(no subject)
title: will
paring: kanghan
genre: general, romance
rating: pg13
summary: kangin believes he has a curse. when he was young, he and his parents were in an accident. his parents died, but he survived. just recently, he and his friends met an accident. his friends hadn't fared very well, but he had barely been injured. at a loss, and unable to face his friends in fear they might get hurt even more, kangin leaves and decides to take his own life. again, he survives somehow. in the hospital, he meets someone: a quirky chinese boy who was able to make him see that sometimes, all you need is a little bit of will to capture that elusive happiness
AN: posted this in the sjforums but it's easier to post stuff here.XD
chapter one
"Hey."
Kangin groggily woke up and found that someone was dangerously close to his face. Surprised, he backed off quickly. Then he hissed in pain from moving too fast.
Immediately, the strange apologized. "Sorry! Didn't mean to scare you!"
Grumbling, Kangin forced himself to wake up. Sitting up gingerly, afraid he'd open his wounds more, Kangin opened his eyes fully and found the room blessedly dark. If it weren't for the moonlight streaming in from his window, Kangin would have thought he had imagined that someone was there.
The stranger was smiling apologetically at him when he said, "Hey. I'm Geng. But you can call me Hankyung. You're the new guy, aren't you?"
'The new guy?' Kangin asked himself. Then he 'oooh'ed and nodded. It made sense. He had been taken to this ward because the one where he was supposed to be was fully occupied.
"What are you doing here? And so late at night?"
Hankyung shrugged and smiled again, "I couldn't sleep and I wanted to see you. I'm sorry I woke you up."
Kangin shook his head, amazed he wasn't angry. "Nah. I couldn't sleep, too."
"Really? Does anything hurt?"
"A little," Kangin replied, softly, "It's not so bad, but it's not something I can ignore either."
He had been in a motorcycle accident just a few days ago. Or, rather, he tried to kill himself and cover it up as a motorcycle accident a few days ago. It wasn't that he was angry at life in general.
Just at himself.
He was tired of failing, of disappointing the people important to him.
A few days before his unfortunate 'accident', Kangin had appointed himself to keep his friends safe. He even ditched his job to drive for them, knowing that Eeteuk was a reckless driver, Kyuhyun too young, Eunhyuk too lazy to learn and Shindong too lazy to drive. He drove them towards their respective homes from wherever it was they came from. But it was raining hard that night, and though he wanted to stop and let the rain pour itself out, he listened to his friends and carried on.
In all his life, that was the first time he listened to them without a fight.
He picked a mighty time to do that. And a wrong one.
As he continued to drive, a truck suddenly swerved on their side of the road. Panicking, he turned the car sharply to the side to evade the imminent crash with the truck. But when he did, because the road was wet and the tires were barely holding on to the road, the car turned over, how many times Kangin couldn't count, before crashing on a tree. The body of the van was a wreck. He, who was on the driver's seat, had come out with only a few cuts and bruises. His friends, however, had almost lost their lives.
They were fine now. Kangin knew that because he made sure his friends were fine before he did what he did.
He knew they suspected that something was bothering him. But because he kept on getting angry, and because he had a reputable temper, none of them dwelt on it too much. That night, the night when he decided to take on a little trip to Hell, he was with his friends and committed each and every detail of them to his memory.
He'll miss them, but he couldn't afford to hurt them any more than he already has.
It started with his parents. Then it happened with his friends.
He wasn't going to be a curse to them anymore.
Though they had taken him in their circle, though they accepted his 'curse', though they were the best friends anyone could ever ask for, he couldn't bring himself to stay. His decision hurt him deeply, and he knew that once his friends find out they'd be hurt as well, but if he stayed, there was a chance he could bring more hurt and more pain for them all.
This was the lesser of the two evils for him --for all of them.
And he chose it without hesitation. Even if it meant he had to die.
"Hello? Are you okay?"
Kangin was shaken out of his thoughts by the question. He chuckled darkly, then he looked at the boy looking questioningly at him and said, "Yeah. Just depressed."
The other nodded wisely, then he smiled, a real smile, as he said, "Oh. We get that a lot here. Welcome to the world of the living dead."
Kangin didn't know whether the other boy, Hankyung, was trying to make him laugh. He figured, though, as he spied the bright smile adorning the other's face, that that was what the other wanted to do. Feeling his mood surprisingly lift, Kangin found that a smile came easily to his lips.
"Thanks," he said dryly. "Can't wait for you to show me around."
Hankyung laughed loudly at that, "Sorry. Can't. I'm confined to stay in my room. I don't have an infectious disease or anything, but my parents are so worried about me they forced the doctors to lock me in my room. Thankfully though, the nurses keep my doors open at night. It's the only time I can go out."
"Well, that's a bummer."
"Tell me about it."
Kangin wanted to ask, 'What are you in the hospital for?' but refrained. He knew, from the movies he's watched, that sometimes these questions were a bit painful to the patient. So he kept his mouth shut and told himself that if the other asked him about why he was in the hospital, then he'd ask him.
It was amazing, Kangin decided, how this person was able to make him smile even when he was amidst his own darkness. Kangin told himself, when he had survived that crash, that he wouldn't allow anyone to get close to him anymore. But, seeing the smile on the other's face as he recounted old stories of the people who's been in this room, Kangin couldn't help but make an exception.
And so, Kangin hoped.
That for once, he would be allowed to keep a friend this time around.
chapter two
"You're here again?"
Hankyung laughed, "I'm sorry?"
Kangin scoffed, "Isn't there anyone else you can bother?"
"Everyone's already asleep. You're the only one who's always still awake at this hour."
"And that's enough reason to barge in my room and disturb me?"
Hankyung almost pouted. "Well, I was lonely. Aren't we friends?"
Kangin laughed. Then he sighed and shook his head.
Hankyung had been coming to his room almost everyday for more than a week. The other man never did anything but talk to him during those visits. Sometimes, he'd talk about himself, other times he'd make Kangin talk about himself. It was amazing, Kangin would find himself thinking, how Hankyung had the ability to make him open up. Kangin found it so easy to trust the other.
He didn't know why, but the kind gestures and smiles, the look of understanding and sincerity in the others' eyes whenever he'd talk about himself, it catches him off guard, makes him spill things that he would have never said to anyone.
Maybe it was because Hankyung had been a stranger. Someone who had no preconceptions about him that made it easy for Kangin to be himself. Whatever it was, Kangin found himself wishing more and more that Hankyung would be the exception.
Kangin knew otherwise though. Hankyung was in the hospital for a purpose. And though he hadn't had the chance to ask, he knew that Hankyung's time was borrowed. More so than others.
Perhaps it was because of this, because he knew that whatever he did Hankyung was bound to... expire soon. Maybe the knowledge that his presence hadn't been the cause of the others' demise, the knowledge that it wasn't his fault, enabled him to fully open up.
His friendship was the least he could do to someone who was bound to... sleep forever.
At least, that was what he thought.
He knew it wasn't that, though. Because in him, in the deepest recesses of his heart, he wished and hoped and prayed that the other could continue on. Hankyung was the kindest person he knew. The hospital staff, the nurses, some of the doctors, the patients, all of them knew of his kindness. If he asks anyone, Kangin was sure that he'd only be hearing good things about Hankyung.
It made him realize that the world really doesn't choose who to burden itself upon.
"Fine. You can stay."
Hankyung smiled, eyes softening at him.
"My parents visited me today."
"Oh?"
Kangin knew Hankyung's parents were anything but loving. His family was rich, owned a chain of fast food restaurants, but had Hankyung as an only child. Hankyung believed, that the only reason why his parents weren't giving up on him, even if it was apparent that he wasn't going to get cured very soon, was because they've invested too much money and time in him. It annoyed Hankyung to bits, and it always seemed that the other was nonchalant about it, but Kangin saw, from the others' eyes, that this fact saddened him.
Kangin wanted to comfort the other man but he realized that he couldn't. He hardly knew about dealing with parents after all.
"They keep telling me to get better, but it's obvious that I'm not going to get better any time soon. If in fact I'll get better at all."
If there was one thing he didn't like about the other man, it was his passiveness about his own situation. It wasn't that Hankyung was giving up on himself, in truth, Kangin hasn't met anyone in the hospital with as much hope and optimism as Hankyung. But there were times, especially when his parents visited, that made the other bitter, made him spout negative things about himself, and it annoyed the hell out of Kangin.
Frowning, Kangin replied, "Weren't you saying the other day that you were feeling better already? Where'd all that happy energy go to?"
Hankyung paused for a while, regarding Kangin. Then he sighed and said, "You know what happens to me when they come. I can't help it. I'd rather die than be their perfect little doll. Sometimes, I can't help but think that this illness was a blessing in disguise. If I hadn't contracted it, I would have stayed doing whatever they wanted me to do. Stuck in that house, trying to fit the role of becoming the next heir. Seriously," Hankyung said, smiling sadly, "this is so much better than living a life I can't live at all."
For once, Kangin didn't know what to say to that. Freedom? Or life? Kangin was sure that life was more important than the other one. But hearing Hankyung's stories, it made Kangin think that maybe the two has about the same importance after all.
"Anyway." Hankyung began, instantly brightening up, "How are you? Does anything still hurt?"
Kangin chuckled a bit as he shook his head, "No. The wounds are getting itchy but that only means they're getting better right? Plus, the wounds don't open as much anymore. Doctor thinks I'll get better sooner than expected."
"Isn't that great? You can go home to your friends! I'm sure they're all worried about you."
One night, Kangin hadn't stopped himself from telling Hankyung about his fears, which led to him telling why he was here, and what he was hiding from.
Hankyung continued, "I'm sure, from your stories, that they don't blame you at all. They seem like really good people," he said, smiling, "I wish I can meet them, too."
Kangin shook his head, smiling, "Honestly, when you're saying it, it always looks like a good idea. But whenever you're gone and I think about it in the morning, it doesn't seem so good at all." Holding his chin as if in thought, Kangin said, "I don't know. Maybe I'll back out once I get out of here."
"What? But why?! They're your friends, right?! And they're important to you! You told me!"
Eyes narrowed, Kangin pursed his lips, "But, you're the only one forcing me to go back to them. It's not my idea."
"But--!"
"Do you really want me to go?"
Hankyung didn't even pause when he said, "Yeah! Of course!"
Happily, Kangin chirped, "Then go with me! That way, I won't back out, right?"
"What?! But-but, Kangin, you know I can't--,"
Kangin wouldn't have it though. "No. If you're not coming with me, I won't go. I won't go back to that life. I'll start a new one. With you, possibly."
There was a moment of silence between them when Kangin said that. It was a strange request, Kangin knew. But there was something about the other, something that captured Kangin, something that intruiged him so much that he didn't know what to do, or think. There was something about the other boy, something that called his real self, something that made him want to know more and more about Hankyung.
He couldn't exlpain it, whatever it was. But it's call was so strong it was hard to ignore.
And besides, if there was one way to describe himself, it was that he always acted upon his feelings.
"Kangin, if I leave this hospital, I don't think... What if something happens along the way? I mean, even the doctors don't know what's wrong with me! What if... what if...,"
"Then I'll make them come here, hyung." Looking seriously at the other boy, Kangin continued, "I'll make them come here and see you."
"Kangin--,"
Even though he barely knew the other boy, Kangin was sure he wanted him to be a part of his life. So he insisted,
"I think you'll like them, hyung. There's this one guy, his name's Shindong, and he's hilarious! And you can meet Siwon, too! He studied Chinese for a few months, maybe you can talk to him, huh? And Heechul! God, Heechul hyung's a riot but once you've gotten to know him, you'll realize that he doesn't mean half of what he says and he looks out for you in his own strange way. Oh, and Ryeowook, too! The guy has a wonderful voice! Not to mention, Yesung, who says he's the artistic voice of the group. He's lame most of the time, and he's the king of fail, but he's a great hyung and he looks out for everyone. And then there's Kibum! He's a quiet kid and he reads a lot but--,"
"Kangin," Hankyung said, softly, interrupting, "I'm sure that they're all good people. But," he continued, eyes suddenly bearing all the weight in the world, "I'm fine like this. Even though I don't know what's wrong with me, and even though doctors keep on telling me I'm going to die really soon even when I feel really, really healthy most of the time, things are already fine like this. No matter how much I want to leave this place, I don't want to. I don't want to crave for a life I could have led if I hadn't gotten sick. I don't want to hurt anyone either. I seriously wouldn't have come and met you if I hadn't seen that disturbed look on your face when they brought you here."
Now that was news to Kangin. Raising a brow, he motioned Hankyung to continue.
Hankyung sighed and bit his lip. Eyes looking away from Kangin, he said, "When they brought you here, you were awake weren't you? They carried you to this room by a wheelchair."
Kangin nodded.
"And, well... Your eyes, you looked like you didn't care about the world anymore. That you didn't care about living and that if you died the next day it wouldn't have mattered at all."
Again, Kangin nodded. And again, Kangin was left amazed at the others' ability to read people.
Shrugging, Hankyung looked at Kangin and said, "I recognized those eyes. They were the same eyes that looked back at me whenever I faced the mirror the first few months I was confined here. I couldn't stop myself when I saw them. I had to do something to help. So I did and here I am. I've seen many people with eyes like that. Most of them never went out of the hospital again. I was hoping, that maybe, for once, in my life, I'd be able to help someone. I mean, really, really help someone. I was hoping I could, I don't know, be the light in your darkness. I realize I many have been selfish. I'm sorry."
Kangin, in his life, had never met anyone who apologized for wanting to help. So he stared at the other for a while, unable to talk or move. And then, slowly, his face melted into a smile and he laughed. Sobering up, Kangin whispered, "Hyung, you are an idiot. Don't say sorry for that! You made me realize many things. For one, that life really is too short to waste on hesitations and fears. And that second chances are given freely to anyone who wants it." Shaking his head, Kangin continued, "But there's one thing you're totally confusing me in. For all your optimism, why can't you let other people in your life? All the nurses, the doctors, even some of the patients I've met who I asked about you, they all told me that, for once, they'd like to be your strength. And that if you'd allow them, they'd be happy and honored to offer you their friendship. One action doesn't suddenly just stop. Everything we do, no matter how small they are, causes a ripple of effects we can't control. Your presence here, your willingness to listen to anyone, your never ending kindess and understanding, it made people like you. When you die, no matter how much you've tried not to let anyone get close to you in fear of them getting hurt, some still will."
Hankyung's face was expressionless when he asked, "Who?"
"Who?!" Kangin almost yelled, exasperated, "You're asking me who?! Why, everyone you've met, hyung! All those people you've talked to, the people you've offered your time, the people you smiled to, or waved to, or said hello to. Who, hyung? It's everyone you've helped and cared for and loved." Reaching out and ruffling the other's hair affectionately, Kangin smiled as he whispered, "You don't honestly think that you can love without getting anything in return, right?"
"I thought--,"
"Well, you thought wrong. Whoever taught you that loving someone won't make them care for you in return is wrong."
Hankyung didn't say anything and just bit his lip.
Kangin grinned and pulled the other boy in a headlock. "You might have failed in pushing other people away from your life, but that's a failure anyone would approve of." Shifting his arms so that Hankyung was safe within his embrace, Kangin softly said, "So drop all the negative things your parents told you and start living your life."
"How can I? If I'm going to die tomorrow, how can I--,"
"Hyung, you really are an idiot." Letting the other go, Kangin smiled and said, "If you're going to die tomorrow, then you might as well start living your life today, than regret not living your life at all. Right?"
Kangin found it amusing that he had surprised Hankyung with his words. They were both silent for a while. Hankyung was probably thinking things over. Kangin was allowing the other to let the words sink in.
After a while, Hankyung raised his brows and said, "Wow. You can use your brain after all."
Kangin couldn't help but backhand Hankyung, albeit, a gentle one. "Aren't you amazed at all?! I've thought about this a lot you know!"
Hankyung laughed. Then he sobered up and smiled gratefully, "No, I'm amazed, really. And thankful. Really, really thankful." Scratching his head, Hankyung frowned and asked, "Now I'm at a loss. How do I begin to live my life knowing it's more limited that others?"
Kangin already had an answer to that.
Smiling wide, he said, "Why don't you start by meeting my friends?"
---
AN: Yeah, failure, much?>_<
paring: kanghan
genre: general, romance
rating: pg13
summary: kangin believes he has a curse. when he was young, he and his parents were in an accident. his parents died, but he survived. just recently, he and his friends met an accident. his friends hadn't fared very well, but he had barely been injured. at a loss, and unable to face his friends in fear they might get hurt even more, kangin leaves and decides to take his own life. again, he survives somehow. in the hospital, he meets someone: a quirky chinese boy who was able to make him see that sometimes, all you need is a little bit of will to capture that elusive happiness
AN: posted this in the sjforums but it's easier to post stuff here.XD
chapter one
"Hey."
Kangin groggily woke up and found that someone was dangerously close to his face. Surprised, he backed off quickly. Then he hissed in pain from moving too fast.
Immediately, the strange apologized. "Sorry! Didn't mean to scare you!"
Grumbling, Kangin forced himself to wake up. Sitting up gingerly, afraid he'd open his wounds more, Kangin opened his eyes fully and found the room blessedly dark. If it weren't for the moonlight streaming in from his window, Kangin would have thought he had imagined that someone was there.
The stranger was smiling apologetically at him when he said, "Hey. I'm Geng. But you can call me Hankyung. You're the new guy, aren't you?"
'The new guy?' Kangin asked himself. Then he 'oooh'ed and nodded. It made sense. He had been taken to this ward because the one where he was supposed to be was fully occupied.
"What are you doing here? And so late at night?"
Hankyung shrugged and smiled again, "I couldn't sleep and I wanted to see you. I'm sorry I woke you up."
Kangin shook his head, amazed he wasn't angry. "Nah. I couldn't sleep, too."
"Really? Does anything hurt?"
"A little," Kangin replied, softly, "It's not so bad, but it's not something I can ignore either."
He had been in a motorcycle accident just a few days ago. Or, rather, he tried to kill himself and cover it up as a motorcycle accident a few days ago. It wasn't that he was angry at life in general.
Just at himself.
He was tired of failing, of disappointing the people important to him.
A few days before his unfortunate 'accident', Kangin had appointed himself to keep his friends safe. He even ditched his job to drive for them, knowing that Eeteuk was a reckless driver, Kyuhyun too young, Eunhyuk too lazy to learn and Shindong too lazy to drive. He drove them towards their respective homes from wherever it was they came from. But it was raining hard that night, and though he wanted to stop and let the rain pour itself out, he listened to his friends and carried on.
In all his life, that was the first time he listened to them without a fight.
He picked a mighty time to do that. And a wrong one.
As he continued to drive, a truck suddenly swerved on their side of the road. Panicking, he turned the car sharply to the side to evade the imminent crash with the truck. But when he did, because the road was wet and the tires were barely holding on to the road, the car turned over, how many times Kangin couldn't count, before crashing on a tree. The body of the van was a wreck. He, who was on the driver's seat, had come out with only a few cuts and bruises. His friends, however, had almost lost their lives.
They were fine now. Kangin knew that because he made sure his friends were fine before he did what he did.
He knew they suspected that something was bothering him. But because he kept on getting angry, and because he had a reputable temper, none of them dwelt on it too much. That night, the night when he decided to take on a little trip to Hell, he was with his friends and committed each and every detail of them to his memory.
He'll miss them, but he couldn't afford to hurt them any more than he already has.
It started with his parents. Then it happened with his friends.
He wasn't going to be a curse to them anymore.
Though they had taken him in their circle, though they accepted his 'curse', though they were the best friends anyone could ever ask for, he couldn't bring himself to stay. His decision hurt him deeply, and he knew that once his friends find out they'd be hurt as well, but if he stayed, there was a chance he could bring more hurt and more pain for them all.
This was the lesser of the two evils for him --for all of them.
And he chose it without hesitation. Even if it meant he had to die.
"Hello? Are you okay?"
Kangin was shaken out of his thoughts by the question. He chuckled darkly, then he looked at the boy looking questioningly at him and said, "Yeah. Just depressed."
The other nodded wisely, then he smiled, a real smile, as he said, "Oh. We get that a lot here. Welcome to the world of the living dead."
Kangin didn't know whether the other boy, Hankyung, was trying to make him laugh. He figured, though, as he spied the bright smile adorning the other's face, that that was what the other wanted to do. Feeling his mood surprisingly lift, Kangin found that a smile came easily to his lips.
"Thanks," he said dryly. "Can't wait for you to show me around."
Hankyung laughed loudly at that, "Sorry. Can't. I'm confined to stay in my room. I don't have an infectious disease or anything, but my parents are so worried about me they forced the doctors to lock me in my room. Thankfully though, the nurses keep my doors open at night. It's the only time I can go out."
"Well, that's a bummer."
"Tell me about it."
Kangin wanted to ask, 'What are you in the hospital for?' but refrained. He knew, from the movies he's watched, that sometimes these questions were a bit painful to the patient. So he kept his mouth shut and told himself that if the other asked him about why he was in the hospital, then he'd ask him.
It was amazing, Kangin decided, how this person was able to make him smile even when he was amidst his own darkness. Kangin told himself, when he had survived that crash, that he wouldn't allow anyone to get close to him anymore. But, seeing the smile on the other's face as he recounted old stories of the people who's been in this room, Kangin couldn't help but make an exception.
And so, Kangin hoped.
That for once, he would be allowed to keep a friend this time around.
chapter two
"You're here again?"
Hankyung laughed, "I'm sorry?"
Kangin scoffed, "Isn't there anyone else you can bother?"
"Everyone's already asleep. You're the only one who's always still awake at this hour."
"And that's enough reason to barge in my room and disturb me?"
Hankyung almost pouted. "Well, I was lonely. Aren't we friends?"
Kangin laughed. Then he sighed and shook his head.
Hankyung had been coming to his room almost everyday for more than a week. The other man never did anything but talk to him during those visits. Sometimes, he'd talk about himself, other times he'd make Kangin talk about himself. It was amazing, Kangin would find himself thinking, how Hankyung had the ability to make him open up. Kangin found it so easy to trust the other.
He didn't know why, but the kind gestures and smiles, the look of understanding and sincerity in the others' eyes whenever he'd talk about himself, it catches him off guard, makes him spill things that he would have never said to anyone.
Maybe it was because Hankyung had been a stranger. Someone who had no preconceptions about him that made it easy for Kangin to be himself. Whatever it was, Kangin found himself wishing more and more that Hankyung would be the exception.
Kangin knew otherwise though. Hankyung was in the hospital for a purpose. And though he hadn't had the chance to ask, he knew that Hankyung's time was borrowed. More so than others.
Perhaps it was because of this, because he knew that whatever he did Hankyung was bound to... expire soon. Maybe the knowledge that his presence hadn't been the cause of the others' demise, the knowledge that it wasn't his fault, enabled him to fully open up.
His friendship was the least he could do to someone who was bound to... sleep forever.
At least, that was what he thought.
He knew it wasn't that, though. Because in him, in the deepest recesses of his heart, he wished and hoped and prayed that the other could continue on. Hankyung was the kindest person he knew. The hospital staff, the nurses, some of the doctors, the patients, all of them knew of his kindness. If he asks anyone, Kangin was sure that he'd only be hearing good things about Hankyung.
It made him realize that the world really doesn't choose who to burden itself upon.
"Fine. You can stay."
Hankyung smiled, eyes softening at him.
"My parents visited me today."
"Oh?"
Kangin knew Hankyung's parents were anything but loving. His family was rich, owned a chain of fast food restaurants, but had Hankyung as an only child. Hankyung believed, that the only reason why his parents weren't giving up on him, even if it was apparent that he wasn't going to get cured very soon, was because they've invested too much money and time in him. It annoyed Hankyung to bits, and it always seemed that the other was nonchalant about it, but Kangin saw, from the others' eyes, that this fact saddened him.
Kangin wanted to comfort the other man but he realized that he couldn't. He hardly knew about dealing with parents after all.
"They keep telling me to get better, but it's obvious that I'm not going to get better any time soon. If in fact I'll get better at all."
If there was one thing he didn't like about the other man, it was his passiveness about his own situation. It wasn't that Hankyung was giving up on himself, in truth, Kangin hasn't met anyone in the hospital with as much hope and optimism as Hankyung. But there were times, especially when his parents visited, that made the other bitter, made him spout negative things about himself, and it annoyed the hell out of Kangin.
Frowning, Kangin replied, "Weren't you saying the other day that you were feeling better already? Where'd all that happy energy go to?"
Hankyung paused for a while, regarding Kangin. Then he sighed and said, "You know what happens to me when they come. I can't help it. I'd rather die than be their perfect little doll. Sometimes, I can't help but think that this illness was a blessing in disguise. If I hadn't contracted it, I would have stayed doing whatever they wanted me to do. Stuck in that house, trying to fit the role of becoming the next heir. Seriously," Hankyung said, smiling sadly, "this is so much better than living a life I can't live at all."
For once, Kangin didn't know what to say to that. Freedom? Or life? Kangin was sure that life was more important than the other one. But hearing Hankyung's stories, it made Kangin think that maybe the two has about the same importance after all.
"Anyway." Hankyung began, instantly brightening up, "How are you? Does anything still hurt?"
Kangin chuckled a bit as he shook his head, "No. The wounds are getting itchy but that only means they're getting better right? Plus, the wounds don't open as much anymore. Doctor thinks I'll get better sooner than expected."
"Isn't that great? You can go home to your friends! I'm sure they're all worried about you."
One night, Kangin hadn't stopped himself from telling Hankyung about his fears, which led to him telling why he was here, and what he was hiding from.
Hankyung continued, "I'm sure, from your stories, that they don't blame you at all. They seem like really good people," he said, smiling, "I wish I can meet them, too."
Kangin shook his head, smiling, "Honestly, when you're saying it, it always looks like a good idea. But whenever you're gone and I think about it in the morning, it doesn't seem so good at all." Holding his chin as if in thought, Kangin said, "I don't know. Maybe I'll back out once I get out of here."
"What? But why?! They're your friends, right?! And they're important to you! You told me!"
Eyes narrowed, Kangin pursed his lips, "But, you're the only one forcing me to go back to them. It's not my idea."
"But--!"
"Do you really want me to go?"
Hankyung didn't even pause when he said, "Yeah! Of course!"
Happily, Kangin chirped, "Then go with me! That way, I won't back out, right?"
"What?! But-but, Kangin, you know I can't--,"
Kangin wouldn't have it though. "No. If you're not coming with me, I won't go. I won't go back to that life. I'll start a new one. With you, possibly."
There was a moment of silence between them when Kangin said that. It was a strange request, Kangin knew. But there was something about the other, something that captured Kangin, something that intruiged him so much that he didn't know what to do, or think. There was something about the other boy, something that called his real self, something that made him want to know more and more about Hankyung.
He couldn't exlpain it, whatever it was. But it's call was so strong it was hard to ignore.
And besides, if there was one way to describe himself, it was that he always acted upon his feelings.
"Kangin, if I leave this hospital, I don't think... What if something happens along the way? I mean, even the doctors don't know what's wrong with me! What if... what if...,"
"Then I'll make them come here, hyung." Looking seriously at the other boy, Kangin continued, "I'll make them come here and see you."
"Kangin--,"
Even though he barely knew the other boy, Kangin was sure he wanted him to be a part of his life. So he insisted,
"I think you'll like them, hyung. There's this one guy, his name's Shindong, and he's hilarious! And you can meet Siwon, too! He studied Chinese for a few months, maybe you can talk to him, huh? And Heechul! God, Heechul hyung's a riot but once you've gotten to know him, you'll realize that he doesn't mean half of what he says and he looks out for you in his own strange way. Oh, and Ryeowook, too! The guy has a wonderful voice! Not to mention, Yesung, who says he's the artistic voice of the group. He's lame most of the time, and he's the king of fail, but he's a great hyung and he looks out for everyone. And then there's Kibum! He's a quiet kid and he reads a lot but--,"
"Kangin," Hankyung said, softly, interrupting, "I'm sure that they're all good people. But," he continued, eyes suddenly bearing all the weight in the world, "I'm fine like this. Even though I don't know what's wrong with me, and even though doctors keep on telling me I'm going to die really soon even when I feel really, really healthy most of the time, things are already fine like this. No matter how much I want to leave this place, I don't want to. I don't want to crave for a life I could have led if I hadn't gotten sick. I don't want to hurt anyone either. I seriously wouldn't have come and met you if I hadn't seen that disturbed look on your face when they brought you here."
Now that was news to Kangin. Raising a brow, he motioned Hankyung to continue.
Hankyung sighed and bit his lip. Eyes looking away from Kangin, he said, "When they brought you here, you were awake weren't you? They carried you to this room by a wheelchair."
Kangin nodded.
"And, well... Your eyes, you looked like you didn't care about the world anymore. That you didn't care about living and that if you died the next day it wouldn't have mattered at all."
Again, Kangin nodded. And again, Kangin was left amazed at the others' ability to read people.
Shrugging, Hankyung looked at Kangin and said, "I recognized those eyes. They were the same eyes that looked back at me whenever I faced the mirror the first few months I was confined here. I couldn't stop myself when I saw them. I had to do something to help. So I did and here I am. I've seen many people with eyes like that. Most of them never went out of the hospital again. I was hoping, that maybe, for once, in my life, I'd be able to help someone. I mean, really, really help someone. I was hoping I could, I don't know, be the light in your darkness. I realize I many have been selfish. I'm sorry."
Kangin, in his life, had never met anyone who apologized for wanting to help. So he stared at the other for a while, unable to talk or move. And then, slowly, his face melted into a smile and he laughed. Sobering up, Kangin whispered, "Hyung, you are an idiot. Don't say sorry for that! You made me realize many things. For one, that life really is too short to waste on hesitations and fears. And that second chances are given freely to anyone who wants it." Shaking his head, Kangin continued, "But there's one thing you're totally confusing me in. For all your optimism, why can't you let other people in your life? All the nurses, the doctors, even some of the patients I've met who I asked about you, they all told me that, for once, they'd like to be your strength. And that if you'd allow them, they'd be happy and honored to offer you their friendship. One action doesn't suddenly just stop. Everything we do, no matter how small they are, causes a ripple of effects we can't control. Your presence here, your willingness to listen to anyone, your never ending kindess and understanding, it made people like you. When you die, no matter how much you've tried not to let anyone get close to you in fear of them getting hurt, some still will."
Hankyung's face was expressionless when he asked, "Who?"
"Who?!" Kangin almost yelled, exasperated, "You're asking me who?! Why, everyone you've met, hyung! All those people you've talked to, the people you've offered your time, the people you smiled to, or waved to, or said hello to. Who, hyung? It's everyone you've helped and cared for and loved." Reaching out and ruffling the other's hair affectionately, Kangin smiled as he whispered, "You don't honestly think that you can love without getting anything in return, right?"
"I thought--,"
"Well, you thought wrong. Whoever taught you that loving someone won't make them care for you in return is wrong."
Hankyung didn't say anything and just bit his lip.
Kangin grinned and pulled the other boy in a headlock. "You might have failed in pushing other people away from your life, but that's a failure anyone would approve of." Shifting his arms so that Hankyung was safe within his embrace, Kangin softly said, "So drop all the negative things your parents told you and start living your life."
"How can I? If I'm going to die tomorrow, how can I--,"
"Hyung, you really are an idiot." Letting the other go, Kangin smiled and said, "If you're going to die tomorrow, then you might as well start living your life today, than regret not living your life at all. Right?"
Kangin found it amusing that he had surprised Hankyung with his words. They were both silent for a while. Hankyung was probably thinking things over. Kangin was allowing the other to let the words sink in.
After a while, Hankyung raised his brows and said, "Wow. You can use your brain after all."
Kangin couldn't help but backhand Hankyung, albeit, a gentle one. "Aren't you amazed at all?! I've thought about this a lot you know!"
Hankyung laughed. Then he sobered up and smiled gratefully, "No, I'm amazed, really. And thankful. Really, really thankful." Scratching his head, Hankyung frowned and asked, "Now I'm at a loss. How do I begin to live my life knowing it's more limited that others?"
Kangin already had an answer to that.
Smiling wide, he said, "Why don't you start by meeting my friends?"
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AN: Yeah, failure, much?>_<