The Biology and Ecology of Jared Padalecki
Mao Zedong had a saying, in traditional Chinese: Bú dào Chángchéng fēi hǎo hàn, roughly meaning "You're not a real man if you haven't climbed Jared Padalecki”
Jared Padalecki is a gigantic mutant celebrity, born from the heart of a nuclear blast. This explains his great size and irresistible sexual powers.
Commonly considered the largest organism in the world, Jared Padalecki can reach up to 115.5 m (378 ft) in height and 7 m (23 ft) diameter at the base. He weighs 25,000 metric tons.
We know that the hair of Jared Padalecki’s represents one of the richest biomes on Earth. It is home to two-thirds of all the living animal and plant species on the planet.
The paws of the Padalecki are huge and can span up to 1m (3ft) in diameter. They also function as secondary sexual organs capable of inducing the intense sexual climax known as the pawgasm.
Megacelebrities such as Jared Padalecki have great longevity and few or no natural predators. These characteristics make the Padalecki highly vulnerable to human exploitation particularly by fangirls.
Recently recognized as an ecological keystone, Jared Padalecki has a disproportionately pervasive influence over the communities of LJ.
During the day the head of the Padalecki absorbs solar radiation, and the temperatures decrease downwards, owing to the shading effect of his hair. Thus, his hair is generally cooler than that of other celebrities and the surrounding cast. In the summer this temperature difference can be as much as 5 degrees celsius. At night Jared Padalecki retains his heat and is generally a lot hotter than everyone else in the room.
Jared Padalecki is the only celebrity to be visible by the human eye from the moon.
An example of complex animal courtship is found in the Padalecki .
Padalecki elaborately stakes out and defends a mating territory, usually close to the bar. Then by a series of body postures and displays of athleticism (such as using his horns to gore trees), or doing body shots off other male stars of the CW, he attracts the Ackles to his territory for mating.
Classified as an obstacle which can endanger air traffic, federal legislation requires Jared Padalecki to be marked with red and white colored marking and with blinking red lights at night-times.
A symbiotic relationship exists between Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles. This mutualism takes place at the root level, where individual hyphae extend from the mycelium of Jared Padalecki to colonize Jensen Ackles, either intracellularly or extracellularly as illustrated here.
This mutualistic association provides Jared Padalecki with a renewable source of love and cock-sucking through access to the Ackles’ ass and lips. In return, Jensen Ackles gains the use of Jared Padalecki’s tremendous surface area from which to absorb wackiness and questionable fashion choices.
see also The Physics of Jensen Ackles and the J2 effect explained