30 Quills: An Illusion ~Part II (#19~ The haunting words are a gentle illusion . . .)
A/N: LJ forced me to break this down into two parts.
One night in kaciart’s livestream a conversation was struck up by tealgeezus about the possibility Billy having ‘I wanted’ his relationship with Teddy and the repercussions of that, and that little plot bunny has been hopping around my brain ever since … .
Warnings: Aaangst. I usually adhere to a happy ending policy, but well hmm.
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An Illusion
30 Quills: #19~ The haunting words are a gentle illusion.
Part I here~
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The next few hours were a blur. His meltdown had consumed his mind so badly he couldn’t even remember how they had arrived back at their lair in the Bishop warehouse. He remembered trembling in Teddy’s arms, and pushing away the tea Cassie had offered him, but the next moments were fuzzy because Jonas had injected something into his arm. Judging by how quickly darkness had taken over after that, it must have been some kind of sedative. He didn’t know how many hours had passed before he awoke, but there was a bit of light still filtering through the skylights.
The warehouse was quiet, only the sound of the television playing low in the common room disturbed the peace of the early evening. There was a fan oscillating near the bed that made the air tickle Billy’s neck in a repetitive cycle. He was pressed close to a warm broad chest, Teddy’s arms securely around him, though the other boy must have dozed off waiting for Billy to wake up. Billy sighed, then regretted it instantly when Teddy shifted; he always forgot what a light sleeper he was.
“Hey, Bee,” Teddy offered him a worried smiled, knuckles gently tracing the curve of the cheek he had bruised when possessed, looking slightly guilty, “How you feeling? You hurt anywhere?”
Billy stared at him blankly, eyes dull and tired, not yet offering a reply. He took the time to study Teddy and take in every part of him; the troubled crease in Teddy’s brow, the tenderness shining in his soft blue eyes, the warm comfort of his body heat, and the sweet gentleness of his touch.
It was perfect, everything Billy could ever want. He thought for a moment he might be sick.
It must have shown, because Teddy was moving instantly, “Do you need a pail?”
He shook his head roughly, fingers curling in Teddy’s shirt to keep him from leaving as he tried to get his breathing under control.
“Shit, Bee, talk to me. You’re pale as a frickin’ ghost! What’s wrong?” Teddy helped him sit up so he could breath easier, a large hand resting on his bruised cheek, “What did that thing do you, Bee?”
“Nothing,” Billy shook his head, swallowing hard, “Nothing-”
“Don’t you dare tell me it’s nothing, Billy. God, look at you! You never get this shaken up! Tell me what’s wrong. Tell me so I can help you fix it, whatever it is …”
The earnestness in Teddy’s plea made a shiver crawl up Billy’s spine. He looked up at him, blank and lost, and wanting; wanting this to be real, but therein lied the problem.
He could not look at Teddy anymore without seeing every action, every word, every damnedmoment tainted by his own his desires, his own influence. He couldn’t tell the difference between the product of his wants and true reality.
“Maybe it didn’t do anything.”
Billy snapped out of his thoughts, dull eyes finally meeting Teddy’s. He saw love, and tenderness, understanding and … fear.
“Billy, what did it say to you?” Teddy asked suddenly serious, hands cupping his face prevented him from shying away from that earnest gaze.
He shook his head, mumbling something unintelligible and trying to squirm out of Teddy’s gentle hold.
“Is it true?”
Billy froze, eyes snapping wide in shock.
“What it said, Bee … is it true?” Teddy’s voice sounded sharp, almost pleading for Billy’s denial.
He took a shaky breath, slowly meeting his gaze, brow furrowed with doubt and fear.
“I … I don’t know …”
“You don’t know …” Teddy’s voice cracked with disbelief. “W-Whatta ya mean you don’t know?”
“I don’t know.”
“You-Billy, I- Can’t you tell?”
“I don’t know-”
“How could you not-”
“I dunno!” Billy buried his hands in his hair and tried to catch his breath.
“Billy it isn’t hard-”
“I dunno!!” The words spilling over his lips in panicked murmurs, “If I did it, I didn’t know that I was-”
“Billy-”
“And-God, please believe me that I didn’t mean too!”
“W-what? Billy-”
“I- I …” He struggled for words, “I wouldn’t do that knowingly!!”
“Bee, stop-”
“Oh God, oh God, I’ve been doing it all this time and not even-
“Billy listen-”
“All of you, I could be making you like me and all this time I- I …”
“Billy, breathe!”
He couldn’t catch his breath to continue, and the panic threatened to consume him again until Teddy was holding him close and smoothing a hand through his hair.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to- shit …”
It was all Billy could ask for, all he could want. It made his stomach curdle.
“Breathe, just breathe …”
“Stop it.”
“ It’s … It’s gonna be okay, Bee.”
“Stop.”
“It’s gonna be okay,” Teddy murmured close to his ear, quiet and calming.
“Stop! I-It’s not okay,” he shook his head, tried to pull away, “It’s not real.”
“Shut up. It is. It is real,” Teddy cupped his face, looking at him imploringly. “Billy, It’s real. I’m real, and I’m here-”
“What you feel isn’t real!” Billy shouted, “You don’t love me, I want you to love me!!”
“Bee-” Teddy’s grip on him went slack with shock, and he looked bewildered for a long moment before his face hardened, “No, no! This is just what that thing wanted.”
“It was right.”
“No! It wasn’t! It’s trying to make us doubt ourselves.”
“It was telling the truth, Teddy.”
“Don’t think like that! It’s not true! You think you’d be so shaken up about it if it was?!”
“I don’t think …” Billy shook where he stood, “I don’t think I can control it, Teddy …”
“Yes you can! You always have! Don’t listen to-” Teddy reached for him.
“But if I wanted something badly enough, if I wanted it often enough, if I yearned for it all the time-” Billy shied away as Teddy approached, hugging himself with an ugly self-deprecating laugh.
“I wanted you since the day we met … ” Billy looked up at him a miserable smile,
“Billy- Bee-” Teddy reached for him again and this time, Billy let him, grasping for him in returnwith shaking hands.
“Don’t you see?” his voice cracked, as he rested his hands on Teddy’s shoulders, “I took away your free will, Teddy … Why else would you love me?”
The surety in Billy’s tone broke his heart and filled him with a cold thread. Grasping Billy’s wrists, he pulled him closer with a slight shake.
“Stop it! God, Bee! You’re convincing yourself of a lie!”
“This is the lie …”
“This is the Goddamn truth! I love you. Me, myself- I. Love. You, Bee!”
“You never really had a choice-”
“Dammit, Billy!! Yes I did-” Teddy’s large hands pull him close into a hard kiss, trying to pour into it all of his passion and conviction for the love he knew felt without influence.
Billy melted into him, melding their bodies together, kissing him back desperately between sobs until they could hardly breathe, gasping against each other’s lips.
“It was my choice, Bee … Our choice, do you understand me?” Teddy stared unflinching, trying to bore the message into Billy’s rattled brain.
He pressed a hard kiss to Billy’s forehead, sheltering him protectively in his arms and resting his cheek on his hair.
“If it really was …” Billy whispered brokenly against Teddy’s collar, “We-We’d make it again, wouldn’t we?”
Teddy wasn’t sure he had understood his meaning until Billy’s next words made the earth feel like it was falling out from under him.
“I want us to forget.”
“Wha-What are yo-”
Billy closed his eyes as he chanted, “Iwantustoforget.Iwantustoforget-”
“Billy, stop!”
Teddy tried to pull away, but Billy snaked his arms around his waist and held firm.
“Iwantustoforget.Iwantustoforget-”
“Bee, Bee,” Teddy’s ran his hands through Billy’s hair, over his neck, trying to get him to look up.
“Iwantustoforget.Iwantustoforget-”
Teddy suddenly crushed him closer, nearly stealing his breath away, breathing against his ear, “Don’t do this, please don’t do this-”
“Iwantustoforget.”
The last thing either would remember seeing was a bright flash of blue.
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… . TBC
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