Glee Fic: Broken Bottles Form a Star
Title: Broken Bottles Form a Star
Characters/Pairings: Emma, Blaine, Will, Kurt; Kurt/Blaine, Will/Emma
Rating: PG
Spoilers/Warnings: through 3x09; language, Will appearances
Word Count: ~6,900
Disclaimer: The title is from "Broken Bottles Form a Star (Prelude)" by Snow Patrol.
Summary: Emma Pillsbury advises Blaine Anderson on his college applications during his senior year.
A/N: First of all, thank you sun_and_rain for collaborating with me in regards for Blaine's potential schools to apply at, especially since her Blaine is my Blaine <3 Secondly, I want to thank firstbreaths and xsaturated for being my cheerleaders in regards to this quirky friendship. Lastly, thank you to valentina_says for looking over this and encouraging me that it's decent enough for posting.
NOW ON AO3!
Broken Bottles Form a Star
Emma Pillsbury-Schuester adores the first day of school. New supplies, the school freshly cleaned, a brand new outfit to start the year off right.
Every year she'll greet teachers she hasn't seen all summer with polite smiles and waves; she'll pointedly ignore Sue; she'll smile at students with the hopes that they'll come to her for anything. But this year she'll do it all while holding her husband's hand, grounding her with every step.
As the day goes on, she'll recognize a lot of faces, study new ones, and miss the ones who used to brighten her days with music.
That's probably what makes this first day so much harder than the others: there is no Rachel Berry - always shining and demanding attention; there is no Kurt Hummel - constantly fighting concepts that so many adults won't ever understand; there is no Finn Hudson - trying to juggle two social circles as best he can; there is no Mercedes Jones, no Mike Chang, no Santana Lopez, no Noah Puckerman, no Quinn Fabray.
She doesn't want to admit it, but McKinley High School just lost a lot of its vibrancy.
But that's the great thing about high school - with every graduating class brings a new freshman class. New little miracles can happen in these halls and maybe, what those misfit kids sparked will burn brighter with new torch carriers.
But with a polite knock on her door during fifth period, interrupting her scheduled fifteen minutes of file reorganization does she remember that some of those kids are still here, more than ever wanting to make a real difference.
She gestures Blaine Anderson to come into her office as she quickly puts away her files. She likes this boy a lot - he was such a pleasure to work with in West Side Story and his sense of fashion is adorable.
"Hi, Mrs. - would you prefer Mrs. Schuester, or -"
"Mrs. Pillsbury is just fine," she says with a smile, her insides growing warm and fuzzy at being known as Mrs. Schuester. But for the sake of ease (and the lack of intelligence with so many of the returning students), she won't ask kids to call her that or change her name in the school directory.
Blaine smiles and nods. "Did I interrupt anything? I can always come back after school, if that's easier."
"No, no, sit down! You're fine."
Blaine lowers his satchel to the floor folds his hands over his lap, his back pin-straight. She always wanted to ask Blaine how he could possibly adjust to McKinley with his polite and gentlemanly nature, his selfless tendencies. But he never took advantage of her outreach to him last year when he first transferred, so she should let that go.
"So, Blaine, welcome back."
"Thank you, it's…strange to be back."
Without Kurt hangs in the silence.
"I'm here, actually, to talk about applying to colleges," Blaine says smoothly, effectively taking away her opportunity to ask him about the too personal. She doesn't blame him.
"Of course, you're a senior," she says more to herself than to him. "Do you have any idea where you want to go?"
He reaches for his satchel, a sheepish expression on his face. "Well, not exactly, but I do have a list of places that I've been looking at," he answers as he pulls out a rather thick manila folder.
…Wow. She has never dealt with a senior who came legitimately prepared before. It's rather refreshing, to be honest.
He hands over the manila folder, which she takes after a second of disbelief. She flips it open, pleased to see that the first paper has "List of Possible Colleges and Universities" typed on top.
There are fourteen. And to her immense surprise, only two of them are in New York City.
She always assumed he would have tunnel vision like Rachel and Kurt about wanting to go to New York City. And maybe that's a huge problem - she can't assume anything about a student based upon his or her company.
She glances up at him, his cheeks tinged pink. "Well, um, this is certainly…extensive," she stammers as she flips through pages, finding pros and cons to all the schools listed. She thinks he'd benefit more from an adult who works at a school like Dalton, who probably deals with this with all her students.
But he came to her, so she's going to do her very best to help Blaine Anderson through the difficult college process.
"I'm doing my best to eliminate them - I got rid of five last night," he says, his face still pink.
"So we're down to nine?" she clarifies, just about ready to open her drawer to pull out a new red pen to cross them out.
"No, that's the current list. There were nineteen before."
As he turns redder, she states, "I'm going to help you narrow these down, don't worry. I've read that kids these days are applying to over an average of ten colleges, so this is completely normal."
Blaine nods to himself and it breaks her heart for some reason.
"Also, I was…" he clears his throat, "I was hoping you could maybe write one of my college recommendations?"
Her eyes soften as she brings a hand to her heart in surprise. "Really?"
He smiles. "Yes, if you wouldn't mind. I understand if -"
"No!" she interrupts him. "I mean -" she stutters as she notices his face falling a little, "- I want to. I'd be honored. It's no trouble at all." She smiles at him with teary eyes and pulls out of her chair to walk over to him and place a hand over his. "Thank you for asking."
He blushes and grins as he looks down. "Thank you," he says, looking directly at her.
Sighing, she removes her hand from his and claps hers together. "Well! Just let me know when letters should be sent out by."
"And I'll provide envelops and stamps," he quickly adds.
She nods, beaming. "Alrighty then! I'm looking forward to helping you with the college process."
He beams, back making her want to pinch his cheeks. "Thank you so much, Mrs. Pillsbury. I really appreciate it."
"It's my pleasure."
Finally - it's so nice to have students remember that she exists, that students can come to her for anything.
It's nice being able to do her job.
---
A week later he comes by again, same day, fifth period. He knocks and politely waits for her to call him in (she's tempted to tell him that it's not necessary, but she thinks people with manners are so rare at McKinley, and she rather likes being treated with the respect she deserves as a teacher).
"Hi, Blaine! I heard New Directions managed to attract four new people!" she says once he closes the door behind him.
He grins with pride. "Yeah, it's amazing. We still need four more people to compete, but we're really happy."
"I see being made captain was a good thing," she adds, tempted to wink at him, but she's been told by Will that when she does that, she looks like she's been attacked with pepper spray, so she settles with another smile.
He blushes. "It was a group effort," he responds, looking away with a bashful expression. "I have a rough draft of my main essay," he says to change the subject, the pink of his cheeks slowly disappearing. He bites his bottom lip for a second. "Rough being the key word. I was hoping maybe -"
"I'd love to look over it."
He smiles, looking so relieved and Emma has to wonder why he expects rejection all the time.
The essay is written well, she can pick up his personality from it, which is important, but -
"Blaine," she prefaces, clearing her throat. She wants to say this in the gentlest way possible, and yet come across the way she wants also. "This is written beautifully, it really is, but…you might want to focus on yourself more?"
He blinks in confusion. "What do you mean?" he asks, quirking his head to the side.
"I mean…this is a wonderful essay…about Kurt. I think you should try writing about your growth as a person from a different angle."
His shoulders slump a bit. "Kurt has been the most important part, though," he says, like it's normal for a high school romance to affect someone so profoundly. "It's just hard to distinguish between us sometimes. My thoughts are his and his are mine - we tell each other everything. When I talk about him…it's like I'm talking about my better half."
Maybe it's because Emma's a little bitter towards the concept, especially in regards to Will and Terri and how much longer their relationship lasted than it should've, but high school romances are not all they're cracked up to be. And with the growing rate of divorces, she's very wary of high school students claiming they'll be with his or her significant other forever.
But when she looks into Blaine's hazel eyes that are really quite magical, she believes him.
"That may be true," she concedes, wishing her eyes weren't teary (that speech of his was so romantic). "But in the eyes of these colleges, they won't take it seriously, I'm afraid."
He's looking down at his feet, but he nods slowly. "Okay, I understand. I'll think of something else."
"You should talk about something else you're passionate about - like singing? Or…what else do you like to do?"
Blaine looks up at the ceiling and thinks for a few moments. "I love fencing - I was on the fencing team at Dalton. I haven't done it much since transferring, though."
She laces her hands together and rests her chin on them. "Maybe you can write about what fencing or singing has taught you - lessons or techniques that can apply to other areas of your life?"
His eyes light up and this is why she's an educator.
---
Next week he comes in with a stack of papers freshly printed from the school library. When she looks over her desk to see what he's filling out, she's surprised to see "The Common Application" in big letters at the top.
"Isn't that online nowadays?"
Blaine nods, only looking up for a second before focusing on what he's writing. "Yes, but I like to handwrite everything beforehand."
"Wow, that's…very unusual for a someone your age."
He smiles. "Yeah, I know. I handwrite papers too. The internet can be a very tempting thing, not to mention extremely distracting." He writes some more in silence. Once he finishes the page, he looks up at her and says, "Dalton ingrained a lot of work habits that aren't very necessary here since the workload is remarkably lighter, but I don't want to get out of practice."
When she goes home tonight, she's going to ask Will how it feels to have a second adult in the choir room.
---
On back to school night, she half-expects Blaine's parents to come by her office, inquiring about her time spent with their son.
All she receives is an e-mail, asking for a general update and a tacked-on apology for not being about to make it.
She rants to Will for over twenty minutes about it.
---
Blaine gives her a stack of stamped and marked envelopes.
"There are eleven," he points out, pride evident in his voice. “I've decided that Cornell, UPenn, and Northwestern weren't really for me."
"That's great - it's good narrow things down." She flips through the pile and is pleased to see it's in alphabetical order.
He then hands her a list of send by dates for each college and a thank you note with a gift card to the Lima Bean.
"Oh, Blaine, thank you, you shouldn't have."
He smiles bashfully. "Of course I did. I'm not sure if you like coffee, but they have a nice tea selection and -"
"I love tea," she interrupts him with a big smile. "Thank you." She briefly touches his arm. "In fact, this is great opportunity to get Will - I mean, Mr. Schue - into tea."
"He doesn't like tea?"
"He just hasn't found the right kind."
Blaine frowns. "Have you given him herbal teas? Like chamomile? It puts me to sleep, but maybe he'll like that?"
"I usually drink a cup before I go to sleep!" she exclaims, surprised and pleased.
He grins. "Really? I do that also sometimes! Kurt makes fun of me for it."
"So does Mr. Schue. I made him try it once - he didn't like it. Nice suggestion, though," she answers sadly.
"Well, there are thousands of different kinds of teas - I'm sure there's one out there he'll like," he says.
She thinks about telling him that he would be such a wonderful teacher - his enthusiasm and optimism is infectious - but she knows teenagers aren't receptive toward suggestions like that. So she keeps her mouth closed.
---
One week he comes in with a laptop, only speaking when he has a question about answering a strangely worded question in an application.
She can feel stress radiating off him and it makes her want to clean her desk until she can see her reflection, but she forces herself to reorganize her files and write a shopping list.
---
When he comes in again with his laptop, she pulls out the tea set, a gift from Will for her birthday, and the new tea she bought from the supermarket this past weekend. She pours him a cup and when he looks at her with a quizzical expression she says, "It's lemon balm mixed with chamomile. It should help with stress."
She takes her seat behind her desk and blows air over her tea before taking a tentative sip.
Yes, this was definitely a good decision.
She smiles over her cup of tea twenty minutes later when she watches his breathing even out and his shoulders lose their rigidity as he types.
Tea becomes a staple in their weekly meetings.
---
At the end of October, he hands her a new version of his main essay.
"I know you suggested writing about fencing and how it has shaped me - I tried that, but I felt like it wasn't…it didn't really talk about me. All of me, anyway. So I started from scratch and this is what happened. Hopefully it'll be…good," he stutters, the tips of his ears. "I talked about fencing, but I also brought up my transfer to McKinley and Dalton and…everything else. They all connect. At least for me they do, so."
After she finishes reading it, with tears in her eyes, she tells him to submit it.
---
The one bit that sticks out for her the most is this line: I am a singer, a performer, a fencer, a Warbler of Dalton Academy, and member of New Directions of William McKinley High School, a Buckeyes fan, a New York Times crossword puzzler doer, a friend, and so many other things above being a gay boy who was attacked one night.
It sums him up well.
---
A week later she checks her e-mail in the morning, surprised to see one from Blaine sent at three, reading "I sent all my applications - I'm going to need a lot of tea during our meeting because I'm freaking out, to be honest."
She plans on giving him a hug as well, but she just responds with, "I'll bring some biscotti also."
---
And now they wait.
---
Emma doesn't think she'll be seeing him again, at least not until the end of March or beginning of April when he starts getting acceptance letters. But she's more than surprised to see him after Thanksgiving break, sitting in the chair across from her with a blank expression on his face.
"Blaine? Are you okay?"
It takes him a few seconds to answer. "I'm sorry. I'm just…in shock, I suppose. I haven't really properly internalized anything since this weekend."
"Wha -"
"I know that we technically don't have to meet anymore until I get acceptance and rejection letters, but I don't know where else to go and I can't -"
"Blaine!" she says loudly, wanting him to stop his rambling. "What happened?"
"I thought that maybe if I didn't talk about it, it wouldn't be real, but that's really naïve and ridiculous reasoning. I don't know why I thought it would work." He inhales shakily, his eyes shifting to meet hers for a moment before focusing on the desk between them. "Kurt broke up with me. He…it's been really hard - he's been so busy and we couldn't find times to talk, but. I just…I thought that it would get easier next semester, once he's settled down but…" he bites his bottom lip and she curls her hands into fists so her blunt nails would dig into the her palms. "It was hurting him too much. He thought this would be better."
"Do you think so?" she asks softly.
His face crumples for a moment and then straightens out, his eyes remaining glassy. He swallows and shakes his head.
She wants to press him more, get him to talk because he shouldn't be internalizing everything like this, but maybe he just needs to process.
---
The next week he doesn't speak - he just sits there, not doing anything, seemingly lost in his own world. She pours him tea, which he takes automatically, but she thinks he does it out of politeness, especially since he doesn't even bother sweetening it the way he likes.
(She's starting to grow really concerned with how much he panders to everyone - does he ever do things for himself? Are any of the colleges he applied to really what he wants? Should she have asked that herself when he was applying?)
---
"I'm never going to be able to go out with New Directions again during breaks. At least not with everyone at once," he mumbles into his hands one session.
She bites her tongue, deciding that it's probably not best for her to say that they're his friends too, not just Kurt's.
---
Not even two days after their usual meeting, Blaine comes in with crossed arms tight against his chest, his bowtie practically undone around his collar and the gel in his hair losing its hold.
"Blaine?" Emma asks, immediately getting to her feet and walking over to him.
He opens his mouth and closes it, looks up at her, his eyes watery and wide, opens his mouth again, but ends up closing it again.
To hell with being inappropriate, she thinks to himself as she brings him in for a hug. It breaks her heart to hear him cry into her shoulder and oh no, she didn't think about tears and saliva and snot possibly ruining her clothes. She freezes, torn between pushing him away to remove the sweater over her blouse and fighting through this OCD moment to comfort him.
But the desire to be clean and orderly is unbearable and she has to gently push him away. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she whispers, fluttering her hands as she looks down where Blaine's face was (her sweater is damp with only tears, but she needs to take it off, right now). "I just need to - please stay here, okay? I just need to use the bathroom, I'm sorry," she rambles, going over to her desk to pull out her cleaning supplies before rushing out of the office.
She curses herself and tries not to cry out of frustration as she cleans the fabric as best she can.
---
He's not there when she comes back. She's not surprised.
---
The last week before Christmas break, she receives a candy cane attached to a Happy Holidays! card with a cute puppy playing in the snow on it. The only words written inside are this:
Thank you for everything.
Regards,
Blaine Anderson
---
After Christmas break, she considers telling Principal Figgins to call Blaine to her office just so it won't be so awkward anymore. But to her immense surprise, he comes into office right when fifth period begins with a small, shy smile on his face.
"Hi Mrs. Pillsbury. Did you have a nice break?"
"Blaine!" she answers with almost too much cheer, but she doesn't care. "It was festive, thanks, and yours?"
"It was quiet, but…nice." He winces and she knows he's partially lying, but she doesn't question it.
"I'm glad you came in because I wanted to apologize."
His eyes widen. "For what?"
"For the way I…behaved the last time you were in here. I'm -"
"It's okay. Tina…informed me over break," he interrupts her, still wincing. "I should've apologized for putting you in that position, but I was…embarrassed."
"You shouldn't have been. I'm sorry for making you feel that way. Please - it was nothing personal," she tells him, hoping he'll understand.
They smile at each other and the tension eases a little.
Baby steps, as every recovery book has said on the matter.
Emma supposes she can apply it here.
---
The next week, he comes in with all his notebooks and textbooks since midterms are coming up. She lets him study in peace and pours him tea.
"Make sure to not pull all-nighters, I read that you need at least six to eight hours of sleep before tests," she tells him when she notices the bags under his eyes.
He looks up from one of his textbooks and smiles. "I know. Studying just helps me keep busy."
She wants to ask what he's trying to not think about, but he goes back to his textbook, blocking the world out. She convinces herself that it's too fragile right now and she doesn't want to push him away, not again.
---
After midterms, he comes in, sits down and says, "I know that…we technically don't have to meet anymore, but…I was hoping I could still come. If you're not busy or have meetings, of course," a blush growing on his face as his eyes remain steady on hers.
She nods quickly. "Yes, of course you can come. My door is always open, Blaine."
He nods, shifting a little in his chair.
"Did your midterms go well?" she asks.
"Yes, they went well, thank you." He smiles briefly at her before looking down at his lap.
"You know there's a confidentiality between us - anything you say in here I'm not allowed to disclose."
"I know, but…" he bites his lip. "It's rather personal and I'm not sure if it's so appropriate to tell a teacher."
She shrugs. "Think of it this way - I chose to go into school counseling as opposed to private practice. You could think of me as a psychologist, if it helps."
She waits for him to gather his thoughts and make his decision.
"I just…sometimes I feel like my consistency is expected. And I pride myself in that - people see me as trustworthy and I like being there for people. But…" he takes a deep breath. "I know it can be taken advantage of, but I didn't think that…Kurt would do that," he finishes in a murmur. He finally looks up. "I won't get into the details, but…you know what happens on New Year's when the clock strikes twelve and just. He assumed I wasn't seeing anyone and he - what if I didn't want to? What made him think - after we haven't spoken in over a month and," he groans in frustration, dropping his head into his hands.
"…Have you guys talked about it?" she asks, trying to fight her desire to cover her ears because she doesn't like thinking about her students doing things like that.
"He's called me, but…I'm afraid I'm going to say something I'll really regret," he admits. "I thought after I…thought about it. Processed it. I'll be able to figure out what I want to do."
"That's…very mature of you." Not that she's surprised.
He shakes his head. "I've heard it's cowardly."
"It's not cowardly, Blaine. You want to handle this responsibly. Which is more than a lot of teenagers, even adults, can say. But…"
He cocks his head to the side, waiting for her to continue.
"But I think it may help to talk about it with Kurt. That way you can both figure things out together. Isn't that what's most important in a relationship? Communication?"
"Yeah, of course, I was going to, but I'm not -"
"I know you're not sure," she finishes for him softly. "But have you thought that maybe Kurt needs to talk about it with you? Maybe it'll help you both."
He clenches his jaw and breathes deeply through his nose. "I'm sorry I'm unloading all this on you -"
"Don't you dare apologize, Blaine Anderson - I won't have it!" she says a little louder than she meant to, but it was really upsetting her that he would continue to apologize for needing to talk to people, to ask adults for advice like a normal kid.
His smile is faint. "Okay."
She nods, a little out of breath. "Okay. Good."
---
Kurt isn't brought up again until mid-February, around Valentine's Day, when Blaine comes in a little sadder than usual.
She hands him a little baggy of candy hearts, which brings a smile to his face.
---
"Kurt and I are talking," Blaine says in a rush as he walks into her office.
"Oh! Well, that's good," she stutters, putting away the itinerary she's writing up for when Will's parents come into town this weekend.
"Yeah. I really, really missed being friends with him - we always talked about everything, so it's good. But…"
"You miss him," she concludes.
He nods, his eyes wide and sad. "I do. But…I'll deal with it. He's worth it."
She's so close to saying that he doesn't deserve this, that it's unfair that he punishes himself like this. But she knows he won't take it well, or he'll misunderstand, somehow.
---
A few weeks pass with Blaine silently doing homework and Emma filling out paper work and organizing her files.
It's nice.
---
"So…Blaine's been coming to your office again?" Will asks while he and Emma are eating lunch together in the teacher’s lounge.
"Yes, he is. Why? Is he doing okay?"
He chuckles. "Well, you would know, right?" He nudges her.
She blushes. "Yes, well, you're with him in a different environment - how's he doing in glee club?"
He nods. "He's good - a great leader. He's done an amazing job with bringing everyone together."
"That's good!"
"Yeah…New Directions is really going to miss him next year," he says sadly. "I'm giving him a great solo for Regionals since, to be honest, I don't think we're ready for Nationals this year, being such a young team and all."
She brings a comforting hand to his forearm.
It will devastate Blaine, but she's confident that the loss won't slow him down.
---
The day before her meeting with Blaine, Kurt Hummel visits her in her office.
"Kurt!" she exclaims, hopping her feet in surprise and happiness. She's never seen a successful McKinley High graduate actually visit during a school break.
"Hi, Mrs. Pillsbury, how are you?" he asks, sauntering with a grace she wish she had over to the chair Blaine usually occupies.
"I'm very well, thank you, and how are you? How is New York?"
He beams. "It's amazing. Everything I could've hoped for and more."
"I'm glad. You deserve it."
He preens under her praise for a few moments before his eyes become thoughtful. She knows what he's going to say before he opens his mouth: "Blaine's told me that you've been meeting with him about college and…other things."
She frowns a little. "We have a strict student-counselor -"
"I know that, but I was just…is he doing okay?" he asks, cutting her off, genuine concern on his face.
She shouldn't be so biased towards Blaine - she shouldn't be so personally invested in Blaine's life the way she is, but it's hard because she knows he comes home to an empty home more than not and he doesn't seem to let a lot of people be close to him. It really breaks her heart.
"Why don't you ask him yourself?" she inquires softly, not liking the way he tenses at her words.
"You know Blaine," Kurt answers, trying to keep his tone light, "always trying to make it look like he's perfectly happy."
She does know, but she thinks Kurt sort of lost that right of claiming to know Blaine so well when months have passed since he ended their relationship. But he'll learn eventually.
Besides, even though Kurt holds himself tall and walks around like he's cultured and knows the world, he's still only eighteen. He's a child and he's got a lot more growing up to do.
"Well, as I said, student-guidance counselor confidentiality, but he's doing fine."
Even though she can still be naïve at times, she prides herself with her rare moments of cunning - it seems Kurt cares too much about Blaine, judging by his frustration with her vagueness.
---
She never does mention that meeting to Blaine, but she's definitely noticed that he seems a little more chipper than usual after that.
---
Over the next two weeks, Blaine starts hearing back from the eleven schools he applied.
By the second of April, he has eleven acceptance letters and a month to decide on which one he's going to.
On the third of April Blaine comes into her office, seemingly at ease, but once he sits down, he leans forward and his eyes widen with pure desperation. "I need help."
She rests her forearms on her desk and leans in a little. "That's what I'm here for."
---
OSU is immediately the first to go because it was only a safety school and Blaine has no desire to live here any longer than he has to, so that's easy. But it takes him three days to officially reject Stanford and Berkeley, claiming that California is too far his liking.
"Besides," he says, smiling in a sheepish manner, "I doubt I could fit into California."
"I find that hard to believe - you're very good at adjusting. But if you're sure…"
He nods. "I'm sure."
She hands him her red pen and he carefully crosses off the two universities.
Eight left to choose from.
---
Over the weekend she gets e-mails about his crossing Brown and Ithaca off his list and for a few days, she thinks that maybe deciding on a college won't be so hard on Blaine.
That is until he arrives for his usual session, dark shadows under his eyes.
"Blaine?" she inquires with concern.
"I don't think I want to go to NYU," he admits in a low voice, taking a seat.
Her eyes widen at the implication. NYU is the closest school to NYADA that he applied to, so that must be a huge decision for him. "Oh. You're sure? You still have a few -"
Blaine nods. "Yeah, I'm sure. It just - I can see myself liking it there, I do. Steinhardt is an amazing undergrad program, but…I couldn't see myself immersing into that life." He shakes head, smiling sheepishly. "That sounds stupid."
"No, it doesn't - you should feel like you belong in whichever school you choose," she reassures him as best she can. "You have to do what's best for you."
Because if Blaine isn't happy, then does his relationship with Kurt have a chance of ever working again?
She thinks that maybe he's beginning to understand that a little when at the end of their meeting, he decisively crosses off NYU from his list.
---
Eventually he stops considering Syracuse an option, claiming the same reason he used to rule out NYU (maybe that's what it is, at this point, as the number of options dwindle) and he's left with four universities.
She honestly thinks that Blaine is going to choose Columbia - it's still in New York City, so he'll be on the same island as Kurt, and they can most likely pick up where they left off. But as the days pass on with Blaine unable to get past these four options, she starts reconsidering.
And finally, fourteen days before he has to come to a decision when he walks into her classroom with a devastated expression on his face, she knows which school he's eliminating.
"Not Columbia."
She nods, not bothering to ask if he's sure. He wouldn't dismiss the only remaining school in New York City, his last chance to physically be close to Kurt, if he wasn't absolutely sure that it wasn't for him.
(Three to go: University of Chicago, Princeton, and Yale, and Emma can safely say she has no idea which one he's going to end up choosing.)
---
"I just feel so badly for him," Emma says as she and Will sit across from each other to eat the meal she cooked. "It's so obvious that he loves Kurt, that Kurt is basically the light of his life, but none of the schools in New York are for him when he so badly wishes they were."
Will frowns in sympathy, reaching across the table as an offer for her to lace her hand with his. "If they're as strong as I know them to be, distance won't be the ultimate deciding factor." He squeezes her hand. "They have good heads on their shoulders and it'll work out."
Tears fill her eyes as she squeezes his hand back. "I hope so. I just want him to be happy."
She doesn't think she's actually cared so much for another student before, and she just wants all the best and wonderful things for him because no one deserves it more.
---
New Directions come in second place at Regionals. Even though it's still an amazing achievement, she still cries on the bus ride home for the seniors who should have gotten their own victory at Nationals.
"Hey, we did our best and that's all that matters," Blaine says to her when they exit the bus. His eyes are shining with tears, but he still has a smile on his face.
She tries to smile back. "Right you are."
She again thinks about telling him that he'd be an amazing teacher, but who wants to get career advice after losing your last singing competition?
---
"I have a question," she prefaces when he walks into her office ten days before he has to make a decision.
"Okay." He takes a seat and waits, encouraging with just a quirk of his mouth and the softening of his eyes.
"I know you want a liberal arts education so you can figure out what you want to do, but…I was wondering if you had any sort of ideas. You've been very vague with me and I think it might be helpful in making a final decision."
He smiles a bit ruefully. "I really wish I knew. I can see myself doing a lot of things."
"Like…" she prods him gently.
He scraps his bottom lip with teeth for a few seconds. "I can myself doing something involving music. Like, being a music teacher or maybe even a music therapist, even though Kurt used to joke that my advice doesn't exactly work half the time, but I like helping people. But I can see myself just being a normal teacher of history or English or maybe even Geometry because I aced that class in my sleep in freshman year. I can also see myself being a social worker of sorts, especially if it involves children, but I'd work with anyone or…I wouldn't mind being a school counselor, either." He blushes as he looks at her.
"Really?" She's somewhat embarrassed that her voice cracks, but he basically just hinted that she is the reason for inspiring him to consider it, which is perhaps one of the most incredible things she's ever experienced.
He nods. "I just want to keep my options open because…there's still so much of me I need to figure out, so who knows. Maybe when I go to college I could completely change my mind and decide to be a lawyer or a journalist." Then he shrugs. "I guess that's why I've been vague. It seems a lot of people know what they want to do so early and it was never that way for me."
She nods in understanding. "For the record, I think you'd make a lovely teacher or school counselor," she tells him.
He brightens. "Really?"
She considers telling him that she's been thinking it for months now and soon he'll realize that he'll gravitate towards the position sooner than he probably thinks, but she settles for, "Yes, I really do."
---
For almost a week, whenever she sits in her office and catches Blaine walking down the hallway, her heart pounds in the hope that he'll walk in and tell her what he's decided on. But every time he shrugs self-deprecatingly and shakes his head.
---
Of course he comes to her when she's least expecting it. Isn't that always how these things go?
"I've made my decision," Blaine says very calmly as she's dusting her bookshelf.
"Oh, you have? You're sure?" she stutters, twirling around to look at him and almost dropping her duster in the process.
Clearing her throat and hoping her blush will fade away, she gestures toward his usual chair as she walks back to hers and sits down.
He takes a deep breath after a beat of silence. "I've decided on Yale."
Her eyes widen in surprise, amazement, and so much she can't put into words. She helped a student get into Yale University.
"You're sure this is for you?" she pushes when she finally finds her voice because while Yale is a great school, obviously, she knows he so easily falls victim to other people's desires and forgets himself.
He smiles in a way that shows that he knows what she's thinking. "I won't deny that this makes my parents very happy and that it can potentially make Kurt happy, given that we'd only be two hours away by train and we can maybe date again -" he starts slowly, cutting himself to take a breath. "But I was there, this weekend. I went to the Open House because my parents wanted to make sure I visited Yale, Princeton, and University of Chicago before I made my final decision. And…I saw all these kids there and I - for the first time in a while, I felt like I could actually, truly belong," he accentuates, his eyes lighting up and Emma really doesn't need to hear another world, but she lets him continue. "I could see myself entering those stone buildings and hanging out in downtown New Haven, studying in that gorgeous library. And I met some really great people - I'm Facebook friends with about five of them and I find myself having a hard time imagining going to Princeton or Chicago." His breathing is a little heavier, but his eyes are still shining.
She can't help but grin widely in response. "Well, it sounds like you're very sure. I'm so happy for you, Blaine."
He nods, his smile turning to that of relief. "It feels right."
"Good."
They smile at each other for a few seconds in silence before Blaine says, "Thank you for everything you've done for me. I probably wouldn't have made any of my deadlines without you."
"I'm nothing if not very, very organized and timely." She sighs happily. "So, do you have time for tea?"
"Well…" The bell then rings, indicating the beginning of fourth period. "I'm supposed to be in AP Lit right now."
She quirks an eyebrow. "Do you need to be?"
He raises an eyebrow in return. "Not really."
"Then have a seat - we can have a celebratory drink. I'll let your teacher know your absence is excused."
He looks down at her desk, the tea set already out. "Well that was good timing on my part."
"I was hoping to branch out - try a new flavor," she explains.
"Which one?"
"Vanilla chai today."
"I'll have that, then."
She takes out two tea bags and sets them in the cups before delicately pouring the hot water.
He lifts his cup and says, "To the future."
She nods, clinking her cup with his. "To the future."
They drink their teas in peace, even though there's still a lot to look forward to. Blaine doesn't know this yet, but Principal Figgins will be calling him into his office any day now to tell him that he's valedictorian, so Blaine will need to prepare a speech for a class he's only been a part of for two years. It'll no doubt be difficult, but he's shown himself to be full of grace even in the most stressful situations.
And there's a matter of her not being on time in another aspect of her life, but she's not quite sure if it's just stress, or if it is what she thinks (hopes) it is.
But they have a little time before all of that.
Blaine pushes the sugar towards her, but she shakes her head with a smile. "It's sweet just the way it is."
Characters/Pairings: Emma, Blaine, Will, Kurt; Kurt/Blaine, Will/Emma
Rating: PG
Spoilers/Warnings: through 3x09; language, Will appearances
Word Count: ~6,900
Disclaimer: The title is from "Broken Bottles Form a Star (Prelude)" by Snow Patrol.
Summary: Emma Pillsbury advises Blaine Anderson on his college applications during his senior year.
A/N: First of all, thank you sun_and_rain for collaborating with me in regards for Blaine's potential schools to apply at, especially since her Blaine is my Blaine <3 Secondly, I want to thank firstbreaths and xsaturated for being my cheerleaders in regards to this quirky friendship. Lastly, thank you to valentina_says for looking over this and encouraging me that it's decent enough for posting.
NOW ON AO3!
Broken Bottles Form a Star
Emma Pillsbury-Schuester adores the first day of school. New supplies, the school freshly cleaned, a brand new outfit to start the year off right.
Every year she'll greet teachers she hasn't seen all summer with polite smiles and waves; she'll pointedly ignore Sue; she'll smile at students with the hopes that they'll come to her for anything. But this year she'll do it all while holding her husband's hand, grounding her with every step.
As the day goes on, she'll recognize a lot of faces, study new ones, and miss the ones who used to brighten her days with music.
That's probably what makes this first day so much harder than the others: there is no Rachel Berry - always shining and demanding attention; there is no Kurt Hummel - constantly fighting concepts that so many adults won't ever understand; there is no Finn Hudson - trying to juggle two social circles as best he can; there is no Mercedes Jones, no Mike Chang, no Santana Lopez, no Noah Puckerman, no Quinn Fabray.
She doesn't want to admit it, but McKinley High School just lost a lot of its vibrancy.
But that's the great thing about high school - with every graduating class brings a new freshman class. New little miracles can happen in these halls and maybe, what those misfit kids sparked will burn brighter with new torch carriers.
But with a polite knock on her door during fifth period, interrupting her scheduled fifteen minutes of file reorganization does she remember that some of those kids are still here, more than ever wanting to make a real difference.
She gestures Blaine Anderson to come into her office as she quickly puts away her files. She likes this boy a lot - he was such a pleasure to work with in West Side Story and his sense of fashion is adorable.
"Hi, Mrs. - would you prefer Mrs. Schuester, or -"
"Mrs. Pillsbury is just fine," she says with a smile, her insides growing warm and fuzzy at being known as Mrs. Schuester. But for the sake of ease (and the lack of intelligence with so many of the returning students), she won't ask kids to call her that or change her name in the school directory.
Blaine smiles and nods. "Did I interrupt anything? I can always come back after school, if that's easier."
"No, no, sit down! You're fine."
Blaine lowers his satchel to the floor folds his hands over his lap, his back pin-straight. She always wanted to ask Blaine how he could possibly adjust to McKinley with his polite and gentlemanly nature, his selfless tendencies. But he never took advantage of her outreach to him last year when he first transferred, so she should let that go.
"So, Blaine, welcome back."
"Thank you, it's…strange to be back."
Without Kurt hangs in the silence.
"I'm here, actually, to talk about applying to colleges," Blaine says smoothly, effectively taking away her opportunity to ask him about the too personal. She doesn't blame him.
"Of course, you're a senior," she says more to herself than to him. "Do you have any idea where you want to go?"
He reaches for his satchel, a sheepish expression on his face. "Well, not exactly, but I do have a list of places that I've been looking at," he answers as he pulls out a rather thick manila folder.
…Wow. She has never dealt with a senior who came legitimately prepared before. It's rather refreshing, to be honest.
He hands over the manila folder, which she takes after a second of disbelief. She flips it open, pleased to see that the first paper has "List of Possible Colleges and Universities" typed on top.
There are fourteen. And to her immense surprise, only two of them are in New York City.
She always assumed he would have tunnel vision like Rachel and Kurt about wanting to go to New York City. And maybe that's a huge problem - she can't assume anything about a student based upon his or her company.
She glances up at him, his cheeks tinged pink. "Well, um, this is certainly…extensive," she stammers as she flips through pages, finding pros and cons to all the schools listed. She thinks he'd benefit more from an adult who works at a school like Dalton, who probably deals with this with all her students.
But he came to her, so she's going to do her very best to help Blaine Anderson through the difficult college process.
"I'm doing my best to eliminate them - I got rid of five last night," he says, his face still pink.
"So we're down to nine?" she clarifies, just about ready to open her drawer to pull out a new red pen to cross them out.
"No, that's the current list. There were nineteen before."
As he turns redder, she states, "I'm going to help you narrow these down, don't worry. I've read that kids these days are applying to over an average of ten colleges, so this is completely normal."
Blaine nods to himself and it breaks her heart for some reason.
"Also, I was…" he clears his throat, "I was hoping you could maybe write one of my college recommendations?"
Her eyes soften as she brings a hand to her heart in surprise. "Really?"
He smiles. "Yes, if you wouldn't mind. I understand if -"
"No!" she interrupts him. "I mean -" she stutters as she notices his face falling a little, "- I want to. I'd be honored. It's no trouble at all." She smiles at him with teary eyes and pulls out of her chair to walk over to him and place a hand over his. "Thank you for asking."
He blushes and grins as he looks down. "Thank you," he says, looking directly at her.
Sighing, she removes her hand from his and claps hers together. "Well! Just let me know when letters should be sent out by."
"And I'll provide envelops and stamps," he quickly adds.
She nods, beaming. "Alrighty then! I'm looking forward to helping you with the college process."
He beams, back making her want to pinch his cheeks. "Thank you so much, Mrs. Pillsbury. I really appreciate it."
"It's my pleasure."
Finally - it's so nice to have students remember that she exists, that students can come to her for anything.
It's nice being able to do her job.
---
A week later he comes by again, same day, fifth period. He knocks and politely waits for her to call him in (she's tempted to tell him that it's not necessary, but she thinks people with manners are so rare at McKinley, and she rather likes being treated with the respect she deserves as a teacher).
"Hi, Blaine! I heard New Directions managed to attract four new people!" she says once he closes the door behind him.
He grins with pride. "Yeah, it's amazing. We still need four more people to compete, but we're really happy."
"I see being made captain was a good thing," she adds, tempted to wink at him, but she's been told by Will that when she does that, she looks like she's been attacked with pepper spray, so she settles with another smile.
He blushes. "It was a group effort," he responds, looking away with a bashful expression. "I have a rough draft of my main essay," he says to change the subject, the pink of his cheeks slowly disappearing. He bites his bottom lip for a second. "Rough being the key word. I was hoping maybe -"
"I'd love to look over it."
He smiles, looking so relieved and Emma has to wonder why he expects rejection all the time.
The essay is written well, she can pick up his personality from it, which is important, but -
"Blaine," she prefaces, clearing her throat. She wants to say this in the gentlest way possible, and yet come across the way she wants also. "This is written beautifully, it really is, but…you might want to focus on yourself more?"
He blinks in confusion. "What do you mean?" he asks, quirking his head to the side.
"I mean…this is a wonderful essay…about Kurt. I think you should try writing about your growth as a person from a different angle."
His shoulders slump a bit. "Kurt has been the most important part, though," he says, like it's normal for a high school romance to affect someone so profoundly. "It's just hard to distinguish between us sometimes. My thoughts are his and his are mine - we tell each other everything. When I talk about him…it's like I'm talking about my better half."
Maybe it's because Emma's a little bitter towards the concept, especially in regards to Will and Terri and how much longer their relationship lasted than it should've, but high school romances are not all they're cracked up to be. And with the growing rate of divorces, she's very wary of high school students claiming they'll be with his or her significant other forever.
But when she looks into Blaine's hazel eyes that are really quite magical, she believes him.
"That may be true," she concedes, wishing her eyes weren't teary (that speech of his was so romantic). "But in the eyes of these colleges, they won't take it seriously, I'm afraid."
He's looking down at his feet, but he nods slowly. "Okay, I understand. I'll think of something else."
"You should talk about something else you're passionate about - like singing? Or…what else do you like to do?"
Blaine looks up at the ceiling and thinks for a few moments. "I love fencing - I was on the fencing team at Dalton. I haven't done it much since transferring, though."
She laces her hands together and rests her chin on them. "Maybe you can write about what fencing or singing has taught you - lessons or techniques that can apply to other areas of your life?"
His eyes light up and this is why she's an educator.
---
Next week he comes in with a stack of papers freshly printed from the school library. When she looks over her desk to see what he's filling out, she's surprised to see "The Common Application" in big letters at the top.
"Isn't that online nowadays?"
Blaine nods, only looking up for a second before focusing on what he's writing. "Yes, but I like to handwrite everything beforehand."
"Wow, that's…very unusual for a someone your age."
He smiles. "Yeah, I know. I handwrite papers too. The internet can be a very tempting thing, not to mention extremely distracting." He writes some more in silence. Once he finishes the page, he looks up at her and says, "Dalton ingrained a lot of work habits that aren't very necessary here since the workload is remarkably lighter, but I don't want to get out of practice."
When she goes home tonight, she's going to ask Will how it feels to have a second adult in the choir room.
---
On back to school night, she half-expects Blaine's parents to come by her office, inquiring about her time spent with their son.
All she receives is an e-mail, asking for a general update and a tacked-on apology for not being about to make it.
She rants to Will for over twenty minutes about it.
---
Blaine gives her a stack of stamped and marked envelopes.
"There are eleven," he points out, pride evident in his voice. “I've decided that Cornell, UPenn, and Northwestern weren't really for me."
"That's great - it's good narrow things down." She flips through the pile and is pleased to see it's in alphabetical order.
He then hands her a list of send by dates for each college and a thank you note with a gift card to the Lima Bean.
"Oh, Blaine, thank you, you shouldn't have."
He smiles bashfully. "Of course I did. I'm not sure if you like coffee, but they have a nice tea selection and -"
"I love tea," she interrupts him with a big smile. "Thank you." She briefly touches his arm. "In fact, this is great opportunity to get Will - I mean, Mr. Schue - into tea."
"He doesn't like tea?"
"He just hasn't found the right kind."
Blaine frowns. "Have you given him herbal teas? Like chamomile? It puts me to sleep, but maybe he'll like that?"
"I usually drink a cup before I go to sleep!" she exclaims, surprised and pleased.
He grins. "Really? I do that also sometimes! Kurt makes fun of me for it."
"So does Mr. Schue. I made him try it once - he didn't like it. Nice suggestion, though," she answers sadly.
"Well, there are thousands of different kinds of teas - I'm sure there's one out there he'll like," he says.
She thinks about telling him that he would be such a wonderful teacher - his enthusiasm and optimism is infectious - but she knows teenagers aren't receptive toward suggestions like that. So she keeps her mouth closed.
---
One week he comes in with a laptop, only speaking when he has a question about answering a strangely worded question in an application.
She can feel stress radiating off him and it makes her want to clean her desk until she can see her reflection, but she forces herself to reorganize her files and write a shopping list.
---
When he comes in again with his laptop, she pulls out the tea set, a gift from Will for her birthday, and the new tea she bought from the supermarket this past weekend. She pours him a cup and when he looks at her with a quizzical expression she says, "It's lemon balm mixed with chamomile. It should help with stress."
She takes her seat behind her desk and blows air over her tea before taking a tentative sip.
Yes, this was definitely a good decision.
She smiles over her cup of tea twenty minutes later when she watches his breathing even out and his shoulders lose their rigidity as he types.
Tea becomes a staple in their weekly meetings.
---
At the end of October, he hands her a new version of his main essay.
"I know you suggested writing about fencing and how it has shaped me - I tried that, but I felt like it wasn't…it didn't really talk about me. All of me, anyway. So I started from scratch and this is what happened. Hopefully it'll be…good," he stutters, the tips of his ears. "I talked about fencing, but I also brought up my transfer to McKinley and Dalton and…everything else. They all connect. At least for me they do, so."
After she finishes reading it, with tears in her eyes, she tells him to submit it.
---
The one bit that sticks out for her the most is this line: I am a singer, a performer, a fencer, a Warbler of Dalton Academy, and member of New Directions of William McKinley High School, a Buckeyes fan, a New York Times crossword puzzler doer, a friend, and so many other things above being a gay boy who was attacked one night.
It sums him up well.
---
A week later she checks her e-mail in the morning, surprised to see one from Blaine sent at three, reading "I sent all my applications - I'm going to need a lot of tea during our meeting because I'm freaking out, to be honest."
She plans on giving him a hug as well, but she just responds with, "I'll bring some biscotti also."
---
And now they wait.
---
Emma doesn't think she'll be seeing him again, at least not until the end of March or beginning of April when he starts getting acceptance letters. But she's more than surprised to see him after Thanksgiving break, sitting in the chair across from her with a blank expression on his face.
"Blaine? Are you okay?"
It takes him a few seconds to answer. "I'm sorry. I'm just…in shock, I suppose. I haven't really properly internalized anything since this weekend."
"Wha -"
"I know that we technically don't have to meet anymore until I get acceptance and rejection letters, but I don't know where else to go and I can't -"
"Blaine!" she says loudly, wanting him to stop his rambling. "What happened?"
"I thought that maybe if I didn't talk about it, it wouldn't be real, but that's really naïve and ridiculous reasoning. I don't know why I thought it would work." He inhales shakily, his eyes shifting to meet hers for a moment before focusing on the desk between them. "Kurt broke up with me. He…it's been really hard - he's been so busy and we couldn't find times to talk, but. I just…I thought that it would get easier next semester, once he's settled down but…" he bites his bottom lip and she curls her hands into fists so her blunt nails would dig into the her palms. "It was hurting him too much. He thought this would be better."
"Do you think so?" she asks softly.
His face crumples for a moment and then straightens out, his eyes remaining glassy. He swallows and shakes his head.
She wants to press him more, get him to talk because he shouldn't be internalizing everything like this, but maybe he just needs to process.
---
The next week he doesn't speak - he just sits there, not doing anything, seemingly lost in his own world. She pours him tea, which he takes automatically, but she thinks he does it out of politeness, especially since he doesn't even bother sweetening it the way he likes.
(She's starting to grow really concerned with how much he panders to everyone - does he ever do things for himself? Are any of the colleges he applied to really what he wants? Should she have asked that herself when he was applying?)
---
"I'm never going to be able to go out with New Directions again during breaks. At least not with everyone at once," he mumbles into his hands one session.
She bites her tongue, deciding that it's probably not best for her to say that they're his friends too, not just Kurt's.
---
Not even two days after their usual meeting, Blaine comes in with crossed arms tight against his chest, his bowtie practically undone around his collar and the gel in his hair losing its hold.
"Blaine?" Emma asks, immediately getting to her feet and walking over to him.
He opens his mouth and closes it, looks up at her, his eyes watery and wide, opens his mouth again, but ends up closing it again.
To hell with being inappropriate, she thinks to himself as she brings him in for a hug. It breaks her heart to hear him cry into her shoulder and oh no, she didn't think about tears and saliva and snot possibly ruining her clothes. She freezes, torn between pushing him away to remove the sweater over her blouse and fighting through this OCD moment to comfort him.
But the desire to be clean and orderly is unbearable and she has to gently push him away. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she whispers, fluttering her hands as she looks down where Blaine's face was (her sweater is damp with only tears, but she needs to take it off, right now). "I just need to - please stay here, okay? I just need to use the bathroom, I'm sorry," she rambles, going over to her desk to pull out her cleaning supplies before rushing out of the office.
She curses herself and tries not to cry out of frustration as she cleans the fabric as best she can.
---
He's not there when she comes back. She's not surprised.
---
The last week before Christmas break, she receives a candy cane attached to a Happy Holidays! card with a cute puppy playing in the snow on it. The only words written inside are this:
Thank you for everything.
Regards,
Blaine Anderson
---
After Christmas break, she considers telling Principal Figgins to call Blaine to her office just so it won't be so awkward anymore. But to her immense surprise, he comes into office right when fifth period begins with a small, shy smile on his face.
"Hi Mrs. Pillsbury. Did you have a nice break?"
"Blaine!" she answers with almost too much cheer, but she doesn't care. "It was festive, thanks, and yours?"
"It was quiet, but…nice." He winces and she knows he's partially lying, but she doesn't question it.
"I'm glad you came in because I wanted to apologize."
His eyes widen. "For what?"
"For the way I…behaved the last time you were in here. I'm -"
"It's okay. Tina…informed me over break," he interrupts her, still wincing. "I should've apologized for putting you in that position, but I was…embarrassed."
"You shouldn't have been. I'm sorry for making you feel that way. Please - it was nothing personal," she tells him, hoping he'll understand.
They smile at each other and the tension eases a little.
Baby steps, as every recovery book has said on the matter.
Emma supposes she can apply it here.
---
The next week, he comes in with all his notebooks and textbooks since midterms are coming up. She lets him study in peace and pours him tea.
"Make sure to not pull all-nighters, I read that you need at least six to eight hours of sleep before tests," she tells him when she notices the bags under his eyes.
He looks up from one of his textbooks and smiles. "I know. Studying just helps me keep busy."
She wants to ask what he's trying to not think about, but he goes back to his textbook, blocking the world out. She convinces herself that it's too fragile right now and she doesn't want to push him away, not again.
---
After midterms, he comes in, sits down and says, "I know that…we technically don't have to meet anymore, but…I was hoping I could still come. If you're not busy or have meetings, of course," a blush growing on his face as his eyes remain steady on hers.
She nods quickly. "Yes, of course you can come. My door is always open, Blaine."
He nods, shifting a little in his chair.
"Did your midterms go well?" she asks.
"Yes, they went well, thank you." He smiles briefly at her before looking down at his lap.
"You know there's a confidentiality between us - anything you say in here I'm not allowed to disclose."
"I know, but…" he bites his lip. "It's rather personal and I'm not sure if it's so appropriate to tell a teacher."
She shrugs. "Think of it this way - I chose to go into school counseling as opposed to private practice. You could think of me as a psychologist, if it helps."
She waits for him to gather his thoughts and make his decision.
"I just…sometimes I feel like my consistency is expected. And I pride myself in that - people see me as trustworthy and I like being there for people. But…" he takes a deep breath. "I know it can be taken advantage of, but I didn't think that…Kurt would do that," he finishes in a murmur. He finally looks up. "I won't get into the details, but…you know what happens on New Year's when the clock strikes twelve and just. He assumed I wasn't seeing anyone and he - what if I didn't want to? What made him think - after we haven't spoken in over a month and," he groans in frustration, dropping his head into his hands.
"…Have you guys talked about it?" she asks, trying to fight her desire to cover her ears because she doesn't like thinking about her students doing things like that.
"He's called me, but…I'm afraid I'm going to say something I'll really regret," he admits. "I thought after I…thought about it. Processed it. I'll be able to figure out what I want to do."
"That's…very mature of you." Not that she's surprised.
He shakes his head. "I've heard it's cowardly."
"It's not cowardly, Blaine. You want to handle this responsibly. Which is more than a lot of teenagers, even adults, can say. But…"
He cocks his head to the side, waiting for her to continue.
"But I think it may help to talk about it with Kurt. That way you can both figure things out together. Isn't that what's most important in a relationship? Communication?"
"Yeah, of course, I was going to, but I'm not -"
"I know you're not sure," she finishes for him softly. "But have you thought that maybe Kurt needs to talk about it with you? Maybe it'll help you both."
He clenches his jaw and breathes deeply through his nose. "I'm sorry I'm unloading all this on you -"
"Don't you dare apologize, Blaine Anderson - I won't have it!" she says a little louder than she meant to, but it was really upsetting her that he would continue to apologize for needing to talk to people, to ask adults for advice like a normal kid.
His smile is faint. "Okay."
She nods, a little out of breath. "Okay. Good."
---
Kurt isn't brought up again until mid-February, around Valentine's Day, when Blaine comes in a little sadder than usual.
She hands him a little baggy of candy hearts, which brings a smile to his face.
---
"Kurt and I are talking," Blaine says in a rush as he walks into her office.
"Oh! Well, that's good," she stutters, putting away the itinerary she's writing up for when Will's parents come into town this weekend.
"Yeah. I really, really missed being friends with him - we always talked about everything, so it's good. But…"
"You miss him," she concludes.
He nods, his eyes wide and sad. "I do. But…I'll deal with it. He's worth it."
She's so close to saying that he doesn't deserve this, that it's unfair that he punishes himself like this. But she knows he won't take it well, or he'll misunderstand, somehow.
---
A few weeks pass with Blaine silently doing homework and Emma filling out paper work and organizing her files.
It's nice.
---
"So…Blaine's been coming to your office again?" Will asks while he and Emma are eating lunch together in the teacher’s lounge.
"Yes, he is. Why? Is he doing okay?"
He chuckles. "Well, you would know, right?" He nudges her.
She blushes. "Yes, well, you're with him in a different environment - how's he doing in glee club?"
He nods. "He's good - a great leader. He's done an amazing job with bringing everyone together."
"That's good!"
"Yeah…New Directions is really going to miss him next year," he says sadly. "I'm giving him a great solo for Regionals since, to be honest, I don't think we're ready for Nationals this year, being such a young team and all."
She brings a comforting hand to his forearm.
It will devastate Blaine, but she's confident that the loss won't slow him down.
---
The day before her meeting with Blaine, Kurt Hummel visits her in her office.
"Kurt!" she exclaims, hopping her feet in surprise and happiness. She's never seen a successful McKinley High graduate actually visit during a school break.
"Hi, Mrs. Pillsbury, how are you?" he asks, sauntering with a grace she wish she had over to the chair Blaine usually occupies.
"I'm very well, thank you, and how are you? How is New York?"
He beams. "It's amazing. Everything I could've hoped for and more."
"I'm glad. You deserve it."
He preens under her praise for a few moments before his eyes become thoughtful. She knows what he's going to say before he opens his mouth: "Blaine's told me that you've been meeting with him about college and…other things."
She frowns a little. "We have a strict student-counselor -"
"I know that, but I was just…is he doing okay?" he asks, cutting her off, genuine concern on his face.
She shouldn't be so biased towards Blaine - she shouldn't be so personally invested in Blaine's life the way she is, but it's hard because she knows he comes home to an empty home more than not and he doesn't seem to let a lot of people be close to him. It really breaks her heart.
"Why don't you ask him yourself?" she inquires softly, not liking the way he tenses at her words.
"You know Blaine," Kurt answers, trying to keep his tone light, "always trying to make it look like he's perfectly happy."
She does know, but she thinks Kurt sort of lost that right of claiming to know Blaine so well when months have passed since he ended their relationship. But he'll learn eventually.
Besides, even though Kurt holds himself tall and walks around like he's cultured and knows the world, he's still only eighteen. He's a child and he's got a lot more growing up to do.
"Well, as I said, student-guidance counselor confidentiality, but he's doing fine."
Even though she can still be naïve at times, she prides herself with her rare moments of cunning - it seems Kurt cares too much about Blaine, judging by his frustration with her vagueness.
---
She never does mention that meeting to Blaine, but she's definitely noticed that he seems a little more chipper than usual after that.
---
Over the next two weeks, Blaine starts hearing back from the eleven schools he applied.
By the second of April, he has eleven acceptance letters and a month to decide on which one he's going to.
On the third of April Blaine comes into her office, seemingly at ease, but once he sits down, he leans forward and his eyes widen with pure desperation. "I need help."
She rests her forearms on her desk and leans in a little. "That's what I'm here for."
---
OSU is immediately the first to go because it was only a safety school and Blaine has no desire to live here any longer than he has to, so that's easy. But it takes him three days to officially reject Stanford and Berkeley, claiming that California is too far his liking.
"Besides," he says, smiling in a sheepish manner, "I doubt I could fit into California."
"I find that hard to believe - you're very good at adjusting. But if you're sure…"
He nods. "I'm sure."
She hands him her red pen and he carefully crosses off the two universities.
Eight left to choose from.
---
Over the weekend she gets e-mails about his crossing Brown and Ithaca off his list and for a few days, she thinks that maybe deciding on a college won't be so hard on Blaine.
That is until he arrives for his usual session, dark shadows under his eyes.
"Blaine?" she inquires with concern.
"I don't think I want to go to NYU," he admits in a low voice, taking a seat.
Her eyes widen at the implication. NYU is the closest school to NYADA that he applied to, so that must be a huge decision for him. "Oh. You're sure? You still have a few -"
Blaine nods. "Yeah, I'm sure. It just - I can see myself liking it there, I do. Steinhardt is an amazing undergrad program, but…I couldn't see myself immersing into that life." He shakes head, smiling sheepishly. "That sounds stupid."
"No, it doesn't - you should feel like you belong in whichever school you choose," she reassures him as best she can. "You have to do what's best for you."
Because if Blaine isn't happy, then does his relationship with Kurt have a chance of ever working again?
She thinks that maybe he's beginning to understand that a little when at the end of their meeting, he decisively crosses off NYU from his list.
---
Eventually he stops considering Syracuse an option, claiming the same reason he used to rule out NYU (maybe that's what it is, at this point, as the number of options dwindle) and he's left with four universities.
She honestly thinks that Blaine is going to choose Columbia - it's still in New York City, so he'll be on the same island as Kurt, and they can most likely pick up where they left off. But as the days pass on with Blaine unable to get past these four options, she starts reconsidering.
And finally, fourteen days before he has to come to a decision when he walks into her classroom with a devastated expression on his face, she knows which school he's eliminating.
"Not Columbia."
She nods, not bothering to ask if he's sure. He wouldn't dismiss the only remaining school in New York City, his last chance to physically be close to Kurt, if he wasn't absolutely sure that it wasn't for him.
(Three to go: University of Chicago, Princeton, and Yale, and Emma can safely say she has no idea which one he's going to end up choosing.)
---
"I just feel so badly for him," Emma says as she and Will sit across from each other to eat the meal she cooked. "It's so obvious that he loves Kurt, that Kurt is basically the light of his life, but none of the schools in New York are for him when he so badly wishes they were."
Will frowns in sympathy, reaching across the table as an offer for her to lace her hand with his. "If they're as strong as I know them to be, distance won't be the ultimate deciding factor." He squeezes her hand. "They have good heads on their shoulders and it'll work out."
Tears fill her eyes as she squeezes his hand back. "I hope so. I just want him to be happy."
She doesn't think she's actually cared so much for another student before, and she just wants all the best and wonderful things for him because no one deserves it more.
---
New Directions come in second place at Regionals. Even though it's still an amazing achievement, she still cries on the bus ride home for the seniors who should have gotten their own victory at Nationals.
"Hey, we did our best and that's all that matters," Blaine says to her when they exit the bus. His eyes are shining with tears, but he still has a smile on his face.
She tries to smile back. "Right you are."
She again thinks about telling him that he'd be an amazing teacher, but who wants to get career advice after losing your last singing competition?
---
"I have a question," she prefaces when he walks into her office ten days before he has to make a decision.
"Okay." He takes a seat and waits, encouraging with just a quirk of his mouth and the softening of his eyes.
"I know you want a liberal arts education so you can figure out what you want to do, but…I was wondering if you had any sort of ideas. You've been very vague with me and I think it might be helpful in making a final decision."
He smiles a bit ruefully. "I really wish I knew. I can see myself doing a lot of things."
"Like…" she prods him gently.
He scraps his bottom lip with teeth for a few seconds. "I can myself doing something involving music. Like, being a music teacher or maybe even a music therapist, even though Kurt used to joke that my advice doesn't exactly work half the time, but I like helping people. But I can see myself just being a normal teacher of history or English or maybe even Geometry because I aced that class in my sleep in freshman year. I can also see myself being a social worker of sorts, especially if it involves children, but I'd work with anyone or…I wouldn't mind being a school counselor, either." He blushes as he looks at her.
"Really?" She's somewhat embarrassed that her voice cracks, but he basically just hinted that she is the reason for inspiring him to consider it, which is perhaps one of the most incredible things she's ever experienced.
He nods. "I just want to keep my options open because…there's still so much of me I need to figure out, so who knows. Maybe when I go to college I could completely change my mind and decide to be a lawyer or a journalist." Then he shrugs. "I guess that's why I've been vague. It seems a lot of people know what they want to do so early and it was never that way for me."
She nods in understanding. "For the record, I think you'd make a lovely teacher or school counselor," she tells him.
He brightens. "Really?"
She considers telling him that she's been thinking it for months now and soon he'll realize that he'll gravitate towards the position sooner than he probably thinks, but she settles for, "Yes, I really do."
---
For almost a week, whenever she sits in her office and catches Blaine walking down the hallway, her heart pounds in the hope that he'll walk in and tell her what he's decided on. But every time he shrugs self-deprecatingly and shakes his head.
---
Of course he comes to her when she's least expecting it. Isn't that always how these things go?
"I've made my decision," Blaine says very calmly as she's dusting her bookshelf.
"Oh, you have? You're sure?" she stutters, twirling around to look at him and almost dropping her duster in the process.
Clearing her throat and hoping her blush will fade away, she gestures toward his usual chair as she walks back to hers and sits down.
He takes a deep breath after a beat of silence. "I've decided on Yale."
Her eyes widen in surprise, amazement, and so much she can't put into words. She helped a student get into Yale University.
"You're sure this is for you?" she pushes when she finally finds her voice because while Yale is a great school, obviously, she knows he so easily falls victim to other people's desires and forgets himself.
He smiles in a way that shows that he knows what she's thinking. "I won't deny that this makes my parents very happy and that it can potentially make Kurt happy, given that we'd only be two hours away by train and we can maybe date again -" he starts slowly, cutting himself to take a breath. "But I was there, this weekend. I went to the Open House because my parents wanted to make sure I visited Yale, Princeton, and University of Chicago before I made my final decision. And…I saw all these kids there and I - for the first time in a while, I felt like I could actually, truly belong," he accentuates, his eyes lighting up and Emma really doesn't need to hear another world, but she lets him continue. "I could see myself entering those stone buildings and hanging out in downtown New Haven, studying in that gorgeous library. And I met some really great people - I'm Facebook friends with about five of them and I find myself having a hard time imagining going to Princeton or Chicago." His breathing is a little heavier, but his eyes are still shining.
She can't help but grin widely in response. "Well, it sounds like you're very sure. I'm so happy for you, Blaine."
He nods, his smile turning to that of relief. "It feels right."
"Good."
They smile at each other for a few seconds in silence before Blaine says, "Thank you for everything you've done for me. I probably wouldn't have made any of my deadlines without you."
"I'm nothing if not very, very organized and timely." She sighs happily. "So, do you have time for tea?"
"Well…" The bell then rings, indicating the beginning of fourth period. "I'm supposed to be in AP Lit right now."
She quirks an eyebrow. "Do you need to be?"
He raises an eyebrow in return. "Not really."
"Then have a seat - we can have a celebratory drink. I'll let your teacher know your absence is excused."
He looks down at her desk, the tea set already out. "Well that was good timing on my part."
"I was hoping to branch out - try a new flavor," she explains.
"Which one?"
"Vanilla chai today."
"I'll have that, then."
She takes out two tea bags and sets them in the cups before delicately pouring the hot water.
He lifts his cup and says, "To the future."
She nods, clinking her cup with his. "To the future."
They drink their teas in peace, even though there's still a lot to look forward to. Blaine doesn't know this yet, but Principal Figgins will be calling him into his office any day now to tell him that he's valedictorian, so Blaine will need to prepare a speech for a class he's only been a part of for two years. It'll no doubt be difficult, but he's shown himself to be full of grace even in the most stressful situations.
And there's a matter of her not being on time in another aspect of her life, but she's not quite sure if it's just stress, or if it is what she thinks (hopes) it is.
But they have a little time before all of that.
Blaine pushes the sugar towards her, but she shakes her head with a smile. "It's sweet just the way it is."