won.
“Get off me.” He growls, unmoving.
“Make me.” Ryo challenges.
Ueda’s eyes narrow and he pushes his body off the wall, arms coming up to push the other away, but failing as Ryo slams him back with his body weight, arms coming up to pin Ueda’s hands to the wall. Their bodies are pressed together hard, and Ryo pushes himself up, the thigh between Ueda’s legs rubbing against his crotch.
Ueda begins to struggle, and Ryo doesn’t see his face because his eyes are closed, but he can hear the angry growl. He pushes faster, harder, because that sound went straight to his cock and he thinks he’s never wanted Ueda more than he does right now.
“Don’t make me fucking hit you again, you asshole.” He threatens, but something about it sounds empty. It’s probably the heavy breathing, Ryo thinks. “Get. Just. Stop.”
“I know you want this,” Ryo releases one of Ueda’s wrists, snakes a hand between them and cups Ueda’s rapidly stiffening cock through his pants, massaging it. “You always want this. A stupid fight doesn’t change anything.”
Ueda doesn’t speak; instead he gasps and bites his lip, looking at Ryo, who is staring at him as his hand works between them. Within seconds, Ueda begins to thrust into his hand and their eyes meet for a moment, but it doesn’t last. Ryo is too tempted by the tongue that is now peeking out between wet lips, and he stares.
The thought of someone else kissing that mouth, tasting that tongue, is enough to set Ryo off. He pushes their mouths together with a punishing force, their teeth clanking loudly and even though it makes the pain in Ryo’s face spike to an almost unbearable level he doesn’t pull away, and the kiss doesn’t get any gentler. The pain only makes him more desperate and he knows there’s something not quite right about that but he doesn’t care.
Their tongues are sliding together; licking, sucking, tasting. Ryo barely registers the flavor of alcohol as he frees Ueda’s other wrist, his own hand coming down to grope Ueda’s ass through his designer jeans. Neither parts for air, their breaths are short and loud through their noses, moans muffled into each others mouths.
Ueda breaks the kiss first, pushing Ryo away and wasting no time explaining before beginning to strip. Ryo watches on in dazed amusement.
“I thought you didn’t want it?” He says, and it’s probably a bad idea to speak at all right now, but Ryo isn’t really thinking.
“Fuck you,” Ueda spits as his shirt is thrown in the general direction of the tub. He kicks his pants off and starts in on Ryo’s clothes. “Are we gonna do this or what?”
“Here?” Ryo hisses as Ueda bites his nipple before throwing his shirt on the floor.
“It wouldn’t be the first time.”
Ryo smirks. He grabs Ueda’s elbow and spins him around, and Ueda has enough sense to push his arms out, bracing himself against the wall as Ryo pushes himself against his back. Soon, his pants are gone too and both are down to their boxers. Their clothes are all over the floor, some of it in the bathtub, and someone knocks on the door but they’re both too wrapped up in each other to notice, or even care.
Ryo’s steps out of his boxers, kicking them away carelessly and pushing his bare cock against the cleft of Ueda’s ass, a thin layer of cloth the only thing between them now. Ueda groans through his teeth and begins to push himself against Ryo’s hardness, his back arching desperately like a cat in heat, fingers turning white against the wall.
“So fucking hot,” Ryo growls, grabbing Ueda’s ass with both hands as it pushed up against him. “This is mine. All of it’s mine.”
Ignoring Ueda’s protest, he lowers himself to his knees and pulls his boxers down with a sharp yank, smirking when he hears Ueda’s yelp as the elastic pulls at his erection. He throws them aside and parts Ueda’s cheeks, his tongue going forward and lapping at the tight hole. The tile feels cold against his knees, the sensation in sharp contrast to his burning skin.
Ryo absentmindedly begins to pull at his own cock as Ueda shudders violently above him, his hands grabbing helplessly at the wall as Ryo darts his tongue in and out, practically fucking his ass with his tongue.
“Ah, Ryo,” Ueda moans, his chest against the wall, arms having already given way. His back is arched even more so than before, and it doesn’t take him long to begin shoving himself back onto Ryo’s face. “Holy shit…yessss. Ah, ah. So. Fucking. good.” Each word is punctuated with sharp downward movements.
Ryo pushes two fingers into Ueda’s hole and stretches him for a few moments, not wanting to make it too comfortable for Ueda. There was a reason he decided not to use lube; he wants it to hurt, he wants the pain and pleasure to penetrate so deeply that there will be no doubt of who he belongs to.
He wants Ueda to be hooked the same way he is.
Ryo stands, and without a word of warning guides his cock to Ueda’s entrance, quickly and roughly pushing past the wet, but still painfully tight hole and not stopping until he’s balls deep. Ueda’s mouth opens wide in a silent scream, his fist banging against the wall as he tries to keep himself from yelling out. Ryo offers no comfort, instead throwing his head back and groaning, not caring who hears, part of him wanting people to hear. Right now, in his current state, he can think of no better way to publicly claim Ueda than to have people witness the sound of their fucking. The mere thought of it robs him of the little control he has left.
He wants Ueda to scream.
Ryo doesn’t waste any time pulling out, only to push back in with even more force than before, the sound of their sweat slicked skin slapping together reverberating against the walls of the small bathroom, heightening Ryo’s arousal to a fever pitch. He sees one of Ueda’s hands trail down the wall, and stops it before it can get any lower. With a loud groan, Ryo thrusts into him hard enough so that Ueda’s cock is trapped against the cold bathroom wall. He throws his upper body back into Ryo’s chest with a guttural moan and hangs his arms limply at his sides, his mouth wide open, eyes glazed over and half lidded as Ryo mercilessly fucks him into the wall.
Ueda finally screams as Ryo thrusts into him at another angle, reaching up and behind his back to desperately grab Ryo’s shoulders before digging his nails into his skin as they move against each other.
“Right there,” he brings a hand down to Ryo’s ass, grabbing and pulling in time with his thrusts. Ueda turns his head to the side to throw Ryo a lustful, wanton look and he looks straight into his eyes as he shamelessly begs for it faster, harder, and for it to never stop because it feels that good.
That does it.
Ryo grabs Ueda’s hips with both of his hands and pulls him away from the wall, taking a few steps to the right and wordlessly bending him over the tub before entering him again with sharp, frantic motions. One of Ueda’s hands catches his head before it hits the floor of the tub and the other reaches up to brace himself against the opposite wall, using the leverage to push his body back onto Ryo’s cock.
Their moans become one as their bodies rock together faster and faster, and when Ryo finally reaches down to grab Ueda and pulls, it only takes three hard tugs for him to scream Ryo’s name and shoot his cum across the outside of Jin’s clean white tub.
Ueda is still shaking with the aftershocks of his orgasm as Ryo thrusts into him a few last times wildly, almost violently, before emptying himself deep into Ueda’s ass and letting out a wordless yell of his own. His hips jerk involuntarily as he comes down from his high, and Ueda lets out sexy, irresistible little whimpers each time that shoot straight to Ryo’s spent cock.
They stay like that for a moment, until Ryo pulls out as gently as possible, wincing as Ueda’s muscles contract around him. He leans back slowly, taking Ueda with him and turning him around so that they’re facing each other. Ueda looks spent; his face is flushed, his eyes are bright, and as he looks at him, Ryo wonders if he’s always been this beautiful.
He touches the side of Ueda’s face with one hand, the other resting on his hip and pulls him forward. It’s awkward and unsure, but luckily, Ueda gets the picture. He only eyes Ryo strangely for a moment, lips curling up into the barest hint of a smile as he shortens the space between them.
“What are you smiling at?” Ryo asks lazily, no real venom to the words. He’s sitting crossed legged now, both of his hands now resting gently on Ueda’s hips.
“Nothing,” Ueda continues to scoot forward on his knees and straddles Ryo, his arms coming up to wrap around his shoulders. “This is just the first time you’ve ever initiated cuddling.”
Ryo laughs. “I didn’t initiate shit,” the cutting words are at odds with his soft tone and the fact that he’s gently running his fingers through Ueda’s hair as he speaks. “It’s not my fault I’m irresistible.”
“You’re not irresistible,” Ueda argues, his hand caressing the scratches he made earlier on Ryo’s back. “The fact that I was drunk the first time we had sex says a lot, I think.”
“Screw you.”
“Again?”
Ryo pulls back and makes a face. “That was lame, Princess.”
“Yeah,” He agrees, chuckling softly.
A comfortable silence settles between them as they sit in the middle of Jin’s bathroom, the music from downstairs is considerably fainter than before, but can still be heard, if only just barely. Ryo lowers his head and tucks it under Ueda’s chin as he closes his eyes, allowing himself to be mellowed out by the calm, rhythmic breathing of the other.
“I wasn’t going to have sex with her.”
Ryo stills, and as much as he wants to lift his head and see what kind of expression Ueda is making, and as badly as he wants to look into his eyes, he doesn’t. He can’t. Ueda seems to understand this, so he continues.
“I was angry at you, sure. And I wanted to get back at you but I wouldn’t have gone all the way." Ueda swears, his voice earnest and gentle. "You have to know that I love you too much to ever do something like that.”
Ryo squeezes Ueda’s waist, and hopes the message that he can’t put into words gets across.
I’m sorry. I love you. I’m an idiot. You’re too good for me. I don’t deserve to be forgiven.
God, I love you.
“Yeah, Ryo,” Ueda hugs his head against his chest. “I know.”
And he does. Ryo knows that Ueda understands, somehow.
They sit there in Jin's bathroom, both naked and more vulnerable than they'e ever been as they hold each other close, and for a moment, everything becomes clear. Ryo lifts his head and kisses Ueda once, twice, and when Ueda smiles brightly - his smile - he thinks to himself that this is enough. Nobody else needs to know. As long as they know, as long as he knows that Ueda loves him and Ueda knows that he loves him back, it's enough.
It's all they need.
Secret or not.
END.
Pairing/Group: RyoDa
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 9138
Disclaimer: I'm not associated with these boys, and I'm not making money off this. It's just fiction.
Note: Special thanks to
jackoweskla for beta-ing this monster! ♥
For: I wrote this for
partypaprika for the
je_holiday challenge. It's the longest fic I've ever written, and completely killed me. But she actually liked it, so it was totally worth it. :D
Summary: Their relationship is full of different points, some good and some bad, all completely secret.
Ryo stares up at the stars, breathing deeply as the pain in his face slowly, barely begins to subside.
He thinks of many things as the lonely minutes pass, hearing the songs change from inside the house but not listening to the music, the rhythm lost on him as his mind is elsewhere.
The grass prickles at his neck relentlessly, but Ryo doesn’t move, he can barely find the energy to blink. The cold is biting into his skin, the wet grass not helping matters any. But right now, none of this is really bothering Ryo.
He lies there, and thinks about Ueda.
Their relationship had been born on a drunken night, but hadn’t really started until the day after. It had started out as a game, a game that he had suggested, but had grown until it swallowed them both.
It slowly killed Ryo, and as far as he’s concerned, it killed their relationship as well.
The song inside changes to a sad one.
Ryo isn’t listening.
*
The starting point of their relationship was in an elevator on a Tuesday afternoon.
Ryo had been going down the lobby of the JE building for a lunch break between dance rehearsals, and Ueda was headed to the 3rd floor to pick up filming schedules for KAT-TUN’s TV show.
It was originally just Ryo and Kawai in the elevator, but Ueda stepped in on the 26th floor. He was wearing a huge scarf, looking more tired than he should be at 11:40 am. Still, he was smiling and bowing at Kawai, greeting the man, and glancing uncomfortably at Ryo. Ueda stepped forward to press the number 3, before moving to stand next to Ryo. There was more than enough room for him to stand anywhere else he wanted to in the elevator.
They never stood next to each other. After a moment of shocked confusion, Ryo stepped back once, leaning against the elevator wall and crossing his arms. He stared at the back of Ueda’s head, wondering what would happen next.
Either he didn’t notice the step back, or he just pretended not to. Ryo didn’t want to know which it was, and he kind of wished he couldn’t care; somehow, both possibilities were a bit sad.
He looked away and stared straight ahead, trying his hardest to ignore Ueda’s presence and wondering if he actually expected something from him. Ryo had nothing to feel bad about - they both understood that things like this needed to be kept secret, didn’t they? The tiny elevator seemed to get smaller as thoughts bombarded Ryo one after another, each more troubling than the one before. What if Ueda didn’t understand? It wasn’t exactly a point of discussion last night, and when Ryo had woken up, the other was already gone.
It was impossible to know for sure; they hadn’t spoken once since falling asleep together on top of Ryo’s black sheets. Sure, it wasn’t the kind of shit you see in movies, like it mattered. Ryo didn’t care that it wasn’t magical, because it was them, and it was great.
There had been a mutual attraction that had taken weeks for the two to finally address. Finally, Ueda had shown up at Ryo’s door with a half-emptied bottle of vodka and a tiny smile playing about his lips.
They had sex that night, and again the next morning. It was rough, unforgiving and full of pent up sexual frustration and the kind of reckless abandon that only alcohol could produce.
And here they were, hours after their second sex romp, in an elevator with Kawai looking at each of them in turn.
“Man, I heard the rivalry between the two of you was scripted.” Kawai was facing ahead by the time he spoke.
“What was that?” Ueda asked kindly, leaning forward in an attempt to catch the taller man’s eyes.
Kawai shrugged, meeting his gaze. “No, it’s just that I can feel the tension, you know? Like, there’s a lot of energy and stuff. It’s kind of suffocating.” He laughed uneasily. “I’m sensing some unresolved tension of some sort.”
“What can I say?” Ryo crossed his arms, sounding beyond annoyed. “I’ve always had a low tolerance for ugly people, and the princess looks particularly horrid today. Just being this close is enough to make me a bit sick.”
“Ah.” Kawai winced, looking at Ueda expectantly, as if waiting for him to shoot some scathing remark at Ryo.
Nothing was said. Ryo stared at Ueda’s back. He wished he had said something, anything. Now he felt awkward, and Ryo hated feeling awkward.
Kawai looked at the two strangely before facing forward again. He didn’t speak until the elevator stopped at his floor, and it was only to say bye to the two of them. He gave Ueda one last curious look before turning and walking away, the doors closing behind him.
No more than two seconds after the elevator began its decent again, Ueda sprang forward and hit the emergency stop button. Before Ryo could ask him if he’d lost his mind, he was pushed against the wall roughly by Ueda, who said nothing; his actions and the genuinely pissed off look on his face speaking enough. They stood an arms length apart, but it somehow seemed like so much less; especially with Ueda’s threatening glare and the fact that it was an elevator and no quick escape could be made.
Ueda spoke first, his voice firm. “What am I to you?”
Ryo blinked. Twice. “What. What the fuck, are you high-?”
“Answer the question.”
He snorted. “No.”
Ryo didn’t take orders from anyone, especially someone like Ueda. Besides, it wasn’t as if he could answer a loaded question like that. He’d never been good with feelings, or talking about them. “Why don’t you tell me why you stopped the elevator and shoved me against a wall, and then we’ll talk.”
“Saying those things,” Ueda looked down at his shoes as he spoke. “I know we’re not in love or anything, but I thought we could at the very least be civil. Even if it was just sex to you.”
Ryo didn’t want to discuss this; he didn’t even think he could. He wanted to tell Ueda that somehow - to his own shock - it was more than just sex, and that he actually did like him. It wasn’t love, but it was a start. Ryo wanted to tell Ueda that he didn’t really look that bad right now, and that he was just saying those things so as not to arouse suspicion. More than anything, Ryo wanted to touch Ueda, especially when he was looking so small and insecure.
Ryo did none of those things.
Instead, he rolled his eyes and scoffed. “Could you please not be such a woman about this? We had fun last night, didn’t we?” His tone softened. “We can have more fun, if you just keep quiet and pretend like nothing’s changed. It’s not that difficult.”
“You still haven’t answered my question.”
Ryo wished he’d drop it. “Does it matter?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“It just does.” Ueda shook his head. “I just want to know. Are we friends, lovers, something in between? What is this?”
Ryo pushed his hair back and sighed, looking up at the dim elevator ceiling lights and choosing his words as carefully as possible. He looked back at Ueda, who was staring at him expectantly with poorly masked apprehension. Ryo couldn’t help but feel a twinge.
“This…it’s a secret. Obviously.” He added, just to be an ass.
Ueda’s eyebrows creased as he frowned, “A secret,” He repeated. “A secret from who, colleagues like Kawai, or everyone, including our friends?”
Ryo had hoped that the he wouldn’t need convincing, and that they could just go on hating each other in public and keep whatever it was between them behind closed doors. Ueda didn’t seem to understand that if their closest friends knew, everything would change.
Expectations would be put on them to act a certain way, people would look at them differently, and worst of all, someone could slip up and it could get to Johnny. If that happened… no, it just couldn’t.
“Well, it’s more exciting if it’s a secret.” Ryo smirked as he stepped forward, ignoring the confusion on Ueda’s face as he slowly trailed a hand down his chest and to his stomach. “Right?”
Ryo grabbed his elbow and reversed their positions of a few minutes ago, roughly pushing Ueda into the elevator wall, their bodies finally touching again. Hot breath mingled between the two, lips achingly close but not touching. Ryo could see, almost feel Ueda gulp, and as he looked at his face, eyelashes fluttering closed and a pink tongue peeking out to lick dry lips almost close enough to touch his own mouth, something occurred to him.
This was all he wanted.
It was insane. It was stupid. It was dangerous.
Ryo knew it would be easier to let go, to tell Ueda that it was a one-time thing and to forget about it. Things could go back to how they were before, and having gotten the sex out of their system, some of the tension would be gone.
In the end, all of it was easier said than done.
Because when it came to Ueda, he was already hooked, and too far gone to care.
“Exciting, huh?” Ueda finally responded with slow, teasing hands. Within moments his touches became confident and sure. Both of them hissed as the electricity in the small space tripled as they began to touch one another, grabbing at skin as if it would disappear any moment. Ryo’s hand came up to caress Ueda’s back through the thin black and white shirt he wore. It was one of those wide collared shirts, the kind that made Ryo want to bite down on that freckled collarbone, hard. “Like a game?”
“Mmm.” Ryo agreed, eyes closed, mouth open in a soft smile. Ryo kept catching flashes of tongue, and it was driving him insane.
Ryo smirked, biting his lower lip and grabbing Ueda’s ass with both hands, lifting him and pushing him against the wall again. Ueda hit the wall with a thump; a small, excited groan the only noise he made upon impact. He grabbed a fistful of Ryo’s hair, boldly biting his ear as he wrapped both legs around him and bucked forward, desperately.
Ueda moaned appreciatively as Ryo violently pushed him into the elevator wall again and again, the hardness in both of their pants creating a delicious friction. Ueda wrapped his arms around Ryo’s shoulders and lowered his head, their open mouths bumping together, tongues entwining as they met.
It wasn’t kissing, and it wasn’t an embrace. It was raw, needy, and just what they both needed from one another.
The elevator didn’t start up again for another fifteen minutes.
*
The most electrifying point of their relationship took place after their mock fights.
Things progressed from that fateful encounter in the elevator that day, when they decided to play around with everyone and pretend that their hatred was real. It became the ultimate turn-on for them, having this secret under everyone else’s noses. The higher the possibility of being caught, the more intense their sessions became.
One of their most memorable trysts had been when KAT-TUN and Kanjani8 had gotten scheduled for photo shoots on the same day in the same building. Everyone had been getting along well enough, with Ueda and Ryo keeping their distance as they sat on opposite sides of the shared dressing room.
It happened in a matter of seconds. One moment the two were facing opposite directions, the next they were standing no more than a foot away from each other in the middle of the room, looking about ready to tear one another apart.
Ueda said something about ugly midgets with large noses who suffered from delusional vanity.
Ryo said something about botched sex changes and how twirling around doesn’t equal dancing.
The two were quickly separated; Yoko sending Ryo to get some coffee in the downstairs lobby, Kame telling Ueda to go to the bathroom on their floor to cool off. Before leaving, Ueda sent a text message to Ryo, telling him where he was headed and where the other should be.
On his way to the bathroom, Ueda was pulled into a maintenance supply closet. The light was off, but it didn’t matter, since he had been expected this. He knew exactly who it was. Ryo and Ueda both laughed as their lips met again and again, hands lifting clothes and caressing the warm skin underneath as if they hadn’t touched each other as early as that same morning.
They knocked things around in their lust-induced state, kicking empty buckets to the side as they giggled mischievously into each other's mouths, the excitement of the situation making them feel like careless teenagers without any worries. They weren’t two responsible adults who detested one another, not at that moment at least.
At that moment they were simply themselves. Lovers, secret lovers, and that only made it more exciting, right?
Playful groping had only lasted so long before animal instinct had taken over. Ryo had kissed Ueda hard, his tongue pushing into his mouth aggressively, taking everything that was offered and more. Ueda had whimpered, moaned, begged to be touched, his words being spoken through his eager way of sucking Ryo’s tongue into his mouth, the way he held onto and pulled that black hair without letting go, and the way he desperately pushed his own body against Ryo’s.
It hadn’t taken long for Ueda to stick his hand down the other’s pants, relishing in the satisfied moan he was rewarded with. When Ryo began to thrust against his hand in earnest, he had taken away the pressure, ignoring the protesting whine and lowering himself to his knees wordlessly. Ryo had understood once he felt the fingers on his belt buckle, and had already put both hands on back of Ueda’s head before his cock was even out of his pants yet.
Ueda wasted no time, grabbing the semi-hard erection and deep throating it right from the start, the head of Ryo’s cock hitting the back of his throat, making soft humming noises as he bobbed his head back and forth. Ryo’s hands curled into Ueda’s hair, and he had to bite his lip to keep from moaning loudly.
Cursing himself for not thinking of it earlier, Ryo finally turned on the light in the closet, squinting as he adjusted to the sudden light. He almost lost it when he looked down at the space in front of him. Ueda was on his knees, his own cock having been released at some point, furiously pumping himself as he took Ryo in all the way until the tip of his nose was buried in coarse black hair. When he pulled back, his cheeks hollowed out as he looked up at Ryo, his eyes lidded and hazy, rolling back in his head now and then as the two tried to maintain eye contact.
The room became almost unbearably hot and Ryo’s breath came in short pants as the walls closed in on him. Ryo threw his head back and licked his lips as he grabbed Ueda's bobbing head, earnestly fucking the hot mouth with sharp thrusts, not meeting any resistance whatsoever.
When Ryo finally came, it was into Ueda’s mouth, as they’d agreed on to minimize the mess. He swallowed and sucked the sensitive head a few more times for good measure. Ryo put himself back in and zipped his pants. Without a word, he grabbed Ueda’s hand and lifted him to his feet before going down on his own knees, taking him into his mouth and finishing him off, also swallowing. Their lips met one last, desperate time, both of them tasting themselves and each other on their tongues.
It was a rush.
*
The good point of their relationship was the time that Ryo and Ueda spent together, when nobody else was around.
“Your turtle is a bit smaller than mine.”
“The hell it is, they’re the same size.” Ryo argued.
“No, look.” Ueda pointed at the two turtles that were swimming happily in the huge, colorful aquarium the two had bought for Ueda’s living room. Both of the turtles were pretty small, and hadn’t even been named yet, having just been bought at the pet store earlier that day. “Kame-chan’s neck is a bit longer than yours, see?”
Ryo turned away from the turtles to glare at Ueda, who was still looking at the tank, his fingers drawing random patterns on the glass.
“What in the hell did you just call our turtle?”
“His name is Kame-chan.” Ueda explained without taking his eyes off said turtle. “I named him, and you can name yours Leah for all I care, because I’m not changing it now so deal with it.”
Ryo surveyed him testily. “What if I already named them?” he lied.
Ueda finally met his gaze, only to stare incredulously at him. “What - are you saying you actually gave them names?” He almost laughed.
“Okay then, what are they?”
Ryo stayed quiet for a moment. “To hell with that, I’m not telling you.”
Ueda stared blankly at him.
“I can’t believe it.” He smiled and shook his head.
“What?” Ryo asked, impatiently and a bit curious as to what was so amusing.
“You don’t care what they’re named, as long as you choose the names yourself, right? I want to name one after one of my friends and it’s impossible, because you, what, won’t allow it?” Ueda laughed, bending back down to look at the turtles. “You’re such an ass.”
“That’s not it’s. I.” Ryo huffed in frustration and turned, facing away from Ueda. “Kame is someone we know right? Can’t we just. I don’t know.” He was having a hard time finding words that didn’t sound sentimental. “Give them new names? Names that we think of, you know?”
Neither of them spoke for a few moments, and then Ueda’s laughter filled the room. Ryo looked at him strangely, wondering if he was laughing at him.
“You’re - you’re -” He could barely speak between the laughs, half of his body bent over as he looked up at Ryo, eyes sparkling in amusement and something else. “You want to…come up with names ourselves?”
Ryo gave him a dirty look, crossing his arms. “I don’t see what’s so goddamn funny.”
“No,” Ueda tried to recover, wiping tears from his eyes and trying to stifle a few last laughs that spilled out, much to Ryo’s irritation. “I’m sorry, no. That’s not it. I wasn’t laughing at you or anything. I just thought it was cute.”
That only made things worse.
“Cute? Did you. Did you just call me cute?”
Ueda laughed again, loud and real. “It’s true. You actually want to give them names. It’s adorable.”
“Screw you. I’m going home.” Ryo felt like he was being made fun of and it pissed him off. He wished he’d just let Ueda name the damn turtle and be done with it, but no, he had to open his mouth.
It had been happening more often lately, his defenses lowering time and time again whenever they were alone like this. He found himself saying what he felt, or at least, some twisted version of it. Still, the meaning was there. And Ueda was only getting better at reading him as time went on.
He had made it past the other, whose look of shock he ignored, and almost had his hand on the door before arms wrapped around his shoulders from behind. Neither of them said anything for a few moments.
“Don’t go, Ryo.” Ueda’s grip tightened. “I’m sorry I laughed, it was stupid. Just. Don’t go.”
Ryo stood for a while, unmoving, even as he felt Ueda shift uncomfortably, obviously not sure what to do or say next. It wasn’t often that they were so serious with one another, and Ryo couldn’t help but feel as if neither of them really knew how to continue from there.
So he took the initiative and reached up, grabbing Ueda’s arms and gently pulling them down, feeling a bit of resistance, but squeezing his forearms reassuringly.
“I have an idea,” He turned around and looked down at Ueda, who looked up at him seriously. “I’ll name one after you and you’ll name one after me. Alright?”
Ueda thought about it for a moment before smiling brightly. “Okay.”
Only four and a half minutes later, Ryo broke the pensive silence with a triumphant “I named mine.” as the two stood in front of the tank once again.
“So fast?”
“Of course.”
“Well?”
“His name is Fishlips.”
“Original.” Ueda rolled his eyes.
“So what are you naming yours?”
Ueda thought about it, face scrunched up cutely in concentration as he watched the turtle. He looked at Ryo, then at the turtle, then back at Ryo.
“Midge-face McGee.”
“Are you.” Ryo paused. “What?”
“Midget-face McGee.”
A somewhat comfortable silence came over them and Ryo contemplated the name as he watched the turtles slowly move through the water. He wanted to be annoyed or even the slightest bit pissed off, but neither of those emotions came. Instead, he nudged Ueda in the ribs, only a little rough.
Ueda nudged back.
*
The hard point of their relationship was keeping up the façade and not letting it affect them.
Ryo and Ueda hated each other in front of everyone, which led to mind-blowing encounters in random places throughout the day. It worked for them, and at first it was fun. Their romps extended from their houses and their workplace, to back seats, their friends’ closets, and even public bathroom stalls when they all went out together as a group. The rush they got from nobody else knowing about them - still all under the false illusion that the two hated each other, even as they did unmentionable things mere feet away from them - was intense.
It was amazing.
It didn’t last.
Ryo didn’t know when it started; all he knew is that one day he got sick of not being able to touch Ueda whenever he wanted to. Not that he would, it was just not being able to that bothered him. He wasn’t stupid. Still, seeing other guys touch him only made matters worse. On the outside he was uncaring, still as rude as ever whenever he and Ueda saw each other.
Inside was a different story.
Ryo hated it. The game was old, and he found himself wanting all of Ueda, not just in private but at all times. The princess was his. The fact that people didn't know that began to eat away at Ryo until even the most insignificant things became monumental in his eyes as he watched Ueda from afar. A touch on the hand, a smile from a stylist, a compliment from a friend; all of it piled up on top of the weak foundation of their relationship, which was still growing.
It had somehow become Ryo’s burden.
He didn’t mention his worries to Ueda, he couldn’t mention them, and so he instead pretended all was well. Ryo didn’t want to sound like a jealous asshole, even if that’s what he was. So he tried to monopolize more of Ueda’s time, tried to take him away from the others as often as possible without being obvious, and hoped that something - anything, even his own stubbornness - would give.
It didn’t.
Things only got darker.
*
The breaking point of their relationship finally took place around four months after it began.
It was at a New Years party at Jin’s house. Ryo and Ueda had made sure to arrive separately, as always. Ryo had gotten caught in traffic on the way there and didn’t get to the house until nearly an hour after Ueda had arrived.
He walked into the living room, navigating himself through a maze of people - some dancing, others just standing and chatting - covering one ear as he walked past the huge speakers that were blasting American hip hop music, trying not to make the fact that he was looking for Ueda too obvious. It wasn’t hard, since everyone seemed too absorbed in themselves or the person they were with to pay too close
attention to anyone else.
Ryo didn’t have to look for Ueda too long. He found him with a short, pretty girl in a corner, dancing - no, thrusting against one another in tune with the music. He watched as Ueda’s hand gripped her waist, watched as the woman combed a small feminine hand through his hair, seethed as the two continued to move, completely ignorant to his presence.
It was disgusting.
When Ryo stepped forward and grabbed Ueda from the woman, forcefully yanking the two apart, he offered no excuses or apologies, only a scathing look from behind his back as he pulled Ueda by his arm.
Nobody had seen Ryo’s actions, just as nobody had seen him take an angry-looking Ueda outside into the cold through the back door. They were lucky. When the door had shut closed behind them, Ryo wasted no time making space between himself and Ueda, swiftly walking down the three steps and into the small back yard. There were no clouds, but the air was painfully cold, biting into his arms even as he crossed them over his chest in hopes of warming up. He turned around, shivering already, facing Ueda, who was glaring at him questioningly.
“What the hell was that about?” Ueda asked, his voice sharp. Ryo wondered where he got the balls to ask such a question, considering the situation he was just in.
“Shouldn’t I be asking that question?” He shot back, his mind reeling. “I come late to the party, only to find you rubbing against some random girl, and I’m supposed to what, be okay with it? Fuck that.”
“My god, I was dancing, Ryo.” Ueda threw his hands up in the air. “Dancing, that’s it, so can you please relax?”
“You call that dancing?” He scoffed. “It looked more like foreplay from where I was standing.”
Ueda’s eyes narrowed. “Listen, Ryo,” he said, slowly, as if explaining it to someone very slow. “This was your idea, wasn’t it? We need to act like we’re interested in other people, or else-”
“Don’t talk to me like I’m a child, Princess. I understand the situation.”
“Then what’s your problem?”
Ryo stared at him hard. “I’m sick of it.”
“Of what?” He shook his head, as if at a loss. “Sick of what, sick of me? Sick of us? What are you sick of?”
“I’m sick of this!” Ryo threw his hands out into the air, gesturing at nothing but everything at the same time. He still sounded angry while Ueda sounded disturbingly calm. He should have noticed, should have asked him how much he’d had to drink, but didn’t think about it.
“I’m sick of watching you, seeing you with - it’s old. I’m done.”
Ueda didn’t look satisfied with the answer. He looked irritated and more confused than anything else. “That’s it?”
“What else did you want from me?”
“I don’t know,” Ueda laughed humorlessly. “Maybe an actual answer?”
“I don’t know what you mean.” It was an outright lie. Ryo knew what Ueda meant, knew that there was so much he wasn’t saying, not because he didn’t want to, but because the words simply wouldn’t form. They never formed, not the way he wanted them to.
“Yes, you do. You may be emotionally crippled but you’re not an idiot. What’s really bothering you?”
Ryo wanted the game to end; he was tired of pretending to hate Ueda, and wanted their friends to know where they stood no matter what the consequences. Ueda had quickly become one of the most important things in his life, and keeping it a secret was exhausting. Of course, he didn't end up saying any of those things.
“I guess I’m just bored,” The words left his mouth unchecked and Ryo would have taken them back if he weren’t so proud and hard-headed. “It got old. It’s stupid, and I’m done.” He took a deep breath, slowly brought his arms back to his chest and crossed them again, not breaking eye contact.
“You’re done.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement.
“I’m done.”
Ueda scoffed, shaking his head at Ryo. “What is this really about?”
Ryo didn’t answer.
“I mean,” Ueda began to walk down towards him, his steps quickening and voice rising the closer he got. “In order to be together you say we need to keep it a secret, and I got that. Then you say hey, let's pretend we hate each other, and I got that too. So I play along, only for you to get bored and what - throw me aside?” He sounded genuinely angry now. “It’s bullshit, Ryo. I know you, and its bullshit.”
Ueda stopped about a foot in front of him, and they stood face to face in the cold
“You don’t know me at all, Princess. You barely even know how to get me off, so acting like you know me, and on a personal level too, is a bit much.”
Ueda’s eyes narrowed. He looked angrier than hurt, but the hurt was still there.
Ryo continued, unable to stop even if he was already mentally strangling himself. “I liked this because it was exciting and different - what about you?” He paused for effect, leaning in towards Ueda’s face and sneering. “I bet you liked being able to do whatever you wanted with other people and write it off as ‘playing along’. It helped your conscience didn’t it?”
He looked confused.
“How many others were there, hmm? How many people did you-” Ryo touched Ueda’s face and he flinched, jerking his head away from the touch. “-‘play along’ with?”
“The fuck are you talking about?” Ueda’s voice was low, dangerous, and as much as Ryo wanted to stop before any more damage was done, he couldn’t.
“I’m talking about you, and the fact that you’re a disgusting little slut who doesn’t know how to keep his dick in his pants.”
One second Ryo was talking, saying things he didn’t mean, things that made his stomach twist; the next, he was flying backwards onto the cold, wet grass. He lay there with his ears ringing and the left side of his face feeling like it was completely broken. He tried to get up but fell back down, groaning. He panted weakly into the night, only seeing a blurry dark sky above him, and white puffs of air.
Ryo lay there alone, cursing at the pain, at everything. He heard Ueda walk back up the three stairs, and stop there before opening the door. He didn’t know what would happen next, and couldn’t even figure out why he’d been punched in the first place, since all he’d said was the truth.
As he laid there, the moisture from the grass penetrating his thin shirt and making him even colder than before, he wondered if Ueda would curse at him. Maybe he’d declare his hatred once again, this time for real, since there wasn’t an audience. Maybe he was going to punch Ryo a few times, add in some kicks for good measure this time. He would deserve all of it.
In the end, none of those things happened.
“There was never anyone else.” Ueda simply said, almost quiet enough not to be heard, but just loud enough to carry over the music. He walked into the house and closed the door behind himself.
Ryo’s eyes closed.
“Fuck.”
*
The wetness on the back of Ryo’s shirt is starting to bother him. Finally tired of thinking, he sits up, intent on going inside the house and finding Ueda before the night is over. His face still hurts quite a bit, and his head is killing him, but he doesn’t plan on letting it get in his way.
They need to talk.
He just hopes Ueda is still in there somewhere.
When Ryo first steps back into the house, he’s tempted to just stand there for a moment and soak up the warmth. A few people look at him strangely as he leans against the door and sighs deeply. He guesses it has something to do with his face - which must be swollen by now - so he ignores them and makes his way through the kitchen and back into the living room.
Jin stops him just as he enters with a hand on his shoulder.
“Hey.” The hand drops and he winces, stepping closer and hissing as he takes a good look at Ryo’s face.
He stares at him. “Hey. Look, have you seen Ueda?”
“He told me you guys had another fight. I didn’t know he meant it got physical, though. Are you all right? Should I get ice? Hey Pi,” Jin yells over his shoulder, and Yamapi walks over, grimacing when he sees Ryo’s face. “Could you get me that ice pack from before?”
“I’m fine.” Ryo waves a dismissive hand but Yamapi walks over the freezer anyways. “Look, I need to talk to him, so if you could just tell me where he is-?” He looks around.
“Ueda? Uh. He was somewhere around here.” Jin answers, getting the ice pack from Yamapi and handing it to Ryo, who puts it against his face just to shut Jin up. He leaves it there when the pain finally numbs away. “I think I saw him go upstairs with some girl.”
Ryo’s eyes narrow instinctively before he can stop himself, and he hopes the other didn’t notice. “A girl?”
Jin nods. If he noticed anything he doesn’t mention it.
“Yup, a pretty one, too.”
“Really pretty,” Yamapi interrupts, putting an arm around Jin and laughing. “I saw him down three shots of vodka before he went upstairs with her - he looked fucked up. He tripped like twice; Koki and Ohkura were laughing at him. Assholes.”
“It was funny, though.” Jin points out.
“Yeah, I know. Still. Assholes.”
Ryo knows that he should do or say something, anything, but he can't. He's frozen, a million scenarios playing out in his head, each more sickening than the last.
“Hey, how much you guys wanna bet he throws up on her before they do it? I say we go spy on them.” He leans in to Jin, smiling lecherously.
Jin makes a face and throws Yamapi’s arm off him. “Godamnit, you reek, Pi. How much have you had to drink already?”
“Enough?” He shrugs. “I’m horny.”
Jin ignores him.
“Hey Ryo,” Yamapi turns to Ryo, who is still frozen, staring at an empty space next to Jin’s head. “Don’t you think something is seriously screwed with the universe if someone like Ueda gets laid tonight and we don’t?”
With a jerk, Ryo snaps out of it. He doesn’t waste any time running into the living room, not giving any explanation or looking back once.
If there’s one thing Ryo knows about Ueda, it’s that alcohol is like an aphrodisiac, vodka being the most effective. Their first sexual encounter was thanks in huge part to a bottle of vodka, as it were. It was something he had used to his advantage a few times, but like tonight with that woman, it could be a curse.
Ryo runs through the crowd of people, cursing Jin for inviting everyone and their fucking grandfather’s mother’s plumber, hoping against hope that he stops Ueda from doing something stupid. The music seems to have gotten louder as Ryo tries his hardest to find a way upstairs; it’s as though everyone is jumping in front of him, trying to make him as slow as possible and although he knows it’s a stupid, crazy thought, it still pisses him off to no end.
The ice pack pushes against his face as he squeezes his way onto the staircase, which is far less crowded with only three couples scattered on a few of the stairs. They’re too busy making out to see, and the music is too loud to hear, so Ryo is forced to walk around and over them; he ends up stepping on three hands and some hair in the process. He ignores their complaints and even throws a scathing “get a fucking room if you don’t like it,” over his shoulder at one of the more pissy guys.
He can’t waste time. He’s desperate, looking through each room; not caring who he interrupts, not hiding the panic in his voice as he calls Ueda’s voice, and not caring who hears. There are only two bedrooms in Jin’s house and a bathroom, which makes a total of three doors.
Having already checked both of the bedrooms, Ryo knows that there’s only one place left to look. The ice pack is still in his hand, but not touching his face any more, as both hands are at his sides. He leans against the bathroom door and tries to listen, even though he knows it’s futile since the music from downstairs is just loud enough to make eavesdropping pretty much impossible.
Not sparing another second, Ryo tries the doorknob and inwardly sighs in relief as the door begins to open. He counts to three and throws it open, not caring about it banging against the wall, not thinking about it hitting anyone.
Ryo stares into the bathroom. The ice pack hits the floor.
Ueda is sitting on top of the western-style toilet with the seat down, fully clothed. The woman from before is sitting on top of him and they’re moving together, her skirt hiked up as she straddles him. Their lips aren’t touching but their arms are wrapped around each other, her legs wrapped around his waist desperately as she whimpers at the ceiling. Both are two wrapped up in the sensation, in each other, to notice him.
It makes Ryo sick.
Luckily, it doesn’t last long. It only takes Ryo a few seconds to grab her by her shoulders, lift her off of Ueda and haul her out the bathroom. He ignores her belligerent protests as he shuts the door and locks it, glad that the two were too drunk to have the sense to
lock it the first time.
Nobody says anything; both just sit there quietly as the pounding on the door finally subsides. Ueda looks up at Ryo with an expression of anger and open defiance, and although his eyes are lidded and more than a bit hazy, the message gets across.
You had no right.
Ryo thinks differently.
“You look like shit.” Ueda speaks at length, standing up from the toilet and straightening his clothes out.
“You smell like a bitch.” Ryo counters.
Both of them glare at one another before looking away. It’s a small, simple white bathroom and there isn’t really much to look at. That doesn’t stop them from looking, even if at nothing, it’s not each other, and that’s enough.
“What were you doing?” Ryo finally breaks the silence, not able to stand it for a second longer.
“What did it look like I was doing? Playing cards?”
Ryo doesn’t say anything.
“I was only doing what you said I did, so what’s the big deal? And really, who do you think you are, coming in here and throwing her out like it’s any of your business who I have sex with-”
“It is my business.”
“Like hell.” Ueda sits back down on the toilet and crosses his legs. “It was your business, but you’re done right? I’m an unworthy slut and you’re finished with me.” Ryo flinches at the harsh words and the poorly disguised pain in Ueda’s voice as he says them. “So tell me, why are you here?”
Ryo doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t trust himself enough to speak, since his mouth is what got him here in the first place. So he doesn’t say a word. Instead, he decides to let his actions speak for him.
It always worked in the past.
Ryo advances on Ueda in seconds, and there is no time to move away as he’s dragged up to a standing position and thrown against the wall across from the toilet with enough force to bruise. Their faces are inches apart, and while Ueda looks shocked from the sudden aggressiveness from Ryo, he doesn’t push him away.
Their bodies are pushed together now, Ryo with one leg pushed between both of Ueda’s to keep him in place, his torso pinning him to the wall as both of his elbows rest against the wall. Ueda’s hands are at his sides, palms flat against the wall. He looks like he doesn’t want to touch Ryo, doesn’t want anything to do with him, but when the tiniest hint of lust flashes through his eyes beneath the glare, Ryo knows he’s already won.
“Get off me.” He growls, unmoving.
“Make me.” Ryo challenges.
Ueda’s eyes narrow and he pushes his body off the wall, arms coming up to push the other away, but failing as Ryo slams him back with his body weight, arms coming up to pin Ueda’s hands to the wall. Their bodies are pressed together hard, and Ryo pushes himself up, the thigh between Ueda’s legs rubbing against his crotch.
Ueda begins to struggle, and Ryo doesn’t see his face because his eyes are closed, but he can hear the angry growl. He pushes faster, harder, because that sound went straight to his cock and he thinks he’s never wanted Ueda more than he does right now.
“Don’t make me fucking hit you again, you asshole.” He threatens, but something about it sounds empty. It’s probably the heavy breathing, Ryo thinks. “Get. Just. Stop.”
“I know you want this,” Ryo releases one of Ueda’s wrists, snakes a hand between them and cups Ueda’s rapidly stiffening cock through his pants, massaging it. “You always want this. A stupid fight doesn’t change anything.”
Ueda doesn’t speak; instead he gasps and bites his lip, looking at Ryo, who is staring at him as his hand works between them. Within seconds, Ueda begins to thrust into his hand and their eyes meet for a moment, but it doesn’t last. Ryo is too tempted by the tongue that is now peeking out between wet lips, and he stares.
The thought of someone else kissing that mouth, tasting that tongue, is enough to set Ryo off. He pushes their mouths together with a punishing force, their teeth clanking loudly and even though it makes the pain in Ryo’s face spike to an almost unbearable level he doesn’t pull away, and the kiss doesn’t get any gentler. The pain only makes him more desperate and he knows there’s something not quite right about that but he doesn’t care.
Their tongues are sliding together; licking, sucking, tasting. Ryo barely registers the flavor of alcohol as he frees Ueda’s other wrist, his own hand coming down to grope Ueda’s ass through his designer jeans. Neither parts for air, their breaths are short and loud through their noses, moans muffled into each others mouths.
Ueda breaks the kiss first, pushing Ryo away and wasting no time explaining before beginning to strip. Ryo watches on in dazed amusement.
“I thought you didn’t want it?” He says, and it’s probably a bad idea to speak at all right now, but Ryo isn’t really thinking.
“Fuck you,” Ueda spits as his shirt is thrown in the general direction of the tub. He kicks his pants off and starts in on Ryo’s clothes. “Are we gonna do this or what?”
“Here?” Ryo hisses as Ueda bites his nipple before throwing his shirt on the floor.
“It wouldn’t be the first time.”
Ryo smirks. He grabs Ueda’s elbow and spins him around, and Ueda has enough sense to push his arms out, bracing himself against the wall as Ryo pushes himself against his back. Soon, his pants are gone too and both are down to their boxers. Their clothes are all over the floor, some of it in the bathtub, and someone knocks on the door but they’re both too wrapped up in each other to notice, or even care.
Ryo’s steps out of his boxers, kicking them away carelessly and pushing his bare cock against the cleft of Ueda’s ass, a thin layer of cloth the only thing between them now. Ueda groans through his teeth and begins to push himself against Ryo’s hardness, his back arching desperately like a cat in heat, fingers turning white against the wall.
“So fucking hot,” Ryo growls, grabbing Ueda’s ass with both hands as it pushed up against him. “This is mine. All of it’s mine.”
Ignoring Ueda’s protest, he lowers himself to his knees and pulls his boxers down with a sharp yank, smirking when he hears Ueda’s yelp as the elastic pulls at his erection. He throws them aside and parts Ueda’s cheeks, his tongue going forward and lapping at the tight hole. The tile feels cold against his knees, the sensation in sharp contrast to his burning skin.
Ryo absentmindedly begins to pull at his own cock as Ueda shudders violently above him, his hands grabbing helplessly at the wall as Ryo darts his tongue in and out, practically fucking his ass with his tongue.
“Ah, Ryo,” Ueda moans, his chest against the wall, arms having already given way. His back is arched even more so than before, and it doesn’t take him long to begin shoving himself back onto Ryo’s face. “Holy shit…yessss. Ah, ah. So. Fucking. good.” Each word is punctuated with sharp downward movements.
Ryo pushes two fingers into Ueda’s hole and stretches him for a few moments, not wanting to make it too comfortable for Ueda. There was a reason he decided not to use lube; he wants it to hurt, he wants the pain and pleasure to penetrate so deeply that there will be no doubt of who he belongs to.
He wants Ueda to be hooked the same way he is.
Ryo stands, and without a word of warning guides his cock to Ueda’s entrance, quickly and roughly pushing past the wet, but still painfully tight hole and not stopping until he’s balls deep. Ueda’s mouth opens wide in a silent scream, his fist banging against the wall as he tries to keep himself from yelling out. Ryo offers no comfort, instead throwing his head back and groaning, not caring who hears, part of him wanting people to hear. Right now, in his current state, he can think of no better way to publicly claim Ueda than to have people witness the sound of their fucking. The mere thought of it robs him of the little control he has left.
He wants Ueda to scream.
Ryo doesn’t waste any time pulling out, only to push back in with even more force than before, the sound of their sweat slicked skin slapping together reverberating against the walls of the small bathroom, heightening Ryo’s arousal to a fever pitch. He sees one of Ueda’s hands trail down the wall, and stops it before it can get any lower. With a loud groan, Ryo thrusts into him hard enough so that Ueda’s cock is trapped against the cold bathroom wall. He throws his upper body back into Ryo’s chest with a guttural moan and hangs his arms limply at his sides, his mouth wide open, eyes glazed over and half lidded as Ryo mercilessly fucks him into the wall.
Ueda finally screams as Ryo thrusts into him at another angle, reaching up and behind his back to desperately grab Ryo’s shoulders before digging his nails into his skin as they move against each other.
“Right there,” he brings a hand down to Ryo’s ass, grabbing and pulling in time with his thrusts. Ueda turns his head to the side to throw Ryo a lustful, wanton look and he looks straight into his eyes as he shamelessly begs for it faster, harder, and for it to never stop because it feels that good.
That does it.
Ryo grabs Ueda’s hips with both of his hands and pulls him away from the wall, taking a few steps to the right and wordlessly bending him over the tub before entering him again with sharp, frantic motions. One of Ueda’s hands catches his head before it hits the floor of the tub and the other reaches up to brace himself against the opposite wall, using the leverage to push his body back onto Ryo’s cock.
Their moans become one as their bodies rock together faster and faster, and when Ryo finally reaches down to grab Ueda and pulls, it only takes three hard tugs for him to scream Ryo’s name and shoot his cum across the outside of Jin’s clean white tub.
Ueda is still shaking with the aftershocks of his orgasm as Ryo thrusts into him a few last times wildly, almost violently, before emptying himself deep into Ueda’s ass and letting out a wordless yell of his own. His hips jerk involuntarily as he comes down from his high, and Ueda lets out sexy, irresistible little whimpers each time that shoot straight to Ryo’s spent cock.
They stay like that for a moment, until Ryo pulls out as gently as possible, wincing as Ueda’s muscles contract around him. He leans back slowly, taking Ueda with him and turning him around so that they’re facing each other. Ueda looks spent; his face is flushed, his eyes are bright, and as he looks at him, Ryo wonders if he’s always been this beautiful.
He touches the side of Ueda’s face with one hand, the other resting on his hip and pulls him forward. It’s awkward and unsure, but luckily, Ueda gets the picture. He only eyes Ryo strangely for a moment, lips curling up into the barest hint of a smile as he shortens the space between them.
“What are you smiling at?” Ryo asks lazily, no real venom to the words. He’s sitting crossed legged now, both of his hands now resting gently on Ueda’s hips.
“Nothing,” Ueda continues to scoot forward on his knees and straddles Ryo, his arms coming up to wrap around his shoulders. “This is just the first time you’ve ever initiated cuddling.”
Ryo laughs. “I didn’t initiate shit,” the cutting words are at odds with his soft tone and the fact that he’s gently running his fingers through Ueda’s hair as he speaks. “It’s not my fault I’m irresistible.”
“You’re not irresistible,” Ueda argues, his hand caressing the scratches he made earlier on Ryo’s back. “The fact that I was drunk the first time we had sex says a lot, I think.”
“Screw you.”
“Again?”
Ryo pulls back and makes a face. “That was lame, Princess.”
“Yeah,” He agrees, chuckling softly.
A comfortable silence settles between them as they sit in the middle of Jin’s bathroom, the music from downstairs is considerably fainter than before, but can still be heard, if only just barely. Ryo lowers his head and tucks it under Ueda’s chin as he closes his eyes, allowing himself to be mellowed out by the calm, rhythmic breathing of the other.
“I wasn’t going to have sex with her.”
Ryo stills, and as much as he wants to lift his head and see what kind of expression Ueda is making, and as badly as he wants to look into his eyes, he doesn’t. He can’t. Ueda seems to understand this, so he continues.
“I was angry at you, sure. And I wanted to get back at you but I wouldn’t have gone all the way." Ueda swears, his voice earnest and gentle. "You have to know that I love you too much to ever do something like that.”
Ryo squeezes Ueda’s waist, and hopes the message that he can’t put into words gets across.
I’m sorry. I love you. I’m an idiot. You’re too good for me. I don’t deserve to be forgiven.
God, I love you.
“Yeah, Ryo,” Ueda hugs his head against his chest. “I know.”
And he does. Ryo knows that Ueda understands, somehow.
They sit there in Jin's bathroom, both naked and more vulnerable than they'e ever been as they hold each other close, and for a moment, everything becomes clear. Ryo lifts his head and kisses Ueda once, twice, and when Ueda smiles brightly - his smile - he thinks to himself that this is enough. Nobody else needs to know. As long as they know, as long as he knows that Ueda loves him and Ueda knows that he loves him back, it's enough.
It's all they need.
Secret or not.
END.