Brokeback Eagle*: The Utterly Ridiculous Eagle Pimping Post PART ONE
OKAY. FINE. I'M DOING THIS.
Last week, my dad, after hearing that I'd gone to see The Eagle, asked me, "Oh, how was it? Should I go see it?"
And I just kind of froze before the obvious answer ("Mom would hate it") came to me, because dude, I have no idea I have literally NO IDEA what people who are not slashers are possibly getting out of this movie. None. It's not, objectively, a very GOOD movie (though not terrible) -- it's bizarrely paced, there aren't a lot of huge fight scenes, there is no heterosexual love story (MORE ON THAT LATER) and the acting is...inconsistent.
But holy god, is it ever gay. It is not just fic, it's epic, kinky slavefic. And it's a writer's dream in that they give you just enough of the dynamics to make them really, really interesting without going into the details, so it just makes you itch to fill in the missing penetration pieces.
ON TO THE MOVIE:
Just so you know, there are both animals and children who get hurt in this movie. I am someone who is deeply disturbed by child harm and I would have liked to know about it before I went. Both scenes happen off-screen, but you know what's happening. The only saving grace here is that the child harm comes during the most ridiculous, OTT, and nonsensical battle ever, so you're too busy being like, WHAT THE HELL IS EVEN GOING ON and then it's over.
Here is the official trailer, so you know what we're getting into here:
So, let's get on to the important part:
Marcus is a hardcore Roman centurion. He wants nothing more than to be the best soldier in the whole Empire, for the glory of Rome and his family. His father, you see, tarnished the family's good name when he led the cursed Ninth Legion into Caledonia (Scotland) and never returned.
Marcus is played by Channing Tatum, who is adorable, a little dim, and built like a bunch of boxes stacked on top of each other. The man is just a square cube of beefcake.
So our dear Marcus asks to be sent to Britain, the site of his family's shame, to turn things around. And who does he find there?
...the King of Mississippi! HAY, GURL.
(No, seriously, Dennis O'Hare is awesome in this. It's even more fun if you imagine that he's really an immortal vampire scheming to take over the world behind Marcus' back. Sigh. I really miss True Blood.)
So, blah blah Marcus gets into a big battle, saves his men, is a hero....and is horribly injured. His leg is crushed and he almost dies and he wakes up to see...
Donald Sutherland in a toga! I know! Donald Sutherland seems really baffled by this turn of events as well! He is Marcus' Uncle Aquila, who Marcus has never met, but was sent to his house to recover. (Uncle Aquila lives in Calleva, in Britain, and Marcus is from Italy, too far for him to travel.) ANYWAY, Donald Sutherland in a toga nurses Marcus back to semi-health, evne though Marcus is in constant pain from his leg.
And then the sad part.
Dennis O'Hare comes riding up with the bad news:
Wait, not like that.
He comes riding up to tell Marcus that his men are proud of him (yay!) and he saved the garrison (yay!) and he won honors and a fancy bracelet from Rome (super yay!) and he was honorably discharged for the his wounds, sorry, too bad, so sad, there goes your soldiering career, kid. (Wait, what?)
Marcus is devastated. Donald Sutherland in a toga tries to help.
(Say what you will about Channing Tatum's "acting," he did do a nice job of making Marcus look ill and in pain. Suffer prettily, Marcus! We love it.)
He takes Marcus out for a nice day at the amphitheater, complete with dogfights and dirty yelling people and gladiator fights.
But wait. WHAT IS THIS?
Who is the big-ass scary gladiator fighting?
JAMIE BELL! Who is a starved, underfed, and very bendy little slave. Uncle Aquila is disgusted by the unfairness of a slave fighting a gladiator. Marcus is literally struck dumb. (Okay, he might have been a little dumb already.) He cannot speak! He is so taken by this brave young man!
...and possibly his hipbones. Can you blame him?
So the slave refuses to fight, offering himself up to the gladiator in an attempt to wrest control of his own life by giving himself his death. Marcus is so moved by this moment, he begs the crowd to spare him.
(YAY!)
So, you're thinking to yourself, "Cool! I wonder how these two crazy kids are going to get together? Surely their fates are entwined!"
Well. You are obviously thinking of a more subtle movie. Because Uncle Aquila show up while Marcus is brooding and he's all, "I brought you a present? :D? :D?" And brings out Esca, the slave, who is to be Marcus' "body-slave."
I think this is the point where etben started laughing in the theater and didn't stop until the end.
SO, yadda yadda, Esca pledges his life to Marcus for saving his, Marcus doesn't want it, etc, etc. They start to bond when Marcus has surgery on his ruined leg and Esca has to hold him down. "Homoerotic!" you might be saying to yourself.
Really, you must be thinking of a more subtle movie.
Because not only does Esca hold Marcus down, he apparently half-asses it and the doctor has to yell HOLD HIM DOWN, SLAVE. HARDER! HARDER! PUT YOUR BODY ON HIM!
I am not even fucking kidding.
Esca does not even know what he's in for here.
Ok, that got REALLY long, so more later or tomorrow, with links to fic and everything!
Part Two!
*Channing referred to the movie as "Brokeback Eagle." I did not make that shit up.
Last week, my dad, after hearing that I'd gone to see The Eagle, asked me, "Oh, how was it? Should I go see it?"
And I just kind of froze before the obvious answer ("Mom would hate it") came to me, because dude, I have no idea I have literally NO IDEA what people who are not slashers are possibly getting out of this movie. None. It's not, objectively, a very GOOD movie (though not terrible) -- it's bizarrely paced, there aren't a lot of huge fight scenes, there is no heterosexual love story (MORE ON THAT LATER) and the acting is...inconsistent.
But holy god, is it ever gay. It is not just fic, it's epic, kinky slavefic. And it's a writer's dream in that they give you just enough of the dynamics to make them really, really interesting without going into the details, so it just makes you itch to fill in the missing penetration pieces.
ON TO THE MOVIE:
Just so you know, there are both animals and children who get hurt in this movie. I am someone who is deeply disturbed by child harm and I would have liked to know about it before I went. Both scenes happen off-screen, but you know what's happening. The only saving grace here is that the child harm comes during the most ridiculous, OTT, and nonsensical battle ever, so you're too busy being like, WHAT THE HELL IS EVEN GOING ON and then it's over.
Here is the official trailer, so you know what we're getting into here:
Click to viewSo, let's get on to the important part:
Marcus is a hardcore Roman centurion. He wants nothing more than to be the best soldier in the whole Empire, for the glory of Rome and his family. His father, you see, tarnished the family's good name when he led the cursed Ninth Legion into Caledonia (Scotland) and never returned.
Marcus is played by Channing Tatum, who is adorable, a little dim, and built like a bunch of boxes stacked on top of each other. The man is just a square cube of beefcake.
So our dear Marcus asks to be sent to Britain, the site of his family's shame, to turn things around. And who does he find there?
...the King of Mississippi! HAY, GURL.
(No, seriously, Dennis O'Hare is awesome in this. It's even more fun if you imagine that he's really an immortal vampire scheming to take over the world behind Marcus' back. Sigh. I really miss True Blood.)
So, blah blah Marcus gets into a big battle, saves his men, is a hero....and is horribly injured. His leg is crushed and he almost dies and he wakes up to see...
Donald Sutherland in a toga! I know! Donald Sutherland seems really baffled by this turn of events as well! He is Marcus' Uncle Aquila, who Marcus has never met, but was sent to his house to recover. (Uncle Aquila lives in Calleva, in Britain, and Marcus is from Italy, too far for him to travel.) ANYWAY, Donald Sutherland in a toga nurses Marcus back to semi-health, evne though Marcus is in constant pain from his leg.
And then the sad part.
Dennis O'Hare comes riding up with the bad news:
Wait, not like that.
He comes riding up to tell Marcus that his men are proud of him (yay!) and he saved the garrison (yay!) and he won honors and a fancy bracelet from Rome (super yay!) and he was honorably discharged for the his wounds, sorry, too bad, so sad, there goes your soldiering career, kid. (Wait, what?)
Marcus is devastated. Donald Sutherland in a toga tries to help.
(Say what you will about Channing Tatum's "acting," he did do a nice job of making Marcus look ill and in pain. Suffer prettily, Marcus! We love it.)
He takes Marcus out for a nice day at the amphitheater, complete with dogfights and dirty yelling people and gladiator fights.
But wait. WHAT IS THIS?
Who is the big-ass scary gladiator fighting?
JAMIE BELL! Who is a starved, underfed, and very bendy little slave. Uncle Aquila is disgusted by the unfairness of a slave fighting a gladiator. Marcus is literally struck dumb. (Okay, he might have been a little dumb already.) He cannot speak! He is so taken by this brave young man!
...and possibly his hipbones. Can you blame him?
So the slave refuses to fight, offering himself up to the gladiator in an attempt to wrest control of his own life by giving himself his death. Marcus is so moved by this moment, he begs the crowd to spare him.
(YAY!)
So, you're thinking to yourself, "Cool! I wonder how these two crazy kids are going to get together? Surely their fates are entwined!"
Well. You are obviously thinking of a more subtle movie. Because Uncle Aquila show up while Marcus is brooding and he's all, "I brought you a present? :D? :D?" And brings out Esca, the slave, who is to be Marcus' "body-slave."
I think this is the point where etben started laughing in the theater and didn't stop until the end.
SO, yadda yadda, Esca pledges his life to Marcus for saving his, Marcus doesn't want it, etc, etc. They start to bond when Marcus has surgery on his ruined leg and Esca has to hold him down. "Homoerotic!" you might be saying to yourself.
Really, you must be thinking of a more subtle movie.
Because not only does Esca hold Marcus down, he apparently half-asses it and the doctor has to yell HOLD HIM DOWN, SLAVE. HARDER! HARDER! PUT YOUR BODY ON HIM!
I am not even fucking kidding.
Esca does not even know what he's in for here.
Ok, that got REALLY long, so more later or tomorrow, with links to fic and everything!
Part Two!
*Channing referred to the movie as "Brokeback Eagle." I did not make that shit up.