The Secret Diary of Castiel aged 4,237¾
Title:The Secret Diary of Castiel aged 4,237¾
Author: missyjack
Pairing: Castiel/Winchesters
Rating and genre: R,Crack
Words: 1,500
Beta: Many thanks to the awesome bellatemple
Summary: This is an extract from Castiel’s Diaries. He worries on a regular basis about failing to stop the end of the world, the number of sins he is committing during his time on Earth and whether his trench coat makes his butt look big. He has become involved in two romantic relationships. The first is with the charismatic, morally corrupt but attractively short Dean Winchester. The second relationship is with the haughty Sam Winchester, whom he initially dislikes because he used to drink demon blood and is very tall.
A/N:thanks to Helen Fielding who would’ve written her books about Cass if she had’ve known him
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single angel facing the apocalypse, must be in want of a Winchester brother.
Friday January 1st
New Year’s Resolutions:
I Will:
1. Stop the Apocalypse
2. Live a more chaste, righteous and obedient life and focus my thoughts on the Glory of God
3. Learn how to program the TiVo
4. Resist the temptation to smite Scientologists, Twilight Moms and that guy at Verizon
5. Remember that "driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole, and the angel in the back seat is useless at reading maps"
I Will Not:
1. Have impure thoughts about either Winchester brother
2. Use my divine powers to help my favorite contestant win Project Runway
3. Prank call Raphael using the Enochian Summoning Ritual
4. Look at those magazines Bobby keeps behind the Aramaic texts. Again. Well, maybe just once for educational purposes.
5. Go through the Gideon’s Bible in every motel room correcting the mistakes
Sins committed today: Impatience, pride, coveting of ass, listening to rock music (must check that one)
Capricious nature of humans continues to vex me. Despite acceding to his request to turn water into a crisp, dry chardonnay and produce rainbows on demand, Sam Winchester remains aloof towards me and quite rude on occasion.
The older, short brother, Dean Winchester continues to provide much advice on humanity, although often the veracity of the information seems questionable. However, he is committed to stopping the apocalypse, and to that end I am listening to the entire catalog of a musical group called Led Zeppelin, as Dean tells me Lucifer has encoded messages in the recordings when they are played in reverse.
Later, I watched Sam and Dean consuming chicken wings that had been prepared with spices and sauces and grilled. The sight of them licking and sucking at those wings, making deep moans to indicate their pleasure, actually made me jealous of fast food. It also caused an extreme physical reaction in my vessel. Given the state of my pants, I was pleased I still have the power of divine dry-cleaning.
Saturday January 2nd
Sins committed today: Disobedience (ongoing), gluttony, blasphemy, lustful thoughts (two counts) ETA: general cursing
Continue to marvel at human technology. Do not know why Heavenly Father chose to release Ten Commandments on stone tablets instead of an iPhone app.
Still listening to Dean’s music collection as per instructions. So far no satanic messages detected. I am trying to ascertain why Dean enjoys these songs so much, but the attraction eludes me. However, did find a few tracks he had by someone called Adam Lambert that I found quite uplifting.
Am less intimidated by the younger Winchester’s height today, and considerably enamored by his cat-like eyes. Had long conversation about Aristotle’s Metaphysics. Sam had very clever things to say. Haven’t read it myself, but had met Aristotle, so winged it. Omitted mentioning his penchant for buggery of lithesome youths as not sure if it would seem flirtatious.
Dean loves pie. One could say Dean worships pie. (note: add bowing down before false idols to Dean’s list of sins). Today, Dean introduced me to a new type of pie - chocolate peanut butter pie. I do not like pie. Any sort of pie. Am fucking sick of pie. (note: must add cursing to list of sins).
Had three pieces.
Sunday January 3rd
Sins committed today: Disobedience (ongoing), intemperance (Tequila - 4 shots), gluttony, blasphemy, lustful thoughts (seven counts).
Helped Sam do some research today and found Sam is quite evangelical when it came to attributes of his Mac Powerbook. I love it when he says "lore"; his lips go all pouty. As he typed, I watched the muscles in his forearms flex. I love his broad hands and long dexterous fingers and I wish they would lead me into temptation. Unfortunately, Sam flounced off when I mentioned his starting the apocalypse. My bad, but he can be so touchy!!
Am testing aphorism that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Made Dean a sandwich, for which he seemed grateful. Thought he was showing signs of faith when he asked me about what constituted a sin. Dean then proceeded to recite a list of activities to check that he hadn’t missed any. When I inquired whether he had deliberately left felching off the list he blushed. It made his freckles stand out most becomingly.
Monday January 4th
Sins committed today: Disobedience (ongoing), gluttony, vanity, lustful thoughts (sixteen counts), farting (probably not a sin despite Dean’s insistence)
Oh, why am I so unattractive? Why? I am trapped wearing this coat which Dean insists previously belonged to a member of law enforcement by the name of Inspector Gadget. My lips are chapped and my hair looks like something best suited to adorn the head of a domestic fowl. I am pretty sure even Bobby thinks I am ugly and he wears a hat with a pig on it.
Sam suggested a new hairstyle involving something called "bangs". Am not sure if I am prepared for such a radical step. Dean then entered the discussion and suggested Sam and I braid each other’s hair. Despite Dean’s intent being that the suggestion of a female grooming ritual would be an insult, I found the thought of running my finger’s through Sam’s hair quite appealing. Unfortunately opportunity to follow suggestion did not arise as younger Winchester brother proceeded to wrestle with older Winchester brother to assert his masculinity.
They do wrestle quite a bit I’ve noticed.
Tuesday January 5th
Sins committed today: Slothfulness, gluttony (two pints Chunky Monkey)
Thinking moonily about Sam and Dean. I know Sam is destined to be Lucifer’s vessel, and he is tainted by demon blood, BUT I DON’T CARE. I think his height makes him closer to God. Dean Winchester is immoral and wicked but he is very very pretty. They both make me want to commit a number of sins, both venial and mortal, repeatedly. While naked.
But why would they want me? I mean my family is a DISASTER. Where do I start? I mean Gabriel has repeatedly tormented them. He’s not only killed Dean dozens of times, he trapped them both in crappy network dramas and sitcoms. As least he didn’t torture them on a late night talk show like he did that guy with the unfortunately large chin. And let’s not mention my other siblings with the smiting and fire and brimstone. And our Father, the one humanity puts their faith in? Gone fishing millennia ago and all those poor schmucks praying and not realizing everything is going straight to voicemail.
Have listened to much of Dean’s music collection. While most of the songs do, rather worryingly, contain vivid post-apocalyptic imagery and references to the Dark Lord and the Number of the Beast, I rather doubt they are messages from Lucifer. He is much more into power ballads and Tibetan throat singing.
Wednesday January 6th
Sins committed today: Disobedience (ongoing), intemperance (does sacramental wine count?), gluttony, blasphemy, lustful thoughts (seven counts), violence (one count).
Dean must be enjoying my cooking, today he bought me an apron that read "I’m the one who gripped you tight, now YOU should do the dishes!" I almost didn’t mind when I found he’d been using the blessed holy oil to make fries.
I foolishly tried discussing my feelings for Sam and Dean with Gabriel. He commenced by stating my emotions were unnatural, lustful, and indecent and that he was very proud of me for finally “waking up and smelling the testosterone.” He then proffered advice of a lewd and explicit nature as to how I should proceed so I kicked him in the nuts. I have learned much from the Winchesters. However before I left he quoted a verse from Samuel "if you don't go forth, there will not stay a man with you this night: and that will be worse to you than all the evil that has happened to you from your youth until now."
I plan to gird my loins and proceed boldly.
Thursday January 7th
Sins committed today: Intemperance (24 shots of whiskey), kissed a human (okay Dean), carnal knowledge of said human, kissing and carnal knowledge of another human (that would be the younger Winchester), fornication with two humans at the same time (for participants see above), took Lord’s name in vain (loudly), sodomy (insertive and receptive), fellatio (five counts, interspersed between multiple acts of coitus), gluttony (four pieces raspberry-almond torte with chocolate ganache), various acts of depravity several of which involved previously mentioned torte. Am unsure of term for the thing they did with my wings.
Author: missyjack
Pairing: Castiel/Winchesters
Rating and genre: R,Crack
Words: 1,500
Beta: Many thanks to the awesome bellatemple
Summary: This is an extract from Castiel’s Diaries. He worries on a regular basis about failing to stop the end of the world, the number of sins he is committing during his time on Earth and whether his trench coat makes his butt look big. He has become involved in two romantic relationships. The first is with the charismatic, morally corrupt but attractively short Dean Winchester. The second relationship is with the haughty Sam Winchester, whom he initially dislikes because he used to drink demon blood and is very tall.
A/N:thanks to Helen Fielding who would’ve written her books about Cass if she had’ve known him
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single angel facing the apocalypse, must be in want of a Winchester brother.
Friday January 1st
New Year’s Resolutions:
I Will:
1. Stop the Apocalypse
2. Live a more chaste, righteous and obedient life and focus my thoughts on the Glory of God
3. Learn how to program the TiVo
4. Resist the temptation to smite Scientologists, Twilight Moms and that guy at Verizon
5. Remember that "driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole, and the angel in the back seat is useless at reading maps"
I Will Not:
1. Have impure thoughts about either Winchester brother
2. Use my divine powers to help my favorite contestant win Project Runway
3. Prank call Raphael using the Enochian Summoning Ritual
4. Look at those magazines Bobby keeps behind the Aramaic texts. Again. Well, maybe just once for educational purposes.
5. Go through the Gideon’s Bible in every motel room correcting the mistakes
Sins committed today: Impatience, pride, coveting of ass, listening to rock music (must check that one)
Capricious nature of humans continues to vex me. Despite acceding to his request to turn water into a crisp, dry chardonnay and produce rainbows on demand, Sam Winchester remains aloof towards me and quite rude on occasion.
The older, short brother, Dean Winchester continues to provide much advice on humanity, although often the veracity of the information seems questionable. However, he is committed to stopping the apocalypse, and to that end I am listening to the entire catalog of a musical group called Led Zeppelin, as Dean tells me Lucifer has encoded messages in the recordings when they are played in reverse.
Later, I watched Sam and Dean consuming chicken wings that had been prepared with spices and sauces and grilled. The sight of them licking and sucking at those wings, making deep moans to indicate their pleasure, actually made me jealous of fast food. It also caused an extreme physical reaction in my vessel. Given the state of my pants, I was pleased I still have the power of divine dry-cleaning.
Saturday January 2nd
Sins committed today: Disobedience (ongoing), gluttony, blasphemy, lustful thoughts (two counts) ETA: general cursing
Continue to marvel at human technology. Do not know why Heavenly Father chose to release Ten Commandments on stone tablets instead of an iPhone app.
Still listening to Dean’s music collection as per instructions. So far no satanic messages detected. I am trying to ascertain why Dean enjoys these songs so much, but the attraction eludes me. However, did find a few tracks he had by someone called Adam Lambert that I found quite uplifting.
Am less intimidated by the younger Winchester’s height today, and considerably enamored by his cat-like eyes. Had long conversation about Aristotle’s Metaphysics. Sam had very clever things to say. Haven’t read it myself, but had met Aristotle, so winged it. Omitted mentioning his penchant for buggery of lithesome youths as not sure if it would seem flirtatious.
Dean loves pie. One could say Dean worships pie. (note: add bowing down before false idols to Dean’s list of sins). Today, Dean introduced me to a new type of pie - chocolate peanut butter pie. I do not like pie. Any sort of pie. Am fucking sick of pie. (note: must add cursing to list of sins).
Had three pieces.
Sunday January 3rd
Sins committed today: Disobedience (ongoing), intemperance (Tequila - 4 shots), gluttony, blasphemy, lustful thoughts (seven counts).
Helped Sam do some research today and found Sam is quite evangelical when it came to attributes of his Mac Powerbook. I love it when he says "lore"; his lips go all pouty. As he typed, I watched the muscles in his forearms flex. I love his broad hands and long dexterous fingers and I wish they would lead me into temptation. Unfortunately, Sam flounced off when I mentioned his starting the apocalypse. My bad, but he can be so touchy!!
Am testing aphorism that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Made Dean a sandwich, for which he seemed grateful. Thought he was showing signs of faith when he asked me about what constituted a sin. Dean then proceeded to recite a list of activities to check that he hadn’t missed any. When I inquired whether he had deliberately left felching off the list he blushed. It made his freckles stand out most becomingly.
Monday January 4th
Sins committed today: Disobedience (ongoing), gluttony, vanity, lustful thoughts (sixteen counts), farting (probably not a sin despite Dean’s insistence)
Oh, why am I so unattractive? Why? I am trapped wearing this coat which Dean insists previously belonged to a member of law enforcement by the name of Inspector Gadget. My lips are chapped and my hair looks like something best suited to adorn the head of a domestic fowl. I am pretty sure even Bobby thinks I am ugly and he wears a hat with a pig on it.
Sam suggested a new hairstyle involving something called "bangs". Am not sure if I am prepared for such a radical step. Dean then entered the discussion and suggested Sam and I braid each other’s hair. Despite Dean’s intent being that the suggestion of a female grooming ritual would be an insult, I found the thought of running my finger’s through Sam’s hair quite appealing. Unfortunately opportunity to follow suggestion did not arise as younger Winchester brother proceeded to wrestle with older Winchester brother to assert his masculinity.
They do wrestle quite a bit I’ve noticed.
Tuesday January 5th
Sins committed today: Slothfulness, gluttony (two pints Chunky Monkey)
Thinking moonily about Sam and Dean. I know Sam is destined to be Lucifer’s vessel, and he is tainted by demon blood, BUT I DON’T CARE. I think his height makes him closer to God. Dean Winchester is immoral and wicked but he is very very pretty. They both make me want to commit a number of sins, both venial and mortal, repeatedly. While naked.
But why would they want me? I mean my family is a DISASTER. Where do I start? I mean Gabriel has repeatedly tormented them. He’s not only killed Dean dozens of times, he trapped them both in crappy network dramas and sitcoms. As least he didn’t torture them on a late night talk show like he did that guy with the unfortunately large chin. And let’s not mention my other siblings with the smiting and fire and brimstone. And our Father, the one humanity puts their faith in? Gone fishing millennia ago and all those poor schmucks praying and not realizing everything is going straight to voicemail.
Have listened to much of Dean’s music collection. While most of the songs do, rather worryingly, contain vivid post-apocalyptic imagery and references to the Dark Lord and the Number of the Beast, I rather doubt they are messages from Lucifer. He is much more into power ballads and Tibetan throat singing.
Wednesday January 6th
Sins committed today: Disobedience (ongoing), intemperance (does sacramental wine count?), gluttony, blasphemy, lustful thoughts (seven counts), violence (one count).
Dean must be enjoying my cooking, today he bought me an apron that read "I’m the one who gripped you tight, now YOU should do the dishes!" I almost didn’t mind when I found he’d been using the blessed holy oil to make fries.
I foolishly tried discussing my feelings for Sam and Dean with Gabriel. He commenced by stating my emotions were unnatural, lustful, and indecent and that he was very proud of me for finally “waking up and smelling the testosterone.” He then proffered advice of a lewd and explicit nature as to how I should proceed so I kicked him in the nuts. I have learned much from the Winchesters. However before I left he quoted a verse from Samuel "if you don't go forth, there will not stay a man with you this night: and that will be worse to you than all the evil that has happened to you from your youth until now."
I plan to gird my loins and proceed boldly.
Thursday January 7th
Sins committed today: Intemperance (24 shots of whiskey), kissed a human (okay Dean), carnal knowledge of said human, kissing and carnal knowledge of another human (that would be the younger Winchester), fornication with two humans at the same time (for participants see above), took Lord’s name in vain (loudly), sodomy (insertive and receptive), fellatio (five counts, interspersed between multiple acts of coitus), gluttony (four pieces raspberry-almond torte with chocolate ganache), various acts of depravity several of which involved previously mentioned torte. Am unsure of term for the thing they did with my wings.