La Coincidence~ Chapter 25
Title: La Coincidence
Pairings: Changmin/fc with hints of yunjae and yoosu
Rating: G
Genre: Drama, Real life, General
Length: Chapters
Summary: It all started with a coincidence. One accident, one helping hand, one small step. And soon it leads to so much more. . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~CHAPTER 25~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They all reach home- filing in one by one in a silent procession.
First a solemn Yunho, a sighing Jaejoong, a grim faced Yoochun, un-smiling Junsu, grave Changmin (excuse the pun), and finally near-lifeless Min Ri with eyes downcast, the light and sparkle in them gone.
In her hands she held a small porcelain jar the color of the sky at its calmest and bluest, the last remembrance of Soo Young. Originally it was a choice between the blue cremation urn and an ebony black- a blackest black of night.
Unconsciously she found herself reaching for the black urn, when Jaejoong’s hand stopped hers.
With a look in his eyes, his words, “Enough. Not the black. You know she wouldn’t want that” were enough to convey his meaning.
He reaches for the blue jar with a nod at the doctor. The doctor exits the room then comes back after a long time with the urn, this time it was a little heavier than before, the contents inside made clear.
“How much-” Min Ri begins, but is cut off by Jaejoong.
“Ah Min Ri ah, it’s nothing! It’s all part of the hospital’s procedure” Jaejoong says, giving a knowing look to the doctor. The doctor blinks, blinks again, then merely nods.
With a brisk nod at the doctor thanking him for all he’s done, Min Ri and the others leave the hospital, descending the steps “for the last time.”
Min Ri sighs, curled up cross-legged on the couch with the urn placed in between her legs, looking down at it.
‘Well, now it’s done. It’s all over. There’s no turning back. It’s all over. ’
“I can’t believe it...” she murmurs to herself. “The friend that I always hugged and held in front of me...has now been reduced to...”
“Dust.” Yunho settles himself next to Min Ri. “Because we are born from the dust and to dust we shall return.”
“Min Ri ah~” Yunho continues. “What do you plan to do with the urn?”
He sees her grip on it tighten slightly, her eyes still focused on the carpeting in front of her.
“I know we’ve just got back and all happened so quickly. But you must come to terms with the facts,” Yunho tries to be gentle but straightforward, addressing the future that will arise.
“What will you do with the urn after a few days? You can’t possibly carry it around. Let her rest. And the one luggage of hers that was in the hospital room, what’s to become of it? Her parents? Her relatives? Your parents?”
He takes her by the shoulders and slightly shakes her.
“I know I must sound harsh but you must think of all these questions and the answers to them. You must face them at one time or another.”
He swallows, still picking his words carefully and trying to hide the fact that they paid for the hospital fees.
“Soo Young has no parents. And there are no known relatives of hers. She has told me that. Since I can remember, she’s been living by herself,” Min Ri sighs.
“The clothing and books within the luggage have been donated to charity, as I’m sure she would’ve wanted. The feather I wanted to remember her by is gone and now all that’s left is what I’m holding.”
‘And I am not telling my parents anything of this. I don’t know what their reaction would be. They probably won’t ever let me out of their sight again’ Min Ri thinks as she forces down a swallow, feeling the urn within her hands.
“That’s all good but then, what of” -here Yunho flicks his tongue across his lips nervously, finding the right words- “what of...well...her...remains?”
“I have no idea...” Min Ri murmurs. “I honestly have no idea...” she furrows her brow, deep in thought. “Every thing’s still a blur...in fact, I still wonder how all the hospital fees were taken care of.”
“Ah-well-that” Yunho fumbles with his words, wincing at how nervous he sounded. He catches Min Ri looking at him with one eyebrow raised and berates himself and tries to take control.
“The hospital took care of it. Didn’t you know?” He catches his breath, waiting to see Min Ri’s response.
“Did they? I guess that’s really generous of them...” she sighs again.
“So? Was there any particular special place Soo Young always wanted to go? Maybe that can be the resting grounds...you know...” Yunho tries to divert the conversation.
“Well...she’s always loved the seaside...and we had never gone to a beach like we said to” Min Ri pouts. “But I know of no seaside near Seoul.”
“The nearest beach is about a half-hour drive from here” Yunho says. “We can take my car. It’s no problem.”
He leans over, noticing the troubled look in Min Ri’s eyes and repeats- “It is really no problem. If it is to put a friend to rest, we are all willing to wholeheartedly help.”
“Willing to wholeheartedly help...” those words echoed in Min Ri’s ears.
And continued echoing, long after the six of them got in Yoochun’s car- because “by now we ought to ride in my Audi and give Yunho’s car a rest!”- long after she scattered the ashes out to sea, where a wind carried them far across the waters. Long after they dug the sky blue urn into the sand, burying it there as a reminder, and still after they all turned away from the setting sun with their backs against the glowing light, heading home to Seoul again.
Their home, not mine, Min Ri reminded herself.
In the car sitting next to Changmin in the back seat as usual, Min Ri looks out the window trying to piece together the information of what happened that day.
‘Why did they all come to the hospital room? Why have they been with me this far, even though this is all a burden to them? And what were Jaejoong and Yunho whispering about before on the beachside? Something about their company privacy and cards?’
As she sat there deep in thought, watching the rosy amber clouds darken, Changmin watched her profile from the corner of his eyes.
Her face was raised, eyes scanning the rosy clouds, lips parted as she mouthed words to herself. Chewing on his bottom lip, the debate still rages within him as to whether or not he should tell her just yet.
‘I don’t want to wait anymore...I want to tell her’ he lets out a breath of frustration. And looks at her once more.
‘I don’t want to wait I don’t want to wait. Once we get back I’ll tell her...’
“Min Ri ah, can I talk to you for a sec?” Changmin says, approaching Min Ri who was sitting on the couch, cradling a pillow in her lap.
She looks up, eyes blank. “Yes?”
Changmin darts a glance at Junsu and Yoochun who were playing a video game on the floor.
“Er....can we...go to my- I mean, our room?”
Yoochun diverts his attention to look wide-eyed at Changmin, cocking his head to the side as if in disbelief.
‘Now, Changmin?’ he seemed to say. But moments later back to the screen he was.
“I mean not our room, YOU don’t sleep there um...the...the uh....bed...room?”
“You mean the room you guys share?” she says, wondering why he was getting all jumbled up.
“Ah...yeah...” his cheeks turn flaming red.
As the two of them walk off, Yoosu look at each other worriedly.
“I hope he doesn’t tell her about the hospital payment” Junsu frowns
Yoochun shakes his head. “If he tells her, that’s between them. He doesn’t want to hold any secrets from her...” Yoochun follows Changmin’s retreating figure.
‘Good Lord and good luck Changmin’ he wishes his dongsaeng. ‘Hopefully this won’t end in catastrophe...’
Changmin closes the door and sighs, leaning against the solid wood frame. His knuckles turn white as he grasped the doorknob.
“Are you...are you okay?” Min RI looks at him concernedly.
“Yes um, I’m...” he starts.
‘No I’m not okay...’ he thinks.
“...No. No I’m not okay” he says, surprised that he actually voices how he feels. Hi voice falters. Damn, he really was a novice at this, wasn’t he?
“Uh...sit...please?”
He motions to his bed, off at the far corner. Min Ri walks over and sits on the edge carefully, knees drawn together and hands resting primly on her knees, looking up at Changmin. He walks over and sits down next to her heavily, making the mattress bounce. He licks his lips, looking at the carpet, trying to figure out how to begin.
“Well...uhh...” he begins but Min RI cuts in.
“Why aren’t you okay?” she says worriedly, looking at his profile.
‘God it’s probably about today, isn’t it? I’m so stupid I never should’ve gotten these guys involved in something that has nothing to do with them.’ she thinks.
Still, that didn’t keep her from gazing at his features a moment longer than necessary. She harshly berated herself to stop.
“I’m sorry about today, if that’s what’s upsetting you. You shouldn’t have gotten involved in this and I’m so-”
“No it has nothing to do with today” Changmin cuts in. “In fact, it’s been going on for a long time now and the recent events are only a part of...what’s...going on...with...in...me...”
Min Ri can only blink confusedly and nod, encouraging him to continue.
“Well... I guess I can start by saying I’m grateful. If Yunho had never shoved me into that ambulance to take you to the hospital and then...well...we never would be here.”
“Ah-huh” she nods, confusion still written clean across her face.
“And well for the past month I can say even though we’re all going through ups and downs things are still...uh...you know...things are still...well they’re...oh I give up. Min Ri, look at me.”
Min Ri’s movements freeze. The whole time she played around with her fingers but now they stilled. Her eyes remained on the floor as she gulped.
“Look at me” he repeats.
His tone was more direct. It made her scared to lift her gaze and look at him, afraid to see what he wanted to say, hell, afraid to see what the answer would be to her own question.
Slowly she travels her gaze from his knee to his body, up his neck, his lips, his nose, to his eyes staring straight into hers.
His eyes, like looking into his thoughts, his mind, his soul.
And she knew. She just knew.
No words could cover what went on through those eyes and the shared memories- the laughter, the teasing, the crying, the support.
“You know what I mean now...” Changmin says slowly.
She swallows, feeling the movement down the back of her throat to her stomach, a lump forming. She lets out a shaky laugh, her throat closing in on her, closing in on herself.
“I don’t know what you mea-”
“Oh come off it Min Ri, you know.”
‘I saw it in your eyes too’ he thinks
“You know. Can’t you tell by the way I act around you? By the way you act around me? By the way we act around each other?”
Min Ri’s brow furrows. Confusion. And fear.
“I still don’t get what you mean, the times we both-”
She suddenly stops.
“Fine then. I’ll tell you. Aloud. Straight and simple.” She sees his throat move as he swallows. Perhaps he’s as nervous as she was.
No, it couldn’t be. No one was as nervous as she was. It couldn’t be. He didn’t like her. That wasn’t it at all. No, she only liked him- unrequited love that would never mean anything, she promised herself that long ago. He couldn’t possibly like her. It’s crazy. It’s absurd. He deserves much more, should have much more. It’d never work out. It was pointless. She meant nothing. She was nothing. She was below him. Far below him. Everything was based by accident, all chain of events one entire foolish accident which, if it never happened they never would have met and Soo Young would still be...Soo Young. If everything never happened Soo Young would still be alive. And she never would’ve met them. Or lived with them for a month. In their apartment, almost like family. Even at their job. Living, laughing, yelling, crying. She already made a space in this life without realizing it. Soo Young. Or them. Soo Young. Or them. And she made the choice. Without realizing it. Like a fool. She didn’t deserve this. Didn’t deserve any sympathy. Shouldn’t even have these feelings. And to have them returned to her by the one she lo-
Panic. Sheer panic.
Changmin’s lips, which were about to speak, seal shut again at seeing the wide eyed look in her eyes.
His eyes widen at the sudden transformation as he thinks, ‘What happened now? What’s going on? Aish Min Ri...why won’t you let me-’
“No, no, no” Min Ri repeats over and over to herself.
She laughs.
“Oh it’s all a joke. You’re just kidding. Right? You can’t be serious. All a...all a-”
The smile on her face fades as she bolts towards the door, down the hallway, to the bathroom.
The other guys, startled by the sudden banging, look up just in time to see her figure dart to the bathroom and Changmin’s figure running after her down the hallway.
They all exchange confused glances. Yoochun groans softly, head in hands, thinking ‘Oh no. Oh God. Changmin ah. . .’
Min Ri can’t see where she’s going and trips on the threshold of the bathroom, barely grabbing onto the marble countertop of the sink to keep from falling. Her knuckles turn white as she holds tightly on the stone, head bent over, eyes squeezed shut as tears work their way past her eyes. She shakes her head left and right continuously as if trying to rid herself of her problem-causing emotions. Her heart which should still be hurting, bleeding for the loss of her friend, should be hurting forever until she dies, just moments ago was throbbing maniacally just to hear what he said? What kind of friend was she?
“Listen to me, listen to me! Calm down!” Changmin grabs her by the elbows and pulls her towards him.
‘If I can’t tell her straight and simple...Why is she doing this? Does she like me? Or does she...’ his thoughts churn to a stop for a moment and his grasp on her elbows tighten, but then resumes his thoughts. ‘I can’t tell her now...but when? If I can’t tell her now...when????’
She feels her head lightly touching his chin, her hands placed on his chest. She feels his heart beating there, right there underneath her right hand. Loud and steady, unlike her own erratic heartbeat right now. Eyes still shut, she takes a raspy breath and forcefully pushes herself away from him with both hands.
‘I shouldn’t be this close to him...never should I be this close to him’
He stands there rigid, not believing what he just saw, what he just felt- her hands pushing him away from her.
‘This is just an infatuation. Yeah. That’s what it is. It will never work, it’s not real love. I doubt I’ll ever feel it, no’ she thinks as she turns her back to him. ‘Look at you…you’re WORTHLESS…WORTHLESS…you think you know them? You. Know. Nothing. If it wasn’t for that one incident, that one coincidence, you wouldn’t have even met them~’
She groans, burying her head in her two hands, pressing palms against her eyes.
He sighs and takes one step forward, taking her by the shoulders and shaking her slightly since she wouldn’t cooperate.
‘I shouldn’t be here’ she thinks as she looks around the room frantically.
She finally looks at Changmin’s reflection through the mirror, standing several centimeters higher than her with his hands on her shoulders. His head slowly turns so instead of looking down at her he looks at her through the reflection of the mirror.
As she stares deep within his eyes, she hears herself again. ‘What did you expect? That you would stay here with open arms forever? Time to wake up’
Sadness. Depression. Changmin is alarmed. She fights to get his hands off her, to let her go and not touch her.
He holds her steady. “Stop, enough!”
Her breaths speed up as her eyes dart all over the room, everywhere except him, her heartbeat fluttering in that thin vein on her neck.
“Get rid of that dark part of you that insists you’re at fault! Get rid of it! It’ll consume you!”
‘I want to scream, I want to scream I want to scream I want to scream-’
“Don’t think! Stop!”
A solitary ear-piercing yell echoes through her mind as thoughts evaporate.
Changmin notices her stiffness and wraps his arm around her middle and leads her to the living room where he sits her down on the couch. He notes she didn’t even shrug him away like she did before.
‘I don’t believe this. I still can’t tell her…or it will really kill her…’ he shakes his head, trying to shove down his feelings once again. He imagined things to go a little smoother- he tells her, she answers him, either way he can hold her and pat her hair and console her over the loss of her friend.
He kneels down in front of her, takes one of her hands and looks to her eyes. All that meets him are two blank orbs.
Not knowing what else to do for her, he lets out a sigh and strokes her hand with his thumb. Letting go slowly, he stands up and goes to get Jaejoong from where he was sitting in the dining room in silence, the others having gone into their room since Jaejoong told them.
Min Ri continues staring blankly in front of her. She feels as if she’s an empty shell- no right to feel, no right to breathe.
“Jaejoong…” with that one word, Jaejoong looks up from here he’s sitting- chin on hands, elbows propped upon the table, meditating and thinking upon the whole thing. With one look in Changmin’s eyes, he pushes back his chair and rises.
“Come,” Jaejoong squeezes Changmin’s shoulders comfortingly.
‘How did I feel when I lost someone dear to me? When I found my real parents? When I learned the reason they abandoned me? What was the one moment of deep melancholy and sadness I ever felt? I can’t imagine…I never felt such a thing before…’ he thinks as he walks over. ‘I can’t imagine what’s going on between these two, what just happened...I don’t know...I don’t know what on earth I should do...but I do know they need me right now.’
Jaejoong comes and squats down in front of Min Ri, taking both her hands into his. He looks at her and softly says, “Min Ri yah” but then freezes. The look in her eyes are still glossed over, far-away. His eyebrows furrow as he lightly squeezes and massages her hands in his.
Slowly he gets up, giving a sad look towards Changmin, wondering what he should do. He gets a thought. After nodding to Changmin, he walks over to their bedroom where the others were, huddling on their beds and holding their pillows, waiting there in silence to see what’s happened. They could only imagine what the maknaes are going through.
“Guys, I need your help…”
Soon all the guys return to the living room.
“Well...what should we do?” Junsu murmurs softly. “Talk to her? Make her laugh?”
“Tell her the truth...” Yoochun says in English. He sees her hands softly move, eyelashes quiver, then still again.
They sigh.
“Alright Min Ri...we...we did pay for the hospital fees.” Jaejoong
*ka-THUMP*
“It wasn’t much, it was nothing...we didn’t want to tell you at first since we were afraid of how you’d take it.” Yunho
*ka-THUMP*
“But please know that we were glad to do that and more importantly we wanted to” Junsu pouts.
*ka-THUD*
Changmin sighs.
“Come on girl...say something” Yoochun goads her on in English.
A slow blink of her eyes and a moistening of her lips with her tongue.
“You’re me and the others...you alright?” Yoochun insists.
“Let’s show her the video we made recently,” Yunho suggests suddenly
“Which video?”
“The one we just made Junsu, the *cough*haha*ahem* one”
“Oh, right Yunho...right...” Junsu replies
“Yes, let’s show her that” Yoochun softly says
Jaejoong nods. “Okay, maybe that’ll be good.”
It starts playing. At first it’s silent but then the guys slowly start smiling at their video, looking at each other and goading each other on. With relief they note Min Ri’s mouth twists up into a shadow of a smile.
They continue laughing at their video, glad that Min Ri finally showed some life and started smiling. But that smile never traveled up to her eyes, didn’t make them sparkle. A single tear drips down her eye, unnoticed by the others, traveling down her cheek to fall on her palm.
‘Thank you...for ever caring for someone weak like me but goodbye...goodbye... ... ...forever’
Pairings: Changmin/fc with hints of yunjae and yoosu
Rating: G
Genre: Drama, Real life, General
Length: Chapters
Summary: It all started with a coincidence. One accident, one helping hand, one small step. And soon it leads to so much more. . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~CHAPTER 25~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They all reach home- filing in one by one in a silent procession.
First a solemn Yunho, a sighing Jaejoong, a grim faced Yoochun, un-smiling Junsu, grave Changmin (excuse the pun), and finally near-lifeless Min Ri with eyes downcast, the light and sparkle in them gone.
In her hands she held a small porcelain jar the color of the sky at its calmest and bluest, the last remembrance of Soo Young. Originally it was a choice between the blue cremation urn and an ebony black- a blackest black of night.
Unconsciously she found herself reaching for the black urn, when Jaejoong’s hand stopped hers.
With a look in his eyes, his words, “Enough. Not the black. You know she wouldn’t want that” were enough to convey his meaning.
He reaches for the blue jar with a nod at the doctor. The doctor exits the room then comes back after a long time with the urn, this time it was a little heavier than before, the contents inside made clear.
“How much-” Min Ri begins, but is cut off by Jaejoong.
“Ah Min Ri ah, it’s nothing! It’s all part of the hospital’s procedure” Jaejoong says, giving a knowing look to the doctor. The doctor blinks, blinks again, then merely nods.
With a brisk nod at the doctor thanking him for all he’s done, Min Ri and the others leave the hospital, descending the steps “for the last time.”
Min Ri sighs, curled up cross-legged on the couch with the urn placed in between her legs, looking down at it.
‘Well, now it’s done. It’s all over. There’s no turning back. It’s all over. ’
“I can’t believe it...” she murmurs to herself. “The friend that I always hugged and held in front of me...has now been reduced to...”
“Dust.” Yunho settles himself next to Min Ri. “Because we are born from the dust and to dust we shall return.”
“Min Ri ah~” Yunho continues. “What do you plan to do with the urn?”
He sees her grip on it tighten slightly, her eyes still focused on the carpeting in front of her.
“I know we’ve just got back and all happened so quickly. But you must come to terms with the facts,” Yunho tries to be gentle but straightforward, addressing the future that will arise.
“What will you do with the urn after a few days? You can’t possibly carry it around. Let her rest. And the one luggage of hers that was in the hospital room, what’s to become of it? Her parents? Her relatives? Your parents?”
He takes her by the shoulders and slightly shakes her.
“I know I must sound harsh but you must think of all these questions and the answers to them. You must face them at one time or another.”
He swallows, still picking his words carefully and trying to hide the fact that they paid for the hospital fees.
“Soo Young has no parents. And there are no known relatives of hers. She has told me that. Since I can remember, she’s been living by herself,” Min Ri sighs.
“The clothing and books within the luggage have been donated to charity, as I’m sure she would’ve wanted. The feather I wanted to remember her by is gone and now all that’s left is what I’m holding.”
‘And I am not telling my parents anything of this. I don’t know what their reaction would be. They probably won’t ever let me out of their sight again’ Min Ri thinks as she forces down a swallow, feeling the urn within her hands.
“That’s all good but then, what of” -here Yunho flicks his tongue across his lips nervously, finding the right words- “what of...well...her...remains?”
“I have no idea...” Min Ri murmurs. “I honestly have no idea...” she furrows her brow, deep in thought. “Every thing’s still a blur...in fact, I still wonder how all the hospital fees were taken care of.”
“Ah-well-that” Yunho fumbles with his words, wincing at how nervous he sounded. He catches Min Ri looking at him with one eyebrow raised and berates himself and tries to take control.
“The hospital took care of it. Didn’t you know?” He catches his breath, waiting to see Min Ri’s response.
“Did they? I guess that’s really generous of them...” she sighs again.
“So? Was there any particular special place Soo Young always wanted to go? Maybe that can be the resting grounds...you know...” Yunho tries to divert the conversation.
“Well...she’s always loved the seaside...and we had never gone to a beach like we said to” Min Ri pouts. “But I know of no seaside near Seoul.”
“The nearest beach is about a half-hour drive from here” Yunho says. “We can take my car. It’s no problem.”
He leans over, noticing the troubled look in Min Ri’s eyes and repeats- “It is really no problem. If it is to put a friend to rest, we are all willing to wholeheartedly help.”
“Willing to wholeheartedly help...” those words echoed in Min Ri’s ears.
And continued echoing, long after the six of them got in Yoochun’s car- because “by now we ought to ride in my Audi and give Yunho’s car a rest!”- long after she scattered the ashes out to sea, where a wind carried them far across the waters. Long after they dug the sky blue urn into the sand, burying it there as a reminder, and still after they all turned away from the setting sun with their backs against the glowing light, heading home to Seoul again.
Their home, not mine, Min Ri reminded herself.
In the car sitting next to Changmin in the back seat as usual, Min Ri looks out the window trying to piece together the information of what happened that day.
‘Why did they all come to the hospital room? Why have they been with me this far, even though this is all a burden to them? And what were Jaejoong and Yunho whispering about before on the beachside? Something about their company privacy and cards?’
As she sat there deep in thought, watching the rosy amber clouds darken, Changmin watched her profile from the corner of his eyes.
Her face was raised, eyes scanning the rosy clouds, lips parted as she mouthed words to herself. Chewing on his bottom lip, the debate still rages within him as to whether or not he should tell her just yet.
‘I don’t want to wait anymore...I want to tell her’ he lets out a breath of frustration. And looks at her once more.
‘I don’t want to wait I don’t want to wait. Once we get back I’ll tell her...’
“Min Ri ah, can I talk to you for a sec?” Changmin says, approaching Min Ri who was sitting on the couch, cradling a pillow in her lap.
She looks up, eyes blank. “Yes?”
Changmin darts a glance at Junsu and Yoochun who were playing a video game on the floor.
“Er....can we...go to my- I mean, our room?”
Yoochun diverts his attention to look wide-eyed at Changmin, cocking his head to the side as if in disbelief.
‘Now, Changmin?’ he seemed to say. But moments later back to the screen he was.
“I mean not our room, YOU don’t sleep there um...the...the uh....bed...room?”
“You mean the room you guys share?” she says, wondering why he was getting all jumbled up.
“Ah...yeah...” his cheeks turn flaming red.
As the two of them walk off, Yoosu look at each other worriedly.
“I hope he doesn’t tell her about the hospital payment” Junsu frowns
Yoochun shakes his head. “If he tells her, that’s between them. He doesn’t want to hold any secrets from her...” Yoochun follows Changmin’s retreating figure.
‘Good Lord and good luck Changmin’ he wishes his dongsaeng. ‘Hopefully this won’t end in catastrophe...’
Changmin closes the door and sighs, leaning against the solid wood frame. His knuckles turn white as he grasped the doorknob.
“Are you...are you okay?” Min RI looks at him concernedly.
“Yes um, I’m...” he starts.
‘No I’m not okay...’ he thinks.
“...No. No I’m not okay” he says, surprised that he actually voices how he feels. Hi voice falters. Damn, he really was a novice at this, wasn’t he?
“Uh...sit...please?”
He motions to his bed, off at the far corner. Min Ri walks over and sits on the edge carefully, knees drawn together and hands resting primly on her knees, looking up at Changmin. He walks over and sits down next to her heavily, making the mattress bounce. He licks his lips, looking at the carpet, trying to figure out how to begin.
“Well...uhh...” he begins but Min RI cuts in.
“Why aren’t you okay?” she says worriedly, looking at his profile.
‘God it’s probably about today, isn’t it? I’m so stupid I never should’ve gotten these guys involved in something that has nothing to do with them.’ she thinks.
Still, that didn’t keep her from gazing at his features a moment longer than necessary. She harshly berated herself to stop.
“I’m sorry about today, if that’s what’s upsetting you. You shouldn’t have gotten involved in this and I’m so-”
“No it has nothing to do with today” Changmin cuts in. “In fact, it’s been going on for a long time now and the recent events are only a part of...what’s...going on...with...in...me...”
Min Ri can only blink confusedly and nod, encouraging him to continue.
“Well... I guess I can start by saying I’m grateful. If Yunho had never shoved me into that ambulance to take you to the hospital and then...well...we never would be here.”
“Ah-huh” she nods, confusion still written clean across her face.
“And well for the past month I can say even though we’re all going through ups and downs things are still...uh...you know...things are still...well they’re...oh I give up. Min Ri, look at me.”
Min Ri’s movements freeze. The whole time she played around with her fingers but now they stilled. Her eyes remained on the floor as she gulped.
“Look at me” he repeats.
His tone was more direct. It made her scared to lift her gaze and look at him, afraid to see what he wanted to say, hell, afraid to see what the answer would be to her own question.
Slowly she travels her gaze from his knee to his body, up his neck, his lips, his nose, to his eyes staring straight into hers.
His eyes, like looking into his thoughts, his mind, his soul.
And she knew. She just knew.
No words could cover what went on through those eyes and the shared memories- the laughter, the teasing, the crying, the support.
“You know what I mean now...” Changmin says slowly.
She swallows, feeling the movement down the back of her throat to her stomach, a lump forming. She lets out a shaky laugh, her throat closing in on her, closing in on herself.
“I don’t know what you mea-”
“Oh come off it Min Ri, you know.”
‘I saw it in your eyes too’ he thinks
“You know. Can’t you tell by the way I act around you? By the way you act around me? By the way we act around each other?”
Min Ri’s brow furrows. Confusion. And fear.
“I still don’t get what you mean, the times we both-”
She suddenly stops.
“Fine then. I’ll tell you. Aloud. Straight and simple.” She sees his throat move as he swallows. Perhaps he’s as nervous as she was.
No, it couldn’t be. No one was as nervous as she was. It couldn’t be. He didn’t like her. That wasn’t it at all. No, she only liked him- unrequited love that would never mean anything, she promised herself that long ago. He couldn’t possibly like her. It’s crazy. It’s absurd. He deserves much more, should have much more. It’d never work out. It was pointless. She meant nothing. She was nothing. She was below him. Far below him. Everything was based by accident, all chain of events one entire foolish accident which, if it never happened they never would have met and Soo Young would still be...Soo Young. If everything never happened Soo Young would still be alive. And she never would’ve met them. Or lived with them for a month. In their apartment, almost like family. Even at their job. Living, laughing, yelling, crying. She already made a space in this life without realizing it. Soo Young. Or them. Soo Young. Or them. And she made the choice. Without realizing it. Like a fool. She didn’t deserve this. Didn’t deserve any sympathy. Shouldn’t even have these feelings. And to have them returned to her by the one she lo-
Panic. Sheer panic.
Changmin’s lips, which were about to speak, seal shut again at seeing the wide eyed look in her eyes.
His eyes widen at the sudden transformation as he thinks, ‘What happened now? What’s going on? Aish Min Ri...why won’t you let me-’
“No, no, no” Min Ri repeats over and over to herself.
She laughs.
“Oh it’s all a joke. You’re just kidding. Right? You can’t be serious. All a...all a-”
The smile on her face fades as she bolts towards the door, down the hallway, to the bathroom.
The other guys, startled by the sudden banging, look up just in time to see her figure dart to the bathroom and Changmin’s figure running after her down the hallway.
They all exchange confused glances. Yoochun groans softly, head in hands, thinking ‘Oh no. Oh God. Changmin ah. . .’
Min Ri can’t see where she’s going and trips on the threshold of the bathroom, barely grabbing onto the marble countertop of the sink to keep from falling. Her knuckles turn white as she holds tightly on the stone, head bent over, eyes squeezed shut as tears work their way past her eyes. She shakes her head left and right continuously as if trying to rid herself of her problem-causing emotions. Her heart which should still be hurting, bleeding for the loss of her friend, should be hurting forever until she dies, just moments ago was throbbing maniacally just to hear what he said? What kind of friend was she?
“Listen to me, listen to me! Calm down!” Changmin grabs her by the elbows and pulls her towards him.
‘If I can’t tell her straight and simple...Why is she doing this? Does she like me? Or does she...’ his thoughts churn to a stop for a moment and his grasp on her elbows tighten, but then resumes his thoughts. ‘I can’t tell her now...but when? If I can’t tell her now...when????’
She feels her head lightly touching his chin, her hands placed on his chest. She feels his heart beating there, right there underneath her right hand. Loud and steady, unlike her own erratic heartbeat right now. Eyes still shut, she takes a raspy breath and forcefully pushes herself away from him with both hands.
‘I shouldn’t be this close to him...never should I be this close to him’
He stands there rigid, not believing what he just saw, what he just felt- her hands pushing him away from her.
‘This is just an infatuation. Yeah. That’s what it is. It will never work, it’s not real love. I doubt I’ll ever feel it, no’ she thinks as she turns her back to him. ‘Look at you…you’re WORTHLESS…WORTHLESS…you think you know them? You. Know. Nothing. If it wasn’t for that one incident, that one coincidence, you wouldn’t have even met them~’
She groans, burying her head in her two hands, pressing palms against her eyes.
He sighs and takes one step forward, taking her by the shoulders and shaking her slightly since she wouldn’t cooperate.
‘I shouldn’t be here’ she thinks as she looks around the room frantically.
She finally looks at Changmin’s reflection through the mirror, standing several centimeters higher than her with his hands on her shoulders. His head slowly turns so instead of looking down at her he looks at her through the reflection of the mirror.
As she stares deep within his eyes, she hears herself again. ‘What did you expect? That you would stay here with open arms forever? Time to wake up’
Sadness. Depression. Changmin is alarmed. She fights to get his hands off her, to let her go and not touch her.
He holds her steady. “Stop, enough!”
Her breaths speed up as her eyes dart all over the room, everywhere except him, her heartbeat fluttering in that thin vein on her neck.
“Get rid of that dark part of you that insists you’re at fault! Get rid of it! It’ll consume you!”
‘I want to scream, I want to scream I want to scream I want to scream-’
“Don’t think! Stop!”
A solitary ear-piercing yell echoes through her mind as thoughts evaporate.
Changmin notices her stiffness and wraps his arm around her middle and leads her to the living room where he sits her down on the couch. He notes she didn’t even shrug him away like she did before.
‘I don’t believe this. I still can’t tell her…or it will really kill her…’ he shakes his head, trying to shove down his feelings once again. He imagined things to go a little smoother- he tells her, she answers him, either way he can hold her and pat her hair and console her over the loss of her friend.
He kneels down in front of her, takes one of her hands and looks to her eyes. All that meets him are two blank orbs.
Not knowing what else to do for her, he lets out a sigh and strokes her hand with his thumb. Letting go slowly, he stands up and goes to get Jaejoong from where he was sitting in the dining room in silence, the others having gone into their room since Jaejoong told them.
Min Ri continues staring blankly in front of her. She feels as if she’s an empty shell- no right to feel, no right to breathe.
“Jaejoong…” with that one word, Jaejoong looks up from here he’s sitting- chin on hands, elbows propped upon the table, meditating and thinking upon the whole thing. With one look in Changmin’s eyes, he pushes back his chair and rises.
“Come,” Jaejoong squeezes Changmin’s shoulders comfortingly.
‘How did I feel when I lost someone dear to me? When I found my real parents? When I learned the reason they abandoned me? What was the one moment of deep melancholy and sadness I ever felt? I can’t imagine…I never felt such a thing before…’ he thinks as he walks over. ‘I can’t imagine what’s going on between these two, what just happened...I don’t know...I don’t know what on earth I should do...but I do know they need me right now.’
Jaejoong comes and squats down in front of Min Ri, taking both her hands into his. He looks at her and softly says, “Min Ri yah” but then freezes. The look in her eyes are still glossed over, far-away. His eyebrows furrow as he lightly squeezes and massages her hands in his.
Slowly he gets up, giving a sad look towards Changmin, wondering what he should do. He gets a thought. After nodding to Changmin, he walks over to their bedroom where the others were, huddling on their beds and holding their pillows, waiting there in silence to see what’s happened. They could only imagine what the maknaes are going through.
“Guys, I need your help…”
Soon all the guys return to the living room.
“Well...what should we do?” Junsu murmurs softly. “Talk to her? Make her laugh?”
“Tell her the truth...” Yoochun says in English. He sees her hands softly move, eyelashes quiver, then still again.
They sigh.
“Alright Min Ri...we...we did pay for the hospital fees.” Jaejoong
*ka-THUMP*
“It wasn’t much, it was nothing...we didn’t want to tell you at first since we were afraid of how you’d take it.” Yunho
*ka-THUMP*
“But please know that we were glad to do that and more importantly we wanted to” Junsu pouts.
*ka-THUD*
Changmin sighs.
“Come on girl...say something” Yoochun goads her on in English.
A slow blink of her eyes and a moistening of her lips with her tongue.
“You’re me and the others...you alright?” Yoochun insists.
“Let’s show her the video we made recently,” Yunho suggests suddenly
“Which video?”
“The one we just made Junsu, the *cough*haha*ahem* one”
“Oh, right Yunho...right...” Junsu replies
“Yes, let’s show her that” Yoochun softly says
Jaejoong nods. “Okay, maybe that’ll be good.”
It starts playing. At first it’s silent but then the guys slowly start smiling at their video, looking at each other and goading each other on. With relief they note Min Ri’s mouth twists up into a shadow of a smile.
They continue laughing at their video, glad that Min Ri finally showed some life and started smiling. But that smile never traveled up to her eyes, didn’t make them sparkle. A single tear drips down her eye, unnoticed by the others, traveling down her cheek to fall on her palm.
‘Thank you...for ever caring for someone weak like me but goodbye...goodbye... ... ...forever’