7 Deadly Sins - Voracious: Greed
Title: Voracious
Fandom: Doctor Who
Pairing: The Doctor/Martha Jones
Prompt: # 01 - Greed
Word Count: 1’320
Rating: PG-13
Summary: “So is that all we are, then?” she whispered, staring up at him sadly, eyes brimming with tears that she simply refused to let fall. “A distraction?” 10Martha.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Doctor Who. Thank RTD and the BBC.
Author's Notes: No 1 in my 7 Deadly Sins Series. Very 10Martha. Don’t like? Don’t read. Simple as, really. Set mid-series 3, no spoilers.
OoOoOoOoOoO
Voracious
His desires were insatiable, clawing away relentlessly at his soul as he struggled against his inhibitions.
It wasn’t right, and it wasn’t fair. He’d had his chance already, had it and lost it. In fact, he’d had more than enough chances. So many companions, so many hidden loves and buried secrets. And each and every one had killed him that little bit more.
And yet still, here stood his latest companion, her dark eyes wide and staring, glinting with anxiety and the faintest trace of mute hope as she shrugged silently out of her cardigan, hanging it over an arm rest and watching him apprehensively.
This wasn’t right.
This wasn’t right and he knew it.
So why were his legs carrying him forwards without his say-so?
Why did he put himself through it?
Greed. The only word for it. He couldn’t quench the aching need, the incurable desire for company, for somebody to share the Universe with. It was a long-since accepted fact, now; he needed people with him, laughing, crying, joking, running, screaming, shouting, venting …
And there was nothing he could do, no power in the Universe strong enough to quell his boundless craving for company.
“Martha …”
But he fell silent, clearing his throat as the croaky huskiness of that one simple word echoed ominously around the Console Room.
She shook her head once, a hungry smile slowly spreading across her face despite her attempts to contain it, as she watched in silence, heart racing beneath her ribs as he approached her, step after painfully slow step.
But then he stopped, biting down hard on his lip and forcing himself to tear his gaze away from her.
“I can’t,” he less than whispered, shaking his head in desperation. “Please, I can’t. It’s not fair. Not fair on you, not fair on them!”
“Doctor … they’d want you to move on,” was all she said, tones quiet and eyes betraying her anxiety as she fought to keep her expression passive. ‘Am I pushing too hard?’ she thought, fingers fiddling with a stray thread of cotton hanging from her top.
She knew his reservations, knew them all too well.
He was afraid.
Afraid that if he opened up to her, she’d vanish, just like the rest of them had.
So many companions, so much heart-break.
And he was afraid that her mark on his hearts would soon tear them in the same way that the rest had.
Then there was the guilt, the feeling that he was betraying the memory of all those he’d lost already. If only she could make him see that it wasn’t betrayal at all. Not one of his companions would ever have wanted him to be alone.
And only he seemed to be too blind to see that.
Dropping her gaze, she sighed heavily and shrugged nonchalantly.
“I’m here, Doctor,” she said softly, rising to her feet, respecting his wishes because she understood them, but hating herself for giving in so easily. “I’m here if you need me.”
And she turned to leave.
Only to be stopped a moment later when his hand enclosed around her wrist, turning her back to face him, the tumult of emotions burning within his auburn orbs so intense that she found herself drowning in his gaze.
“I shouldn’t,” he whispered, voice hoarse and a trembling hand lifting a stray lock of hair from her face, tucking it delicately behind her ear. “I shouldn’t but I can’t help it.”
Martha remained silent, quite sure he’d robbed her of her voice.
“I shouldn’t want it. I shouldn’t need it. But I do. Every time one person leaves, I need someone else, because if I’m on my own, I think. And it hurts to think, Martha, it really hurts!”
“So is that all we are, then?” she whispered, staring up at him sadly, eyes brimming with tears that she simply refused to let fall. “A distraction? A way for you to ignore the pain?”
He hesitated, then shook his head.
“No,” he replied, running the pad of his thumb over her cheek. “Not one of you has ever just been a distraction. And it’s because of that that I just can’t do it. I can’t betray them. And I can’t hurt you by giving in only to have to watch it all crumble away around us. You’re going to leave, and I’m going to be alone again. And if I give in, it’s going to hurt us both.”
“I don’t care,” she murmured, shaking her head and letting the tears fall. “I don’t care how much it’s going to hurt, Doctor, ‘cause it hurts already! It hurts that you can’t forget the others enough to let me in. It hurts to think that you let them in but only now decide to discipline yourself. It hurts that you can’t trust me enough to let me help.”
He shook his head vehemently, mutely begging for her to understand.
“I do trust you!” he told her firmly, hands squeezing her shoulders in comfort. “And I’m doing this now because I’ve seen it all burn too many times. I don’t want to put you through that. I’m not worth it!”
Martha’s eyes widened in shock and she choked back a sob.
“How can you say that?” she demanded, tones hushed in disbelief. “How can you say you’re not worth it? You’re worth every minute of it!”
Shaking his head, he pulled away and ran a hand over his eyes, trying to blot out her words but failing miserably as they echoed annoyingly around his head.
“Don’t,” he whispered.
She ignored him.
“So many people would die for you, Doctor. Me included. Because we all know the same thing. We all know how much the Universe needs you! So how you can stand there and say you’re not worth it I just don’t know.”
“Martha, please -”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t help how I feel. I get that you can’t return it. Really I do, but I can’t help but wonder what use I am to you, if not as little more than a distraction.”
Hands trembling as he ran them across his face before dragging them through his hair, he was struggling so damn hard to ignore the roaring emotions welling within his chest.
But he couldn’t.
Broken, confused and guilt-ridden, he turned on the spot, took one look at her, drinking in her pained expression and the not-so-subtle hint of regretted desperation behind the hazy film of tears.
Greed and guilt battled it out against one another inside him.
And greed won the fight.
Pulling her in without another thought, he kissed her, unable to find the words that he so dearly needed to say and instead trying to portray his feelings in a way that she could hopefully understand. Pouring as much as he possibly could into one simple act of total spontaneity, his first move was hesitant but heart-felt.
But it didn’t stay that way for long.
And for a few moments, it didn’t matter that he was going to lose her eventually, that she was going to leave and he was going to need somebody else, need another companion to share the Universe with. It didn’t matter that he’d gone ahead and done the very thing he’d sworn to himself he’d never do again; gone ahead and fallen for another companion, another friend. It didn’t matter that taking things one step further was going to change them both, change what they’d had, nor that he couldn’t be sure yet if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
All that mattered was that, as she returned it, her hands looping and linking around his neck in a vain attempt to ascertain that he really was there, the aching need in his hearts was momentarily silenced.
Too bad the desires, the feelings, the greed couldn’t be silenced as easily.
OoOoOoOoOoO
7 Deadly Sins Table
Fandom: Doctor Who
Pairing: The Doctor/Martha Jones
Prompt: # 01 - Greed
Word Count: 1’320
Rating: PG-13
Summary: “So is that all we are, then?” she whispered, staring up at him sadly, eyes brimming with tears that she simply refused to let fall. “A distraction?” 10Martha.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Doctor Who. Thank RTD and the BBC.
Author's Notes: No 1 in my 7 Deadly Sins Series. Very 10Martha. Don’t like? Don’t read. Simple as, really. Set mid-series 3, no spoilers.
OoOoOoOoOoO
Voracious
His desires were insatiable, clawing away relentlessly at his soul as he struggled against his inhibitions.
It wasn’t right, and it wasn’t fair. He’d had his chance already, had it and lost it. In fact, he’d had more than enough chances. So many companions, so many hidden loves and buried secrets. And each and every one had killed him that little bit more.
And yet still, here stood his latest companion, her dark eyes wide and staring, glinting with anxiety and the faintest trace of mute hope as she shrugged silently out of her cardigan, hanging it over an arm rest and watching him apprehensively.
This wasn’t right.
This wasn’t right and he knew it.
So why were his legs carrying him forwards without his say-so?
Why did he put himself through it?
Greed. The only word for it. He couldn’t quench the aching need, the incurable desire for company, for somebody to share the Universe with. It was a long-since accepted fact, now; he needed people with him, laughing, crying, joking, running, screaming, shouting, venting …
And there was nothing he could do, no power in the Universe strong enough to quell his boundless craving for company.
“Martha …”
But he fell silent, clearing his throat as the croaky huskiness of that one simple word echoed ominously around the Console Room.
She shook her head once, a hungry smile slowly spreading across her face despite her attempts to contain it, as she watched in silence, heart racing beneath her ribs as he approached her, step after painfully slow step.
But then he stopped, biting down hard on his lip and forcing himself to tear his gaze away from her.
“I can’t,” he less than whispered, shaking his head in desperation. “Please, I can’t. It’s not fair. Not fair on you, not fair on them!”
“Doctor … they’d want you to move on,” was all she said, tones quiet and eyes betraying her anxiety as she fought to keep her expression passive. ‘Am I pushing too hard?’ she thought, fingers fiddling with a stray thread of cotton hanging from her top.
She knew his reservations, knew them all too well.
He was afraid.
Afraid that if he opened up to her, she’d vanish, just like the rest of them had.
So many companions, so much heart-break.
And he was afraid that her mark on his hearts would soon tear them in the same way that the rest had.
Then there was the guilt, the feeling that he was betraying the memory of all those he’d lost already. If only she could make him see that it wasn’t betrayal at all. Not one of his companions would ever have wanted him to be alone.
And only he seemed to be too blind to see that.
Dropping her gaze, she sighed heavily and shrugged nonchalantly.
“I’m here, Doctor,” she said softly, rising to her feet, respecting his wishes because she understood them, but hating herself for giving in so easily. “I’m here if you need me.”
And she turned to leave.
Only to be stopped a moment later when his hand enclosed around her wrist, turning her back to face him, the tumult of emotions burning within his auburn orbs so intense that she found herself drowning in his gaze.
“I shouldn’t,” he whispered, voice hoarse and a trembling hand lifting a stray lock of hair from her face, tucking it delicately behind her ear. “I shouldn’t but I can’t help it.”
Martha remained silent, quite sure he’d robbed her of her voice.
“I shouldn’t want it. I shouldn’t need it. But I do. Every time one person leaves, I need someone else, because if I’m on my own, I think. And it hurts to think, Martha, it really hurts!”
“So is that all we are, then?” she whispered, staring up at him sadly, eyes brimming with tears that she simply refused to let fall. “A distraction? A way for you to ignore the pain?”
He hesitated, then shook his head.
“No,” he replied, running the pad of his thumb over her cheek. “Not one of you has ever just been a distraction. And it’s because of that that I just can’t do it. I can’t betray them. And I can’t hurt you by giving in only to have to watch it all crumble away around us. You’re going to leave, and I’m going to be alone again. And if I give in, it’s going to hurt us both.”
“I don’t care,” she murmured, shaking her head and letting the tears fall. “I don’t care how much it’s going to hurt, Doctor, ‘cause it hurts already! It hurts that you can’t forget the others enough to let me in. It hurts to think that you let them in but only now decide to discipline yourself. It hurts that you can’t trust me enough to let me help.”
He shook his head vehemently, mutely begging for her to understand.
“I do trust you!” he told her firmly, hands squeezing her shoulders in comfort. “And I’m doing this now because I’ve seen it all burn too many times. I don’t want to put you through that. I’m not worth it!”
Martha’s eyes widened in shock and she choked back a sob.
“How can you say that?” she demanded, tones hushed in disbelief. “How can you say you’re not worth it? You’re worth every minute of it!”
Shaking his head, he pulled away and ran a hand over his eyes, trying to blot out her words but failing miserably as they echoed annoyingly around his head.
“Don’t,” he whispered.
She ignored him.
“So many people would die for you, Doctor. Me included. Because we all know the same thing. We all know how much the Universe needs you! So how you can stand there and say you’re not worth it I just don’t know.”
“Martha, please -”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t help how I feel. I get that you can’t return it. Really I do, but I can’t help but wonder what use I am to you, if not as little more than a distraction.”
Hands trembling as he ran them across his face before dragging them through his hair, he was struggling so damn hard to ignore the roaring emotions welling within his chest.
But he couldn’t.
Broken, confused and guilt-ridden, he turned on the spot, took one look at her, drinking in her pained expression and the not-so-subtle hint of regretted desperation behind the hazy film of tears.
Greed and guilt battled it out against one another inside him.
And greed won the fight.
Pulling her in without another thought, he kissed her, unable to find the words that he so dearly needed to say and instead trying to portray his feelings in a way that she could hopefully understand. Pouring as much as he possibly could into one simple act of total spontaneity, his first move was hesitant but heart-felt.
But it didn’t stay that way for long.
And for a few moments, it didn’t matter that he was going to lose her eventually, that she was going to leave and he was going to need somebody else, need another companion to share the Universe with. It didn’t matter that he’d gone ahead and done the very thing he’d sworn to himself he’d never do again; gone ahead and fallen for another companion, another friend. It didn’t matter that taking things one step further was going to change them both, change what they’d had, nor that he couldn’t be sure yet if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
All that mattered was that, as she returned it, her hands looping and linking around his neck in a vain attempt to ascertain that he really was there, the aching need in his hearts was momentarily silenced.
Too bad the desires, the feelings, the greed couldn’t be silenced as easily.
OoOoOoOoOoO
7 Deadly Sins Table