Learning how to let you love me is harder than I thought
My second patd slash. Yay!
This is it.
The thought echoes around again and again in my mind as Brendon watches me with patient eyes as if he’s waiting for something, some kind of signal that this is okay, that I want this, that I’m ready for this.
The tourbus is pretty much freezing this time of the morning and it might all be in my head but I’d swear I can feel the heat of his body mingling with my own, connecting us. From nowhere I feel this desperate desire to close the gap, curl myself into his chest and let it become my whole world. If I just let myself lean forward our lips would touch. We’re sitting so near to each other that it would barely count as moving but somehow it feels like some huge distance to cross that kind of line. Such simple movements suddenly seem so fucking important and complicated when it should be the easiest thing I’ve ever done. All that time I spent dreaming and wanting and obsessing about this moment and I can barely breathe, let alone think about what I want to happen, what could happen if I just let it.
Feeling almost ashamed I fix my gaze on the rip on the knee of my jeans and finger the frayed edges as for the first time in my life I wish I was a little more normal, that I had that instinctive sense of hows and whens that other people just seem to pick up. Growing up in Vegas nothing really mattered but the music and my words and that dream… Then I met Brendon and everything changed.
God, I’m fucking shaking and it’s got nothing to do with the cold; I’m so damn scared but I couldn’t start to tell you why. Here it is, everything I’ve wanted for so long and all I can think is I can’t do this. I don’t know how to do this. This is… this is too much.
I’m about to run when I feel slender fingers slip through my bangs to trace their way down the outline of my jaw and come to rest on my chin. I know I could easily resist the slight pressure of Brendon’s thumb gently urging me to meet his gaze again, but I’ve barely considered it before I’m raising my eyes to meet his looking almost black in the dim light. His fingers swirl small, reassuring circles on my cheek as his other hand drops to rest lightly on my thigh as if to anchor me.
“Ry…” Brendon just barely whispers. “It’s okay.”
“No.” I say, shaking my head slightly. “It’s not okay. I… you - You deserve m-”
“No one could be more to me than you, Ryan. Ever since I first met you and you put your words in my mouth I knew that I’d never meet a more beautifully unique soul. I’ve wanted to be so much closer to you for so damn long… God, Ry, you don’t know how hard it’s been.”
For a split second I fight the sudden urge to laugh but catch myself in time, settling instead to indulge in my first smile all night, fear all but forgotten in the wake of his words.
“You don’t know…” I echo quietly as Brendon looks at me, curious. “You’d be surprised.” I say, my smile widening freely as I finally begin to let myself relax.
“So…” Brendon starts as his hold near my knee tightens slightly, palm sliding towards my groin, thumb stroking back and forth in rhythmic motion.
Tentatively I shift a little in my seat, edging closer to Brendon, closing what little gap there was left between us and curling my hand around the back of his neck. In seemingly involuntary movement he arches his back when I start to stroke the sensitive skin just behind his ear and a tiny noise escapes his throat as his breath catches. Oh, fuck yes, I think as I watch Brendon’s tongue slip out to wet his lips.
I could definitely get used to this.
This is it.
The thought echoes around again and again in my mind as Brendon watches me with patient eyes as if he’s waiting for something, some kind of signal that this is okay, that I want this, that I’m ready for this.
The tourbus is pretty much freezing this time of the morning and it might all be in my head but I’d swear I can feel the heat of his body mingling with my own, connecting us. From nowhere I feel this desperate desire to close the gap, curl myself into his chest and let it become my whole world. If I just let myself lean forward our lips would touch. We’re sitting so near to each other that it would barely count as moving but somehow it feels like some huge distance to cross that kind of line. Such simple movements suddenly seem so fucking important and complicated when it should be the easiest thing I’ve ever done. All that time I spent dreaming and wanting and obsessing about this moment and I can barely breathe, let alone think about what I want to happen, what could happen if I just let it.
Feeling almost ashamed I fix my gaze on the rip on the knee of my jeans and finger the frayed edges as for the first time in my life I wish I was a little more normal, that I had that instinctive sense of hows and whens that other people just seem to pick up. Growing up in Vegas nothing really mattered but the music and my words and that dream… Then I met Brendon and everything changed.
God, I’m fucking shaking and it’s got nothing to do with the cold; I’m so damn scared but I couldn’t start to tell you why. Here it is, everything I’ve wanted for so long and all I can think is I can’t do this. I don’t know how to do this. This is… this is too much.
I’m about to run when I feel slender fingers slip through my bangs to trace their way down the outline of my jaw and come to rest on my chin. I know I could easily resist the slight pressure of Brendon’s thumb gently urging me to meet his gaze again, but I’ve barely considered it before I’m raising my eyes to meet his looking almost black in the dim light. His fingers swirl small, reassuring circles on my cheek as his other hand drops to rest lightly on my thigh as if to anchor me.
“Ry…” Brendon just barely whispers. “It’s okay.”
“No.” I say, shaking my head slightly. “It’s not okay. I… you - You deserve m-”
“No one could be more to me than you, Ryan. Ever since I first met you and you put your words in my mouth I knew that I’d never meet a more beautifully unique soul. I’ve wanted to be so much closer to you for so damn long… God, Ry, you don’t know how hard it’s been.”
For a split second I fight the sudden urge to laugh but catch myself in time, settling instead to indulge in my first smile all night, fear all but forgotten in the wake of his words.
“You don’t know…” I echo quietly as Brendon looks at me, curious. “You’d be surprised.” I say, my smile widening freely as I finally begin to let myself relax.
“So…” Brendon starts as his hold near my knee tightens slightly, palm sliding towards my groin, thumb stroking back and forth in rhythmic motion.
Tentatively I shift a little in my seat, edging closer to Brendon, closing what little gap there was left between us and curling my hand around the back of his neck. In seemingly involuntary movement he arches his back when I start to stroke the sensitive skin just behind his ear and a tiny noise escapes his throat as his breath catches. Oh, fuck yes, I think as I watch Brendon’s tongue slip out to wet his lips.
I could definitely get used to this.