Where Is Your Boy Tonight? [standalone]
Title: Where Is Your Boy Tonight? [standalone]
Author: minus_four
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Gabe/Nate, past Gabe/William
POV: 3rd
Summary: “Are you okay?” Nate asks, except he’s not asking. He’s just giving Gabe the opportunity to talk, though it’s pretty unlikely he’ll take it seeing as Gabe’s barely spoken to any of his band mates about anything over the past few days, let alone about William or what he’d done, except the bare minimum.
Disclaimer: This didn't happen. Or at least I hope it didn't, because sad!Gabe makes me sad.
Author Notes: This started out as a being a drabble for saykendrawithme for her trick or treat, then I hit 3000 words and Idk what happened lol.
“Where’s Gabe?” Nate grabs hold of Alex’s arm as he passes by, he and Ryland dancing through the crowd of people around them to the music blaring from speakers hooked up to a nearby bus. It’s a classic Warped night, different bands all partying together in and around gathered buses, late into the night in the still-warm air after another baking hot day, packed full of shows and fans and everything each band member just lives for.
There’s one man who hasn’t been thriving on their lifestyle the way he used to though, and Nate wants to know where he is.
“Hey, Nate.” Alex turns to quickly wave Ryland on in a gesture of saying ‘go on without me for a while’ and Ryland nods before doing just that, grabbing Victoria from where she’s just stood talking to the Butcher and Sisky, the young bassist waving his arms in the air with an exaggerated expression on his face, making Butcher laugh. Without skipping a beat Ryland spins Vicki around before marching her right into a Tango which is nowhere near suited to the rhythm of the music playing. It doesn’t seem to matter to Ryland though, as he dips his new partner before waltzing her off into the crowd.
“Alex.” Nate’s voice brings Alex’s attention back quickly, more so the tone of it; serious and concerned, just like the expression on his face. “You know where Gabe is?”
“He left, man,” Alex’s voice is almost apologetic when he answers, sighing and running his hand through his hair. They’ve all been worried about Gabe, all been hurt by association through their close connection as band mates, but seemingly none more than Nate, Alex thinks as he studies the drummer. “He’s probably back at the bus,” he offers despite the fact that they both already know this.
The first couple of days they’d all stayed with Gabe in a show of support, looking to comfort their front man any way they could, but Gabe had barely even made eye contact and stayed completely silent for practically the whole evening, just excusing himself to his bunk as soon as he wouldn’t feel like complete shit for just pushing them away like that.
Probably the only reason Gabe had tried to go out and party tonight was so that the others would too, Nate realises as he makes his way through the crowd in the general direction of the Cobra bus, kicking himself for not keeping a closer eye on his friend, especially since they all know how good a performer Gabe is. One second he was talking to some of the Cobra techs and having a beer, able to see Gabe standing at the drinks table, mixing up drinks for Katy and some of her visiting friends, and a minute or two later was when he’d noticed Gabe had disappeared.
“Hey!” Nate hardly even registers Mike’s voice calling after him and certainly doesn’t care as he pushes past the last of the people at the edge of the gathering, deliberately shoving his shoulder into William as he passes, making the skinny male stumble to the side a little and drop his drink. William doesn’t say anything, doesn’t protest or yell after Nate as he walks away.
He knows he has no right to.
“Gabe?” Nate says hesitantly, walking slowly through past the bunks and glancing into Gabe’s as he goes, just to check the singer isn’t in there. Making his way through to the back area, Nate almost hopes that he won’t find Gabe back there, because the bus is silent and that… it’s just weird, Nate thinks to himself sadly. It’s just not Gabe. Gabe isn’t Gabe right now, he acknowledges just as he takes a couple more steps forward and sees Gabe sitting there on the sofa, settled in a slightly slumped down position against the cushions as he stares at his cell phone in his hand. Nate doesn’t need to look, or even think, to know what he’d find on the screen if he did. “Hi,” Nate speaks quietly into the eerie silence as if to not make Gabe jump, which is stupid really, he thinks, given that the other male must have seen him pass and sit down next to him in his peripheral vision.
Gabe doesn’t answer, doesn’t look up, doesn’t even move or do anything to acknowledge Nate’s presence. Only his thumb moves at all, the tiniest of actions as he flicks through the photos on his cell, the same face over and over again, smiling and pouting, making stupid faces with Gabe in pictures taken at arms length, their faces squashed together, Gabe’s smile genuine and stretching right across his face as William presses his lips to Gabe’s cheek.
Nate would give just about anything right now just to see Gabe smile like that again, because in this moment, at least, it seems sort of impossible and Nate could swear that it physically hurts.
For a while he just looks, his eyes fixed on Gabe’s unblinking gaze as he desperately searches his brain for words, any words at this point, though the right ones would be good, obviously. Right now, though? Nate’s mind is blank apart from the all too familiar train of thought running through his head like it has been again and again over the past few days: William Beckett is the biggest asshole on the planet, and he never deserved to have someone like Gabe even look at him.
Nate is just about to just say that instead when Gabe surprises him by speaking first.
“Sorry I just, you know, left like that.” Gabe doesn’t look up, though. He just keeps staring at the small lit up screen, keeps scrolling through the photos, all those captured moments. “I…” Nate watches the movement of Gabe’s throat as he swallows, pausing before he continues. “I didn’t really think about… seeing him,” Gabe finishes quietly, the phrase punctuated with a barely audible sigh.
“Gabe…” Nate hates - hates that he can’t say anything at all to makes things better, to just make Gabe feel better, to take some of the tension away from his body and features. He is pretty sure, however, that obsessing isn’t going to help anything.
Slowly Nate reaches over gently takes the phone from Gabe’s hand before leaning forward and placing it face down on the floor to his right.
“Thanks,” Gabe says softly. “I needed that.”
Finally he turns his head to look at Nate, and his expression is just filled with such… sadness is the only word Nate’s mind supplies, because it’s - No. Nate stops himself from finishing that thought, because nothing about this fits, nothing about this is right.
“Are you okay?” Nate asks, except he’s not asking. He’s just giving Gabe the opportunity to talk, though it’s pretty unlikely he’ll take it seeing as Gabe’s barely spoken to any of band mates about anything over the past few days, let alone about William or what he’d done, except the bare minimum.
Gabe just shakes his head, like he doesn’t trust himself to speak or something, Nate suspects when Gabe’s expression sort of scrunches for a split second before the older man looks away, only raising his head again once he’s taken a slightly shaky breath in and out.
It’s how subdued Gabe is which kills Nate because it’s so far from his usual self. Happy, upset, angry - people at least always know where they stand with Gabe because he rarely holds anything back if he feels close enough to them, but he’s shut himself off from everything, even from Nate and the other Cobras lately. Nate wants Gabe to yell and scream and throw things if it’ll help at all, or just do something, because it’s like Gabe’s barely even existing like this.
Nate wants to do something himself, too, but there’s nothing; no way he can think to help and he feels fucking useless. Then Nate finds himself turning the situation around in his mind and it’s so obvious he could hit himself.
“Hey, just… C’mere.” Nate turns his body just slightly to face Gabe and reaches up, one hand gripping at the right shoulder of Gabe’s hoodie to pull the other male toward him and into a hug.
Gabe sort of falls into him, his weight pushing Nate’s body back into the sofa cushions. There’s an elbow pressing a little too hard into somewhere it shouldn’t and Gabe’s fingers are grasping at Nate’s shirt like he’s drowning in too much of something, nails digging into his lower back and chest, but Nate doesn’t care, doesn’t give a shit, not when he can feel Gabe’s shuddering breaths on his skin where Gabe’s face is turned into his neck.
It’s the first proper contact any of them have had with Gabe since it all went down, and part of Nate is just so damn relieved, because even if it’s going to be a good while until Gabe’s okay again this, at least, is still familiar. It’s still Gabe.
Nate lets the hug last as long as Gabe wants it to, just keeps the same contact for at least a minute, Nate’s hand stroking in small, soothing circles on Gabe’s back before his grip finally loosens on Nate’s shirt and he sits back before shifting his position. In one fluid motion Gabe pulls his legs up onto the sofa as he lays down his body, turning so he’s curled up on his side, head resting in Nate’s lap. It’s easy and fluid because they’re all used to this sort of contact with each other, each Cobra just as comfortable enough with any other, or sometimes all of them curled up together on the floor of the lounge area, a mess of blankets and limbs but it doesn’t even matter who’s who. It’s not usually Gabe in this position, though, almost cradled by the other.
Then again, Nate reminds himself, it’s not exactly usual for Gabe to have his heart broken, either. And he is - broken, that is. Gabe has been just about holding it together onstage, even making it through Snakes on a Plane, but when Gabe turns away from the crowd Nate sees the mask slip for a second or two before Gabe forces the smile back in place and turns back to sing because he never wants to let anyone down, because that’s just who Gabe is.
Nate just waits again, just stays silent as his hand automatically goes to stroke up and down Gabe’s body in comforting motions, repeating the action over and over as he slowly starts to feel Gabe’s body relaxing under his touch and Nate breathes out a sigh of relief because it’s something at least.
It takes a good few minutes, but eventually Gabe begins to talk, sounding almost unsure - hesitant, even.
“I just keep thinking… why. You know?” Nate just nods and carries on moving his hand up and down Gabe’s side in that slow, calming rhythm. The question’s rhetorical because he’s pretty sure Gabe’s not finished talking yet. “About why I wasn’t enough for him, why giving him everything I fucking had just wasn’t… enough,” Gabe says quietly, the confusion clear in his voice as he thinks it over again in his head, thinks about why the hell William fucked some random tech for some band they didn’t even really know at all.
From what Gabe had heard William had had a bit to drink, but he wasn’t drunk. Gabe knew that anyway; William couldn’t fuck when he was really drunk because he was all hands and no coordination, and… well, that hadn’t been the case when Gabe had returned early from his little road trip in a borrowed car to the nearest city with his Cobras and gone to the TAI bus to surprise William.
It had been Gabe who was surprised, and ‘surprised’ didn’t even cover it at all, not what Gabe had felt when he’d walked right in to find William fucking with the guy who was sat on the couch, riding him, bouncing in his lap with his head thrown back, the look of pure pleasure on his face Gabe knew so well. The guy had frozen immediately, which in turn had caused William to stop his own movements, looking at the man’s face before following his gaze and turning to see Gabe standing there. The two of them had locked eyes for all of three seconds before Gabe was walking out, practically running to the safe haven of his own bus where he’d pretty much instantly fallen apart. It had taken the rest of the band hours just to coax the bare bones of what had happened out of him.
“For him to… to just fuck some random guy because he was hot, or Bill was bored or something - fuck knows why,” Gabe spat the words out before his voice fell back to it’s quiet sadness. “Then that makes me… I mean…” Gabe sighed, his fingers closing around a folded crease of Nate’s jeans where his knee is bent. “I must be pretty fucking worthless,” he mumbles the last words, like they’re a confession or something.
Nate is pretty much stunned into silence for a few moments until his response, the only one which suddenly bursts into existence in his mind, forces its way from his lips.
“No.”
Gabe’s grip suddenly tightens slightly on the denim of Nate’s jeans, like he’s shocked, but after a few seconds he slowly pushes himself up to sit, his hand still on Nate’s knee as he leans on the drummer, a little shaky as though he might not be able to hold himself up otherwise.
“Fuck no,” Nate repeats the sentiment when Gabe just stares at him, almost disbelieving, their faces still pretty close with Gabe sat as close as he can get like that. “Just… no.”
“No?” Gabe breathes out a laugh, the tiniest flicker of a smile ghosting across his features before it disappears again just as quickly. It’s something, though.
“You heard me,” Nate nods, his expression completely serious just like his next words. “You’re not fucking ‘worthless’ or anything close, Gabe. You couldn’t be even if you tried, man,” he says honestly, because there isn’t a person who’s met Gabe who wouldn’t describe him as awesome. Even if they hated him they couldn’t deny the very fact of Gabe’s awesomeness. “And… Look,” Nate starts, his eyes still right on Gabe’s which are only about six inches away, “I know things are shit right now, but I’m telling you this, okay? He’s not worth it.” Gabe opens his mouth to say something but changes his mind, though Nate suspects, sadly, that his words would have been along the lines of ‘But he is’. “I know you’re probably sick of hearing this by now,” Nate shrugs, but gives Gabe a small smile with his next words, “but we all love you - you know that?”
Gabe just nods, returning the smile as best he can, but he can’t stop himself from saying his next words. “Not like he does - did. Did, I guess. Maybe. I don’t know, actually,” Gabe finishes sadly, wondering in that moment what he ever was to William, if he was ever anything.
“Except…” Nate begins before he even registers it himself and immediately regrets it because really? The timing here is not what you’d call ‘good’, or even ‘okay’, or hell, even ‘not moronic’. Fuck, he kicks himself inwardly because the way Gabe is looking at him now, his expression one of a mixture of realisation but mostly confusion. And Nate can’t blame him, and he knows he can’t just not finish now, but he at least consoles himself with the fact that Gabe doesn’t look sad right now. Confused and unsure bordering on anxious… but not sad. “Except maybe - Maybe one of us… does.” Nate only manages to hold Gabe’s gaze for another second as the other male’s eyes widen slightly and Nate looks down, finding himself having to remind himself to take his next breath, and the next after that.
“Oh.” He hears Gabe say it but he doesn’t raise his head yet. Nate can’t, because it’s just hit him that he might very well have just fucked everything up and made thing harder for Gabe than they already are. “Oh,” Gabe repeats, but it’s like he’s saying it to himself more than anything, so Nate doesn’t feel bad about not responding.
Nate just stares down at his lap for a while until his gaze travels slightly and he focuses on Gabe’s hand at his knee, or more importantly the fact that it hasn’t moved. Then Nate both sees and feels Gabe squeeze his thigh gently, saying his name to prompt the drummer to look up again.
“I had no idea,” Gabe says quietly, his eyes warm and understanding.
“Yeah. Well.” Nate shrugs in an attempt to pass it all off as not being a big deal, but he knows it’s too late for that, especially when Gabe’s looking at him like that.
All of a sudden Gabe’s free hand is fisted in Nate’s shirt, pulling the younger male towards him and into a kiss. It’s raw and desperate and Nate knows it’s not real, that it’s Gabe grabbing frantically at any feeling which isn’t pain and heartbreak but fuck, it is still so good.
The kiss only lasts for a few seconds before Gabe’s pulling away, dropping his head and letting out a fuck under his breath, his fingers still closely tightly in Nate’s shirt as he takes a couple of breaths before lifting his head again.
“Sorry,” he whispers, just loud enough for Nate to hear before forcing more volume into his voice. “I shouldn’t have… I mean, I can’t -”
“S’okay,” Nate cuts him off, reaching up card his fingers through Gabe’s hair a couple of times. He looks almost panicked but his expression gradually relaxes as Nate just looks at him for a while, his eyes telling Gabe the same words over and over; It’s okay, or at least, it’ll be okay. “How about we go back a little, yeah? Just chill for a bit,” Nate offers, shifting back in his seat slightly. Gabe gets it, thinking for a second before nodding, giving Nate a small, grateful smile before he lays back down, settling his head back in Nate’s lap.
For a few minutes there’s nothing but silence and Nate’s own thoughts in his head as he absentmindedly runs his fingers through Gabe’s hair every now and then, repetitive soothing motions just like his thumb stroking in arcs across Gabe’s side where his hand rests above his hip. Nate works better to some kind of rhythm, and these work just fine.
After a while Nate thinks, and hopes too, that Gabe might have managed to fall asleep, so Gabe’s voice, quiet as it is, breaking into the silence almost makes him jump a little.
“Our first kiss shouldn’t have been like that,” Gabe says softly, sounding slightly guilty perhaps, but not sad, Nate notes with a sense of optimism rising in his chest. It’s something.
“First?” he replies just as quietly, his fingers never skipping a beat as they keep on carding through Gabe’s hair, a small smile creeping onto his face as he acknowledges the words, and the possibility of what they might mean.
“Yeah.” Gabe head moves against Nate’s thigh in a nodding motion, and Nate could swear he’s hearing the hint of a smile in Gabe’s voice too. “Maybe.”
“Maybe,” Nate echoes as Gabe lets out a sigh and curls up a little tighter, one hand still laying on Nate’s knee in the exact same place it had been throughout both Gabe’s and Nate’s confessions and the subsequent outcome.
And maybe… Nate thinks to himself as he breathes out his own sigh, maybe is something, at least. It’s a start.
Author: minus_four
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Gabe/Nate, past Gabe/William
POV: 3rd
Summary: “Are you okay?” Nate asks, except he’s not asking. He’s just giving Gabe the opportunity to talk, though it’s pretty unlikely he’ll take it seeing as Gabe’s barely spoken to any of his band mates about anything over the past few days, let alone about William or what he’d done, except the bare minimum.
Disclaimer: This didn't happen. Or at least I hope it didn't, because sad!Gabe makes me sad.
Author Notes: This started out as a being a drabble for saykendrawithme for her trick or treat, then I hit 3000 words and Idk what happened lol.
“Where’s Gabe?” Nate grabs hold of Alex’s arm as he passes by, he and Ryland dancing through the crowd of people around them to the music blaring from speakers hooked up to a nearby bus. It’s a classic Warped night, different bands all partying together in and around gathered buses, late into the night in the still-warm air after another baking hot day, packed full of shows and fans and everything each band member just lives for.
There’s one man who hasn’t been thriving on their lifestyle the way he used to though, and Nate wants to know where he is.
“Hey, Nate.” Alex turns to quickly wave Ryland on in a gesture of saying ‘go on without me for a while’ and Ryland nods before doing just that, grabbing Victoria from where she’s just stood talking to the Butcher and Sisky, the young bassist waving his arms in the air with an exaggerated expression on his face, making Butcher laugh. Without skipping a beat Ryland spins Vicki around before marching her right into a Tango which is nowhere near suited to the rhythm of the music playing. It doesn’t seem to matter to Ryland though, as he dips his new partner before waltzing her off into the crowd.
“Alex.” Nate’s voice brings Alex’s attention back quickly, more so the tone of it; serious and concerned, just like the expression on his face. “You know where Gabe is?”
“He left, man,” Alex’s voice is almost apologetic when he answers, sighing and running his hand through his hair. They’ve all been worried about Gabe, all been hurt by association through their close connection as band mates, but seemingly none more than Nate, Alex thinks as he studies the drummer. “He’s probably back at the bus,” he offers despite the fact that they both already know this.
The first couple of days they’d all stayed with Gabe in a show of support, looking to comfort their front man any way they could, but Gabe had barely even made eye contact and stayed completely silent for practically the whole evening, just excusing himself to his bunk as soon as he wouldn’t feel like complete shit for just pushing them away like that.
Probably the only reason Gabe had tried to go out and party tonight was so that the others would too, Nate realises as he makes his way through the crowd in the general direction of the Cobra bus, kicking himself for not keeping a closer eye on his friend, especially since they all know how good a performer Gabe is. One second he was talking to some of the Cobra techs and having a beer, able to see Gabe standing at the drinks table, mixing up drinks for Katy and some of her visiting friends, and a minute or two later was when he’d noticed Gabe had disappeared.
“Hey!” Nate hardly even registers Mike’s voice calling after him and certainly doesn’t care as he pushes past the last of the people at the edge of the gathering, deliberately shoving his shoulder into William as he passes, making the skinny male stumble to the side a little and drop his drink. William doesn’t say anything, doesn’t protest or yell after Nate as he walks away.
He knows he has no right to.
“Gabe?” Nate says hesitantly, walking slowly through past the bunks and glancing into Gabe’s as he goes, just to check the singer isn’t in there. Making his way through to the back area, Nate almost hopes that he won’t find Gabe back there, because the bus is silent and that… it’s just weird, Nate thinks to himself sadly. It’s just not Gabe. Gabe isn’t Gabe right now, he acknowledges just as he takes a couple more steps forward and sees Gabe sitting there on the sofa, settled in a slightly slumped down position against the cushions as he stares at his cell phone in his hand. Nate doesn’t need to look, or even think, to know what he’d find on the screen if he did. “Hi,” Nate speaks quietly into the eerie silence as if to not make Gabe jump, which is stupid really, he thinks, given that the other male must have seen him pass and sit down next to him in his peripheral vision.
Gabe doesn’t answer, doesn’t look up, doesn’t even move or do anything to acknowledge Nate’s presence. Only his thumb moves at all, the tiniest of actions as he flicks through the photos on his cell, the same face over and over again, smiling and pouting, making stupid faces with Gabe in pictures taken at arms length, their faces squashed together, Gabe’s smile genuine and stretching right across his face as William presses his lips to Gabe’s cheek.
Nate would give just about anything right now just to see Gabe smile like that again, because in this moment, at least, it seems sort of impossible and Nate could swear that it physically hurts.
For a while he just looks, his eyes fixed on Gabe’s unblinking gaze as he desperately searches his brain for words, any words at this point, though the right ones would be good, obviously. Right now, though? Nate’s mind is blank apart from the all too familiar train of thought running through his head like it has been again and again over the past few days: William Beckett is the biggest asshole on the planet, and he never deserved to have someone like Gabe even look at him.
Nate is just about to just say that instead when Gabe surprises him by speaking first.
“Sorry I just, you know, left like that.” Gabe doesn’t look up, though. He just keeps staring at the small lit up screen, keeps scrolling through the photos, all those captured moments. “I…” Nate watches the movement of Gabe’s throat as he swallows, pausing before he continues. “I didn’t really think about… seeing him,” Gabe finishes quietly, the phrase punctuated with a barely audible sigh.
“Gabe…” Nate hates - hates that he can’t say anything at all to makes things better, to just make Gabe feel better, to take some of the tension away from his body and features. He is pretty sure, however, that obsessing isn’t going to help anything.
Slowly Nate reaches over gently takes the phone from Gabe’s hand before leaning forward and placing it face down on the floor to his right.
“Thanks,” Gabe says softly. “I needed that.”
Finally he turns his head to look at Nate, and his expression is just filled with such… sadness is the only word Nate’s mind supplies, because it’s - No. Nate stops himself from finishing that thought, because nothing about this fits, nothing about this is right.
“Are you okay?” Nate asks, except he’s not asking. He’s just giving Gabe the opportunity to talk, though it’s pretty unlikely he’ll take it seeing as Gabe’s barely spoken to any of band mates about anything over the past few days, let alone about William or what he’d done, except the bare minimum.
Gabe just shakes his head, like he doesn’t trust himself to speak or something, Nate suspects when Gabe’s expression sort of scrunches for a split second before the older man looks away, only raising his head again once he’s taken a slightly shaky breath in and out.
It’s how subdued Gabe is which kills Nate because it’s so far from his usual self. Happy, upset, angry - people at least always know where they stand with Gabe because he rarely holds anything back if he feels close enough to them, but he’s shut himself off from everything, even from Nate and the other Cobras lately. Nate wants Gabe to yell and scream and throw things if it’ll help at all, or just do something, because it’s like Gabe’s barely even existing like this.
Nate wants to do something himself, too, but there’s nothing; no way he can think to help and he feels fucking useless. Then Nate finds himself turning the situation around in his mind and it’s so obvious he could hit himself.
“Hey, just… C’mere.” Nate turns his body just slightly to face Gabe and reaches up, one hand gripping at the right shoulder of Gabe’s hoodie to pull the other male toward him and into a hug.
Gabe sort of falls into him, his weight pushing Nate’s body back into the sofa cushions. There’s an elbow pressing a little too hard into somewhere it shouldn’t and Gabe’s fingers are grasping at Nate’s shirt like he’s drowning in too much of something, nails digging into his lower back and chest, but Nate doesn’t care, doesn’t give a shit, not when he can feel Gabe’s shuddering breaths on his skin where Gabe’s face is turned into his neck.
It’s the first proper contact any of them have had with Gabe since it all went down, and part of Nate is just so damn relieved, because even if it’s going to be a good while until Gabe’s okay again this, at least, is still familiar. It’s still Gabe.
Nate lets the hug last as long as Gabe wants it to, just keeps the same contact for at least a minute, Nate’s hand stroking in small, soothing circles on Gabe’s back before his grip finally loosens on Nate’s shirt and he sits back before shifting his position. In one fluid motion Gabe pulls his legs up onto the sofa as he lays down his body, turning so he’s curled up on his side, head resting in Nate’s lap. It’s easy and fluid because they’re all used to this sort of contact with each other, each Cobra just as comfortable enough with any other, or sometimes all of them curled up together on the floor of the lounge area, a mess of blankets and limbs but it doesn’t even matter who’s who. It’s not usually Gabe in this position, though, almost cradled by the other.
Then again, Nate reminds himself, it’s not exactly usual for Gabe to have his heart broken, either. And he is - broken, that is. Gabe has been just about holding it together onstage, even making it through Snakes on a Plane, but when Gabe turns away from the crowd Nate sees the mask slip for a second or two before Gabe forces the smile back in place and turns back to sing because he never wants to let anyone down, because that’s just who Gabe is.
Nate just waits again, just stays silent as his hand automatically goes to stroke up and down Gabe’s body in comforting motions, repeating the action over and over as he slowly starts to feel Gabe’s body relaxing under his touch and Nate breathes out a sigh of relief because it’s something at least.
It takes a good few minutes, but eventually Gabe begins to talk, sounding almost unsure - hesitant, even.
“I just keep thinking… why. You know?” Nate just nods and carries on moving his hand up and down Gabe’s side in that slow, calming rhythm. The question’s rhetorical because he’s pretty sure Gabe’s not finished talking yet. “About why I wasn’t enough for him, why giving him everything I fucking had just wasn’t… enough,” Gabe says quietly, the confusion clear in his voice as he thinks it over again in his head, thinks about why the hell William fucked some random tech for some band they didn’t even really know at all.
From what Gabe had heard William had had a bit to drink, but he wasn’t drunk. Gabe knew that anyway; William couldn’t fuck when he was really drunk because he was all hands and no coordination, and… well, that hadn’t been the case when Gabe had returned early from his little road trip in a borrowed car to the nearest city with his Cobras and gone to the TAI bus to surprise William.
It had been Gabe who was surprised, and ‘surprised’ didn’t even cover it at all, not what Gabe had felt when he’d walked right in to find William fucking with the guy who was sat on the couch, riding him, bouncing in his lap with his head thrown back, the look of pure pleasure on his face Gabe knew so well. The guy had frozen immediately, which in turn had caused William to stop his own movements, looking at the man’s face before following his gaze and turning to see Gabe standing there. The two of them had locked eyes for all of three seconds before Gabe was walking out, practically running to the safe haven of his own bus where he’d pretty much instantly fallen apart. It had taken the rest of the band hours just to coax the bare bones of what had happened out of him.
“For him to… to just fuck some random guy because he was hot, or Bill was bored or something - fuck knows why,” Gabe spat the words out before his voice fell back to it’s quiet sadness. “Then that makes me… I mean…” Gabe sighed, his fingers closing around a folded crease of Nate’s jeans where his knee is bent. “I must be pretty fucking worthless,” he mumbles the last words, like they’re a confession or something.
Nate is pretty much stunned into silence for a few moments until his response, the only one which suddenly bursts into existence in his mind, forces its way from his lips.
“No.”
Gabe’s grip suddenly tightens slightly on the denim of Nate’s jeans, like he’s shocked, but after a few seconds he slowly pushes himself up to sit, his hand still on Nate’s knee as he leans on the drummer, a little shaky as though he might not be able to hold himself up otherwise.
“Fuck no,” Nate repeats the sentiment when Gabe just stares at him, almost disbelieving, their faces still pretty close with Gabe sat as close as he can get like that. “Just… no.”
“No?” Gabe breathes out a laugh, the tiniest flicker of a smile ghosting across his features before it disappears again just as quickly. It’s something, though.
“You heard me,” Nate nods, his expression completely serious just like his next words. “You’re not fucking ‘worthless’ or anything close, Gabe. You couldn’t be even if you tried, man,” he says honestly, because there isn’t a person who’s met Gabe who wouldn’t describe him as awesome. Even if they hated him they couldn’t deny the very fact of Gabe’s awesomeness. “And… Look,” Nate starts, his eyes still right on Gabe’s which are only about six inches away, “I know things are shit right now, but I’m telling you this, okay? He’s not worth it.” Gabe opens his mouth to say something but changes his mind, though Nate suspects, sadly, that his words would have been along the lines of ‘But he is’. “I know you’re probably sick of hearing this by now,” Nate shrugs, but gives Gabe a small smile with his next words, “but we all love you - you know that?”
Gabe just nods, returning the smile as best he can, but he can’t stop himself from saying his next words. “Not like he does - did. Did, I guess. Maybe. I don’t know, actually,” Gabe finishes sadly, wondering in that moment what he ever was to William, if he was ever anything.
“Except…” Nate begins before he even registers it himself and immediately regrets it because really? The timing here is not what you’d call ‘good’, or even ‘okay’, or hell, even ‘not moronic’. Fuck, he kicks himself inwardly because the way Gabe is looking at him now, his expression one of a mixture of realisation but mostly confusion. And Nate can’t blame him, and he knows he can’t just not finish now, but he at least consoles himself with the fact that Gabe doesn’t look sad right now. Confused and unsure bordering on anxious… but not sad. “Except maybe - Maybe one of us… does.” Nate only manages to hold Gabe’s gaze for another second as the other male’s eyes widen slightly and Nate looks down, finding himself having to remind himself to take his next breath, and the next after that.
“Oh.” He hears Gabe say it but he doesn’t raise his head yet. Nate can’t, because it’s just hit him that he might very well have just fucked everything up and made thing harder for Gabe than they already are. “Oh,” Gabe repeats, but it’s like he’s saying it to himself more than anything, so Nate doesn’t feel bad about not responding.
Nate just stares down at his lap for a while until his gaze travels slightly and he focuses on Gabe’s hand at his knee, or more importantly the fact that it hasn’t moved. Then Nate both sees and feels Gabe squeeze his thigh gently, saying his name to prompt the drummer to look up again.
“I had no idea,” Gabe says quietly, his eyes warm and understanding.
“Yeah. Well.” Nate shrugs in an attempt to pass it all off as not being a big deal, but he knows it’s too late for that, especially when Gabe’s looking at him like that.
All of a sudden Gabe’s free hand is fisted in Nate’s shirt, pulling the younger male towards him and into a kiss. It’s raw and desperate and Nate knows it’s not real, that it’s Gabe grabbing frantically at any feeling which isn’t pain and heartbreak but fuck, it is still so good.
The kiss only lasts for a few seconds before Gabe’s pulling away, dropping his head and letting out a fuck under his breath, his fingers still closely tightly in Nate’s shirt as he takes a couple of breaths before lifting his head again.
“Sorry,” he whispers, just loud enough for Nate to hear before forcing more volume into his voice. “I shouldn’t have… I mean, I can’t -”
“S’okay,” Nate cuts him off, reaching up card his fingers through Gabe’s hair a couple of times. He looks almost panicked but his expression gradually relaxes as Nate just looks at him for a while, his eyes telling Gabe the same words over and over; It’s okay, or at least, it’ll be okay. “How about we go back a little, yeah? Just chill for a bit,” Nate offers, shifting back in his seat slightly. Gabe gets it, thinking for a second before nodding, giving Nate a small, grateful smile before he lays back down, settling his head back in Nate’s lap.
For a few minutes there’s nothing but silence and Nate’s own thoughts in his head as he absentmindedly runs his fingers through Gabe’s hair every now and then, repetitive soothing motions just like his thumb stroking in arcs across Gabe’s side where his hand rests above his hip. Nate works better to some kind of rhythm, and these work just fine.
After a while Nate thinks, and hopes too, that Gabe might have managed to fall asleep, so Gabe’s voice, quiet as it is, breaking into the silence almost makes him jump a little.
“Our first kiss shouldn’t have been like that,” Gabe says softly, sounding slightly guilty perhaps, but not sad, Nate notes with a sense of optimism rising in his chest. It’s something.
“First?” he replies just as quietly, his fingers never skipping a beat as they keep on carding through Gabe’s hair, a small smile creeping onto his face as he acknowledges the words, and the possibility of what they might mean.
“Yeah.” Gabe head moves against Nate’s thigh in a nodding motion, and Nate could swear he’s hearing the hint of a smile in Gabe’s voice too. “Maybe.”
“Maybe,” Nate echoes as Gabe lets out a sigh and curls up a little tighter, one hand still laying on Nate’s knee in the exact same place it had been throughout both Gabe’s and Nate’s confessions and the subsequent outcome.
And maybe… Nate thinks to himself as he breathes out his own sigh, maybe is something, at least. It’s a start.