The First Time
" Coffee or Tea " , he asked me. I was busy looking around the café crowded with young people like him and me , and turned to answer him, when he looked at the impatient waiter and ordered two cappuccino's. I opened my mouth to say something and immediately decided against it. I continued to say nothing and be the person in awe of our relationship for the years we were together.
And then we parted ways, for some known reasons and then some unexplainable causes. It was a difficult time and visiting familiar places was a way I had adopted to nurse my broken heart and shattered life. The daily visit to 'our' café continued. The waiter didn't bother to ask me what I wanted ,he just placed a cup of cappuccino in front of me every single time. It remained untouched every single visit, while I paid for it just before I was ready to leave.
Throughout my life I have had people come up to me and tell me I invoke a sense of protectiveness in them. There's something about me that urges them to step up forward and protect me from whatever they felt I needed to be protected against. Throughout my life I have been living other peoples vision of how my life should be. Everyone but me supposedly knew what was good for me. A little Caged Princess living in a Golden Cage singing tunes asked of her to sing, dancing in movements demanded that she move in.
Having grown up this way I expected to be taken care of and understood during the phase I needed it. What I hadn't expected was to realise that the people I thought would watch my back wasn't really going to be there for me unconditionally when I hit rock bottom. They wouldn't be of any help to me. They would be great however at telling me what I need to do, how I need to feel, and what needs to happen. Its true and sad , that very often we find ourselves at the bottom of the barrel and those around us don't hold our hands so that we swim up together. We generally find them letting us drown by standing up on us and barking orders down on us.
But life is strange and some new hands did pull me up from the whirlwind that was my life. It wasn't the breakup alone. It was my life as a whole that needed to be overhauled. And I didn't have a clue where to start. It was around this time I restarted my long lost passion of reading. I rediscovered my love for writing. These helped me clear the clutter in my mind and importantly my heart. With clearer vision I began to see the beauty of life. I understood that life , everyone's life, is interesting and that its all about the perspective we bring to it. I began to lighten up. I learnt to have fun, I began to enjoy being silly. Laughter and Smiles became an important part of my life. It wasn't easy at all. Change never is. Swimming against the tide and going against the standard accepted ways of who and what you are / should be is never going to be applauded. The theory goes that everyone will try to curb you and those who don't will end up shooting down your dreams. They'll tell you be who you are, stay with the pack, follow the norms.
And then I learned through experience that the dream killers aren't whole time employees of Dream Killing Incorporated. They are just people in our lives who don't share the same vision as us. The real lesson was that they are not aware of what they are doing. In many cases they hurt us not because they intend to, its only because they do not know how to be supportive. And then there is the subconscious level where people become uncomfortable and put forth resistance when they see someone go out and reach for something better. It subconsciously reminds them of the aspects of their life that they don't love. It reminds them of the areas where they have settled instead of reached out. And when you step out on your own they feel left behind and their natural inclination is to hold onto your collar and pull you back. My biggest lesson was to understand where friends and family were coming from. I learnt not to take it personally and not to let it upset or frustrate me. I learnt to create a social trap for every pull back attempt.
Sometime back I read something about a burglar who would take his time to study the family he was about to steal from. His biggest insight was that each home had a 'center' , that one place, where the bits and pieces from everyday life tend to collect. Letters from school, grocery bills, takeaway menus ... all these would reveal a lot about the individuals inhabiting that space. Funnily when I stepped back and inspected my own home and life I found this to be eerily true. My home had those two or three , maybe four even if not more of these 'centers' which simply comprised I was too lazy to file away or toss. And then looking at a micro level at my individual life I immediately identify areas where guilt , frustration and anxiety is accumulating and growing. Areas that could be smooth sailing once I deal with them. But, that's the rub. Whether its stacks of bills, extra inches around my waist, or maintaining my friendships, sometimes we need to have a fire lit under our bums to get things done. There will always be excuses not to be inspired enough , but the moment I laid my first personal trap and caught hold of the first irritant, I knew - I was on my own with the promise of being treated differently and looked differently.
The first time for anything always faces the challenge of " impossible tag ", be it a life changing invention or a life changing decision. But what eggs it on is the determination, belief and reality of a better life.
And so one day at the café as the waiter came and placed the cup of cappuccino in front of me minutes after I walked in, I stopped him. " Bhaiya, I am neither a coffee or a tea drinker, would you mind getting me a glass of fresh orange juice instead. " For a while he stood flabbergasted , for years he hadn't questioned my untouched coffee mug and continued to serve the same every time I went there. That day he slowly smiled , moved away from being mechanical and said " Sure Madam , as you desire. "
And thus I had laid my first trap. Its a continuous process for me. Sometimes the traps aren't as effective and the vices come back. Those days I just have to reinvent and get creative and lay a better mousetrap.
“Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as being able to remake ourselves.” ~Gandhi
And then we parted ways, for some known reasons and then some unexplainable causes. It was a difficult time and visiting familiar places was a way I had adopted to nurse my broken heart and shattered life. The daily visit to 'our' café continued. The waiter didn't bother to ask me what I wanted ,he just placed a cup of cappuccino in front of me every single time. It remained untouched every single visit, while I paid for it just before I was ready to leave.
Throughout my life I have had people come up to me and tell me I invoke a sense of protectiveness in them. There's something about me that urges them to step up forward and protect me from whatever they felt I needed to be protected against. Throughout my life I have been living other peoples vision of how my life should be. Everyone but me supposedly knew what was good for me. A little Caged Princess living in a Golden Cage singing tunes asked of her to sing, dancing in movements demanded that she move in.
Having grown up this way I expected to be taken care of and understood during the phase I needed it. What I hadn't expected was to realise that the people I thought would watch my back wasn't really going to be there for me unconditionally when I hit rock bottom. They wouldn't be of any help to me. They would be great however at telling me what I need to do, how I need to feel, and what needs to happen. Its true and sad , that very often we find ourselves at the bottom of the barrel and those around us don't hold our hands so that we swim up together. We generally find them letting us drown by standing up on us and barking orders down on us.
But life is strange and some new hands did pull me up from the whirlwind that was my life. It wasn't the breakup alone. It was my life as a whole that needed to be overhauled. And I didn't have a clue where to start. It was around this time I restarted my long lost passion of reading. I rediscovered my love for writing. These helped me clear the clutter in my mind and importantly my heart. With clearer vision I began to see the beauty of life. I understood that life , everyone's life, is interesting and that its all about the perspective we bring to it. I began to lighten up. I learnt to have fun, I began to enjoy being silly. Laughter and Smiles became an important part of my life. It wasn't easy at all. Change never is. Swimming against the tide and going against the standard accepted ways of who and what you are / should be is never going to be applauded. The theory goes that everyone will try to curb you and those who don't will end up shooting down your dreams. They'll tell you be who you are, stay with the pack, follow the norms.
And then I learned through experience that the dream killers aren't whole time employees of Dream Killing Incorporated. They are just people in our lives who don't share the same vision as us. The real lesson was that they are not aware of what they are doing. In many cases they hurt us not because they intend to, its only because they do not know how to be supportive. And then there is the subconscious level where people become uncomfortable and put forth resistance when they see someone go out and reach for something better. It subconsciously reminds them of the aspects of their life that they don't love. It reminds them of the areas where they have settled instead of reached out. And when you step out on your own they feel left behind and their natural inclination is to hold onto your collar and pull you back. My biggest lesson was to understand where friends and family were coming from. I learnt not to take it personally and not to let it upset or frustrate me. I learnt to create a social trap for every pull back attempt.
Sometime back I read something about a burglar who would take his time to study the family he was about to steal from. His biggest insight was that each home had a 'center' , that one place, where the bits and pieces from everyday life tend to collect. Letters from school, grocery bills, takeaway menus ... all these would reveal a lot about the individuals inhabiting that space. Funnily when I stepped back and inspected my own home and life I found this to be eerily true. My home had those two or three , maybe four even if not more of these 'centers' which simply comprised I was too lazy to file away or toss. And then looking at a micro level at my individual life I immediately identify areas where guilt , frustration and anxiety is accumulating and growing. Areas that could be smooth sailing once I deal with them. But, that's the rub. Whether its stacks of bills, extra inches around my waist, or maintaining my friendships, sometimes we need to have a fire lit under our bums to get things done. There will always be excuses not to be inspired enough , but the moment I laid my first personal trap and caught hold of the first irritant, I knew - I was on my own with the promise of being treated differently and looked differently.
The first time for anything always faces the challenge of " impossible tag ", be it a life changing invention or a life changing decision. But what eggs it on is the determination, belief and reality of a better life.
And so one day at the café as the waiter came and placed the cup of cappuccino in front of me minutes after I walked in, I stopped him. " Bhaiya, I am neither a coffee or a tea drinker, would you mind getting me a glass of fresh orange juice instead. " For a while he stood flabbergasted , for years he hadn't questioned my untouched coffee mug and continued to serve the same every time I went there. That day he slowly smiled , moved away from being mechanical and said " Sure Madam , as you desire. "
And thus I had laid my first trap. Its a continuous process for me. Sometimes the traps aren't as effective and the vices come back. Those days I just have to reinvent and get creative and lay a better mousetrap.
“Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as being able to remake ourselves.” ~Gandhi