Memo from Heaven
Remember those memos from The Special Hell? Well I got my hands on the Heavenly equivalent...
Heaven Inc.
Memo
To: Archangel Leadership Team
From: Senior Management Team
CC: Reapers
Date: 27 March, 2007
Re: Update on interim report to increase KPIs in soul recruitment
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Following the release of the report into the downturn in soul admissions (Why no-one is knocking on Heaven’s door. MissyJack Consultancy, January 2007), we are implementing a number of major policy reviews.
1.1 The current Seven Deadly Sins - lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, pride, wrath and envy - are now widely practiced and generally held to be quite enjoyable by many people and therefore we are losing them to the other side.
These will be replaced by the Few Things We’d Rather You Didn’t Do such as killing people with a chainsaw, making kiddie porn, using run on sentences, not putting spoilers behind a cut-tag and leaving your brother to go to college.
2. Recommendation Two: Sexual Diversity Program
2.1 We are revoking all previous policies prohibiting admission of peoples who have participated in non-heterosexual non-baby-making sexual activities including but not limited to the following activities between people of any gender or combination of holes and dangly bits:
* Buttsex
* Whatever it is that lesbians do
* Consensual activities involving tentacles or other prehensile appendages
* Fetishes related to bubble wrap, yak play, jello, Impala Chevys, muppets and most practices ending in -philia
2.2 Sexual contact between siblings is now not only acceptable but mandatory (as long as they are very attractive). Failure to at least hug on a regular basis will be considered grounds for banishment to the other place.
2.3 Martyrs will now be offered a choice of 72 virgins or 72 sluts. For difficult cases (see Dean Winchester case) we will use the 72 skanky hos.
2.4 Touched by an Angel. This new Workshop will instruct you on how to use sexy moves for seducing souls. Advanced class in pole-dancing and crucifix limbo available soon.
2.5 The souls of ass babies of any religious background will now be accepted.
The following are a few suggestions to improve your miracle techniques:
Dress code Robes and sandals have not been in fashion for centuries (except for that retro period in the 1970s). Just because most major fashion designers have a deal with the other side doesn’t mean we have to look like we’re dressed by Goodwill. Stick with the classics - denim goes with everything especially wings.
Accessories Extensive research of our target audience as indicated a high susceptibility to recruitment in the presence of unicorns and rainbows. The Unicorn Breeding Program is reaching significant milestones early than expected as they turn out to be horny little buggers. Please make sure you take one on any mission with you. There has been a small glitch in the attempts to get them to shoot rainbows from their rectal cavities, so for the time being just stick some rainbow candy up their nose.
Suggested Updating for Miracles
* Water into wine: now water into Purple Nurples
* Production of foodstuffs such as loaves and fishes should take into account yeast and gluten intolerances, as well as restrictions of South Beach Diet.
* Stone tablets with heavenly words: high speed broadband with speedy torrents
* Healing of lepers: reduction in cellulite and wrinkles.
Despite the recent disastrous incident with the Pagan Partnerships (who thought that inviting witches to a BBQ was insensitive?) we will continue to work to liaise with other belief systems as part of our new strategic direction.
Note there may be some continued disruptions as we renovate Cloud Nine which will shortly be renamed The Special Heaven in an order to finally make inroads into the recruitment of fangirl souls.
The Soul Exchange Negotiations for 2006/07 are underway although we are stuck on whether Denny Duquette is a fair exchange for John Winchester. In other news despite some excellent work by the angels in the White Nightgown Unit it unfortunately appears as if we have lost the Sam Winchester deal.
Jesus Krishna
حمدi Kali
Buddha
Lilith
Heaven Inc.
Memo
To: Archangel Leadership Team
From: Senior Management Team
CC: Reapers
Date: 27 March, 2007
Re: Update on interim report to increase KPIs in soul recruitment
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Following the release of the report into the downturn in soul admissions (Why no-one is knocking on Heaven’s door. MissyJack Consultancy, January 2007), we are implementing a number of major policy reviews.
- Recommendation One: Reclassification of Seven Deadly Sins
1.1 The current Seven Deadly Sins - lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, pride, wrath and envy - are now widely practiced and generally held to be quite enjoyable by many people and therefore we are losing them to the other side.
These will be replaced by the Few Things We’d Rather You Didn’t Do such as killing people with a chainsaw, making kiddie porn, using run on sentences, not putting spoilers behind a cut-tag and leaving your brother to go to college.
2. Recommendation Two: Sexual Diversity Program
2.1 We are revoking all previous policies prohibiting admission of peoples who have participated in non-heterosexual non-baby-making sexual activities including but not limited to the following activities between people of any gender or combination of holes and dangly bits:
* Buttsex
* Whatever it is that lesbians do
* Consensual activities involving tentacles or other prehensile appendages
* Fetishes related to bubble wrap, yak play, jello, Impala Chevys, muppets and most practices ending in -philia
2.2 Sexual contact between siblings is now not only acceptable but mandatory (as long as they are very attractive). Failure to at least hug on a regular basis will be considered grounds for banishment to the other place.
2.3 Martyrs will now be offered a choice of 72 virgins or 72 sluts. For difficult cases (see Dean Winchester case) we will use the 72 skanky hos.
2.4 Touched by an Angel. This new Workshop will instruct you on how to use sexy moves for seducing souls. Advanced class in pole-dancing and crucifix limbo available soon.
2.5 The souls of ass babies of any religious background will now be accepted.
- Recommendation Three: Miracle Enhancement Program
Performing miracles is an effective way of convincing people we exist ad recruiting souls. Having some weird dude in a kaftan turn up and conjure up a few locusts or whip up some loaves and fishes just doesn’t cut it in the 21st century.
The following are a few suggestions to improve your miracle techniques:
Dress code Robes and sandals have not been in fashion for centuries (except for that retro period in the 1970s). Just because most major fashion designers have a deal with the other side doesn’t mean we have to look like we’re dressed by Goodwill. Stick with the classics - denim goes with everything especially wings.
Accessories Extensive research of our target audience as indicated a high susceptibility to recruitment in the presence of unicorns and rainbows. The Unicorn Breeding Program is reaching significant milestones early than expected as they turn out to be horny little buggers. Please make sure you take one on any mission with you. There has been a small glitch in the attempts to get them to shoot rainbows from their rectal cavities, so for the time being just stick some rainbow candy up their nose.
Suggested Updating for Miracles
* Water into wine: now water into Purple Nurples
* Production of foodstuffs such as loaves and fishes should take into account yeast and gluten intolerances, as well as restrictions of South Beach Diet.
* Stone tablets with heavenly words: high speed broadband with speedy torrents
* Healing of lepers: reduction in cellulite and wrinkles.
Despite the recent disastrous incident with the Pagan Partnerships (who thought that inviting witches to a BBQ was insensitive?) we will continue to work to liaise with other belief systems as part of our new strategic direction.
Note there may be some continued disruptions as we renovate Cloud Nine which will shortly be renamed The Special Heaven in an order to finally make inroads into the recruitment of fangirl souls.
The Soul Exchange Negotiations for 2006/07 are underway although we are stuck on whether Denny Duquette is a fair exchange for John Winchester. In other news despite some excellent work by the angels in the White Nightgown Unit it unfortunately appears as if we have lost the Sam Winchester deal.
Jesus Krishna
حمدi Kali
Buddha
Lilith